Petticoat Junction (1963) s01e08 Episode Script

1
Come ride the little train ♪
That is rollin' down the tracks to the Junction ♪
Forget about your cares ♪
It is time to relax at the Junction ♪
Lots of curves, you bet ♪
And even more when you get ♪
To the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
And that's Uncle Joe, he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪
At the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction! ♪
Yahoo!
I'm home.
Thanks, I'd never have known.
I could've made it up the hill faster,
but I was handicapped by not wearing track shoes.
I was handicapped by the rise and fall
of the Roman Empire.
Well, I'm sure glad one member
of the family's a student.
Well, she cheats she studies.
And how are you doing, young lady?
Well, I'll admit I'm not doing so well
in my minor subjects,
but I'm leading my class in basketball,
gymnastics and ice hockey.
Oh, great, those are words to warm a mother's heart.
All right, girls, start moving.
Get out of the school clothes.
There's work to be done.
Hey, dream girl.
Junior Hocker said to give you a message.
Is that creep breaking our date tonight?
No, that creep says he'll be here at 8:00,
and he's taking you to the dance in Pixley.
Oh, that's nice.
He's sweet.
Yeah, a sweet creep.
He also says he hopes you got him
a real cute girl for his friend.
Oh, my gosh, I forgot.
What about your sister, Bobbie Jo?
Oh, come on, Mom.
Now, help me find a cute girl for his friend.
I just did.
What about your sister? What's wrong with her?
Well, nothing, she just isn't the type.
Uh, j-just a minute, young lady, explain yourself.
What do you mean, she isn't the type?
Bobbie's a lovely girl.
But Junior's friend wants to spend the evening
with a girl that will be fun, not
with a walking encyclopedia.
Well, tell me, does everybody think that way about her?
Everybody.
Bobbie Jo is a mighty smart girl,
but there's nothing smart about driving boys away from you.
Well, I'd never do it.
I know, dear.
Billie Jo, you want to take your sister
on that date tonight.
No, Mom, I don't want to take her
on that date tonight.
Well, let me put it another way.
You want to take her
because it's the kind and helpful thing to do,
because you owe it to her, and because you'll spend
the next three weeks in the kitchen
scrubbing pots and pans if you don't.
I want her to go. Good girl.
And they say that young folks
don't cotton to common sense when they hear it.
Bobbie Jo?
She won't want to do it.
She'd rather stay home and read.
Horse feathers.
I know that girl like a book.
She won't want to stay home and read
when she can go out on a date
and have some fun you'll see.
Yes, Mom?
How would you like to go out
on a date tonight and have some fun?
No, thanks, I'd rather stay home and read.
Know her like a book, huh?
I do.
But somewhere along the line,
I must have missed a couple of chapters.
Good heavens.
Hockey season again?
Oh, Mom, hockey's not dangerous.
Of course not.
Show me your teeth.
I want to remember them as they are right now.
All right, well, skate back to the cake batter.
I'm gonna talk to your sister.
You know, Bobbie,
you have a dandy sense of humor.
I have?
Oh, sure.
You remember a few minutes ago when I asked you
if you wanted to go out on a date tonight?
Yes, I remember.
Yeah, well, who but a girl with a sense of humor
would've said, "No, I'd rather stay home and read"?
I mean, that's very funny, a real knee-slapper.
Great kid.
Wasn't it?
Bobbie, wasn't it?
You were kidding.
I was afraid of that.
Bobbie, this is a serious matter,
and we're gonna have to talk about it like grownups.
All right, Mom. Good.
Now, I've always said that you are smart as a whip.
I'm not going on that date.
I've also said that you're stubborn as a mule.
Why won't you?
Well I'm just not interested
in going with boys yet, that's all.
But your sister, Billie, was interested
in boys when she was your age.
Billie was interested in boys
the minute she found out they weren't girls.
Hockey players should be seen and not heard.
Back to the ice.
