Everybody Still Hates Chris (2024) s01e08 Episode Script

1
[jazzy saxophone music]
[jazzy saxophone music]
[jazzy saxophone music]
[jazzy saxophone music]
♪
- I need you to find my
husband, Detective Cheeks.
I'm concerned
he's met with foul play.
- She's lying.
She killed him
for the life insurance.
- My family was good
at spotting the liar,
because we were great
at lying.
[phone ringing]
- If that's Louis, tell
him I'm stuck on the Statue
of Liberty's head.
- My dad lied to avoid
his brother Louis
who was visiting New York.
Uncle Louis was
always one-upping him.
- And the sound quality is way
better than a cassette tape.
- Oh, I know.
Check out my CD player.
The sound system was 14 grand,
but they threw in the car
for free.
[laughs]
[phone rings]
- Hello?
Oh, hey, Louis.
Julius isn't home.
Oh, you just bought a new home.
- [groans]
- He'll be so
happy to hear that.
- [groaning]
- Fibbing was our
second tongue.
We were lie-lingual.
But at least
we all had one person
who always told us the truth.
Drew had my mother.
- You can't wear blue.
You're light-skinned.
- Thank you.
- My mother had Drew.
- Mama, this is nasty.
- Oh, thank you.
- And I had Tonya.
- Dang, you look like
a rejected Ninja Turtle.
- Didn't want her,
but I had her.
No, I don't.
[dramatic sting]
Cowabunga.
- [laugh]
Leo-nerdo.
[upbeat funky music]
- My dad hated it when his
brother was in town,
'cause he could pop in
at any time.
[knock at door]
- It's Louis.
Scatter!
Scatter!
Scatter!
[grunts]
[breathing rapidly]
- Oh.
Hi, Doc.
- Sorry to barge in
like this, but no one
was answering the phone.
- Yeah, it's not
working for some reason.
[dial tone droning]
- Drew, I need you at the
corner store on Saturday.
I'm planning to honor
Jackie Robinson,
and I need you to be there.
- Jackie Robinson!
[breathing rapidly]
What about him?
- I didn't know you
were such a big fan.
- Here we go.
- He broke baseball's
color barrier,
he helped the Dodgers
win the World Series,
and he lived
in a duplex down the street
where I may or may not
leave 42 flowers for him
on his birthday every year.
- You buy flowers for a ghost?
So I've got to die
for you to get me flowers?
- Well, uh, I'm having a Jackie
Robinson promotion at the store
to celebrate number 42.
Buy 41 items
and get the 42nd free.
- Why do you need
me to be there?
- Because Jackie picked you up
when you were a baby.
Don't you remember?
- No, I don't remember anything
from when I was a baby.
[gasp]
Oh, god.
I have amnesia!
Who am I?
- Well, I'll never forget it.
[both groans]
The day, overcast.
You could smell
the coming rain.
The clouds were thick,
but the crowd was thicker.
The sun bathed Drew
in light, and Jackie
picked him up, anointing him.
[gasp]
The boy who got picked up!
The crowd oohed.
[together]
Ooh!
- Did they ahh?
- No, it was just the ooh.
- Drew, I want you
to tell this Jackie
Robinson story on Saturday.
You'll be the main event.
- The main event.
- This was my dad's
chance to one-up
his one-upping-ass brother.
- I need to call Louis.
Ow!
- Since meeting her
at Tasha's church,
I've been making out
nonstop with--
Amy?
Nope.
I didn't even know her name.
We were so busy
playing tonsil hockey,
we hadn't made time
for tonsil talky.
[both gasp]
- Whoo!
So, um, do you like music?
- Love it.
[laughs]
- You ever listened
to Big Daddy Kane?
- [scoff] I prefer
country because country
singers don't sing bad
about women, or horses.
- Horses?
Uh, so what shows do you like?
- "Bewitched."
Have you seen it?
- No.
- But you said
you liked comedy.
- I do.
I'm into Eddie Murphy.
- Oh, I think you
mean Eddie Munster.
- Mm, I don't.
- What can I get you two?
- We'll start with your
New England clam chowder.
- I only eat
Old England clam chowder.
- I'll give you two a minute.
- Jackie Robinson made it to
second base hundreds of times,
and I wasn't even
going to do it once.
- Huh?
- [whimpers]
- Uh, I got to make
sure my Afro's even.
[funky music]
- What are you doing?
- [gasp]
I'm trying to find
a photo from the day I became
the boy who got picked up.
- Forget the photo.
You need to practice
your speech.
I'm inviting Uncle Louis.
This has got to be the best
speech Louis has ever heard.
- OK, cool, so no pressure.
- Yes, pressure!
This is me putting
pressure on you!
- I mean, I'll try, but I
don't really know much about
that day.
- Then research.
