AfterMASH (1983) s01e08 Episode Script

1
I'll see you next time.
Just when we feel we can no longer endure,
God in his mercy gives us respite.
Of course, we all feel at times that life is
a series of endless trials and tribulations.
Amen.
So never forget, he has a plan for each of
us.
We must accept the role God casts us in
humbly and without malice.
Amen.
Gotta be in the homestretch.
He's gone through the Ten Commandments,
the Twelve Apostles, and the Seven Deadly Sins.
What's left?
Consider the Three Musketeers.
Think of them as faith, hope, and charity.
And that's a subtle reminder that I'm a
little long in the wind this morning, huh?
Amen.
Alas, I always leave them wanting less.
Announcements.
Today, as we all know, is Visitor's Day.
It is a joyous and reflective time for one
and all.
It is a time for families to be reunited.
For old acquaintances to be renewed.
Today is also our first hospital annual
bake sale.
A veritable feast of sweets organized by
our own eternally effervescent Mrs.
Potter.
The sale proceeds will be used to purchase
a phonograph for our day room.
So I hope you'll all empty your pockets and
fill your stomachs for this most worthy cause.
And for those unable to make the sale,
I'll pass the collection plate.
Which some impish worshiper has nailed
down yet again.
Ah, Max!
Delighted to have you here.
I know Sunday is a day of rest,
and you tend to take that quite literally.
For the truth, Father, I'm on the clock,
picking up some mad money to pay the rent with.
Expanding my horizons at General Pershing.
Today I'm the janitor.
Well, I'm glad you could at least make it
to the service.
It was the only way they'd give me a
break.
Oh, wait, hello.
Did you enjoy the service?
I don't know.
All that stuff about accepting God's rule is
not really what I'm looking to hear, you know?
Oh, I'm sorry.
I need a lot more than words to help me,
right?
You're sleeping in chapel again, Bob.
I'm afraid God frowns on that.
You'd understand how it is when he's
older.
Dr. Green, Dr. Edward Green, report to
audiology.
Dr. Green to audiology, please.
All clear.
Church service is over.
Thank God.
It's not that I'm irreligious,
Alma, or even sacro, but that priest can
chew up a sundae worse than any friar I've
ever known.
Well, I've always believed the more a man
runs off at the mouth, the less he has to say.
A rule to which you, of course,
sir, are the exception.
I appreciate that, Alma.
Ditto you're giving up your day to help
me.
Hope you didn't have anything big planned.
Just wrestling on television.
Gorilla Garofalo versus the Human Wrecking
Ball in a no-holds-barred Texas death match.
Oh, Alma.
I didn't know.
Work me for pleasure.
Well, hello, Mike, Miss Cox, Colonel,
Miss Potter.
Well, well, what do we have here?
We have here my niece, Charlotte Brimley,
visiting from Fort Smith.
Charlotte, Mike D'Angelo, Alma Cox.
I'm pleased to meet you both, Charmed.
The pleasure's in the beholder, ma'am.
Duty beckons, Mr. D.
That it does.
When you're the big boss, you can't even
call the weekends your own.
You're an inspiration, Mike.
That's what makes it all worthwhile.
Attention, everyone in the hospital.
The bake sale is now starting, fellas.
Be sure to buy your sugar some sweet.
So the patients on restricted diets get a colored
card indicating what they can eat and what they can't.
I wrote it down for you.
I'm sick as a dog.
Do you know where admissions is?
Main entrance.
Just follow the yellow line till it runs
into the wall, then ask for directions.
Thanks.
You can get there, brother.
What?
To heaven.
And I can help.
Fervous gentry preacher.
Harold Fritzell, plumber.
I spread the Lord's word freelance.
Weekends, mostly.
Friends.
Is that despair I see in your eyes?
Just a sign, I think.
Satan has got you in a half, Nelson, boy.
He's using your afflictions to blind you
to the light.
Now get down on your knees here and pray
with me.
Dear God, help this poor soul.
Sir, excuse me, sir.
I'm not a patient here.
I just came to see my brother.
Oh.
Do you drive a car?
Sure.
Well, if you should be thinking of getting
a new one, just drop on by.
Enlightened Motors.
No wham-bam, thank you, ma'am.
Just sign your name in the wood.
Your credit's good.
It's understood.
Just think on it.
