Twins (2005) s01e07 Episode Script

Well, Happy Halloween, everybody. | I'm off to my party.
Whoa, don't cross my path.
I have to. I'm going to the elevator.
I know, I was making a joke.
Were you?
Anyway, I like your costume: | Eager Stock Boy.
Props and everything.
That's not what I'm doing. | This is a donation to the old age home.
You know, it's a surplus | from our Sexy Seniors line.
Oh, right.
I still don't know why thongs | for old people didn't catch on.
Well, the important thing is you had an | idea, and we spent a lot of money on it.
All right, well, I gotta get going. | My party's in Mill Valley.
Wait, Mill Valley? | That's where this donation is going.
You can drop it off and save me the trip.
Mm, no thanks. | Old people scare me.
Why?
I don't know. They're just funky.
Right, I remember you mentioning | that at Grandpa Joe's funeral.
Besides, I can't drop off the box, | because I have to help Mom pass out candy.
I'll help Mom pass out candy.
But you don't know how to do it.
Hmm, I know the kids say, "Trick or | treat," but then do I put the candy in
the bags they're holding open | or just wing it into traffic?
Ooh, Sarcastic Stock Boy.
Twins Season 1 Episode 7 | Halloween Boo
I'll get it.
Dolly, where's the candy?
Uh, I'm looking for it!
Oh! Here it is!
Well, hurry, our first | trick-or-treater is here.
We're low on Snickers.
Oh! Mitchee.
Happy Halloween.
Wow, Dad. | You really went all-out.
You think the wig's a little much?
I don't know. | We'll see after I put it on.
Wow, Mom, you look awesome.
I am the Mistress of Death.
Oh, well, you know, one of these days
Death is gonna leave his wife | and stop stringing you along.
Perhaps later, you and I can go | for a little roll in the casket?
That's an image I could | have done without.
Where's your costume?
Oh, um
I'm wearing it.
I'm an eager stock boy.
I don't think the kids | are gonna get that.
Well, I thought that people who were giving | out candy could just come as they are.
No, you're the crypt keeper.
When the doorbell rings, | you have to answer it,
and you say, | "Welcome to the crypt of death."
How are you at laughing like a maniac?
I gotta be honest, Mom.
The most you're gonna get out | of me is smirking like a maniac.
Okay, then lead them to the tomb,
and I will jump out and | scare the crap out of them.
That's entertainment.
Underwear donation, | leaving it on the desk!
Oh. Excuse me, miss.
Can you help me?
You, the blonde.
The one ignoring me and pressing the | elevator button with her left hand.
Now the right hand.
You in the cat suit. | I know you can hear me.
No, I can't.
Please.
I need you for just a minute.
Alan, will you answer that? | I'm getting Mitchee a costume.
I got it!
Oh, my God!
What the
Come back here, you little coward!
Look at the mess you made | on my nice, clean carpet!
Oh, crap!
Congratulations.
You were the last person in America who | didn't know the flaming dog poo trick.
You know what, Dolly? That kid made | this mess, he is gonna clean it up.
I am gonna catch him | and teach him a lesson.
Good idea. You go get him. | I'll guard the Butterfingers.
Mom, I can't believe you | kept all of my old costumes.
I loved making them for you. | And you were so cute in them.
Oh, wait a minute. Maybe | this one will still fit.
I don't wanna wear a costume, Mom.
What happened to you? You used | to love dressing up for Halloween.
I wouldn't say love.
But you always looked so happy | in your costumes, remember?
Oh, right. | Birdleopard
stripper gal.
You know, I think it's been long | enough that I can just tell you now.
I never actually wore the costumes.
What? | Of course you did.
I have all these great pictures of | you leaving the house in your costume.
Yeah, but as soon as | I got out of the house,
I'd go behind the hedge and change | back into my regular clothes.
Wow. | I had no idea.
I know, Mom. | I'm sorry.
Well, now all those calls make sense.
What calls?
The ones that said our daughter | was naked in the bushes.
I mean, I just assumed it was Farrah.
Thank you for helping me, dear.
It's so hard to get those | stockings off by myself.
Well, it was easy once we figured | out you were wearing two pair.
Ohh!
Okay, well Happy Halloween. | Take care.
Uh, wait
Would you mind just keeping me | company till my daughter comes?
It shouldn't be long.
Oh, you know what? I can't. | I have to get to my cat house.
Not that I'm a you know | I meant cat house, like--
Come, sit by me.
So, this daughter of | yours, is she a fast driver?
What's troubling you, dear?
Nothing.
