Strip Law (2026) s01e08 Episode Script

1
Ten years ago,
during a routine appendix removal,
four-year-old Dilterton Timble
briefly died on the operating table
and went to heaven.
Then a miracle happened.
He came back.
Ladies and gentlemen,
let's get some applause
they'll hear in heaven
for Dilterton Timble!
Ladies and gentlemen, heaven is real!
Now, who wants to hear about God's call?
Will my dog be in heaven?
Yes.
Everybody's dog is in heaven,
even Hitler's.
And dogs can have chocolate in heaven.
I knew it.
Do I have to stay old in heaven?
No, no.
Everybody in heaven
is a certified barstool smoke show.
I'm talkin' barely legal dime pieces.
I'm sorry, but no matter the luxuries,
wouldn't eternal consciousness
eventually become a prolonged
form of torture due to the fact
Uh, in heaven,
you can fly everywhere you want,
and, uh, broccoli tastes
like Jack Daniel's barbecue ribs.
That shut me up!
All right. Before I leave,
I wanna bring out my best friend.
My dad!
Hello, believers.
You know, I'm so proud of this kid
for bringin' the truth of heaven,
which he saw, to millions.
But due to the nefarious influence
of walkable cities, attendance is down.
They're tryin' to hide
the truth of heaven from you.
Worry not!
For the tenth anniversary
of Dilterton's fateful trip to heaven,
we've scheduled an unnecessary
and risky operation
so that Dilterton can die again
and learn even more facts about heaven!
Now, let's hear it
for the Hologram Heaven All-Star Band.
Ooh, baby, that's-a what I like ♪
Oh, that was the worst
bankruptcy hearing ever.
Aww. Cheer up. Your dirt bike
almost made it over the lube pit.
Can we have one case
that doesn't spiral out of control?
The other day, a bone fell outta my body,
completely dry. Do you think
Hey, uh, I found this lady
crying in the lobby.
Her name's Debra Timble.
She wants a divorce.
Yes! Divorce! A nice, normal family case.
Also, hello, I'm sorry for your times.
I need to get custody of my son.
He's being pressured by his father
into suicide for the church.
-Ah-ah… Uh-oh!
-Oof-a-rino.
-That's gotta hurt!
-Guys, please.
Sorry for them, ma'am.
Anyway, what crazy thing were you saying?
My son, Dilterton Timble.
The boy who saw heaven?
Oh, that's the kid who told me
about God's car. It's really fast.
This whole thing's gone way too far.
I just said I want normal cases.
I know you weren't in the room, but still.
Anyway, we can't.
…say no! Lady, you're in business!
Sheila, sidebar.
Do you have any idea
what kind of a media firestorm
a religious
Lincoln, I know this kid.
I've been this kid.
I know what it means
to escape a repressive childhood.
This is going to age perfectly!
-You're next, tower seven.
-Filth!
We don't believe
in that kind of thing in this household.
That's what we believe in.
You're unbelievable ♪
Now you see why we have to do this?
No, but I don't have the remaining
life force to argue with you.
Sheila wins again!
Okay, Mrs. Timble,
we're gonna do a classic, normal,
shenanigan-free divorce.
This is, of course, Sheila,
my magical cocounsel
in charge of spectacle.
Abracadazzle!
It's hell o'clock, and I'm Satan!
First thought.
I do a big magic trick
disproving his heaven story
and also the existence of God.
No! Divorce case.
We did Santa.
We're not doing God. It's repetitive.
The best way to get custody
is for Dilterton
to choose Debra over Trent.
Okay, well, maybe I can get him
to reject his toxic, controlling dad.
-Classic Honey Boy.
-Ah, perfect current movie reference.
Irene, you're a teen, kind of.
Help Sheila Varsity Blues the Honey Boy.
Now, what about Glem?
What does he do to the honey baby?
Stay here in case
something more important happens. Got it.
Well, there he is.
Kevin, the new paralegal. The hotshot.
