The Andy Griffith Show (1960) s01e07 Episode Script

( whistling sprightly tune)
Starring Andy Griffith
with Ronny Howard.
Also starring Don Knotts.
Oh, howdy, Barney.
It ain't "Howdy, Barney."
It's "Good-bye, Barney."
Barn?
What's the matter?
I'm turning in one badge
one notebook
and one pencil.
Barney, what are you doing?
I'm handing in my
resignation as deputy.
That's what I'm doing.
One gun belt
one holster
one revolver and
one bullet.
Well well, now,
hold on there.
Wait just a minute.
No, no, this is it, Andy.
This is it.
One whistle
I replaced the pea in it,
but I ain't a-gonna charge ya.
Barney, well, what do you mean
you're handing in
your resignation?
Just what I said
I'm handing in my resignation.
One tie clip one tie
W-w-w-well, now,
whoa just a minute, now.
Now, 'fore I accept
your resignation
I got to have a little
explanation here.
Now, just ease back and
tell me what's got into you.
Well, this is the
last straw, Andy.
It's bad enough there ain't
any deputyin' for me to do,
but I don't like to
be teased about it.
You was, uh, you was teased?
That's right and by
your own son Opie.
Well, what happened?
I seen him do it.
I caught him red-handed.
Well, what'd Opie do?
You don't believe it, do you?
Well, I didn't think you would.
One cap
Well, now now, wait a minute.
I am bound to hear this.
Now tell me, what did Opie do?
He wrote a poem about
me on the wall of the bank.
Well, what poem?
Well, I wrote it down.
I'd like to offer this
as full-proof evidence.
"There once was
a deputy called Fife
"who carried a gun and a knife.
"The gun was all dusty;
the knife was all rusty
'cause he never caught
a crook in his life."
Now that's undermining
the dignity of the law.
It-it makes out like
I-I-I never wanted
to catch crooks,
and that just ain't so.
I'd catch 'em in a minute,
but how am I gonna catch 'em
if there ain't any,
for heaven sake?
If only somebody would
just commit a crime
One good crime!
If only somebody'd
just kill somebody.
Barney!
Oh, I don't mean
anybody we know.
But, well, if a
couple of strangers
was to come into town,
and, well, if one of them
was gonna kill the
other one anyways,
he might just as
well do it chere.
Yeah. Maybe maybe
we ought to advertise.
Oh, that's right.
That's right.
Make jokes about it;
make jokes about it.
ANDY: What I'm
tryin' to tell you
Hi, Paw. Oh, hi hi, Opie.
Now-now you can just go ahead
and ask him for yourself.
All right.
Uh, Opie,
Barney says there was a poem
written on the wall of the bank
and that you was
standin' along beside of it
with a piece of
chalk in your hand.
Yeah, but I didn't
do it, Paw, honest.
Well, I believe you.
Are you pittin' your
crime-detectin'
judgment against mine?
Well, Barney, I have to,
because for one thing,
Opie wouldn't lie to me.
You call that evidence?
And for another, he ain't
learned how to write yet.
Well, what's that
got to do with?
You don't know how to?
One flash light.
Now, wait a minute, Barney.
Opie, tell Barney what happened.
Well, I was on my
way home from school
and I saw a couple of the
big fellas writin' on the wall.
When they heard you comin'
they pushed the
chalk into my hand
and took off like two hound dogs
that backed into a porcupine.
That's the truth, Paw.
So help me.
Huh? That do it for you, Barney?
Mm-hmm.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, that
does it just fine.
Can I go now, Paw?
Yeah, go ahead, Opie.
Well, good-bye, Andy.
I'm sure gonna miss you,
you old son-of-a-gun.
Oh, Barney, cut it out.
Now you can't be
serious about resignin'.
What in the world will you do?
Oh
I-I don't know.
I can go up to
the pickle factory.
They always need a brine tester.
Now, Barney, you're
blowing this thing
way up out of proportion.
No, I'm not, Andy.
No no, I'm a man
that craves action.
