Best Medicine (2026) s01e08 Episode Script
The Bogfather
1
Don't even think about it.
Don't even.
Ow.
No. What No!
No. Leave it!
Greetings, young Port Wennians!
- Hello!
- It is our honor
Nay, our duty to help you learn
about our town's history
through our eyes.
Let's travel back
to the year 1757.
I'm Roderick, the bog harvester.
Each day,
I cut peats into bricks
for the townspeople
to cook their food.
Peat also makes
an excellent camouflage.
But the bog is not
just for food and fuel.
It's also for love.
Ooh!
Our town leader
Archibald "No Nose" Wenn
proposed to Annabelle Ross
while gathering peat.
Yes, it is I,
Archibald "No Nose" Wenn,
many moons ago,
I declared my undying love
to the woman
of my dreams right here
in this very bog.
Yes. Huh
My beloved and I
lived happily married
for 37 years
growing a family with
a bunch of nice little kids.
And being the very heart
and soul of Port
- I'm sorry. Sorry.
- Oh!
What brings you back in?
My pickleball tourney's
this weekend,
and my elbow's still killing me.
Have you been doing
the physical therapy exercises
- I gave you?
- No.
- They were so boring.
- And so are patients
who don't listen to me.
And yet, I keep at it every day.
How's the urinary flow?
It's still just a dribble.
I hear the young guys
in the urinals
next to me peeing
like race horses.
Have you been doing
the Kegel exercises
we discussed?
It's very simple.
You just imagine your penis
is a straw.
- You just
- Kegel? For me?
- Mm-hmm.
- Well, that's just too much.
It's too much.
My wife gives me food,
now you want me to do Kegels?
Let me guess.
You still have lice.
Why else would I be here?
And no, you can't make me
shave my head.
This hair is my signature look.
I never suggested
you shave your head.
I told you to use
permethrin shampoo.
Oh, okay.
Wait, what?
Show of hands!
How many people are here
to complain about
something I've already
seen them for?
And how many of you actually
done the thing
I asked you to do?
Great. And who's next to
waste my time? Elaine?
Oh, Hi, Doc.
Elaine, uh, s-she
Unless that sentence ends
with "saving a life,"
stop talking.
Best here.
A what?
Drop me a pin.
I know it's so exciting, but
Louisa.
Oh. Here, get on the bus.
- Martin, hi.
- Are you all right?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, we're okay.
I mean, you know, except for
the dead guy that Mark found
- in the bog.
- I heard.
- Well, why was Mark in a bog?
- Martin.
Shame you're visiting our bog
under such grim circumstances.
You went in, too?
Are you aware that bogs
are a natural incubator
for gangrene?
No, it's fine.
We do this every year.
And besides,
no one's lost a toe yet.
That's right
Doc, you made it.
Big day for Port Wenn.
Our very first mystery corpse.
It's kind of a big milestone,
if you really think about it.
Mm. Yeah, and I'm still
trying to figure out
why you needed me here.
No one's hurt.
Right. Things are going
fast and furious.
The medical examiner's
on her honeymoon.
So she deputized you
to run point
- on the forensic investigation.
- Why, absolutely not.
No, I'm not a coroner,
and I have
a full afternoon of patients.
Oh. Well, if you want to move
my bloodletting to tomorrow
I'm not clearing my schedule
for an autopsy, okay?
My job is to take care
of living bodies,
- not dead ones.
- Right.
But today,
the law says that it is.
The medical examiner needs us
to ID the body,
collect DNA and figure out
cause of death.
She also said
something else, too.
That was very important.
Okay.
How-how about tomorrow
first thing?
Oh, yeah.
That'll be fun.
I mean, fine.
It'll be fine.
Yeah, that's totally fine.
Okay, see you later.
Hey, Doc, where do you want me
to drop off the dead guy?
Oh, right.
That was the important thing.
Okay, so we have to store
the body for a few days.
Figured we'd just use the
old doc's office, blast the AC.
Mm-mm. Mm-mm.
Unless he has an appointment,
he's not coming in,
and it's not nearly cold enough.
Okay, so what are
we looking for then?
Somewhere refrigerated,
big enough to conduct
an autopsy.
Whatever you say, Doc.
- Whatever you say, Doc.
- Whatever you say, Doc.
Hmm.
Okay.
Yeah, I got it.
Yeah, I got it.
Okay, here we go.
Yep. Yep.
We got it. Okay.
Appreciate you lending us
the walk-in.
Yeah.
It's the least we could do.
Oh, I hope the feet
don't break off.
Nope. If I just
Watch it, watch it, watch it.
We almost get shut down
by the health department
over our sweet little brisket.
And now we're emptying out
our walk-in for a dead body.
Greg, don't be heartless.
This man deserves a proper
Port Wenn welcome, dead or not.
Besides, Martin's not
gonna snitch again!
Ooh.
Looks like a haunted potato.
Be sure to add that
to the autopsy report.
A puncture wound.
About the size of a bullet.
Just like the guy I saw
outside Danceteria in '82.
Oh, I love your wild days.
Is that when Madonna
stole your cab?
Please, when didn't
Madonna steal my cab?
No one comes in
this room without me
or Sheriff Mylow.
Understood?
- Why, Doc?
- Doc's right.
We got to lock it down.
- Not here.
- Oh, no.
Hey there, guys,
what's happening?
This man may have been murdered.
Tell us, has there been
a murder in Port Wenn?
Is there a killer on the loose?
- Are we even safe?
- Are we in danger?
Who got shot?
Everyone, please stay calm!
Everyone, please stay calm.
As sheriff, it's my duty
to protect Port Wenn
and to keep it real.
We found a bullet hole
in the dead dude.
Yes, it might be murder.
- Unbelievable.
- What?
It's scary, but don't worry,
I've organized
Port Wenn's first ever
neighborhood watch,
and I've nominated Sarah
to lead it.
And, of course,
our very own Dr. Martin Best
is gonna lead
the forensic investigation.
So if you have any questions
or leads,
please feel free to come
to either one of us, okay?
Questions.
Yeah, buddy.
Who's the prime suspect?
Got any leads?
It's still early days.
Figures.
Incompetence everywhere.
What should we do?
I put a lot of thought
into that. Doc?
You all want to stay alive?
Oh, yes.
Of course. Of course.
Then do your physical therapy.
And, Ronnie, take your insulin.
You're gonna end up like
that guy in the fridge.
Come on, Ronnie.
Every single one of you.
More dietary fiber.
Wait a minute.
Who is the dead guy?
Elaine, slow down.
I'm going out to do the autopsy.
Move Louisa to the morning,
reschedule the rest
of my patients.
- Can you handle that?
- Yes.
Yes, yeah, totally.
But, Doc, a murder in Port Wenn?
It's like we're living in
our own crime show.
Hey, don't tell anyone, but
I'm very excited.
I've always wanted
a real crime to solve,
so I can be taken seriously.
You know, not just
the guy who comes
and gets the owl
out of your attic.
Okay.
You just seal up that bag.
And what's left?
- Tissue sample.
- Right.
Okay.
- Now.
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
Hmm, thought there'd be
some blood.
Blood coagulates after death.
So, why is it so squishy?
Because of the bog water.
