President Curtis (2026) s01e08 Episode Script
Knox
1
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Ah! Need eyes
inside the vault, now!
Door one Open.
Door two Open.
Door three We got there.
The gold.
All of the gold is gone!
Fort Knox has been robbed!
Holy shit.
All units. Paranormal perp
outside the gates.
Intercept with extreme caution!
Agent Harrison, FBI.
And you're sure about this?
Of course. I'm on it.
What is it, Harrison?
Not what, who.
Pull every file we have
on leprechauns.
President Curtis.
Damn. No shit.
Yeah, yeah. I'm on it.
Was that the Boring
Police calling
because O'Doyle was taking
forever to move?
I was just about
to attack with my slug.
Your slug doesn't have
the range, bro.
Will you nerds shut up?
All the gold was robbed
from Fort Knox,
and they caught one suspect.
A female leprechaun.
Orfhlaith O'Doyle.
Oh, shit,
she might be related to you!
Oh, shit, she is.
Oh, shit, is that your mother?
Oh, come on!
Obviously!
Oh, shit.
No alarm was triggered.
The gold just vanished.
Your mother was caught
outside the gates here.
No gold on her, either.
It's almost like she
Wanted to get caught?
Obviously.
But why would she
want to get caught?
Who gives a shit?
If the world finds out
America's gold is gone,
it will trigger
a global financial meltdown.
We need it back. Now.
Shoot her into the sun.
What's that?
Shoot her into the sun.
You cannot trust
a leprechaun, ever.
But you're half leprechaun.
I'm sorry, who are you?
The bureau's top
leprechaun experts.
We kinda have a "will-they,
won't-they" thing going on.
I got 50 bucks
that says we will, and fast.
Oh, my god, Bilkin, shut up.
As for your mother,
without evidence,
all we can do
is hold her for questioning.
She'll never talk.
But here's the thing
Your mother said she'd confess.
Only to you.
Perfect reason not to involve me.
That will be part of her plan.
I'm sorry, how the hell
can one leprechaun
move 4,000 metric tons of gold?
Teleportation.
We believe leprechauns
can trick matter
into moving locations.
Ugh. Please. Lepro-portation
is a parlor trick.
The most a leprechaun
could ever move
is a condom out of a wallet.
I didn't rob you, dicks.
I don't lie, and I don't trick.
Then why are you refusing
to cooperate?
This is what I am talking about!
She's tangling us in her web.
Christ, O'Doyle,
your mom isn't Lex Luthor.
Yes, she is.
Come on, man. You can't let
your mom get to you like this.
You need to put that shit
in a box and do the job.
I mean, it is true, O'Doyle.
America needs its gold back.
You'll do it, right?
You'll suck it up and do it?
That's my boy!
See? Number one guy!
Watch. His mother's
gonna be squealing.
I'm telling you, he's ice cold.
Door Open. Hooray.
Should be interesting.
We've never had
a female leprechaun in custody.
I was skeptical
they even existed.
I mean, they're never seen.
Well, I've never seen you cook,
but that doesn't mean
you can't make me dinner.
Ooh, Harrison.
Alright.
Everyone, arms out.
You will be sprayed
with an anti-aura mist.
Us, too?
We're not talking to her.
She can read auras
through all possible barriers.
Both guards who transported her
ended up in the psychiatric ward.
You think a mist can stop her?
She is a miserable spider-witch.
O'Doyle. You can't
let her see you get mad.
Just get that confession.
Open the door.
That's m'job.
Oh-ho-ho!
Francis, me boy.
Tell me, if ye died right now,
and the Lord himself
stood before you and said,
"Ye may enter
the kingdom of heaven
so long as ye tell me true
what are ye,
man or leprechaun?"
What would ye say?
Okay, where's the gold, mother?
Which gold?
You know which gold.
Where did you put it?
Are you really so ashamed
of your heritage, Francis?
Go on. Ask me the right way.
I'll answer.
Where's me gold?
Can we be done torturing me
because I'm half-human?
Wasn't my entire
childhood enough?
Oh, Francis, I treated ye the
same as any leprechaun child.
You just think I treated
you different
because you are different.
So many feelings!
Where is it, mother?
Oh, come on, now. They might not
know about the gold,
but we do. Ay, boy?
Our little secret.
Stop blinking.
Whatever you're doing
is not gonna work.
But it already has.
Okay.
No contact resuming now.
It was great working
with ye, me boy!
What was that winking?
Was she trying to be sexy?
You read that as sexy?
She was blinking
in Gaelic Morse code.
It translates to "CAHILL."
Her rival clan.
Why did your mother say
you worked with her?
Because she's a lying mind worm!
None of you have any idea
what you're dealing with here.
Oh, you're right about that.
Agent O'Doyle, you are now
a person of interest.
We need to hold you
for questioning.
What?
Are you kidding me?
Because she said
I worked with her?
Sir, come on.
You can't honestly side
with my mother here.
She's such a mean asshole!
O'Doyle, just cooperate
so we can bust your mom
and find this gold!
Cooperating got me into this!
Yeah, it's true, sir. He did
tell us this would happen.
Okay, do we need to cuff you,
or will you come willingly?
Can I at least
take a shit first?
All this stress has
my bowels in a knot.
