Scrubs (2026) s01e08 Episode Script
My Odds
1
["Virtual Insanity" playing]
And it's a wonder men can eat at all ♪
[J.D.] I had finally hit my stride
as chief of medicine.
I was bonding with the staff
[singsongy] Okay,
Mr. It's-a-New-Dawn-It's-a-New-Day.
Ooh, big doctor energy.
[J.D.] nailing it as a teacher
Remember when I taught you
about the oncotic pressure
and third spacing of fluid
in liver patients?
- Thank you.
- On it.
[J.D.] and keeping up physician morale.
[Turk] Ooh.
Handful of cake
and it ain't even my birthday.
I was born this way. Never done one squat.
Oh, I know.
Even Turk's rock-hard tush
couldn't knock me off my game.
What the
Good morning, oldie. You can imagine
my pleasure and shock
to see you haven't yet turned this place
into a Spirit Halloween store.
Kudos on passing the lowest bar possible.
What are you doing here? Is it
something with me? I'm incredibly busy.
But okay, I've moved some things around.
I'm free now.
Ugh, Perry, is this man bothering you?
No, but he has been
for the better part of 25 years.
And if you must know,
Park and I have dinner plans.
- [Kevin] Mmm.
- But, pumpkin, relax,
we're gonna stop at Zales afterwards
and get you something gorge.
Oh, I love that. What piece of jewelry
screams daddy issues?
- I wouldn't know, Park.
- Oh, definitely a belly chain.
Well, if you're missing your daddy,
then I'm thinking a locket.
[J.D.] Ooh, I would love a locket.
- Off we go.
- [Kevin] Mmm.
Oldie.
[J.D.] Don't worry, he's gonna look back.
He's gonna look back.
He's gonna look back. Nope.
He put his arm on his shoulder.
[Perry] I gotta hand it to you
Dude, summon your big doctor energy
and glide away.
[Perry] I was thinking
the same thing.
- Same here.
- [Kevin chuckles]
Futures made of virtual insanity ♪
Oh, my goodness.
Doctor, you're really something.
[grunts]
Always seem to be governed
By this love we have ♪
Turk, come back.
I can't.
I'm in my Jamiroquai flow state, baby.
Oh, now there is no sound
For we all live underground ♪
He's so smooth.
I can't do this all on my own ♪
No, I know I'm no Superman ♪
I'm no Superman ♪
[J.D.] Since Dr. Cox was here, I wanted to
throw some extra sauce on rounds.
Luckily, I rewatched
Independence Day last night.
Mankind.
That word should have extra meaning
for us all today.
Nailed it.
Look, guys, you are no longer
untrained, untested "newbies."
You have learned so much by now.
[Perry clears throat]
Dr. Dorian is right.
[J.D.] There it is. It only took 25 years.
You have so much more knowledge
than you did six months ago
when you started with me.
Bet you feel pretty good
about that, right?
[chuckling] Right?
Stop smiling.
Because you are, in fact, dangerous.
You now know enough
to think you know everything.
You're like that ten-year-old
at the wheel of a Subaru.
Can your feet reach the pedals?
Well, sure.
Should you actually operate the vehicle?
Under no conditions.
And just like that ten-year-old,
you're all potential killers.
- Uh, Dr. Cox, I'm gonna need you to
- [Perry] That's right, killers.
Killers screaming "whee-hee"
as you blow through the front of a diner,
nearly taking out an innocent family
- splitting up their cheesy fries
- It feels like you're not hearing me.
and sugary beverages.
He's not an employee. I'm powerless.
- [Elliot] It's okay, Sibby.
- I need him to take a listen to me.
Allow me to put Dr. Cox's dark tableau
through the John Dorian positivity filter.
You got this, okay?
Just be alert and bring your A game.
We have a very challenging day today.
All I wanted was for my interns to shine
in front of Dr. Cox today,
but unfortunately,
the odds were against us.
You can't hide from
the hippocratic rule of thirds.
One-third of very sick patients die
no matter what you do,
one-third die because of what you do
and one-third get better on their own.
[all] We're going to do
everything we can for you.
Tosh, patient's labs came back.
She's hyponatremic.
- So start IV sodium replacement.
- Got it.
Good. And don't let Dr. Cox being here
get in your head.
Oh. I won't. I think he's hilarious.
Whenever he starts ranting, I record him
and it, like, always goes viral.
You have a much healthier way
of coping with him than I did.
I gave myself bangs, like, five times.
Oh, my God! I'm so sorry.
[J.D.] I wanted Perry to know
just how well I was filling his shoes.
So the key to teaching my interns
has been my radical approachability.
First of all, there are no dumb questions.
I see. So just dumb statements
like that one?
I'm gonna ignore that.
Second, I never wear my white coat.
I feel like when I dress like an intern,
it says, "I'm just like you guys.
A superhero without a cape."
Well, you're gonna wanna
swoop down out of the sky
and help your equal over there
find whatever it is he's looking for
in the medical waste bin.
Fleming, I have told you before,
if your Invisalign is in there,
it is gone for good.
