Stuart Fails to Save the Universe (2026) s01e07 Episode Script
Spoiler: Dexys Midnight Runners Get a Royalty Payment
1
Okay, guys.
Clearly, we're gonna have
to control our thoughts in this world.
- Absowutewy.
- Good idea.
This reminds me of a movie.
What was the name of that movie?
Bert, focus.
Sorry.
It had that girl in it.
The one who's married
to what's-his-name in real life.
Phoebe Cates.
Nope, not Phoebe Cates.
Fast Times at Ridgemont High.
Boy, that was a good movie.
Ah!
The pool scene
where she takes her top off.
So hot.
Sexuality exists on a continuum.
True. Wob Wowe's on my continuum.
No, he's not.
I do not want to kiss Wob Wowe.
On his pouty wips.
Weird that Kripke's thoughts
have a speech impediment.
Okay, okay. We have
to figure out where we are
and what we need to do
to get where it is we're supposed to go.
What Women Want. Mel Gibson.
Oh, Mel Gibson wasn't married
to Phoebe Cates.
No, it's a movie with telepathy.
Like what's happening with us?
Oh!
I'm all alone.
Go ahead, Stuart.
Now, the instructions that came
with the device are a message
from whoever's trying to help me.
Wook at me, PhD from Stanford,
and I'm taking orders from a guy
who wuns a comic book store.
You wanna be in charge, Kripke?
No, you're doing fine.
I'll just wait for you to fail,
then make fun of you.
Thank you.
Now, according to this, the reason
we can't restore the prime universe
to its original state
is we're moving laterally,
when we should be moving along
a fourth-dimensional axis.
- Time!
- Time.
Keeps on slippin'
Slippin', slippin' ♪
- Into the future ♪
- Into the future ♪
You done?
- Sorry.
- Sorry.
Look at my man taking charge.
Look at Denise
looking at me taking charge.
All wight, boss man,
how do we accomplish this?
So the Leonard-Sheldon thingy
was never completed.
- It needs a steering wheel.
- A steering wheel?
Not literally, but some kind
of control mechanism
to get us back to the time and place
before everything went to hell.
Too bad Wadioshack
went out of business.
"Wadioshack."
- Hey!
- Sorry.
It's hard to not think.
It's like you tell somebody,
"Don't think of a pink elephant"
Pink elephant?
See?
Kripke, where can we find
something like this?
I think I can get past the weak chin.
I want his children.
- Seriously?
- I wouldn't think it if I didn't mean it.
Aw.
I see what to do here.
We can jewwy-wig something
out of a satewwite controwwer.
Mm. Where do we find
a satellite controller?
That's easy. Engineering
department at Caltech.
Great, then that's where we're going.
"Great, then that's where we're going."
- Real mature.
- "Weal mature."
Asshole.
Stuart tries
To reset our lives ♪
But he fails
To save the universe ♪
He's our only chance
And he tries and he tries ♪
But he fails
To save the universe ♪
Stuart fails ♪
How can I help you?
We're here to see Howard Wolowitz.
He's an aerospace engineer.
One moment.
You smell just like my mother.
I'm sorry?
You heard me.
Please stop thinking.
I don't have a Howard Wolowitz.
- Are you sure?
- I'll check again.
I'm not really checking again.
Just trying to be polite.
Nope. No Howard Wolowitz.
Could you give us a minute?
No problem. I'll be here.
Until I drop dead,
because I married a drummer,
and this is the only way
we have health insurance.
How can Howard not be here?
Maybe he doesn't exist
in this universe.
She's right. I can't find
Howard Wolowitz anywhere.
Well, keep looking.
Man.
I'd wike to take her home,
wip her cwothes off
and finish prematurely,
then cwy wike a baby
when she gets in a cab and weaves.
Ew.
Nope. No Howard Wolowitz anywhere.
Well, we're screwed.
Well, we're screwed.
Honey, we heard you.
Honey, we heard you.
Hang on.
I found Bernadette Rostenkowski.
Maybe she knows something.
Worth a shot.
Hey.
Hi.
How'd you wike to be, uh, disappointed?
What is wrong with you girls?
Come on, pick up your feet.
You're like a bunch of baby hippos.
Die, bitch, die.
You think about your mother
with that mind?
I guess she's not a microbiologist
in this universe.
Your observation skills are bweathtaking.
- Barry, really?
- I think 'em wike I see 'em.
All right, take five, drink some juice,
drink some vodka. I don't care.
Can I help you?
