The Venture Bros (2003) s01e08 Episode Script

I can't keep it together, Dr. Venture.
I'm sorry about the TVC15.
Tom, I'm not worried about that tin can.
I'm worried about you.
You're not dying on me,
and that's an order.
What's going on, Pop?
Everything is fine, son.
You're having a nightmare.
Kano! Take Rusty downstairs
and give him some warm milk.
I've got a message for the action man.
He's listening, Tom.
Go ahead.
I'm happy.
Hope you're happy, too.
I've loved all I needed to love.
Don't talk like that, Tom.
You're gonna make it. Fight it!
I'm feeling very still
and I think my spaceship
knows which way to go.
Tell my wife I love her very much.
She knows!
Ground control to Major Tom.
Your circuit's dead.
There's something wrong.
Can you hear me, Major Tom?
Can you hear me?
Major Tom!
Ashes
to ashes.
One more, Pop.
Need one with me next
to the meta-sonic locator?
No. I need one where
your suit isn't riding up.
Well, what do you want?
It's terry cloth.
It acts like a towel.
Super bad idea, Doc.
You've never taken a night dive before
or any dive.
Think about it, Brock.
There's fat greenbacks to be made
on that flying saucer my dad lost here.
He never patented it.
One flyboy goes boom
and he scrapped the whole project
out of respect for the dead.
It's just sitting down there
under eight hundred meters
of pitch-black liquid funeral.
Wait. I need this.
Um eight hundred meters
of black liquid funeral
lies between me and no. Wait.
Eight hundred meters
of cold embalming fluid
lies between me
and my sunken scientific trust fund.
Dean, I am now testing the two-way.
Can you read me? Over.
I sure can, Pop.
I read you loud and clear.
Dean?
Oh. Over.
The meta-sonic locator has been affixed
and I am "go" for the mission. Over.
Journal entry one.
As my loyal family and bodyguard
lower me toward the indifferent ocean
One cannot help but think
of a hangman's noose swinging like
Hank, what are you doing?
Sorry, Dad.
These controls are a little sticky.
I mean, we haven't done this since ever.
Well, just try to be
a little more gentle, please.
I'm already starting to
I'm in, and I totally bashed my head.
Beginning my descent into
oh, I should record this.
The Bermuda Triangle ocean of mystery.
Many have come to her before me
seeking stuff
never to be seen again.
Dad is super serious all of a sudden.
Do you think he's really
in as much danger as he says?
Oh, yeah. He's screwed.
I give him about an hour before he panics
and begs us to haul him up.
OK, guys. I can hear all of this.
Journal entry 29.
I am about to switch on
the meta-sonic locator
a device of my own design
that generates experimental
hypersonic sound waves so extra-special
they not only vibrate the water,
they vibrate time.
Ingenious, I know.
Brock. Come in, Brock.
- You had enough yet?
- What? No! Stop that.
What is your status topside?
Yeah. It's fine.
Boys are finally asleep.
Think Dean might have
a bladder infection or something.
He had to get up and pee, like, five times.
No way.
Hold on, Doc.
I think I see something
that makes no sense.
Better check it out.
OK, but I was just gonna
turn on my machine.
I thought it'd be cool for my journal
if, like, your voice was in the background
you know, saying impressive danger stuff.
Dean. Dean, wake up.
I think something's going on.
Brock's gone, and I just heard Dad
say something about danger stuff.
So what?
Sew buttons.
I'm gonna check it out.
Plus, I have to take a leak.
Do it off the heliport.
It makes this awesome arc.
Cool. Be right back.
Oh, damn it.
Brock! Pirates on the X-2!
Smooth, Hank.
I'm on it. Now keep quiet
and don't move till I tell you
- no matter what you see.
- Brock, if pirates really exist
that means Santa Claus and the tooth fairy
can even be real, right?
It's like all bets are off.
Hank, nobody ever said pirates don't exist.
So you agree with me
that this is impossible.
Ghost pirates!
Leave this ship at once.
Holy crap. He's getting his ass kicked.
Let's go save him.
You crazy?
My sword's made of cardboard.
Enough!
Get off that man before he kills all of you.
I'm sure he doesn't want to see
what his child is made of.
I mean, really what he's made of,
not like a test of his mettle.
I mean, I'm gonna spill his
Yeah. Got it the first time.
Silence!
Your insolence will not be tolerated
again.
Hey, is that guy dead?
Yeah, probably.
Come on. Was that necessary? Really.
Your scheme was very clever,
very clever indeed, but he's no ghost.
Oh, you think, genius?
What tipped you off?
Was it the huge zipper?
Maybe the rubber mask?
But you had to kill him anyway.
If you played by the rules
the ghost pirate rules
and just ran away,
none of this would be happening.
But no.
You had to go nuts and kill a guy.
Take him to the brig!
I'm keeping the boy with me.
If you try anything funny, your son dies.
Uh, Captain?
Do we not need this now?
Fine! But without the fog, what am I
gonna project the sea monster on?
Like trying to walk around
inside a giant fat kid.
Journal entry 36.
I don't get it.
