Adults (2025) s01e08 Episode Script

1
[Anton] Okay, guys. It's time.
-[crow cawing]
-[Paul] Hmm.
No, no, I can't, I can't.
[sighs] Okay.
God, mail is so fucked up.
Like, don't they know
we have lives and families?
-Aw, my parents are
in Jackson Hole.
-Who's Jackson?
-How did they both fit
inside his hole?
-[Samir] Ha, ha, yeah.
-It's not a sex trip.
-It's not not a sex trip.
Wait. Ugh.
It's the Bayside Stabber.
I forgot
I'm his prison pen pal.
-Kind of jealous.
-God, I'm gonna have
to read his novella.
-[Issa] What?
-[Paul] It's like
a graphic novel.
Wow, he has such an eye.
-Oh. He said,
"I love you" three times.
-[Issa] Aw.
[Issa] Wait. Is that
from the hospital?
-[Paul] Show us.
-Your outstanding
hospital bill, $15,004.
-Sucks.
-Boo.
-Your reduced bill, $2,200.
-Medium boo.
Your current balance,
zero dollars and zero cents.
-She's out of debt, people!
-Yay! Thank God.
Well, I'd like to thank Anton
for helping me sell my jewelry
-and Issa for buying it.
-My pleasure.
Okay, I'm gonna go
get the last of the mail.
-Congrats, Bills.
-We should frame this.
[Issa gasps] Yeah, we can put
it next to the wanted poster
Oh! Paul Baker has one.
Paul Baker, do your call back.
Call back, call back.
-[Anton] What?
-Guys, my visa's expiring.
Wait, what?
I have to leave the country.
Okay, my parents are
in Beaver Creek now.
I don't wanna hear it.
They're eating pussy.
What?
[theme song playing]
No, of course.
-Con Edison.
-[Paul] Yeah, makes sense.
[Samir] Con Edison.
Con What What
What does Con Edison stand for?
Conrad Edison?
-Okay. Thank you so much.
Bye-bye.
-[line beeps]
Uh, so that was my buddy's
immigration lawyer.
-Uh, it's not looking good.
-What?
He said the best chance
I have at getting another visa
would be to leave the country
as soon as possible.
Uh. How does this happen
to even
our most well-hung countrymen?
-Thank you.
-[Samir] So what
are you gonna do?
You're just gonna
go back to Canada?
I mean, I think I just have to.
-What?
-Well, I mean,
you don't have to.
-You could just
-What?
get married.
-Oh, shit.
-Well, yeah, uh, we could,
but that would be visa fraud.
-That's illegal.
-Sure,
but it's not against the law.
-[Anton] What?
-I think that's exactly
what that means.
Okay, but people
do it all the time.
Okay, but people
do it all the time.
Yeah, I mean, that's true.
Yeah, I mean, that's true.
My aunt married, like, three
desperate Greek men.
She's a human Mamma Mia.
[chuckles] Okay, guys, look,
it's super sweet that you-you
care this much about me
and want me to stay,
but, you know,
marriage means something to me.
-Uh, I'm not just, you know
-[Issa clears throat]
-[Anton] Oh, my God.
-Holy shit.
-Oh
-[Issa] Paul Baker,
you and I have a beautiful
spiritual connection
-Uh.
-and you obviously
worship my holes.
-Oh. No. Bad.
-Also, guys,
marriage is just a construct.
So, if that's what it takes
to keep you here
-Well, then, Paul Baker
-Uh, Iss
Samir, ring. [finger snaps]
Give it
[gasps]
Will you marry me?
-Uh.
-[Samir] Oh, God.
[mumbles]
Paul Baker?
-Come on.
-Okay, yes?
-[screams]
-[screams]
[Billie] Yay! [screams]
Oh, my God you're staying.
-You're getting married.
-I know.
-You're getting married.
-[Issa] I know.
You'll have to fuck
for the both of us now.
[Issa laughs]
-I'm gonna go
call the attorney.
-Okay.
-I'm gonna go
call the attorney.
-Okay.
-Yay!
-Oh.
-Yay!
-Oh.
So you guys will talk
to Zack-Carlos?
-Oh, shit. Zack-Carlos.
