Haha, You Clowns (2025) s01e08 Episode Script
Call to the Battalion
1
(CHOIR SINGING) ♪
My Lord and Savior ♪
Let us prepare our hearts
and extend peace to one another.
Please greet your neighbor.
-Peace be with you.
-Peace be with you.
Peace be with you.
PRIEST: May the blessing
of Almighty God,
the Father, the Son,
and the Holy Spirit
come upon you all
and remain with you forever.
-Mm.
-PRIEST: Amen.
(MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(GUN SHOT)
Enemy spotted, nine o'clock.
My nine o'clock,
my nine o'clock.
VOICE ASSISTANT LEXI:
Setting alarm for nine o'clock.
Lexi, off.
Lexi must have heard
Mom's spirit whispering again.
(ALL LAUGHING)
DARSHAN:
Help, I'm pinned, dudes, pinned.
Darshan,
we need your coordinates.
DARSHAN: Help, Jesus, help.
I-- Help!
Oh, Darshan's village
has the worst internet provider.
Darshan's a sitting duck.
BRIBRI005411: I got eyes,
I got eyes.
-Who is this?
-BRIBRI005411: Target down.
-What's going on over there?
BRIBRI005411: Another down.
Save some of the action for us,
BriBri0054--
BRIBRI005411: You boys
might want to fall back.
(VIBRATING)
Holy moly,
it's the Fourth of July.
BRIBRI005411:
I've got Darshan here,
but he's barely holding on.
TRISTAN: Duncan, med kit, stat.
BRIBRI005411:
Save yours, sweetheart.
I'm a registered nurse.
A nurse who knows her way
around a sniper rifle.
Okay,
I've officially seen it all now.
(ALL LAUGHING)
BRIBRI005411: Well,
I guess you could say
I've had a lot of time
on my hands lately.
So, are you retired, or?
BRIBRI005411: (LAUGHING)
I'm on disability.
-Like in a wheelchair?
-(BRIBRI005411 LAUGHING)
Oh, shit, you boys are a riot.
(CONTROLLERS VIBRATING)
TRISTIAN: So then BriBri
picked off this guy
on the water tower
and saved Darshan's butt
once again.
She was like, ch-chick-pow,
ch-chick-pow,
-ch-chick-pow.
-Oh. (LAUGHING)
Sounds like the D-Man will live
to fight another day.
Yeah, all thanks to BriBri.
BriBri's so funny.
With a laugh that could make
the world sing, Dad.
I see.
There's something special
about this one, Dad.
I can feel it.
I know it's been hard
on you boys
ever since Mom passed away.
We just want
the best for you, Dad.
We got Dad's date
all planned out.
Picture this, Jeanette.
A romantic candlelit dinner.
All the fixings.
And we're making
Dad's favorite dish.
Beef minestrone.
Mom's signature dish.
Dad's gonna cry so hard.
(CHUCKLES)
How did you meet
this woman again?
ALL: Call to the Battalion.
Hmm.
I'm reminded of the time
when I won the 2004
World Trick Shot Championship.
Wow, that's huge, Jeanette.
Before I knew it,
all of Hollywood's leading men
were banging down
my door for a date.
No way.
I need names.
Taye Diggs.
You went on a date
with Taye Diggs?
He said
he was a pool enthusiast,
so I figured, why not?
Why not, she says. Eh!
And I must say he was
an absolute gentleman.
He even took a salsa class
because he knew
I liked to dance.
Taye making us all look bad.
And let me tell you,
you haven't danced
until you've danced
on the rooftop
of Taye Diggs' penthouse.
The views were breathtaking.
That's incredible.
So where's the rock?
Eh, turns out pool was the only
thing we had in common.
Jeanette, I'm so sorry.
Oh, I was fine.
I had other men lined up
around the block.
Anthony LaPaglia
The point is,
people might seem like
a good fit in the beginning,
but just be careful.
Well, I think the fellas and I
are a pretty good judge
of character.
I mean, she's a nurse.
And BriBri, we're thinking
tres leches for dessert.
So come hungry.
BRIBRI005411:
Lower level secured.
Heading to the stairwell.
BriBri, do you have
any food allergies
we should know
about before your date?
BRIBRI005411: Oh God,
you know what?
The world needs more boys
like you three, you know that?
Well, we aim to please, BriBri.
DARSHAN: I too am very,
very excited for your date.
Darshan,
floor two is clear, correct?
DARSHAN: I will send you
my mother's chutney recipe.
It is very, very good.
-BRIBRI005411: Ah.
