The Brady Bunch (1969) s01e08 Episode Script

1
Here's the story of a lovely lady ♪
Who was bringing up
three very lovely girls ♪
All of them had hair of gold,
like their mother ♪
The youngest one in curls
It's the story of a man named Brady ♪
Who was busy
with three boys of his own ♪
They were four men living all together ♪
Yet they were all alone
Till the one day
when the lady met this fellow ♪
And they knew that it was
much more than a hunch ♪
That this group must
somehow form a family ♪
That's the way they all became
the Brady Bunch ♪
The Brady Bunch, the Brady Bunch ♪
That's the way they became
the Brady Bunch. ♪
( Coughing )
Sorry. Sorry.
( Whistling )
( Coughing )
You think we might be violating
a smog law?
This stuff's been packed
away for over a year.
Oh, Mike.
Well, I think this is really going to be
a fun camping trip.
Oh, yeah well, every
year I've taken the boys,
but this year's something special.
Oh, yeah, we're really
going to be an expedition.
Three new sisters and a mother
it's going to be bigger
than Lewis and Clark.
I hope the boys don't mind
having a bunch of females along.
Ah, no, they'll get used to it.
The thing is,
I hope the girls enjoy camping.
I'm sure they will once they get there.
Well, we'll show them
togetherness isn't just a word.
Right. ( Coughs )
We hope.
Aw, Dad, why can't you understand?
Girls on a camping trip is just too far out.
They'll ruin our fun.
They might even get lost.
Hey, maybe we should bring them along.
That'll do, Peter.
Now, look, fellas,
Marcia, Jan and Cindy
are all part of our family,
and one half of the family
doesn't go trooping off
without the other half.
Even when they're girls?
Yes, especially when they're girls.
We've got to show them
how much fun camping can be.
Why, that's going to be
a whole brand-new world to them.
It'll be a whole brand-
new world to us, too.
I wouldn't be a bit surprised
if the Brady boys
couldn't teach the Brady girls
how to hunt and fish
as good as any of the guys.
In other words,
we can keep on saying no,
but you're going
to keep on saying yes, right?
The light's beginning
to break through a little bit.
We are all going on this camping trip,
and we are all going to have
the time of our lives
or else.
But, Mother, us on a camping trip?
We've told you
it's a fate worse than death.
Do you expect me to sleep in a tent?
With wild animals?
Girls, we're not going to Africa.
We're just going camping.
And camping is for boys.
Camping is for boys and girls.
Why, it's so much fun
falling asleep on the ground.
On the ground, all those beetles
are crawling around. Yuck!
Yeah, yuck!
Why, you haven't got the faintest idea
how delightful it is
out there under the stars,
being lulled to sleep
by the sound of crickets,
and then awakening in the morning
to the smell of bacon
frying over an open fire.
How many times
have you been camping, Mom?
Well, never, but I've heard about it.
And I've heard about it, too,
and you can count me out.
You are counted in, young lady.
We have three new
brothers and a new father,
and if they like camping,
we like camping.
Now, there'll be no more
discussion about it;
the decision has been made.
( Toots whistle )
Hup, two, three, four.
Hup, two, three, four.
Hup hup hup, two, three, four.
Hup, two, three, four.
Right face, hup, two,
three, forward march.
Hup, two, three, four.
Hup, two, three, four.
Hup, two, company halt!
Everybody fall out and pile in.
Come on, Cindy, you first
in you go, girl.
That's a girl Okay, come on, Jan.
There we go.
That a boy. Come on, Bobby.
Come on, kids, here we go, ready?
Okay, all right, who's next?
Oh, I guess I am.
Give that a little push, will you?
Cindy, what are you doing out there?
I got pushed out the other end.
Come on, sweetheart.
Okay, move along.
Move over, honey. Move over.
( Exhales deeply )
Come on, Carol, we got to get going.
CAROL: Coming.
We should have been on the road
an hour ago.
Sorry.
Come on, honey.
Hey, you look great.
Thanks.
Yeah, you really do.
Any woman can wear
a hundred dollar dress,
but a girl who can put on
a pair of blue jeans
and one of my old shirts
and look the way you do,
that's A-number one.
Thank you, kind sir.
Hey, boys, take my advice.
Marry a girl like the one
who married your old man.
Yeah, you look great, Mom.
I mean, for someone who's never
been on a camping trip.
PETER: Come on, Dad, let's go.
Okay, okay, we all here?
All present and accounted for, sir.
Okay, here we go.
( Whispering inaudibly )
Oh, Cindy, I asked you before we left.
Before we left I
Sorry, Mike, it'll only take a second.
Come on.
Well, it's not a bad idea.