I reckon it's
well, it's just in the blood,
and with nothin' for
me to do around here,
well, folks just think
of me as a failure
Sort of a nobody.
Oh, now, Barney,
that just ain't so.
Folks around here
think a whole lot of you.
No, Andy, my mind's made up.
Over and out, buddy.
Oh, now, Barney.
Sure am going to
miss these babies.
Yeah.
Well
good-bye, old jailhouse.
Barney Fife's
Barney Fife's blown
his last whistle.
Oh, now, Barney.
Oh, hey, Miss Rosemary.
Hello, Andy.
Well, I see you got my
shirts and my judgin' coat.
Uh-huh.
Ooh, don't it look nice.
Well, thank you.
ANDY: Oh, it's just as
clean, and look it there.
You lengthened the sleeves.
ROSEMARY: A whole inch.
Uh-huh. It does look nice.
Well, thank you.
And so do you.
Oh, thank you, Andy, I
Oh. Hello, Mr. Fife.
Oh, how do, Miss Rosemary?
That's, uh, that's a nice
new hat you're wearin' there.
I never thought you
ever noticed things
a body wore, Mr. Fife.
Oh, oh, I'm a trained noticer.
I bet you think I never noticed
how you wear a
different color shirtwaist
every Sunday mornin'
when I walk you to church.
Oh, well, now, a body learns
somethin' new everyday.
Now I didn't know
you was in the habit
of walking Miss
Rosemary to preachin'.
Well, it ain't like
I'm in the habit.
I-i-i-it's just that, uh
well, uh, I pass her
house on the way.
You see, her house is
right on the way, so I
I-I pass it.
And-and I walk her
because it's on the way.
What is? Her house?
Yeah.
I, uh, I-I hope I'm
not interrupting
some important
policin' work, am I?
Uh
Oh-oh-oh, no, no.
Me and Barney's just
doin' a little inventory.
Yeah.
Oh. I imagine there must
be so much you have to do
Sheriffin' and deputyin'.
( clearing throat): Well, uh
Guess with all
your responsibility
you men have to be on
the job 24 hours a day.
Yeah. Yeah. Actually,
there ought to be
three of us to do this job,
but me and Barney,
we hold her down
the best we can,
don't we, Barney?
Yeah.
Well, you people sure
do make a body feel safe.
Well, we try.
'Course, I don't know how
we can make 'em feel safe,
both of us just standin'
around here in the office.
Looks like one of us
oughta be out on patrol.
Yeah.
Oh, uh, yeah.
That's a good idea, Andy.
Why don't I, uh, just get
out there on, uh, on patrol?
Yeah, well, uh
Oops.
Don't, uh, don't
forget your bullet.
Oh, well, yeah.
Well, I'll, uh I'll be
seein' you, Miss Rosemary.
Bye.
Yeah.
Uh, see you, Andy.
Uh, good-bye.
Bye.
Oh, that Barney is a bird.
He kind of sweet
on you, too, ain't he?
Oh.
Well, he is, too.
I can tell by the
way is he acting
and you know something else?
He ain't by hisself.
Why, you could have
your pick of a dozen men.
Oh, you get away.
Well, you could.
You just keep turnin' 'em down
'fore they get a
chance to ask you.
You just putting me on.
Nobody'd want me.
Well, no?
Well, how 'bout Barney Fife?
He he walks you to
preachin' every Sunday.
'Cause it's on his way.
( chuckling)
I guess you don't know
Barney too good, do you?
He's sweet on you, all right.
The only thing is
he's just like you.
You and him are just
like two peas in a pod.
He don't think nothing
of hisself either.
So he figures a
fine woman like you
wouldn't want to
have anything to do
with a nobody like him.
He's, uh, he's wrong, ain't he?
That's what I thought.
Well, some of these times
Barney might fatten
up his self-respect
to where he'd just up
and pop the question.
Hi, Miss Rosemary.
Hi, Opie.
Uh, well, I better get going.
I, uh, I got me
some pies to bake
for Abigail Milken's party.
You save me one now, you hear?
