The Venture Bros (2003) s01e07 Episode Script

Minions, your Baron has returned.
All hail Baron Underbheit!
I wish to be brought up to date
on all affairs of Underland.
Catclops, what have you to report?
Tourism has skyrocketed
at the Well of Bitter Sorrows
and Underbheit Birth Crevasse
since you enacted
the mandatory attendance edict.
Told you. Girl Hitler?
Benzine chewables have doubled
production in the child slave mines.
Dilly-dallying saw a brief spike
but we stabilized it by removing the feet
of the alpha males
und the popular girls!
Good. Good.
Manic Eightball, how are things in R&D?
Excellent.
My friends, let us give a toast to me.
You have all drunk deep of my cup
of villainous plenty.
Perhaps too deep.
It's come to my attention that each of you
at this hallowed table has betrayed me.
- Sir, l
- Silence!
Your pleas for mercy will not be heard.
I know all about the skimming off the top,
the planned coup d'etat
und, yes, the whispered comments
and poorly-drawn caricatures.
You stand guilty.
However, you all know me as a fair man.
I see no reason why we can't simply
part ways amicably.
I'll allow you to gracefully resign
your posts in the court of Underland
and that will be the end of it
and just to prove I hold no grudges
I have prepared a special parting gift
for each of you from my recent trip.
If you'll kindly look beneath your chairs
Uh, Tiger Balm. I don't get it.
Well, maybe he's saying he's sore at us,
and so he's giving us balm to soothe.
That's retarded.
Sir, what exactly
Where'd he go?
I knew it. I knew it.
He's gonna kill us, isn't he?
Aw, crap!
Shall I have the maintenance crew
clean the room, my master?
No, not yet, manservant.
Tiger bomb.
A most thorough and decisive action,
your brilliance.
You have eliminated all of the enemies
of Underland in one fell swoop.
No, manservant, not all of them.
One yet remains
Venture.
No.
Brock, I'm begging you here.
You couldn't pick a worse time for this.
Same time every year.
You know that.
I haven't finished the security system yet.
What if something happens?
We're naked in the breeze here.
I left the number of the National Guard
on the fridge.
You'll be fine.
Bye, Brock.
Have fun on your sabotage.
Sabbatical, doofus.
Nice try, Hank.
Come on. Get going.
Aw, can't I come with?
Sorry, Runs with Scissors.
Need to do this alone.
OK, Brock.
Hey, watch this.
I almost got it down.
That's real good, Hank.
Hey, you hold the fort for me
while I'm gone, OK?
You're the man of the house now.
Brock, can't you wait just one more d
What the hell are you smiling about?
Brock said I'm the man of the house
while he's gone.
Oh, so you think
you're a big man now, huh?
No sir.
Think you can take on your old dad, huh?
I knew this day would come.
Go on, big man.
Take your best shot.
What do you mean, Pop?
No! Stop it, you two!
This family is tearing apart!
You proud of yourself, big man?
Look what you're doing
to your poor brother.
Oh, what the hell?
Sorry, sir. Road's closed by order
of the United States Army.
I'm with the Office
of Secret Intelligence, soldier.
What's all this?
Sorry, sir. I wouldn't have expected you
in a civilian vehicle
not that it's not cherry, sir.
I'll radio General Causeway to
No, no. I'm just here for R&R.
Seriously, sir, if you just follow the flares
up this road
I wasn't joking.
You telling me I can't camp here, son?
You mean, you're not here with the
You're here to camp?
What's going on here?
Routine exercises.
Wait! Sir! Can I have your autograph?
Who was that?
Brock [Bleep]-ing Samson.
No way! Dibs on his cigarette butt.
No, no, no.
Hey! What the hell are you doing here?
It is you who has no right
to intrude on Underland business.
Get off. Get off.
What is this?
Out front right now!
Boys, wake up. We're being invad
Holy Toledo!
Pop's in trouble!
What do you dicks want?
The butterfly people will leave at once
that we may slay the Dr. Venture
in the name of the Underland.
Jeez, they're really cut.
Shut up. No way!
We're under orders from the Monarch
to kill Venture ourselves.
But we're supposed to bring back
his mandible as a souvenir for our lord.
Shush! Never share the details
of our master's plan with outsiders.
All right. Look. I got to call this in
to headquarters.
You clowns call your guy
and meet us back here.
Ja. All right
but not because you say so.
- Why?