I get it. I'm a nervous shitter,
too. Pumpkin works for me.
Guard, please accompany him
to the bathroom.
This is humiliating.
Cheese cuts both ways, pal.
Man. Unbelievable.
You don't think he's
actually involved, do you?
How would I know? He's whining
like a little diaper boy
while half a trillion
is on the line.
We need focus, not emotion.
Until we find this gold,
you're my number one guy, Banks.
Or, number one girl.
Um, no, that sounds bad.
You're my number one guy,
regardless of boobs or dicks.
Whatever. You get the idea.
I do.
What is taking so long?
Did he fall in?
What the
Stupid thing sucks.
No!
Oh, goddammit!
He told us he had to shit.
Sir, I thought you said
he didn't lie.
Oh, he didn't lie.
Check the toilet.
Damn, he's good.
I'm jealous. Look at that.
All units! We have a runner.
I want everyone on this!
Go, go, go! Follow me!
Mm.
What the
Sonnovabitch.
No, no, no, no, don't shoot!
I'm by myself!
How the fuck did you find me?
Bro, robot brain.
I calculated all possible
trajectories from the river.
That led me here, and I just
paid the lady up front
10 bucks to point out your spot.
Goddammit, Judy.
So, you're here to turn me in?
What? No.
You went into my mind and helped
me, so I'm here to help you.
Go home, Banks.
I will.
Once we get evidence
and clear your name.
Now, where can we find
the Cahill Clan?
I can't go where my mother wants.
Uh, you don't think this is
what she wants?
You locked in a cage?
Taking handle pulls of ersatz
whiskey like a teenage frat boy?
If you don't do something,
she's already won.
I mean the only way
to get info from a leprechaun
is trickery.
And I don't lie.
Well, you won't have to.
We could Rainbow Connect.
What?
A leprechaun mind-meld?
I can artificially
compartmentalize.
The part of you
that hates lying could be in me.
You don't want to hold the part
of a leprechaun that lies.
Trust me.
Buddy, I do trust you.
But you're not going
to prove you're innocent
from your prep per den.
Uhp, hold on.
Wow. You went straight
to baking cookies?
And you went straight
to not getting one.
Wait, no, sorry, I want one.
Donny and Declan Cahill.
I, uh I guess dress
for the job you want, huh?
All leprechauns
wear green, Banks.
It's the shade of green
that matters.
That's their clan color.
Puke?
Summer Artichoke.
God, this is gonna suck.
The Cahills hate me almost
as much as they hate my mother.
Well, if you all hate her,
why not work together
to take her down?
Leprechaun clans don't mix.
Each one operates under the
thumb of a powerful matriarch.
In this case,
Mary Marjorie Cahill.
What are you grinding over there?
Normally we'd both swallow one
to connect.
But swallowing this
would shred your colon,
so I made yours powder.
What the fuck!
Well, I had to get it
in there deep.
Into your chakra.
You're gonna see what I see,
feel what I feel.
Repeat after me.
Hok. Lok. Ba-gok.
Hok. Lok. Ba-gok.
Whoa! Ho. Mama.
Yeah, I'm feeling it.
I'm feeling what you're feeling.
Lie to me.
What?
Use my mind,
let me compartmentalize
that shame, fear, whatever.
We need to make sure it works.
I'm so glad you made me do this.
Haaaha! Holy fuck.
It's like a lightning bolt
of sugar up my dick.
I can taste infinity.
It's working.
I thought you hated lying.
Yeah. Because
it feels incredible.
It's biologically addicting.
The more we lie,
the more we want to lie.
Alright, I'm
Going in. I know.
We're melded.
You're annoyed.
You're even more annoyed
that I know you're annoyed.
I'm going in!
You're going in!
Is that?
Your brownest beer.
Warm.
Only beer we have,
only way we have it.
Well, if it ain't
No-Lies O'Doyle!
Heard ye were working
for the feds.
You wearing a wire, Doyley?
No, I'm not wearing a wire.
And the feds can go
fuck themselves.
Oy, are ya Rainbow Connected?
-No.
-Whoo!
Hot sugar, gasoline!
Hit me with the lies!
Ripping and tearing!
Well, if ya ain't here
to spy on us, why are ya here?
For a warm beer.
And to take down my mother.
She stole a lot of gold.
Tell me what you know,
I'll split what I find with you.
Oy! Fellas! Babby O'Doyle's
got a proposition for us!
Let's give him a warm welcome.
Hey, Doyley, remember
how yeh refused to tell a lie,
even after yer mammy glued
a dog mask to your head
and made you herd sheep
for a week?
How 'bout when Doyley
got caught dancin' in the moors?
Then Orfhlaith made him jig
till his toes went bloody?
If you call that dancin'!
Worst jig I ever seen!
Ho-kay, this is different.
This is fire.
Deep knives.
Oh, my god, I am jacked up!
Memories flooding back,
eh, Doyley?
Can you believe
he actually came here?!
Just like she said he would!
Wait, my mother?
Raah!! I'm not okay!!
-Sweet Jesus!
-Get out!
Banks!
The hell are you doing??
You didn't tell me
about the rage!
Everyone has rage!
This is different!
There's layer after layer.
You're like a lasagne of pain!
Did someone say lasagne?
Who is this giant-ass Garfield?!