- Now get. Get, get.
- [metal clangs]
Stupid Fleming and his underbite.
Where are all the interns I told to come
and say nice things about me?
Dr. Dorian, once again,
your brilliant teaching has saved a life.
- Go on.
- My patient was cleared for discharge,
but something felt off.
So I ran some blood cultures
and he's septic.
If you hadn't reviewed the signs with us
this week, I wouldn't have caught it.
[J.D.] And there it was,
the facial contortion Dr. Cox made
when he was struggling
to choke down a compliment.
- [groans]
- [groans] to you, sir.
I could kiss you.
Dr. Dorian, I get that the British thing
is a huge turn-on.
It makes him seem both exotic and safe,
but you cannot kiss him.
No, it's just a figure of speech.
I'm not-- I wasn't trying to kiss him.
No [babbles] I wasn't trying
to kiss him either,
- but here we are.
- May I be excused?
- Yes, please. Go.
- Go to your room.
[J.D.] Thanks to the good news
with Asher's patient,
the odds were starting to tip
in our favor.
And I had to give it to Park,
he was on top of it with Blake's patient.
I've been sick for three weeks.
I'm burning up. I feel like death.
Can I get some antibiotics?
Here's what antibiotics will do
for your viral infection, nothing.
Mmm.
[patient] Nice meeting you.
Whoa. [chuckles]
If you're leaving a comment card,
his name's Dr. Park. [chuckles]
But he-he is right about the antibiotics.
Fine. But if he's wrong,
I'm gonna sue both of you.
Cool.
Chris's infection was caught early
and we expect him to respond well
to treatment.
I'm just waiting on one more test.
Thank you so much, Doctor.
You guys can go in.
- [kid 1] Hi, Dad. You better?
- Hi, Dad.
I love that little voice you do
when you're talking to families.
Well, I'm just doing
all that I can for them.
Let's go to the supply closet right now.
[Asher] Okay, I love supplies.
Here's the results
for your sepsis patient.
You're not gonna like this.
The CT shows he has a deep neck abscess.
I think he might need surgery.
[J.D.] What's all that whispering about?
I knew what I hoped it was.
I was reluctant to say anything
until it went through,
but I submitted me and J.D.
for The Amazing Race.
Do you think you could cover for him
for a month?
Well, only the father of medicine
could cover for that man.
- And he's fine too.
- Gorgeous.
Thank you.
When are you gonna stop
needing his approval?
I don't know, Turk.
When are you gonna stop loving Carla?
J.D., that is not
an appropriate comparison.
The thing I don't get is,
if Cox is just here for dinner,
why is he hanging around
the hospital all day?
You think he's getting intel
about my work as a chief?
Who cares?
Everybody thinks you're doing a great job.
Just keep singing that psych-up song
you sing in your office every morning.
Oh, I didn't know you could hear that.
But I don't care,
because, baby, I am a firework.
Dr. Reid, I bolused
the hypertonic saline solution for Tina.
Wait, you did what?
[panting]
Oh, my God!
You can't bolus hypertonic saline.
You have to calculate the sodium deficit.
Get me a nurse!
Tell them to bring DDAVP and D5W!
I didn't know. W-Will she be okay? Or--
I don't know, Dr. Tosh.
Move out of the way.
Just get out of the room.
Hey, did you see Danny's chest X-ray?
Let me guess,
inconclusive with possible opacity.
Oh, we should give him the antibiotics.
It could be a viral pneumonia
with bacterial superinfection.
What it is is a radiologist
covering their ass.
If they say it's inconclusive,
then they're not responsible
in the 0.0001% chance
that it is pneumonia.
Yeah, but we're on the hook if it is.
Are you really letting your patient
dictate how you treat him?
You have the vibe of a dom top,
but you doctor like a sub bottom.
I bartended at a gay bar.
So I know what that means.
And if being a sub bottom means
not getting sued or worse,
then give it to me, Daddy.
How's my patient?
We have to see how he does
after he gets out of recovery.
I don't understand.
I-I did everything right.
I caught the infection early,
but he still got worse.
Kid, you gotta figure out a way
to cope with stress.
You know what? I have a method I use
that could help. Follow me.
All right,
the rules of the game are simple.
You must jump off
the physical therapy trampoline
and then shoot the mannequin's head
into the bin. Got it?
- I don't think I can hit that.
- Maybe, maybe not.
But when my daughter was in NICU,
all I could do was wait
and this saved my life.
Pro tip, elbows in,
fingertips on the eyelids.
Let's go.
You can do it.
Even if she lives, she could have
neurologic deficit or be in a coma.
Tosh, you can't beat yourself up.
- If I kill someone?
- Well, when you put it like that
Okay, but none of that has happened.
Hopefully, she'll be okay.
[J.D.] Moments like this
live with interns forever.
When a patient is a victim of a mistake,
doctors are the second victim.
Tosh, I know all you're doing
is worrying about that patient.
But it's my job to worry about you.
I want you to go
see a counselor right now.
