Mr. D (2012) s01e08 Episode Script

1
Okay, let me get this straight, Mr. Dwyer
takes all the senior students to New York,
but you three don't go.
The greatest city on the planet
your senior year. Lewis, why would
- you not go to New York City?
- Detention.
Detention, nice.
Three day trip to the greatest city
in the world and you got
a detention. What about you?
- Failing math.
- Because you're failing math,
I gotta come in on my spare
and cover this class for three days
when I got lots
of stuff I could be doing.
- What's your excuse?
- I have to be here for my dialysis.
What did you get a detention for?
- Uniform infraction.
- Don't do that.
Hey, looks like you
had a big party at your
- house last night.
- No, I was marking all night.
I know, that was a bit of sarcasm.
See you in a
little bit. Stuff to do.
Mr. Duncan!
Oh, hey, sir.
This is a list of every
teacher in the school
who has yet to submit a guest
speaker for tomorrow's career
day. Look whose name is on it.
Just one name though,
that's not really a list.
- Gerry Duncan.
- Exactly.
Wow, I had my guest speaker
submitted weeks ago.
Good for you - Yeah.
You know, we take career
day pretty seriously around here.
- Last year Paul Dwyer got us an astronaut.
- Wow.
This year he's got someone even more
spectacular I hear. Not that I expect you
- to get us an astronaut.
- Okay, well, there's not
really a lot of astronauts
working right now.
- But get us someone.
- Yeah, I'm working on it.
- I'm trying and I will.
- By the end of the day.
Okay, that's plenty of time.
- Tick tock.
- Make it stop.
You want me to take a list
that has just one name on it?
- Thank you.
- Wow, you really need a speaker.
- Yeah, no kidding. Who do you have?
- I have a great guest speaker.
He works at a homeless shelter.
Yeah, see? That's
not a good guest speaker.
- It's inspiring.
- Wow, that's depressing.
That's good stuff.
- If you kill it, refill it.
- What?
Coffee, I always
have to make the coffee.
And that takes you what?
30 seconds out of your busy day?
I am just as
busy as everyone else.
You're just as busy as everyone else?
You're the librarian.
You sign books out.
You are, you are very
funny, Mr. Duncan.
See, no one even knows what
Morning everyone. FYI,
there is a bad flu going
around the school,
so expect some absences.
But whatever you do,
please don't send your sick students
- in my direction.
- Here we go.
Big weekend planned
and I don't want to miss even
a second of it frat guys,
once a year we all get together
- and things get pretty wild.
- You were in a frat?
I'm gonna go,
I'm gonna come crash it.
No, you're not.
You weren't in the frat so
the fun would be lost on you.
Doesn't matter, I know
the frat handshake.
- That's impossible, it's a secret.
- No, secret's out. See you.
Trudy, can you please
print some permission slips?
'Cause I for one am giving
myself permission to go
- crazy this weekend.
- Yep, I'll get right on that.
I heard Mr. Callaghan is really
excited to see your speaker.
Who's your speaker?
This kid I used to tutor.
Did pretty well for himself, might be okay.
Just okay? Mine's awesome.
- Xavier Academy.
- What's shakin', mama?
- Got a Cheeley burger there?
- You must be calling for
Mr. Robert Cheeley on a work
number that only I answer, honey,
let me put you through.
Robert Cheeley.
Bear! Where you been, bro?
I've been looking for you, dude.
Are you in for the weekend or
not? I got the meat. Nom, nom,
nom wa hoo wa ha sis
boom ba ha, friendship.
How you feel? A little pukey?
Well, your dad's gonna be here
in about 15 minutes, sweetie,
- so you scoot over there.
- All teed up, bro!
Got a case of sliders chillin'
like a villain in the freezer.
You get to go home,
you lucky bugger.
Truders, guess who
that was on the phone.
- The superintendent?
- Mnh-mnh. Bear sandwich.
Frat buddy, long story, it's
a nickname. Twist ending.
