Level Up (2012) s01e08 Episode Script

Alrighty, Scofield Dungeon.
Now, we have no idea
what's in here, so, Wizza,
get us any
shielding spells ready.
- Got this.
- I'll lay down
suppressive fire,
pop off a few rounds of
tranquilizer bees.
Bickle, you take the lead on
this one, tank this thing.
All right, finally someone
values my complete disregard
for personal safety.
Just stay alive.
This is all riding on you.
Um, right.
[groans]
Let's kick it!
The righteous fury
of Skull Cracker
will rain down upon you!
Dante!
I need you to help me
clean out the spare room.
Okay, just one second.
I gotta finish this for class.
It's the signing of the
Constitution with dinosaurs.
What say you, Sir Benjamin
Frankli-saurus?
Well I hope I don't get
struck by lightning again.
Hmm.
It's a level 72
Habanero Dragon!
My acid reflux spells are
useless! Bickle, do something!
Dante!
Okay, I can't move that
drum set all by myself.
Not my drums.
Where is Fart School
Confidential going to practice?
- Who?
- My band?
Fart School Confidential,
formally known as Dura-smell.
Your band hasn't
practiced in a year.
We're just taking a break
to pursue solo projects.
Your only solo project is
cleaning out the spare room
so I have a place to do yoga.
Let's go!
I'm on fire!
He set us on fire!
- Dante!
- [sighs]
- This server
is completely borked.
- What's up, Wyatt?
I'm trying to patch
corrupted ISP servers
from Daventry Hills.
It's bad enough having
to deal with game leaks.
We don't have to add leaks
from the whole Internet
to our plate as well.
Completely borked.
- You can't fix it
- [cans clatter]
just like you can't fix
my broken heart.
You have to stop sleeping here.
We do not have a shower.
- I don't mind.
- We do.
There's no reason to shower.
My supermodel girlfriend
dumped me.
Max, you only dated
the girl for two weeks.
You never even learned
her name.
Our relationship
transcended names.
Those were the best
two weeks of my life.
She said I was vain
and condescending.
I told her,
"You're breaking up
"with the most beautiful man
you'll ever meet,
you 'imbedolt,'"
but it was too late.
[sniffs]
- Dante.
- Wow.
Let's get sandwiches again.
Your treat.
Maybe some fancy ham
will fill the void in my soul.
What's-her-face
was my everything.
Now I have nothing,
nothing but my
multi-billion-dollar
software company,
my mansion, this plane,
that dinosaur, these things.
- [gags]
- Boards and gadgets.
I am fearing for my safety
and my sanity.
Hey, what happened
to you last night?
You just stood there
while that dragon
turned us into chimichangas.
- Yeah.
- My mom was going psycho.
She wants me to move my band's
entire practice space
so she put in, like,
a Zen garden or something.
I thought Fart School
Confidential had broken up.
The band is just on hiatus
until I can find replacements
for everyone who quit.
Ever since my dad left,
my mom has rearranged
the house on a weekly basis.
- First it was scrap booking--
- [metal clattering]
then salsa dancing,
Bonsai trees, bird watching.
Ha!
Maybe that's
what I need to do--
rearrange my life.
I can't take being alone
in my gigantic palatial estate.
I should sell it
and move in here,
be miserable with you guys.
- Ugh.
- That is a great idea
that we can't do
anything about
because you own the warehouse.
All right, listen.
I've obviously
never been dumped, but--
Obviously, neither have I,
because I've never
had a girlfriend.
- Yeah.
- The never-been-dumped club.
What?
Anyway, I've heard
that the best medicine
for a broken heart
is just get out there
and start dating again.
It was on a card I gave
to a girl I broke up with.
That won't be a problem.
Look at me. I'm perfect.
[buzzing]
I think we're going
to need some help.
In your current state,
I think Internet dating
would be your best bet.
Let's sign you up
for Hopelessly Single.
If you don't find a date
within the first 30 days,
they send you a cat.
Okay, name.
Max Ross.
"People describe
my looks as"
A miracle of genetics.
A modern-day Adonis.
You can grate cheese on my--
All right, I'm going
to put athletic.
- "My best qualities are"
- Everything.
I'm so brilliant that the
government's trying to get
inside my brain.
[whispering]
But I keep them out
with my tinfoil-lined hats.
Shhh
I am confident and have
an avid interest in
alternative medicine.
"Uh, I like to spend
my free time"
Locked inside my mansion
counting my money
and working on my zombie
apocalypse plan,
which is to stay locked
inside my mansion.
Enjoying the wonders
of the world and having fun
with other positive-thinking
human beings.
Write what I say.
You're saying craziness.
"My hobbies include"
Video games.
Rock climbing.
Okay. All we need now
is a profile pic.
Smile!
Well, if women aren't
interested,
the police might be.
Finito.
Now sit, stay, and the ladies
will be flocking in no time.
[snoring]
Hey, those pants chafe,
so the joke's on you buddy.
Man, my mom
is still on my back.
Now she wants me to disassemble
my clothes sphere.
Clothes sphere?