Sometimes it's good to open up.
Okay.
Well I'm a model.
And, as such, I'm hot.
But one day I'm not | gonna be hot anymore.
I'll just be old.
And you know what comes right after old?
Dead. | Which scares me even more than old.
And in a place like this, | everywhere I look,
I see death, I smell death, | I hear death.
Death, death, death!
And sometimes it's good | to keep your yap shut.
Trick or treat!
Welcome to the crypt of death!
Follow me to the tomb.
Those who live will | get Peanut Butter Cups.
Do any among you have weak hearts,
high blood pressure, back problems?
Good.
Then open the tomb, if you dare!
Boo.
I know my heart's pounding. | Tell all of your friends,
and feel free to embellish. | There you go.
"Boo"? | That's it?
That's all I got.
Is this about me not | wearing the costumes?
Why couldn't you have just told me?
Mom, come on. It was, | like, 15 years ago.
What was it?
Nothing. Forget it.
Tell me. Why weren't you honest with me?
I didn't want to hurt your feelings.
Okay, I mean, those costumes | were such a big deal to you,
and I was just trying to protect you.
Why, you didn't think | that I could take it?
I don't know, Mom. I mean, I guess | I just thought that you were
a little fragile.
I am not fragile.
I know, Mom. I was way off.
I can't believe that you thought | you had to take care of me.
Your father and I are | supposed to take care of you.
We are the adults. We | are the mature ones.
The little bastard egged me!
I need to find my slingshot | and pee into a water balloon.
Wow, that kid really | did a number on you.
Yeah, and you know | what is so frustrating?
Is I am never gonna catch him.
He's too fast. He's too clever. | He's too diabolical.
I got him.
That is teamwork, Dolly!
What did you do?
He gave up hope.
Where did you find him?
He was putting Vaseline | on your doorknob.
Oh, that is very funny. | Till someone has to use that door!
So what do you want to do? | Call the cops?
No. This little delinquent is gonna | learn a lesson he is never gonna forget.
You know how you're gonna spend | the rest of your Halloween?
Oh, I didn't know you were | I mean, uh Okay.
- Youget out of here. | - What?
And don't do it again.
What happened to that lesson | he's never gonna forget?
You're right, Dolly. | No candy for you.
Okay, but that's it.
Now, it looks like you didn't | get any Milky Ways in there.
Here, here. Here you go. | All right, come on. Scram.
So your family's from Holland? | Mm-hmm. That's so interesting.
You have to unlock it first, dear.
Listen
I understand how you feel about death. | I used to feel the same way.
- You did? | - Yes.
But then I looked at a tulip.
Ohh. | I understand.
But I haven't explained it yet.
Good. Go on.
Sit down, dear.
I looked at this flower, | and I suddenly thought,
"This beautiful thing wouldn't be here"
"if the tulips that came before it | didn't step aside to make room for it."
Ohh. | That's beautiful.
Yes, we're all beautiful, | but at one point,
we have to step aside | to let other beautiful things grow.
Wow, Ruth.
You know, I've always been so | uncomfortable around old people,
but I've never really sat | down and talked to one before.
You're like regular people | except older.
And sometimes not so regular.
I wish I'd taken the time to get to know | old people. I have so many questions.
Oh, just ask me anything.
Well
can you still
you know.
No, I don't know, dear.
You know get there.
Get there?
You know. Get there.
Ohh, get there.
We used to call it | something else in my day.
We still call it that, you dirty bird.
You know, Mom,
I didn't mean to hurt your feelings | before when I said you were fragile.
That's okay. It's fine.
- Can you get me some paper towels? | - Sure.
Oh, uh, it looks like you're out.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God, it can't be!
What are you doing?
How could you just tell me | that we are out of paper towels
when you know how fragile I am?
All right, I get it.
The pain, the pain. If only | someone had shielded me from it.
Okay, Mom, you've made your point.
Well, how did you expect me to feel
when I hear that you had to | lie to protect my feelings?
Okay, but how do you | think it felt for me
to have to worry about | protecting your feelings?
I know exactly how it felt, because I | spent a lot of time protecting yours.
What are you talking about? When did | you ever have to protect my feelings?
Well, I can't think of any right now.
That's right. | 'Cause there are none.
You're right, Mitchee.
Can you hand me the bag of candy corn?
Oh, there's none left.
Oh, my God! | Oh, my God.
Mom, stop it.
No, this is for real. I ate | a whole bag of candy corn?
And that's how I got | the nickname Rumble Seat.
Wow, you went, girl.