-Oh, my God.
Zack-Carlos. Why does
that name sound familiar?
[knocks on door]
[gasps]
-[Anton] Zack-Carlos.
-Hi, Zack-Carlos.
So, we are gonna
need you to divorce Issa.
thanks for doing this.
Duh, Paul Baker,
we are getting married.
That means something to you.
I am giving you
the full wedding experience.
-Mmm. Thanks.
-[Issa] Besides,
religion has become very
important to me ever since
I realized it was just talking.
-[Father] Hello.
-[Issa, Paul] Hi!
-[Issa] Hi.
-[Paul] Hello.
-Sorry about that.
Some church business.
-Oh, no, no, no.
Thank you for meeting with us
on such short notice.
[chuckles] Of course.
As you know, it is a miracle
to be married
under the eyes of God.
Oh. Those eyes.
-Nothing to see here, God.
-Mm-mmm.
Just a totally normal marriage,
Just a totally normal marriage,
but we are on a very tight
time line because both
of our moms are dying.
but we are on a very tight
time line because both
of our moms are dying.
but we are on a very tight
time line because both
of our moms are dying.
-No. Mm-mmm.
-[Issa] Hmm?
-No. Mm-mmm.
-[Issa] Hmm?
-Shh. Shut up. Shh.
-No, Iss.
-No, that's not true.
-So sad. Shh.
-No, that's not true.
-So sad. Shh.
Father, we're getting married
so that
I can stay in the country.
Father, we're getting married
so that
I can stay in the country.
-Paul Baker!
-What?
Let's be honest with him,
he's a priest.
I was an altar boy.
Oh my God, are you okay?
-What?
-What?
No, no,
I-I-I appreciate the honesty.
It's-It's the bedrock
of any marriage.
-I always say that.
-I agree now.
And I think we should
-be honest.
-Be honest, yeah.
No more secrets.
Good. Now, have you
consummated the marriage yet?
No, no, never.
-Issa.
-Never once.
-Issa.
-Well, really,
where is the question,
because we have consummated
it in my mouth
-No.
-But very rarely
in my bottom too.
Iss.
-[clears throat]
The bottom too.
-[Issa] Mm-hmm.
-[clears throat]
The bottom too.
-[Issa] Mm-hmm.
So are you living chastely?
So are you living chastely?
Yes, super chastely.
Chasty, chasty,
chaste the rainbow.
No, that's
What's going on with you?
No, that's not true, Father.
We have sex all the time.
Well, tha-that is true.
-Thank you.
-To conceive.
-No.
-Yes, we are trying
to start a family
-in my mouth.
-Uh.
-Jesus Christ.
-Paul Baker!
Oh, fu Oh, sorry.
-Now he's never going to do it.
-[Father] Oh, no, no. I
It-It was the other stuff.
That's why I won't do it.
[Paul] Oh, goddamn it.
-[Anton] Get a signature.
-[Samir] See what
you can get out.
-No small talk.
-No. None.
-I don't want to reminisce.
-No. Why would we do that?
-I really
-Whoa.
Missed you guys.
-Aw. Miss you.
-Nice.
You know, I almost forgot
that Issa
and I were even married.
[Anton] I know.
I think we all tried to.
In our defense though,
spring break,
we were on one. Like
Wink wink. [chuckles]
I can only do it with my hands.
-Mm-hmm. I remember.
-[Anton] Right.
And Issa was all, like,
"Marriage is a construct."
Brrr.
Yeah, she says that stuff.
But the thing is,
is now
she's getting married to,
-like, her actual boyfriend,
right? So
-Yes, yes.
And-And he's dealing with this
whole visa thing and he's
gonna have to move out and
[Zack-Carlos] Oh.
Sorry, um, is he living
with you guys?
Well, that's interesting
because I remember
when I asked to move in,
you said that
it was "capped at four."
Did I say that?
It's such a long time ago.
But now, uh, it's two,
three, Billie's four
-Oh.
-No, I know, five, yeah. Okay.
I guess
there's room for five now.
Yep, that's how counting works.
Yeah. So, here's the deal.
Um. It doesn't really matter
where he's living, right?
What matters is that
you sign these divorce papers.