A meglochaun. They're bred
by the clan to be huge
for fighting. It's a trick
they played on their own DNA.
Ow! Shit!
I can feel the punches!
You were Rainbow Connected?
No-Lies, you told a lie?!
I'm not a bad dancer!
Raah!!
Declan. You're gonna tell me
everything you know about the
Oh, sweet Jesus.
Is that your mother?
No, no, no, no.
The body came with the place.
Oh, come on, Factua Root?
No, no, no. Please.
I hate telling the truth!
Chew it.
I don't want to!
There we go.
Nummy tummy.
Now. If your queen's dead, how
is this clan still operating?
Your mother! Christ, Doyley!
Your mother's our queen!
What?!
Our mom, Marjorie,
she was getting weak.
Orfhlaith made us an offer.
Protection. Power.
You let her kill your own mother?
Oh, not just us.
All the rivals.
She's uniting the clans, sonny.
Ya see, you get
enough leps working together,
you can unlock powers.
How else do ya think we moved
all that Fort Knox gold?
A Shaleelay?
You actually did it?
I thought
it was a myth, too, lad.
But she wanted to show you
it's real.
Welcome you back home.
You didn't.
Oh, ho, ho, but we did!
Ow!
Banks, we need to go, now!
Can I finish choking it out?
Okay, but make it quick.
Why aren't
you opening it?
What are you,
the door police?
I'm trying.
It's hitting something.
So maybe stop pushing it.
Don't tell me what to do!
Goddammit.
Goddammit.
Move, come on, move.
Oh, my god, I knew it!
This is classic my mother!
We should remove
the Rainbow Connection.
Yeah. Get out of my head.
God, your mom sucks.
Yeah.
Did GunBaby see anything?
No, he's in his charging pen,
thank god.
Gold would've crushed him
if he was out here.
O'Doyle? Banks?
Shit.
Are you serious?
I know you're in there.
You stole Finch's van,
and I geotracked it here.
Dammit.
Come in.
Stupid thing sucks.
Push harder.
Use your shoulder.
Don't tell me what to do.
Wha Guys! What the fuck?!
What is going on here?!
His mother united rival clans
under her thrall
for the first time in centuries,
and they combined powers
to do an ancient Shaleelay ritual
to teleport it
into his townhouse.
Goddammit!
That's insane!
Banks, I expect this from him,
but not from you.
Oh, screw you, sir.
I don't want your favoritism
if it means throwing
O'Doyle under the bus.
You know what? I'm
just gonna turn myself in.
Be done with all of this.
No!
You can't turn yourself in.
You ran from the FBI. They'll
never believe you were innocent!
Oh, now you care about
my innocence?!
I had to lie today,
and I liked it!
And I want to keep doing it!
Thanks to you!
Oh, boo-hoo, you big baby.
You think this has been
a "fun day" for me?
You're the big baby!
You better be lying.
Hey! Hey, whoa. That's enough.
Let's talk like adults.
O'Doyle, how does what the
President said make you feel?
Betrayed!
I told him to not involve me,
and he sided with strangers!
I sided with America!
It's not my fault your mother
actually is Lex Luthor.
Sir, it's not your turn.
Listen to O'Doyle
and acknowledge what you heard.
I heard, "Boo-hoo."
Well, I heard,
"You're a terrible friend,"
because that's what you are!
Oh, take it back!
Never!
Executive order!
Abuse of power!
Oh, my god,
are you guys serious?!
Jesus Christ.
Sir, say something nice
about O'Doyle.
He's a good crier.
You better say something nice.
I dunno he's loyal.
Mm-hmm. O'Doyle, say something
nice about the President.
I don't
He usually has my back.
So this was a time
when you felt like he didn't?
Yes.
Sir?
I'm sorry.
Loud and proud.
I'm not repeating it.
Okay, good enough.
You guys want to hug this out?
There we go. See?
All on the same team.
Right. So Whatever this is,
it's part of your mother's plan.
And the only way to beat her
is to do something insane
and problematic.
We need to reverse-rob Fort Knox.
Reverse-rob?
Sneak the gold back in.
Sir, how the hell are we gonna
reverse-rob Fort Knox?
Well, Banks, I think we
need to think a little smaller.
Goddammit, Finch, it still
looks like a huge pile of gold!
Look, you gave me 30 minutes
to build a shrinkalyzer.
I built it. I shrunk it.
I think this is
a Finch grand slam.
Fort Knox has three
biometric checkpoints.
How are we gonna sneak
that giant-ass block past them?
With this.
That better not be meth, Finch.
We assume you do it, but
it's different when you see it.
Okay, I brought GunBaby out
for the Shrink Show,
but things are
clearly escalating.
Back to your charging pen, G.B.
Jesus Christ, it's not meth!
It's hair,
from a Fort Knox janitor
whose shift starts in one hour.
See, this hairalyzer extracts
the person's DNA
and pops out a pill
that lets you become them.
I'd like to see meth do that.
I mean, it could work.
But we'll still need to
distract the guards long enough
to get their hair samples.
I'll lie. And trick.
Hell, I'm itching to do it.
Screw that. I'll do it.
I'm not letting my number one
guy take the fall.
Whoo! Aah! Holy shit!
Skin burns a little,
but I'm good!
