The Brady Bunch (1969) s01e07 Episode Script

1
Here's the story of a lovely lady ♪
Who was bringing up
three very lovely girls ♪
All of them had hair of gold,
like their mother ♪
The youngest one in curls
It's the story of a man named Brady ♪
Who was busy
with three boys of his own ♪
They were four men living all together ♪
Yet they were all alone
Till the one day
when the lady met this fellow ♪
And they knew that it was
much more than a hunch ♪
That this group must
somehow form a family ♪
That's the way they all became
the Brady Bunch ♪
The Brady Bunch, the Brady Bunch ♪
That's the way they became
the Brady Bunch. ♪
Rock-a-bye, baby, on the treetop ♪
When the wind blows,
the cradle will rock ♪
When the bough breaks,
the cradle will fall ♪
See you later, honey.
Mike, take a look at this.
And down will come cradle,
baby and all. ♪
( Chuckling )
Cindy really loves that doll.
( Singing continues )
Do you know, this is
the ninth bottle she's feeding her today.
You better get some more of
those little diapers ready.
Have a good time, dear.
Yeah. Have fun around the house.
Yeah, I'll start by
straightening up the kids' room.
Okay.
When the bough breaks,
the cradle will fall ♪
And down will come cradle
( kazoo tooting )
Baby and all
Rock-a Shh! ( Tooting continues )
Why do I got to "shh"?
Because I'm putting my baby
to sleep, that's why.
That's no baby,
that's just a dopey old doll.
You stop that!
Kitty Karry-All doesn't make noise
when you're taking a nap.
( Barks )
Stop that, Tiger.
You'll wake up Kitty.
Rock-a-bye
I don't know who asked
that stupid old doll
to come live here anyway.
I did.
Well, I didn't.
I wish she'd move out
and never come back.
You stop that!
You'll hurt her feelings.
She hasn't got any feelings.
She's full of sawdust
or rags or something.
A guy can't even practice his kazoo
anymore. The cradle will rock ♪
When ( tooting kazoo )
Now, you be a good little girl, now,
while Mommy gets your bottle.
Here we are.
I want you to drink this whole bottle
so you'll have nice, strong
Kitty?
( Distressed ): Kitty?
Kitty, where are you?!
Mommy!
Cindy, honey, what's wrong?
She was here and now she's gone!
Who was here and now she's gone?
Kitty! She's been kidnapped!
( Kazoo tooting )
He did!
He's the one who did it!
He took my doll!
I did not!
Maybe there's
a simple explanation for this.
There is he took it.
Maybe you put her down someplace.
No, I didn't.
Kitty was right here
on the couch, then she was gone
and he was gone, too.
Well, I just walked in
the other room to toot my kazoo
because I like to walk when I toot.
I'm going to tell Daddy on him.
Oh, sweetheart, Daddy's
gone to play golf.
Anyway, we don't want
to bother Daddy about this
on his day off.
Maybe we can figure out what happened.
I told you what happened he took it!
I didn't!
( Blasts kazoo )
Come on, Bobby, you can tell us.
What?
Where'd you hide Cindy's doll?
I didn't hide it, like I told Mom.
Honest?
Honest.
Would you swear to it, the sacred oath?
Even the sacred oath.
Boy, that proves he didn't take it, no, sir.
Are you sure Bobby took her?
Sure, I am.
He said he hated Kitty.
I heard him say it lots of times.
And she doesn't even have her bottle.
She'll starve to death.
Come on.
Where are we going?
We're going to get that doll back.
Yeah.
If Bobby didn't take it,
Cindy shouldn't say he did.
Right come on.
She can't accuse him
and get away with it.
Bobby, you give Kitty back, or
Listen here, Cindy, you
Come on!
Bobby, you give Kitty back!
You stop picking on him!
What did you do with her?!
He didn't do anything with her!
He did, too! I did not!
Did so! Did not so!
Oh, yeah?! Yeah!
Hey, hey, hey.
What's going on in here? He took it!
GREG: He did not! He did!
Hold it!
( Kids stop talking )
Will somebody fill me in?
Well, Cindy's doll is missing
and the girls think
Bobby took it.
Well, Bobby?
I didn't take it.
He did, too!
He did not!
( Kids shouting )
Cut!
All right, everybody
into his room, come on.
Hurry up, hop to it!
Let's go. ( Kids protesting )
Bobby didn't take the doll. He didn't do it!
Quiet.
( Girls still shouting )
Let's just settle down in there.