-BriBri!
BRIBRI005411: God damn it,
Darshan!
You said you cleared
the second floor!
Duncan, med kit!
BRIBRI005411:
You're a filthy liar, Darshan!
I mean, his internet's kind
of laggy, BriBri.
He didn't mean to hurt you.
BRIBRI005411: Boys, there are
bad people in this world.
Dangerous people.
Promise me you'll never
lie to me.
Promise.
ALL: We will never lie to you,
BriBri.
We must protect BriBri
at all costs.
Looks like
a couple more minutes.
Knife and fork on the right?
Wait, no, on the left.
-(DOORBELL RINGS)
-Crap, she's here!
Is it right or left, guys?
Duncan, look at me.
She's going to love it.
I just want everything
to be perfect for BriBri.
Well, mission accomplished then,
because this spread
looks amazing.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Places, everyone.
(INHALES, EXHALES)
Hey, did somebody call
for backup? (LAUGHS)
(ALL LAUGHING)
Why, hello.
Nice to meet you, Brianne.
The boys have told me
so much about you.
Please, call me BriBri.
Okay, then.
BriBri.
Where are our manners?
Please, won't you come inside?
Well, I feel underdressed.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Long story short, enemy fire
from all directions, right?
And here I am lugging around
a howitzer at crawl speed.
I'm like, what?
Oh, God, I remember that.
Keep in mind,
we forgot the bullets
in the busted up T-34.
Christ, that's right.
Well, that's why I was
dragging the freaking thing
in the first place.
(ALL LAUGHING)
DAD: Oh, gosh.
God, that's hilarious.
-Dad, what was that joke
you said on air the other day?
-That's good, that’s good.
You know what's a joke?
Me hauling
a one-ton artillery weapon
up a hillside.
I'm sure it was, BriBri.
Dad, what was that joke?
It's killing me.
Oh, Dad's the weatherman.
This guy can rattle off
sidesplitters like no one else.
God, it's killing me now.
Well, we'd been getting a lot
of humidity,
so one day I just said,
"I've been in swimming
pools drier than this."
(ALL LAUGHING)
I don't believe in weathermen.
So, BriBri, the boys tell me
you used to be a nurse.
I'm still a nurse,
like I told you.
I think what our dad's
trying to say is--
I don't want to hear
about the weather.
Everyone's always lying
about the weather.
LEXI: The weather
is partly cloudy.
Turn it off!
Those things are tracking me!
Oh, Lexi?
Nah, she probably just
heard our mom whispering again.
Uh.
Your mom whispering?
I'm not sure if we mentioned
this to you before, BriBri.
Our mom passed away
not too long ago.
So the fellas and I use humor
as a way of coping.
Just a silly little joke.
BriBri, tres leches, are you in?
I knew I felt a presence
the minute
I stepped foot in this house.
-Wait, seriously?
-BRIBRI: Oh, yes.
I can detect her spirit hovering
right in this area here.
Hey, she must really like
your cooking, am I right, boys?
(LAUGHING)
We're eating one of Mom's
favorite dishes right now.
It's okay, Dad.
Let it out.
Oh, angels talk to me
all the time.
I would have said
something earlier,
but most people think I'm crazy.
We would never
think you're crazy, BriBri.
On a happier note (LAUGHING)
I think that's your mom
telling us to play
some Call to the Battalion.
I've got to admit,
you're one hell
of a woman, BriBri.
-(GUN FIRES)
-(GUN SHOTS)
Whoa, let's move out, fellas.
Hey, BriBri, can you scootch
over a smidge?
It's a little tough
to see back here.
Here, BriBri, take a seat.
I can't sit.
Your TV sucks dick.
-What was that?
-I got eyes!
I got eyes!
I'm taking the shot!
DARSHAN: Yeah!
You like that, dude?
All right!
Darshan with the headshot!
D-man! My dog!
God damn it!
I said I had the shot!
Are you deaf, Darshan?
BriBri says,
"Drop and give me 20, soldier."
Take a fucking English class,
Darshan! Fuck!
DARSHAN: Enemy fire! Enemy fire!
BriBri, Darshan is on our team!
-Here comes Mama!
-(DARSHAN SCREAMS)
DUNCAN: Darshan,
take a power step!
Quickly! She's right behind you!
Whoa, whoa, BriBri! BriBri!
We're on your team!
We're on your team!
A team of liars!
All right, pack your bags.
DARSHAN: Why do you insist
everyone is lying?
No one is lying to you, BriBri.
Oh, shut up! Shut up!
-Shut up!
