Santa Inc. (2021) s01e08 Episode Script

Candy:
Listen, listen!
Santa and the Board
are corrupt!
This is going to end
starting here and now!
And I have a plan!
-(all cheering)
-Cookie: Yes, Candy!
That's my best friend. Mine.
Together, we are gonna burn
this mother to the ground!
(all cheering)
We can force them to change
because we are
stronger together.
So, the plan is
dramatic pause, drum roll
-a walkout!
-Crowd: Ahh.
On Christmas Eve,
right before
the sleigh takes off.
Then, we will show
Santa and everyone
we are the ones who
make Santa Inc. run.
-Without us,
Christmas is nothing!
-(all cheering)
I knew you'd
be into that.
(chuckles)
And I call this plan
Operation Santa Stink.
(confused grumbling)
Get it? 'Cause instead
of "Inc.," it's "stink."
God, Jesus, you
guys are so picky.
What about
Operation Fuck Santa?
(all cheering)
-Fuck Santa!
-Fuck him!
Now listen to Candy.
You did once before.
Thanks, Mrs. C.
Now everyone,
for the next month,
act normal.
Get ready for Christmas Eve
like every other year.
We can't let
upper management
find out our plan.
The element of surprise
is everything, like this!
(crowd cheers and whistles)
(joyful music playing)
Jingle Jim,
I need you to go back
to work this month
and make sure
Santa stays oblivious.
-You think you can do that?
-Uh, duh.
Keeping Santa in the dark
is my number one skill.
He still doesn't know
about the weekend
fuck-a-thons
in his office.
What do you need
me to do, Candy?
(gasps)
Ooh, can I be
one of those
cool lady spies
who has to have sex
with all the bad guys,
so they'll stop being bad?
Well, in a sense yes.
Fuck yes! A new season
of "Leprechaun Kitchen"!
Best night ever!
(music on TV)
Come on in
and dance a jig ♪
See tiny hands make
food that's big ♪
Leprechaun's Kitchen,
oh yeah ♪
Dave-Pierre:
When Christmas Eve is done,
you'll come back to me
and the Thirsty Deer, right?
Because I
-I love you.
-(chuckles) Oh!
Oh my. How, uh
how super.
Oh, okay.
So, you don't
love me back.
That's cool.
My ego can handle it.
I'm sorry, Dave-Pierre,
I'm just figuring
out who I am
after years as
a powerful man's wife.
I think I just
need to explore
what it means
to be just Leonard.
You rejecting me
to reclaim your autonomy
is so fucking hot, Leonard.
But, just know,
I would love,
to one day
-put a baby in there.
-(Mrs. Claus laughs)
That is so sweet.
I'm almost 80.
What the fuck?
Eamon's going home?
His cabbage and mash
was the shit.
That looked delicious.
Did you see his plating?
I know,
but Shannon's
soda bread
was the best
Chef ever had.
Fuck Shannon
and fuck Chef!
I don't care how
many Michelin Clovers
that asshole has.
He's a pretentious prick.
Baby!
You're back! Mmm.
Hi
I used your moisturizer.
Uh, is that all right?
Nick!
Is Devin, uh,
living here?
Of course not! No!
(softly):
Go, Devin. Leave.
Beat it, kid.
"Kid"?
What happened to "Dr. D."?
I'm sorry, I don't
have anywhere to go.
My parents can't
handle all the paparazzi.
-It's fine. You can stay.
-Cool!
Let me just say,
I am so sorry.
I'm sure you
wanna have a big talk
about all your issues,
which is obviously great,
and exactly
what I wanna do.
Actually,
I'm pretty exhausted.
Can we not
do the whole
relationship talk
-(chuckles) right now?
-Yes, yes, of course!
Whenever is good for you,
and if that means not ever
rehashing every inch
of our relationship,
which I'm totally
happy to do,
then, let's not
do that, ever.
Oh my god.
Oh god.
You know,
I am aware
(sniffs)
that you, probably,
fucked that bartender,
but if that
means we get
to eat cupcakes,
I am--
I am okay
with that.
Yeah!
And, hey,
I have no idea what
you're talkin' about,
but I like
this setup.
Should we order wings,
and play Never Have I Ever?
Oh. (chuckles)
Ho, ho, ho.
Ho, ho, ho.
(all laughing)
(garbage disposal whirring)
What's up,
motherfuckers?!
We're back!
And, this time,
we're living
here forever.
(sarcastically):
You squandered all the money?
Shocking.
I should've put money on that.
No, we missed you,
Candy the Cynic.
Yeah, we did.
And we squandered it.
Except for what
we used on that
high-powered
English attorney
to get ya
outta jail.
Wait, hold on.