Look at him,
planning my destruction.
Let's show him
you're the cool bad boy around here.
Okay, who's a cool bad boy?
Of course! Bart Simpson! Okay, great.
And what cool things does Bart do?
Uh… all I remember is
his dad Homer chokes him all the time.
Also, in the movies, they show his penis.
Anything else? Nope? Okay.
I'm sorry. What's happening?
My dad chokes me!
Oh, great. Monsterre?
He's so friggin' wholesome!
Oh, hello.
You know the law can be a scary place
where no one cares for wholesome things.
Things like lemonade or limeade
or… the truth. Well, I do.
My name is pronounced "Matt Mons-tair."
Grandpa Monsterre?
Is it true that just because
someone looks a little like a ghoul,
that doesn't mean they're evil?
Right, Honey Boy.
Lucky that's not a problem for me, though.
Stare down injustice at the law offices
of Monsterre and "Vee-yan."
We are Cajun, you see.
Your Honor, my client
is citing irreconcilable separation,
interference of visitation, and
God doesn't want this divorce to happen.
He wants Dilterton spreading the word.
Jesus! Already?
Jesus always.
Your Honor,
we would like to submit into evidence
this early video of Dilterton's show.
Objection, Your Honor.
Relevance. This is a divorce case.
Nope! My joie de vivre and adult ADHD
cut both ways, Mr. Gumb.
Overruled! We're watchin' a movie!
Go ahead, Dilterton.
Tell 'em what you saw.
Um, Batman was there,
and he was shooting the bad guys,
and the bad guys got dead.
Dilterton means that God is like Batman
because he believes in justice.
Uh, and the Minions and the Pikachu.
And?
Uh, and God said,
in heaven, families are together forever.
Aww!
-Aww!
-Please!
That's clearly a video
of a man brainwashing his child.
Not if the boy
is telling the truth about God!
-Which he's not.
-Prove it!
Oh my God! It's happening!
Your Honor, this is a divorce case!
Sorry, dude.
Seems like if you want custody,
you gotta do somethin' pretty huge.
Fuck you, Sheila.
I submit to the court
that God doesn't exist.
Yes!
Again, God said heaven points
can be redeemed at an angel center,
but you get triple cloud spins
if you activate them with saint chips.
But they do not transfer into…
-What's the plan here?
-I'm looking for a weakness.
Hmm. What turned me against my parents?
You're unbelievable ♪
Oh! ♪
Spike Radison!
No, Sheila!
Forget it, Sheila Sr.
That kid is just too damn cool.
You're unbelievable ♪
Of course!
The key to rebellion is a cool older kid.
-But where will I find one of those?
-…heaven's unique…
Sorry, what?
I was busy doing switchblade tricks.
Bad show? Ah, you'll get 'em next time.
What? Okay, come on, I killed.
Who are you?
Who, me?
I'm nose rings, buddy.
I'm R-rated movies
and saying the word "sucks."
I'm the GOAT-ed life you could have
if you reject all this crap.
Thank you, cool stranger,
but you describe an empty husk
of shallow pleasures.
As Ezekiel said at the well of Damascus,
"Honor thy father and all authority,
yea, as the blue lives shall ever matter."
I pray that you find a similar peace.
Bu… uh, but… uh, but I'm cool!
And what else?
You said this would be a simple case.
Now, I don't get my son back
unless you prove God's not real.
Look, I didn't ask for this, lady.
All that matters now
is that we don't let this spiral
into some big media circus.
Margo Wahlburger, What Happens in Vegas.
Mr. Gumb, is it true
you've called for the head of the Pope?
I think religion can bring meaning
to some people's lives.
-Boo!
-Ugh.
Mr. O'Raviolio, can you please
turn the TV to literally anything else?
Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?
You atheist, a-devil worshiper! Pah!
I may swing wildly
between being Irish and Italian,
but either way, I'm a humorless Catholic.
-Now get out!
