The Dana Carvey Show (1996) s01e07 Episode Script

1
Hello, I'm Newt Gingrich.
And I want to assure
the American people that
the contract with
America is far from dead.
You know, every year millions of Americans
visit Washington.
And what they see is the government out of
control of spending.
Which gave me a new idea to give Americans
an idea of how the contract can work.
I believe that Washington, D.C.
should set an example for itself in the
entire nation.
For instance, take the Lincoln Memorial.
It's supposed to remind the American
people what a great man Abe Lincoln was.
But wouldn't this do the trick?
I think so.
For those patriotic Americans out there
who can't read, as you can see right here,
there's a penny taped to it.
And you know how much it costs to put it
there?
A penny.
Now, between the House and the Senate,
we've got 535 representatives in Washington.
And I think the President and the American
people agree this is too many.
We have a plan to phase out congressmen
over the next five years.
In the year 2000, there will be only one
congressman for the entire nation.
He will not convene in Washington.
He'll stay at home.
And he'll work out of his basement where
he'll pedal a stationary bicycle.
Which will power his
telephone so you can call him
at any hour for free and
have your voice heard.
And I think the Democrats would agree that
wouldn't it be nice if the White House
generated money instead of just spending
it?
It will when it's turned into a riverboat
casino.
Now, Arlington National Cemetery is sacred
ground.
But it's also ground that could be turning
a profit.
These gravestones have lots of empty
space, space that could be sold.
Wendy's presents General George S.
Patton.
Here lies Major Tom Swenson.
It's cold down here.
Oh, how I'd wish I'd worn my Hanes.
This way these patriots could still be
serving their country proudly from beyond.
Now, look at this rundown homeless
shelter.
And I think the President would agree that
no one should be forced to live like this.
I propose we transform it into an opulent
dance hall where grand society balls and
coming out parties can be held to raise
money for the homeless.
But where will they go?
Look at this zoo.
It's a crime.
And I think the Democrats
will agree that it's wrong
to house animals while
people wander the streets.
My idea is that we'll move the
homeless into the animal pens
and people will be able to
view them in various habitats.
Now, look, these people aren't asking for
handouts.
They just want to live in zoos.
Now, this is the Potomac River.
It's a waste of money.
Let's get rid of it.
The Tomb of the Unknown Soldier.
I have no problem
with this, but let's put
it to use as the ATM
of the Unknown Soldier.
There's room for a line and it's already
guarded.
We will return to Speaker
Gingrich's address
after he is sedated and
mentally reprogrammed.
Please enjoy this alternate thing.
From the ABC Broadcast Center in New York,
it's the Dana Carvey Show.
Yes!
Thank you so much.
Well, bad hair day.
Okay.
Very quickly.
I'm going to try
something a little different
tonight, because I do
impressions, as you might know.
And I pride myself in being kind of a
quick study.
So, I thought I would try to do an
impression right here, right now,
of someone in the audience.
So, could I have a volunteer?
Is there anyone who wants me to do an
impression?
Well, okay.
Yes.
What's your name?
Yeah, my name is Regis.
Okay.
Where do you live?
I live in New York City.
And what do you do for a living?
I work with Kathy Lee on a TV show.
Okay.
I work with Kathy Lee on a TV show.
That's not bad, but now could you do me?
That's not bad, but now could you do me?
That's pretty good.
That's pretty good.
How do we get out of this?
How do we get out of this?
Really?
I can't tell.
..
The next item on the block is lot number
JFK's oak rocking chair, a classic symbol
of his administration.
We'll start the bidding at $250,000.
There we are, $250,000.
So the man can say, ooh, look at me.
I've got JFK's rocker in my living room.
I'm so important.
Do I hear $300,000?
$300,000.
I'm as good as the Kennedys, because I've
got that rocker.
Do I hear $500,000?
There's $500,000.
Oh, I'm rocking back and forth on my front
porch and rocker.
J-J-J-J-J-F-K's rocking.
Look at me.
I'm JFK.
I'm JFK.
Going once, going twice, sold to JFK.
Next, lot 33.
Jacqueline Bouvier Kennedy's black bead
necklace.
We'll start the bidding at $2500.
Ladies and gentlemen, these
were first worn by the First
Lady when she met French
President Charles de Gaulle.
Oh, I'm Jackie O in Paris.
Bonjour, Charles de Gaulle.
I have $2,500.
I'm a princess.
Oh, just take them no more bidding.
Lot number 34, Kennedy's cedar and mahogany
humidor bearing the monogram of JFK.