- We're too late!
Pop's been stung
by a tarantula and a scorpion.
- He's delirious.
- Holy crap, what do we do?
The first thing you do is tie a tourniquet
to stop the toxins from reaching his brain.
Check.
While I do that, you go to the lab and see
if there's any antivenom in the first-aid kit.
Good thinking.
Um, where are we, anyway?
I don't know, but that looks like a door.
Hey, the lab's right here.
When did dad build this?
- Time's a-wastin', Deano.
- Right.
Halt! Who goes there?
Pop, you're al
Intruder! Intruder!
You are trespassing
on Venture Industries property.
Prepare to be destroyed.
Hank! What are you doing?
Knock it off!
This Freudian phase of yours
has gone too far, mister.
You're ground
What the hell was that?
Destroy intruder.
Destroy intruder.
I live here!
Leave me alone!
Something out there,
and it's made of metal,
And it has Dad's face,
and it wants to beat me up.
This is just like my dream.
Yeah, but did you get the first-aid kit?
I don't need first aid, Hank.
I need you to stop choking me
and hitting me with fire extinguishers.
But, Pop, you're bleeding.
Oh, this. Uh, no.
It's fairly common for some men
to lactate involuntarily
in situations of extreme stress.
Dean's lactating, too.
Oh, somebody loves the Monarch.
Monarch speaking.
What?
Well, slay him.
What's the problem?
How many?
Underbheit? Of all the
No, no. Just sit tight, Twenty-four.
I'll call a sit-down.
Nobody is to make a move
until I've had it out with Underbheit.
- Unbelievable.
- What?
Get Baron Underbheit on the phone.
- Why? What's going on?
- Just do it, woman! Man!
Do it yourself, Mr. Big Pants.
Fine.
Wait a minute.
How do I get an
outside line?
Who's there?
Identify yourself.
Intruder. Kill intruder.
Not to worry, boys.
That door is eight inches
of tempered steel.
We're perfectly safe here.
Intruder. Kill.
Let's not test it, Hank.
He's made out of the same stuff.
- What does it want?
- His name is G.U.A.R.D.O
and I designed him
to protect us while Brock's away.
Then why did he try to break my face?
Because I haven't programmed it
into his friendly file yet.
I fell asleep.
Right now, G.U.A.R.D.O.
Doesn't know you or I
from an army of snake people
hopped up on PCP.
But hey, that's what
a panic room is for, right?
We'll be fine if we stay here
till Brock shows up.
Brock. Come in, Brock.
G.U.A.R.D.O?
Hey, does that stand for something?
Hello. It's Doc.
Come on. It's an emergency,
and I can't get to the fridge.
Those are for company.
He's late.
Royalty. That's how they are.
What is this, diet?
Why did you get diet?
- I didn't.
- Taste this, then.
OK. I might have grabbed the wrong bottle
at the supermarket.
How do you do that?
How can you not tell the difference?
God, it's like having my dad
do the shopping.
- He's here.
- Places, everyone, places.
Now!
All right, all right.
Knock it off.
We tried. Whatever.
Is it over?
You can come out now. We're done.
You are supposed
to stay on your side!
Yeah. Look.
It's probably gonna be a while here
and we got some beers and stuff
over at the Monarch-mobile, so I thought
Don't you lay a hand on my Sasquatch!
Why don't you government bastards
leave us in peace?
I'm not here with the government.
- I just want to
- Don't you lie to me.
I know who you are.
You're Brock Samson.
You're with O.S.I.
Bionic, huh?
Let's see how bionic.
Right in my Cape Canaverals.
Wait a minute.
I know you, too.
You're Steve Summers, astronaut.
- Former astronaut.
- I thought you died.
That's what everyone was meant to think.
True, I was barely alive
after my test ship broke up
but the army saved me.
They spent six million dollars
to give me all-new bionic parts.
Made me stronger, better,
faster than I was.
Then you know what they did?
They put me to work.
They expected me to pay it all back.
Do you have any idea how long
six million bucks takes to pay off
on a government salary?
And these are our holding cells.
I'm sure Underland
has much larger ones
you being a whole country and all.
Underland has no prisons.
Really? How progressive.
The master has instated the death penalty
for all infractions of Underlaw.
You have to give me this one.
I've loathed Venture ever since college.
Oh, who hasn't, Underpants?
What makes your case so special?
Wow. You mean, he did that? How?