The meta-sonic locator should've
rolled back the curtain of time
and revealed my dad's
flying metal failure by now.
No, wait. That's crap.
Journal entry 36.
The meta-sonic locator,
though performing admirably
begs his master to increase the volume,
a bidding his master gladly complies with.
I seem to have stepped
into some sort of undersea chewing gum.
Because of this
I can't move.
Oh, boy. This can't be good.
Abort! Brock!
Come in, Brock!
Hank. Come in, Hank.
I'm here. Where are you?
Are you being keelhauled?
Have they removed your fingernails?
Hank, please.
I need your help.
- Really?
- Yes, really. Where are you?
I'm near the heliport
at the stern of the X-2.
It's dicey, but I could probably rescue you
if you give me your coordinates.
Oh, Hank.
If there was ever a time in your life
I needed you not to be Hank, it's now.
- Sorry, Brock.
- Forget about it.
All right.
You have to be my hands.
I'll talk you through it.
- Brock?
- What?
This could be the single
greatest moment of my life.
Focus, Hank.
Whatever you do,
don't light a cigarette.
A good sniper can see
a hot cherry for miles.
Brock, I don't smoke.
Good. Now's a lousy time to start.
We're not carrying gold
or anything like that.
I don't want your treasure, kid.
I don't even want your wallet.
I just want your boat.
Now just tell me where the keys are.
You have a pirate ship.
Sit on my lap, son.
It's story time.
I don't want to sit in your lap.
Fine. Don't.
I'll tell you anyway.
That pirate ship out there
hasn't moved an inch in, like, forever.
We've been stuck in that
disgusting sargassum
which, by the way,
no matter how you cook it
still tastes
like hot sargassum
It's been, like, ten years.
- Wow!
- Yeah, wow. Oh, sure.
In the beginning, it's lots of fun
you know, set up the projector,
turn on the fog machine
and everybody is like,
"Oh, no! Ghost pirates!"
And then you'd abandon ship
like you were supposed to
and then we'd help ourselves to the booty.
Treasure? Like gold doubloons
and "pieces of eight"?
Think about it, kid.
Who ships doubloons across
the Bermuda Triangle these days?
You want to know what
our biggest haul was?
Shipment of I'Eggs eggs.
Some of the boys still wear the pantyhose
as sashes and headbands.
- Did that hurt?
- Not really.
Here. Lick your arm.
I've got more in me pocket.
What the hell was that?
Oh, come on now.
I can't believe you think that old joke
would work on me twice.
I'm totally serious.
I don't know what that was.
Yeah, right.
I don't hear anything.
But you did, right?
There it is again.
I didn't hear
I can't hear any
Hold on a second.
You didn't just
You heard that, right?
What am I listening for?
If you would just shut up for a minute!
OK. I see them.
I think they're drunk on rum
because they're pirates.
Hey, I found your knife.
Leave it.
You're not ready.
Now I want you to put
your hand around your throat, Hank.
All right.
That tube you feel is your trachea.
Think of it as a handle.
Your thumb is on your carotid artery.
That's your button.
Now, remember grab the handle.
Push the button.
Repeat that back.
Grab the handle. Push the
Let go of your own throat, Hank.
Journal entry 48.
The blanket of warm vomit
that previously kept the icy chill at bay
has hardened to a sticky shell.
Thankfully, the stench has faded.
Continued efforts to contact base
have proved fruitless
and the clam won't quit it.
All right. This is just
getting downright spooky.
Come on. Just give me the key, Dean.
I really don't have the key, I swear.
I guess Brock might.
Who's Brock?
My dad's bodyguard.
Your dad has a bodyguard?
Why would he need a bodyguard?
The guy's a tank.
Well, because
So where is this Brock guy?
He's hiding
and waiting to save me
with guys.
You're not a very good liar, Dean, are you?
Maybe.
Yo ho, Mike. Do you copy?
We hit a Toys "R" Us ship
a couple of years ago.
- Yo ho, Captain.
- Yeah, Mike.
The guy in the brig might have the key,
or there might be someone named Brock
- Ioose on the ship with
- Guys.
With guys, Mike.
You are not gonna tell me
you didn't hear that!
After the twist, you'll feel a snap,
and the body goes rag doll on you.
And that will knock him out even more?
That will kill him.
Do I have to?
All right. Fine, crybaby.
Just tie him up and
maybe, I guess, gag him
But at the first sign of trouble
I want you to at least break both his knees.
Hank, there's no reason to get upset.
I'll get you through
Crap. Someone's coming.
Maintain radio silence and stay calm.
We need that key that starts your boat,
Mr. Big Stuff. Let's have it.
It's up my ass.
Are you serious?
Why don't you check?
Well? Check.
What if he's lying?
If he were telling the truth,
that would be better?
Journal entry 56.
I just learned that giant clams
don't like the taste
of exploding robot legs.
I've taken refuge
in the forward compartment
and am now running on reserve power
mobility hindered,
morale low, no radio contact.
Oh, yeah.
I lost my locator,
and, yes, I realize the irony of that.
No way!
Journal entry 57.