But before we start the bidding, the
humidor has something it would like to say.
Oh, please, Mr. Sutherby, don't sell me to
these vultures.
They're not JFK.
They're just a bunch of creepy Camelot
wannabes.
Don't let them put their stinky cigars in
me.
It's all right.
It's not all right.
It's all right.
It's not all right.
Help me!
Hello, I'm Gene Salad, and welcome to The
Cutting Room Floor, where we take a look
at some rare never-before-seen footage
from classic movies.
Tonight, The Wizard of Oz.
Many people don't know
that, along with the Scarecrow,
the Tin Woodsman, and the
Cowardly Lion, another one of L.
Frank Baum's characters
actually made it to the
shooting stage, but wound
up on the cutting room floor.
Let's take a look.
Gosh, look!
A man in a suit!
Hello, sir.
I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas, and these
are my friends.
Who are you?
Dennis Blanchett.
We're on our way to see The Wizard of Oz!
Heh.
Yeah, sounds like a real ball.
Heh.
Why don't you scram?
I'm scared!
Now, just a doggone second, you!
Yeah, shut up.
Gosh, he's so rude.
Stop crying.
You'll rust again.
Excuse me, sir, but it seems that
something is troubling you.
Maybe The Wizard can help you.
He's going to help me and Toto get home.
And get me a brain.
And me a heart.
And me a knife.
What do you need?
An ass.
A what?
An ass.
I don't have an ass.
You wanna see?
No ass, only skin.
Right there.
Take a look.
I'm modified.
Come on.
What, are you scared of it?
Yeah, I'll show you what I mean.
All the hours I would wile With
nigh-mo-rooted-co-smile The days would
quickly pass All the ladies would be
swoonin' Well, I would be just moonin' If
I only had an ass I would do a lot of
sittin' My pants would be a-fittin' I'd
pass a lot of gas To the folks I'd be
relatin' All about my defecatin' If I only
had an ass Oh, I would run
around And do what most people do
I'd decorate my crack with
ribbons, too What's the matter?
Don't you?
With my back face in a mirror I'd
scrutinize my rear In my looking glass
There would be a lot of takers When I'd
shake my moneymaker If I only had an ass
Doesn't it seem strange
To think of The Wizard of
Oz Being any different Than
the way we remember it?
But who knows How much more beloved It
could've been With Dennis Blanchard And
his search For an ass For The Cutting Room
Floor I'm
Joel Siegel
Tonight, a story that affects us all
Especially those of us In the news
department We are currently the subject Of
a multi-billion dollar lawsuit Resulting
from our investigation Of this company One
of America's business giants Nevertheless,
we feel the story Must be told This man
has worked here For only two weeks But has
already seen enough To scar him forever
Because he fears for his job We have
disguised his voice With that of an
adorable Seven-year-old girl Even though I
know It's the reality
of the workplace It still
shocks me to see it It's
wrong Why did they do it?
Why?
Why indeed The fear you hear In that
precious little voice Is sadly A reality
for others One woman Who we'll call Kim
Was so concerned for her job That she
asked that we disguise Not only her voice
But replace her image With Isaac Hayes It
was awful They asked me to be a part of it
I said no, baby Are they still doing it?
Like Clarkwood, baby Yeah You know what I
mean?
We do know what she means
But we can't tell you And neither
can this next person Who
has also been disguised Hey!
I know what's happening People are dying
from it But I can't say anything I've got
two kids I need this job Oh, Jiminy What a
nightmare Huh?
I'm living a nightmare
Living a nightmare And so are
we all Reporting from
here This is me Game three.
Two words filled with anticipation.
Only one team will walk away up two games
to one, or three games to none,
or one game to two.
Michael Jordan has longed for this day
like he's longed for no other.
For tonight, his Chicago Bulls have the
chance to close the door on the Miami Heat.
Of course, if the Bulls go
on to win the championship,
then yes, he will have
longed for that day the most.
But tonight is its own day.
And let there be no doubt, Alonzo Mourning
has longed for it.
He and his Miami Heat have had a late-season
surge that has brought them to this day.
Or technically, this night.
For it is 8 p.m.
And although it is 5 p.m.
in some parts of the country, the sun has
set in Miami.
Almost set.
Whatever.
It's night.
And for Scottie Pippen, it's a night he
has longed for.
For even more than Michael Jordan or
Dennis Rodman, whose longing we will soon
get to, Scottie Pippen has
longer longed to prove he's
ready to step out of Michael
Jordan's long shadow.
But if Tim Hardaway has his way,
the Bulls could be in for a long night.