Cold, acidic, low oxygen
preserves tissue,
but not blood flow.
Oh, so it's like working
on a live body,
but without any of the blood?
Exactly.
So, when do you think he died?
That is a good question,
my friend.
He could have died weeks ago,
months ago, or even years ago.
That really opens up the pool of
potential victims.
- Mm-hmm.
- And suspects.
Oh
Okay, time in bog, TBD.
Uh, male, height 5'10",
no tattoos, red hair.
Nah.
Well, maybe.
Okay, hang tight, Doc.
I got to go
I got to go detective
something real quick.
Sure.
I'll just be done in a second.
Greg!
Get it together, Greg.
Sorry.
Hold on, hold on,
hold on, hold on.
Is that Josephine Alcott's car
in Ronnie Winslow's driveway?
Wow.
The dust hasn't even settled
on his poor wife's grave.
I don't think the casseroles
are the only things
she's been cooking up.
Casserole in the hay.
A dead body was found
in the bog.
Come on, people, think.
Who's our John Doe?
And who do we like for this?
Port Wenn isn't just the best
place for lobster rolls.
It's a town full of secrets.
Stay tuned.
I'm Detective Elaine Denton,
and this is Claw and Order, BOG.
Duh-duh!
Yeah. Yeah!
Elaine, you're, you're
pretty good at this.
Really.
And that jacket is really hot.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah, I really like it.
Oh, hi. Hi, Doc.
Uh, we were, we were just
Uh
Carry on.
Wait a minute.
What's the scoop?
Who's the dead guy
and how did he die?
Not sure yet.
Still working on it.
- You two have a good night.
- Well, wait. What
What is that?
Were you actually
in a good mood?
Why wouldn't I be?
Finally, I have a patient
who doesn't talk back.
You did this?
Uh yeah.
Yeah.
It's pretty neat, right?
Hmm, if only you were this good
at your real job.
Night.
It's scarier when he's nice.
What's wrong with Geneva?
We don't know for sure,
but we think the body
that we found
- might be Bruce.
- Aah.
Same height, red hair,
and he may have been shot.
Oh, my goodness, my Brucey?
I know this is a lot to take in.
When was the last time
you saw him?
Thanksgiving.
A few years ago.
You know that.
Everyone knows that.
Sure. But you never told us
where he went or why he left.
Yeah, I didn't want
to talk about it then,
and I sure don't want
to talk about it now.
I know.
What's going on here?
Official police business.
Well, I'm
the neighborhood watch,
and she's my best friend.
What's going on?
I don't want you to faint
when I tell you this.
Just spit it out, Mark.
We might have found
Bruce's body.
- In the bog?
- Mm-hmm.
Geneva, do you think
that might be possible?
Yes.
I did it.
I killed Brucey.
What?
Yup, I shot my husband
and I chucked him in the bog.
Okay, okay.
I think I'm gonna need a minute.
Wait, wait.
Come on.
Do your job. Lock me up.
What?
History.
In an autopsy
I'm busy, Elaine.
Oh, it's, it's Louisa.
- Hey.
- Louisa. Right.
- Yeah. Uh-huh.
- Your-your appointment.
How-how are you?
Um, I'm a little nervous.
- Me too.
- You are?
No, I'm sorry.
I don't know why I said that.
- Oh. Okay.
- Of course not.
Bloodletting is
an easy procedure.
- Oh, good.
- Just
Elaine didn't come in with you?
- She's late.
- I, uh She, um
She stopped at the Salty Breeze
that she needed her Danish fix.
Oh, good, good.
I paid for work
to get in the way
of her breakfast treats.
How-how long should
this take, you think?
It's just, I-I should probably
get to school soon.
Right. I'll just find
a needle.
Finding a needle.
So how's, uh
- How's school?
- Busy.
I'm-I'm helping
Principal Holloway
with budget cuts.
You know, I'm rationing out
glue sticks
and pricing out pencils, and
Let's do this.
- Right.
- Yeah.
- Okay. I'll just
- Oh, yeah.
- Hmm. Just
- Mm-hmm.
- Make a fist.
- All right.
Is, is something wrong?
- Yes. You, well
- Me?
Very thin.
- Oh.
- Your veins are very thin.
I'm-I'm
gonna need you to come back
when you're more hydrated.
Oh, my gosh.
Dr. Reese always loved
my veins, so
Yeah. Well, then, Dr. Reese
will have to come back
from the dead
and draw your blood.
No, no, no.
That's not what I mean.
I just, I just don't think
I can keep rescheduling.
Hello.
What?
Are you kidding?
I'll be right there.
What-what's going on now?
Mark.
He arrested Geneva.
H-have Elaine reschedule.
All right, you weirdos.
Five bucks, five minutes.
And keep it down,
and don't touch it!
Oh, my God.
Look at his feet.
Want to get a pic?
Uh, uh, photos are
five bucks extra.
- Extra?
- Per person.
- Okay, boomer.
- Tell all your friends.
Ready?
Geneva, walk us through it.
How'd you do it? What gun?
Mark, if I keep answering
your questions,
I'll never finish this row.
And I told you already.
At home
with Bruce's hunting rifle,
and then I tossed him
in the bog.
You really tossed a 200-pound
man into a bog on your own?
- I used my core.
- Geneva.
How am I supposed
to tell my mom this?
This is gonna kill her.
What else have you been
lying about?
Your goldfish didn't run away.
Wait, he didn't join
a rock band?
Mark, better not to know.
You and my mom told me
that he was in
a band called
Cutie and the Goldfish.
This is just, like, so much
for me to take in right now.
I'm I'm just
I never could understand
how he got into law enforcement.
Yeah, me either.
Geneva, I-I need to know more
about Bruce's medical history
in order to confirm
his identity.
Did he have any tattoos?
Identifying marks?
Surgeries perhaps?
Well, he, he didn't have
a spleen,
or a gallbladder,
or an appendix.
You know, one of those organs
you don't really need.
That's a start.
I still can't believe it.
Geneva! It's not possible.
I mean, she was always cagey
about why Bruce left.
Never gave a straight answer.
Just one day, he was gone.
Yes, you can sleep next
to someone for 20 years
and not have a clue
what they're capable of.
I saw Cher without you once.
Once.
It was the farewell tour.
Exactly.
It was the farewell tour.
I have to film a new episode.
This is big news.
This is big news.
Also, these might be
your best yet.
What kind of cheese did you use?
If I told you
- I'd have to kill you.
- I'd have to kill you.
Yeah, we can't say that anymore.
It's different now.
The truth has clawed
its way to the surface.
The Port Wenn killer
has been caught,
and it's always the ones
you least expect.
Until next time,
Detective Denton,
Claw and Order, BOG.
Duh-duh!
So good.
But, why'd she do it?
Doesn't matter.
Case closed.
Your detective work sucks.
Hey, do not sass
my girlfriend, okay?
And-and-and show some respect
for law enforcement.
"Girlfriend?"
- Yeah, I, well
- Al, we've been over this.
We're frisky friends.
That's it.
Finally,
it's getting interesting.
You know what?
Fine.
Get yourself a new cameraman.
And-and-and another
frisky friend.
Hey! What's a frisky friend?
Uh
Five bucks, five minutes a pop.