Honestly, the only positive right now
is that my mentor wasn't here
to see everything fall apart.
I knew white guys were bad at this,
but British white guys are the worst.
I can't stand this waiting.
There has to be something else
we can do for the patient.
Kid, there isn't.
We both did everything we could.
So now's the time to let it go
or leave it with God or the universe
or whatever it is you believe in.
Well, that's never worked for me.
But okay, I believe if you make
that basket, our patient will be okay.
I don't like putting
that type of pressure on myself
and we're doing this
to take our minds off of it. But okay.
Come on, let me show you how it's done.
You ready for this?
Here we go. I got something.
Bank shot. Called it.
- Yeah! I told you!
- Yeah. Yeah.
See, that's what I'm talking about.
That's what I'm
I don't believe in bald-on-bald violence,
but you've given me no choice.
Run. Watch out. He's mad!
[J.D.] That's the thing about this place.
Sometimes all you can do is let go
and hope things work out.
I have some good news.
Tina's stable. She's gonna be all right.
Oh, thank God.
You made a huge mistake
and you got really lucky
and hopefully
you never have to get this lucky again.
Chris is alert and doing well.
Nice shot, Dr. Turk.
Mrs. Johnson, I have some good news.
The good news is I was right
and you were wrong.
Danny's fever broke without antibiotics.
I'm pretty sure the good news
is that Danny's okay.
Listen, I know you blame yourself for
that woman who died in the parking lot,
but doctoring scared will never be
what's best for your patients.
And by the way,
I knew you bartended at Night Gliders.
I recognized you
the minute you stepped foot in here.
Yeah? Well, I remember you too.
You were the only guy who didn't tip.
Yeah, well, you were the only bartender
who wouldn't sleep with me.
Congratulations.
We had three very sick patients
and they're all gonna be okay.
We beat the odds.
So enjoy it. Around here,
that doesn't happen all that often.
- [clears throat]
- Oh. Dr. Cox.
I didn't see you over there.
Do you wanna give one of your famous
"I believed in you the whole time"
speeches?
No, I
[thuds]
- [Asher] Dr. Cox.
- [Blake] Oh, my God.
- [Asher] Checking his pulse.
- [Turk] Get out of the way. Move, move!
[Blake] We need oxygen.
["Time" playing]
[J.D.] It doesn't matter
how many people you save.
When one of your own falls, it hits deep.
Why didn't you come to me
if you haven't been feeling well?
Because I knew you'd turn this into some
overwrought emo crybaby feelings fest.
Hell, I can practically hear the indie
mope music playing in your head right now.
[song rewinds, stops]
I'm just saying, I can't believe
you went with Dr. Park over me.
Yeah, well, he probably knew you'd turn
this into some sort of overwrought emo
- crybaby--
- [whistles] I already said it.
Oh. Well, the good news is your scans
and tumor markers came back negative.
- So it's not cancer.
- Thank God.
We're still waiting on your sed rates,
ANCA and CRP.
We'll know more later this afternoon.
Thank you, Dr. Park. I'd like to
take over Perry's care from here.
Not happening there, Dr. Nurse Jackie.
Come on, you can barely hold it together
with patients coming in off the street.
How are you gonna be objective with me?
And besides, look at yourself. You've
You're already emotional
and you haven't done anything yet.
It's not true. I updated your weight.
Congrats on keeping it tight.
J.D., we both know
if you were to walk into this room
and tell me that I was dying,
it would break you.
No, it would break me if you didn't
give me the opportunity to help you
by doing everything
that you trained me to do.
Still not happening.
Besides, there's no training
for the maniacal patient I plan on being.
Cujo, Old Yeller, pick your rabid dog
and I'm gonna best him.
Now, I will be removing my own IV
because your nurses gave me
regular saline instead of D5W.
[whistles]
[Kevin] Oh, my God.
I think he's actually tearing up
because you mentioned Old Yeller.
I'm not tearing up. I'm not a child.
I don't need to be protected, okay?
And if you want someone
who's gonna take you behind the shed
and shoot you, go with this idiot.
[scoffs]
Dr. Tosh, full disclosure,
outside of this room,
Dr. Reid and I have been enjoying
a blossoming female friendship.
But in here, she's simply participant A
and you're participant B.
Participant A, you have the floor.
I know this morning was really traumatic
and I'm just really glad
that you're talking about it.
That was very nice, participant A.
Participant B,
would you like to read aloud
- your formal complaint against Dr. Reid?
- What?
You told me to raise the sodium
on our patient
but didn't guide me on how to do it.
Yeah, because you should already know
how to do that.
She told me to get out of the room.
[scoffs] You almost killed someone.
- Okay, you can't say that.
- [stammers] She s-screwed up.
- You can't say that either.
- [scoffs]
You made me feel terrible.
It just makes me want to quit.
I'm trying to teach you.
What am I allowed to say?
We'll be covering that
in your mandatory bi-weekly seminar.
Oh, this is so stupid.
Friendship Sibby here, I hear you,
and we will bitch about this later.
Business Sibby, you can't say that.
- Oh, come on.
