Stuart Fails to Save the Universe (2026) s01e08 Episode Script

1
Check it out.
The Justice League are all centaurs.
Superman centaur, Batman centaur,
- Green Lantern centaur.
- Yeah, we got it.
Aquaman centaur,
but he's a seahorse.
We have to go back and get
the machine with the controller.
From the place we were about to die?
Try not to focus on that.
Kripke, what are you doing?
Checking out my horse business.
Impwessive, wight?
We need the other machine.
We have to go back.
Again, guns.
Okay, so we don't go back
exactly. We scooch it a little.
There's a scooch button?
Maybe. This thing turns.
Stuart tries
To reset our lives ♪
But he fails
To save the universe ♪
He's our only chance
And he tries and he tries ♪
But he fails
To save the universe ♪
Stuart tries ♪
- He tries ♪
- But he fails ♪
Fails ♪
- Fails ♪
- Fails ♪
Stuart fails ♪
Okay, no one's shooting at us.
Oh, no. Trevor and Kyle.
They died how they lived,
reading comics they didn't pay for.
Rest in peace, fellas.
Gweat. We'll send fwowers. Wet's go.
So, where is this other machine,
oh, gwowious weader?
Can you not be an asshole
for, like, a minute?
I'd wike to, but it's kind of my brand.
All right, here's the plan.
Somewhere here are guys who look like us.
We find them, we find the machine.
That's not a plan.
That's just restating the premise.
What are you maggots doing here?
Gary?
It's Lieutenant Jeffries, soldier.
What'd you ever see in that guy?
He reminded me of you.
We're moving out at 0900.
Get back to your unit.
And that's where exactly?
Two klicks that way. Let's go.
Anybody know what a klick is?
This doesn't wook good.
I want my mommy! I want my mommy!
I want my mommy!
Oh my God. He's holding
his intestines in his hand.
- Could be worse.
- How?
He could be holding them
in a wittle sandwich bag.
Charlie Company, fall in!
All right, listen up!
Lieutenant has a few words to say.
Thank you, Sergeant.
Charlie Company,
there's no easy way to say this.
Alpha Company didn't make it back.
Bravo Company didn't make it back.
And if you're familiar
with the alphabet, you're up.
Shit.
We're outgunned. We're outmanned.
And we're facing a lethal
and merciless enemy.
All right. We're gonna say
a little prayer.
Everybody take a knee.
Atheists, sit, stand. Your choice.
Lord, we're probably
coming home to you today.
'Cause near as I can figure,
we're marching straight
into a monumental ass-reaming.
So, polish up the pearly gates.
We'll be seeing you soon.
Amen.
Oh, God.
Where'd you put the machine?
We gotta get out of here!
I left it in our barracks to keep it safe.
Wouldn't it be safer
to escape being killed?
Without question.
We need to get out of here.
Yeah, we were just chatting about that.
I left the machine back in camp.
Sure, why would you bring
a magical transport device
to a bwood-soaked battlefield?
Push the button and get us out of here!
Go ahead, tell him!
First thing you need to know,
my intentions were good.
All right, Charlie Company!
Let's end this war!
Right here, right now!
This seems unnecessarily graphic.
Hang in there.
For Lieutenant Gary! Follow me!
Oh my God, what did you do?
Oh, I shot him in the back
so we don't have to die.
How is that not cwear?
Don't step on Keith.
- Hello.
- Really?
Being close to death is kind of a turn-on.
I don't know, honey.
I still have little bits
of Gary in my hair.
You okay?
Not weawy.
Conscience bothering you
because you shot that guy in the back?
No.
Well, if you figure it out,
I'm here for you.
We're never gonna find the other machine.
Let's just use the one we have
and get out of here.
I think that's the last of Gary.
Thank you.
I can't leave.
I have a responsibility
to repair, you know,
the infinite totality of everything.
Damn me for falling in love with a hero.
Charlie Company! Fall in!
As you might have noticed,
your prior commanding officer
did a pretty good impersonation
of Sonny Corleone
at the tollbooth yesterday.
Really?
Never saw The Godfather?
Doesn't matter. Anyway, we'll miss him.
Rest in peace. Blah, blah, blah.
Here's your new commanding officer,
Captain Williams.
Thank you, Sergeant. Very moving.
Men
and lady,
I'm not gonna mince words.
We've received intelligence
that indicates we are
in worse shape than yesterday.
- Yesterday was a massacre.
- Can that talk, soldier.
Bwoodbath.
Sure, I'll give you bloodbath.
Now listen, I get that you're all shitting
the proverbial brick right now.
Totally understandable.
But as your commanding officer,
it is incumbent upon me
to raise your spirits,
to give you hope.
So, I want you to think about this.
Many years from now,
overweight men will dress up
in uniforms just like you're wearing.
And others will dress up like the enemy.
And they will reenact the battle
you are about to fight.
But afterwards, they'll go out
for beer and wings
and talk about how you died
a noble death.
A noble death.
Kind of tickles the balls, don't it?
All right, any questions?
Yes, soldier.
What exactly are we fighting for?
Family, country, God.
What is the enemy fighting for?
The wrong family,
the wrong country, and the wrong god.
And one last thing.
We're running low on morphine,
so try not to get wounded.
