Vladimir (2026) s01e08 Episode Script

What the fuck?!
- Oh God.
- What the fuck? What are you…
- Oh God.
- What the fuck?
- Oh.
- What the fuck? You psycho!
- Why the fuck am I tied to a chair?
- Sh, sh, sh, Vlad.
- What the fuck?
- Sh, sh. Vlad.
- Sh.
- Oh God!
- Oh!
- It's okay, it's okay.
Are you… How are you?
How am I? How the fuck do you think I am?
What… what did you do to me?
Vlad, I'm… I'm… I'm… I'm sorry.
We were… we were so drunk.
And then you said
that you might wanna be… dominated.
Just… just to try it.
But… but then nothing happened
because I myself was so drunk…
- Oh, fuck me.
- …and then, God, I passed out.
And… and this whole thing
is just a huge misunderstanding,
and I'm gonna get you out of here
right now.
- Okay.
- Okay?
Oh fuck.
- Okay. Get you out now.
- Okay.
There we go. Okay.
- I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.
Did we, um…
- Did we do anything?
- No! No.
No, nothing happened. I promise.
God, I… I told you, um…
I told you…
Oh God, this is really hard to say, but
last night, I told you that
Cynthia and John are having an affair.
Um…
Are you… Are you sure?
Yeah, I caught them together.
I'm so sorry.
Can I stay here tonight?
He slept in the guest room.
I couldn't tell what he was thinking
when we parted ways.
So in the morning, I left him a note
and a number for a car service,
and I went to the store.
Now it's on him to decide.
It's his choice.
He'll probably never speak to me again.
Maybe he'll call the police.
I wouldn't blame him.
It was a mistake.
People make mistakes, and
I made one.
Hello?
It's me.
You okay?
The door can stick.
Uh, you better come around.
I thought you'd left.
No, I just went for a walk.
How… how are you feeling?
That was the best sleep I've had
in three years.
Oh.
- Would you like coffee?
- I'd love some.
You, uh,
dropped your phone
in the toilet last night.
I could put it in some rice or…
Nice one, Vlad.
Thanks.
Is it not… not okay?
It's the best coffee I've had
in my entire life.
I'm gonna do some journaling.
Oh.
He's still here.
Uh…
- Can I bum one?
- Mm-hmm.
May I, um…
Can I ask what your plan might be?
Well… the way I see it,
Cynthia got to run away.
- What?
- She left me with Phee.
- You mean when she tried to--
- Kill herself? Yes.
You can't really call that running away.
She found something
that I'd written about that day,
and she made me throw it away.
It was the first good thing I'd written
since… since my last book.
Oh, she said it belonged to her.
Right.
And now she's fucking someone else?
Sorry, but when she, um…
You knew where she was.
She doesn't know where you are.
No, she kinda does.
Basically.
How?
You told her.
Yeah, you wrote her on my phone
about needing time.
What?
I have my laptop with me.
And I saw the text messages
on my computer.
Yeah, you have a Wi-Fi next to the bed.
Probably for rentals, I guess.
Oh, well, drunk.
You must've, um… decided--
No, you wrote that.
I didn't write that.
I know I didn't.
It's okay.
It's interesting.
Did you put something
in my drink last night?
I would never do something like that.
I believe you.
Good, because I'm telling the truth.
I'm gonna take out a boat.
He wants to stay.
Hello.
You answered.
- How's it going?
- It's a fucking farce.
They say it'll be done by tonight.
Are you mad at me?
You know,
I was thinking about it, and, um,
making my wife sit by my side
during my Title IX hearing
just didn't feel like us.
Right.
As long as
you're fucking riddled with guilt.
- You gonna tell me where you are?
- No.
They're starting back up.
- I gotta go.
- Is that Sid? Can I speak to her?
You okay?
- Yeah, are you okay?
- Yeah.
You're very impressive.
Oh, the kayak tipped.
- Oh, are you all right?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
I just needed to get out of
those wet clothes and into a dry martini.
It's from The Simpsons.
Um, there are some pants of John's
in the dresser.
You don't like me like this?
D.H. Lawrence is great.
You forget. You think he's gonna be nuts,
and then he's amazing.