I'm not saying to make boys your life's work
like Billie, just a part-time hobby,
so you'll know one if you trip over him.
Mom, please don't push me.
I'm not pushing.
You remember the things I've said about parents
who interfere in their children's lives?
Of course, I remember.
Well, forget them, I'm interfering.
But, Mom, I This is one time
when I use my own judgment
to do what I think is right.
You are going on that date tonight.
All right, Mom.
Right.
But honestly, I-I just don't
feel comfortable with boys.
Oh, you'll be fine, honey.
Getting used to boys is like
like getting used to rhubarb.
When you first try it, it's strange,
and then after a while
well, it-it's still strange,
but by that time, who cares?
You're hooked on rhubarb.
Oh, Mom, you're wonderful.
Hey, hey, Junior.
I'm worried.
Every time I go out on a blind date,
I get stuck with a dud.
Simmer down, Roger, my boy.
I told Billie Jo to line you up
with a nifty little nugget.
Whenever Junior Hocker snaps his fingers,
Billie Jo Bradley jumps.
No, it's true.
That kid is nuts about me.
Doesn't even look at anybody else.
Oh, evening, Mr. Carson.
Howdy, Junior.
See you didn't bring no candy or flowers for Billie,
like her other boyfriend.
Get with it, boy.
You're liable to slide even further down on her list.
Billie Jo doesn't even, uh,
look at anybody else, huh?
Well, she doesn't.
She-she-she goes out with other guys,
she just doesn't look at them.
No postponements. Tonight.
Now, it's going to be easy.
Remember what I told you about rhubarb?
Come on, let's finish dressing,
'cause the boys are waiting.
Oh, no rush, we have to keep them waiting
at least a half an hour.
It's the code.
Oh.
Tell me, uh, what code?
The rules of the game, you know,
like always keep a boy guessing
and never let on that you don't have a date
on a Saturday night, even if you don't.
And always act cold and indifferent to a fella,
even if you've gone ape over him.
That makes sense.
It does?
No, but at the moment,
I'm for peace in the family.
Now, let's see.
It's perfect.
One whiff of this is guaranteed
to knock any man off his feet.
Uh let's give him two whiffs.
Betty, look, it is 8:30.
Now, what's happened to Billie Jo?
Relax, dream lover.
Your waiting period is over.
In exactly 17 seconds,
my devastating sister, Billie, will appear on the landing,
giggle, flounce down the stairs and say,
"Oh, dear, Junior, you're here already.
I do hope I haven't kept you waiting too long."
It is now grand entrance moment,
minus five, four,
three, two, one giggle.
Oh, dear, Junior, you're here already.
I do hope I haven't kept you waiting too long.
You see, I am not only loveable,
sweet, charming and glamorous,
but I'm also brilliant.
Ta-ta.
How that child got to be such a showoff beats me.
She might tie you, but she ain't never gonna beat you.
Billie Jo, you look like a million bucks tonight.
And it's all invested in the right places.
Thank you, Junior.
Looking very handsome yourself this evening.
How about introducing me to your friend?
Oh, yeah, sure, in a minute.
Hey, uh, look, who's this girl
you got him fixed up with?
Oh, Junior, there's something
I'd like to explain.
A dog, huh?
Oh, no, no, a really very fine, intelligent person.
Oh, boy.
A real schnauzer.
Look, why don't you
Good evening, all you charming young people.
Well, what do you think?
Gee, I don't know.
Isn't your mother a little too old for Roger?
Don't be silly, I mean my sister, Bobbie Jo.
Miss Iceberg?
You've gotta be kidding Shh.
Junior, say hello to my mother and sister.
Good evening. How do you do?
Uh, may I, uh, present my friend, Roger Budd.
Roger's visiting me from Wilton Corners.
Roger, this is Mrs. Bradley and, uh Hello.
How do you do? Billie Jo Bradley.
Hi. Hello.
And that's your date, Bobbie Jo Bradley.
Hello.
Bobbie finally got a date with a fella.
Great!
Isn't he cute?