Okay, let's go kill those bastards.
Company, move out.
Double time.
New plan. Let's get the hell out of here.
What happened to getting
the other machine?
You want the other machine,
knock yourself out.
Halt.
Why aren't you with your company?
Why aren't you with your company?
"Why aren't you with your company?"
Shut up.
I was just talking to Jeremy.
He's one of the guards.
He says they're gonna line us up
and shoot us.
You hear that?
You hear what Jeremy said?
Hang on. Okay.
Okay, you know what?
We're thinking about this all wrong.
We don't have to find
the other machine here.
- We can just go back and get it.
- Go back where?
We set our machine to go,
centaur, telepathy, cows,
three universes,
and we just take it
from the other version of us.
Trippy.
- Question.
- Go ahead.
We're in a pwison cell.
- Technically, not a question.
- You're wight.
Have you noticed we're in a pwison cell?
How's it looking?
I had a chance to talk to the judges,
and I've examined
the evidence against you.
And?
- And this shouldn't take too long.
- Because we're innocent?
Sure.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit? Why, "Oh, shit"?
Oh, shit. Her.
Look who it is. It's Penny.
You know Firing Squad Penny?
We just know her as regular Penny.
- Captain.
- Major.
- Are these your traitors?
- Yes.
I mean, they're presumed
not to be, but yes.
I weawy don't like the way this is going.
At 0800, this court martial
is called to order.
Major, would you please read the charges?
With pleasure.
The defendants are charged
with cowardice in the face of the enemy,
desertion, espionage, murder, and mutiny.
Espionage? When did we do espionage?
These are serious charges.
How does the defense plead?
A moment, Your Honor.
I'm thinking guilty.
Just rip the Band-Aid off.
- We're not guilty.
- So entered.
Major, would you like to make
an opening statement?
Thank you, sir.
In front of you sit four
of the most foul, pathetic,
loathsome creatures
to ever wear the uniform.
Ouch.
We've all been witness to their cowardice,
but even more heinous
was the discovery of this device,
clearly a means to relay
information to our enemy.
Captain Siebert, can you explain
what we have here?
A moment.
No.
The evidence against these four
is irrefutable.
The only possible penalty is death.
By firing squad.
That's how she got the nickname.
Say something. Defend us!
Your Honors, I'd like to speak
on my client's behalf.
- Go ahead.
- Thank you.
Do we really know
what happened in the fog of war?
- We have video.
- Let me start again.
Though clearly guilty,
wouldn't we, as a nation
of God-fearing men and women
best display our values by showing mercy
to these miserable, undeserving wretches?
No.
Have you got anything?
Your Honors, if you'll indulge me,
I think I can clear this up.
Make it quick.
We're not from your universe.
These two gentlemen and I
are from a version of reality
that's even worse than this one.
There's mutants and giant moths.
You don't even wanna know.
And this lovely young woman
is from a universe
where humanity is controlled
by a globe-straddling
artificial intelligence.
Not helping.
So, what you're calling desertion,
cowardice in the face of the enemy,
is actually us trying
to bravely restore order
across all universes.
Yeah, just shoot us.
Hey, that was gweat. Weawy gweat.
Court will now adjourn
to consider a verdict.
Fingers crossed.
Okay.
I say we gwab the machine
and get out of here.
Look around. There's guys with guns.
I'll cweate a distwaction.
Why don't I create
a distraction and you get it?
What's your distwaction?
I don't know. Asthma attack?
Let me see.
Yeah, I'm not buying it.
What don't you buy?
I've been practicing it for 25 years.
How about this?
If we can find a deck of cards,
I can distract them
with some close-up magic.
The defendants will rise.
I'm having an asthma attack!
And I am thinking of a card.
Court finds the defendants
guilty on all counts
and sentences them
to death by firing squad.
Sweet!
Stuart, I love you.
It's me, but I'll pass it down.
Stuart, I love you.
- It's me.
- Pass it down.
- Stuart.
- Yeah?
Bert woves you.
All right, I'm gonna give you
one last chance to save your ass.
We have prepared a fake battle plan.
All you need to do is use your device,
transmit it to your friends
on the other side,
and we'll commute your sentence
to a life of hard labor.
Done, done, and done.
All right, untie him,
take his blindfold off now.
Hi.
Okay, let me just warm this up.
And we are preparing to transmit
the fake battle plans
on three, two, one!
What's happening?
Wha? What?
What is happening?
We're in a universe
where everyone's a centaur.
I call it the centaur universe.
- Go back two more worlds, honey.
- Right, right.
What?
I do not hate this.
Get the device.
Don't make this difficult.
Oh, shit.
How long do we have to stay here?
Just until we follow ourselves
so that they, which is we,
run to the centaur world
where they become us.
- I don't understand.
- No one understands!
There we are!
Let's go!
Are you okay?
Muscle cramp, all the running.
You should eat a banana.
Their forward progress has been stopped.
Your only task is to keep them here.
- Question?
- Yes, Kyle?
What if somebody wants
to buy that comic book?
Don't sell it to them.
What do we say?
You tell them it's not for sale.
- Good. That's good.
- We got your back.
Or whatever you have.
Your circumference.
Where the hell are we?
I'm gonna guess wherever we are,
we're trapped.