Come on, settle down.
Honey, I know Bobby.
If he says he didn't take the doll
I believe him.
Well, Cindy always tells the truth, too.
Oh, well, I believe she
thinks he took the doll,
but maybe she dropped it somewhere.
You know how kids are
always misplacing things.
Well, that's true. You know, one time.
Marcia lost her left shoe
and a month later,
we found it in the freezer.
I'm going to talk to the kids again.
It won't do any good, Mike.
I've talked to them,
and they don't know where it is.
Okay, then we'll search the house
from top to bottom
until we find the doll.
All right, kids, let's
fall in for search detail.
Come on, hop to it.
Come on.
Come on, come on. Hurry up, let's go.
Come on, girls.
Can I help you, Mr. Brady?
No, thanks, Alice.
What are you looking for?
A doll.
In the refrigerator?
Why not?
Just as apt to be here as anywhere.
What are you looking for now?
Same doll.
If I'd known you wanted a doll so bad,
I'd have baked one.
( Sighs )
Still looking for that doll?
Yeah.
Mr. Brady, it's none of my business
but the next time you play golf
maybe you better wear a sunbonnet.
I've got to find that doll.
Mrs. Brady, what are you doing?
Alice, you'll never guess
what I'm looking for.
A doll?
How did you know?
There's a lot of that going around.
I've found it, I've found it!
Kitty?
No, the earring I lost last week.
My skate key!
I thought I'd never see it again.
Well, we got to look some more.
No, we've done all we can do here.
You sure have.
Let's see if I was a doll,
where would I go?
To me, sweetheart!
That's all you think about girls.
Never mind that, keep looking.
There's nothing over here.
Well, it's got to be someplace.
Try somewhere else.
What did you find?
Oh, nothing.
Come on, what is it?
Nothing, just an old candy bar
I lost a long time ago.
How do you know it's yours?
I once lost one, too.
Was yours dark chocolate with almonds?
Yeah yeah, that's the one.
Well, too bad
this one's vanilla fudge.
Nyah!
Come on, you guys,
there's no doll around here.
Did you get the license number
of the truck that went through here?
Doggone it, we lost the whole morning
looking for that stupid doll.
What if Dad makes us
keep looking forever?
Oh, no!
I'm glad she's gone.
I hated that doll.
Maybe Cindy was right.
Maybe you did take it after all.
I didn't.
Come on, Peter.
What does he care
if we never have any fun again?
Hey, what about me?
Yeah, what about you?
One thing's sure it isn't in the house.
I've searched every nook and cranny.
Mike, look at this.
Can I play?
Beat it. Get out of here, Bobby.
Nobody wants you.
Go on.
That's not fair.
They're treating Bobby
as if he were a criminal.
We've got to do something
about that doll.
This has gone far enough.
MIKE: I want you to pay
very careful attention
to what I'm going to say.
I'm talking to you two
because you're the oldest.
You see, in this country
we're very proud to have
a process known as the law.
And under the law,
a man is presumed innocent
until he's proven guilty.
Right, Dad.
In other words
we don't hang anybody
without a fair trial.
Everybody knows that.
Sure, but sometimes we tend to forget.
Well, I'm glad you understand.
I'll see you kids later.
I have to go shopping with your mother.
Bye.
You know something? Dad's right.
We don't know for sure Bobby's guilty.
Nobody saw him take that doll.
Right, let's give him a fair trial.
Good.
Then we'll hang him.
Aw, come on, kids!
Now, I haven't got time to fool around.
But Alice, we've got to have a judge.
Mom and Dad aren't home.
Okay, okay, but no loopholes,
no long ha be as corpuses
I've got a pot roast in the oven.
Thanks, Alice.
We got it all set up.
You sit up there.
Oyez, oyez, oyez,
court is now in session.
Judge Alice presiding.
I'll be the D.A., 'cause
everybody knows he's guilty.
I object there's something
illegal about that.
Come on, come on, let's get
this case on the road.
You two are the jury.
( Gavel pounds )
Order in the court.
Okay, D.A., call your first witness.
My first witness
is Cindy herself.
Cindy
sit down here.
Now, tell the jury what
happened in your own words.
Well, Kitty's gone and Bobby took her,
'cause nobody else was there
and those are my own words.
Does that mean we vote "guilty" now?
Hey, I want a chance to say something.
ALICE: Barrister, you may proceed.
Okay, defendant, what's your name?
You know my name.
I know, but I want the jury to hear it.