The voice stays the same?
How does that work?
You know, I'm getting a lot
of notes for someone
who got woken up at 3:00 a.m.
and is still crushing it.
Okay. I'm inside.
Looping
security feeds now.
And no one
dropped a purse, right?
That's how they got caught
in "Speed."
The lady dropped her purse.
No one dropped a purse, sir.
We're clear.
You ready, O'Doyle?
No, sir.
Oh. Well, you look ready.
I'm lying, sir.
I'm lying to you right now.
Oh, I don't like this.
Okay, first guard
is around the corner.
His name is Larry,
he's a foot guy,
and he's having an affair
with a co-worker named Shelly.
I guess as the only female,
we could use my foot?
But I'd have to
Oh, goddammit.
Oh, Larry
Shelly? I-I thought
you had tonight off.
Oh, I've got
tonight off, alright.
And so do my socks.
Hey, it ain't cheatin'
if it's just feet in'.
Now should I pretend to be him
and seduce Shelly?
Hell no.
Alright, access code is
8-0-0-8-1-3-5.
You could have just said BOOBIES.
I'm a grown-ass man.
Sure you are.
Door one Open.
Guard #2, from his
frequent social media posts,
appears to really hate clowns.
Then he's gonna
love Mr. Bubbles.
La, la, la, la, la, la ♪
What the fuck?
I-I told my therapist
this would happen! She said,
"What's the worst thing
that could happen at work?"
And I said this! Fuck!
O'Doyle, breathe.
Do your breath work.
Jesus, how do you guys
walk around like this?
I don't know, Banks.
Door two open.
O'Doyle!
How do we walk around like this?
Goddammit, man.
Oh, come on!
Damn, Shawn, you drunk again?
The craziest thing happened
I-I split me'self in two.
Hi.
Larry? The hell is going on?
I don't know, man.
I'm not good at improv.
I want your face next.
Jesus Christ, O'Doyle.
Too much.
Door three We got there.
Oh, thank god.
Get me out of this fucking body.
Alright, enlargenating now.
Holy shit! We did it!
Reverse Heist complet
Oh, oh, what the hell, man?
Gold
Come on, buddy, put it down.
No! You're not gonna
take me fucking gold!
I'm sorry.
I-I can't control me'self!
I want it!
Come on, man.
We did it.
The worst thing
that could happen right now
is for you to lose yourself.
That's what your mother wants.
I hate her!
I hate her, too,
but you can't let her win.
Francis, me boy.
Did ye miss me?
Ohh, there's me boy.
Your aura's fiery. Ya get that
from your mother's side.
You see what you did to me?
To your own son?!
How did it feel?
Takin' out some old rage
on those Cahill Boys, huh?
I did what I had to do,
which is my job.
I'm not letting you
control me anymore!
Is that what you think this is?
No, no, no, Francis.
I'm inviting you back, son.
To the clan, to power.
I killed 12 rival matriarchs.
Put their clans under me thumb.
Me robbing Fort Knox
was just the beginning.
Actually, it's the end.
Wait
But yer me son.
I saw yer aura.
You can't fake that!
Yeah, you can
by inviting other people in.
That's right, you deceptive fuck.
I Rainbow Connected with him.
I hate you as much as he does.
But it got us the truth.
And now you're going
where liars go.
Orfhlaith O'Doyle.
We got you on robbing Fort Knox
and 12 counts of leprocide.
But, me son. He has the gold.
Check his townhouse!
We don't need to. All the gold
is back in the vault.
What? But how?
Excellent question.
Something you can think about
on the way to The Triangle.
That, and if Harrison here
could look any more beautiful.
Bilkin!
Cute it was, seeing you deceive!
Not half bad for a bastard.
You can't run from who you are!
Hey, fuck her.
You're both my number one guys.
Agent O'Doyle,
I can officially say
you are no longer a person
of interest to the Bureau.
Guess we'll never know who wins
that 50 bucks with you two, huh?
Oh, no, we had sex
in the bathroom two hours ago.
It's a different bathroom
than the one you shit in.
Wow. Wow.
Oh. Damn, I didn't take Bilkin
as a closer.
Welcome to The Triangle!
My name's Warden Earhart.
I'm kind of a ghost,
kind of a zombie,
but what I'm not is someone
who's going to judge you
unless you give me a reason to.
So let's all play nice,
alright, ya rabble-rousers?
Everything's in the shape
of a triangle.
Enjoy the theme!
Look at this uncool person.
Oh, hello, boys.
Hey, what's that? If it's
making you happy, I want it!
You want what?
Well, now I just want it more.
See, me boy,
I always believed
in mind over matter.
Jesus Christ, man!
Fancy seeing you here, darling.
Orfhlaith?
Been a long time, aye?
Heard ye exploded in
some type of biplane accident,
but I know better than anyone,
you're un-kill able.
Which is why you're perfect
for a little job I have.
Leprechauns are matriarchal ♪
Just like my butt ♪
Wash that
presidential butt-hole ♪
Make it sparkle like a dime ♪
I am singing
So I feel less alone ♪
Oh, Larr-y-y-y
No. No, not again!
Never again!
Ouch.
Don't you cry, Shelly.
Don't you ever let them
see you cry.
Are you tired
of being taxed for jerking off?