Yeah I don't care. Listen
could you do me a favor
and in future could you have
your dingus friends use your
- personal number? Okay?
- Can you do me a favor?
Your job, get these sick kids
out of here. They're gross.
Oh, can you do me another favor?
Turn down the volume on
- the passive aggressiveness.
- Okay, uh, listen could you
do me a favor Robert and just scoot
on back into your office right quick?
How about you do yourself a
favor and be nice to people?
What is wrong with that man?
One second here
and there you are.
Thank you so much,
have a great day.
- Hey.
- Hi, what can I do for you?
- Lost my bank card.
- Do you have ID on you?
- And let's get you a new one.
- All right.
Used to have the window
right here, remember?
- Ah, no.
- You had to talk through the hole.
There was a bank card
you'd have to come in
and go Can I get some money?
It's kind of dangerous actually,
someone could just come in
come in, and shoot
you right in the face, pow!
Some days I wish somebody would.
Okay. Awesome.
Okay, so here's your new card and your ID.
- Don't lose that one, okay?
- Thank you, I will not.
And you can set your PIN
at the ATMs right over there.
Perfect, thank you, Ella, thanks.
- Have a great day. Hi, how can I help you?
- Actually, I'm not done, sorry.
Ella, I'm a teacher,
- career day tomorrow.
- Okay.
Would you come in
and speak to my class?
- Oh, I don't know.
- Kids would love it.
No, what about Karla,
though, she's our manager
- and she's really great with people.
- Yeah I don't know
if the kids would really
really like that.
Okay, yeah, you know what?
I would love to. Okay?
Yes! Deal.
Gerry. Ella.
- Nice to meet you, Gerry.
- Contract.
Agreed - Okay, I'll be back
later today and we'll iron it out.
- Okay, I'll talk to you then.
- Okay, thanks. Next.
Oh.
Duncan. Come in.
- What's going on here?
- Know why I do that?
Hmm, not sure I want to know why.
Same reason I grow my
own tomatoes in the summer,
same reason I'm learning to speak Russian.
I like to push myself.
Hmm, growing tomatoes
that's quite the push, sir.
I like my staff to
push themselves as well.
Well, here comes your first push.
I got a guest speaker.
- Terrific. Who?
- She's in the financial services.
That's fantastic.
I'll drop by tomorrow afternoon,
- have a listen.
- Yeah, you should see her.
What? I don't know what that
- You can take my name off that list.
- Wanna see her.
- I just told you
- When I see her.
- Do you think I would lie?
- When.
- Who's not here today?
- Uh, Kim.
Just Kim? Okay.
All right, take that down.
Mr. Duncan?
I have a question about
- last night's homework.
- Okay, just one sec, Maya,
let me get, just
two seconds, okay?
First of all, who here likes
money? Put your hand up if you
like moolah.
Jackpot,
because money makes
the world go 'round.
I think you are all really going
to like my guest tomorrow
- for career day.
- Are they rich?
- No, Maya, she's not rich.
- Will she give us cash?
No, Jimmy,
she's not going to give us cash.
Why are you all so focused
on the money aspect of this?
Well, you just wrote money
on the board.
Oh, Ben, then I will
un-write money on the board,
"Mr. I have to complain
and think of every single thing."
What's important is that my
guest is in the financial industry
and that is an awesome guest.
I heard Mr. D has a spectacular
guest and that
they're so good, we get
to go to the auditorium later.
- Jimmy, get out.
- Leave?
- Yeah, go.
- Right now?
Right now, go,
get out of the class,
wander the halls. I don't care
what you do, just leave.
- Why am I leaving?
- Because you are
annoying sometimes.
You want the truth?
Blame yourself for this.
- Bye. This is funny to you?
- Yeah, blame yourself.
Oh, you go too. Out.
Bye. I will tell the jokes.
- You go ahead, ma'am.
- I can help the next person.
Oh, sorry, sir.
I was next. Nice try.
Hello, Ella.
Hi, Gerry - English accent.