Biscuit said
she was paid by
rapists
and degenerates--
-Oh.
-Grandpa Smalls:
In the Jewish religion,
a true gift
of charity
is anonymous.
It's called tzedakah.
But in the Smalls
family tradition,
you wanna know how
much we had to fork
out to spring you?
Aww, no, no need,
but that is so nice.
It's almost like,
I don't know,
something people who
love each other would do.
Get over here.
Candy, you're
my only sister,
and I've gotta
tell you somethin'
from the heart--
Hold on.
I have to say
this right now
-(flatulence)
-Oh, what the fuck?!
That's what
I was gonna do!
Come here!
-Fuckin' fart on you!
-(flatulence)
Candy:
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
Help me!
Someone is attacking
my daughter!
(hopeful music plays)
(intense music plays)
Candy:
The most important
plan of action,
do not let the A-Team eat
those Christmas Spirit Bars
by any means necessary.
We're talking trespassing.
Unbelievably
realistic disguises.
Even it if means
tampering with the Christmas
chocolate supply.
♪
We're using our
most intelligent
inside resources
to intervene
in the energy bar swap.
Yes, everyone,
I work here again.
You don't have to act cool.
I know you missed me.
She was?
We live in a nightmare
dumpster fire of hell!
Oh, oh yeah.
(upbeat music playing)
Candy:
This year, we're fixing
the sins of the past.
As God as my witness,
as long as I live,
there will be no meth addiction
at Santa Inc. ever again!
I promise you that.
♪
(both grunting)
This is so annoying!
Where's my fuckin' rush?!
Normally, after this many
Christmas Spirit Bars,
I feel like a Norse God
commanding the sea
to kill my enemies,
but I just feel blah.
Ah, ah, I feel
like I have lice.
-Is it supposed
to be this itchy?
-I don't know.
-Jingle Jim, is it
supposed to be that itchy?
-No idea.
Candy is
in charge of all
the fabric choices.
And I know it's a hat,
but I feel like it makes
my ass look fatter.
Is that bad or good?
‘Cause like,
do I wanna leave some
up to the imagination?
I know it's on-brand,
I know some people
like fat asses.
Will you just shut up?!
None of you know anything!
I need Candy!
(all gasp)
It's a word
as well as a name,
and I got that
low blood suge,
so I need some candy.
That's what I meant.
Skittles or some fuckin' Twix,
or a, a Rollo
or some fuckin' shit.
Someone go get me
some fuckin' candy!
Coming right up, sir.
And can I get anyone
an espresso drink?
Scones?
I'll take
a double shot.
I'm the best employee
that ever lived!
(snoring)
(sighs)
So, does Candy
think my thing
with Devin is
a total joke?
I don't know.
We haven't talked about it.
Ha! There's no way Candy
hasn't talked tons of shit.
I saw her once,
and your name
didn't even come up.
Mm-hm, so what did
y'all talk about then?
Oh, you know us
(chuckles)
topical world
issues and such.
Uh events
that are current.
Really?
Say one thing related
to the topics of today.
There was an election
in some continents,
and, you know,
people like, uh,
they got involved in it,
and some, uh,
super fucked-up
shit went down.
Busted!
You lying friend
of a shit talker!
-I'm not lying!
-Of course, you are!
You're a nervous wreck.
No, sir. I am chill.
So chill.
Just a big bowl of chili.
Where's the hot sauce?
Then why have
you stress-eaten
half of your husband?
-Oh my god!
-Spill it! Right now!
Fine, Candy is planning
a walkout on Christmas Eve,
so Santa will realize how
important we workers are,
and finally make
some changes!
Mmm, mm, mm, mm.
Cookie, I wish you
had the guts to admit
Candy's talking shit
instead of making up
crazy crap like that.
You're on my list, too!
Oh, oh my god.
Oh, I had this nightmare
that someone threw
a grenade at my legs,
and they were blown off.
(yawns)
But it was just a dream.
(gasps)
Ahh!
(joyful music plays)
Today is your big day,
since you'll most likely never
find someone to marry you.
I can't wait
‘til you open it.
It's a hat.
Oh my god
Dad's coal miner hat?
Yes, your father is
lookin' down on us,
and is very proud of you,
but if I know him
stop staring
at my tits, Dave!
You said you
buried this with Dad.
Wait, I've seen this
before but upside down.
Oh, you keep
your dildos in this,
but I mean thank you.
Tony:
Got a little somethin'
in my eye here.
I can feel you
picking my pocket.
Junior:
I'm the leader of the sleigh.
I can be late,
like a fuckin' boss,
but I can't be
actually late!
Jesus!
Any idiot knows you take
the desolate back roads
on Christmas Eve.
-What's wrong with you?