Excuse me.
I see a sullen wretch who really needs my
help.
Son.
Son.
I can see the years of misery lining your
visage, but eternal life can be yours.
My life's already eternal.
I spent half of it in the bathroom,
which is where I'm heading right now.
Hey, Sergeant Potter, come here.
Ever meet a Jack-leg minister before?
It's been a long time, but not long
enough.
Have you been cleared by the chaplain's
office, Mr
Reverend Gentry, the Lord's messenger
needs no clearance, sir.
Didn't I have to do something?
The bathroom.
Thanks.
Thanks the Lord!
Mr. Gentry, counseling our patients is too
important a job for amateurs.
Amateur?
Sir, the Lord has personally apprised me
of the spiritual needs of these patients.
Let me put this as diplomatically as I can.
Leave.
Go.
Buy a cake and go.
My, my, these forms are a mess.
I'm afraid we'll have to put our heads together
and keep them there far into the night, sir.
Huh?
What?
Into the night?
I'll arrange to have dinner for two sent
up.
Sir, would you mind dividing these weekly
reports?
I can't.
I have to go.
What?
Spot check of the wards.
Every so often I, uh, like to surprise our
people when they think I'm not around.
Since I am around, which is a surprise to
me, let it be one to them.
We are going to work together.
We are.
We're just doing it apart.
Oh, Father, I'm Harold Fritzell.
My brother is a patient up there.
Oh, yes.
I think your visit's going to be a real
shot in the arm for Wally.
That's why I want to see him.
I just don't want to use the stairs or the
elevator.
Any suggestions?
Not unless you're an exceptionally
proficient pole vaulter.
What's the problem?
Acrophobia.
A morbid fear of high places.
It's a real phobia.
It's been accepted by the American Medical
Association and Time Magazine.
Well, phobias aren't my strong suit.
I'm extremely good with guilt, however.
A carnal urge is something of a specialty.
Father, just tell my brother that I'm
here, I love him, and I'll get up there if I can.
Of course.
You just relax.
I have some other business to do right
now, but I promise to talk to him.
Careful!
Oh, can I help you, Mrs. Connell?
Do I know you?
Of course!
Were we married?
I'm Mrs. Potter.
I'm Bob Connell.
I want this cake, and this one,
and this one here for dessert.
I'll have to see your dietary card.
Don't have one.
No card, no cake.
You're a tough woman.
Are you sure we weren't ever married?
Sorry.
I can't let you have cake.
It's bad for your stomach.
I don't have a stomach.
Exactly.
You might die.
I will die soon.
And my last request is cake.
Now, I won't forget this.
Well, actually, I will in about ten minutes.
But then I'll remember.
And when I remember, I'll be back.
Unless I forget.
Everybody?
Hello.
Good day, et cetera.
Oh, Mr. D'Angelo.
You remembered my name.
That's a sign of a good memory.
It is?
Yes, it is.
But I must have left my manners in the
hamper with my dirty socks this morning.
Pardon me.
A gentlemanly administrator would have
offered to show you around the hospital.
Please, may I make amends?
Look, yes.
Mrs. Dover, that delicious fruit strudel
is on sale.
You look like a man with a lot on his
mind, son.
Just thinking.
No visitors today?
No.
I'm alone.
Not anymore.
Yeah, that looks fine, doctor.
Why didn't you tell me you were Dr.
Potter, chief of medicine?
I gotta get okayed by you before they'll
admit me.
Just sign this slip so I can lay down.
I'll have to take a gander at that medical
record of yours first.
Oh, that's okay.
You just have to look at me to know I'm on
death's doorstep, doc.
According to this, the only thing wrong
with you is that you're a bad actor.
What?
My neck is killing me.
I think I got a tumor.
It's right here in black and white.
Admitted under false pretenses.
Faked irregular heartbeat.
Claimed bubonic plague.
No symptoms.
Look, you gotta help me.
I'm a veteran.
We'll claim he is a veteran.
No record of having served.
They lost my records in that big fire they
had someplace.
Son, you're a veteran.
You are as phony as a $2 slug.
I am a doctor, not a hotel keeper.
If what you're looking for is a little free
room and board, I suggest you give Mom a call.
My arms, they're getting numb.
Take two aspirin and call yourself a cab.
Hal Purcell.