Visit Hot Not-AI Jerk Off Cams
and find your perfect
tax-exempt pleasure mate.
Oh. I can't afford not to.
Ah! Need eyes
inside the vault, now!
Door one Open.
Door two Open.
Door three We got there.
The gold.
All of the gold is gone!
Fort Knox has been robbed!
Holy shit.
All units. Paranormal perp
outside the gates.
Intercept with extreme caution!
Agent Harrison, FBI.
And you're sure about this?
Of course. I'm on it.
What is it, Harrison?
Not what, who.
Pull every file we have
on leprechauns.
President Curtis.
Damn. No shit.
Yeah, yeah. I'm on it.
Was that the Boring
Police calling
because O'Doyle was taking
forever to move?
I was just about
to attack with my slug.
Your slug doesn't have
the range, bro.
Will you nerds shut up?
All the gold was robbed
from Fort Knox,
and they caught one suspect.
A female leprechaun.
Orfhlaith O'Doyle.
Oh, shit,
she might be related to you!
Oh, shit, she is.
Oh, shit, is that your mother?
Oh, come on!
Obviously!
Oh, shit.
No alarm was triggered.
The gold just vanished.
Your mother was caught
outside the gates here.
No gold on her, either.
It's almost like she
Wanted to get caught?
Obviously.
But why would she
want to get caught?
Who gives a shit?
If the world finds out
America's gold is gone,
it will trigger
a global financial meltdown.
We need it back. Now.
Shoot her into the sun.
What's that?
Shoot her into the sun.
You cannot trust
a leprechaun, ever.
But you're half leprechaun.
I'm sorry, who are you?
The bureau's top
leprechaun experts.
We kinda have a "will-they,
won't-they" thing going on.
I got 50 bucks
that says we will, and fast.
Oh, my god, Bilkin, shut up.
As for your mother,
without evidence,
all we can do
is hold her for questioning.
She'll never talk.
But here's the thing
Your mother said she'd confess.
Only to you.
Perfect reason not to involve me.
That will be part of her plan.
I'm sorry, how the hell
can one leprechaun
move 4,000 metric tons of gold?
Teleportation.
We believe leprechauns
can trick matter
into moving locations.
Ugh. Please. Lepro-portation
is a parlor trick.
The most a leprechaun
could ever move
is a condom out of a wallet.
I didn't rob you, dicks.
I don't lie, and I don't trick.
Then why are you refusing
to cooperate?
This is what I am talking about!
She's tangling us in her web.
Christ, O'Doyle,
your mom isn't Lex Luthor.
Yes, she is.
Come on, man. You can't let
your mom get to you like this.
You need to put that shit
in a box and do the job.
I mean, it is true, O'Doyle.
America needs its gold back.
You'll do it, right?
You'll suck it up and do it?
That's my boy!
See? Number one guy!
Watch. His mother's
gonna be squealing.
I'm telling you, he's ice cold.
Door Open. Hooray.
Should be interesting.
We've never had
a female leprechaun in custody.
I was skeptical
they even existed.
I mean, they're never seen.
Well, I've never seen you cook,
but that doesn't mean
you can't make me dinner.
Ooh, Harrison.
Alright.
Everyone, arms out.
You will be sprayed
with an anti-aura mist.
Us, too?
We're not talking to her.
She can read auras
through all possible barriers.
Both guards who transported her
ended up in the psychiatric ward.
You think a mist can stop her?
She is a miserable spider-witch.
O'Doyle. You can't
let her see you get mad.
Just get that confession.
Open the door.
That's m'job.
Oh-ho-ho!
Francis, me boy.
Tell me, if ye died right now,
and the Lord himself
stood before you and said,
"Ye may enter
the kingdom of heaven
so long as ye tell me true
what are ye,
man or leprechaun?"
What would ye say?
Okay, where's the gold, mother?
Which gold?
You know which gold.
Where did you put it?
Are you really so ashamed
of your heritage, Francis?
Go on. Ask me the right way.
I'll answer.
Where's me gold?
Can we be done torturing me
because I'm half-human?
Wasn't my entire
childhood enough?
Oh, Francis, I treated ye the
same as any leprechaun child.
You just think I treated
you different
because you are different.
So many feelings!
Where is it, mother?
Oh, come on, now. They might not
know about the gold,
but we do. Ay, boy?
Our little secret.
Stop blinking.
Whatever you're doing
is not gonna work.
But it already has.
Okay.
No contact resuming now.
It was great working
with ye, me boy!
What was that winking?
Was she trying to be sexy?
You read that as sexy?
She was blinking
in Gaelic Morse code.
It translates to "CAHILL."
Her rival clan.
Why did your mother say
you worked with her?
Because she's a lying mind worm!
None of you have any idea
what you're dealing with here.
Oh, you're right about that.
Agent O'Doyle, you are now
a person of interest.
We need to hold you
for questioning.
What?
Are you kidding me?
Because she said
I worked with her?
Sir, come on.
You can't honestly side
with my mother here.
She's such a mean asshole!
O'Doyle, just cooperate
so we can bust your mom
and find this gold!
Cooperating got me into this!
Yeah, it's true, sir. He did
tell us this would happen.
Okay, do we need to cuff you,
or will you come willingly?
Can I at least
take a shit first?
