Maron (2013) s01e08 Episode Script

So, every week, I get a new roommate.
But the problem is not only are they eating my cereal, you know, hogging the bathroom annoying They're also monsters.
God damn it.
You know, werewolf, vampire, sasquatch.
Everybody loves monsters.
What are you babbling about, man? My web series "monster roommate.
" I wanted to book you for a cameo for the first episode.
No.
Not gonna happen.
No.
Definitely not.
Not my thing.
Cool.
Where the hell are my Nicotine lozenges.
Bookcase, top shelf.
Thanks, radar.
Nothing? "M.
A.
S.
H.
"? Television show? Alan alda? Korean war? What are you, 5?! "M.
A.
S.
H.
" Aubrey's here.
Yes! Okay.
Relax.
Okay.
I need you to do a solid for me.
Your wish is my command.
- First, stop doing that.
- Okay.
Second, clean the cat litter box.
Okay? Thanks, buddy.
Thank you.
Oh, don't even do that.
I'm super allergic, by the way.
Yeah, I don't care.
Won't fall for it you can't see and you can't tell I just can't drink from the poisoned well I guess it's because of the characters I play.
People think I'm, like, aloof and hate people, but I actually like people.
I like friends.
I know that sounded sarcastic, but I meant it.
I only need two friends.
Yeah, like, I need the main guy, and the guy I go to when I emotionally drain the main guy.
Wow.
I know you're kidding, but I actually believe you.
But you know what? Relationships are the same way.
I mean, I put everything I had into, like, two marriages, and Well, I could have put a little more into the first one.
But, you know, I'm spent.
I'll own that.
Really? Yep.
You don't want to, like, fall in love again and get married and have fat, gross babies? You make it sound so good.
But, no, for me, right now, it's just intense bouts of drama followed by angry sex that lead to mutual resentment.
And quite honestly, how many years before I get cancer anyway? I don't know, three? I'm sorry.
That was a rhetorical question, wasn't it? Thank you.
Okay.
You're good? Yeah.
That was really fun.
I'm gonna go home now and freak out about all the stuff I just admitted to.
Oh, hold up.
I want to get a photo.
I always take pictures with every guest.
Hey, Kyle? Can you come out here with the camera and can we do the photo? Okay.
Uh, he's odd, but he keeps me very organized.
Kyle, come outside please with the camera.
This is Aubrey.
Hi.
You're the best part of "parks and recreation.
" Hands down, the best.
Aww, thanks.
Seriously, the rest of the cast is complete shit.
You deserve your own spin-off where you just do whatever you feel like doing.
Okay, as much as Aubrey likes standing here sweating in the driveway, could we do the photo? Sure.
Sure.
Thank you.
Good with the camera? Mm-hmm.
All right.
Here we go.
Good.
Great.
You know what? Hold it.
Let's just get one more, just in case.
Okay.
Okay.
You know? There we go.
These are amazing.
All right, good.
Smile.
Or or don't.
Either way.
Just either way, you're beautiful.
God, you're all right.
All right.
All right.
Enough.
Okay? Good? Okay.
Yep.
All right.
Thanks, Aubrey.
Thank you.
Thanks, Marc.
Yeah, you bet.
What the hell, man? You cut me out of all these pictures with Aubrey.
Sorry.
I know, like, I seemed totally cool out there.
But inside, I was freaking out.
I mean, it was Aubrey Plaza.
I know, but you said the same thing last week with Amy poehler.
You got to chill out around these female guests.
I'm not exactly captain charm with regular girls, and now I'm mingling with nerd-goddess royalty.
And I'm blowing it.
Okay, relax, will you? All right? I can help you out with this.
Really? That would be amazing.
Yeah.
What do you got? Pickup lines? Negs? I want to know everything, please.
Who do I look like, fonzie? Nothing? Really? Fonzie? "He-e-y.
" Nothing? The bear? Huh? The bear? Look, I got no tricks, but I can tell you this.
You've got to stop treating these women like they're artifacts up on pedestals.
You have to engage on a real level.
You don't have to type this.
You know what? Type it.
There might be some gold here.
Okay, what was I saying? Girls.
Right.
They're just people.
They're they're horny, scared, angry, bitter people just like me and you.
I'm not like that.
Okay, just like me.
Hang out.
"Hey, you.
Remember me from our sexfest weekend?" You remember that girl I met in Phoenix? Of course.
You had sex with her.
It's an amazing story.
All right.
Watch me work.
"Hey.
"Good to hear from you.
Hope you're well.
" You see? See how that went? See how I interacted? I didn't sweat her.
I wasn't acting like a dick.
I was just being myself.
Oh, look.
Right there.