Go to the library.
- It's going to close soon.
I'll never make it,
unless I take a cab.
- [sighs]
- We've been digging for
four score and seven years.
- I never should
have left England.
- Don't give up!
We're going to make
it out together!
[patriotic music]
- Ha, ha!
See ya, suckers!
- Tell my slaves I love them.
- Here you go.
Damn, that was $10
worth of dollars.
[suspenseful music]
- Greg?
- What are you doing out there?
I can't let you
ruin this for us.
- Us?
- Yeah, us.
Best friends experience
things through each other.
That's why I'm here.
A win for you is a win
for me, and you are losing.
- It's not my fault.
Me and whatever her name
is have nothing in common.
- Then lie.
Honest-ay won't
get you no boo-tay.
- It feels wrong to lie to
a girl just to get some.
- Do you want to get
to second base or not?
- Of course I do, Greg.
Do you even know me?
- Then go play her, playa.
- Fine.
But you have to promise to
put your pimp voice away
and never bring it out again.
- OK.
- Mom, I was just
at the library,
and I'm confused
about something.
- You went to the library?
On a Friday night?
Don't lie to me, boy.
[gasp]
Is it drugs?
- Huh?
No.
Look at this photo I found from
the day Jackie picked me up.
It's hard to make out my face.
- Newspapers don't know how
to photograph Black people.
You're lucky it's not just
a picture of your teeth.
OK, bedtime.
- Why am I wearing a dress?
- It was the '70s.
Boys wore dresses.
- This doesn't
look like my hair.
- It rained.
Your hair curled up.
- But in the story,
you said you
could smell the coming rain.
- The coming rain came, boy.
- But you said--
- [snoring]
- You know,
while I was sculpting my Afro,
I couldn't help remembering,
I think I did see "Bewitched,"
and I loved it.
- I mean, it's so good, right?
- The only way
it could get better
is if Eddie Munster was in it.
- I thought the same thing.
- What kind of name
is Big Daddy Kane, anyway?
What he should be rapping
about is being a big father
in his children's lives.
- This is really nice, Chris.
- Yeah, Red Lobster's the best.
Save room for dessert.
- Oh, Chris.
I want to be the dessert.
[funky music]
[both gasp]
- I had finally
gotten to second base,
and it was all thanks to Greg.
Maybe I should have
listened to him more often.
- Are we-- in there yet?
- Never mind.
I'll remember this
night on my deathbed.
- Me too.
I finally found the
Darrin to my Samantha.
- Who?
- Uh, from "Bewitched."
- I know.
I meant, whoo!
Like, ooh, boy.
What a great show.
- And now we can watch it
every night on the couch.
And you know what's next?
- Uh, you touch my boobs?
- You meeting my family!
This is the start
of our lives together!
- I just wanted to
get to second base,
but she was trying
to take me home.
- Both of them
at the same time?
Did you lift them up?
What's under them?
- Uh-- uh-- sweat?
It doesn't matter.
There's a problem.
- What problem?
We are literally in there.
- We?
No, no.
I'm in there way too deep.
She thinks we're serious
because you made me lie to her.
- She let you touch her boob.
The Reverend Dr. Martin Luther
King Jr. did not march for you
to waste that freedom, Chris.
- White people toss out
MLK's name like a drunk guy
playing cornhole.
She wants me to
meet her family.
- Dude, you've got
to break up with her.
- I can't believe this,
but you're right again.
I have to break up with--
wh-- what's her name?
[knock at door]
- Chris!
- Oh, god.
She's here.
- Hey, babe.
I know we just saw each
other, but I missed you.
- I missed you, too.
- I can't wait for you to come
roller-skating with my
family tomorrow.
- Yeah, about that,
I think we should talk.
- Wait, for real?
I love that you love to talk.
I'm tired of getting
my heart broken by jerks
who just want to feel me up.
I'm glad you're different,
Chris.
So what do you
want to talk about?
- Uh,
how country music is so good.
Liar.
[window squeaking]
- I need to talk to Drew.
Have you seen him?
- Who cares?
Can't talk.
Gotta clean.
- Oh, you invited Louis over.
It wouldn't be for
Jackie Robinson day, would it?
- Oh, is that today?
- Mm-hmm.
I can smell the fake on you.
- Ain't no fake on me.
- You're trying to rub
it in your brother's face
that Jackie Robinson
picked up your son.
- [laughs] His face
is going to look so dumb.
- Mm-hmm.
That's just what I thought.
- [sighs] Louis always makes
everything about him.
But today,
it's finally about me.
- What?
It's about your son.
- Who is an extension of me.
I made him from me.
[knock at door]
Shut up.
He's here!
Louis, I'm so glad to see you.
- Well, I got your message
on my answering service.
Did you know with my answering
service I can get messages
anywhere in the world?