- Anyway so, tomorrow, thank you
- Oh, I hate to do this to you,
but it turns out they need me here tomorrow.
I'm so sorry.
Call in sick, call in sick.
- No, I have to work.
- Do you think it's gonna
make a difference
if one person's away?
- Excuse me?
- There's like ten tellers.
Everybody uses the ATM.
What's the difference
if one teller is away?
It kind of makes me a terrible
choice for career day then, doesn't it?
No, that's okay, I'll
take Karla then. Karla!
- No.
- I'll ask
Goodbye, Gerry. I think
we're done here, Gerry.
- Karla.
- Gerry, we're done here.
- Just get Karla. Karla.
- No, no, no.
You lied to me.
Matt! Your cousin Matt.
You could get him to do it.
He's got nothing going on he'd
love to be your guest speaker.
He's not busy, Bill,
'cause he's unemployed.
Yeah, well that could work, like a,
like a "Scared Straight" kind of,
like don't be like
Matt kids, whatever.
No, no I gotta
find someone good, fast.
- I'll do it.
- No. Thanks.
- Why not?
- You're a bartender.
- It's a job.
- Not a real job.
Just trying to help, man.
Ah, no, it's not
actually an emergency,
but can you, I need a
firefighter or a police officer.
Gotcha! No cell phones.
So who's this great guest
- you have, Paul?
- Doesn't matter.
The kids are gonna love him,
he's really gonna motivate 'em.
And that's all that
really matters, right?
No, that's not all that counts.
- Who is it?
- You'll see.
Why don't you just tell us?
Like, why is it such a big secret
for you that you
got some special guest?
- Just tell us who it is.
- Who's your guest, Gerry?
You'll see, not a homeless guy.
I'm not bringing in
a homeless guy, okay?
He's got a home, he works
at a homeless shelter.
Coming in to talk to
the kids about a career.
It's a really
important job, Gerry.
Lisa, I think that's great.
Huh, thanks.
That's what I thought too.
- That's inspiring to me.
- Hear that?
Ahh, oh, my guest calling.
Hello?
No, I'm not under duress.
No, I'm not being held
against my who is this?
Attention, please.
Any sick students waiting to be
picked up by parents,
please wait in the cafeteria
rather than the front office.
Repeat, sick students wait
in the cafeteria.
Okay, and I actually
upgraded my guest today.
It's a little switch just
with some scheduling and stuff,
will be here shortly, and listen
to him carefully because this is
a career that a lot of you might
enjoy and don't just pre-judge it
because you think you know
what it's all about.
- This is an interesting career choice.
- So your guest sucks?
I never said my guest sucks, Maya.
- Is he always late?
- The career he chose
allows him to sleep in. So no
Hey, man.
Thanks for being on time.
Ah, better late
than never, eh, buddy?
All right, everybody,
special guest, hard to get,
restaurant entrepreneur,
Mr. William Cogill. Very successful.
Give him a hand. Come on.
All right, thanks, thanks.
You can call me Bill.
I'm a bartender, work at Barrel's,
- pretty nice place to work.
- A bartender? Is he supposed to inspire us?
- Would this be Ben?
- Yeah, that's Ben.
All right, bartender,
what questions do I get asked? First, I
don't pay taxes. Cash business, right?
Second, do you drink at work?
Yes, of course!
Why would you have this job if
you don't? It's, uh, I'm half
drunk most of the time.
Ladies and germs,
your attention please.
I will be supervising
the cafeteria this afternoon,
but I do not want to come into
direct contact with any of you.
Big weekend planned,
if you're healthy you can ask me about it.
So here's how it's gonna work.
Rule no. 1, no sharing of food.
You are walking Petri dishes of
bacteria and highly contagious.
Rule no. 2, when you've finished
your lunch simply raise your hand,
do not approach me directly,
let me dismiss you from afar,
and no. 3, if you're not
feeling well, feel free to join
the sick kids at the far table
at the back of the room.