Where I come from,
a lab partnership is a sacred trust.
One is always supposed to look out
for one's lab partner.
Venture did not.
Fine, fine, but you have to understand.
You can't waltz into the middle
of a delicate, high-stakes
chess tournament
and yell "king me"
just because he bitched up your face.
Venture and I have been engaged
in a deadly game
of cat and also cat for years.
Allow me to enlighten you.
Behold!
But a small glimpse into the genius
that is my 37-point on-going plan
to ruin Dr. Venture's life.
Nope. That's my resume. Hold on.
Damn it!
Oh, hang on a second.
No, no. Let me
Here. Let me just reboot this.
I Have a lot of extensions.
Destroy.
Destroy intruders.
Man. Enough already. We get it.
Listen, boys.
Brock is still not answering.
It's too bad H.E.L.P.eR. Isn't here
to teach this bucket of bolts
some manners.
H.E.L.P.eR. is a real robot.
H.E.L.P.eR. Of course.
H.E.L.P.eR.
Come in, H.E.L.P.eR.
H.E.L.P.eR.
Can you read me?
Oh, where is he now?
Maybe H.E.L.P.eR.
got jealous of your new robot
and he's mad at you.
Oh, of all the ridiculous
Robots don't have fee
H.E.L.P.eR?
Listen to me.
I'm sorry.
I need
Rusty needs your help.
When they closed the plant,
there weren't a lot of jobs for me.
All I got is a G.E.D.
It was either this or the army.
In Underland, all citizens are required
to serve in his lordship's infantry
from the ages of twelve to thirty-seven.
At thirty-eight, we are executed.
When I met the Monar',
I was hooked on cra' 'ocaine.
I get in all kind of trouble.
Monarch turn my life around.
How about you?
Why'd you join up?
You guys kidnapped me when I was fifteen.
Personally, I like the discipline.
Plus, it's a great way to see Underland.
You know what?
Let's have some real fun.
So what, we can't get in there?
Let's do some damage anyway.
And that's when I met
my little Sasburger here.
Well, cupid must've been
using bionic arrows that day
because I took one look
in those big, blue eyes
and I knew I couldn't go
through with my mission
or any mission ever again.
The army might've given me a new body,
but Sasquatch gave me a new life.
We've been on the run ever since.
They're coming.
Don't worry, baby.
I'm not gonna let them get you.
You better get out of here, Samson.
This might get ugly,
and you're still with the Agency.
Now wait a minute.
I have a better idea. Come here.
This is your bionic one, right?
That was hooked up to my brain.
Better lose the bright red tracksuit, too.
- But that's my thing.
- As for you
No! Wait!
What are you doing?
OK. Are you there, H.E.L.P.eR?
Now, what you want to do
is plug directly into the primary CPU.
Once you do that,
you'll be able to reboot the system.
Once it reboots, enter the
It worked.
G.U.A.R.D.O.'s leaving.
H.E.L.P.eR. did it!
Go, Team H.E.L.P.eR!
We're in. All right, henchmen. This is it.
Let's get that bastard!
Halt! Identify yourselves.
Intruders.
Intruders. Destroy.
Oh, it's good to see you again, Mr. Samson.
You got some, uh friends?
Just some buddies from my old unit.
They do this every year.
You ever seen heavy combat, son?
You should look so good
after stepping on a land mine.
Well, I'm sorry, sir.
Go on ahead.
What are you doing?
Why'd you let him go?
What? It's just a bunch of vets camping.
Dude, that was a shaved Bigfoot
and Steve Summers in a wig
made out of shaved Bigfoot.
That was close.
Thanks, Brock.
You can drop us off at the bus station.
Sasquatch has family up in Canada.
We'll probably head up there.
You could've told me
Sasquatch was a
a dude.
- You couldn't tell?
- Not until I had to
shave him.
What are you, shy?
Sasquatch doesn't have anything
you haven't seen before.
Sasquatch is something
I haven't seen before!
Well, that's a fantastic idea,
Underbheit
a team-up.
Well, I couldn't have thought of it
without your input.
Don't we need to file
an Article of Collusion
with the Guild of Calamitous Intent first?
You're right.
Screw protocol.
Go ahead and call them.
Oh, the henchmen are going to be thrilled.
They're not answering.
What the f
Intruder.
Come on, H.E.L.P.eR.
I apologized.
What more do you want?
Oh, damn it!
That's good soup.