Twins (2005) s01e08 Episode Script

Lee, I'm sorry, but it's just not | appropriate to bring her to work.
Of course it is, Janice in Accounting brings | her kids in when she can't find a sitter
Janice's kid doen't kick, doesn't bite,
and doesn't let loose with a river | of pee every ten minutes.
All of my life, I have wanted a | horse and I finally have one.
You know, you're just | grouchy because you're sick.
This is a place of business. | What are people going to say
when they see you leading | livestock off the elevator?
Oh my God! You guys, | look! It's Tink!
Nobody gets that excited | over Janice's kid.
Twins Season 1 Episode 8 | Horse Sense
Mitchee, take five! | Mini horse in the house.
Farrah, not now.
Mini horses can't drag you away?
Okay, Mr. Burnbaum. | One o'clock tomorrow.
I'll be there. | Bye.
Hot date?
Yes. With Schlomo Burnbaum. | He's 82 and he supplies our satin.
Go easy on him. | At least till you get the ring.
Farrah, stop kidding around. | I have a problem.
I'm supposed to meet with him | tomorrow at one. And I have a meeting
with the landlord to renegotiate | our lease at the same time.
Well, can't Schlomo do it any later?
No, he has to be in bed by four.
You know what? Maybe I'll just call our | landlord and see if I can reschedule.
No, wait, you don't have to do that. | Let me take the lease meeting.
Good one.
No, I'm serious. I'm a partner | in this company. I can handle it.
Look. Don't take this | personally, Farrah,
but renegotiating the lease isn't | like getting the office birthday cake.
At which I am excellent.
Last week you left Rita's ice cream cake | in the trunk of your car overnight.
Mitchee, come on. | Let me do the lease negotiation.
So we're blowing by the | ice cream cake thing.
I want to prove that I can do this.
I don't know. I mean, do you | know anything about real estate?
No. But you do. | And you can teach me.
Come on. It'lbe like high school.
Every time I tried to | help you in high school,
you ended up tuning out | and playing with your hair.
This is different. | This time I care.
Okay.
Let's start at the beginning, all right?
Our goal here is to pay | as little rent as possible.
Got it.
Our landlord's name is Lou.
And the first thing he's | probably going to say to you
is that statewide, commercial | rents have increased 11%.
Mm. Interesting.
Okay. Don't let him get away with it. | Because in this area,
comparable long-term leases | have capped out at 7%, not 11.
I'm listening.
Okay, what did I just say?
Something about a 7-Eleven.
Great. We're going to be running our | office out of a tent under the freeway.
No. Listen.
I can use the 7 and 11 | to remember the boring stuff.
It'll be a memory trick. | Like a moronic device.
You mean a pneumonic device.
Then what's a moronic device?
I don't know. The Clapper?
Anyway.
When Lou says he's going | to raise the rent 11%,
I'm going to remember | making out with Chris Collins
in the parking lot of the 7-Eleven.
And?
And it was great.
What does that have | to do with our lease?
I don't know, but I have | all day to think about it
and this is all I am going to focus on.
Okay. | Well, the other thing you should know is
that there is a glut of available | office space in the city right now.
No, that's not right.
Yes, it is.
No. Chris Collins was ampm.
I made out with Pete | Panziani in the 7-Eleven.
Eww.
What?
Oh, never mind. | It's a glazed doughnut.
You're a sick man, Alan. | Your eyes are watering.
Your nose is running. And you | really should go to the doctor.
No need for that.
It's been three weeks and you're | not getting any better, you know.
So? It'll go away, or I'll die. | Either way, problem solved.
Okay, that time, you got it.
You know, I think that you have | the flu. And do you know why?
Because you didn't get your flu shot.
And you know why you | didn't get your flu shot?
It's because you're afraid of needles.
Oh, please don't say that word.
I'm fine, Lee.
I don't know why I even bothered | to blow-dry my hair this morning.
Okay. I'll go see the stupid doctor.
Thank God.
Alan, I think you're scaring Tink.
Well, what's she going to do? | Pee?
Where have you been?
Lou the landlord is going to | be here in less than an hour.
Relax.
I have everything under control here.
It's locked and loaded.
You learned everything in that folder?
No. I'm not going to use any of that.
I'm just going to go in | there and do my thing.
What's your thing?
You know.
Your thing is making a fish face?
No. | Flirting.
Lou's not into numbers. | He's into models.
I'm going to go in there with | a tight skirt and a push-up bra
and a look on my face that says,
"Who knows, Lou? | Stranger things have happened."
What are you talking about? | Where is this coming from?
Mom.
She used to negotiate the lease.
Mom?
Yeah. | Who do you think coined the phrase,
"Who knows, Lou? | Stranger things have happened."