-You know what? Fine.
I tried to do it normal this time.
I really did.
You want a godless villain?
You've got one.
Okay, the Bart Simpson gambit
didn't go so great.
No way to see that comin'.
What else are people impressed by?
Let's see. Of course! Dating. I'll just
introduce him to my "girlfriend."
Say, Kevin.
Have you met my "girlfriend"? Mrs…
Married woman, that's good.
Now, to complete the surname.
Doubt Blu-ray?
Mrs. Doubt Blu-ray.
She's coming by to pick up
this bag of shredder trimmings
and this pantsuit
from Sheila's dry cleaning
and this red makeup
that she loaned Irene.
Why, I think I hear
her coming now.
Oh God! My eyes!
There's paint going into my brain!
My memories are turning red!
Ah!
Poor kid.
If cool kids can't save him, what can?
Whippets! So sophisticated and adult.
Being a magician is a good career choice.
You're unbelievable ♪
Of course! I'm a she-nius.
It wasn't the cool kids.
It was the cool drugs.
Oh, hey, bucko. Want an edible?
These things make you feel amazing
and also like you're in trouble!
No, thank you.
"No, thank you"?
What's wrong with you, kid?
These are free drugs
we're trying to give you.
Godzarnit.
I call to the stand Reverend White.
Reverend, could God create a boulder
so big even he couldn't move it?
Of course he could.
Well, then…
…he's not exactly all-powerful
if he can't move the boulder, is he?
Uh… he… he isn't! He can't!
How do you know the forbidden question?
For my next witness, I call to the stand
a flying spaghetti unicorn monster.
No
That was great.
We might actually win this.
Yeah, another 300 years
of intense religious debate,
and we might just win
this custody hearing.
Here we go.
Lincoln Gumb, Terry Gross,
National Public Radio.
How does it feel to be
the newest liberal firebrand,
à la Clarence Darrow, Gloria Steinem,
or Moo Moo, the whale
who drowns millionaires?
Elite liberal firebrand? Moi?
Terry Nasty,
Terry Gross's disgusting alter ego,
National Pubic Radio.
How's it feel to be
the most dope-ass turd
with the biggest dick at the piss party?
Uh… yeah.
I think I'm gonna like being an atheist.
You're unbelievable ♪
-Oh! ♪
-I just have a hard time
believing in an old man with a beard
who lives in the clouds.
What powers the house? Lightning?
-Probably.
-What was that? ♪
"I'm Lincoln Gumb, atheist lawyer."
-"AMA."
-You burden me with your questions ♪
-You'd have me tell no lies… ♪
-Totes!
You're always asking
what it's all about ♪
Don't listen to my replies… ♪
Of course religion has its place
in gospel music and Star Wars,
but I have a message
for anybody with faith in their hearts.
Do try to keep up.
The adults are talking.
That's the funniest thing I've ever heard,
and I'm married to John Krasinski.
You're unbelievable ♪
My heaven question is
can terrible no-God man Lincoln Gumb
ever get into heaven?
No, right?
Well, God preaches forgiveness…
Due to Mr. Gumb's ongoing lawsuit,
we legally cannot answer any questions
about God, or heaven, or the Bible.
But rest assured, we're gonna win,
and my son will once again
climb the "Stairway to Heaven"
when he buys…
One ticket to paradise… ♪
Of course! We've been overthinking it.
Nothing can touch the high
of basic adolescent rebellion
against a crappy parent,
and this guy sucks.
Every kid wants to tell adults
to go to hell!
Yeah, you're right!
Hey, Sheila, go to hell, you butt queen!
-Butt queen.
-Oh ♪
What the… ♪
How did I not win
MTV Spring Break Butt Queen '98?
Okay, I'm gonna just be
real with him. Bye.
-Quddus, look at my perfect butt.
-You burden me ♪
Back in a second, big man.
Hello, again.
Where are your, uh, cool clothes?
-I got rid of the costume.
-Did you?