Max Klinger.
You don't want to shake my hand.
You wouldn't believe where it's been.
I'm going up to see my brother.
Oh.
You ride this thing often?
All the time.
Sometimes I pack a lunch.
My day off and where am I?
Stuck in the office.
Come on.
Oh, I guess it's no big deal.
Just an elevator, right?
Yeah.
Right.
Fine.
Are you going up or not?
I'm thinking about it.
You can think in here.
Odds are we'll get stuck.
We'll be between floors anyway.
I think I'll sit this one out.
And we have the finest in clean, wholesome,
non-communist reading matter here.
I love to read.
Oh?
I do, too.
Many's the night I've spent with my
all-time favorite author, Dickens.
My husband loved Dickens.
Oh.
There's a Mr. Brimley?
Not anymore.
Oh, you mean he's Four
months ago, on the farm.
What a traumatic experience.
A traumatic experience for you.
And him, he was threshed.
Here you are.
I'm sorry for this show of emotion.
Everyone needs someone to talk to.
My ear is at your disposal.
And that's just for a start.
When you're smiling, when you're
smiling
Walk.
I say walk.
I can't.
Who says you can't?
The doctors?
Atheists, a lot of them.
Heathens, MDs, medical devils.
I say you can walk.
He who has cured the lame and healed the
afflicted says you can walk.
He is speaking to you through me, telling
you to be whole again for his greater glory.
He is?
Coming in loud and clear, but it takes
prayer, son, and belief.
Do you believe?
I believe.
Who do you believe?
Who do you believe in?
The Lord.
The good and gracious Lord.
All praises to his holiness.
What the hell's going on?
Who are you?
The Reverend Purvis Gentry.
Of what church?
I am at present unaffiliated.
However, the spirit of holiness pervades
every fiber of my being.
More, I'm sure, than can be said for you,
priest.
He says I can walk, Father.
I say step over here.
Do you realize you could be doing
irreparable?
Harm to that young man?
His spinal cord is severed.
He will never walk.
Read your Bible, priest.
Lazarus was stiff as a starch collar,
but he was raised up again.
By the Lord, not you.
You're not from these parts, are you?
Philadelphia, if it matters.
Aha, a big city paper.
I know your kind, riding around in
Cadillac.
I don't even own a car.
We'll talk about that later.
But you better understand, you're not in
the big city now.
Missouri is the buckle of the Bible.
Bible belt.
These are my people, priest.
People who still believe in the healing
power of faith.
Don't you lecture me on faith, you quack.
It is not my voice.
It is his.
This is not my right hand.
It's his.
And this is his left.
Now get out of here before he lets you
have it.
He won't bother you anymore, Wayne.
He'll bother me.
He told me to try, and all you ever say is
give up.
Wayne, I'm coming right back.
Don't go too far.
Yeah, how far could I go?
One.
Step at a time.
Nothing to be afraid of.
Change, change, change.
I say unto you that all who is a hero
shall suffer the wrath of God's terrible,
mighty, righteous, rich God, and be
banished for eternity.
Are you all right, sir?
Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.
How's your brother doing?
I haven't seen him yet.
He's only on the third floor.
I can't get up there.
Might as well be the moon.
Hold it!
Hold it!
I have proof I was in the army.
This yearbook I found in the library.
That's me, top row, second from the end.
You were a lot balder.
Taller, too.
And your name was Omar Bradley, then.
Right.
See what's become of me?
Give me a break, General.
I tell you, I'm a veteran.
I have a right to be here.
Now, about my leg.
Look, Mr. Carstairs, the final authority
on admissions is the administrator's office.
You got a problem, you go talk to Miss
Alma Cox.
That woman is the top dog around here.
I made the macaroons.
Oh, your cookies are selling like
hotcakes.
Our patients have their own gardens.
Shall we sashay over to the compost park?
God wants me to walk.
Oh, no.
Leave me alone.
Not on your life.
Wayne, you can't walk.
You will never walk.
You must accept that.
But you believe in hope.
I do.
The hope that you can have a rich,
full life.
And you can.
If I can't walk, I got nothing to live for.
Not long ago, a man who couldn't walk was
president of the United States.
Do you think he had a reason to live?
Sit, Alma.
Catch, Alma.
Heal, Alma.
He's even got me paper trained.
Miss Cox?
