Crap Happens (2026) s01e08 Episode Script

1
FUNERALS OF ALL KINDS
Go inside.
Just go into the Fune-hair-eal Parlor,
apologize, and everything will be fine.
Don't just do your usual thing
and run off when it gets tough.
Toni, you wuss!
As expected, Toni didn't go inside.
Instead, he wandered
aimlessly through the night
and dragged himself home at dawn,
looking miserable.
See? Absolutely miserable.
And Charly wasn't the only one
he had screwed things up with.
Dalia, I need you to call Toni.
Dr. Drehws, hello.
Toni, Toni… Where do I even start?
Sunshine, good morning!
I'm making a few pancakes
for my kids here.
- More marshmallows, okay?
- Yes, sir.
Yeah, I think one of my kids
loves marshmallows.
I'll admit,
when you suddenly vanished yesterday,
I was pretty mad at you.
But then your old man talked you up.
He told me the truth. All of it.
The Swiss boy actor.
The fight with your real son,
and why you left.
So it got me thinking,
"I guess Toni's doing
the best he can, right?"
Plus, if you can't take responsibility
for your kids,
you won't take responsibility
for your career either.
Dalia!
- Yeah?
- Oh.
- How are we picking Toni up today?
- The pink porno limousine.
Pink porno limousine.
Sounds about right.
Toni, you're going to be
the opening act at Pipo's concert tonight.
Fifteen thousand people
chanting your name.
Toni! Toni! Toni! Toni! Toni! Toni! Toni!
Toni! Toni! Toni!
Today could be a historic day,
or a total disaster, who knows.
The car's on its way. Toodle-oo!
"Toodle-oo"?
So?
I haven't messed it up yet!
Ahh!
- Yeah!
- Yeah. Ow!
Sorry. I…
Mm.
- Mwah!
- Ugh…
It's your time to shine, kid.
Oh my goodness.
My son… I'm really proud of you.
Thanks for everything.
"Thanks for everything…"
Thanks for everything… Papa.
- Sure thing.
- Mm-hmm.
Um… Do you want…
To come along? Wha… Me?
Well, nah.
But maybe Charly wants to.
- Thank you.
- He hadn't messed up with Drehws.
So maybe he still had
a chance with Charly too.
Look at my Teddy Bear
in the pink porno limousine.
They just grow up so fast.
Excuse me, driver…
Can we stop somewhere?
Anything you want, my little superstar.
Bruce Willis?
No, I'm just the car.
Why do you sound like Bruce Willis?
Because that's the voice
you want to hear right now.
Sick. So true.
Can you… Can you say,
"Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker"?
Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker!
CRAP HAPPENS
A call? For Johnny?
Good morning, Jörgi.
- Hey, Johnny.
- What's going on?
I'm worried about Nancy.
What's wrong with her?
She doesn't want
to brush her teeth anymore.
What Jörg actually meant with
his dental hygiene concerns was this.
After Nancy was fired
for her illicit investigations…
I said you're fired!
…she went, as any die-hard
law enforcer would, completely rogue.
She stopped showering,
got a bunch of little strings,
and printed out photos and whatever.
You've all seen crime shows before.
You know the drill.
And looked off dramatically.
Oh, good Lord, Jörg! Listen closely.
Stay where you are,
and don't move an inch, all right?
Tupac, where are my pants?
Again?
FUNE-HAIR-EAL PARLOR
This is Schitten Radio
back again, the station that always knows
what's happening with you.
With a song everyone loves.
Buzzard, buzzard, this is my advice
Kawaaa…
By a man everyone loves.
Everyone loves Toni.
Absolutely everyone. Right?
- Mama…
- Someone doesn't?
- Yeah?
- Can you please turn off the stupid radio?
This is my advice
- No!
- Okay. You still mad at Toni?
It was a stupid idea.
No, it wasn't a stupid idea.
He's just an idiot.
Yeah, but how hard is it
to just be there for your kid?
That's all I ever wanted.
I know.
I mean, it would've been so cool
if we could talk without words?
- Like us?
- Like us.
A telepathic
parent-child connection is so cool!
So cool!
But I get nothing from him.
Charly wanted a sweet
and caring dad who was just there for him.
But what he got was…
What the hell?
…a rapper in a pink porno limousine.
Hey. Hi.
Oh.
The Father of the Year is here.
Charly…
I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry I lied to you.