Look, I know you've been onto me
from the start.
I just legit think your dad sucks
and should go to hell, which… I get it.
Mine does, too.
You don't need to die over it.
He is what he is.
I am just lucky
to have another, more caring father
watching out for me.
Damn, you really aren't scared.
Yea, though I walk
through the shadow of the valley,
I am open carrying,
and shalt stand mine ground.
And Irene, for what it's worth,
my dad does suck and will go to hell.
One ticket to paradise ♪
God bless you, Irene.
In another life,
you might have made a good wife for me.
Yo, what?
He's uncorruptible!
Oh!
I just saw a rat get hit with a car
and not explode.
Your Honor, for my last witness,
I'd like to call Dilterton Timble
to the stand.
Tell me, Dilterton,
since you seem to have all the answers,
if God is real,
why doesn't he just strike me down?
Uh, well, he's a God of peace.
Shut up and admit it!
God's not real. I'm the king of atheists!
I can taunt stupid God all I want,
and nothing
Ow!
Objection! He attacked me!
Your Honor, since God is busy
protecting the troops,
he sent me to strike this man down.
Overruled! Checkmate, atheist!
Boy, oh boy.
I cannot wait to email this story
to my extended family
who do not talk to me.
I don't have all the answers. God does.
That's why I need to die and go get them.
-Otherwise, God's plan is unknowable.
-That's convenient.
No, it's inconvenient.
The hardest thing God asks of his children
is to have faith while he appears absent,
and throughout centuries of silence,
billions still believe.
You know, your mom is in heaven, Lincoln.
Are you saying you don't believe in that?
This is so awesome!
I don't believe in God ♪
-But I believe I'm drunk ♪
-This kid's a freak!
It's true. We can't crack him.
It's up to you to win in court.
I can't. He beat me. It's over.
I'm having a crisis of… non-faith?
God is real, and he hates me.
Hey, take it outside, pal.
What's the point
of doing anything
if there's an eternal paradise
awaiting us,
ruled by a supreme being
who loves us unconditionally?
Oh, this again.
You know, everyone's so hung up
on heaven and hell.
Well, yeah.
Look, dude.
There's probably no afterlife.
I mean, think about it.
You'd get bored of torturing
someone who betrayed you,
like, after four days, right?
And God is way smarter than you.
I was a gifted kid.
And at the same time,
would you wanna spend all eternity
with people
who dedicated their lives to you?
It'd be horrible!
Have you seen a Q&A with a director?
My God!
If the afterlife mattered,
why would we even be here?
God probably wants you
to care about the sound of a dog's laugh,
or, like, the people you meet in life,
or some dumb crap like that.
The people we meet in life.
Like Sheila. You're right.
She's way more important than God.
Thanks, Father.
-Yes?
-Hello.
Oh, Mr. Pope!
Fired?
Sheila, you were right from the beginning.
I know what we have to do.
Destroy Dilterton Timble.
-To save him!
-To save him.
Debra, are you okay
with us tearing this all down?
Anything to save my son.
Then, Sheila, you think you can do a big,
stupid atheist trick to disprove God?
Duh! Lincoln, I need a car battery.
Irene, I need you to dig up a ton of dirt
on the following people.
Faith is a deeply personal thing,
and who am I to tell anybody
what faith they may or may not pursue?
Me, that's who! Hit it, Sheila!
Why can you
see my skeleton?
This woman is dead!
But check this shit out.
I just spent 20 seconds in heaven.
And it's nothing
like Dilterton described it.
There's no golden throne!
There's no chalices
of Mountain Dew Code Heaven.
You have no proof!
Haven't I?
Juror number four, your twin was there.
The one that was absorbed in the womb.
And she's pissed.
Juror number nine, your childhood dog
Buckles was up there.
He saw you go to bed
without brushing your teeth.
It was the perfect crime!
Oh, please! This proves nothing!
Oh, God had a lot to say about you.