- [Dubois] Uh-uh.
You are not a doctor in this hospital.
You cannot change your own medication.
This is, in fact,
the same level of pain meds
you'd give to a woman having a C-section,
but since my doula and I have already
discussed having a natural childbirth,
we're going to be lowering the dose
or I'm going to take
this America's best number one pudding
and decorate your wall with it.
You can have this hot mess.
He's all yours.
Oh. I see you've extended
your reign of terror to the staff.
[groans] I gave him something to talk
to his friends about around the hospital.
You know, I've actually come to
appreciate your teaching style.
I mean, not all of it.
I did not think it was necessary
to call me a prostitute
who caters exclusively to clowns.
[laughing] Still makes me laugh in the car
sometimes.
[Elliot] Hmm.
And for what it's worth,
I was too harsh with you.
Sometimes I sit up at night thinking
I actually could have driven you
out of this place.
And if I had, it would have been
my biggest failure
and my greatest regret. [exhales]
I appreciate that.
God, let me be, will you?
I have some decorating
I need to attend to.
Oh, please let him.
I'ma rub his nose in it like a nasty dog.
You know, I've never actually had to sleep
in one of these things,
but I am not leaving your side
until we get your results.
J.D., would you
Would you pray with me?
[J.D.] Wow, first curveball.
Of course.
Cox was never religious.
But when you're facing your own mortality,
you'll try anything.
Dear God, or whosoever up there,
I know I haven't exactly turned to you
pretty much ever,
but I need you now.
So please, Lord, let that chair
fold in on J.D. and quietly suffocate him
so that I might have
a few moments of peace,
if these are, in fact,
my last few moments. Thanks, God.
Go ahead, make your jokes,
but I know you're scared.
For once, just let me be there for you.
[tablet dings]
[J.D.] And there it was, his test results.
I knew how I wanted this to play out.
- [fanfare music playing]
- [announcer] Congratulations!
You're the one-millionth person
to click on test results.
You've won $10,000
and a brand-new Jet Ski.
Oh, no. Not you. Scram.
- J.D., come on, amigo.
- Yes.
- To the lake.
- Whoo-hoo!
[J.D.] But that's not how these things go.
Go ahead
[gentle music playing]
and don't sugarcoat it.
'Cause I understand
what everything means on there.
Dr. Tosh, you got a second?
You said that
I made you feel like quitting.
That would be a real failure
on my part if you did.
But I would also be failing as a teacher
if I didn't hold you accountable
for your mistakes.
I know I messed up.
[sobbing] I was just afraid it meant
I wasn't good enough to be here.
So I blamed you and I'm really sorry.
Come here. Come here.
It's okay.
You know,
you come across a lot more confident.
[crying] That's just a part of my brand.
[J.D.] There are many things
we fool ourselves
into thinking we have control over.
If I make this, Cox is gonna be okay.
He's gonna be okay.
Cox is gonna be okay.
Come on. Let's go. [grunts]
That's it. I'm gonna rip your head off
and do this with it.
Hey, that counts.
That counts!
- [J.D.] But the truth is
- That counts. Come here.
we can never predict
what's in store for us.
You saved a man.
[J.D.] All we can do is be there
for each other
when the odds are against us.
It isn't great.
But it could be worse.
Worse than my own body attacking itself?
[breathing heavily]
This is an autoimmune disease,
for God's sake.
There's no cure for this.
It's a matter of managing the crisis
that's gonna be thrown my way
in the bottom of the ninth.
Perry, you know this disease
has a high survival rate,
especially since we caught it early.
I'm in the beginning stages
of renal failure, J.D.
Yeah, but you can slow all that down.
With aggressive treatment
and immunosuppressants,
microscopic polyangiitis
can easily go into remission.
[sighs] Did you really think
that this couldn't happen?
That just 'cause we're out there
taking care of all of them,
that we'd get some kind of karmic immunity
to protect us
from what's coming for us all?
Yes.
Will you promise me that
you'll keep me alive for a very long time?
Because I don't want my death
to be the thing that makes you cynical.
- I promise--
- Let me finish.
Because I won't be around here
to enjoy it.
And even in death,
I couldn't bear the irony.
All I can hear is that
you're going to let me be your doctor.
I'm already tingling from the prospect
of our sponge baths there, Agatha.
[laughs]
I tried to protect you from this.
Everything I had.
But I am so scared.
I have a plan.
And I don't care if you don't like it.
It is the best path forward.
Turk had asked me when I'd stopped needing
Dr. Cox's approval.
- Okay.
- [J.D.] It was now.
Because now
And I got you.
he needed me.
[lip-synching] Listen up, failures.
[whistles]
- Watch it. Watch it.
- To whomever had the cojones
to stuff their greedy face-hole
with the sandwich
I had clearly labeled with my name,
I hope you enjoyed it,
because I will be slicing you open,
extracting it
and feeding it to you once again,
but this time, it won't be orally. M'kay?
Look how many views you have.
It's gone totally viral.
All these DJs are remixing it.
People just love it.