-(DOORBELL RINGS)
LEXI: You have a visitor
at the front entrance.
Don't let him in!
Don't let him in!
Don't let who in, BriBri?
BRIBRI: Boys, boys, boys!
Don't let him in!
Duncan, secure the game room!
I'll secure the foyer!
BriBri: You protect me!
You promised to protect me!
-You promised!
-I got eyes! I got eyes!
Can I help you?
Hey, uh, I'm here to pick up
my wife.
God damn it!
(MUFFLED
ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
I just want to say again,
you've done nothing wrong.
I mean, the woman is clearly
detached from reality.
Yeah,
we noticed something was off.
You noticed something was off?
No, I believe you.
Trust me, I believe you.
The woman is a complete
fabricator of lies, you know?
She enters a relationship
with the mindset of, you know,
"What can I gain
from this person?"
Ugh, that's unfortunate.
You know,
"How can I exploit this person?"
-Right.
-She's a master manipulator.
I liken her to the evil psychic
from Puppet Master,
you know,
played by Jimmie Skaggs.
You guys familiar
with that franchise?
The late Jimmie Skaggs,
I should say.
Jimmie Skaggs plays
this evil psychic
who uses his ability
to control people.
Kind of like a puppet master.
Abuses his power, I should say.
Okay, yeah, we'll definitely
check it out.
It's good.
It's interesting.
Well, is there anything else
we can do?
Just keep the authorities
out of this.
I think she just really wanted
to game with you guys.
You know, she's a little crazy,
but she means well.
You know, her heart's
in the right place.
(CAR HONKING)
Hey, her brain may not
be all there,
but her heart's
in the right place. (LAUGHING)
(ALL LAUGHING)
-Dad, we had no idea
that she was--
-Listen, I get it.
I think we all miss Mom.
And I admit,
this household has felt
a little out of step
since she passed away.
But we still have each other,
and that's the
most important thing.
She may be gone,
but she still lives on
in here
and here.
I can feel her, Dad.
It's warm
like Mom's beef minestrone.
I think you boys
have some bad guys to kill.
I'll clean up.
I think we've played enough
Call to the Battalion
for one night.
Unless
Lexi, play American Sniper
official soundtrack!
LEXI: Playing American Sniper
official soundtrack.
-(CONFIDENT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-(LAUGHING)
(CHOIR SINGING) ♪
My Lord and Savior ♪
Let us prepare our hearts
and extend peace to one another.
Please greet your neighbor.
-Peace be with you.
-Peace be with you.
Peace be with you.
PRIEST: May the blessing
of Almighty God,
the Father, the Son,
and the Holy Spirit
come upon you all
and remain with you forever.
-Mm.
-PRIEST: Amen.
(MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(GUN SHOT)
Enemy spotted, nine o'clock.
My nine o'clock,
my nine o'clock.
VOICE ASSISTANT LEXI:
Setting alarm for nine o'clock.
Lexi, off.
Lexi must have heard
Mom's spirit whispering again.
(ALL LAUGHING)
DARSHAN:
Help, I'm pinned, dudes, pinned.
Darshan,
we need your coordinates.
DARSHAN: Help, Jesus, help.
I-- Help!
Oh, Darshan's village
has the worst internet provider.
Darshan's a sitting duck.
BRIBRI005411: I got eyes,
I got eyes.
-Who is this?
-BRIBRI005411: Target down.
-What's going on over there?
BRIBRI005411: Another down.
Save some of the action for us,
BriBri0054--
BRIBRI005411: You boys
might want to fall back.
(VIBRATING)
Holy moly,
it's the Fourth of July.
BRIBRI005411:
I've got Darshan here,
but he's barely holding on.
TRISTAN: Duncan, med kit, stat.
BRIBRI005411:
Save yours, sweetheart.
I'm a registered nurse.
A nurse who knows her way
around a sniper rifle.
Okay,
I've officially seen it all now.
(ALL LAUGHING)
BRIBRI005411: Well,
I guess you could say
I've had a lot of time
on my hands lately.
So, are you retired, or?
BRIBRI005411: (LAUGHING)
I'm on disability.
-Like in a wheelchair?
-(BRIBRI005411 LAUGHING)
Oh, shit, you boys are a riot.
(CONTROLLERS VIBRATING)
TRISTIAN: So then BriBri
picked off this guy
on the water tower
and saved Darshan's butt
once again.
She was like, ch-chick-pow,
ch-chick-pow,
-ch-chick-pow.
-Oh. (LAUGHING)
Sounds like the D-Man will live
to fight another day.