All this stress has
my bowels in a knot.
I get it. I'm a nervous shitter,
too. Pumpkin works for me.
Guard, please accompany him
to the bathroom.
This is humiliating.
Cheese cuts both ways, pal.
Man. Unbelievable.
You don't think he's
actually involved, do you?
How would I know? He's whining
like a little diaper boy
while half a trillion
is on the line.
We need focus, not emotion.
Until we find this gold,
you're my number one guy, Banks.
Or, number one girl.
Um, no, that sounds bad.
You're my number one guy,
regardless of boobs or dicks.
Whatever. You get the idea.
I do.
What is taking so long?
Did he fall in?
What the
Stupid thing sucks.
No!
Oh, goddammit!
He told us he had to shit.
Sir, I thought you said
he didn't lie.
Oh, he didn't lie.
Check the toilet.
Damn, he's good.
I'm jealous. Look at that.
All units! We have a runner.
I want everyone on this!
Go, go, go! Follow me!
Mm.
What the
Sonnovabitch.
No, no, no, no, don't shoot!
I'm by myself!
How the fuck did you find me?
Bro, robot brain.
I calculated all possible
trajectories from the river.
That led me here, and I just
paid the lady up front
10 bucks to point out your spot.
Goddammit, Judy.
So, you're here to turn me in?
What? No.
You went into my mind and helped
me, so I'm here to help you.
Go home, Banks.
I will.
Once we get evidence
and clear your name.
Now, where can we find
the Cahill Clan?
I can't go where my mother wants.
Uh, you don't think this is
what she wants?
You locked in a cage?
Taking handle pulls of ersatz
whiskey like a teenage frat boy?
If you don't do something,
she's already won.
I mean the only way
to get info from a leprechaun
is trickery.
And I don't lie.
Well, you won't have to.
We could Rainbow Connect.
What?
A leprechaun mind-meld?
I can artificially
compartmentalize.
The part of you
that hates lying could be in me.
You don't want to hold the part
of a leprechaun that lies.
Trust me.
Buddy, I do trust you.
But you're not going
to prove you're innocent
from your prep per den.
Uhp, hold on.
Wow. You went straight
to baking cookies?
And you went straight
to not getting one.
Wait, no, sorry, I want one.
Donny and Declan Cahill.
I, uh I guess dress
for the job you want, huh?
All leprechauns
wear green, Banks.
It's the shade of green
that matters.
That's their clan color.
Puke?
Summer Artichoke.
God, this is gonna suck.
The Cahills hate me almost
as much as they hate my mother.
Well, if you all hate her,
why not work together
to take her down?
Leprechaun clans don't mix.
Each one operates under the
thumb of a powerful matriarch.
In this case,
Mary Marjorie Cahill.
What are you grinding over there?
Normally we'd both swallow one
to connect.
But swallowing this
would shred your colon,
so I made yours powder.
What the fuck!
Well, I had to get it
in there deep.
Into your chakra.
You're gonna see what I see,
feel what I feel.
Repeat after me.
Hok. Lok. Ba-gok.
Hok. Lok. Ba-gok.
Whoa! Ho. Mama.
Yeah, I'm feeling it.
I'm feeling what you're feeling.
Lie to me.
What?
Use my mind,
let me compartmentalize
that shame, fear, whatever.
We need to make sure it works.
I'm so glad you made me do this.
Haaaha! Holy fuck.
It's like a lightning bolt
of sugar up my dick.
I can taste infinity.
It's working.
I thought you hated lying.
Yeah. Because
it feels incredible.
It's biologically addicting.
The more we lie,
the more we want to lie.
Alright, I'm
Going in. I know.
We're melded.
You're annoyed.
You're even more annoyed
that I know you're annoyed.
I'm going in!
You're going in!
Is that?
Your brownest beer.
Warm.
Only beer we have,
only way we have it.
Well, if it ain't
No-Lies O'Doyle!
Heard ye were working
for the feds.
You wearing a wire, Doyley?
No, I'm not wearing a wire.
And the feds can go
fuck themselves.
Oy, are ya Rainbow Connected?
-No.
-Whoo!
Hot sugar, gasoline!
Hit me with the lies!
Ripping and tearing!
Well, if ya ain't here
to spy on us, why are ya here?
For a warm beer.
And to take down my mother.
She stole a lot of gold.
Tell me what you know,
I'll split what I find with you.
Oy! Fellas! Babby O'Doyle's
got a proposition for us!
Let's give him a warm welcome.
Hey, Doyley, remember
how yeh refused to tell a lie,
even after yer mammy glued
a dog mask to your head
and made you herd sheep
for a week?
How 'bout when Doyley
got caught dancin' in the moors?
Then Orfhlaith made him jig
till his toes went bloody?
If you call that dancin'!
Worst jig I ever seen!
Ho-kay, this is different.
This is fire.
Deep knives.
Oh, my god, I am jacked up!
Memories flooding back,
eh, Doyley?
Can you believe
he actually came here?!
Just like she said he would!
Wait, my mother?
Raah!! I'm not okay!!
-Sweet Jesus!
-Get out!
Banks!
The hell are you doing??
You didn't tell me
about the rage!
Everyone has rage!
This is different!
There's layer after layer.
You're like a lasagne of pain!