Well, this was really great, Ruth.
Talking to you has changed the way I | look at old people and life and death.
- Okay, I'm gonna bounce. | - Oh, really?
- Yeah, I got that party. | - Oh, right.
Before you go, would you | mind getting me some water?
Suddenly I'm a little not well.
Are you gonna be okay?
Uhh! I think so.
Okay, well, good.
I'm gonna get going to my party. | Who knows? Maybe I'll meet a dog there.
Let him sniff around.
Reow.
You know about that better | than anyone, right, Rumble Seat?
Rumble Seat?
Ruth?
You let that kid go just | because he was black, didn't you?
That's absurd. | Why would I do that?
Because you've got liberal white guilt.
What? | No, I don't.
You're overcompensating. | Just like the time when you took a month
to tell me how Stella | got her groove back.
I was touched.
First, she didn't have her | groove, and then she did.
Okay, fine.
Maybe I feel a little | guilty about how lucky I am.
And sometimes I overcompensate | because I know the world
is not a fair place for | everyone, and I wish it were.
You know what, Alan? You're | right about one thing.
The world is an unfair place.
I just wish that there was something
I could do to change that.
Even if it were a | small thing, a gesture.
That sure would be nice. But, you | know, I can't think of a single thing.
Now I'd best be gettin' down | and start scrubbin' these floors.
Wait a minute, Dolly. | I have an idea.
Hold on, can't talk now, Alan. | This poo is settin' in somethin' fierce.
Dolly, let go of that sponge. | I am going to clean the poo.
But, Alan, you gotta save those | knees for your squash game.
Dolly, I insist. | I am cleaning the poo.
Well, the burden of | oppression is finally lifted.
Uh, don't scrub in circles, honey. | You're just spreading it around.
That's it, darling.
Good-bye, Ruth.
I'll always remember you.
Mom, sorry I'm late. | Oh, hello.
Are you Ruth's daughter?
Yes, I'm Danielle. And you are?
Farrah. I have some really | bad news for you, Danielle.
- Ruth's gone. | - No, she's not.
Yes, she is.
But, you know what? It's okay. She was | ready, and because of her, I am too.
- Mom, get up! | - It's okay.
- She's with the tulips now. | - Mom!
You were supposed to | be here an hour ago.
My meeting ran long. I'm sorry.
She always dies when I'm late.
- But the nurse said-- | - Yeah, they have an arrangement.
Wait a minute
You just pretended to die so | that I would keep you company?
It was only until my daughter got here.
That is so uncool.
Getting old sucks.
Butwhat about the flowers? And-- | and moving aside for beautiful things?
I heard that crap on Dr. Phil.
You know what?
You can take your tulips and | shove 'em up your rumble seat.
Old people.
Come in.
Welcome to the crypt of death.
Mitchee Arnold?
Gordy Hanson?
Oh, my God. How are you?
You look great!
Oh, thank you. | Is this guy yours?
Yes, yes. Wayne, this is Mitchee. She | was a friend of Daddy's in high school.
Hi, Wayne? | Wow, it's so great to see you.
Who wants to die?!
Aah!
Mom!
Well, it's getting kind of hot in here.
I'm sorry. Do you need to go get him?
No, it's okay. My wife's got him.
Wife?
Yeah, Cheryl.
I thought aren't you gay?
Gordy Hanson?
Uh-oh.
Why would you think I was gay?
Well, you were supposed to take me to | prom, but you called my mom and canceled
because you said you were | tired of living a lie.
That's what you told her? | I never said that.
I was never good at taking messages.
Okay, well, I'm gonna
Wait.
What was the real reason | that you canceled on me?
Look, I'm not proud, but I met another | girl at the Dairy Queen that afternoon.
What?
I looked for a dress for four weeks. | And then I had my shoes dyed to match it.
I mean, I spent three hours on my hair.
Again, not proud.
Sorry.
Mom
Yes, dear?
Why did you tell me that Gordy was gay?
Well, he could be. | Dresses like a pirate.
Mom, come on.
How do you think you would have felt | if I would have told you the truth?
I would have been perfectly
devastated.
I took one look at you in | your little purple dress
and your little purple dyed shoes, | and you just looked so
Fragile.
I was gonna say purple. | But, yes, fragile too.
So you were just protecting my feelings. | Mm-hmm.
Are there any other times | you've lied to protect me?
No.
- Are you lying to protect me right now? | - Yes.
- Wow, you are good. | - Thanks.
I'm glad you were looking out for me.
Hey, you're my daughter. | I'll lie to your face any day.