The bit was funny,
but now let's just
end it.
You know, I'm gonna have
to think about it.
-What?
-[Zack-Carlos] Just cause
[groans]
I've got a lot going on
right now.
You know,
I'm currently living with Beth.
-Do you remember Beth
from move in?
-Beth?
Yeah, isn't she your
Mother.
In a way, yeah.
But we're about
to part as friends,
so, like, I can't even, like,
think about any
of this right now
until I figure out
where I'm living.
Like [groans]
what do we do? [chuckles]
-Okay.
-[Zack-Carlos] What do we do?
[Anton] Oh. Um.
[Anton, Samir, Paul cheer]
Holy shit.
Holy shit.
Whoo. You are incredible.
Whoo. You are incredible.
And that's what I learned
from the Hustlers trailer.
-Very nice, Iss.
-Thank you.
-Does this make up
for the priest thing?
-It really does, babe.
-Yay!
-Thank you.
Wait. Is Billie still flirting
with that couple?
Don't look, but look.
Oh, my God. I remember when
my first friend got engaged.
-[Billie] Really?
-Ugh. Me too.
Yeah. Oh. It was bad.
I plucked out every single
one of my eyebrows.
I looked like a ping pong ball.
-I'm really happy for you.
-Oh, my God.
It's funny, but it was
-it was honestly scary.
-[person 1] It was bad.
-[Issa] Oh. I'm so proud
I could cry.
-[Anton] Aw.
So what'd you boys
get up to today?
Oh, yeah, what did
you boys get up to today?
Oh. Um.
-We made soup.
-We made soup.
-[gasps] Fun!
-Soup without me?
What kind?
-Minestrone.
-Minestrone.
-[Issa] Hmm.
-Well, you guys
are being weird.
-No.
-You, like, hiding
something or what?
-[sighs] We burnt the soup.
-[sighs] We burnt the soup.
-[sighs] So sad.
-Okay.
-Um, Paul Baker,
I need to get sit down.
-Yes.
Can you guys go stand
in Billie's eyeline
in case that couple gets weird
and human trafficky?
-Yeah, of course.
-Thank you.
You guys are such good allies.
Not you.
What did that Zack-Carlos say?
So yeah, it's not looking good.
-He won't sign the papers.
-What?
Yeah, and he's trying to, like,
move in with us now.
Can you just please be honest
with Paul Baker?
No. No. Absolutely not.
If I tell him I've been
married this whole time,
he will move back to Canada.
Issa, he's not gonna move back
to Canada if you're just
honest with him.
He loves honesty.
He's obsessed with it,
which is why we have to lie.
-Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.
-[Issa] I'm telling you,
I know him.
I'll talk
to Zack-Carlos tomorrow.
[sighs] Thank you.
You're a good man.
Now get on that table
and make it bounce for mamma.
Make what bounce?
No. It's on the house.
[scoffs] Wow.
He's cute.
-No. No.
-No?
Anton, you don't wanna make
that dry martini
a little dirty?
-[laughs] Honestly,
I probably should.
-Huh?
-It's getting really bad.
-[Paul] The dry spell?
Yeah. The other day
I almost bit a mannequin
at Bloomingdale's.
-Fuck off.
-[Anton] Yeah.
-Where?
-Oh. In the lump.
-[Paul retches]
-[chuckles]
-But yeah, weirdly
I'm like not spiraling.
-Hey.
My friends are
where they're supposed to be.
I'm where I'm supposed to be.
And where is that?
Oh. Um
I don't know.
Just at a bar
with a really hot couple
who I think is open or I'm
totally misreading the vibe.
-Um. Okay, she's hot.
-Yes.
[person 1] She's fucking hot.
Oh, this girl She's so hot.
-[Anton] How are you though?
-Marriage wise?
-Awesome. Yeah.
-Cool.
I mean, sure,
I-I always pictured
my wedding a certain way.
And what's that?
Outdoor venue, private vows,
glow sticks at the after party.
-Got it, glow sticks.
Needed always. Yeah.
-Yeah. Yeah.
But I mean this is
this is great too.
This is awesome.
Like, it is so sweet what Issa
is doing, marrying me.