- Wow.
You're answering
service sounds amazing.
I'm so glad you're
telling me about it.
Get in here.
- Hey, Louis.
Long time.
- Well, maybe I'm going
crazy, but I thought
Julius was avoiding me.
- Me?
Avoid my own brother?
Well, that answering service
must be off because you
got the wrong message.
[laughs]
We have fun together.
- Since I couldn't
break up with Alicia--
nope, that wasn't it--
I wondered if life with
her wouldn't be so bad.
[twinkling]
- [laughs]
Oh my god.
She did it again.
[laughs]
- I like this too.
- Let's try the new Eddie
Munster stand-up special.
- I think you
mean Eddie Murphy?
- No, I mean Eddie Munster.
[twinkling]
- And then this vampire
mother[bleep], he--
- Ah!
- Why are you just sitting
there looking stupid?
- I have a problem.
- Of course, you do.
You can't cook,
can't sing, can't run,
can't do the running man,
can't run the mile,
can't run the half mile,
can't watch "Land Before Time"
without crying--
- Tonya, I need a favor.
- Well, well, well.
So this is what your
rock bottom looks like.
- Say everything you just
said, but to my girlfriend.
Then she'll break up with me,
and I won't be the bad guy.
- You want me to help
you by telling the truth
about how much you suck?
- Yes.
What's it going to cost me?
- $50 bucks and make El DeBarge
fall in love with me.
- I'll give you $10
and an El DeBarge cassingle.
- Done.
Can't even negotiate.
I would have done
this for free.
[jazzy music]
♪
- Ugh, did Julius forget to
pay the color bill again?
- Hello, Mother, if that's
even your real name.
- It's not.
You know that's not
my real name, right?
- I didn't, but that's not
what we're talking about.
- Who the hell is playing jazz?
[coin clinks]
- I had a very interesting
morning, Mother.
- The day, overcast.
You could smell
the coming rain.
- The clouds were thick,
but the crowd was thicker.
[coin clinks]
♪
- The sun bathed Drew
in light, and Jackie
picked him up, anointing him--
the boy who got picked up!
- Everyone I talked to told the
same story the same exact way.
- Of course.
They were all there.
- Hmm.
The funny thing is, Mother, not
a single one of them was there.
They all heard
the story from you,
which can only mean one thing.
I'm not the boy
who got picked up.
- Fine, OK?
The boy who got picked up
with some girl named Chante.
- How did an honest mom like
you wind up in a lie like this?
- Drew, listen--
- You were the one
person I could trust.
I mean, is my name even Drew?
- Well, technically,
it's Andrew.
- [gasps]
[machine whirring]
[ball clattering]
[machine beeping]
- Chris,
it's so nice to meet you.
Glad you brought Tonya too.
My only question is,
where's Tonya 1?
[laughter]
- Yikes.
- So Chris, while you're
dating my princess--
- Guess they forgot
her name too.
- You'll see the two things we
value most, family and honesty.
That's why our favorite
movie is "Pinocchio."
- Daddy, Chris told me
it's also his favorite movie.
Right, Chris?
- It is until they
make a "Bewitched" movie.
- I would die!
- That would be my "Godfather."
- Ugh, do it.
Do it now.
- There's something
I want to tell you.
[upbeat funky music]
El DeBarge!
- Tonya,
you were saying something.
- Ugh, no!
It's not El DeBarge.
Why does every song sound
like El DeBarge to me?
Is that what love is?
Why is love so painful?
[gasp]
I like it.
- You like El DeBarge?
My cousin's husband
sold him an aquarium.
We go backstage all the time.
- J-- just get back to what
you were saying, though.
- We could take you the
next time he's in town.
Bargey would love you!
- Chris is the best brother
in the world, and y'all will
have a good life together.
- No, I suck.
Tell her!
- Ugh, and he's so modest.
He can cook.
He can sing.
He can watch "Land Before Time"
without crying.
- He's a stronger man than me.
- Chris is perfect.
I'm so excited for you,
for us, to be a family.
[clears throat] When is
El DeBarge next in town?
- I can't believe you sold me
out for a light-skinned dude.
I can.
She missed me hosting
the Oscars to watch
a Golden State Warriors game.
♪
We had a deal!
- Well, your future
mother-in-law had a better one.
- Family conga!
- Ah!
- We feel the same way your
sister does about you, Chris.
- Uh--
- Yeah!
There's no way we're
going to let you go.
No, sir!
- OK, Chris, your turn to lead.
- [sighs]
- Oof!
- Oh, boy!
- I can't do this.
Can I talk to you for a sec?
I haven't been honest with you.
- You don't love the conga?
- No, I--
I actually do like it.
But I lied to you
about a lot of things.
Uh, I never listened to
your country music mixtape.