Did someone say lasagne?
Who is this giant-ass Garfield?!
A meglochaun. They're bred
by the clan to be huge
for fighting. It's a trick
they played on their own DNA.
Ow! Shit!
I can feel the punches!
You were Rainbow Connected?
No-Lies, you told a lie?!
I'm not a bad dancer!
Raah!!
Declan. You're gonna tell me
everything you know about the
Oh, sweet Jesus.
Is that your mother?
No, no, no, no.
The body came with the place.
Oh, come on, Factua Root?
No, no, no. Please.
I hate telling the truth!
Chew it.
I don't want to!
There we go.
Nummy tummy.
Now. If your queen's dead, how
is this clan still operating?
Your mother! Christ, Doyley!
Your mother's our queen!
What?!
Our mom, Marjorie,
she was getting weak.
Orfhlaith made us an offer.
Protection. Power.
You let her kill your own mother?
Oh, not just us.
All the rivals.
She's uniting the clans, sonny.
Ya see, you get
enough leps working together,
you can unlock powers.
How else do ya think we moved
all that Fort Knox gold?
A Shaleelay?
You actually did it?
I thought
it was a myth, too, lad.
But she wanted to show you
it's real.
Welcome you back home.
You didn't.
Oh, ho, ho, but we did!
Ow!
Banks, we need to go, now!
Can I finish choking it out?
Okay, but make it quick.
Why aren't
you opening it?
What are you,
the door police?
I'm trying.
It's hitting something.
So maybe stop pushing it.
Don't tell me what to do!
Goddammit.
Goddammit.
Move, come on, move.
Oh, my god, I knew it!
This is classic my mother!
We should remove
the Rainbow Connection.
Yeah. Get out of my head.
God, your mom sucks.
Yeah.
Did GunBaby see anything?
No, he's in his charging pen,
thank god.
Gold would've crushed him
if he was out here.
O'Doyle? Banks?
Shit.
Are you serious?
I know you're in there.
You stole Finch's van,
and I geotracked it here.
Dammit.
Come in.
Stupid thing sucks.
Push harder.
Use your shoulder.
Don't tell me what to do.
Wha Guys! What the fuck?!
What is going on here?!
His mother united rival clans
under her thrall
for the first time in centuries,
and they combined powers
to do an ancient Shaleelay ritual
to teleport it
into his townhouse.
Goddammit!
That's insane!
Banks, I expect this from him,
but not from you.
Oh, screw you, sir.
I don't want your favoritism
if it means throwing
O'Doyle under the bus.
You know what? I'm
just gonna turn myself in.
Be done with all of this.
No!
You can't turn yourself in.
You ran from the FBI. They'll
never believe you were innocent!
Oh, now you care about
my innocence?!
I had to lie today,
and I liked it!
And I want to keep doing it!
Thanks to you!
Oh, boo-hoo, you big baby.
You think this has been
a "fun day" for me?
You're the big baby!
You better be lying.
Hey! Hey, whoa. That's enough.
Let's talk like adults.
O'Doyle, how does what the
President said make you feel?
Betrayed!
I told him to not involve me,
and he sided with strangers!
I sided with America!
It's not my fault your mother
actually is Lex Luthor.
Sir, it's not your turn.
Listen to O'Doyle
and acknowledge what you heard.
I heard, "Boo-hoo."
Well, I heard,
"You're a terrible friend,"
because that's what you are!
Oh, take it back!
Never!
Executive order!
Abuse of power!
Oh, my god,
are you guys serious?!
Jesus Christ.
Sir, say something nice
about O'Doyle.
He's a good crier.
You better say something nice.
I dunno he's loyal.
Mm-hmm. O'Doyle, say something
nice about the President.
I don't
He usually has my back.
So this was a time
when you felt like he didn't?
Yes.
Sir?
I'm sorry.
Loud and proud.
I'm not repeating it.
Okay, good enough.
You guys want to hug this out?
There we go. See?
All on the same team.
Right. So Whatever this is,
it's part of your mother's plan.
And the only way to beat her
is to do something insane
and problematic.
We need to reverse-rob Fort Knox.
Reverse-rob?
Sneak the gold back in.
Sir, how the hell are we gonna
reverse-rob Fort Knox?
Well, Banks, I think we
need to think a little smaller.
Goddammit, Finch, it still
looks like a huge pile of gold!
Look, you gave me 30 minutes
to build a shrinkalyzer.
I built it. I shrunk it.
I think this is
a Finch grand slam.
Fort Knox has three
biometric checkpoints.
How are we gonna sneak
that giant-ass block past them?
With this.
That better not be meth, Finch.
We assume you do it, but
it's different when you see it.
Okay, I brought GunBaby out
for the Shrink Show,
but things are
clearly escalating.
Back to your charging pen, G.B.
Jesus Christ, it's not meth!
It's hair,
from a Fort Knox janitor
whose shift starts in one hour.
See, this hairalyzer extracts
the person's DNA
and pops out a pill
that lets you become them.
I'd like to see meth do that.
I mean, it could work.
But we'll still need to
distract the guards long enough
to get their hair samples.
I'll lie. And trick.
Hell, I'm itching to do it.
Screw that. I'll do it.
I'm not letting my number one
guy take the fall.
Whoo! Aah! Holy shit!