Oh, I-I sure will. Bye.
Well, young fella,
what can I do for you?
Paw, how 'bout let's you and
me go over to Walker's Drugstore
and have us some
ice cream sodas?
You want to?
Well, now I don't know
why that wouldn't be in order.
Opie, you know something?
What, Paw?
A good town owes its citizens
a right to keep busy.
Now, if they's a
tooth dentist in town,
why, folks ought to get a
toothache once in a while.
And if they's a street cleaner,
why, folks are obliged
to keep the streets
just a little bit dirty.
And if they's a deputy sheriff,
why he ought to have
a crime to work on
every once in a while.
Huh?
Oh, nothing big, nothing big
Just a nice
friendly little crime.
What's that got to do with
goin' over to Walker's for a soda?
Well, yeah.
Walker's Drugstore.
Why that'd do just extra good.
Yes, sir.
Honestly, I don't know
why I'm doing this silly thing.
Well, of course, you do.
It's going to do a
whole lot for Barney
and help him out
with Miss Rosemary.
Yes, Andy, but what if
he finds out that it's only
OPIE: Here he comes!
( siren wailing)
N-now-now let's
remember, act nervous.
Yes, all right,
now, let's see
Uh, he was wearing a
mask and he had a gun
and he made me
open the cash register
and give him all the money.
How much was
there supposed to be?
Oh $24.
$24? Isn't that sort
of a cheap crime?
Well, it's Barney's first crime
and we oughta
kind of let him start
at the bottom and
work his way up.
I came soon as you called, Andy.
Miss Ellie, was you
robbed? Mm-hmm.
Like, someone took
your money? Mm-hmm.
Without you wanting
him to? Mm-hmm.
Came right in and
held you up, did he?
Well, that's terrible.
Yes, Barney, this
masked man with a gun
walked right in,
made me open the cash
register and took $24.
Good for him!
I mean,
you just leave everything to me.
Oh, boy, this is the
first chance I've had
to use my fingerprint
kit in two years.
That's powder
Brings out the prints.
Match prints, identify suspect,
pick him up, case closed.
( coughing)
Well, uh, he probably
wore gloves anyway.
Don't you worry about a thing
'cause I'll have that crook
under lock and key in 24 hours,
or my name ain't
Reliable Barney Fife.
You better keep
off the streets, Ope.
Did you ever see
anybody look so happy?
No. And it's a good thing
we didn't make it bigger
than a 24-dollar crime.
I don't think his heart
could have stood it.
No, he couldn't have
stood more than $24.95.
How's that, Ellie?
No, I ain't seen Barney
since early this morning.
( laughing)
No, I talked him out of it.
He ain't going to
rope off the drugstore.
And he promised to have
your cash register back
by closing time.
All right, you go ahead
and use that drawer there.
All right.
I'll see you.
Bye.
Well, now, young fella,
how was school today?
Not so good, Paw.
I had to stand in
the corner twice
'cause the teacher said
I wasn't paying attention.
Well, was you?
Nope.
Well, how come?
Well, I was kind of thinking
about yesterday, Paw.
You and Miss
Ellie did the robbery
to help old Barney
feel important enough
to court Miss Rosemary.
Right, Paw? Right.
Well, how's he
gonna feel important
if there's no crook
for him to catch?
Well, now, that's a
right thoughtful question.
I thought of it
standing in the corner.
Well, now now, you see, son,
it ain't only what a man
does that's important.
It's what he accomplishes
along the way.
Huh?
Well, now, you see,
suppose there really was a crook
and old Barney was to catch him.
Well, it'd be all
over and done with.
But this way, Barney, he
can keep busy for quite a spell.
Folks'll keep coming up to him
and they'll say, "Howdy, Barney.
How's the Walker case coming?"
And old Barney, he can
rear back and he can say
"Fine, fine.
Closing in all
the time, yes, sir."
See, Barney he'll have
a purpose in life that way.
But, Paw, how long
do you think Barney
will keep looking for a robber
that you and Miss Ellie made up?