Yeah, all thanks to BriBri.
BriBri's so funny.
With a laugh that could make
the world sing, Dad.
I see.
There's something special
about this one, Dad.
I can feel it.
I know it's been hard
on you boys
ever since Mom passed away.
We just want
the best for you, Dad.
We got Dad's date
all planned out.
Picture this, Jeanette.
A romantic candlelit dinner.
All the fixings.
And we're making
Dad's favorite dish.
Beef minestrone.
Mom's signature dish.
Dad's gonna cry so hard.
(CHUCKLES)
How did you meet
this woman again?
ALL: Call to the Battalion.
Hmm.
I'm reminded of the time
when I won the 2004
World Trick Shot Championship.
Wow, that's huge, Jeanette.
Before I knew it,
all of Hollywood's leading men
were banging down
my door for a date.
No way.
I need names.
Taye Diggs.
You went on a date
with Taye Diggs?
He said
he was a pool enthusiast,
so I figured, why not?
Why not, she says. Eh!
And I must say he was
an absolute gentleman.
He even took a salsa class
because he knew
I liked to dance.
Taye making us all look bad.
And let me tell you,
you haven't danced
until you've danced
on the rooftop
of Taye Diggs' penthouse.
The views were breathtaking.
That's incredible.
So where's the rock?
Eh, turns out pool was the only
thing we had in common.
Jeanette, I'm so sorry.
Oh, I was fine.
I had other men lined up
around the block.
Anthony LaPaglia
The point is,
people might seem like
a good fit in the beginning,
but just be careful.
Well, I think the fellas and I
are a pretty good judge
of character.
I mean, she's a nurse.
And BriBri, we're thinking
tres leches for dessert.
So come hungry.
BRIBRI005411:
Lower level secured.
Heading to the stairwell.
BriBri, do you have
any food allergies
we should know
about before your date?
BRIBRI005411: Oh God,
you know what?
The world needs more boys
like you three, you know that?
Well, we aim to please, BriBri.
DARSHAN: I too am very,
very excited for your date.
Darshan,
floor two is clear, correct?
DARSHAN: I will send you
my mother's chutney recipe.
It is very, very good.
-BRIBRI005411: Ah.
-BriBri!
BRIBRI005411: God damn it,
Darshan!
You said you cleared
the second floor!
Duncan, med kit!
BRIBRI005411:
You're a filthy liar, Darshan!
I mean, his internet's kind
of laggy, BriBri.
He didn't mean to hurt you.
BRIBRI005411: Boys, there are
bad people in this world.
Dangerous people.
Promise me you'll never
lie to me.
Promise.
ALL: We will never lie to you,
BriBri.
We must protect BriBri
at all costs.
Looks like
a couple more minutes.
Knife and fork on the right?
Wait, no, on the left.
-(DOORBELL RINGS)
-Crap, she's here!
Is it right or left, guys?
Duncan, look at me.
She's going to love it.
I just want everything
to be perfect for BriBri.
Well, mission accomplished then,
because this spread
looks amazing.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Places, everyone.
(INHALES, EXHALES)
Hey, did somebody call
for backup? (LAUGHS)
(ALL LAUGHING)
Why, hello.
Nice to meet you, Brianne.
The boys have told me
so much about you.
Please, call me BriBri.
Okay, then.
BriBri.
Where are our manners?
Please, won't you come inside?
Well, I feel underdressed.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Long story short, enemy fire
from all directions, right?
And here I am lugging around
a howitzer at crawl speed.
I'm like, what?
Oh, God, I remember that.
Keep in mind,
we forgot the bullets
in the busted up T-34.
Christ, that's right.
Well, that's why I was
dragging the freaking thing
in the first place.
(ALL LAUGHING)
DAD: Oh, gosh.
God, that's hilarious.
-Dad, what was that joke
you said on air the other day?
-That's good, that’s good.
You know what's a joke?
Me hauling
a one-ton artillery weapon
up a hillside.
I'm sure it was, BriBri.
Dad, what was that joke?
It's killing me.
Oh, Dad's the weatherman.
This guy can rattle off
sidesplitters like no one else.
God, it's killing me now.
Well, we'd been getting a lot
of humidity,
so one day I just said,
"I've been in swimming
pools drier than this."
(ALL LAUGHING)
I don't believe in weathermen.
So, BriBri, the boys tell me
you used to be a nurse.
I'm still a nurse,
like I told you.
I think what our dad's
trying to say is--
I don't want to hear
about the weather.