Oh, how they scoffed.
True, in light of certain setbacks,
I even began to doubt myself
but through perseverance
and no small amount of ingenuity
I've located the saucer!
I can't believe I got
to swab the poop deck.
And remember how you complained
when we hit that Red Cross ship?
"What are we gonna do
with twenty crates of rubber gloves?"
Totally take it back.
Hey, buddy,
I'd kill for one of those right about now.
My last pack.
It'll help me relax.
Dude, give him one.
Please.
No. Screw him.
Pirates don't give people cigarettes.
They take them.
My friggin' hand!
My elbow! My arm!
Let go of my arm with your ass!
Your ass is clamped to my arm!
Mike? Yo ho?
What's going on with that key already?
Hey, Captain, I got your key.
Hope you're hungry
'cause I'm gonna feed it to you.
I told you what I'd do for one of these.
This is all wrong.
This is not the way this
is supposed to go down.
Wow. I've never hot-wired
a hydrofoil before.
That was easy.
Wait! What about my dad?
Kid, who do you think's the reason
I'm hauling ass out of here?
Did you hear him?
He sounded scarier than
Than whatever the hell that is.
And as I prepare to open
the long-submerged saucer
I must pause for a brief aside
for once again, where my father failed,
I, Dr. Thaddeus S. Venture, am about to
Whoop.
No, no, no, no!
Now you try to help me?
Cancel mission-abort command.
Rebort. Do you copy?
Take me back over to the thing.
Seriously, Brock, what the f
You OK?
Oh, my God.
Am I bleeding?
It's a little red.
Thought we cut the anchor chain.
Well, here's your trouble right h
What's going on here?
Aw, come on.
Who did this?
Like these guys haven't had it
bad enough tonight.
Guess you weren't lying
about that Brock guy.
I guess I wasn't.
What kind of expert bodyguard
ties men up with big bows?
- That came from the bow.
- Told you.
A real ghost?
Gaar! That's
That wow! No way!
Hank, don't move.
- I can't.
- Shoot it.
This thing came from the same ship
we got the walkie-talkies.
It's plastic.
And that's a ghost!
Well, do something.
You're a grownup.
All right. I'll save your dad's bodyguard.
I guess I deserve this.
You live by the ghost,
you die by the ghost.
Uh, it doesn't seem to want to kill us.
It doesn't seem to want
to do anything except that.
Dr. Orpheus, master of mysticism.
Oh, hello, Hank.
How is your father?
Well, I'm busy at the moment.
Pumpkin's due home from tennis,
and I'm making my famous frittatas.
What is that yelling
in the background?
It's kind of what I called about.
We have a ghost problem.
Who's that he's talking to?
Well, he's a necromancer.
He lives in my backyard.
Hank, are you certain it isn't just a guy
in a rubber mask messing with you?
I see.
No. I can hear it.
Listen, Hank.
Can you hang on a sec?
What's he saying?
I'm on hold.
I think he's astroprojecting or something.
Journal entry whatever.
All attempts to contact
the ship above me have failed.
The only warmth I feel
stems from moderate hypothermia.
All I can do now is wait
for death's casual hand
to finish the job that fate began
at my uneventful puberty.
All right, Hank. Are you there?
I went through your grandfather's records.
My garage has piles of them,
but I have it figured out.
A Major Tom was tragically lost
on that very spot
in the nineteen hundred and sixties.
That's your man.
I can feel it in my soul.
So what do I do?
Oh, please. You've seen "Ghost"?
The rest is cake.
Do you have a pen?
To use as a magic wand.
To use as a pen, Hank.
Take this number down.
Hello?
Hello, Mrs. Tom?
Oh, I didn't know this thing still worked.
Marvelous.
Mrs. Tom, it's about your husband.
He's in trouble.
Jeanie? Jeanie, what's happening?
Rodney? He's right here.
Do you want to speak with him?
Dude, no. I want you to talk
to your husband so he'll shut up.
No offense, Mrs. Tom, but he's a real pain.
Beg pardon?
Tom, it's your wife, sweetie.
You're dead now.
It's time to go.
Leave the Venture family alone, honey.
It's working.
Give me that.
Tom, it's Rodney.
You know, the action man.
It was sure good times
we had back then
But that was almost thirty years ago.
You're dead.
Jeanie's remarried
to me, actually.
Well, we could've done that.
Final journal entry.
Perhaps someday my own sons will find it
and learn from my mistakes
When they return to this spot to get rich
off of discovering
my father's flying saucer
and my meta-sonic locator.
If you're listening to this, boys,
I just want you both to know
His eyes!
Crazy eyes!
Accusing!
Who are you?
All right, Brock.
I know this sounds crazy
but just hear him out.
Can we have a ride home?
- What?
- No.
Do it like you said you were gonna.
I'm really, really sorry
about this whole mess
and, you know, the whole pirate thing
is behind me now
and plus, you kind of
killed Steve and burnt my ship.
So if you could give us a lift out of here,
I figured we'd just call it squaresies.
- All right.
- Go, Team Venture!
I don't know.
They just do that.
That's good soup.