Well, now, you know Barney.
He don't give up too easy.
I expect this'll go
on a long, long time.
Here he is, Sheriff.
Here's your man.
The fella robbed
Walker's drugstore.
What?
Paw! Now, look, Sheriff,
call off this crazy deputy.
I don't know what
this is all about.
Not much, you don't.
He's our man, all right.
Told you I'd wrap this
case up in 24 hours.
But, Paw
Uh, wait a minute, Opie.
Barney, what makes you
so sure he's the robber?
Yeah, ask him.
He's crazy, I tell you.
Yeah? Crazy like a fox.
Don't mess with Foxy Fife.
Easiest case I ever cracked.
"Who done it?" I says to myself.
"Someone in town or a stranger?"
"A stranger," I said to myself.
Well, if it was a stranger,
then how did he get in
and out of town? By car?
No one in town
seen a strange car.
By airplane? We ain't
got no landing field.
A boat? We ain't got no water.
So that left just one way,
and that way was by freight.
Freight?
Freight.
So I went down to the
tracks, and I found him
prowling around down
there and here he is.
Heh. Says he's from Chattanooga.
But, Paw
Uh, Opie, uh, why
don't you But, Paw
Listen, why don't you
go over to Walker's
and getcha a ice
cream soda. But, Paw
But, Paw
And I'll let you know
how it comes out.
Go on, see Miss
Ellie, now. But, Paw
MAN: All right, Sheriff,
you through with
your little joke?
Now you better let
me go or I'll sue you
and this whole
town for false arrest.
You button your lip!
Everything you say'll
be held against you.
Uh, uh
Excuse us, uh, one-one second.
Don't you go anywheres.
You're in custody.
Now, Barney, we have to be sure
when we make an arrest.
Why don't you call the sheriff
in Chattanooga and
find out who he is?
Well
Now, Andy, there's been
a robbery, ain't there?
Well yeah.
All right, I'm sure he's
the one that done it.
Why don't you let
me work him over?
No, no, I'll-I'll
call his hometown
and maybe he can clear himself.
And take that gun
out of your mouth.
Uh, won't you have a seat?
What for?
Sit down.
Uh, my deputy brought you in
on a charge of suspicion,
so this is just a
formality, you see.
You guys are going to
get in big trouble over this.
Um well, what
what's your name, please, sir?
Crawford Tracy crawford.
Crawford. All
right, Mr. Crawford
I'll just make a
little phone call here
and I expect we can
straighten this whole thing out.
Uh, Sara?
Uh, me.
Would you get me the
sheriff over in Chattanooga?
I'll hold right on.
While we're
waitin' for that call
I'm gonna question
the prisoner, Sheriff.
( clears throat)
What's your name?
I told you Crawford.
Oh.
Oh, yeah, you did.
Well, uh, tell me
How long you been, uh,
planning this drugstore caper?
Oh, you don't wanna talk, huh?
Well, we got little ways
of making people talk.
Barney
Nice, cool water.
Kind of looks good, don't it?
You can, uh, have
some if you'll just, uh, talk.
I ain't thirsty.
Well, uh
Well, uh, maybe you'll talk
if I shine this
light in your eye.
The battery's kind of weak.
Well, we got a few
more tricks up our sleeve.
ANDY: Hello?
Hello, Sheriff; this
is Sheriff Taylor
over in Mayberry.
Uh, listen, my deputy
brought in a fella
on suspicion of robbery
and he says he's from
over there in Chattanooga,
and I just wanted to
see wasn't he all right.
Says his name is Tracy Crawford.
He's about, oh
near about six foot tall
weighs between 165, 170 pounds
got brown curly hair and
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
All right, all right.
Much obliged.
Well, Barney, we gonna have
to drop that charge of robbery
against him.
What?!
You satisfied now?
Yeah, yeah, we gonna have
to drop that charge so
we can extradite you.
Huh?
Yeah, it seems like
that you're wanted
on five more serious charges
back in Chattanooga.
The sheriff over there
recognized your description
and your name as
one of your aliases.