Uh-huh.
Bring her to me.
["Virtual Insanity" playing]
And it's a wonder men can eat at all ♪
[J.D.] I had finally hit my stride
as chief of medicine.
I was bonding with the staff
[singsongy] Okay,
Mr. It's-a-New-Dawn-It's-a-New-Day.
Ooh, big doctor energy.
[J.D.] nailing it as a teacher
Remember when I taught you
about the oncotic pressure
and third spacing of fluid
in liver patients?
- Thank you.
- On it.
[J.D.] and keeping up physician morale.
[Turk] Ooh.
Handful of cake
and it ain't even my birthday.
I was born this way. Never done one squat.
Oh, I know.
Even Turk's rock-hard tush
couldn't knock me off my game.
What the
Good morning, oldie. You can imagine
my pleasure and shock
to see you haven't yet turned this place
into a Spirit Halloween store.
Kudos on passing the lowest bar possible.
What are you doing here? Is it
something with me? I'm incredibly busy.
But okay, I've moved some things around.
I'm free now.
Ugh, Perry, is this man bothering you?
No, but he has been
for the better part of 25 years.
And if you must know,
Park and I have dinner plans.
- [Kevin] Mmm.
- But, pumpkin, relax,
we're gonna stop at Zales afterwards
and get you something gorge.
Oh, I love that. What piece of jewelry
screams daddy issues?
- I wouldn't know, Park.
- Oh, definitely a belly chain.
Well, if you're missing your daddy,
then I'm thinking a locket.
[J.D.] Ooh, I would love a locket.
- Off we go.
- [Kevin] Mmm.
Oldie.
[J.D.] Don't worry, he's gonna look back.
He's gonna look back.
He's gonna look back. Nope.
He put his arm on his shoulder.
[Perry] I gotta hand it to you
Dude, summon your big doctor energy
and glide away.
[Perry] I was thinking
the same thing.
- Same here.
- [Kevin chuckles]
Futures made of virtual insanity ♪
Oh, my goodness.
Doctor, you're really something.
[grunts]
Always seem to be governed
By this love we have ♪
Turk, come back.
I can't.
I'm in my Jamiroquai flow state, baby.
Oh, now there is no sound
For we all live underground ♪
He's so smooth.
I can't do this all on my own ♪
No, I know I'm no Superman ♪
I'm no Superman ♪
[J.D.] Since Dr. Cox was here, I wanted to
throw some extra sauce on rounds.
Luckily, I rewatched
Independence Day last night.
Mankind.
That word should have extra meaning
for us all today.
Nailed it.
Look, guys, you are no longer
untrained, untested "newbies."
You have learned so much by now.
[Perry clears throat]
Dr. Dorian is right.
[J.D.] There it is. It only took 25 years.
You have so much more knowledge
than you did six months ago
when you started with me.
Bet you feel pretty good
about that, right?
[chuckling] Right?
Stop smiling.
Because you are, in fact, dangerous.
You now know enough
to think you know everything.
You're like that ten-year-old
at the wheel of a Subaru.
Can your feet reach the pedals?
Well, sure.
Should you actually operate the vehicle?
Under no conditions.
And just like that ten-year-old,
you're all potential killers.
- Uh, Dr. Cox, I'm gonna need you to
- [Perry] That's right, killers.
Killers screaming "whee-hee"
as you blow through the front of a diner,
nearly taking out an innocent family
- splitting up their cheesy fries
- It feels like you're not hearing me.
and sugary beverages.
He's not an employee. I'm powerless.
- [Elliot] It's okay, Sibby.
- I need him to take a listen to me.
Allow me to put Dr. Cox's dark tableau
through the John Dorian positivity filter.
You got this, okay?
Just be alert and bring your A game.
We have a very challenging day today.
All I wanted was for my interns to shine
in front of Dr. Cox today,
but unfortunately,
the odds were against us.
You can't hide from
the hippocratic rule of thirds.
One-third of very sick patients die
no matter what you do,
one-third die because of what you do
and one-third get better on their own.
[all] We're going to do
everything we can for you.
Tosh, patient's labs came back.
She's hyponatremic.
- So start IV sodium replacement.
- Got it.
Good. And don't let Dr. Cox being here
get in your head.
Oh. I won't. I think he's hilarious.
Whenever he starts ranting, I record him
and it, like, always goes viral.
You have a much healthier way
of coping with him than I did.
I gave myself bangs, like, five times.
Oh, my God! I'm so sorry.
[J.D.] I wanted Perry to know
just how well I was filling his shoes.
So the key to teaching my interns
has been my radical approachability.
First of all, there are no dumb questions.
I see. So just dumb statements
like that one?
I'm gonna ignore that.
Second, I never wear my white coat.
I feel like when I dress like an intern,
it says, "I'm just like you guys.
A superhero without a cape."
Well, you're gonna wanna
swoop down out of the sky
and help your equal over there
find whatever it is he's looking for
in the medical waste bin.
Fleming, I have told you before,
if your Invisalign is in there,
it is gone for good.
- Now get. Get, get.