Quick and quiet, okay?
Bert? Really?
Are you charging to see
the dead body?
This is a tragedy,
not a carnival sideshow.
I'm just trying to make
an honest dollar.
Have you no shame?
The world today.
Hell in a hand basket.
I'm disappointed in all of you.
I take care of George.
- You cut me in?
- Deal.
Sheriff Mark, cheese it.
It's like, it's like,
first Bruce,
and then it's my goldfish.
What else is Geneva
hiding from me, you know?
Just to be clear,
you actually thought
a goldfish could sing?
Well, I had a dog
who could read my mind. So
Anyway, we don't even know
if this is Bruce
or just Geneva having some
sort of geriatric delusion.
Did you bring your flashlight?
Of course, Doc.
I never leave home without it.
Where are we going?
Just shine it right
above the abdomen.
So I checked with
Dr. Reese's files
and Bruce had a cholecystectomy.
So if this body
doesn't have a gallbladder,
it's likely Bruce.
How'd you do this
for a living, Doc?
Best job in the world.
You seem different, man.
I don't know.
You seem, like, more cheerful.
You're starting to make me
a little uncomfortable.
I'm just enjoying the work.
It's not a crime.
Thank goodness,
'cause it would have killed me
to have to arrest you too, Doc.
I knew it.
This isn't Bruce.
Oh?
We always wondered
what happened between
the two of you.
You were so secretive
after he, uh, left town.
But we didn't think
you'd killed him.
It was this darn cable stitch.
And now, the whole town knows
that you're not just
a cake baking sweetheart,
you're a cold-blooded
husband killer
who's gonna spend the rest
of her life in prison.
I'm gonna have
to redo this whole row.
Geneva Larson,
you've never botched
a cable stitch in your life.
All right.
I didn't kill Brucey.
Then why did you
turn yourself in?
Because I'd rather rot in here
than have everyone
know the truth.
What's worse than
a murder charge?
That Thanksgiving
when, when Bruce left,
he left with my sister.
Bonnie?
Well, it's always
the ones you don't expect.
I haven't spoken to either
of them since.
Two people I love most
in the world,
they chose each other
and left me
with cold turkey
and a broken heart.
But the truth
I-I really don't want
to admit is that I am old, alone
and not loved.
Oh, Geneva, don't be crazy.
We all love you, and we're
not going anywhere, okay?
And, you know, everybody
has a secret or two.
You know what I just saw?
Josephine and
Ronnie going after each other
like dogs in heat.
- Really?
- Hmm.
She's sure was baking
a lot of casseroles.
Now we know why.
What do you mean it's not Bruce?
Bruce doesn't have
a gallbladder.
This body does.
Wait.
Wait a second.
Can you shine your light
more over here?
Yeah.
What was a marble
doing in there?
I think this body was in the bog
a lot longer than we thought.
Good eye, Martin,
it's a musket ball.
18th century.
This might be
an early Port Wennian,
like Jeremiah or Roderick, or
nay, Archibald "No Nose" Wenn.
This cadaver was centuries old.
We discovered a Bog Man
on this side of the Atlantic.
I mean, that's the headline.
This is incredible.
Wow.
This case just took a turn.
We have a lot of work to do.
What for?
The investigation is over.
This is now
a scientific discovery.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Not so fast.
This is still a homicide.
Four-hundred-year-old murder.
- It's my first cold case.
- Mark is right.
I would like to know who killed
this early Port Wennian, too.
It's part of our, what?
- History.
- History, Doc.
Fine. As long as you
leave me out of it.
Knock yourselves out.
I have to make a call.
Don't worry about nothing, Doc.
- You know I got this.
- Thanks, partner.
Geneva didn't do it.
Sorry, Jessica Fletcher.
That's old news.
- What?
- Hi, Norman.
- It's Dr. Martin Best.
- Look at this.
Yes.
Yes, it's been a while.
Listen, I-I need a favor.
- I was wondering
- What's all the hubbub?
Geneva didn't kill Bruce.
The dead body might be
an early Port Wennian!
I'm so excited!
- Wait, there's no murder?
- No mystery?
It's a cold case,
straight out of the freezer,
right onto the grill.
How are we gonna load
these shirts?
An ancient murder
is still a murder!
Hey, what are you
two whispering about?
Repairs.
Come on, Bert, let's go
- Tighten the hinge.
- The loose Yeah, the hinge.
Great. All right.
Thanks, Norman.
I-I'll send those peat samples
over to the lab right away.
Okay, got it.
I'll-I'll ask. Bye.
Can I have everyone's attention?
Hello.
Excuse me.
Who wants to make
a thousand dollars?
Mm. Well, at least
you're predictable.
I just got off the phone
with a colleague,
a forensic anthropologist
from Harvard.
Yeah, get on with it.
- We know you went to Harvard.
- Go Crimson!
We just discovered
a rare Bog Man
who could be hundreds
of years old.
It's a once-in-a-lifetime
opportunity to study taphonomy
Jump to the part
where we get paid.
Right. Researchers want
to do DNA testing
to identify
any living relatives,
and they'll pay a thousand
dollars per confirmed match.
So what do we do?
Just pile in a van?
Go down to Boston?
Nope. I'll open
my office for anyone
who wants to do genetic testing.
Who's interested?
Great.
Elaine will coordinate
DNA collection.
Absolutely.
Detective Elaine Denton here.
Mystery is not over yet.
Who's the old dead dude?
Was he still murdered?
And most importantly,
who here in Port Wenn
has found their bog daddy,
their bog grampy, Bogfather?
That's it.
Only time and some
DNA samples will tell.
Need a new frisky friend
for your show?
- I'm good with mysteries.
- Ew, definitely no.
Don't say that.
But I do need a new cameraman.
Let's talk.
See, that's how they get you.
One day, they take your DNA.
The next day,
you're in a police lineup
- for car theft in Kalamazoo.
- Come on, Dad.
You-you love a chance
to make some quick cash.
Money's not that important.
Meet you out back
for a peek at the Bog Man.
Okay. All right.
See. Come on.
I know you too well.
We should, we should do it.
Your DNA leads to my DNA,
and I can't risk it.
So don't do it.
Glad you came in voluntarily,
Gilbert.
I'd hate to have
to subpoena you.
I don't know what
you're talking about,
but you're making me
very nervous.
In a small town,
everybody's hiding something.
I'm Detective Elaine Denton.
Stay tuned for the next
episode of Claw and Order.
The Bogfather.
Kinda stiff on that take.
Yeah, I got a better one in me.
New cameraman already?
- That's fast.
- That's show business.
If my dad asked if I came in,
don't tell him, okay?
He's been really weird
about that stuff.
Not a problem.
It's like you're not even here.
It's like you're not even here.
I'm gonna shoot this.
Lots of unspoken tension.
- Can it, Cronk.
- Yeah, Cronk.
I promise, I have been
pounding water
all day today like it's my job.
We'll see if your veins agree.
We'll be removing a pint
to lower your ferritin levels.
Should take about half hour.
Make a fist.
I'm glad we got this in today.
This morning,
you seemed very, uh
Pass the needle.
Wait. What?
Oh, this is just how we do it.
It's perfectly normal.
It's textbook normal.
Did I do something wrong?