"Just want to let you know I'm moving to L.
A.
" Whoa, that totally worked.
Shh.
No, wait a minute.
"This has nothing to do with you.
I'm not a stalker.
Can't wait to see you.
" Shit! What? She said she's not a stalker.
Yeah, that's exactly the first thing every stalker says.
This is horrendous, man.
I thought you said you liked her.
I do like her in Phoenix.
Oh, my god.
All right.
All right.
What do we do? What do we do? We call.
Right, we call? Obvious move.
Call.
Always call.
Yeah, call.
Hey, Jen.
Yeah, it's mark.
This, uh This whole moving to L.
A.
all of a sudden? Not a good idea.
No, it's I've been here for a week, and you haven't even No.
No, you listen.
You li you're creeping me out, all right? Don't come down here and screw up my life! I'm hanging up now.
Don't move here, stalker! Don't move here! What, are you kidding me? Holy shit.
Whoa, she's crazy hot.
Oh, I don't believe this.
I'm not here.
You have to deal with this.
Oh, no, I can't.
Yes, you've got to.
No, I'm the worst liar.
I get this weird little singsong voice.
It's your job! She'll see right through me.
Oh, shut up! Quit being a baby! Go do it! Good "afternoont.
" Hi.
Um, is maron around? Sorry.
He is gone now.
Took boomer to the vet.
Uh, ringworm? So Marc.
Um, I'm Jen, by the way.
Uh, Kyle, his producing partner.
Assistant.
Uh, uh, I've heard a ton about you.
Oh, yeah? You have? Awesome.
All good things, I hope.
Oh, my gosh.
The best things.
It's like "beautiful Jen" this and "man, you have beautiful eyes" that.
Ohh.
Maybe I should just go get lunch and come back then? Oh, yeah.
Try schodorf's down on York.
Mark and I usually go there and split a Turkey club and a Greek salad.
It's really nice.
Cool.
You want to come? Well, you know what? No, because I have to just help mark assistant-produce some things.
I thought he wasn't here.
Good point.
Let's go.
All right.
Jesus Christ.
Hey, Kyle.
Did you have a nice lunch? Yeah.
Guess what.
I can finish a whole Turkey club all by myself.
Aww.
Who's a big boy? I am.
Uh-huh.
Hello? Hey, maron.
Wow, it's a cool place.
It's exactly how I pictured it.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Is boomie okay? Uh, yeah.
Yeah, he's fine.
He's fine.
Oh, my god.
You're so right.
What? It's just that Kyle was doing this impression of you at lunch, and he totally nailed how you you pull on your mustache like that.
It's really Really? You're like an 18th-century villain.
That's hilarious.
Yeah, maybe you can open for me sometime.
Oh, my god.
I would be so honored.
Shut up.
I, uh, you know I'm glad you guys had a nice lunch, but I-I meant what I said.
You know, between the show and touring, I really don't have time for any sort of dating stuff.
Gotcha.
Yeah.
Loud and clear.
Okay.
Um, so, are we still on for that double feature at the new Beverly later? You can tell me more about "monster roommate.
" I don't think I can.
I got to finish up this mailing.
Actually, it looks like Marc knocked out a ton of it.
So, yeah, it's a date! I mean, not a date.
Exactly.
Right.
So, um, it was good to see you, and good luck with life.
Yeah.
And I will see you later, so it's gonna be great.
Okay.
All right.
Yeah.
Bye.
Bye! It's great.
H-have a good day.
Yeah.
You, too.
She's so c Thanks for dealing with it.
Look, I'm not one of those "kids today" type of old guys.
And I think one of the reasons is I don't have children, so on some level, I'm still, like I don't know 20, 21 years old.
When did young people get so entitled? I mean, I'm not saying I wasn't cocky when I was younger.
I was, but it was different then.
I mean, back in the day, we were selfish and entitled with very few resources and absolutely no social networking.
All right.
All right.
Maybe I'm being a little harsh.
But they will be humbled.
T-the realities of life will bear down upon them eventually and they will have to take responsibility for themselves, learn how to work hard, learn how to deal with disappointment and failure.
You know, just be damn adults.
I did it.
I mean, it took a while.
You know, it happened I don't know Maybe a couple months ago.
A month ago, maybe.
You know what? This morning, all right? This morning.
I guess what I'm saying is I'm having a grown-up day, and I've had it with these punks.
This is ridiculous.
It's only been 30 minutes.
I can't believe I'm gonna sit in the tub for an hour and walk around with wet pants all day just 'cause some clerk said that's how you get the best fit.
The guy had a handlebar mustache.
It's ridiculous.
Why would I take his advice about anything? I don't know.