- [metal clangs]
Stupid Fleming and his underbite.
Where are all the interns I told to come
and say nice things about me?
Dr. Dorian, once again,
your brilliant teaching has saved a life.
- Go on.
- My patient was cleared for discharge,
but something felt off.
So I ran some blood cultures
and he's septic.
If you hadn't reviewed the signs with us
this week, I wouldn't have caught it.
[J.D.] And there it was,
the facial contortion Dr. Cox made
when he was struggling
to choke down a compliment.
- [groans]
- [groans] to you, sir.
I could kiss you.
Dr. Dorian, I get that the British thing
is a huge turn-on.
It makes him seem both exotic and safe,
but you cannot kiss him.
No, it's just a figure of speech.
I'm not-- I wasn't trying to kiss him.
No [babbles] I wasn't trying
to kiss him either,
- but here we are.
- May I be excused?
- Yes, please. Go.
- Go to your room.
[J.D.] Thanks to the good news
with Asher's patient,
the odds were starting to tip
in our favor.
And I had to give it to Park,
he was on top of it with Blake's patient.
I've been sick for three weeks.
I'm burning up. I feel like death.
Can I get some antibiotics?
Here's what antibiotics will do
for your viral infection, nothing.
Mmm.
[patient] Nice meeting you.
Whoa. [chuckles]
If you're leaving a comment card,
his name's Dr. Park. [chuckles]
But he-he is right about the antibiotics.
Fine. But if he's wrong,
I'm gonna sue both of you.
Cool.
Chris's infection was caught early
and we expect him to respond well
to treatment.
I'm just waiting on one more test.
Thank you so much, Doctor.
You guys can go in.
- [kid 1] Hi, Dad. You better?
- Hi, Dad.
I love that little voice you do
when you're talking to families.
Well, I'm just doing
all that I can for them.
Let's go to the supply closet right now.
[Asher] Okay, I love supplies.
Here's the results
for your sepsis patient.
You're not gonna like this.
The CT shows he has a deep neck abscess.
I think he might need surgery.
[J.D.] What's all that whispering about?
I knew what I hoped it was.
I was reluctant to say anything
until it went through,
but I submitted me and J.D.
for The Amazing Race.
Do you think you could cover for him
for a month?
Well, only the father of medicine
could cover for that man.
- And he's fine too.
- Gorgeous.
Thank you.
When are you gonna stop
needing his approval?
I don't know, Turk.
When are you gonna stop loving Carla?
J.D., that is not
an appropriate comparison.
The thing I don't get is,
if Cox is just here for dinner,
why is he hanging around
the hospital all day?
You think he's getting intel
about my work as a chief?
Who cares?
Everybody thinks you're doing a great job.
Just keep singing that psych-up song
you sing in your office every morning.
Oh, I didn't know you could hear that.
But I don't care,
because, baby, I am a firework.
Dr. Reid, I bolused
the hypertonic saline solution for Tina.
Wait, you did what?
[panting]
Oh, my God!
You can't bolus hypertonic saline.
You have to calculate the sodium deficit.
Get me a nurse!
Tell them to bring DDAVP and D5W!
I didn't know. W-Will she be okay? Or--
I don't know, Dr. Tosh.
Move out of the way.
Just get out of the room.
Hey, did you see Danny's chest X-ray?
Let me guess,
inconclusive with possible opacity.
Oh, we should give him the antibiotics.
It could be a viral pneumonia
with bacterial superinfection.
What it is is a radiologist
covering their ass.
If they say it's inconclusive,
then they're not responsible
in the 0.0001% chance
that it is pneumonia.
Yeah, but we're on the hook if it is.
Are you really letting your patient
dictate how you treat him?
You have the vibe of a dom top,
but you doctor like a sub bottom.
I bartended at a gay bar.
So I know what that means.
And if being a sub bottom means
not getting sued or worse,
then give it to me, Daddy.
How's my patient?
We have to see how he does
after he gets out of recovery.
I don't understand.
I-I did everything right.
I caught the infection early,
but he still got worse.
Kid, you gotta figure out a way
to cope with stress.
You know what? I have a method I use
that could help. Follow me.
All right,
the rules of the game are simple.
You must jump off
the physical therapy trampoline
and then shoot the mannequin's head
into the bin. Got it?
- I don't think I can hit that.
- Maybe, maybe not.
But when my daughter was in NICU,
all I could do was wait
and this saved my life.
Pro tip, elbows in,
fingertips on the eyelids.
Let's go.
You can do it.
Even if she lives, she could have
neurologic deficit or be in a coma.
Tosh, you can't beat yourself up.
- If I kill someone?
- Well, when you put it like that
Okay, but none of that has happened.
Hopefully, she'll be okay.
[J.D.] Moments like this
live with interns forever.
When a patient is a victim of a mistake,
doctors are the second victim.
Tosh, I know all you're doing
is worrying about that patient.
But it's my job to worry about you.
I want you to go
see a counselor right now.
Honestly, the only positive right now
is that my mentor wasn't here
to see everything fall apart.