Uncle Joe's such a clown.
I've always said he belongs in a circus.
Oh, uh, Uncle Joe, you're not gonna let Betty Jo
finish the rest of the pie by herself, are you?
No.
That's not good for a little girl her age.
She needs help.
Works every time.
So, you're from Wilton Corners.
How exciting.
Tell me, Roger, how does a big city boy like you
feel about taking out a couple
of small town city girls like us?
Well, we are getting pretty big.
We've got nearly 4,000 people now and,
well, there's talk about building a second movie house.
But you'd be a standout anywhere.
Oh Junior, you didn't tell me
your friend was so gallant.
He's the gallantest.
Bobbie Jo, I can see the charm
isn't limited to one member of this family.
I'm sure we'll have a wonderful evening.
Uh, uh, Roger's right charming, too,
isn't he, Bobbie?
Isn't he, dear?
Yep, you're right, he sure is.
Why don't, uh why don't you two
sit over there and, uh, and get acquainted?
I know you have a lot to talk about.
So, talk.
Well, Bobbie, like I said,
I think we'll have a wonderful evening.
We will? I mean, oh, we will!
I'm sure it'll be wonderful
the evening, that is.
I mean, evenings are wonderful, aren't they?
Or, as Byron said of evening,
"It follows the decline of day
as twilight melts beneath the moon away."
You recognize that, don't you?
Huh? Oh, yeah, that's poetry.
Oh, hi, Mom.
Do you like poetry?
Well Wasn't it Chatfield that said
that poetry is the music of thought?
I wouldn't be surprised.
Well, maybe you like philosophy.
I'm kind of fond of Aristotle myself.
You know, his concepts on living,
even in today, is just
Saved by the whistle!
I mean, the train.
I mean, the train's here.
Come on, kids, the Cannonball's taking us
to the dance in Pixley.
Good, good.
Oh, Mom, you saw me trying to talk to him.
I was hopeless.
I'll never make it.
You will, honey.
Think rhubarb.
Come on, Bobbie, we're gonna be late
for the dance. Come on.
Bye, Billie.
Bye, Mom. Bye, Bobbie.
Bye, Mom. Bye, Junior.
Bye, rhubarb Roger.
Have a good time!
Please.
What? What? What?
Oh, it's you.
I'm sorry, Uncle Joe.
I didn't mean to wake you.
Well, I wasn't sleepin'.
I'm just sittin' here doing a lot of heavy thinkin'.
Sounded like you were snoring.
That wasn't snorin'.
Just heavy breathin' to go with my heavy thinkin'.
Isn't past your bedtime?
Mom's been pacing back and forth in her room.
I couldn't sleep listening to her.
I think she's worried about
how Bobbie Jo's getting along on her date tonight.
Girl gets to certain age she is a worry.
Your mother could have saved herself a lot of trouble
if she had took my advice.
What was that?
Have boys.
Betty Jo Bradley.
What are you doing down here
at this time of night?
You go on upstairs and go to sleep.
Okay, Mom.
With you down here maybe I can.
Put on an extra blanket;
the nights are getting chilly. Okay.
'Night, Mom. Love you.
I think I'll be turnin' in, too.
How about you? No.
I'm gonna wait up for the kids.
The Cannonball won't be back
for a couple of hours. Yeah, I know,
but I'm kind of fretting about Bobbie Jo.
I couldn't sleep anyhow.
Kate, I feel for you.
Bringing up three girls all by yourself
ain't easy.
Wish I could do more to help you.
Well, you're a great help to me.
Just being here.
Good night.
Hi, Mom. Bobbie Jo!
Where'd you come from? Where are the others?
Leif Telfer gave me a ride
in his milk truck as far as Bakers Hill
and I walked from there. Well
where's Billie Jo and the boys?
Still at the dance in Pixley.
I didn't feel well
and I didn't want to wait for the train.
Good night, Mom. Whoa, girl, whoa.