I taped over it
with 2 Live Crew.
I actually have hit
my growth spurt,
and this is as tall
as I'm getting.
I think "Pinocchio" is creepy.
Why did Geppetto want
to make a little boy?
What's that about?
And "Bewitched"?
Be-terrible!
- [gasp]
- I hated being the bad guy,
but at least I was free.
- I'm sorry I lied.
- No, I'm sorry you felt you
had to lie to impress me.
No guy has ever cared about
me enough to be honest.
- What?
- We don't have to
agree on everything.
That's what keeps
a relationship spicy.
- So you don't want
to break up with me?
- No way.
I feel closer to you than ever.
In fact,
tonight I want to
[whispering indistinctly]
- The truth was about
to set my virginity free.
- Now it's 5-3, New York.
- Julius,
this has been great,
but I should probably
skedaddle.
- You just got here!
- Well, I have a full day
of appointments tomorrow.
I'm seeing patients
back to back.
[laughs]
- Ha, ha, ha.
Chiropractor joke.
Good one.
Why don't we go get some
snacks for the road?
- Eh, I'm not really hungry.
- Come on!
They're having a big sale
down at the corner store.
- Oh, I hate sales.
They're so crowded.
I like paying more
than retail price.
That way--
- Just come to the
goddamn store with me!
- Uh, OK.
- [sighs]
- Drew?
- Apparently it's Andrew.
And let me guess.
You're going to say you lied
because you love me, right?
- Drew,
this lie wasn't for you.
It was for your father.
He was driving like a madman
trying to make it to see Jackie
Robinson between his jobs.
- [groan]
I'm not going to make it!
[horn honks]
[bluesy music]
That was my one
chance to meet Jackie.
- I know you didn't get
a chance to meet your hero,
but guess who did.
- [squealing]
- Your father worked so hard.
I wanted to give him
a win, so I lied.
- Mwah!
My hero held my son.
I'm the man
who picked up the boy who got
picked up by Jackie Robinson!
- Yep!
And guess what.
The boy who got
picked up pooped up,
so you get to change
that same baby too.
- [cooing]
- But you still
lied to me and Dad.
Don't you feel bad about that?
- I lie to all of you.
That's just called being
a good wife and mother.
- But I thought
you were the person
who always told me the truth.
- Look, Drew,
I'll never lie to hurt you,
but I will to protect you.
It's what you do for
someone you love.
- Maybe that's what you do.
- [sighs]
[militaristic drum cadence]
[cheers and applause]
- Welcome to Jackie Robinson
Day at Doc's Corner Store.
He broke the color barrier, and
I'm breaking the price barrier.
- Well, what on Earth
is going on here?
- It looks like they're
celebrating Jackie.
- Oh!
I forgot.
Drew is going to give
a speech for this.
So glad you suggested
we go to the store.
- Time for the main event.
Please welcome
the boy who got picked up.
all: Drew! Drew! Drew!
Drew! Drew! Drew! Drew!
Drew! Drew!
- Hi.
I'm here to tell you
the truth about the time
Jackie Robinson was here.
[inspirational music]
- The day, overcast.
You could smell
the coming rain.
The clouds were thick,
but the crowd was thicker.
The sun bathed me in light, and
Jackie Robinson picked me up.
[cheers and applause]
- All right, Drew.
That's right. My man.
My man.
- He picked him up.
- That's my boy.
My boy.
- Must feel good
to be the father
of the boy who got picked up.
You made him out of you.
- I did.
Wow, Louis, that sounds
like a once-in-a-lifetime,
unrepeatable event that you
probably wish you
experienced, huh?
I don't think anything
could ever one-up that.
- [clears throat] Who wants
a free medical massage?
They call me Backie Robinson.
D-- Dr. Backie Robinson.
- No one.
That's weird.
- My father
got two wins that day,
one-upping his brother and
saving 42 cents on a bottle
of Jackie Robitussin.
- I'm so proud of you, but your
blue shirt is embarrassing.
- Thank you.
You look tired today.
- Remember,
it's OK to lie sometimes.
- I'm so glad you
brought me here, Chris.
- Yeah, me too--
uh girl.
- And tonight's
going to be amazing.
I'm so glad you
were honest with me.
- Actually, me too.
- As long as we're
honest with each other,
we can get through anything.
- OK.
Well, then--
[tense music]
- I don't know your name.
- What?
- [laughs]
I know, right?
- But you met my family.
- And they didn't call
you by your name one time.
It was crazy.
- I let you touch my tatas.
- And I didn't want
to go any further
without telling you the truth.
Wow.
This feels good.
- Well, how does this feel?
- Ooh!
[groans]
- Oh my god, dude.
She touched our balls!
- Everybody
still hates Chris ♪
[vocalizing]
- MTV ♪