You don't know us?
Were we in rehab together?
'Cause a lot of that's a blur.
You're Bernadette Rostenkowski?
That's my maiden name.
My married name
is Bernadette Asshole.
Does Mr. Asshole
possibly also go by Howard Wolowitz?
Who?
He's an engineer,
wooks wike a garden gnome
with a Beatles haircut.
Does he sell coke on the side?
No.
- Then I don't know him.
- What happened to you?
I'll tell you what happened, Sasquatch.
I had an alcoholic mother
try to live out her dreams
by dressing me up,
shoving me in beauty pageants,
feeding me diet pills to keep me skinny,
all so I could become
Miss California Quiznos 1999.
- Aw.
- Sad.
Quiznos. Yum.
Here I am, teaching pampered
little maggots how to tap,
which is pointless,
since the only dancing
they're ever gonna do
is on the pole.
- Oh, no.
- What?
- Mommy.
- Ah, shut your brain holes.
We're sorry to have wasted your time.
Wouldn't be a waste
of time if you killed me.
Have a great day.
All right, future eating disorders,
let's get back to work.
You know, in a telepathic world,
you can talk with your mouth full.
- Tewwific.
- Check it out.
In a telepathic world,
you can talk with your mouth full.
Yeah, I get it.
- Hey.
- Where you guys been?
We need to figure out a way
into Caltech.
Sorry, we were having sex.
Stuart.
I was going to think it anyway.
I don't need to hear any more.
It was incredible.
I knew everything she wanted.
It was great.
No questions, no apologies.
You wouldn't believe what I finally found.
Yeah, you did.
So what's the plan?
It's simple. We break
into the engineering department
and steal the components.
Simple, my ass.
We can't break in.
And even if we could,
we don't know what we're looking for.
And even if we knew,
we don't know how to put it together.
And let's say we put it together,
we don't know how to operate it.
And even if we figure out
how to get in,
what we're looking for,
how to put it together,
and how to operate it,
we don't know where we're going!
Any questions?
No, I think we're good.
How wong are we gonna
keep doing this?
There is no trickewy in a world
with tewepathy.
There's gotta be a way.
Bert, think of a card.
Three of Clubs.
Thwee of Cwubs.
Let me try again.
Jack of Hearts?
Bert, stop.
Obviously, we need to find a way
to shield our thoughts.
Like Magneto's helmet.
Oh my God, more of your comic book shit.
Somebody kill me.
Oh, I'd love to.
- I wish I could.
- I'll hold him down.
Wow. Very nice. Shame on you.
I don't mean literally Magneto's helmet,
but some kind of telepathy blocker.
Why don't we meditate?
You know, "Quiet the monkey mind."
- Worth a try.
- Okay. Great.
- I'm game.
- Why not?
Everybody close your eyes
and follow your breath.
In
Out.
This is dumb. I can't do this.
Two yoga classes and, suddenly,
I'm Deepak Chopra
I haven't had a good bowel movement
since the cow world.
All this universe hopping
can't be good for my digestion.
It's basically travel,
and that's always rough
I had chili on a hot dog, and I thought,
"This is crazy."
But it's not crazy 'cause it's good.
Wike, I know I'm not my thoughts,
and I know my basic nature is wove,
and I wove the winen pants
with the dwawstwing
damned spot! Lady Macbeth.
Lady and the Tramp.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I am trying not to fart.
- Breathing in
- And
- My dad used to own a Datsun
- "Fee-fi-fo-fum.
I smell the blood of an Englishman."
Where did that come from?
Am I being charged for it?
Oh, shit. I forgot
to pick up my dwy cweaning.
All right, let's put a pin
in meditating. What else we got?
I don't think this is gonna work.
You got a better way
to block our thoughts?
I didn't think so.
One, two, three.
Come on, Eileen ♪
Oh, I swear
Well, he means ♪
Ah, come on
Let's take off everything ♪
We were listening to it in the car.
Real earworm.
Oh, I get those all the time.
Dust in the wind ♪
All we are
Is dust in the wind ♪
How can I help you?
I'm sure you remember
we were here the other day.
I'm on so much medication,
I don't remember anything.
Yes, of course.
Nice to see you again.
Mm. Anyway, uh, David Saltzberg
over at UCLA asked us
to bring this over
to the engineering lab.
Up the stairs, down the hall.
Thank you.
Toora, loora, toora
Loo-rye-aye ♪
Eileen I'll hum this tune forever ♪
Engineering wab should be down this hall.