Are they taking? Anything at all? Are there What is it now? What is it, a baby on a roller coaster or a masturbating gorilla What's happening? Oh, no.
Just an I.
M.
From my friend made me I-m-f-a-o.
Oh, a friend, huh? You're not still hanging out with Jen, are you? I'm not not hanging out with her.
Don't say I didn't tell you so.
She's a little crazy.
You know what? She's not crazy.
Come on.
She came down here for me.
Mm, I don't think so.
Oh, really? You don't think so? What are you? Are you the chick expert now? No, but I'm pretty sure she moved here for her new job.
Oh, did they run out of Barnes & nobles in San Francisco? No, no, her job job as a behavioral modification instructor For autistic kids.
Huh.
Yeah, I think she mentioned autistic kids to me once.
I wasn't listening, though.
Yeah, well, she took a job with the L.
A.
school system.
Wow.
That's pretty cool.
Yeah.
That doesn't change the fact that she's using you.
I know it's only been a week, but I think we've become really good friends.
She's using you to get to me.
No, she's not.
She has a boyfriend, so Who? Just some comedian.
What?! I should not have said anything.
A comedian? Are you serious? What's his name? I don't know.
Liar! Whose side are you on? No one's side.
I swear.
No, wrong answer.
You're on my side because I'm your friend.
Jen's my friend.
Spill it! Brian.
Brian burkman is his name.
Brian burkman.
Brian burkman.
Stupid name.
Oh, look at this guy.
So, I mean, Facebook.
Everybody's on Facebook, right? Boy, I love that.
Boy.
They should go with buttbook.
That's more like it, right? Buttbook.
Hmm.
Hey, baby, I'm sure you're really beautiful on the inside, but, you know, let's see you on your backside.
You know what I mean? Buttbook.
I like that.
Not gay.
Still like butts, though.
Not gay, you know? What's his point of view? Who is this guy, really? You know who I'd really love to see in that oval office? Christopher walken.
Can you imagine that? Hey, my fellow Americans.
Wow, does anyone do a Christopher walken impression? I think everybody does.
Wow! Jack Nicholson.
Hey, siri.
I need some directions.
You want directions? You can't handle the directions! He-e-e-re's siri! This guy is talentless.
He's a hack.
He-e-e-re's siri! What, are Are you laughing at this? Oh! What are you laughing at? I mean, it's actually a pretty accurate impression.
Daniel day-Lewis and honey boo boo.
What if they had a baby, hmm? Can you imagine that? I will drink your milkshake.
Mommy, I want a milkshake! Ma! I will drink my milkshake! Moron.
Where's your humanity? I want a milksh Hey, it's Marc.
Hi.
Hi.
Welcome.
It's not bad for a crash pad, right? And it's convenient, too.
It's within walking distance of, like, 50 Korean restaurants, which you can't get in burlingame.
Did you get here okay? Do you think he's funny? Who? Brian burkman.
Right.
I figured that might get back to you.
Oh, I bet you did.
So, we hung out.
So what? Look, I don't care what you did with that open miker.
Do you think he's funny? Oh, you're jealous.
That's so cute.
You do like me.
Don't change the subject.
'Cause if you think that guy's funny, we have nothing more to talk about.
Hey, Jen! Redbox didn't have anything with Ryan gosling, s What the hell is he doing here? We're doing the roommate thing.
This is unbelievable.
Why didn't you say anything? I didn't want to piss you off like this.
Uh, but she needed a place to crash and I needed help with the rent.
Enough.
I need to talk to you alone, privately.
Okay.
Sure.
Wow.
I-I got "salmon fishing in the Yemen" with Ewan McGregor.
So, I guess this is Kyle's masturbation chamber? Yep.
And I sleep here.
Where the hell does he sleep? On the futon.
Well, except for a few nights ago when it was really hot outside, so we slept head-to-toe under the air conditioner.
Unbelievable.
Kyle and I are friends.
Yeah, like you and Brian are friends? No.
I definitely had sex with Brian.
Oh, god! Really?! But you don't think he's funny, right? That's none of your business.
Oh, you'll tell me you had sex with him, but you won't tell me if you think he's funny?! Oh, my god! Why do you even care?! I don't understand! You don't want to date me! I've been here for a week! And you haven't even picked up the phone! That's 'cause you're manipulating me, and I hate being manipulated! You were shutting me out.
See, you were manipulating me! Well, how else was I supposed to see you? Oh, for Christ's sake! Even if you weren't crazy, I'm almost twice your age.
Nothing good can come from us dating.
We're together, how long before you resolve your daddy issues and take off? Well, I don't know, daddy.
You tell me.
God, could you just relax, okay? This isn't your show.