Offend you somehow?
- What?
- I don't know.
It just feels like
you can't stand
being in the same room
with me anymore.
You know what?
I-I don't have the time
to deal with the emotional
insecurities of every patient.
I-I have to collect
peat samples.
- Excuse me?
- What?
What? I have important research
to do and I'm running late.
You know, it's funny, um
This is the most engaged
I have ever seen you.
And it's over a corpse.
Yes.
And you want to know why?
Because unlike humans,
corpses don't talk back.
They-they don't tease,
they don't gossip.
Their tender little feelings
don't get hurt.
They aren't a constant tsunami
of needs and opinions.
And, at least with a corpse,
I won't be surprised when
it doesn't listen to me.
I knew it.
I never thought you were
a right fit for Port Wenn
and now you're proving me right.
What did you just do?
- I have to go.
- Where?
Somewhere I can be alone.
What does that mean?
No!
- Two.
- Two.
It was good, right?
Oh, so creepy.
Oh, my God, there's a hair.
The Bog Man.
Tell your friend.
Hey, right you here, ladies.
Right in there.
Honey, I'm looking for the ma
Greg Garrison,
you are not doing
what I think you're doing.
Do not judge me until
you see the electric bill.
That is dirty money.
Costs are up, margins are down.
So every dirty dollar helps.
- I'd show you the spreadsheet.
- No, no, no, no.
I'm just gonna get
a raging headache.
Well, I try to protect you,
my love.
I know you hate to see me
bogged down by details.
- Oh.
- Okay
Hey, you make enough
to fix the oven light?
Yes, and perhaps enough to
splurge on name-brand mayo.
Greg, you're such a tease.
Mm.
Two more.
- Hey, Miss Dana.
- It was good, right?
Tell your friends.
Tell your friends.
- Any words from Harvard?
- Not yet.
Oh, the DNA lab
sent a couple flags
from the genetic screenings.
Can you have Al come in?
Al? Do I have to?
What do you think, detective?
Hey, thanks, Greg.
- Thanks, my love.
- How's it going, guys?
A lot of dead ends,
no pun intended.
Whoa, wait. Check this.
"Battle of Machias,
fought in Maine during
the Revolutionary War.
Musket balls, 18th century."
- It lines up.
- Strong working theory, George.
Adding it to the list.
Glad you're having fun.
But we open in five.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Go on ahead without me.
Last time I let him near
The History Channel.
So the DNA testing shows
you have genetic markers
for Marfan Syndrome.
What? Am-am I okay?
Absolutely.
You're gonna be fine.
No, it's, it's a connective
tissue disorder.
Now, while it can be serious,
your signs are
the manageable ones.
Uh, you're just tall, thin,
flexible joints,
nearsightedness.
You wear corrective lenses,
right?
- Yeah.
- Listen.
It's a good thing
you took the DNA test.
Now we know, so we
can keep an eye on it.
But again, there's absolutely
nothing to worry about here.
Okay? See you at
your annual physical.
Wait, Doc, um, you said
it's genetic.
Correct.
And is that from
my mom's side or my dad's?
In this case,
from your father's side.
Okay, well,
he's built like a truck,
and he's got perfect vision.
Yes.
So does that mean
my dad is not my dad?
Al, look
Family isn't just genetics.
You guys.
The Bog Man results are here.
This is gonna be so exciting.
We'll read it out
at the Salty Breeze.
It'll be so fun, and really
good content for my show.
So, Al, maybe we should just
What happened?
- Is he okay?
- You'll have to ask him.
Al! Al, wait!
What are you
Come on, Al!
Just leave it, Elaine.
It's such a great photograph.
Oh, this so exciting.
- Martin.
- Louisa.
What was that about?
Doctor-patient confidentiality.
You just can't help
being a jackass, can you?
Dear Port Wennians,
we gather to honor history
and the miracle of DNA testing.
May I have ye old envelope?
Oh, can I get
a drum roll please?
And the results are
Harvard has confirmed
there was one living descendant
of the Port Wenn Bog Man.
And that person is
Oh, snap.
Martin Best?
You're-you're kidding.
It's-it's Martin?
What about Aunt Sarah?
It just says your name.
Must be on your mother's side.
But I-I didn't submit DNA.
I may have borrowed some hairs
from your hair brush.
Elaine, that's a complete
violation of privacy,
not to mention illegal
on several levels.
Oh, Martin, come on,
and face it.
This town's in your blood.
It's a good thing we didn't
send in our DNA, huh?
You all right, kiddo?
Yeah, Dad.
Glad we didn't.
Based on historical records,
Harvard believes
that the Bog Man
is a man who might be
named James Brewster!
- I know that name.
- Yeah.
- You just said James Brewster.
- I did.
I know that name.
I know that name. Hold on.
Okay, wait.
Yeah, okay.
Right here.
In "No Nose" Wenn's journal,
he wrote,
"The 17th of June, 1759.
This day ended in trouble
with a fray
betwixt James Brewster
and our good townsman.
A notorious recluse,
Brewster mainly keeps to
himself in a dreary shack
by the bog, yet always
finds cause to quarrel
whenever he can."
Yeah, he sounds like
he's related to Martin.
Yeah, this sounds like Doc.
Martin.
Wait, wait.
Okay, wait. There's more.
"Apparently, a lot of people
wanted him dead.
So much so that
Archibald "No Nose" Wenn
challenged Brewster to
a duel and killed him.
Whoa.
Wow, I think I just found
the Bog Man's killer.
I think we just solved the case!
I think we just solved the case!
You know, right?
Hey.
What is going on with you?
Are you going to die?
Because if you're going to die,
that's gonna make me
want to die.
And I'm really too young
and too cute to die.
No, I'm not gonna die.
I'm sorry if I, if I scare you.
Okay, so then what did
Martin tell you?
Um, he said I'm,
uh, double jointed.
That's it?
Look
I'm sorry
that I called you
my frisky friend.
I didn't mean that.
I mean, I did mean that.
But when I thought that
you were going to die, it just,
it made me realize that you are
more than just
some frisky friends.
So are you my girlfriend
or-or no?
Yes.
- Yeah?
- Fine.
- Okay.
- I'm your girlfriend.
Evenin', Bog Man.
Good night, Dr. Bog Man.
Uh, watch out, it's the Bog Man!
Stop.
That's, like, so sad.
We always knew
he was the saddest man alive,
and now it's like facts.
Come on.
Martin, Martin.
Are-are you okay?
I'm-I'm here to apologize.
- Oh.
- The way I spoke to you
at my office, it was wrong.
Have a good night.
Wait, uh
That's it?
- That's your apology?
- I'm not sure what else to say.
Why-why can't you
just talk to me?
I mean, tell me what
What's going on with you?
I
have a hard time
with
blood phobia.
Oh.
About blood.
A blood phobia, if you will.
Okay, um
Wow, um
This-this entire time?
Huh. But you're a doctor.
A surgeon who can't stand
the sight of blood.
I came here hoping
that I could still
practice medicine.
It's proven harder to do
than I thought.
That's why Elaine assists me
and why I act like
a lunatic every time
I try to take your blood.
I see it.
So, why tell me now?
I
I don't want to be the Bog Man.
Well your dog seems
to love you.