Said he'd never met you,
but that you seem like a real virgin,
and that your story is…
Unbelievable ♪
Whoa! Ho-ho!
-Just saw him get the Last Supper!
-Unh! Unh!
Unh! Unh!
Lincoln Gumb is a lying agent of Satan.
What?
He seduced me away from the church
with promises of sexual ecstasy
and his vast reserves of atheist gold.
Debra, what the hell are you doing?
We were winning.
Oh-ho-ho-ho.
Your little stunt, learning the jury's
secrets to fake a God encounter,
was enough to snap me back to my senses.
Because you hate God!
That's not true. I don't hate God.
Stenographer, read back a quote
of Lincoln's at random.
"I hate God so much," Lincoln Gumb,
number one God-hater supreme.
That shouldn't count. That was earlier.
I've heard enough.
Divorce dismissed. God is real!
Dilterton, when you see him,
please tell him I said, "Wassup!"
Yes, sir.
So this was all for nothing? -
Uh, hey, it's not all bad.
You were able to get over
your fundamentalist upbringing.
Fundamentalist upbringing?
What the hell are you talkin' about?
You're unbelievable ♪
My parents didn't want me
to be a Christian.
They wanted me to be
a boring lab technician with a 401.
-But… your memories!
-I was havin' those privately!
Okay, Glem.
It's time to pull out all the stops.
How old is Kevin? Twenties?
What do young people like?
Uh… the woke culture!
You need to do somethin'
so unbelievably woke
that they'll be writin' about it
in the history books for years.
And a one, and a two,
and you know what to do.
Hey, I know I'm a demon.
I just have some paperwork
I need you to sign.
-You got a lot of nerve coming in he
-Leave us.
God says have a seat.
You played your part beautifully, Lincoln.
I was right to pick you.
But, your parents, they
Do as they're told.
God says I call the shots in this family,
and I say it's time for a movie.
Wait, what are you talking about?
True immortality. The silver screen.
Boffo box office.
But to get that, I needed a good story.
A true story.
One of an evil lawyer
trying to, I don't know,
prove in a court of law
that there's no God.
I… But…
You gave yourself over to the role
of liberal bogeyman so easily.
Don't you see?
When there was one set of footprints,
that's when I was directing you.
No matter who's waiting after we die,
I'm your God, Lincoln Gumb.
Now leave me.
I just found out about jacking off.
God told me he needs me
to tell people what I saw in heaven.
His throne. The Camaro. All of it.
-I love Jesus… ♪
-Just be brave, son.
The world hates people like us,
people who believe,
and they'll fight us
with everything they've got.
Your Honor, the evidence is clear.
The boy's lying.
-I want Jesus… ♪
-God is dead.
I miss Mom.
-We'll get her back. With faith.
-To walk with me… ♪
In heaven I played paintball
with Princess Diana.
Yeah.
-But I don't wanna get divorced.
-Why? You think God's gonna be mad at you?
No, I… I used to be like you,
and then God killed my mom
and put chemical burns all over my penis.
Why would God do something like that
if she was real?
-Family is all that matters.
-Stop!
All that matters is making everyone
as miserable as me, Lincoln Gumb.
Right, Glem?
Hot clams!
Oh my God!
Can you read that?
Please don't. Stop.
Why don't you say under oath
what we all already know, Dilterton?
God doesn't even real.
No. I won't say that. I'll never say that.
Because God does real.
God Does Real.
Rated PG for "Praise God,"
Godding soon to a theater near God.
Feels like I should fight this?
Telegram! Royalty check
for Lincoln Gumb for ten million dollars!
The film will give the people hope.
Wait, wasn't this all to stop that kid
from killing himself onstage?
That was a con to sell a movie.
I'm sure
he's somewhere, laughing at us.
Dilterton Timble is with God.
He'll be right back any second.
Right, Doc?
Keep your seats, everyone.
Any second now.
Goodbye, baby!
Not now, The Big Bopper!
Chirp.