You're just scared.
No shit, I'm scared! You're my worst nightmare! You've got problems! I've got more problems! Oh, god! I don't need the drama right now! Just shut up! Just shut up! Just stop talking! Ahh.
Okay.
Oh! Oh! Oh, god.
Ahh! Oh! Right there! Oh! Oh! Don't stop! don't stop! Um, I'm tired of waiting, guys.
Oh, yeah! Yeah! I'm gonna start the movie, okay? Ohh! Ahh, I hate you.
Okay, it's starting.
I hate you.
I'm starting.
It's starting now.
I hate you.
I hate you! I hate you! Holy shit.
Wow.
I guess she was right.
I do care about her.
God damn it.
What am I getting myself into? I don't know, but I wish you'd get into it somewhere else.
Oh, you heard that, huh? Yeah, my parents heard that, and they're in Cleveland.
I was skyping with them.
Look, I haven't even had sex in my bed yet, man.
Look, the fact that I had sex in your bed is the only thing saving your job right now.
You ate all the chips.
You're the reason I'm in this situation.
Letting her move in right under my nose.
I mean, what happened to the brotherhood? Have you ever seen a peckinpah movie? No.
Really? "The wild bunch"? No? There are rules to buddies.
Oh, are we buddies? Between lying for you and changing your kitty litter, sometimes I forget.
That's what buddies do.
Yeah, for each other, maybe, but maron ave.
Is a one-way street.
You know, you pick on me in front of the guests.
You talk down to me all the time.
You don't even follow me on Twitter.
This is just classic generation "y" entitlement bullshit.
I don't owe you anything.
I'm your boss.
Right.
So you're not my friend.
You're my boss and a bully and a freaking jerk.
You know, you play the friendship card when it's convenient, but otherwise, I'm just some employee to you.
All right, well, actually, you're not, 'cause you're fired.
I'm fired.
I'm I'm fired? Oh, god, no.
What will I do without the fat paycheck, incredible health benefits, and workplace comradery? That's right.
I have none of those things.
I'm fired? I quit! By the way, that was super quick.
I tried "monkey.
" I tried "boomer.
" I tried "lafonda.
" Those are all the possible passwords.
How can I access the account? How can I sell merch? How can I get help if I have a tech guy that doesn't know anything? How did you get in here? Kyle gave me his keys.
No, I wasn't talking to you.
No, I Don't put me on hold.
Don't god damn it.
Hey, help yourself.
I need my strength.
We have a big afternoon of apartment hunting.
Oh, shit.
I can't do that today.
It was your idea.
I know, but I'm swamped.
I got website problems.
I got this huge mailing.
I can't find my nicotine lozenges.
I got to hire a new assistant.
Or you could just apologize.
For what? I don't want that idiot back.
And don't make me feel guilty.
It's your fault I'm in this position.
Whoa, no.
don't blame me.
You pitted us against each other.
You led him on.
Oh, please.
I mean, for the first five minutes, maybe, but no.
Kyle and I are friends.
We are.
Look, I am fixing him up with one of my co-workers, and and I'm helping him with his web series.
And he listens to me vent about you, and he's helping me find an apartment.
It's classic give-and-take.
That is what a friendship is.
He went behind my back.
And it brought us closer together.
Yeah, well, I'm not clear if that's a good thing or a bad thing.
You are a grown man, and he looks up to you.
So you should apologize.
Where is he? You can call me in the middle of the night and for a little while I might tell you everything hey.
Hey, man.
Kyle! And if you want, we can start a little dream you must be here for the barbecue, 'cause I know we have nothing to say to each other.
Oh, come on.
Is this is this what you went to college for? Look, man.
I don't know what to tell you.
It's great exercise.
I get free buffet access.
People love me.
All right.
All right.
Just let's just Just stop for a second.
All right? I'm on the clock, brother.
Sorry, it's called being a professional.
Look, I'm sorry.
I just came to say that I need you back.
There's stuff piling up at the house.
I apologize for having sex in your bed.
I should have had it on the comforter.
It was wrong.
And I want you to come back to work.
That's all you got? Really? IWant you Back.
What do you want from me? D-I-I-I-I-I-ie! Well, the good news is count ciro is dead.
The bad news is, we probably just lost our deposit and we need a new roommate.
I think that I've already found a replacement on craigslist.
Wow, it's Marc maron! I love your podcast! We have Wi-Fi and underground parking.
What about brains? Brains? He doesn't replace the milk.
I am so glad this'll just disappear into some corner of the Internet with what's his name's bad impressions.
Actually, we may have hit the zeitgeist jackpot.
This thing could go viral, people! Sub by mercurian2007, synced by santibone