He's not my dog.
He sure seems like your dog.
Don't even think about it.
Don't even.
Ow.
No. What No!
No. Leave it!
Greetings, young Port Wennians!
- Hello!
- It is our honor
Nay, our duty to help you learn
about our town's history
through our eyes.
Let's travel back
to the year 1757.
I'm Roderick, the bog harvester.
Each day,
I cut peats into bricks
for the townspeople
to cook their food.
Peat also makes
an excellent camouflage.
But the bog is not
just for food and fuel.
It's also for love.
Ooh!
Our town leader
Archibald "No Nose" Wenn
proposed to Annabelle Ross
while gathering peat.
Yes, it is I,
Archibald "No Nose" Wenn,
many moons ago,
I declared my undying love
to the woman
of my dreams right here
in this very bog.
Yes. Huh
My beloved and I
lived happily married
for 37 years
growing a family with
a bunch of nice little kids.
And being the very heart
and soul of Port
- I'm sorry. Sorry.
- Oh!
What brings you back in?
My pickleball tourney's
this weekend,
and my elbow's still killing me.
Have you been doing
the physical therapy exercises
- I gave you?
- No.
- They were so boring.
- And so are patients
who don't listen to me.
And yet, I keep at it every day.
How's the urinary flow?
It's still just a dribble.
I hear the young guys
in the urinals
next to me peeing
like race horses.
Have you been doing
the Kegel exercises
we discussed?
It's very simple.
You just imagine your penis
is a straw.
- You just
- Kegel? For me?
- Mm-hmm.
- Well, that's just too much.
It's too much.
My wife gives me food,
now you want me to do Kegels?
Let me guess.
You still have lice.
Why else would I be here?
And no, you can't make me
shave my head.
This hair is my signature look.
I never suggested
you shave your head.
I told you to use
permethrin shampoo.
Oh, okay.
Wait, what?
Show of hands!
How many people are here
to complain about
something I've already
seen them for?
And how many of you actually
done the thing
I asked you to do?
Great. And who's next to
waste my time? Elaine?
Oh, Hi, Doc.
Elaine, uh, s-she
Unless that sentence ends
with "saving a life,"
stop talking.
Best here.
A what?
Drop me a pin.
I know it's so exciting, but
Louisa.
Oh. Here, get on the bus.
- Martin, hi.
- Are you all right?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, we're okay.
I mean, you know, except for
the dead guy that Mark found
- in the bog.
- I heard.
- Well, why was Mark in a bog?
- Martin.
Shame you're visiting our bog
under such grim circumstances.
You went in, too?
Are you aware that bogs
are a natural incubator
for gangrene?
No, it's fine.
We do this every year.
And besides,
no one's lost a toe yet.
That's right
Doc, you made it.
Big day for Port Wenn.
Our very first mystery corpse.
It's kind of a big milestone,
if you really think about it.
Mm. Yeah, and I'm still
trying to figure out
why you needed me here.
No one's hurt.
Right. Things are going
fast and furious.
The medical examiner's
on her honeymoon.
So she deputized you
to run point
- on the forensic investigation.
- Why, absolutely not.
No, I'm not a coroner,
and I have
a full afternoon of patients.
Oh. Well, if you want to move
my bloodletting to tomorrow
I'm not clearing my schedule
for an autopsy, okay?
My job is to take care
of living bodies,
- not dead ones.
- Right.
But today,
the law says that it is.
The medical examiner needs us
to ID the body,
collect DNA and figure out
cause of death.
She also said
something else, too.
That was very important.
Okay.
How-how about tomorrow
first thing?
Oh, yeah.
That'll be fun.
I mean, fine.
It'll be fine.
Yeah, that's totally fine.
Okay, see you later.
Hey, Doc, where do you want me
to drop off the dead guy?
Oh, right.
That was the important thing.
Okay, so we have to store
the body for a few days.
Figured we'd just use the
old doc's office, blast the AC.
Mm-mm. Mm-mm.
Unless he has an appointment,
he's not coming in,
and it's not nearly cold enough.
Okay, so what are
we looking for then?
Somewhere refrigerated,
big enough to conduct
an autopsy.
Whatever you say, Doc.
- Whatever you say, Doc.
- Whatever you say, Doc.
Hmm.
Okay.
Yeah, I got it.
Yeah, I got it.
Okay, here we go.
Yep. Yep.
We got it. Okay.
Appreciate you lending us
the walk-in.
Yeah.
It's the least we could do.
Oh, I hope the feet
don't break off.
Nope. If I just
Watch it, watch it, watch it.
We almost get shut down
by the health department
over our sweet little brisket.
And now we're emptying out
our walk-in for a dead body.
Greg, don't be heartless.
This man deserves a proper
Port Wenn welcome, dead or not.
Besides, Martin's not
gonna snitch again!
Ooh.
Looks like a haunted potato.
Be sure to add that
to the autopsy report.
A puncture wound.
About the size of a bullet.
Just like the guy I saw
outside Danceteria in '82.
Oh, I love your wild days.
Is that when Madonna
stole your cab?
Please, when didn't
Madonna steal my cab?
No one comes in
this room without me
or Sheriff Mylow.
Understood?
- Why, Doc?
- Doc's right.
We got to lock it down.
- Not here.
- Oh, no.
Hey there, guys,
what's happening?
This man may have been murdered.
Tell us, has there been
a murder in Port Wenn?
Is there a killer on the loose?
- Are we even safe?
- Are we in danger?
Who got shot?
Everyone, please stay calm!
Everyone, please stay calm.
As sheriff, it's my duty
to protect Port Wenn
and to keep it real.
We found a bullet hole
in the dead dude.
Yes, it might be murder.
- Unbelievable.
- What?
It's scary, but don't worry,
I've organized
Port Wenn's first ever
neighborhood watch,
and I've nominated Sarah
to lead it.
And, of course,
our very own Dr. Martin Best
is gonna lead
the forensic investigation.
So if you have any questions
or leads,
please feel free to come
to either one of us, okay?
Questions.
Yeah, buddy.
Who's the prime suspect?
Got any leads?
It's still early days.
Figures.
Incompetence everywhere.
What should we do?
I put a lot of thought
into that. Doc?
You all want to stay alive?
Oh, yes.
Of course. Of course.
Then do your physical therapy.
And, Ronnie, take your insulin.
You're gonna end up like
that guy in the fridge.
Come on, Ronnie.
Every single one of you.
More dietary fiber.
Wait a minute.
Who is the dead guy?
Elaine, slow down.
I'm going out to do the autopsy.
Move Louisa to the morning,
reschedule the rest
of my patients.
- Can you handle that?
- Yes.
Yes, yeah, totally.
But, Doc, a murder in Port Wenn?
It's like we're living in
our own crime show.
Hey, don't tell anyone, but
I'm very excited.
I've always wanted
a real crime to solve,
so I can be taken seriously.
You know, not just
the guy who comes
and gets the owl
out of your attic.
Okay.
You just seal up that bag.
And what's left?
- Tissue sample.
- Right.
Okay.
- Now.
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
Hmm, thought there'd be
some blood.
Blood coagulates after death.
So, why is it so squishy?
Because of the bog water.
Cold, acidic, low oxygen
preserves tissue,
but not blood flow.