-This mornin' at breakfast,
my wife told me
she was in love
with a woman.
-This shit is insane.
-It's actually not.
-She was a lesbian when we met.
-Ahh! Fuck you, Penguin!
I wasn't done
speakin' to you.
(horns honking)
(car radio plays)
-(phone beeps)
-Oh fuck!
-(thud, tires screeching)
-Ahh!
(horn blaring)
Oh fuck, oh fuck,
oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck.
Junior?
(grunting)
I didn't see you.
No shit, you stupid asshole!
Women drivers should be shot!
(gasps)
My nose! My fucking nose!
Get me help!
-I will. Let me just--
-Learn how to not
be a dumb shit?
Impossible! Now, come on!
Move yo' ass!
Ow! Ah! Ah, shit!
Take your little
bitch elf digits,
and call
a fuckin' ambulance.
Move faster!
I'm suffering,
you insufferable
idiot elf!
Come on! Do something!
I'm really hurt!
I realize that
you fucking caribou.
T-Then, why aren't
you callin' for help?
I'm, I'm sorry.
You're not a loser.
You're so fuckin' hot.
Once they stitch me up,
I will totally fuck you.
Now go and call, please!
(coughing)
I hate you.
(grunts)
Whoa.
(singing):
Christmas is here ♪
Let's all give
a cheer, hurray ♪
We've waited 365 days ♪
For Christmas to be here ♪
Pine trees we can smell ♪
Jingle a bell ♪
Toss a ball of snow,
come on, Santa, let's go ♪
Christmas is here ♪
Hmm, big crowd.
-How's it going?
-Perfectly according to plan
as it does
every year.
Coolio, featuring L.V.
Let's go get these
meet-and-greets
out of the way.
Oh my god, finally!
Sorry, sorry.
There was insane,
um, traffic.
-Hey, Candy, we're all set up.
-Candy: Thanks, D.P.
But, Cookie,
why are you here?
I thought you were supposed
to be loading up the sleigh?
Nope, I quit today.
I'm officially
a stay-at-home
mom now!
But I wanted
to wish you luck.
Yeah, thanks.
Th-Thank you, Cookie.
And, and, and
I'm so happy for you.
-You seemed freaked out.
-It's just--
What if I did
something really bad,
but, you know, ultimately,
it-it's for the greater good?
Did you hire
a hitman to kill Craig?
-Because we're good now.
-(alarm sounds)
Jingle Jim (on speaker):
Greetings! It's sundown here
at lovely Santa Inc.,
which means
Operation Fuck Santa begins!
What the fuck?
(singing)
The walkout is here ♪
Walkout, walkout ♪
Let's all give
a cheer, hurrah ♪
Waited all our lives
on a compromise ♪
And the walkout
is finally here ♪
Our souls we did sell ♪
You can all go to hell ♪
Last year
I lost a toe!
Santa's such
a fucking schmo!
But I can still walk
the fuck outta here!
-(workers cheering)
-(Devin whimpering)
I bled for this company ♪
Green and red ♪
Now my bank account's empty ♪
And my heart is dead ♪
The walkout is ♪
Finally, finally, finally ♪
Jesus Christ, finally!
The walkout is finally here ♪
What the hell is this?
A walkout,
sweetie. Bye!
- Health care is a
-Workers: Right!
Maternity leave is not
A vacation!
Hazard Pay
Is earned!
Santa and the Board can
Workers:
Suck our dicks!
Look, I know you all have
a lotta gripes with me,
and how I run Santa Inc.,
but are you so out
to just fuck me
that you would destroy Christmas
for millions of children--
Okay, enough!
You're not gonna
manipulate me again!
No way!
What about the kids--
What about the kids
of the people who work
for your company?
You've been screwing
them for generations!
So, so, no, don't
give me that kid crap.
You don't
care about kids.
You care
about yourself.
You don't know what
you're talking about.
You know, I didn't.
But now I do.
I know everything, Santa.
I know everything.
About the meth,
and the bribes,
and the payoffs
to coal families,
and the illegal titanium
exported from arms dealers
in the Middle East to use
in your lap implants.
That's a lie!
What are you even
talkin' about?
Are you high right now?
You look really high right now.
Your pupils are
huge and tiny
at the same time,
and you look fucked!
I know I'm right,
and I can go right now,
and tell the press,
tell everyone,
and you will go down in history
as the most corrupt
Santa who has ever lived.
Or you can agree
right now to meet
the workers' demands.
Maternity leave,
coal miners
retirement pensions,
not to mention
the lack of any real
health care system.
And if you finally
address these issues,
I can agree to keep
my mouth shut about
your real legacy.
It's up to you.
This isn't about them, Candy.
This is about you.
Pfft, you're so wrong.