- Mm.
I'm performing at this huge concert
tonight as the opening act, and,
you know, if it goes well…
then I'll get signed, and, well,
everything will be a lot easier.
And I'll have a lot more time for us.
No more lies, okay?
That's it?
Uh, I thought maybe
you'd wanna come along?
So you can see what I do
and why it's so important to me.
I told you. Your career or me.
Good luck at your concert…
Toni.
Leave.
Sorry.
Hey, Snugglebug…
We could just go
to Tropical Island together.
To clear your head a bit.
Can you stop with the commercials
for Tropical Island, please?
Sorry.
Don't be sad, motherfucker.
You remind me of myself in the '90s
art house masterpiece, Armageddon.
I had to leave my daughter
behind back then too.
Uh… Sorry, Bruce, I don't think
Armageddon's gonna help me right now.
Armageddon always helps.
My destiny was to drill asteroids.
Your destiny is
to become a great rap star. Okay?
- Okay.
- Toni! Toni!
- Then let's go to Berlin.
- Toni! Toni! Toni! Toni!
PEDICURES
Nance-mouse? I brought your papa, baby.
- Princess?
- Don't call me that.
Okay. Um…
Nancy, do you maybe wanna tell Daddy
what you're working on here?
You would never understand.
There are some things out there
that are so horrific…
Mysteries so… unexplainable,
so unspeakable, so inconceivable,
so… dark that
no one could ever unravel them.
- Wait, I know what this is.
- What?
It's asparagus.
Asparagus?
Blue asparagus. It grows in our garden.
I just toss it out in the garbage.
But why is it blue?
I think it's a mutation.
That could be it,
considering Kaia's bomb experiments.
- Are you ready, you ?
- Yeah.
BACK IN KAIA'S BOMBING PHASE
Bomb experiment 473.
Yeah!
- Kids!
- Man…
- Enough of that crap! Dinner's ready!
- What about the other bombs?
Don't be a snitch!
Why would someone turn our asparagus
into some sort of drug deal?
'Cause there's an institution in Germany
that'd never allow
genetically altered food
with who-knows-what inside
to hit the legal market.
An institution that we all respect.
The only authority in our country
that no one fucks with.
The National Dental Chamber.
What? No, Jörg.
- The Department of Food Safety.
- Yes, exactly.
But why are people getting addicted to it?
That, Nancy-Pants…
we'll likely never learn.
Have you tried it before?
What?
Of course not. I hate asparagus.
Aw, just like Papa.
Because of the texture, the smell…
The hollandaise sauce.
I'll do it.
What?
I'll try it.
- You'd do that for me, Jörg?
- Even the base. I'd eat it all for you.
Oh, Jörg.
Nancy.
Hm.
So?
Yup, it's good.
Normally, I think
asparagus is pretty tasteless.
But I can eat this one plain.
Do you feel anything?
Do you hear that voice as well?
Yeah.
Jörgi!
Don't forget, you have
an appointment next week.
Goddammit.
Well, maybe we just have to wait
a little before it starts kicking in.
And while the three of them
waited for the asparagus to hit…
Toni arrived in Berlin
like a real rap star.
Pizza Boy Yeah, I bring that pizza, boy
Delivered straight to your door
Hot and ready, hits ahoy
Pizza boy, pizza boy
Yeah, I bring that pizza, boy
Bring only the purest joy
Pipo got the freshest toys
Pizza boy
Yeah, I bring that pizza, boy
Delivered straight to your door
Hot and ready, hits ahoy
Pizza boy, pizza boy
Yeah, I bring that pizza, boy
Bring only the purest joy
Pipo got the freshest toys
Pipo, dude, how sick is this?
Stop the beat.
Who are you?
Uh, Toni?
Toni… Toni, right!
Hey, I barely recognized ya.
We worked together in that…
What was it? Pizza place!
You mean last week?
Jeez, I can hardly remember anymore.
Was that it?
In just one week as a rap star
at Cutie Heart Records,
Pipo recorded eight songs,
played 16 concerts,
opened three orphanages
and four furniture stores,
all on a whopping
six hours of sleep total.
How's your mom, bro?
Has she recovered from that… death?
No.
Give her my best, dude.
Thanks.
Yeah, dude. Congratulations.
I mean… Rapping for thousands, right?
Number one on the charts?
Pipo, are you okay?