All my dirty clothes
have sort of congealed
into this giant sphere of
fabric.
Why don't you
just clean it up?
Can it be that bad
if it'll make your mom happy?
If I start making her happy,
she'll start expecting things.
I cannot deal with
that kind of pressure.
Hello, hello, hello!
Dante, Lyle, Wyatt.
What's with all
this negative energy?
We thought you
still might be upset
about your life being over
because your girlfriend
dumped you.
Life's too short to be bummed.
Are you feeling okay?
I have never felt better.
I'm happy, healthy,
and thanks
to Hopelessly Single,
I even have a date tonight.
Wow.
Flaxseed anyone?
Hey, I read Daventry Sports
has a sweet new
rock climbing wall.
Let's have an IRL
adventure for a change.
Let's all go rock climbing.
[rock]
On belay, my good man.
Yo, Max is more than Max.
- He's maxed out.
- Yeah.
Are we done?
If I jump, will that guy
take me all the way down?
Nothin' but the best for
my numero uno compadres.
Wear the helmets home
if you want.
They're yours to keep.
Sweet!
I'm totally sleeping in this.
Someone's taking the railing
off their bed tonight.
[laughter]
Okay, well, nobody
answered my question,
so I'm just gonna go for it.
We're not done with the fun.
Right, guys?
I had a stack of pizzas
delivered to the top
of this wall,
so let's climb.
Pizza on top of the wall?
That's classy.
Now, there's no doubt that
eating on a wall is classy,
but don't you think
Max is acting a little--
- Awesome?
- Brodacious?
No, and not a word,
no matter how often you use it.
I was going to say weird.
Hey, if him buying us stuff
and acting nice is weird,
then I'm all for weird.
Guys, this pineapple
and ham is awesome.
Yes!
Woo-hoo!
[doorbell rings]
Could you please
get that, sweetie?
Thank you.
Sweetie?
Good evening, Dante.
Max. What's up?
Did you forget your
ropey-clampy thing?
It's called a carabiner.
Oh, no.
I'm here for my date.
Max, I'm very flattered,
but how do I say this
without hurting you?
I like you as a friend.
Hi, Max.
- Nice clothes.
- Thank you.
Flowers?
Did someone die?
We're going on a date.
That's way worse!
You, in.
You, out.
You're going
on a date with Max Ross?
He is an eccentric billionaire
who dates supermodels--
- [gasps]
- not ladies who
live in this house
and yell at me
to clean my room.
Well, I am a person, too.
And I like to go
out and have fun.
And Max is
a very charming man.
You two have nothing in common.
He created the game
that you never want me to play.
Well, according to
Hopelessly Single,
we are a 110% match.
Let me tell you
something, Barbara.
I'm rockin' a D+ in math,
so I'm pretty confident
that's impossible.
[knocks on door]
Oh. Jiggle it.
- Jiggle.
- There we go.
Good evening, Barbara.
Wow, thank you.
Those are nice.
[gasps]
Ginkgo biloba.
It's my favorite
as I recall.
[chuckles]
Have a good night.
Wow!
- This is yours?
- Yeah.
[door closes]
[giggles]
Bye.
Max and your mom?
It's crazy.
And this level 40
Statling Ogre is crazy.
Come on, stay frosty, guys.
Stay frosty?
My world is imploding, Wyatt.
Hey, you could wind up the
stepson of a billionaire.
You could bathe in money,
if you bathe.
So Max is charming now,
but 24 hours ago he was
the most annoying person alive?
Something strange is going on.
It's like a comic book
crossover.
Momzilla and Max-a-tron united
to destroy one innocent boy.
This ends tonight.
Aww.
[gasps]
Do you know how late it is?
I called you three times.
Why didn't you pick up?
[loud guitar]
Oh! Um
I'm sorry. I was just
I was having such
a wonderful time.
We went for dinner
and rock climbing.
- Rock climbing?
- Yeah.
Look, I don't like you hanging
out with this Max character.
- He's a bad influence.
- Oh.
Well, you're not my father,
so you can't
tell me what to do.
Uh, I know.
You're my mother.
And if you keep dating Max,
then I'm not moving my drums
out of the spare room.
That's fine.
And I'm keeping
my clothes sphere.
- Suit yourself.
- I will.
I will suit myself in armor,
and I'll host a jousting
tournament in the living room.
Well, that's nice, honey.
But last night, the thought
of Max and your mom together
made you want to vomit up
your spleen.
Turns out
when my mom is happy,
she completely forgets
to make my life miserable.
It's awesome.
He's really changed, by the way.
He's into all
this new stuff like--
Exploring the wonders of the
world while having fun
with other positive-thinking
human beings?
Boom. Exactly.
Wait.
That sounds familiar.
Max's new persona
is word-for-word the profile
Angie created online.
And look, the pic is gone.
I think her fake Max
leaked out.
That's not good.
Angie's fake version
of Max leaked out.
That explains his obsession
with rock climbing.
It's the only hobby
that she gave him.
She? You guys were there, too.
Don't put this all on me.
It was those corrupted servers.
Great.