Don't wave a carrot in front of a donkey's nose
and then yank it away.
What happened?
Nothing. I-I had a headache
and I didn't want to break up the party,
so I excused myself and sent back a note to explain.
Now can I go to bed?
Oh, sure. Good night, Mom.
Good night, quitter.
What do you mean quitter?
I'll bet I could tell you exactly what happened.
Your sister Billie Jo was her usual fascinating self.
And Junior and Roger were fallin' all over one another
to make a hit with her,
while you sat like a bump on a log, am I right?
Mom, I can't fight Billie Jo.
When it comes to boys, well
she's just got it.
She hasn't got anything you haven't got.
She just uses hers better.
Oh, Mom.
You should see the way she carries on over boys.
It's ridiculous.
Like what for instance?
Well, when my date asked her to dance
she took hold of his arm and she said,
"Oh, Roger, those muscles.
Where did you ever get them?"
Did Roger like it?
Did he ever.
Then it wasn't so ridiculous, was it?
But, Mom, I felt Roger's arm.
Wasn't that great.
Honey, there isn't a man, woman, or child
who doesn't love to be flattered.
And when a boy hears it from a pretty girl,
well, it's what I mean by rhubarb
with sugar on it.
But, Mom, Roger was my date.
Now, why did Billie have to go for him?
Oh, baby.
Billie Jo wasn't going for him.
When she sees a boy, any boy,
she just automatically says what he wants to hear.
It's in her nature.
She-she was weaned on rhubarb.
I wish I'd been then.
Roger was nice and kind of different.
I liked him.
Enough to take some advice from your mother,
if she guarantees results?
Oh, yes, Mom. Attagirl.
Honey, you tasted rhubarb.
Now, I'm gonna show you how to really enjoy it.
Oh. Come on.
Hey, Mom!
Here's the information you told me to get.
After school today I nosed around town.
Herbie Bates reported Shh-shh-shh.
Where's your sister Billie Jo?
Upstairs getting ready for a beauty bath.
What else? Oh.
Okay, proceed with the report.
Right, Chief.
Secret Agent X3 returning
from assignment L29 Just
just the report.
Oh, okay.
Herbie Bates says he's crazy about Billie
because she wrinkles up her nose so cute
and because she makes him feel so strong
and masculine.
Okay, next. Wilbur Hodgkins
says he flips for Billie because she walks so cute.
And because she makes him feel so strong
and masculine. Next.
Tad Perkins says he likes her
because she dresses so cute.
And because she She makes him feel so strong
and masculine. Uh-huh.
I just wanted to see if things had changed
since I was a girl; They haven't.
The thing we have to do is to get Bobbie
to beat Billie at her own game.
Gee, Mom, do you think that's fair?
I mean, taking sides like this against Billie.
Well, honey, that isn't the point.
You see,
we're going to Mom, do you know
what happened to those six
new movie magazines I brought home?
Well, yes, dear.
They're-they're in your top of your drawer.
Why do you need all six of them? Sure.
It's gonna be a long bath. Oh.
Billie. Yes, Mom?
Uh, your date Friday night was with Junior.
Why did you make such a big play
for his friend Roger?
Oh, well, I thought Roger was cute.
I liked him.
But he was your sister's date.
Mom, you just don't understand.
Why, a girl never passes up a chance
to get a cute fella to go for her.
Why, it simply isn't done.
It's, well, it's against the code.
And you couldn't break a rule?
Not even for your sister?
You love her, don't you?
Well, of course I do.
But what's that got to do with it?
Nothing, I'm afraid.
Go take your bath, dear.
And, uh, look in the medicine cabinet.
I got you some of that sweet-smelling soap you like.
Gee, thanks, Mom.
You're wonderful.
But there's sure a lot about life that you don't know.
Ain't it the truth.
Any questions?
Just one.
How come she's so drippy?
Oh, she is not drippy.
Billie is a sweet, wonderful, generous girl.
You know that.
But I must admit when it comes to boys
she's a little, um Drippy?