What all you guys are doing
to keep me here, but
-Mind wipe?
-Yeah, of course.
I
I Um.
You're not ready
to get married, but you want
to stay in the house,
and you really
don't want to disappoint us.
You know what,
I think I'm gonna, um,
get one of those free martinis.
[Anton] Yeah, definitely.
-Hi, I would like another
-[bartender] Another?
-because this has spilled.
-[bartender] You got it.
Okay, I have to go
to the bathroom. Just pee.
You guys can hold hands, but
no first kiss until I get back.
-Promise.
-[Billie] I promise.
-[stammers] All right.
-[person 1] Oh, my God,
you guys are cute.
So you're
an orthopedist. [chuckles]
I don't want this.
-Hmm?
-I don't. I don't want this.
It's just my wife, she wanted
to open the marriage.
She wanted to go out
and she wanted to explore, but
I wanted to have kids by now.
-I'm sorry, what?
-[person 2] But no, my wife,
-I'm sorry, what?
-[person 2] But no, my wife,
she wants to go around town
and she wants
to fuck young sluts together.
she wants to go around town
and she wants
to fuck young sluts together.
[chuckles] I can't keep having
this amount of sex
with random people.
I mean, you're incredible,
and I'm not even attracted
to you at all.
And I mean,
look at you, you're so
-Pretty?
-Gen Z.
-Oh, okay.
-Yeah. I love Gen Z and
Yeah.
You know what, Brian?
You know what?
No. No, actually. No.
Because, hey, look at me.
Look me in the eye.
I have had a very tough year.
It sounds
like maybe you have too.
But guess what?
Tonight's not about you,
Brian, okay?
Not about your wife.
There are three of us here
and only one of us
shaved their asshole for this.
Was it you, Brian?
-Was it you, Brian?
-No, but
So, here's
what's gonna happen, okay?
Your wife's gonna come back
and then you're gonna man up
and you're gonna fuck me,
then your wife in that order
because I get UTIs
like a grandmother,
Brian. Do you understand me?
-Yeah. Yeah.
-Yeah?
-Great.
-That sounds awesome.
-[Billie] Hi.
-Hi, sweetie.
-Hey!
-Remember me?
-Welcome back.
-Okay, what
were you talking about?
It just, we were What did
You said What did you say?
Hey, hey. Don't forget
to do that thing I taught you.
Ooh.
What, uh
What thing did she teach you?
-It's just anal.
-[Brian sighs]
We're doing anal tonight.
And then what happened?
Zack-Carlos,
we told you this already.
[stammers] It turns out it was
the bayside stabber
and he was on our couch.
And then the police came
and it was a whole ordeal.
-Yeah.
-[Zack-Carlos]
You guys are crazy.
-The antics. [giggles]
-[sighs]
You know what?
I have decided.
-Yeah?
-Great!
-Great, you can sign
right here.
-Thank you so much.
I will move in. Aw.
Oh, bro, no.
No.
Zack-Carlos, you're not
No, you're not moving in, okay?
Zack-Carlos, you're not
No, you're not moving in, okay?
-I'm just gonna be straight up
with you.
-All right. Classic Samir.
-I'm just gonna be straight up
with you.
-All right. Classic Samir.
No, no.
I'm being serious, okay?
You are not moving in.
And it's not because
there's no room.
It was never about that.
-Mm-hmm.
-It's because
you're so crazy, okay?
And And where's Beth?
Where's your mom?
Is she alive?
I don't want to go back
and forth with you.
Can you just sign
the divorce papers?
-No!
-[gasps]
-Why?
-Because you guys left me.
We used to hang out
all of the time.
Then after college,
you replaced me with Billie.
And now with Paul Baker.
Bisexual, queer, proud!
-Wait, how do you know that?
-Instagram story, bitch.
While we're doing it,
let's just call him like he is.
He's an illegal alien.
-Oh, okay.
-No, you can't say that,
Zack-Carlos.
-He's an alien.
-What? Zack-Carlos, no.
-Hey, do not.
-Yep. Yep.
He's an illegal alien
who is sleeping with my wife.
So, no, I'm not divorcing Issa
because
that's how I'm involved.
[Samir] Ugh.