Now we have Internet leaks
to deal with too.
We need to go to Max's.
If he's a leak,
we got to take care of it.
Or
Or we don't.
Let's compare, shall we?
New Max, fun and outgoing.
Old Max, weird hermit
who talks to money.
He's a leak, Dante.
- He's not real.
- So?
He makes my mom happy,
all right?
That makes me happy.
Can't we all live
with a little fake person
from the Internet
co-existing in our reality?
- No!
- No!
Reason number 207
we should keep Internet Max.
Internet Max buys us pizza.
Real Max threw a full can
of soda at my head.
Let's split up.
We'll check inside.
Dante, you get the perimeter.
Max?
Are you real
or from the Internet?
It's hard to say.
What's your stance
on rock climbing?
I hate it.
What are you doing?
My digital doppelganger
locked me in here.
It's not locked.
Oh.
Well, what do you know?
Dante!
Hey, guys.
Did you find anything?
- Nothing.
- Anything out here?
Nothing in here.
Just some rusty old tool.
Well, we tried, you know.
We should just go,
get on with our lives.
I'm good.
Well, he wasn't anywhere near
Max's frozen yogurt machine.
Guys.
You've shown up at my mansion
completely uninvited.
What a wonderful surprise.
I have some great news.
I've decided to shut down
Conqueror of All Worlds.
I think people are
spending too much time
conquering all worlds,
and not enough time
conquering this world.
I thought of that on the wall.
What do you think?
That's the worst idea ever.
He's gotta go.
[gasps]
What's the matter, Dante?
Don't you want people to live
life to the fullest?
[straining] Yes.
Living would be ideal.
Shutting down the game
is only the beginning.
I'm leveling your HQ
and turning it into
a cranberry bog
because cranberries are full of
anti-oxidants, and you're not.
Hey, I hate to cut
this hang sesh short,
but I have a date
with Barbara.
Five it out.
No? Nothing?
Okay, let's split up and keep
looking for real Max.
I'll take the utility room
again.
Oh, Max, who I must've not seen
when I was carefully checking
the utility room.
Nobody messes with
my primary revenue stream
or my yogurt machine.
We gotta stop me.
You go do that.
I'll stay here and make sure
that the me that you stop
is the right me,
which is not me.
Oh.
[chuckles]
This is so romantic, Maxwell.
This restaurant is exquisite.
I would love to throw
a grappling hook
over that fireplace.
[laughs]
Really?
I see them.
Come over here. Come on!
Okay, some people saw me but not
the one's we're worried about.
Listen up, my theory is,
if we alter Max's
dating profile online,
it should in turn change
the leaked version of Max.
Angie, you made Max
the coolest date in the world.
Now you get to make him
the worst.
Gee, wherever will I
get ideas for that?
No clue, but do it.
My mom will dump him,
and we'll delete him.
[laughter]
That's why I named
the kitten Señor Muffin Face.
That is an amazing cat story.
- Yeah.
- Ha.
Okay. Let's bring back
the Max Ross self-obsession.
My interests include me,
my billions of dollars,
and me.
- I did his whiskers, too.
- You did?
Yeah, I used Sharpies,
and I did them the color
of the Mexican flag.
I don't think he liked it,
though. Rowr!
It's funny,
your cat story reminds me
of how I'm a rich
billionaire genius
who doesn't care.
Excuse me, but it was
a very sad day
when Señor Muffin Face
ran away.
He probably left because you
told him a boring story
about some dumb cat.
Yes! Yes!
Okay, now make him
a super slob.
Think, Dante.
I have a moral opposition
to silverware.
Whoo!
[growling]
It's working. More, more.
Shirts make me itch
uncontrollably,
the government put bees
inside my brain,
and I'm afraid
of tablecloths!
[yelps]
[screams]
[loud crash]
There's a beehive
inside my mind.
There's bees in his head.
He thinks there's bees
in his head.
They're harvesting my brain
nectar for the Pentagon.
Get out of my mind!
What are you doing?
I'm sorry, I don't think that
this is going to work out.
And it-- No, it's not me.
It's totally you.
You're a lunatic.
Wait!
They're stinging my dreams!
- And I hate rock climbing.
- Come back.
You! You did this to me!
Relationship status over.
[chuckles]
Oh, that's great.
What's wrong?
I don't know.
My mom had actually found
someone she liked,
and I just deleted him
from existence.
He made her happy.
He wasn't real.
He also did try to choke Dante
and I on several occasions.
Anyone notice that?
No?
Okay.
Dante!
Oh!
How was your date?
I don't think we're going
to go on a third date.
Max's mood swings
are a little extreme.
I'm sorry, Mom.
You deserve someone
better than that.
Eh, it's probably
for the best.
Oh.
[gasps]
- [sitar]
-[gasps]
Nice job in here. You--
Wait, you even got rid
of your T-shirt ball.
Clothes sphere.
Clothes sphere.
It's all ready for yoga-ing.
Thanks, Dante.
Really.
But tomorrow,
we are cleaning out the shed
to make a greenhouse,
so rest up.
I'll never let her
get you, old chum.