Oh, so it's like working
on a live body,
but without any of the blood?
Exactly.
So, when do you think he died?
That is a good question,
my friend.
He could have died weeks ago,
months ago, or even years ago.
That really opens up the pool of
potential victims.
- Mm-hmm.
- And suspects.
Oh
Okay, time in bog, TBD.
Uh, male, height 5'10",
no tattoos, red hair.
Nah.
Well, maybe.
Okay, hang tight, Doc.
I got to go
I got to go detective
something real quick.
Sure.
I'll just be done in a second.
Greg!
Get it together, Greg.
Sorry.
Hold on, hold on,
hold on, hold on.
Is that Josephine Alcott's car
in Ronnie Winslow's driveway?
Wow.
The dust hasn't even settled
on his poor wife's grave.
I don't think the casseroles
are the only things
she's been cooking up.
Casserole in the hay.
A dead body was found
in the bog.
Come on, people, think.
Who's our John Doe?
And who do we like for this?
Port Wenn isn't just the best
place for lobster rolls.
It's a town full of secrets.
Stay tuned.
I'm Detective Elaine Denton,
and this is Claw and Order, BOG.
Duh-duh!
Yeah. Yeah!
Elaine, you're, you're
pretty good at this.
Really.
And that jacket is really hot.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah, I really like it.
Oh, hi. Hi, Doc.
Uh, we were, we were just
Uh
Carry on.
Wait a minute.
What's the scoop?
Who's the dead guy
and how did he die?
Not sure yet.
Still working on it.
- You two have a good night.
- Well, wait. What
What is that?
Were you actually
in a good mood?
Why wouldn't I be?
Finally, I have a patient
who doesn't talk back.
You did this?
Uh yeah.
Yeah.
It's pretty neat, right?
Hmm, if only you were this good
at your real job.
Night.
It's scarier when he's nice.
What's wrong with Geneva?
We don't know for sure,
but we think the body
that we found
- might be Bruce.
- Aah.
Same height, red hair,
and he may have been shot.
Oh, my goodness, my Brucey?
I know this is a lot to take in.
When was the last time
you saw him?
Thanksgiving.
A few years ago.
You know that.
Everyone knows that.
Sure. But you never told us
where he went or why he left.
Yeah, I didn't want
to talk about it then,
and I sure don't want
to talk about it now.
I know.
What's going on here?
Official police business.
Well, I'm
the neighborhood watch,
and she's my best friend.
What's going on?
I don't want you to faint
when I tell you this.
Just spit it out, Mark.
We might have found
Bruce's body.
- In the bog?
- Mm-hmm.
Geneva, do you think
that might be possible?
Yes.
I did it.
I killed Brucey.
What?
Yup, I shot my husband
and I chucked him in the bog.
Okay, okay.
I think I'm gonna need a minute.
Wait, wait.
Come on.
Do your job. Lock me up.
What?
History.
In an autopsy
I'm busy, Elaine.
Oh, it's, it's Louisa.
- Hey.
- Louisa. Right.
- Yeah. Uh-huh.
- Your-your appointment.
How-how are you?
Um, I'm a little nervous.
- Me too.
- You are?
No, I'm sorry.
I don't know why I said that.
- Oh. Okay.
- Of course not.
Bloodletting is
an easy procedure.
- Oh, good.
- Just
Elaine didn't come in with you?
- She's late.
- I, uh She, um
She stopped at the Salty Breeze
that she needed her Danish fix.
Oh, good, good.
I paid for work
to get in the way
of her breakfast treats.
How-how long should
this take, you think?
It's just, I-I should probably
get to school soon.
Right. I'll just find
a needle.
Finding a needle.
So how's, uh
- How's school?
- Busy.
I'm-I'm helping
Principal Holloway
with budget cuts.
You know, I'm rationing out
glue sticks
and pricing out pencils, and
Let's do this.
- Right.
- Yeah.
- Okay. I'll just
- Oh, yeah.
- Hmm. Just
- Mm-hmm.
- Make a fist.
- All right.
Is, is something wrong?
- Yes. You, well
- Me?
Very thin.
- Oh.
- Your veins are very thin.
I'm-I'm
gonna need you to come back
when you're more hydrated.
Oh, my gosh.
Dr. Reese always loved
my veins, so
Yeah. Well, then, Dr. Reese
will have to come back
from the dead
and draw your blood.
No, no, no.
That's not what I mean.
I just, I just don't think
I can keep rescheduling.
Hello.
What?
Are you kidding?
I'll be right there.
What-what's going on now?
Mark.
He arrested Geneva.
H-have Elaine reschedule.
All right, you weirdos.
Five bucks, five minutes.
And keep it down,
and don't touch it!
Oh, my God.
Look at his feet.
Want to get a pic?
Uh, uh, photos are
five bucks extra.
- Extra?
- Per person.
- Okay, boomer.
- Tell all your friends.
Ready?
Geneva, walk us through it.
How'd you do it? What gun?
Mark, if I keep answering
your questions,
I'll never finish this row.
And I told you already.
At home
with Bruce's hunting rifle,
and then I tossed him
in the bog.
You really tossed a 200-pound
man into a bog on your own?
- I used my core.
- Geneva.
How am I supposed
to tell my mom this?
This is gonna kill her.
What else have you been
lying about?
Your goldfish didn't run away.
Wait, he didn't join
a rock band?
Mark, better not to know.
You and my mom told me
that he was in
a band called
Cutie and the Goldfish.
This is just, like, so much
for me to take in right now.
I'm I'm just
I never could understand
how he got into law enforcement.
Yeah, me either.
Geneva, I-I need to know more
about Bruce's medical history
in order to confirm
his identity.
Did he have any tattoos?
Identifying marks?
Surgeries perhaps?
Well, he, he didn't have
a spleen,
or a gallbladder,
or an appendix.
You know, one of those organs
you don't really need.
That's a start.
I still can't believe it.
Geneva! It's not possible.
I mean, she was always cagey
about why Bruce left.
Never gave a straight answer.
Just one day, he was gone.
Yes, you can sleep next
to someone for 20 years
and not have a clue
what they're capable of.
I saw Cher without you once.
Once.
It was the farewell tour.
Exactly.
It was the farewell tour.
I have to film a new episode.
This is big news.
This is big news.
Also, these might be
your best yet.
What kind of cheese did you use?
If I told you
- I'd have to kill you.
- I'd have to kill you.
Yeah, we can't say that anymore.
It's different now.
The truth has clawed
its way to the surface.
The Port Wenn killer
has been caught,
and it's always the ones
you least expect.
Until next time,
Detective Denton,
Claw and Order, BOG.
Duh-duh!
So good.
But, why'd she do it?
Doesn't matter.
Case closed.
Your detective work sucks.
Hey, do not sass
my girlfriend, okay?
And-and-and show some respect
for law enforcement.
"Girlfriend?"
- Yeah, I, well
- Al, we've been over this.
We're frisky friends.
That's it.
Finally,
it's getting interesting.
You know what?
Fine.
Get yourself a new cameraman.
And-and-and another
frisky friend.
Hey! What's a frisky friend?
Uh
Five bucks, five minutes a pop.
Quick and quiet, okay?
Bert? Really?