- Pipo?
- A little wisdom for you, bro.
Yo, run for your life, bro.
This game… It'll eat you alive, bro.
I'm so tired.
- I don't have time anymore… for anything.
- What's going on?
What's wrong?
Susi's dead!
Susi? You're kidding.
She's dead
'cause I didn't have time for her anymore.
Pipo, they need you backstage.
Sleep. I just need to sleep
for, like, an hour.
You can sleep when the tour's over.
Go, hurry!
- Go!
- Run away, bro.
- Toni, hey!
- Hey.
Glad you made it. Come backstage.
Okay.
Dalia, is Pipo all right?
Yeah, he'll be fine.
Here, this is for you.
- Is this my contract?
- No, those are your appointments. Here.
CONTRACT- GNARLY RAP CAREER
My first rap contract.
And here's the marketing concept.
- With even more appointments.
- Okay.
If it goes well tonight,
we'll start with the album,
pulling together the band,
internet presence, game shows, podcasts.
Next year, festivals,
tour, and second album.
We'll keep it old school
the year after that,
meaning drug addiction,
rehab, recovery book, third album.
Okay…
In eight years, we'll do
a biopic about your life. Hold on…
Here, the script's ready.
Just stick to that.
It's all in there, okay?
AXEL STEIN AS TONI
EMILIO SAKRAYA AS JOHNNY CARRERA
DON'T RAP YOUR LIFE, LIVE YOUR RAP!
A FEEL-GOOD MOVIE FROM NETFLIX
Netflix? Okay…
Whoa.
Two hours and 34 minutes left until
Toni Fleischer's big performance tonight.
Anyone in Schitten who still wants
to go last-minute should head out soon.
Very soon. Like, now.
Schitten Radio. The station
that serves you. And your feelings.
- Snugglebug?
- Hm?
- Are you having a hard time?
- No, why?
Maybe you should
take it easy on the cocoa.
Hello? You're going to miss the concert.
I hope that's what you want,
'cause you won't get another chance.
Am I making a mistake?
You might be.
Honestly, you have every single right
in the world to be angry with him.
But at Tropical Island,
where everyday life takes a backseat,
I learned it's okay
to listen to your heart,
and to maybe give
your stupid rapper father one last chance.
That's a super specific lesson.
- Yeah. That's Tropical Island.
- Hello?
Is anyone listening?
Does anyone even listen
to the radio anymore?
I'm so lonely.
While Charly mulled it over,
the trio at the police station were
still waiting for Jörg to feel anything
other than the urge to cure cavities.
Well, Jörgi? Still don't feel anything?
I need to pee.
INVESTIGATIVE FOOD SAFETY ADMINISTRATION
Y'know, I used to wanna work
with food safety.
You don't say, Nancy.
Mm-hmm. In the '90s, yeah.
I wish I could flash back to those days,
just to feel how I felt then.
I have a dream about her
She rings my bell…
We were all crazy about blue slushies.
And we got
a hell of a lot of brain freeze.
Little did we know
that damn thing was spiked with Molly.
Then one day, they came.
'Cause I'm just
A teenage dirtbag, baby
Yeah, I'm just a teenage dirtbag, baby
Listen to Iron Maiden…
That's when I knew
I wanted to be a law enforcer.
But my mother said
the DFS only takes the best of the best.
So I never sent my application to
the Department of Food Safety Academy.
And became a local police officer instead.
Nancy, come here.
- I'll break your arms.
- Okay.
Johnny! Johnny!
What is it?
Smell it!
Ew, no!
- Please just smell it.
- Ew, Jörg, that's disgusting!
Johnny Carrera,
you are smelling my pee-pee.
Oka… Uh, okay.
There's no scent.
Yeah. See what I mean?
Oh! Cool!
Ah! That's it! Nancy! Follow me!
- Nance-mouse!
- Nancy!
- Nancy!
- Nance-mouse! Ahh!
I'm walking slow motion From the pizzeria
I'm ordering
Another round of Margheritas
Nah, nah
I ain't talking 'bout tequila
Me and my señoritas eating Margheritas
Salami, salami, salami, salami, salami
150 performances in the first year alone,
300 promo dates, and 180 days on the road.
Knock, knock.
Nah… Don't get up.
So, you got any questions before
your first buzzard flight to the sky?
Um… How does it work with kids?