Understood? Thank you.
Hey, Robert, I wanted to introduce
you to my guest speaker. This is Ken.
Ken works at the Livewell
Men's Shelter downtown
- and then this is his client Gord.
- Gord.
Robert, you can't catch
homeless. That's really rude.
No, it's not. Welcome,
we love visitors here.
Lisa, why don't you show these gentlemen
to the far table at the back of the room?
Typical.
Off you go. Gord.
The mint and you want to
bruise it, not pulverize it,
right, buddy?
Then the main ingredient, rum.
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
- That's what makes it delicious.
Okay, that is when you're old
enough, you will add the rum.
- He's cute.
- That's how you make a mojito.
What does Mr. Duncan drink?
- Oh coolers.
- That's what my mom drinks.
Your mom's a smart lady,
'cause there's more alcohol in a cooler
and you get drunk faster.
Man, this was a blast!
You guys are great, you're
welcome at my job anytime
- you want to come.
- When you're old enough.
Obviously they've got fake ID's,
this guys got a mustache.
If you have fake ID,
I want them handed in right now.
If you do not have a fake ID,
come see me after class.
- No, do not go see him ever.
- Cheers!
No cheers.
Who's this guy?
Sometimes you have to
understand what you don't want
to do with your life
so know what you do want to do
with your life, and I'll be right back.
Okay, let's go - Me too?
Yes, you too.
Booze in the classroom? Fake ID's?
What were you thinking?
What was I th?
Oh, he wasn't my first choice,
didn't even want him.
Yeah, I wasn't.
Holding out for strippers?
Drug dealer?
You gonna bring that in with the booze?
A stripper and a drug dealer, too?
No, I think he's asking you,
'cause you're probably more
responsible here of the two of us.
- You done?
- You done?
Yeah, we're good.
You can go now if you had something to say.
This is serious.
This is a key event for Xavier.
How difficult can it be to find
an appropriate guest speaker?
Well, hard, when you leave
it to the last minute, it's
Paul Dwyer.
- That's the guy I was telling you about.
- Oh, no, the Mr. D guy?
- Yeah, the Mr. D.
- Dwyer, makes sense.
The kids love him,
I don't know why.
I can hear the whispering.
Sorry. Okay.
Paul has asked me to accompany
his guest to the auditorium.
I suggest you tag along, you'll learn
the caliber of guest we've come to expect.
I understand.
Well, I'm gonna take off.
Do it, try it again,
got it that time.
Get out of here, go,
get out of here.
I could lose my job 'cause of you.
You flinched.
Who does Dwyer have?
- Sweet home Alabama.
- Hi. How are you?
- Hi there, can I help you?
- I'm looking for Mr. Dwyer please.
Yes, you want to see him?
Sure, yeah, yeah.
What's your name, sweetie?
- Mike.
- Mike, Mike, last name?
- Cammalleri.
- Oh, God, Mike Cammalleri,
the Calgary Flames Cammalleri?
- This is true.
- Oh God yeah, see?
That's why I have
this urge to vomit.
- I'm sorry.
- Listen, I don't mean
to insult you, buddy,
but I hate Calgary Flames, okay?
Cammaloser? Hate!
I'm an Oilers fan, sweetheart.
Gretzky, Messier.
- Wow, that's great.
- Yeah, do you think?
Cammalleri? Do you skate like a boy?
'Cause you walk like a girl.
What? Is Mr. Dwyer around at all?
He's waitin' back stage for you.
Come on, I'll show you.
Thank you.
And the more funding they cut,
the more beds we have to lose.
You're going to see a lot more
homeless people dying in the streets,
because they had nowhere to go.
People are more concerned
with what shampoo to buy
or which celebrity is
pregnant than a man in the cold.
Friendless, homeless
and utterly alone.
Any questions for me or Gord?
Yes, Colin.
- How much money do you make begging?
- Colin!
It's okay. I made 80 bucks once.
80 bucks?
Man, I want to be homeless too!