You'll die before you touch this body,
you sick pervert.
I am sick.
That's why I gotta see a doctor.
But I need someone important to sign an
okay so I can get into the hospital.
Oh.
Oh.
Well, I can't help you.
You're gonna have to talk to the hospital
administrator, personally.
Why?
Where is he?
31 minutes ago, he entered the cafeteria
with his hussy du jour.
Do you think you'll admit me?
I've been having problems.
Don't take no for an answer.
Hound him.
Pester him.
Distract him.
Can you do that?
I'm the best.
Prove it.
Come on.
What were you good at in school?
Drafting.
Well, you can do that sitting down.
Yeah, but who wants to hire a crip?
Someone who needs an expert draftsman.
I'll get your correspondence school
catalog.
In the meantime, stay away from used God
salesmen.
Charlotte, I must tell you something about
myself.
I am a divorcee.
No.
Yes, that kind of man.
Are you repulsed?
Well, this is 1953.
And what woman wouldn't want to be married
to you?
You're so intelligent.
Distinguished.
And one more thing.
Overweight.
That's nothing.
No, lonely.
I'm lonely, Charlotte.
May I call you Charlotte?
Charlotte.
You may.
Mike.
Charlotte, in the six years since my
marital dissolution fell apart,
I've had many opportunities for amorous
escapades.
But I have remained in all but the most
technical sense, pure.
You're a man of iron will.
I have an ideal in mind, Charlotte.
A woman.
One woman.
Wholesome.
Fulsome.
And yet subservient.
A woman to be General Pershing's first
lady.
I'm flattered by your interest in me,
honestly.
But it's only been four months.
Since what?
Since my husband died.
Oh, yeah, so?
I'm just not ready to get involved yet.
The timing isn't right.
Can you understand that?
Of course.
Good.
Actually, now that I think about it,
I really am very busy.
What with my myriad hospital duties, horseshoe
pitching club, Chinese checkers on alternate Thursdays.
I really haven't got a moment to call my
own, let alone yours.
It just wouldn't work.
No, it wouldn't.
Oh.
Excuse me.
I'm crazy.
Who cares?
No, you gotta let me into your mental
ward.
I don't have a mental ward.
Okay, okay, orthopedics.
Look, I tell you, I need your help.
My whole life is falling apart.
I'm cracking at the seams.
Join the crowd.
No, don't you hear me?
I'm demented, deranged, wacko,
bonkers.
Who are you trying to kid, kid?
A real rubber room Canada doesn't have to
be let in the hospital.
If a real loon wanted to get in the
hospital, he'd just
get in his car and drive right through the
wall and into the hospital.
Oh, that's beautiful.
Wally!
Wally, can you hear me?
It's Hal!
Mom sent her best!
Will you shut up, you lubbock?
What's the use?
Mr. Purcell, don't go!
Visiting hours are just beginning.
Wally!
You didn't know we offered takeout
service, did you?
Oh, hey, hi.
Wally!
How you doing, Wally?
Well, I'm better now, Hal.
How did you do it?
He couldn't be moved.
Dr. Potter, I figured it would do Wally
more good than harm.
I think he was right.
What the hell?
Watch out!
He's gonna need a new car.
Don't go away.
We'll be right back.
Two chandeliers in the VFW hospitality
booth and all of my future.
It'll be all right, sir.
All right.
Alma and HQ find out about this, they're gonna
chew my hiney and ship the rest of me to Nome.
Not a chance, sir.
I'll handle all the paperwork personally.
And I guarantee you the words Mike D 'Angelo and
monumental screw-up will never occur on the same page.
Can you really do that?
It's a pig pork.
You're wonderful, Alma.
I try to be.
All this time, I've taken you for granted.
Never realizing what you really meant to
me.
What is that, sir?
Everything.
You're everything to me, Alma.
I'm the luckiest man in the world to have
you.
Oh, sir.
Now, if I could only find a woman.
Chiefs continues when Brad Davis becomes
police chief in 1945 and traps Delano
between deadly bigotry and the haunting
mystery of Chiefs.
Tomorrow.
Later on tonight on Emerald
Point N.A.S., Hillary receives
a blackmail threat and Celia
must make a difficult decision.
But first, will Joanna get the last word when
she doesn't get the lead in an original play?
On New Heart, next.