Are you charging to see
the dead body?
This is a tragedy,
not a carnival sideshow.
I'm just trying to make
an honest dollar.
Have you no shame?
The world today.
Hell in a hand basket.
I'm disappointed in all of you.
I take care of George.
- You cut me in?
- Deal.
Sheriff Mark, cheese it.
It's like, it's like,
first Bruce,
and then it's my goldfish.
What else is Geneva
hiding from me, you know?
Just to be clear,
you actually thought
a goldfish could sing?
Well, I had a dog
who could read my mind. So
Anyway, we don't even know
if this is Bruce
or just Geneva having some
sort of geriatric delusion.
Did you bring your flashlight?
Of course, Doc.
I never leave home without it.
Where are we going?
Just shine it right
above the abdomen.
So I checked with
Dr. Reese's files
and Bruce had a cholecystectomy.
So if this body
doesn't have a gallbladder,
it's likely Bruce.
How'd you do this
for a living, Doc?
Best job in the world.
You seem different, man.
I don't know.
You seem, like, more cheerful.
You're starting to make me
a little uncomfortable.
I'm just enjoying the work.
It's not a crime.
Thank goodness,
'cause it would have killed me
to have to arrest you too, Doc.
I knew it.
This isn't Bruce.
Oh?
We always wondered
what happened between
the two of you.
You were so secretive
after he, uh, left town.
But we didn't think
you'd killed him.
It was this darn cable stitch.
And now, the whole town knows
that you're not just
a cake baking sweetheart,
you're a cold-blooded
husband killer
who's gonna spend the rest
of her life in prison.
I'm gonna have
to redo this whole row.
Geneva Larson,
you've never botched
a cable stitch in your life.
All right.
I didn't kill Brucey.
Then why did you
turn yourself in?
Because I'd rather rot in here
than have everyone
know the truth.
What's worse than
a murder charge?
That Thanksgiving
when, when Bruce left,
he left with my sister.
Bonnie?
Well, it's always
the ones you don't expect.
I haven't spoken to either
of them since.
Two people I love most
in the world,
they chose each other
and left me
with cold turkey
and a broken heart.
But the truth
I-I really don't want
to admit is that I am old, alone
and not loved.
Oh, Geneva, don't be crazy.
We all love you, and we're
not going anywhere, okay?
And, you know, everybody
has a secret or two.
You know what I just saw?
Josephine and
Ronnie going after each other
like dogs in heat.
- Really?
- Hmm.
She's sure was baking
a lot of casseroles.
Now we know why.
What do you mean it's not Bruce?
Bruce doesn't have
a gallbladder.
This body does.
Wait.
Wait a second.
Can you shine your light
more over here?
Yeah.
What was a marble
doing in there?
I think this body was in the bog
a lot longer than we thought.
Good eye, Martin,
it's a musket ball.
18th century.
This might be
an early Port Wennian,
like Jeremiah or Roderick, or
nay, Archibald "No Nose" Wenn.
This cadaver was centuries old.
We discovered a Bog Man
on this side of the Atlantic.
I mean, that's the headline.
This is incredible.
Wow.
This case just took a turn.
We have a lot of work to do.
What for?
The investigation is over.
This is now
a scientific discovery.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Not so fast.
This is still a homicide.
Four-hundred-year-old murder.
- It's my first cold case.
- Mark is right.
I would like to know who killed
this early Port Wennian, too.
It's part of our, what?
- History.
- History, Doc.
Fine. As long as you
leave me out of it.
Knock yourselves out.
I have to make a call.
Don't worry about nothing, Doc.
- You know I got this.
- Thanks, partner.
Geneva didn't do it.
Sorry, Jessica Fletcher.
That's old news.
- What?
- Hi, Norman.
- It's Dr. Martin Best.
- Look at this.
Yes.
Yes, it's been a while.
Listen, I-I need a favor.
- I was wondering
- What's all the hubbub?
Geneva didn't kill Bruce.
The dead body might be
an early Port Wennian!
I'm so excited!
- Wait, there's no murder?
- No mystery?
It's a cold case,
straight out of the freezer,
right onto the grill.
How are we gonna load
these shirts?
An ancient murder
is still a murder!
Hey, what are you
two whispering about?
Repairs.
Come on, Bert, let's go
- Tighten the hinge.
- The loose Yeah, the hinge.
Great. All right.
Thanks, Norman.
I-I'll send those peat samples
over to the lab right away.
Okay, got it.
I'll-I'll ask. Bye.
Can I have everyone's attention?
Hello.
Excuse me.
Who wants to make
a thousand dollars?
Mm. Well, at least
you're predictable.
I just got off the phone
with a colleague,
a forensic anthropologist
from Harvard.
Yeah, get on with it.
- We know you went to Harvard.
- Go Crimson!
We just discovered
a rare Bog Man
who could be hundreds
of years old.
It's a once-in-a-lifetime
opportunity to study taphonomy
Jump to the part
where we get paid.
Right. Researchers want
to do DNA testing
to identify
any living relatives,
and they'll pay a thousand
dollars per confirmed match.
So what do we do?
Just pile in a van?
Go down to Boston?
Nope. I'll open
my office for anyone
who wants to do genetic testing.
Who's interested?
Great.
Elaine will coordinate
DNA collection.
Absolutely.
Detective Elaine Denton here.
Mystery is not over yet.
Who's the old dead dude?
Was he still murdered?
And most importantly,
who here in Port Wenn
has found their bog daddy,
their bog grampy, Bogfather?
That's it.
Only time and some
DNA samples will tell.
Need a new frisky friend
for your show?
- I'm good with mysteries.
- Ew, definitely no.
Don't say that.
But I do need a new cameraman.
Let's talk.
See, that's how they get you.
One day, they take your DNA.
The next day,
you're in a police lineup
- for car theft in Kalamazoo.
- Come on, Dad.
You-you love a chance
to make some quick cash.
Money's not that important.
Meet you out back
for a peek at the Bog Man.
Okay. All right.
See. Come on.
I know you too well.
We should, we should do it.
Your DNA leads to my DNA,
and I can't risk it.
So don't do it.
Glad you came in voluntarily,
Gilbert.
I'd hate to have
to subpoena you.
I don't know what
you're talking about,
but you're making me
very nervous.
In a small town,
everybody's hiding something.
I'm Detective Elaine Denton.
Stay tuned for the next
episode of Claw and Order.
The Bogfather.
Kinda stiff on that take.
Yeah, I got a better one in me.
New cameraman already?
- That's fast.
- That's show business.
If my dad asked if I came in,
don't tell him, okay?
He's been really weird
about that stuff.
Not a problem.
It's like you're not even here.
It's like you're not even here.
I'm gonna shoot this.
Lots of unspoken tension.
- Can it, Cronk.
- Yeah, Cronk.
I promise, I have been
pounding water
all day today like it's my job.
We'll see if your veins agree.
We'll be removing a pint
to lower your ferritin levels.
Should take about half hour.
Make a fist.
I'm glad we got this in today.
This morning,
you seemed very, uh
Pass the needle.
Wait. What?
Oh, this is just how we do it.
It's perfectly normal.
It's textbook normal.
Did I do something wrong?
Offend you somehow?
- What?
- I don't know.