Okay, I refuse to believe that Mom | negotiated the lease by doing this:
- Ask her. | - Okay, fine. I will.
Mom.
Farrah said that you used to | handle the lease every year
by flirting with the landlord?
Um, that's not true.
Yeah, I didn't think so.
No, one year, I was sick | and your dad had to do it.
Our rent went up 10%
and we had to bring our | own toilet paper from home.
See? I told you that's how she did it.
Okay. I love Mom, but | with all due respect
the woman brought a small | horse shopping to Bloomingdales.
All right? All I'm saying | is that we are in charge now.
And you're too smart to be using | your body as a negotiating tool.
But it's called using what you've got. | I've got it. I'm going to use it.
You don't see me judging your thing | of always being prepared and organized.
Yes, that's because my thing isn't | unprofessional or demeaning to women.
Yeah, well, my thing | works and it's been proven.
I'm not saying that it doesn't work.
Okay, then, why are we still talking?
I don't know. Why are we?
Why don't I go crank up | the AC, so you can nip out?
I'm one step ahead of you. | It's set to 53.
Here, Tink. Here's | some sugar for my sugar.
Pardon me, Lee?
Yeah, Bob.
Are we out of sugar cubes?
No, there's some right here. | Want some?
I'll try honey.
Hi, Alan. Where were you?
I went to the doctor.
How'd it go?
Not well. They had to take some blood.
So they pierced my flesh whit one | of those long, pointy, you know.
- Needles? | - Ohh.
- Alan can't stand the word needle. | - What's wrong with needle?
Well, he's terrified of needles, | so when someone says needles,
it makes him think of needles.
I have an aunt who's afraid of needles.
Oh, really? All needles?
Not sewing needles | or knitting needles--
Oh for the love of God! Stop!
First time I talk to the boss | in six years and I blow it.
Well, the good news is, ehh-- no flu.
It seems I just have allergies.
Oh? To what?
Well, to two things.
- One is loganberries. | - Well, that shouldn't be a problem.
Oh, no! The Loganberry Festival.
Well, I could still go. | But as for the pie-eating contest,
it seems I would never get | up from the table alive.
Well, you never win, anyhow.
I mean, the way your throat | closes up after two bites.
Yes, well, now we know | that wasn't just nerves.
So what's the other | thing you're allergic to?
Well, that's the bad news.
It's horses.
Oh, thank God it's not | miniature horses.
Turns out, they, too | are made of horse.
Well, maybe there's some kind | of medicine that you could take.
Well, technically, there | is a way to control it,
but it involves seven incredibly | painful shots every three weeks.
But you're going to get them, right?
Please?
Well, I
No, Lee, I'm not.
That makes me so sad.
You're going to be so uncomfortable.
Lee, I don't plan to be uncomfortable.
Are you saying
that you want to get rid of her?
I don't want to.
Tink, go into Mommy's office.
Okay, you're right. | You deserve to hear this, too.
Sweetheart. | I know how attached you've become,
but you can't expect me to | be tortured every three weeks.
Well, you can't expect | me to just give up my baby
just because you're afraid of needles.
The doctor showed me the one they use. | It comes in its own case.
She has to assemble it like a pool cue.
So, if you were allergic | to Mitchee and Farrah,
would you ask me to just | get rid of them, too?
- Lee, this horse is not your daughter. | - To me, she is.
Well, that's an impossibility.
Despite those disgusting Swedish | movies we watched when we were dating.
Well, before you go, let | me just say one thing. | - What?
Needle-needle-needle- | needle-needle-needle!
Mom? | What's wrong?
Oh, nothing. Your father just | doesn't want me to be happy.
You need more lip gloss.
- Got it. | - Okay.
Now, remember, Lou's going | to do most of the talking.
So, you just sort of | stand there and giggle.
And then you touch his arm, | even though it's really hairy
and try not to look too grossed out.
And when you're tired of giggling,
then you just sit down on the desk in | front of him and you cross your legs.
Should I go all Basic Instinct on him?
No, Honey. You're a lady and | a professional businesswoman.
Okay? Now, let's just push | these up a little bit here.
- Thank you. | - You're welcome.
Come on, Tink.
Excuse me.
I'm looking for Farrah Arnold.
I'm Farrah.
I'm Lisa. | I'm here for the lease meeting.
- Oh, where's Lou? | - Lou retired.
What? | No, he can't.
Who am I having the meeting with?
Me. I'm Lou's daughter. | I'm your new landlord.
Please don't touch me.
Okay. Well.
I'm sure you probably have | a lot of facts and figures
you want to share with me, | so why don't I let you start?
Um, why don't you go first?
Fine.
I'm sure you're aware that California | commercial rents have increased by 11%.
I actually disagree.
Based on what?
You know.
No, I don't.
Do you really need to know?
Yes.