Ah…
Listen…
When a man and a woman…
like each other very much…
or when same-sex couples, y'know,
decide they're ready to have children--
- No, Dr. Drehws.
- It's possible--
What I mean, actually, is, uh,
how can someone have a career like this
in rap and still be there as a father?
How does it work? How do you do it?
Oh.
I don't have to work. I'm rich.
Ah, so rich…
Yeah, that makes sense.
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
All right then.
Break a leg.
There's no way he could live
a normal life with a contract like this.
It was either that or a family.
He couldn't have both.
Surprise.
Hey. So you changed your mind?
Well, you're not the father Charly wanted,
but you're the father he has. So…
work it out.
And I am going to leave you alone.
We've got it! We know
the secret behind the blue asparagus.
- Huh?
- Smell-free urine!
I mean, think about it.
Asparagus that actually has
some flavor for a change
and doesn't make your urine stink.
Of course everyone's
completely hooked on it.
Especially in Berlin.
I want more. Give me more!
Pull yourself together.
What do you mean by that?
People in Berlin are
completely obsessed with their own pee.
Urine parties here, urine tastings there,
urine shakes in the a.m.,
or urine cream soup in the p.m.
I hate Berlin.
Hey!
For Mama.
No!
Okay, I'm gonna sing
one more song, and then it's Toni!
Just talk to each other already!
So, are you nervous?
Nah.
The honest answer.
Actually, I think
I might've peed myself a little.
Maybe I was a little bit unfair before.
Maybe it could work, rap and me.
Keep talking.
Ahh.
What's that?
This is my contract.
- Mm-hmm.
- And this thing here is
a really, really thick marketing plan.
With, um… lots of appointments.
Toni! You're up in ten. Move it already!
Yeah, uh, I'm talking to my son right now.
Well, do that later!
Sorry, Charly. I gotta go on stage.
Um… Hey, we could watch
Armageddon tonight though, if you want.
- I've already seen it. For school.
- What do you mean, for school?
Um, Armageddon. It's my school play,
and I'm doing the music.
Oh yeah. Totally forgot.
Yeah, I know.
But hey,
you'll have more time for me now, right?
Right?
- You said no more lies.
- Um…
So there was Toni,
just minutes away
from his big performance,
the one that
would change his life forever.
He could already hear the crowd
chanting his name.
Toni! Toni! Toni!
But how was he going to explain to Charly
that he wouldn't have time
for him anymore?
"You said that today, remember?"
Charly would add.
If Toni were to tell him the truth,
he would say,
"I think it's going to be even worse."
And that would break Charly's heart.
Toni would try to stop him.
He'd go after him and say,
"Charly, wait, we can do this. "
But then Charly would answer,
"Do you really believe that?"
Toni! Toni!
And the crowd would chant even louder.
Toni! Toni! Toni! Toni!
And Charly would walk away silently…
and he would never look back.
Toni! Toni! Toni!
- Toni would lose Charly.
- Toni! Toni! Toni!
Charly would go home.
Jana would keep getting hammered.
And Toni would walk onto the big stage,
like he'd dreamed of all his life.
He'd be a star.
But the whole time,
he'd think about nothing else but…
Toni! Toni! Toni! Toni! Toni! Toni!
Toni, bro. Come out, bro. Where are you?
- Yeah, I don't know…
- Go back there and look for him, dammit!
Did you run away, bro?
Take me with you, bro.
Bro?
Toni!
Shit.
Hey, is there something
I could do in your school play?
Uh, you could move the crane.
It's like towing, only in a theater.
Oh, cool, perfect.
Check this out.
- Bruce?
- Yeah?
- Drive us home.
- No problem, motherfucker.
Oh, you guys are so cute.
You remind me of my character
in the '90s masterpiece The Sixth Sense.
I was faced with a choice back then,
and I also chose the weird little kid.
Spent all my time with him.
Seriously, every free minute.
It was nice.
No life of my own anymore.
No hopes.
No dreams.
No passion.
Only that kid. Every day.
Turns out I was dead in the end.
Shit.
- You okay? Everyone all right?
- I think so.
We're okay.
Wait! Oh no, Vladimir.
I'm here. I'm a doctor.
Come on, you're just a dentist.
The mayor. She's behind this.
It can't be the mayor!
That's why she made me that offer.
It's all about
that stupid blue asparagus, isn't it?
What do we do now?
We've gotta stop her.