I knew white guys were bad at this,
but British white guys are the worst.
I can't stand this waiting.
There has to be something else
we can do for the patient.
Kid, there isn't.
We both did everything we could.
So now's the time to let it go
or leave it with God or the universe
or whatever it is you believe in.
Well, that's never worked for me.
But okay, I believe if you make
that basket, our patient will be okay.
I don't like putting
that type of pressure on myself
and we're doing this
to take our minds off of it. But okay.
Come on, let me show you how it's done.
You ready for this?
Here we go. I got something.
Bank shot. Called it.
- Yeah! I told you!
- Yeah. Yeah.
See, that's what I'm talking about.
That's what I'm
I don't believe in bald-on-bald violence,
but you've given me no choice.
Run. Watch out. He's mad!
[J.D.] That's the thing about this place.
Sometimes all you can do is let go
and hope things work out.
I have some good news.
Tina's stable. She's gonna be all right.
Oh, thank God.
You made a huge mistake
and you got really lucky
and hopefully
you never have to get this lucky again.
Chris is alert and doing well.
Nice shot, Dr. Turk.
Mrs. Johnson, I have some good news.
The good news is I was right
and you were wrong.
Danny's fever broke without antibiotics.
I'm pretty sure the good news
is that Danny's okay.
Listen, I know you blame yourself for
that woman who died in the parking lot,
but doctoring scared will never be
what's best for your patients.
And by the way,
I knew you bartended at Night Gliders.
I recognized you
the minute you stepped foot in here.
Yeah? Well, I remember you too.
You were the only guy who didn't tip.
Yeah, well, you were the only bartender
who wouldn't sleep with me.
Congratulations.
We had three very sick patients
and they're all gonna be okay.
We beat the odds.
So enjoy it. Around here,
that doesn't happen all that often.
- [clears throat]
- Oh. Dr. Cox.
I didn't see you over there.
Do you wanna give one of your famous
"I believed in you the whole time"
speeches?
No, I
[thuds]
- [Asher] Dr. Cox.
- [Blake] Oh, my God.
- [Asher] Checking his pulse.
- [Turk] Get out of the way. Move, move!
[Blake] We need oxygen.
["Time" playing]
[J.D.] It doesn't matter
how many people you save.
When one of your own falls, it hits deep.
Why didn't you come to me
if you haven't been feeling well?
Because I knew you'd turn this into some
overwrought emo crybaby feelings fest.
Hell, I can practically hear the indie
mope music playing in your head right now.
[song rewinds, stops]
I'm just saying, I can't believe
you went with Dr. Park over me.
Yeah, well, he probably knew you'd turn
this into some sort of overwrought emo
- crybaby--
- [whistles] I already said it.
Oh. Well, the good news is your scans
and tumor markers came back negative.
- So it's not cancer.
- Thank God.
We're still waiting on your sed rates,
ANCA and CRP.
We'll know more later this afternoon.
Thank you, Dr. Park. I'd like to
take over Perry's care from here.
Not happening there, Dr. Nurse Jackie.
Come on, you can barely hold it together
with patients coming in off the street.
How are you gonna be objective with me?
And besides, look at yourself. You've
You're already emotional
and you haven't done anything yet.
It's not true. I updated your weight.
Congrats on keeping it tight.
J.D., we both know
if you were to walk into this room
and tell me that I was dying,
it would break you.
No, it would break me if you didn't
give me the opportunity to help you
by doing everything
that you trained me to do.
Still not happening.
Besides, there's no training
for the maniacal patient I plan on being.
Cujo, Old Yeller, pick your rabid dog
and I'm gonna best him.
Now, I will be removing my own IV
because your nurses gave me
regular saline instead of D5W.
[whistles]
[Kevin] Oh, my God.
I think he's actually tearing up
because you mentioned Old Yeller.
I'm not tearing up. I'm not a child.
I don't need to be protected, okay?
And if you want someone
who's gonna take you behind the shed
and shoot you, go with this idiot.
[scoffs]
Dr. Tosh, full disclosure,
outside of this room,
Dr. Reid and I have been enjoying
a blossoming female friendship.
But in here, she's simply participant A
and you're participant B.
Participant A, you have the floor.
I know this morning was really traumatic
and I'm just really glad
that you're talking about it.
That was very nice, participant A.
Participant B,
would you like to read aloud
- your formal complaint against Dr. Reid?
- What?
You told me to raise the sodium
on our patient
but didn't guide me on how to do it.
Yeah, because you should already know
how to do that.
She told me to get out of the room.
[scoffs] You almost killed someone.
- Okay, you can't say that.
- [stammers] She s-screwed up.
- You can't say that either.
- [scoffs]
You made me feel terrible.
It just makes me want to quit.
I'm trying to teach you.
What am I allowed to say?
We'll be covering that
in your mandatory bi-weekly seminar.
Oh, this is so stupid.
Friendship Sibby here, I hear you,
and we will bitch about this later.
Business Sibby, you can't say that.
- Oh, come on.
- [Dubois] Uh-uh.