Just give me a second. | It'll come to me.
I made out with Chris Collins
or was it Peter Panziani?
- Something about the ampm? | - What are you talking about?
- I'm using a moronic device. | - Clearly.
Yes! It was Chris Collins.
What?
I don't know.
It's been eight years. I'm not even | in touch with either of those guys.
Look, I don't know what | you're trying to pull here,
but you're aware that legally | I could raise your rent by 13%.
What are you doing?
Did you ever see the | movie Basic Instinct?
That mangy, pee-spewing beast | is still here, isn't she?
Who? Janice in Accounting?
No.
God, I blew it again!
Don't be mad at Daddy, Tink. | It's not that he doesn't love you.
I mean, who couldn't love you?
And here. Here's a hug from Daddy | because he can't give it to you himself.
Don't cry.
Mr. Arnold.
Uh, hiya.
Um, I, uh-- uh-- | uh-- uh, just, uh--
Put it on my tab.
So you're here for the | horse allergy shots.
Yes, but by any chance, does | it come in any other form?
Pill?
Or perhaps a lozenge?
Relax, I've given these shots a thousand | times. I promise I'll be very gentle.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Because I'm really | very, very, very--
Oh, boy, that is big!
Don't worry, Mr. Arnold, | you're in really good hands.
I have an idea.
Why don't you just inject that | into a sandwich and I'll eat it?
Excuse me.
Hello.
Hi, Honey.
Can I call you back? | I'm with a patient.
What?
You're telling me this now?
Over the phone?
Do you want some privacy?
You're throwing away twelve years | of marriage for that little tramp?
I could reschedule.
Don't tell me to calm | down, you son-of-a-bitch!
Let's not rule out calming | down before you try it.
God! | I hate men!
Okay.
Let's do this.
Maybe we should do it another time.
Sit down and roll up your sleeve.
Oh, Mitchee, thank God you're here!
I've been trying to reach you. Why haven't | you been answering your cell phone?
That's my cell phone.
Oh, well why did you call me to | tell me when you were coming back?
Once again, that's my cell phone.
What's going on? | Did something go wrong with Lou?
I've explained this eight times | on your voicemail, Mitchee.
Assume I didn't get them.
It's not Lou anymore. His daughter's | the new landlord and she's a woman.
- That is fantastic. | - No, it's not!
Mitchee, she's going | to raise our rent 13%.
See? That's why you have to be prepared. | That's why you can't rely on this.
Mitchee, I need you help. Can you | please save the gloating for later?
You always say that, but then | you never make time for it.
Fine. Tonight at seven.
- I have therapy. | - Okay, eight.
Perfect, let's go.
Alan. What happened to you?
I got the shots, Lee.
You did?
Yep. | All ten of them.
But I thought there was | only supposed to be seven.
Well, evidently, in medicine, | you're allowed practice shots.
I can't believe you got the shots.
Well, it was worth it, Lee. | Now, you can keep Tinkerbell.
Um, Alan
Tinkerbell's gone.
What? Where is she?
She went away to live on a farm.
You killed her?
No, I gave her to the Thornley's | granddaughter who lives in Modesto.
Well, why would you do that? | You loved that horse.
Yeah, but I love you more. | And I couldn't stand to see you suffer.
Lee, I am touched beyond words | that you would do that for me.
Well, you got the shots, Alan. | And that is so sweet of you.
Come here.
Ow, ow, ow, ow.
I'm still throbbing from the shots.
You can hug me, just stay from | the arms, legs, and buttocks.
Okay.
That's good.
That's even better.
What? What is it, Alan?
Did you have Loganberry | pie this afternoon?
Oh my God! | I don't know what I was thinking.
Um, I'll call 911.
Look, all I'm saying is we're | only willing to go up 2%.
Anything beyond that, and we walk.
You wouldn't walk.
Oh, she would. | She walks everywhere.
She's got these lame cross-trainers | that make her feet look like lifeboats.
Is that the sound of me handling this?
Farrah, would you give us a minute?
Fine.
Um, Farrah. | Can I ask you something?
I don't know. | I'm kind of upset right now.
I just found out that there's no | room for sexuality in the workplace.
Never mind.
So, we're all set.
It was a pleasure | doing business with you.
Thanks, Lisa, you too.
See you next year.
Mitchee, you did so great in there.
Oh, thanks.
And you know what else? You were right.
Business is about being prepared and | doing your work and knowing stuff.
Not about trading on your looks and | not knowing stuff.
Yeah.
She hit on me.
- What? | - Yeah.
After you left, I reiterated my offer, | and she accepted because she says I'm,
and I quote, "Smoking Hot."
Oh my God! That's unbelievable. | So what did you do?
and accepted the best | lease we've ever had.
See, maybe there is room for | sexuality in the workplace.
Maybe not.