ALL: I've been
working on the railroad ♪
All the live long day
I've been working on the railroad ♪
Just to pass the time away
Can't you hear the whistle blowing? ♪
Rise up so early in the morn
Can't you hear the captain shouting ♪
There, that's much neater, isn't it?
Oh, much.
Thanks, honey.
Certainly have dusted off the dirt.
Boy, am I hungry.
Hungry? I'm starving to death.
I'm kind of hungry myself.
Well, there's a whole lake
full of fish out there waiting to be caught.
Yeah, Dad, let's go fishing.
Okay. You boys go get the fishing rods
and the rest of the gear,
and I'll have your mother
round up the girls.
Yeah, I think they're
out gathering pinecones.
I'll see if I can find them.
Hey, girls!
The girls?
Naturally, the girls.
Aw, come on, Dad.
This camping's one thing, but fishing?
I think the girls will enjoy fishing with us.
I guess the girls are with Alice.
Oh. Alice!
Yes, sir?
Would you get the girls, Alice?
The boys and I want
to take them fishing.
And while we're gone,
would you and Mrs. Brady
collect some firewood?
Yes, sir.
All right, girls! ( Blows whistle )
Fall out for fishing detail!
( Chuckling )
MARCIA: What are
we going to do, Alice?
Well, you're going fishing,
and I'm going to go change my shoes.
( Chuckling )
Okay, honey, get a good fire started
because we're coming back with
enough fish to feed an army.
That's good, 'cause we got an army.
Okay, everybody, fish beware
here come the Bradys.
( Kids cheering ) Bye, kids. Have fun.
Bye. Bye. Bye.
Mrs. Brady, is it all right
if we nibble a little
on those emergency rations
you brought along?
Sure, Alice, go ahead.
No telling when they'll
be back with that fish.
Aren't you famished, too?
Yeah, but I think I'll wait.
I don't want to spoil my appetite
for that delicious fresh fish.
Oh, well, if you can wait, I can wait.
I'll just use a little psychology.
I took psychology in school.
You did, Alice?
Yeah, if you don't think about
food, you won't get hungry,
so I just won't think about food.
Good.
Come to think of it, I flunked psychology.
JAN: Mom!
Oh, Alice, wait a minute.
Here come Greg and Jan.
Ooh, better get those frying pans ready.
Okay, let's have them.
Go ahead, tell them all about the big one
that got away because of me.
And I was not afraid of it.
I couldn't help it.
I had good grip on it, but I let go
'cause it felt fishy.
And of course, all her screaming
scared all the other fish away.
Well, don't worry about it, Greg.
I'm sure the others will catch
enough fish for all of us.
I'm going to go wash my hands.
Well, how's a fish supposed to feel
if it doesn't feel fishy?
I hope somebody likes sardines.
That's the best you can catch
when somebody
who shall be nameless
breaks your line.
MARCIA: I did not break it.
I walked into it by mistake.
It felt like a cobweb,
and I got all tangled up.
I didn't know
you were scared of cobwebs.
I wasn't scared.
It tickled me.
Well, I guess dear ol' dad
will have to be the big provider.
Yuck.
Hiya, Bobby. Where's Daddy?
Right behind me.
Ah, good, did he catch anything?
Did he? Wow!
How big?
This big. See?
What on Earth? Daddy
caught Cindy just in time.
Just in time to get her soaked
and scare all the fish away.
Aw. Well, sweetheart,
if you wanted to go swimming
why didn't you say so?
I didn't swim on purpose;
I swum on accident.
Well, if you excuse me
and this pint-sized mermaid,
I'll get her into some dry clothes.
Come on.
Well, I don't suppose my girls
will win any trout contests.
Oh, honey, The girls couldn't help it.
Problem now is,
what are we going to eat?
Wait one second.
I had a whopper this long
just begging to be caught!
Yeah, me, too.
We could be frying it right this minute
if it weren't for the
so-called "opposite sex."
Boys, there's no use crying
over spilled trout.
But the girls scared them all away.
Well, they'll be back tomorrow.
We're starving now.
Yeah.
Well, you'll survive.
Surprise.
The girls and I packed this in the car
in case of an emergency.
How's that for a brilliant mother?
Hey, Carol, you're a lifesaver.
We're starving to death.
CAROL: Well, we have cold
cuts, cheese and fried chicken.
Just name your poison.
Anything and everything.
Dad, no! Huh?
That's sissy food.
Oh, well, yeah, but
We always live off the land.
I know but
Okay, okay, if you want to chicken out.
I'm not chickening out;
I'm being realistic.
Also thankful.
Listen, if your mother's
thoughtful enough
to bring this food out here,
the least you can do is eat it.