You have any idea
what we're looking for?
Your basic variable
impedance controwwer circuit.
I am so full of shit.
Quick, sing something.
Tall and tan and young ♪
Young and lovely
The girl from Ipanema ♪
- Goes walking and when ♪
- That's enough.
What the fuck?
We gotta go.
Catch their swipstream.
Come on, Eileen ♪
Get out of the way!
Come on, Eileen ♪
- Hey, hey!
- Toorah, loora ♪
- Can we talk about this?
- Toora, loo-rye-aye ♪
Eileen I'll hum this tune forever ♪
Toora, loora ♪
- Ooh, yum!
- Toora, loo-rye-aye ♪
- Who are you?
- Who are you?
- Oh, hang on.
- One sec.
- Continue.
- Okay.
Who are you?
I asked first.
All right, go ahead.
This is gonna take a while.
Yeah.
Are you the me that came to me
in the comic book store?
I thought you were the me
that came to me in the comic book store.
All wight, all wight.
Before we go any further,
I just want to point out,
you, sir, are one handsome bwoke.
Right back at you.
We don't have time for this.
We're on a mission
to save the universe.
Oh, who isn't?
An alternate version of me told me
that I'm the only one who can fix things.
Well, he lied, 'cause ta-da!
We have the device.
So do we.
Well, this is a pickle.
The way I see it,
there's a couple of possibilities.
Lay it on me, my brother.
The Stuart from the other universe
didn't trust the first Stuart,
so he also sent a Stuart
from another universe on the same mission
as a failsafe.
That's clever.
- Or
- Enough talk!
Every minute we waste arguing,
the fabric of reality
is at risk of collapse!
Get the device.
Don't make this difficult.
What did you do?
I'm not gonna mess with that guy!
We gotta follow him.
Now what?
I could eat.
Sun is shining
In the sky ♪
No, thank you.
Hit the switch! Hit the switch!
And don't you know ♪
- Here we go!
- It's a beautiful new day ♪
Oh, no.
I think you mean, "Oh, neigh."
Hey. Hey.
Only broken horses know ♪
To run ♪
Tethered in wide open spaces ♪
In fields
That lead for miles ♪
Right into the barrel of ♪
A gun ♪
Mendin' up
Your fences with my ♪
Horses running wild ♪
Only broken horses know ♪
To run ♪
Okay, guys.
Clearly, we're gonna have
to control our thoughts in this world.
- Absowutewy.
- Good idea.
This reminds me of a movie.
What was the name of that movie?
Bert, focus.
Sorry.
It had that girl in it.
The one who's married
to what's-his-name in real life.
Phoebe Cates.
Nope, not Phoebe Cates.
Fast Times at Ridgemont High.
Boy, that was a good movie.
Ah!
The pool scene
where she takes her top off.
So hot.
Sexuality exists on a continuum.
True. Wob Wowe's on my continuum.
No, he's not.
I do not want to kiss Wob Wowe.
On his pouty wips.
Weird that Kripke's thoughts
have a speech impediment.
Okay, okay. We have
to figure out where we are
and what we need to do
to get where it is we're supposed to go.
What Women Want. Mel Gibson.
Oh, Mel Gibson wasn't married
to Phoebe Cates.
No, it's a movie with telepathy.
Like what's happening with us?
Oh!
I'm all alone.
Go ahead, Stuart.
Now, the instructions that came
with the device are a message
from whoever's trying to help me.
Wook at me, PhD from Stanford,
and I'm taking orders from a guy
who wuns a comic book store.
You wanna be in charge, Kripke?
No, you're doing fine.
I'll just wait for you to fail,
then make fun of you.
Thank you.
Now, according to this, the reason
we can't restore the prime universe
to its original state
is we're moving laterally,
when we should be moving along
a fourth-dimensional axis.
- Time!
- Time.
Keeps on slippin'
Slippin', slippin' ♪
- Into the future ♪
- Into the future ♪
You done?
- Sorry.
- Sorry.
Look at my man taking charge.
Look at Denise
looking at me taking charge.
All wight, boss man,
how do we accomplish this?
So the Leonard-Sheldon thingy
was never completed.
- It needs a steering wheel.
- A steering wheel?
Not literally, but some kind
of control mechanism
to get us back to the time and place
before everything went to hell.
Too bad Wadioshack
went out of business.
"Wadioshack."
- Hey!
- Sorry.
It's hard to not think.
It's like you tell somebody,
"Don't think of a pink elephant"
Pink elephant?