They know my name, too.
Everybody here knows my name.
Let me at him.
Where were you
on the night of March 9?
Before or after 9:00?
What difference does it make?
I'm not allowed up past 9:00.
He's guilty, all right.
BOBBY: I'm not guilty.
I didn't take that doll,
no matter what she says.
I wouldn't do a thing like that.
Maybe we fight sometimes,
but Cindy's my sister, and, well
well, I just wouldn't do a thing like that.
Well, jury, you've heard both sides.
Now it's deliberating time.
And make it snappy I can smell
that pot roast from here.
I know Jan will vote guilty.
Peter and Bobby are just like that.
He won't vote against him.
Have you reached a verdict?
Yes, Your Honor.
I vote "not guilty."
You mean "guilty."
You've been saying all along he's guilty.
I changed my mind after his speech.
I knew I'd pull you through.
PETER: Just a minute.
My vote is "guilty."
That's immaterial.
A while ago, you said he was innocent.
So what? I did a lot of
deliberating, and he's guilty.
Well, looks like we've got a hung jury.
Alice, something's burning.
My pot roast!
Case dismissed.
Oh, boy
Whoa!
Look out, kids.
Whoa oh, no.
It's going to be hot look out.
( Sighs ) ( kids coughing )
Now I know why judges
get paid so much
they got to keep buying new pot roasts.
Harder!
GREG: Come on, Bobby.
Burn it in.
Hey, Greg's playing with Bobby.
That little talk about fair play
seems to have done some good.
Yeah.
Hey, Dad.
Dad
MIKE: Yes?
Would you burn some in to me?
Bobby can't even dent my glove.
Maybe later, Greg.
Why don't you ask Peter?
He's a good pitcher.
Yeah, a good pitcher, but a rotten jury.
Come on, Bobby.
What's that all about?
Don't ask me. I only live here.
MARCIA: Mom, would you ask Jan
to give me back my curlers?
Why don't you ask her yourself?
Me talk to Benedict Arnold?
I'd sooner be disbarred!
What's that about?
Don't ask me.
I only live here.
Mike?
Yeah, honey.
I'm sorry about dinner.
( Chuckling ): That's all right.
Well, I'm afraid it wasn't
exactly a gourmet's delight.
Oh, I don't know.
One doesn't get charco-broiled
charcoal every day.
( laughs )
Well, at least we know why:
You can't be a good chef
and a judge at the same time.
Yeah. What's the latest
communiqué from the front?
Well, let's see:
Marcia isn't talking to Jan
because she voted against her.
Greg isn't talking to Peter
because he voted against him.
On the other hand,
Bobby is talking to Jan
because she voted for him.
On the other hand, Cindy
still is angry at Bobby
because she's sure he took Kitty.
On the other hand
Wait a minute, that's five hands.
Well, we've got a big family.
Poor Cindy. She went
to bed right after dinner.
Oh, I think we should look in on her.
Yeah. Good idea.
Ready to say your prayers, honey?
Please, God, bless Mommy and Daddy
and Alice and Greg and Marcia
and Peter and Jan
and even Bobby.
And God bless Kitty Karry-All
wherever she is.
Good night, Cindy.
Good night.
Good night, honey.
( Tooting kazoo )
Say, where'd he come from?
From Africa.
Mommy brought him for me.
He looks groovy.
( Motor whirring )
Neat-o.
( Barks )
Beat it, Tiger!
Dogs don't belong in a jungle.
Scram! Scoot!
( Toy begins whirring )
Boy, he's the smartest elephant
I ever saw.
He's not half as smart as Kitty.
She used to talk to me all the time.
She never talked to me.
That's because you were mean to her.
You took her away.
You better not say that.
I had a fair trial,
and they said I was immaterial.
They did not!
It was a hanged-up jury.
Over again, Jumbo.
Wait a minute I'll play you some music.
Where's my kazoo?
Dad, Dad!
My kazoo, it's gone!
It was right here.
You took it!
You took my kazoo.
I did not.
You did so.
All right, all right.
What's up, Bobby?
She took my kazoo.
I did not.
Now, just a minute.
Maybe you put it in your pocket.
No, I didn't.
I'll show you.
Is that it?
Just about.
I've got another pocket to go.
Sure you don't have
your bicycle in there?
Anything else?
A couple of more things.
There.
That proves she took my kazoo.
No, it proves no such thing.
If Cindy says she didn't take
it, I believe her, the same way
I believed you when you said
you didn't take her doll.