Okay.
Okay, okay. You're right.
-You're right, Zack-Carlos.
-He's right?
He's right, Samir. He's right.
[sighs] It's just
a shame though
'cause you would've really
hit it off with Paul Baker.
-He loves meeting new people.
-What are you doing?
-He's kind,
he's a great listener.
-What?
He's, like, funny over text.
[chuckles]
You know those people that are,
like, funny over text, Samir?
You know those people? Hmm?
-Mmm. He's funny over text.
-[Anton] So funny.
I-I'm funny over text.
-[Samir] Yeah.
-Yes.
Yes, you're funny
over text too.
They would have such good bits.
-P.B. and Z.C.
-Would've, could've,
should've. Yep.
Too bad he's going back
to Canada. Bye, Zack-Carlos.
-Wait.
-[Anton] Hmm?
Does he watch
The Masked Singer?
Yeah.
Could he explain it to me?
-Of-Of course.
-Of course.
-Yay, congratulations.
-[bride] Appreciate it
Twins.
Aw. You're doing
a really good thing.
[Issa] Thanks, I know.
Ugh. Oh, wait!
How was that date
with that couple last night?
-It was actually really good.
-[gasps]
-Oh, really?
-[Billie] Yeah.
[Issa] Wow.
-Ahem. You have UTI?
-My vagina is on fire.
[screams] Look at you,
you little ass hopper.
Threesomes, itchy vaginas.
-You're, like, doing it.
-I know.
And meanwhile you're
the responsible one
about to get married.
-I know.
-Next thing you know,
you're gonna stop flushing
your tampons down the toilet.
I know. What?
It's like you're the Billie
and I'm the Issa.
Oh, God.
-Yeah. Yeah, that's true
-Next thing you know
you're gonna start
-[Samir] Wow!
-Hi.
-Hi!
-Hi!
Issa, you look so beautiful.
Thanks.
It's vintage Samir's mom in
that it is her wedding dress.
-Excuse me.
-[Issa] Mm-hmm.
Iss, we got
those papers signed.
Yep, we handled it.
[gasps] Good, great.
Super great.
[Samir] Oh. Shh. Shh.
-[Billie] Hey!
-[Paul] Okay,
I know I'm not supposed
to see you yet, my beautiful
bride. Are you ready, Iss?
-Yes, super ready. Super.
-[Paul] Okay, let's do it!
-[Billie] She's ready!
-Let's go!
-All right. All right,
let's go!
-I'm getting married! Yay! Yes!
-Come on, Carly.
-Okay.
[Anton] Carly,
I am stealing you
from Samir. You're tiny.
I hope it's a UTI.
[♪orchestral music playing]
Hello.
-Ooh. Take me in.
-What?
Take me in, take me in.
[sniffs]
Did you sniff me?
[Billie] And, okay.
I will see you in there.
Wait, wait, wait.
Please, please, please.
What?
I can't do this.
-Oh, my God, Iss.
-[Issa] I can't.
I'm not supposed
to get married at 24.
If anything, I'm supposed
to get married
at 60 to a 24-year-old.
Okay, Iss, but remember
Remember,
you've been married before.
Yeah, as a bit!
This isn't a bit.
I live with this guy.
[♪romantic music playing]
Hey, sorry, who is this guy?
It's Zack-Carlos.
He's your best man.
Okay.
He's gonna get deported.
Paul Baker's gonna
get deported.
This is horrible.
Do you know how many marches
I've been to for that?
-Oh, God.
-He's not gonna
get deported, okay?
Oh, my God, I'm gonna throw up.
I'm gonna throw up.
I'm gonna ralph.
-Issa, don't ralph.
-[Issa] Oh, God.
I'm gonna ralph
on Samir's mom's dress.
-Don't throw up.
-I'm gonna throw up. Oh, God.
If you puke,
it'll make me puke.
-[gags] Oh, God. [gags]
-Don't
Oh, my God. [chuckles]
[burps] I'm a bad person.
I'm a bad person.
Hey, look at me. Stop crying.
-Oh, God. What do we do?
-[Billie] It's okay.
We are gonna figure this out.
How?
[doors opens]
What the fuck?