Skin burns a little,
but I'm good!
The voice stays the same?
How does that work?
You know, I'm getting a lot
of notes for someone
who got woken up at 3:00 a.m.
and is still crushing it.
Okay. I'm inside.
Looping
security feeds now.
And no one
dropped a purse, right?
That's how they got caught
in "Speed."
The lady dropped her purse.
No one dropped a purse, sir.
We're clear.
You ready, O'Doyle?
No, sir.
Oh. Well, you look ready.
I'm lying, sir.
I'm lying to you right now.
Oh, I don't like this.
Okay, first guard
is around the corner.
His name is Larry,
he's a foot guy,
and he's having an affair
with a co-worker named Shelly.
I guess as the only female,
we could use my foot?
But I'd have to
Oh, goddammit.
Oh, Larry
Shelly? I-I thought
you had tonight off.
Oh, I've got
tonight off, alright.
And so do my socks.
Hey, it ain't cheatin'
if it's just feet in'.
Now should I pretend to be him
and seduce Shelly?
Hell no.
Alright, access code is
8-0-0-8-1-3-5.
You could have just said BOOBIES.
I'm a grown-ass man.
Sure you are.
Door one Open.
Guard #2, from his
frequent social media posts,
appears to really hate clowns.
Then he's gonna
love Mr. Bubbles.
La, la, la, la, la, la ♪
What the fuck?
I-I told my therapist
this would happen! She said,
"What's the worst thing
that could happen at work?"
And I said this! Fuck!
O'Doyle, breathe.
Do your breath work.
Jesus, how do you guys
walk around like this?
I don't know, Banks.
Door two open.
O'Doyle!
How do we walk around like this?
Goddammit, man.
Oh, come on!
Damn, Shawn, you drunk again?
The craziest thing happened
I-I split me'self in two.
Hi.
Larry? The hell is going on?
I don't know, man.
I'm not good at improv.
I want your face next.
Jesus Christ, O'Doyle.
Too much.
Door three We got there.
Oh, thank god.
Get me out of this fucking body.
Alright, enlargenating now.
Holy shit! We did it!
Reverse Heist complet
Oh, oh, what the hell, man?
Gold
Come on, buddy, put it down.
No! You're not gonna
take me fucking gold!
I'm sorry.
I-I can't control me'self!
I want it!
Come on, man.
We did it.
The worst thing
that could happen right now
is for you to lose yourself.
That's what your mother wants.
I hate her!
I hate her, too,
but you can't let her win.
Francis, me boy.
Did ye miss me?
Ohh, there's me boy.
Your aura's fiery. Ya get that
from your mother's side.
You see what you did to me?
To your own son?!
How did it feel?
Takin' out some old rage
on those Cahill Boys, huh?
I did what I had to do,
which is my job.
I'm not letting you
control me anymore!
Is that what you think this is?
No, no, no, Francis.
I'm inviting you back, son.
To the clan, to power.
I killed 12 rival matriarchs.
Put their clans under me thumb.
Me robbing Fort Knox
was just the beginning.
Actually, it's the end.
Wait
But yer me son.
I saw yer aura.
You can't fake that!
Yeah, you can
by inviting other people in.
That's right, you deceptive fuck.
I Rainbow Connected with him.
I hate you as much as he does.
But it got us the truth.
And now you're going
where liars go.
Orfhlaith O'Doyle.
We got you on robbing Fort Knox
and 12 counts of leprocide.
But, me son. He has the gold.
Check his townhouse!
We don't need to. All the gold
is back in the vault.
What? But how?
Excellent question.
Something you can think about
on the way to The Triangle.
That, and if Harrison here
could look any more beautiful.
Bilkin!
Cute it was, seeing you deceive!
Not half bad for a bastard.
You can't run from who you are!
Hey, fuck her.
You're both my number one guys.
Agent O'Doyle,
I can officially say
you are no longer a person
of interest to the Bureau.
Guess we'll never know who wins
that 50 bucks with you two, huh?
Oh, no, we had sex
in the bathroom two hours ago.
It's a different bathroom
than the one you shit in.
Wow. Wow.
Oh. Damn, I didn't take Bilkin
as a closer.
Welcome to The Triangle!
My name's Warden Earhart.
I'm kind of a ghost,
kind of a zombie,
but what I'm not is someone
who's going to judge you
unless you give me a reason to.
So let's all play nice,
alright, ya rabble-rousers?
Everything's in the shape
of a triangle.
Enjoy the theme!
Look at this uncool person.
Oh, hello, boys.
Hey, what's that? If it's
making you happy, I want it!
You want what?
Well, now I just want it more.
See, me boy,
I always believed
in mind over matter.
Jesus Christ, man!
Fancy seeing you here, darling.
Orfhlaith?
Been a long time, aye?
Heard ye exploded in
some type of biplane accident,
but I know better than anyone,
you're un-kill able.
Which is why you're perfect
for a little job I have.
Leprechauns are matriarchal ♪
Just like my butt ♪
Wash that
presidential butt-hole ♪
Make it sparkle like a dime ♪
I am singing
So I feel less alone ♪
Oh, Larr-y-y-y
No. No, not again!
Never again!
Ouch.
Don't you cry, Shelly.
Don't you ever let them
see you cry.