Everyone's always lying
about the weather.
LEXI: The weather
is partly cloudy.
Turn it off!
Those things are tracking me!
Oh, Lexi?
Nah, she probably just
heard our mom whispering again.
Uh.
Your mom whispering?
I'm not sure if we mentioned
this to you before, BriBri.
Our mom passed away
not too long ago.
So the fellas and I use humor
as a way of coping.
Just a silly little joke.
BriBri, tres leches, are you in?
I knew I felt a presence
the minute
I stepped foot in this house.
-Wait, seriously?
-BRIBRI: Oh, yes.
I can detect her spirit hovering
right in this area here.
Hey, she must really like
your cooking, am I right, boys?
(LAUGHING)
We're eating one of Mom's
favorite dishes right now.
It's okay, Dad.
Let it out.
Oh, angels talk to me
all the time.
I would have said
something earlier,
but most people think I'm crazy.
We would never
think you're crazy, BriBri.
On a happier note (LAUGHING)
I think that's your mom
telling us to play
some Call to the Battalion.
I've got to admit,
you're one hell
of a woman, BriBri.
-(GUN FIRES)
-(GUN SHOTS)
Whoa, let's move out, fellas.
Hey, BriBri, can you scootch
over a smidge?
It's a little tough
to see back here.
Here, BriBri, take a seat.
I can't sit.
Your TV sucks dick.
-What was that?
-I got eyes!
I got eyes!
I'm taking the shot!
DARSHAN: Yeah!
You like that, dude?
All right!
Darshan with the headshot!
D-man! My dog!
God damn it!
I said I had the shot!
Are you deaf, Darshan?
BriBri says,
"Drop and give me 20, soldier."
Take a fucking English class,
Darshan! Fuck!
DARSHAN: Enemy fire! Enemy fire!
BriBri, Darshan is on our team!
-Here comes Mama!
-(DARSHAN SCREAMS)
DUNCAN: Darshan,
take a power step!
Quickly! She's right behind you!
Whoa, whoa, BriBri! BriBri!
We're on your team!
We're on your team!
A team of liars!
All right, pack your bags.
DARSHAN: Why do you insist
everyone is lying?
No one is lying to you, BriBri.
Oh, shut up! Shut up!
-Shut up!
-(DOORBELL RINGS)
LEXI: You have a visitor
at the front entrance.
Don't let him in!
Don't let him in!
Don't let who in, BriBri?
BRIBRI: Boys, boys, boys!
Don't let him in!
Duncan, secure the game room!
I'll secure the foyer!
BriBri: You protect me!
You promised to protect me!
-You promised!
-I got eyes! I got eyes!
Can I help you?
Hey, uh, I'm here to pick up
my wife.
God damn it!
(MUFFLED
ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
I just want to say again,
you've done nothing wrong.
I mean, the woman is clearly
detached from reality.
Yeah,
we noticed something was off.
You noticed something was off?
No, I believe you.
Trust me, I believe you.
The woman is a complete
fabricator of lies, you know?
She enters a relationship
with the mindset of, you know,
"What can I gain
from this person?"
Ugh, that's unfortunate.
You know,
"How can I exploit this person?"
-Right.
-She's a master manipulator.
I liken her to the evil psychic
from Puppet Master,
you know,
played by Jimmie Skaggs.
You guys familiar
with that franchise?
The late Jimmie Skaggs,
I should say.
Jimmie Skaggs plays
this evil psychic
who uses his ability
to control people.
Kind of like a puppet master.
Abuses his power, I should say.
Okay, yeah, we'll definitely
check it out.
It's good.
It's interesting.
Well, is there anything else
we can do?
Just keep the authorities
out of this.
I think she just really wanted
to game with you guys.
You know, she's a little crazy,
but she means well.
You know, her heart's
in the right place.
(CAR HONKING)
Hey, her brain may not
be all there,
but her heart's
in the right place. (LAUGHING)
(ALL LAUGHING)
-Dad, we had no idea
that she was--
-Listen, I get it.
I think we all miss Mom.
And I admit,
this household has felt
a little out of step
since she passed away.
But we still have each other,
and that's the
most important thing.
She may be gone,
but she still lives on
in here
and here.
I can feel her, Dad.
It's warm
like Mom's beef minestrone.
I think you boys
have some bad guys to kill.
I'll clean up.
I think we've played enough
Call to the Battalion
for one night.
Unless
Lexi, play American Sniper
official soundtrack!
LEXI: Playing American Sniper
official soundtrack.
-(CONFIDENT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-(LAUGHING)