See?
Kripke, where can we find
something like this?
I think I can get past the weak chin.
I want his children.
- Seriously?
- I wouldn't think it if I didn't mean it.
Aw.
I see what to do here.
We can jewwy-wig something
out of a satewwite controwwer.
Mm. Where do we find
a satellite controller?
That's easy. Engineering
department at Caltech.
Great, then that's where we're going.
"Great, then that's where we're going."
- Real mature.
- "Weal mature."
Asshole.
Stuart tries
To reset our lives ♪
But he fails
To save the universe ♪
He's our only chance
And he tries and he tries ♪
But he fails
To save the universe ♪
Stuart fails ♪
How can I help you?
We're here to see Howard Wolowitz.
He's an aerospace engineer.
One moment.
You smell just like my mother.
I'm sorry?
You heard me.
Please stop thinking.
I don't have a Howard Wolowitz.
- Are you sure?
- I'll check again.
I'm not really checking again.
Just trying to be polite.
Nope. No Howard Wolowitz.
Could you give us a minute?
No problem. I'll be here.
Until I drop dead,
because I married a drummer,
and this is the only way
we have health insurance.
How can Howard not be here?
Maybe he doesn't exist
in this universe.
She's right. I can't find
Howard Wolowitz anywhere.
Well, keep looking.
Man.
I'd wike to take her home,
wip her cwothes off
and finish prematurely,
then cwy wike a baby
when she gets in a cab and weaves.
Ew.
Nope. No Howard Wolowitz anywhere.
Well, we're screwed.
Well, we're screwed.
Honey, we heard you.
Honey, we heard you.
Hang on.
I found Bernadette Rostenkowski.
Maybe she knows something.
Worth a shot.
Hey.
Hi.
How'd you wike to be, uh, disappointed?
What is wrong with you girls?
Come on, pick up your feet.
You're like a bunch of baby hippos.
Die, bitch, die.
You think about your mother
with that mind?
I guess she's not a microbiologist
in this universe.
Your observation skills are bweathtaking.
- Barry, really?
- I think 'em wike I see 'em.
All right, take five, drink some juice,
drink some vodka. I don't care.
Can I help you?
You don't know us?
Were we in rehab together?
'Cause a lot of that's a blur.
You're Bernadette Rostenkowski?
That's my maiden name.
My married name
is Bernadette Asshole.
Does Mr. Asshole
possibly also go by Howard Wolowitz?
Who?
He's an engineer,
wooks wike a garden gnome
with a Beatles haircut.
Does he sell coke on the side?
No.
- Then I don't know him.
- What happened to you?
I'll tell you what happened, Sasquatch.
I had an alcoholic mother
try to live out her dreams
by dressing me up,
shoving me in beauty pageants,
feeding me diet pills to keep me skinny,
all so I could become
Miss California Quiznos 1999.
- Aw.
- Sad.
Quiznos. Yum.
Here I am, teaching pampered
little maggots how to tap,
which is pointless,
since the only dancing
they're ever gonna do
is on the pole.
- Oh, no.
- What?
- Mommy.
- Ah, shut your brain holes.
We're sorry to have wasted your time.
Wouldn't be a waste
of time if you killed me.
Have a great day.
All right, future eating disorders,
let's get back to work.
You know, in a telepathic world,
you can talk with your mouth full.
- Tewwific.
- Check it out.
In a telepathic world,
you can talk with your mouth full.
Yeah, I get it.
- Hey.
- Where you guys been?
We need to figure out a way
into Caltech.
Sorry, we were having sex.
Stuart.
I was going to think it anyway.
I don't need to hear any more.
It was incredible.
I knew everything she wanted.
It was great.
No questions, no apologies.
You wouldn't believe what I finally found.
Yeah, you did.
So what's the plan?
It's simple. We break
into the engineering department
and steal the components.
Simple, my ass.
We can't break in.
And even if we could,
we don't know what we're looking for.
And even if we knew,
we don't know how to put it together.
And let's say we put it together,
we don't know how to operate it.
And even if we figure out
how to get in,
what we're looking for,
how to put it together,
and how to operate it,
we don't know where we're going!
Any questions?
No, I think we're good.
How wong are we gonna
keep doing this?
There is no trickewy in a world
with tewepathy.
There's gotta be a way.
Bert, think of a card.
Three of Clubs.
Thwee of Cwubs.
Let me try again.
Jack of Hearts?
Bert, stop.
Obviously, we need to find a way
to shield our thoughts.