Well, take it from someone
who knows, one day, it will be.
All:
Hey! Hey! Ho! Ho! Ho!
Santa Claus has got to go!
Hey! Hey! Ho! Ho! Ho!
Santa Claus has got to go!
Everyone!
Santa and I have spoken.
Turns out,
he's a reasonable man,
and he's agreed to our demands!
(cheering)
He agreed to implement
maternity leave.
-(cheering)
-What the fuck?
And I missed out on it?
Oh well,
I guess Chubby Brenda
can come clean now.
Everyone!
Brenda's not chubby!
She's having twins!
(cheering)
He agreed to give
the coal miners a fair pension,
so they can retire with
the dignity they deserve.
Lumpy,
now you can afford
those dick implants!
No more stuffin'
penny rolls down
your Speedo!
Congrats, Lumpy!
And congrats to all
of you because we did it!
And now, we will finally
be treated fairly
(cheering)
which is why we need to
abort Operation
Fuck Santa Claus,
get back to work,
and make this the best
Christmas ever.
(confused chatter)
I know this seems confusing.
Walking out just so
we can walk back in?
I mean, uh, what kind
of nutty protest is this?
But Santa agreed
to our most basic demands,
so I'm confident more
change is on the horizon.
And when you really
think about it,
you know, when you're a kid,
there's only one day a year
more special than any other day.
One day where you get
presents just for being you.
Even if on other days
your mom snaps at you,
or your brother is annoying,
or or your dad never
makes it home from work.
There's one day
when the world smiles down,
and says, "You matter, kiddo."
And that day is Christmas.
And we are the magic
behind that day.
And, to me
that's pretty fuckin' huge.
So, come on, guys!
Let's get back to work,
and get these fuckin' kids
some fuckin' presents!
- Feliz Navidad, motherfuckers!
-(all cheering)
Lookin' good, guys.
Stacks go by continent,
you know, there you go!
Uh, so is this when
I give the pep talk
to the reindeer?
That, that happens
tonight, right?
It's that time.
How you feelin', champ?
I guess, okay.
Um I'm so nervous
I wish I was dead,
-but, otherwise, I'm fine.
-Yeah, okay, well,
maybe, don't worry
about that right now.
Just, you know,
enjoy the ride.
Woo, woo, woo,
woo, woo, woo!
Yeah! Hello A-Team!
-You all good?
-No, idiot, we're wiped out.
I've never felt
so tired in my life.
And Junior's missing.
Wait, what?!
Junior is missing?
I--
Where could he be?
That, that's crazy!
How-- Who could
see that coming?
Hello?
Is there a problem?
Junior is missing!
It's bad!
It's really, really bad!
Just stop panicking, Devin!
Ugh, chill out!
-(Devin crying)
-But this seems bad!
Is it bad?!
It seems really bad!
It's okay. You guys
get on the sleigh.
We have systems
in place to handle this.
-You're up, bitch.
-What?
Junior isn't here.
We don't have time
to wait for him.
No one's more capable
to lead that sleigh
than you, Goldie.
And that goes
for all of you.
You've been
training hard
all year.
The A-Team doesn't
have the strength
to do it this year,
but you guys do!
So, come on!
It's go time!
Yes, ma'am, bitch!
-Oh, what a relief.
-I couldn't have made it.
Jesus, I could
sleep for a year.
-You're gonna do great.
-Thanks. I love you.
But, hey, what
about the light?
Junior leads the sleigh
with the glow from his nose.
This really means
the world to me.
Is it supposed
to smell like dildos?
That's on purpose.
Now kick ass up there, bitch.
Ah! Goldie!
Oh my god!
Your dream is
coming true!
And we all love
each other again!
Ah, my girls,
my sisters.
The big three,
we're back, baby!
(cries)
This is a beautiful
moment for friendship.
I love you guys,
but can we do this tomorrow?
I gotta go!
Tell me what the back
of Dolly Parton's
house looks like!
Merry Christmas!
And to all a kick-ass night!
Peace!
(cheering)
-Secure line for Santa.
-Go for Santa.
It's Candy, sir.
I just wanted to say before
you left, you were right.
It is all about the kids.
I'm glad you realized that.
-Candy: One more thing.
-What's that?
Remember I know everything
so I own you, fat man.
♪
(chuckles)
Oh we have fun.
(ominous music playing)
(light fizzling)
(upbeat music playing)
♪
Santa, Santa, Santa,
Santa, Santa, Santa ♪
Santa, Santa, Santa,
Santa, Santa, Santa ♪
Santa, Santa, Santa,
Santa, Santa, Santa ♪
Santa, Santa, Santa,
Santa, Santa, Santa ♪
Santa, Santa, Santa, Santa ♪