But the guy who sews
the Bulls' uniforms has
his own idea of how
this night will unfold.
For if he has his way, the Bulls' jerseys
will be instrumental in neutralizing the
likes of Rex Chapman, Walt Williams,
and this other guy.
But Fred Sanford has his own scenario in
mind.
He and his cohort,
Grady, have a scheme to
sell broken televisions
to buy boxing tickets.
But Lamont We'll return to the
prologue of tonight's game momentarily.
Now, here's Marv Albert and Bill Walton.
Good evening.
Marv Albert along with Bill Walton.
And it has come down to this.
Three more games for the Chicago Bulls and
the Miami Heat.
Unless the Bulls come away tonight with a
victory.
Bill.
Marv, you Chicago Bulls are ready to win
tonight.
Make no mistake.
They want to end it here.
They do not want to not end it.
Bill Walton looking
unusually dapper tonight, able
to branch out from the
bohemian ugly guy look.
But there is a bigger story developing
surrounding this event.
Among the referees for tonight's game is
Jake O'Donnell, the referee who several
weeks ago was head-butted by Dennis
Rodman.
We spoke to O'Donnell
and tonight's crew of
referees before the game
in the Bulls locker room.
These players today, they're like
gangsters.
Oh, yeah.
They got no respect.
They're not like the old-timers.
You take a Jerry West, you know.
I mean, that guy was class all the way.
Sure, sure.
I remember one time I called him for
traveling, which he did.
Did he head-butt me?
No.
You know what he did?
All he did was he called me a
worthless little maggot and told
me I could stick my head in
his crack to check out the view.
Then he said, I never laid a hand on me.
Nah, that's a class I am.
You know another great one?
Oscar Robertson.
I remember one time I calls him for his
second tea and threw him out.
Did he touch me?
No.
He don't even make a move.
He just points to the stands and goes,
hey, that's your wife, right?
She looks kind of sleepy.
I know, because I banged her last night.
And he had.
But he never touched me.
But Rodman, it's scary.
You know, I mean, they barely suspended
the guy.
Do you feel you have any recourse?
Yep.
We're all gonna pee in his sneaker.
At this moment, things got
more chaotic as Dennis Rodman
himself entered the locker
room during the interview.
Hi, Dennis.
How are you doing?
Nice hair color today.
Yeah, thanks a lot, man.
Hey, here you go.
Catch.
Moments later, things got even more out of
hand when a cat entered the locker room.
Bill Walton, your thoughts on the
controversy?
Bill Walton Oh, uh
Oh, man, I just You
know that NBA logo?
That's a guy dribbling a ball.
I just figured that out.
Did you know that?
That's great.
Bill Walton not providing the ideal
promotion for UCLA.
When we return, our new
NBC thought monitor takes you
inside the mind of Chicago
Bulls forward, Tony Kukocz.
Black guy, over here.
Ball, please.
Black guy.
Puppy, candy, you ball.
You ball.
Over here.
Ball me.
Okay, this black guy.
You ball.
Pretty scary, huh?
Hi, I'm Bill Strayhound.
You know, Strayhound buses aren't
infallible.
Far from it.
But they are one thing.
Totally incapable of reaching heights of
30,000 feet like old Flamey back here.
Sure, it takes a little longer to get
there.
But how much longer is an eternity of
death?
Well, this is what happens when a bus
crashes and lands upside down.
Oopsie-daisy.
This is what happens when a plane crashes
and lands upside down.
Strayhound, don't fly.
Strayhound, don't die.
Don't die, don't die, don't die,
don't die!
And now another installment of World
Leaders and Their Bags.
Bath time is me time.
It's time to forget
my troubles and lose
myself in a world of
fantasy and imagination.
I like to cover myself in the
bubbles and pretend, you
know, I like to pretend that I
am a giant bubble creature.
I like to, you know, I will throw bubbles
at you.
Oh, I am a giant bubble creature, you
know, because No, please don't hurt me.
Don't hurt me, bubble creature,
please!
Yes, I will hurt you.
Yes, I will hurt you.
I am a giant bubble creature with bubbles
and a bubble tank.
Look at it, bubble tank is gone.
No, I love the tank and you see,
because I am a giant bubble creature.
Let me tell you something right now,
that sketch made me horny.
The Dana Covey Show will continue.
That's our show, good night!
That's our show, good night!
No, I really mean it, good night!
For me, the bath is a place to kick back
and relax.
It's also a time to enjoy a nice hot cup
of tea.
Oh, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea.
Delicious.