Heh. Well, Barney, I'll reckon
you'll just have to lock him up
and wait for the
officials to come get him.
I was right!
I got him! I did it!
A real big timer!
I got him all by
myself, i did it!
All right, you,
come on, let's go!
Get them hands
outta your pockets!
Come on. Come on,
move! Hup-hup-hup-hup!
Go on, get in there
and suck in that gut.
Get right in that cell.
Go on. Move!
Andy, what is
this Opie tells me?
Barney Shh. Shh.
Barney caught the thief?
What thief?
A real one.
I'll try to explain it to
you, but I can't right now.
BARNEY: Prisoner's
all locked up, Sheriff.
Hi, Miss Ellie.
Andy tell you? We got your man.
He just told me.
Boy, I am proud of you.
Wait till this comes
out in the paper
day after tomorrow.
Boy, you'll be a
big man in this town.
Well, it's all in a day's work.
Well, I got to get
back on the job.
It's a jungle out there.
And I got to hunt them down.
( playing bluegrass)
BARNEY: Andy! Andy!
Hmm?
Andy, here it is.
L-let me see it.
Let me see it!
BARNEY: "Deputy Barney
Fife cracks Walker robbery."
Ooh, I wished you
would look at that,
and right on the front page!
Yeah. "Nabs criminal."
That's me. A criminal nabber!
Boy, that's a good
picture of you.
Women gonna flock around you
like chickens around a June bug.
You wanna double-date?
You want to?
I'm gonna take Miss Ellie
to the picture show
Saturday night.
You and Miss
Rosemary can go with us.
And then after the show,
why, we can go down
to Snappy Lunch and
get somethin' to eat
and some coffee. Want to?
Well, to tell you
the truth, Andy,
I didn't get around to
askin' Miss Rosemary
to go out Saturday night.
You didn't?
No, no. I got to
thinkin', and
Well, now that I'm
somebody in this town
after crackin'
that crime and all,
why why should
I be in such a hurry
to tie myself down?
How how's that?
Oh, I like Miss
Rosemary and all,
but why rush it?
She's been around this long.
She'll keep a spell
longer, won't she?
Sort of owe it to myself
to look around first.
Let me see that story again.
Good mornin'.
ANDY: Oh, hey, Miss Rosemary.
Here's that pie I
promised you, Andy.
Oh, much obliged.
Congratulations, Mr. Fife.
For what?
Oh, this.
Well, thanks.
I want you to look
at that blueberry pie.
Ain't that pretty?
Ooh, and my favorite kind, too.
Miss Rosemary, you are a one
for puttin' a glow
in a man's day.
I mean it.
You're always so
bright and cheerful.
Well, uh, Miss Rosemary,
there's somethin' I been wantin'
to talk to you about
for a long time,
but, well, out of respect
for my old buddy Barney here,
I been kind of holding my peace,
but, well, now I got the feelin'
that I don't have to consider
Barney's rights in the matter
any further.
What are you tryin' to say?
I'm sayin' it, Barney.
Miss Rosemary, you're a fine
woman with a fine character,
and things like that's
important to a man, and
well, I was wonderin' if
you would do me the honor
of lettin' me call on you
from time to time.
Now, just hold on a second.
She's spoke for.
She is?
I am?
Well, why do you think
I walk her to church
every Sunday?
I don't know you told me it's
'cause you pass by her house.
Not if I take the shortcut.
I been goin' the
long way around.
You sure have.
It's only fair after
all the shoe leather
I have invested in
her for me to have
the first right to
ask her for a date.
Well, are you askin'?
Well
yeah.
Well!
Miss Rosemary?
Miss Rosemary, he's askin'.
He he's askin',
Miss Rosemary.
Miss Rosemary, this is it.
Don't mess it up.
Well, Barney,
go ahead.
Ask her.
Will you, Miss Rosemary?
Yes, Mr. Fife.
Well, now, ain't that something?
Ain't that something?
Now, you can't tell but,
what, as Justice of the Peace,
I just threw myself
some new trade.