Cold cuts, cheese, salami, fried chicken.
We might as well camp
in a supermarket.
Better to eat in a supermarket
than to starve at camp.
Mmm, that's delicious.
Mmm, delectable.
Simply melts in your mouth.
I can't stand that kind of pressure.
Let me at it!
Me, too!
Well, honey, so far so good.
Yeah, the kids are really
enjoying themselves.
Mm-hmm, so am I.
You know what?
It's kind of romantic out here.
Yeah.
And we finally found
a moment alone together.
MARCIA: Mom, can
we have some water?
Just a minute.
GREG: Hey, Dad,
where are the blankets?
( Chuckles )
Togetherness, huh?
Good night, honey.
Good night, dear.
Togetherness, huh?
Good night, sweetheart.
Good night.
Good night. Good night, darling.
Sleep tight now. Okay.
There.
Good night, sweetheart. Good night.
Come on. Mommy cover you up.
There.
Sweet dreams.
( Sighs )
This is the life.
( Air hissing )
( Sighs )
( Owl hooting )
What was that?!
I don't know.
Well, I'm not sure.
Mike? Mike!
What's the matter?
What's that noise?
What noise?
( Hooting )
That noise.
( Chuckles )
That's not a noise.
That's an owl hooting.
He won't bother you.
( Sighs in relief )
Thanks, honey.
Good night.
Good night. Good night.
Good night, Dad.
( Frog croaking )
If-if that's an owl,
he's got a frog in his throat.
What was the matter, Dad?
Huh? Oh, nothing.
The girls just wanted
to know what a noise was.
Turned out to be a owl.
Boy, are they scaredy-cats.
Oh, yeah?
Well, it seems to me I remember
last year about this time
that you were pretty frightened
of those owls.
Well, I was just a little kid then.
All right, you guys,
if we're going to go hiking tomorrow,
you better get some sleep.
Good night, Dad. Good night, Dad.
Good night.
( Sharp hissing )
( Quietly ): What's that noise?
I may be wrong,
and I certainly hope I am,
but it sounds like a rattlesnake.
A rattlesnake?
( Girls screaming )
( Screaming continues )
( Screaming and crying )
For heaven's sake, what is it?!
It's got me!
It's got me! It's got me!
What's got you? What's got you?
I don't know, but can't you hear it?
I think it's in the sleeping bag with me.
Oh, Alice.
Nothing's got you.
With all that hardware on your head,
you punctured your air mattress.
Oh, thank goodness.
For a minute there,
I thought I was a goner.
You'll have to forgive us, honey.
It's our first night of camping,
and we're just a little nervous.
( Sighs )
Girls, try to be calm.
There are no wild animals in this area.
None of any kind?
Absolutely none.
So just try to be calm
and sleep tight, huh?
Thanks, honey. Good night, Dad.
Good night. Good night, Daddy.
Good night, Daddy. Good night.
What happened? What'd they want?
What was it? What?
And how are we supposed
to get any sleep
with the girls along?
That's enough, Bobby.
The trouble with them is
they get scared at every little sound.
Didn't you hear me
I said that's enough.
Well, you said it to Bobby, not to me.
Well, I'm saying it to you now.
And before you open your big mouth,
I'm saying it to you, too.
Don't you remember?
It was the girls who brought all that food.
Oh, that's right, fellas.
It was pretty good, too.
Well, I guess women are okay
for some things.
All right, boys.
Let's scare them now.
( Snickering quietly )
Dad, a bear!
Dad!
A bear! A bear!
A bear!
There really is a bear.
MIKE: Boys boys, wait!
( Girls screaming )
( Boys yelling )
( Screaming and yelling )
Well, you finally got what you wanted.
Oh, yeah, what's that?
Togetherness.
Come on out of there.
( Chuckling )
Hey, come on out of there.
Hey, you 9 Hey.
( Groans )
Boy, I'm going to be glad
to get into a bed tonight.
I'm tired.
No wonder three solid
days with the kids.
You must be worn to a frazzle.
Bet you're frazzled, too.
Exhausted.
You know, togetherness is great,
but exhausting.
Where are they all now, by the way?
Down in the den.
All of them, together?
Mm-hmm.
Huh, maybe we proved something
on that camping trip after all.
I certainly hope so.
( Knocking on door )
Come in.
Mom, Dad, could I ask you a question?
Well, sure. What is it, son?
We just had a big meeting downstairs
Peter and Bobby and all the girls.
We had lots of fun together
on this trip, and, well
Yeah?
Is it okay if we all go every
place with you from now on?
Well, certainly, son.
Of course.
Thanks. I'll go tell them.
( laughing )