You are not a doctor in this hospital.
You cannot change your own medication.
This is, in fact,
the same level of pain meds
you'd give to a woman having a C-section,
but since my doula and I have already
discussed having a natural childbirth,
we're going to be lowering the dose
or I'm going to take
this America's best number one pudding
and decorate your wall with it.
You can have this hot mess.
He's all yours.
Oh. I see you've extended
your reign of terror to the staff.
[groans] I gave him something to talk
to his friends about around the hospital.
You know, I've actually come to
appreciate your teaching style.
I mean, not all of it.
I did not think it was necessary
to call me a prostitute
who caters exclusively to clowns.
[laughing] Still makes me laugh in the car
sometimes.
[Elliot] Hmm.
And for what it's worth,
I was too harsh with you.
Sometimes I sit up at night thinking
I actually could have driven you
out of this place.
And if I had, it would have been
my biggest failure
and my greatest regret. [exhales]
I appreciate that.
God, let me be, will you?
I have some decorating
I need to attend to.
Oh, please let him.
I'ma rub his nose in it like a nasty dog.
You know, I've never actually had to sleep
in one of these things,
but I am not leaving your side
until we get your results.
J.D., would you
Would you pray with me?
[J.D.] Wow, first curveball.
Of course.
Cox was never religious.
But when you're facing your own mortality,
you'll try anything.
Dear God, or whosoever up there,
I know I haven't exactly turned to you
pretty much ever,
but I need you now.
So please, Lord, let that chair
fold in on J.D. and quietly suffocate him
so that I might have
a few moments of peace,
if these are, in fact,
my last few moments. Thanks, God.
Go ahead, make your jokes,
but I know you're scared.
For once, just let me be there for you.
[tablet dings]
[J.D.] And there it was, his test results.
I knew how I wanted this to play out.
- [fanfare music playing]
- [announcer] Congratulations!
You're the one-millionth person
to click on test results.
You've won $10,000
and a brand-new Jet Ski.
Oh, no. Not you. Scram.
- J.D., come on, amigo.
- Yes.
- To the lake.
- Whoo-hoo!
[J.D.] But that's not how these things go.
Go ahead
[gentle music playing]
and don't sugarcoat it.
'Cause I understand
what everything means on there.
Dr. Tosh, you got a second?
You said that
I made you feel like quitting.
That would be a real failure
on my part if you did.
But I would also be failing as a teacher
if I didn't hold you accountable
for your mistakes.
I know I messed up.
[sobbing] I was just afraid it meant
I wasn't good enough to be here.
So I blamed you and I'm really sorry.
Come here. Come here.
It's okay.
You know,
you come across a lot more confident.
[crying] That's just a part of my brand.
[J.D.] There are many things
we fool ourselves
into thinking we have control over.
If I make this, Cox is gonna be okay.
He's gonna be okay.
Cox is gonna be okay.
Come on. Let's go. [grunts]
That's it. I'm gonna rip your head off
and do this with it.
Hey, that counts.
That counts!
- [J.D.] But the truth is
- That counts. Come here.
we can never predict
what's in store for us.
You saved a man.
[J.D.] All we can do is be there
for each other
when the odds are against us.
It isn't great.
But it could be worse.
Worse than my own body attacking itself?
[breathing heavily]
This is an autoimmune disease,
for God's sake.
There's no cure for this.
It's a matter of managing the crisis
that's gonna be thrown my way
in the bottom of the ninth.
Perry, you know this disease
has a high survival rate,
especially since we caught it early.
I'm in the beginning stages
of renal failure, J.D.
Yeah, but you can slow all that down.
With aggressive treatment
and immunosuppressants,
microscopic polyangiitis
can easily go into remission.
[sighs] Did you really think
that this couldn't happen?
That just 'cause we're out there
taking care of all of them,
that we'd get some kind of karmic immunity
to protect us
from what's coming for us all?
Yes.
Will you promise me that
you'll keep me alive for a very long time?
Because I don't want my death
to be the thing that makes you cynical.
- I promise--
- Let me finish.
Because I won't be around here
to enjoy it.
And even in death,
I couldn't bear the irony.
All I can hear is that
you're going to let me be your doctor.
I'm already tingling from the prospect
of our sponge baths there, Agatha.
[laughs]
I tried to protect you from this.
Everything I had.
But I am so scared.
I have a plan.
And I don't care if you don't like it.
It is the best path forward.
Turk had asked me when I'd stopped needing
Dr. Cox's approval.
- Okay.
- [J.D.] It was now.
Because now
And I got you.
he needed me.
[lip-synching] Listen up, failures.
[whistles]
- Watch it. Watch it.
- To whomever had the cojones
to stuff their greedy face-hole
with the sandwich
I had clearly labeled with my name,
I hope you enjoyed it,
because I will be slicing you open,
extracting it
and feeding it to you once again,
but this time, it won't be orally. M'kay?
Look how many views you have.
It's gone totally viral.
All these DJs are remixing it.
People just love it.
Uh-huh.
Bring her to me.