It just feels like
you can't stand
being in the same room
with me anymore.
You know what?
I-I don't have the time
to deal with the emotional
insecurities of every patient.
I-I have to collect
peat samples.
- Excuse me?
- What?
What? I have important research
to do and I'm running late.
You know, it's funny, um
This is the most engaged
I have ever seen you.
And it's over a corpse.
Yes.
And you want to know why?
Because unlike humans,
corpses don't talk back.
They-they don't tease,
they don't gossip.
Their tender little feelings
don't get hurt.
They aren't a constant tsunami
of needs and opinions.
And, at least with a corpse,
I won't be surprised when
it doesn't listen to me.
I knew it.
I never thought you were
a right fit for Port Wenn
and now you're proving me right.
What did you just do?
- I have to go.
- Where?
Somewhere I can be alone.
What does that mean?
No!
- Two.
- Two.
It was good, right?
Oh, so creepy.
Oh, my God, there's a hair.
The Bog Man.
Tell your friend.
Hey, right you here, ladies.
Right in there.
Honey, I'm looking for the ma
Greg Garrison,
you are not doing
what I think you're doing.
Do not judge me until
you see the electric bill.
That is dirty money.
Costs are up, margins are down.
So every dirty dollar helps.
- I'd show you the spreadsheet.
- No, no, no, no.
I'm just gonna get
a raging headache.
Well, I try to protect you,
my love.
I know you hate to see me
bogged down by details.
- Oh.
- Okay
Hey, you make enough
to fix the oven light?
Yes, and perhaps enough to
splurge on name-brand mayo.
Greg, you're such a tease.
Mm.
Two more.
- Hey, Miss Dana.
- It was good, right?
Tell your friends.
Tell your friends.
- Any words from Harvard?
- Not yet.
Oh, the DNA lab
sent a couple flags
from the genetic screenings.
Can you have Al come in?
Al? Do I have to?
What do you think, detective?
Hey, thanks, Greg.
- Thanks, my love.
- How's it going, guys?
A lot of dead ends,
no pun intended.
Whoa, wait. Check this.
"Battle of Machias,
fought in Maine during
the Revolutionary War.
Musket balls, 18th century."
- It lines up.
- Strong working theory, George.
Adding it to the list.
Glad you're having fun.
But we open in five.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Go on ahead without me.
Last time I let him near
The History Channel.
So the DNA testing shows
you have genetic markers
for Marfan Syndrome.
What? Am-am I okay?
Absolutely.
You're gonna be fine.
No, it's, it's a connective
tissue disorder.
Now, while it can be serious,
your signs are
the manageable ones.
Uh, you're just tall, thin,
flexible joints,
nearsightedness.
You wear corrective lenses,
right?
- Yeah.
- Listen.
It's a good thing
you took the DNA test.
Now we know, so we
can keep an eye on it.
But again, there's absolutely
nothing to worry about here.
Okay? See you at
your annual physical.
Wait, Doc, um, you said
it's genetic.
Correct.
And is that from
my mom's side or my dad's?
In this case,
from your father's side.
Okay, well,
he's built like a truck,
and he's got perfect vision.
Yes.
So does that mean
my dad is not my dad?
Al, look
Family isn't just genetics.
You guys.
The Bog Man results are here.
This is gonna be so exciting.
We'll read it out
at the Salty Breeze.
It'll be so fun, and really
good content for my show.
So, Al, maybe we should just
What happened?
- Is he okay?
- You'll have to ask him.
Al! Al, wait!
What are you
Come on, Al!
Just leave it, Elaine.
It's such a great photograph.
Oh, this so exciting.
- Martin.
- Louisa.
What was that about?
Doctor-patient confidentiality.
You just can't help
being a jackass, can you?
Dear Port Wennians,
we gather to honor history
and the miracle of DNA testing.
May I have ye old envelope?
Oh, can I get
a drum roll please?
And the results are
Harvard has confirmed
there was one living descendant
of the Port Wenn Bog Man.
And that person is
Oh, snap.
Martin Best?
You're-you're kidding.
It's-it's Martin?
What about Aunt Sarah?
It just says your name.
Must be on your mother's side.
But I-I didn't submit DNA.
I may have borrowed some hairs
from your hair brush.
Elaine, that's a complete
violation of privacy,
not to mention illegal
on several levels.
Oh, Martin, come on,
and face it.
This town's in your blood.
It's a good thing we didn't
send in our DNA, huh?
You all right, kiddo?
Yeah, Dad.
Glad we didn't.
Based on historical records,
Harvard believes
that the Bog Man
is a man who might be
named James Brewster!
- I know that name.
- Yeah.
- You just said James Brewster.
- I did.
I know that name.
I know that name. Hold on.
Okay, wait.
Yeah, okay.
Right here.
In "No Nose" Wenn's journal,
he wrote,
"The 17th of June, 1759.
This day ended in trouble
with a fray
betwixt James Brewster
and our good townsman.
A notorious recluse,
Brewster mainly keeps to
himself in a dreary shack
by the bog, yet always
finds cause to quarrel
whenever he can."
Yeah, he sounds like
he's related to Martin.
Yeah, this sounds like Doc.
Martin.
Wait, wait.
Okay, wait. There's more.
"Apparently, a lot of people
wanted him dead.
So much so that
Archibald "No Nose" Wenn
challenged Brewster to
a duel and killed him.
Whoa.
Wow, I think I just found
the Bog Man's killer.
I think we just solved the case!
I think we just solved the case!
You know, right?
Hey.
What is going on with you?
Are you going to die?
Because if you're going to die,
that's gonna make me
want to die.
And I'm really too young
and too cute to die.
No, I'm not gonna die.
I'm sorry if I, if I scare you.
Okay, so then what did
Martin tell you?
Um, he said I'm,
uh, double jointed.
That's it?
Look
I'm sorry
that I called you
my frisky friend.
I didn't mean that.
I mean, I did mean that.
But when I thought that
you were going to die, it just,
it made me realize that you are
more than just
some frisky friends.
So are you my girlfriend
or-or no?
Yes.
- Yeah?
- Fine.
- Okay.
- I'm your girlfriend.
Evenin', Bog Man.
Good night, Dr. Bog Man.
Uh, watch out, it's the Bog Man!
Stop.
That's, like, so sad.
We always knew
he was the saddest man alive,
and now it's like facts.
Come on.
Martin, Martin.
Are-are you okay?
I'm-I'm here to apologize.
- Oh.
- The way I spoke to you
at my office, it was wrong.
Have a good night.
Wait, uh
That's it?
- That's your apology?
- I'm not sure what else to say.
Why-why can't you
just talk to me?
I mean, tell me what
What's going on with you?
I
have a hard time
with
blood phobia.
Oh.
About blood.
A blood phobia, if you will.
Okay, um
Wow, um
This-this entire time?
Huh. But you're a doctor.
A surgeon who can't stand
the sight of blood.
I came here hoping
that I could still
practice medicine.
It's proven harder to do
than I thought.
That's why Elaine assists me
and why I act like
a lunatic every time
I try to take your blood.
I see it.
So, why tell me now?
I
I don't want to be the Bog Man.
Well your dog seems
to love you.
He's not my dog.
He sure seems like your dog.