That's the word. Drippy!
A brand-new me?
I don't get it, Mom.
You will!
I wrote it all down for us.
We're gonna work on your walk,
the way you dress,
how to wrinkle your nose,
and how to flatter the boys
to make them feel strong and masculine.
So let's get started. Now, Mom, I don't know.
You want to get Roger?
Let's get started.
And now let's try the flattery again.
And this time add the nose wrinkle.
Now I'm the boy.
Go!
Oh, Clarence,
what an adorable thing to say.
Uh-uh.
You-you see,
you're-you're trying to catch a man
not a rabbit.
Now let's try it once more
and this time smile
and sound like you mean it.
Go!
Oh, Clarence,
what an adorable thing to say.
Well, the-the flattery's getting better.
Maybe you're not a natural born nose wrinkler.
There's only one sure way to find out.
Here comes Mr. Blake.
Get him to stay for lunch.
We're having fish.
Rhubarb.
Let me have my bill. I'm checkin' out.
Aren't you staying for lunch, Mr. Blake?
No. I know what you're serving.
Fish. And I hate it.
Oh, Mr. Blake, you say the cutest things.
Huh?
Stay and try it.
For me.
How am I gonna have the fish,
with lemon or butter?
A man's eye is caught by the clothes you wear.
Now, which of these dresses
do you think'll do the most for you?
Well, not this one, Mom.
It's too drab. Right. Forget it.
And this one's too little girlish.
Right. Forget it.
This one's too old-fashioned.
Right. Forget it.
And this one's too tight.
Wrong. Wear it.
Hey, Mom, would it be all right if I Shh-shh-shh.
Bobbie Jo is taking her good listener test.
Good listener test?
A surefire way
to make a man feel strong and masculine
is to listen to every word he says
like it was awful important.
She's been listening for ten minutes
without blinking.
Now she can take on anybody.
It's your move.
Just a minute, Uncle Joe.
Here come those two salesmen.
Bobbie's walking test.
What in tarnation's a walking test?
Watch.
Bobbie's almost ready.
Are Roger and Junior here yet? Not yet.
How does she look? Sensational.
Scared but sensational.
Ha, don't blame her.
But why?
After all the training you've given her,
and look how she passed every test.
Honey,
lots of horses look fine running in the county fair,
but Roger's comin'.
This is the Kentucky Derby.
Mom, you must be some kind of magician.
After Roger's last date with Bobbie
I'd have bet you couldn't drag him here in a net.
Yeah, I admit it took a little doing.
What did you do? What did you do?
What she did was say
she had a real cute girl for you. Yeah, but who?
I keep tellin' you I don't know.
I ran into Mrs. Bradley at the General Store yesterday
and she said, "Junior, come over tomorrow night"
"and bring your friend Roger with you.
I got a brand-new girl for him, real cute."
Then she disappeared by the sweet potatoes.
Well, whoever she is she's a cinch
to be better than Bobbie Jo. Oh, boy, yeah.
Strictly loserville.
Oh, good evening, boys.
You're right on time.
Come on down, dear, the boys are here.
Roger, I know you're gonna like this girl.
She's awful cute. Mmm.
Hey, uh, who is she, Mrs. B?
That's Bobbie Jo.
Mrs. B, you said a brand-new girl.
Well Hello there, Roger.
My, you look dashing tonight.
How is Wilton Corners' handsomest boy?
Real great, Bobbie Jo.
Yeah, real great.
Oh, real great.
My, what an adorable thing to say.
Yeah, she is a brand-new girl!
Oh, listen,
we don't we go into the dining room,
and we can munch on some cookies,
and we can turn on the phonograph and dance.
Ooh, Junior!
Those muscles, where did you ever get them?
Me? Mm-hmm.
Gosh, Bobbie, I-I don't have
Well, gosh.
Tell me, Betty Jo,
do you think the rain will hurt the rhubarb?
My, what an adorable thing to say.
Petticoat Junction. ♪
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