Like Magneto's helmet.
Oh my God, more of your comic book shit.
Somebody kill me.
Oh, I'd love to.
- I wish I could.
- I'll hold him down.
Wow. Very nice. Shame on you.
I don't mean literally Magneto's helmet,
but some kind of telepathy blocker.
Why don't we meditate?
You know, "Quiet the monkey mind."
- Worth a try.
- Okay. Great.
- I'm game.
- Why not?
Everybody close your eyes
and follow your breath.
In
Out.
This is dumb. I can't do this.
Two yoga classes and, suddenly,
I'm Deepak Chopra
I haven't had a good bowel movement
since the cow world.
All this universe hopping
can't be good for my digestion.
It's basically travel,
and that's always rough
I had chili on a hot dog, and I thought,
"This is crazy."
But it's not crazy 'cause it's good.
Wike, I know I'm not my thoughts,
and I know my basic nature is wove,
and I wove the winen pants
with the dwawstwing
damned spot! Lady Macbeth.
Lady and the Tramp.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I am trying not to fart.
- Breathing in
- And
- My dad used to own a Datsun
- "Fee-fi-fo-fum.
I smell the blood of an Englishman."
Where did that come from?
Am I being charged for it?
Oh, shit. I forgot
to pick up my dwy cweaning.
All right, let's put a pin
in meditating. What else we got?
I don't think this is gonna work.
You got a better way
to block our thoughts?
I didn't think so.
One, two, three.
Come on, Eileen ♪
Oh, I swear
Well, he means ♪
Ah, come on
Let's take off everything ♪
We were listening to it in the car.
Real earworm.
Oh, I get those all the time.
Dust in the wind ♪
All we are
Is dust in the wind ♪
How can I help you?
I'm sure you remember
we were here the other day.
I'm on so much medication,
I don't remember anything.
Yes, of course.
Nice to see you again.
Mm. Anyway, uh, David Saltzberg
over at UCLA asked us
to bring this over
to the engineering lab.
Up the stairs, down the hall.
Thank you.
Toora, loora, toora
Loo-rye-aye ♪
Eileen I'll hum this tune forever ♪
Engineering wab should be down this hall.
You have any idea
what we're looking for?
Your basic variable
impedance controwwer circuit.
I am so full of shit.
Quick, sing something.
Tall and tan and young ♪
Young and lovely
The girl from Ipanema ♪
- Goes walking and when ♪
- That's enough.
What the fuck?
We gotta go.
Catch their swipstream.
Come on, Eileen ♪
Get out of the way!
Come on, Eileen ♪
- Hey, hey!
- Toorah, loora ♪
- Can we talk about this?
- Toora, loo-rye-aye ♪
Eileen I'll hum this tune forever ♪
Toora, loora ♪
- Ooh, yum!
- Toora, loo-rye-aye ♪
- Who are you?
- Who are you?
- Oh, hang on.
- One sec.
- Continue.
- Okay.
Who are you?
I asked first.
All right, go ahead.
This is gonna take a while.
Yeah.
Are you the me that came to me
in the comic book store?
I thought you were the me
that came to me in the comic book store.
All wight, all wight.
Before we go any further,
I just want to point out,
you, sir, are one handsome bwoke.
Right back at you.
We don't have time for this.
We're on a mission
to save the universe.
Oh, who isn't?
An alternate version of me told me
that I'm the only one who can fix things.
Well, he lied, 'cause ta-da!
We have the device.
So do we.
Well, this is a pickle.
The way I see it,
there's a couple of possibilities.
Lay it on me, my brother.
The Stuart from the other universe
didn't trust the first Stuart,
so he also sent a Stuart
from another universe on the same mission
as a failsafe.
That's clever.
- Or
- Enough talk!
Every minute we waste arguing,
the fabric of reality
is at risk of collapse!
Get the device.
Don't make this difficult.
What did you do?
I'm not gonna mess with that guy!
We gotta follow him.
Now what?
I could eat.
Sun is shining
In the sky ♪
No, thank you.
Hit the switch! Hit the switch!
And don't you know ♪
- Here we go!
- It's a beautiful new day ♪
Oh, no.
I think you mean, "Oh, neigh."
Hey. Hey.
Only broken horses know ♪
To run ♪
Tethered in wide open spaces ♪
In fields
That lead for miles ♪
Right into the barrel of ♪
A gun ♪
Mendin' up
Your fences with my ♪
Horses running wild ♪
Only broken horses know ♪
To run ♪