-[Paul whispers] Jesus Christ.
-Okay.
-That's not the bride.
-Oh.
[whispers] Billie,
what's happening?
Issa is really really sorry,
but she can't
actually marry you right now.
[Paul] Oh.
-Totally, yeah.
-[Billie] Okay?
But it's gonna be okay because
we're not gonna lose you
because [breathes deeply]
I am gonna marry you.
-Billie, what?
-No.
-That's crazy.
-Who cares, okay?
Last night I went down
on a woman while her
husband sobbed beside me, okay?
-I can do anything.
-[Samir] Billie, no.
Okay, hey, Billie, hey. No.
-I'll-I'll just marry him.
-What the fuck?
-Samir.
-He's my guy, okay?
I He cooks my meals.
He-He remembers my passwords.
He lives in my house, okay?
-Let's just do this.
-Hey, guys, no.
Samir, well, you're
not even gay, so
So? I've seen it.
I can get there.
-Ooh.
-Hey, guys, no.
Super sweet
that you want to do this.
But if Issa can't marry me,
then that's that.
-I'm leaving the country.
-Well, she totally can though.
[Billie] Oh Just no, no.
I divorced her this morning.
[gasps]
-Fuck.
-What?
Shit.
-Oh. Oh. And that is the bride.
-Ooh.
-You have four minutes.
-Hi, Paul B.
Sorry, sweetie. Thank you.
-Hi. Uh Okay.
-Hi.
So, I actually lied about,
like, a lot, actually.
-Iss
-[Issa] I was married,
when I proposed to you,
to a nightmare
twank named Zack-Carlos.
Hi, Zack-Carlos. And I
[Paul] You were married?
-Yeah.
-[Paul] The whole time?
[Issa] Mm-hmm.
And all of you guys knew?
-Yeah, we knew.
-Well, his name
sounded familiar.
-[sighs]
-[Issa] Yeah, they knew.
-[sighs]
-[Issa] Yeah, they knew.
Going back, you know,
we probably wouldn't have
lied as much.
Going back, you know,
we probably wouldn't have
lied as much.
But it was just because
we thought
we could pull it off.
-Pull it off?
-Pull it off?
-This is my life.
-His life.
-You know, you could've
just talked to me.
-Just talk.
Look, we all love you.
We just want you to stay.
So literally any of us
would marry you.
-[Billie] Yeah, we would.
-Yeah. And I love you,
Paul Barker.
[Paul] Zack-Carlos,
I swear to God
Paul Baker, you choose.
-What do you want?
-[Billie] Yeah.
[sighs]
[all laughing]
Okay, wait, can
I have some cake?
-No, I want this one.
-[Billie] I'll trade you.
Okay.
Oh, we watching a movie?
[Issa] Mmm. That suit.
I may not be a bride,
but I'm gonna fuck
a groom tonight.
-[Paul] Okay.
-[Issa] Wait, wait, wait.
You have to sit next to
your literal spouse.
-Oh, yeah.
-Oh, yeah.
-Okay. Okay, okay.
-[Samir] Come on.
[Paul clears throat, chuckles]
[sighs]
Thank you for marrying me.
Of course. It was nothing.
It's marriage.
It is something.
-Wait, you guys never
had your kiss.
-Oh, my God!
-You have to.
-No, guys
[Billie] Guys,
come on. Kiss, kiss
No. No, no, no.
We don't need to do that.
-Kiss, kiss, kiss,
kiss, kiss, kiss.
-Okay, then.
-[Samir] That Come on
-Bigger than that.
You're not gonna get cooties.
Kiss.
Fine. Okay.
Kiss for real!
-Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss.
-Kiss, kiss, kiss,
kiss, kiss. [chuckles]
[Paul clears throat]
Uh-huh.
"Kiss, kiss!" We kissed.
We We just kissed.
-Should we watch a movie?
-Yep. Yes.
We need to watch
a movie right now.
-[Paul] Let's do it.
-[Anton] Hundred-percent.
[Issa] Oh, uh.
Okay, someone
throw out a movie.
Oh. Um [clicks tongue]
-[electricity hums]
-[Issa screams]
[Samir sighs]
Conrad Edison.