But Daddy
Come here, Cindy, sit down.
I want to tell you something.
Sometimes we can be deceived
by circumstantial evidence.
Circum-special?
No, circumstantial.
That's when that's when
things look different
than they really are.
Like when a lady
puts on false eyelashes?
Well, something like that.
You see, now each one of you
knows that he's innocent,
but the way things look, they
think the other one is guilty.
And that's not right?
No, no, far from it.
Do you know, sometimes
innocent men go to jail
because of circumstantial evidence?
Okay.
Then I believe Cindy's innocent.
And I believe Bobby's innocent.
Good.
Even if he's guilty.
( Sighs )
Well, I wish I had better news to report.
I searched the house again
no doll, no kazoo.
Oh Bobby here seems to be bearing up
a little better than Cindy.
Well, I guess maybe girls must love dolls
more than boys love kazoos.
You know,
you're a very smart boy, Bobby,
because that's true.
I remember once when I was a little girl,
I lost my favorite doll
and I cried for over a week.
Boy, you must have got
everybody in the house wet.
I think I did.
I don't think we ought to give up.
I think we ought to keep on searching.
It's bound to turn up, hmm?
Okay.
Come on, Bobby.
( Coins rattling )
There you are, young lady.
I'm sure you're going to have
a lot of fun with this.
Thank you, ma'am.
Come again.
Hello there, young man.
Can I help you?
Yeah, I want to buy
something for my sister
even if she says I did and I didn't.
Did what?
Well, it's called
"circum-special" or something
and it's real bad
even though Cindy doesn't understand
because she's so young.
Well, she's lucky
to have a brother like you.
You're not kidding!
She lost a doll named Kitty and
Kitty!
That's Kitty Karry-All!
And that's the last one I have.
Keep running out.
Boy, will Cindy be happy!
I'll take it.
Okay.
You mean you're willing to spend
so much money on your sister?
My whole life savings.
Have I got enough?
Well, let's see.
Just enough and three cents over.
How's that?
Okay.
There we are.
Bye-bye, now.
Bye.
And I'm not giving this to you
because I like you or anything like that.
It's just that
well, my piggy bank was getting too full
and I had to buy something.
Now, isn't it wonderful
to have a brother like that?
And it's not even your birthday.
Oh, I think Kitty's trying
to say something.
Come here, Kitty.
What's that?
Oh, you want your mommy
to hold you? Here.
Would you like me to fix her a bottle
and then you can put her to bed?
( Mumbles )
Rock-a-bye, baby, on the ♪
I'm sorry, but it's not my Kitty.
But honey, she's exactly the same.
They're like twins. It's only a matter
of getting used to her. Well, you'll see.
In no time at all, she'll be just
Oh, Mike, what are we going to do?
She's heartbroken.
Give her a little time, like you said,
she'll get used to it.
Tiger! Tiger! Oh!
Come back here!
CAROL: Tiger! Tiger! ( Mike whistling )
MIKE: Maybe he's over
in the neighbor's yard.
CAROL: No, no, the gate's locked.
MIKE: Well, let's try the backyard.
Okay. Maybe he's back there.
Tiger! ( Whistling )
Cindy, have you seen Tiger? No.
Maybe he's in the
doghouse. Let's try there.
Oh. Tiger!
Tiger? What's going on?
Oh, we can't find Tiger.
Tiger, you dummy dog!
My kazoo!
What have we here?
My Kitty!
All right, Tiger.
Come on out of there!
Come on.
Tiger
come on back.
Now sit.
Tiger, you ought to
be ashamed of yourself.
Mike, aren't you convicting Tiger
without a fair trial?
MIKE ( chuckling ): Yeah, you're right.
Tiger, you've been
accused of doll-napping
and kazoo-snatching. How do you plead?
( Whimpers )
I'm glad today's behind us.
I still can't understand
how a child can get so attached
to an inanimate object.
I suppose everybody's like that.
Well, kids, maybe.
I'm sure glad you're not.
What do you mean by that?
Well, dear, I've been waiting
for the right time to tell you this.
Tell me what?
You know your golf club?
Which one?
The one you made the hole-in-one with?
What about it?
Well, I've looked everywhere for it,
but it's just disappeared vanished.
Not my lucky seven iron!
Well, I might as well give up golf.
That was my favorite club.
Ah, well, I'm sunk now.
Now you understand?
I certainly do.
Good night, dear.
Michael Brady!
( Chuckling )