So, that's why, um, you
have to stay in school.
Actually,
I'm a university graduate.
Didn't work out.
Trust me.
The kids are gonna love him.
Here's your pal.
- Hey! How you doin?
- Great to see you.
- Thanks for coming. Look at you!
- Thanks for having me, man.
Anything for Mr. D, you
got me through grade 12 English.
- That was tough though, right?
- It was tough.
- Enough's enough, you're coming to a game.
- You don't gotta do
- all that for me, man. Thank you.
- Go to a game.
It ain't all that.
Enough, you're coming.
- I don't want to put you out the way.
- Take the tickets.
Gerry, if you don't mind,
this is my good friend.
- Take the tickets. I'll go.
- Listen, the family's good?
Family's great, man,
thank you so much for asking.
Good. Listen,
Mr. Callaghan, Mike Cammalleri.
- Wow, Mr. Cammalleri, welcome. Huge fan, huge fan.
- Pleasure.
Paul, you've outdone yourself this time.
This is fantastic.
The kids are gonna be so stoked.
You know, I was there the night you scored
the hat trick
at the Habs' 100th birthday.
That was a really fun night.
It was hard to keep
you a secret around here.
This is what I'm
talking about, Duncan.
You've got Mike Cammalleri,
Bill, NHL superstar, bartender.
- Big time talent.
- Okay, got it when you did
- the first stuff.
- We're ready for you, Mr. Callaghan.
- Oh, hey. Let's go meet the kids.
- We're ready for you.
Great, yeah.
- So what?
- He scored some goals.
I've scored like 7,000 in my life,
different league, who cares?
Thank you very much for
coming out and talking.
Hey, at least you care.
Means a lot and thanks
for letting us see Cammalleri
Gord's a big fan.
- Great.
- Gentlemen, Lisa.
Hope your weekends are as
crazy as mine promises to be.
Well, good luck with
those frat shenanigans.
Can't promise it's not
gonna get a little bit crazy.
You never know what's gonna happen
when old Bear Sandwich is around.
Wa hoo, wa ha, sis boom ba
Friendship. Sigma Theta Sigma.
Those were the days, brother.
- You're a Sigma?
- You should do the handshake.
Wa hoo, wa ha,
sis boom ba ha!
- Friendship.
- Friendship.
Hey, Robert, don't you have the big
Sigma reunion this weekend? He should go.
- Oh, that's a great idea.
- See you Monday, Robert.
You should come,
but I would hate that.
- Nice to meet you guys.
- This is incredible!
Well, that was good, Mike.
The kids, ah, really enjoyed it.
- It was great.
- Oh, Mr. D, thank you very much.
Oh, yeah, this one's
actually for Mr. Dwyer.
But I can sign you one right here.
Oh, you know what?
Nah, it's for the kids I guess really.
I played sports too,
a lot of hockey and then I had to decide,
professional athlete,
professional teacher
and made this decision, so,
for the kids probably be sitting there
- if I hadn't focused on education.
- Yeah, that's great.
Teaching's so important,
It's great work you guys are doin'.
Glad you didn't talk about
droppin' out at Michigan.
- I did three years.
- Three years is not a degree though.
What are you going to
do now though when
- you're done hockey, right?
- It's a good message, kids, you know?
I actually plan on getting
my degree myself, so.
Yeah, so not as many kids
as you thought, eh?
- No, we've had a good
- Good turnout?
Yeah, it was great.
Well, maybe I will have
one, Mike, why not? To Gerry.
- That would be great.
- To Gerry. All right, "Jerry."
- "G," it's a "G," actually.
- Oh, here, let me just
Maybe, just, all right,
use a new one.
- Yeah, you did a "J."
- Oh, all right, there.
- There we go.
- Okay, can't really
Yeah, I can't really say that I
met you 'cause it says "to scribble."
But it was great meeting you.
- See how that's?
- Yeah, it's a Sharpie. It doesn't erase.
No, I know,
it's stuck, it's forever.