Oh, yes, the first line,
something like, uh,
"Ours is essentially a tragic age,
so we refuse to take it tragically."
God, you're impressive.
Oh, please,
I just learn all those first lines
so I can show off to boys like you.
Well, it's effective.
Is that your new book?
Oh.
Uh…
Yeah. Yes.
Do you like it?
It's the best work I've ever done,
but I'm still trying
to figure out an ending.
Do you wanna write together?
Oh?
I'll go get my computer.
Uh, well, where are your clothes?
I can wash them.
Uh, they are on the porch.
The jeans can't go in the dryer.
It's okay.
He made me feel dirty.
I dropped out of school shortly after.
Did you ever alert the school
about what had transpired?
No.
Why not?
I was ashamed of myself.
I thought professors were gods.
I was just a townie kid,
and all I had was being good at school.
I don't wanna ruin anyone's life,
but I was so vulnerable back then,
and him doing that,
it wasn't…
…kind.
You were in his wife's class?
Yes.
What was the nature
of your relationship with her?
Honestly, I didn't know her that well.
She was a good teacher.
You don't have to look down?
Nope.
Did you ever have an affair
with a student?
No.
Yes.
But he was a… he was a grad student.
Um, he was in his, uh… late twenties,
and I was in my early thirties.
Uh… I was in my prime.
- Well, you're still in your prime.
- Not in the same way, and he was, um…
I was wild about him.
Why?
He made
the most incredible eye contact.
Mm.
You were so good in there, honey.
Thank you.
So now we just see what happens, right?
Uh… Alexis is on her way.
We're gonna head back to the city.
But they said it'd be any minute
till we get the… big old verdict.
You don't need me for that part.
Sid!
It's been so long since
anybody's cooked for me. That was, um…
that was special.
I'm happy you enjoyed it.
Today was productive.
I wrote 12 pages.
I'm so glad.
I… I actually didn't write a word.
Too distracted?
Mm. Sure.
So how long do you think
John and Cynthia have been at it?
I really don't wanna think about that.
I need to tell you something.
I did something bad.
I didn't hand in my paper, Professor.
Am I in trouble?
Excuse me.
I… I am… I'm so sorry.
Oh God, don't be sorry. Please.
Didn't you say that that's… that's
what we were gonna do last night?
I don't want to act out
your high-school fantasy
of some pervy older woman.
I… That's not what I want.
I thought that's what you wanted.
- I don't.
- I want… I wanna do what you want.
Well, I want you to do what you want.
- How do I make you happy?
- Please don't try to make me happy.
Mm…
God, Vlad, did I
make it all up?
What?
Oh.
I'm gonna…
I'm gonna go get ready for bed.
Should I join you?
Stop asking me questions.
When I saw you at that faculty meeting,
I wanted to do this to you.
Oh my God.
And when I came over that first time,
I wanted…to do this.
Oh Jesus.
And when I came over to swim,
I wanted to do this.
And when we were in the conference room
that one day…
- I wanted you on your knees…
- Oh God.
- …under the table.
- Oh fuck.
- Come here.
- Should I take this off?
No, I can't wait.
Oh my God! I'm… I'm coming.
Oh, that was so hot.
Oh, you can… you can come.
- What?
- You can come.
- You sure?
- Yes.
Okay.
- Vlad.
- Yeah?
You can go to the guest room.
Okay.
- Whoa!
- Ah!
What the hell? It's me.
Oh.
I like his undies.
Fuck you, man.
Oh, where are you… where are you going?
Nice work.
Seriously. I'm impressed.
If you say one more word, I will kill you.
Don't get too close.
Oh, I'm freezing.
Are those my pants?
Vlad has been staying in the guest room
because he needed a little space,
that's all.
- You don't have to lie.
- You're not allowed to say anything.
- I'm allowed to say--
- For any reason.
- But even more so--
- No, anyone can feel exactly--
Even more so! What about you and Cynthia?
What?
Cynthia? What?
Hey, stop fucking laughing.
I'm sorry, I can't help it.
Friends, Cynthia is
way above my pay grade.
- What?
- No, she…
You said you caught them, right?
- Caught us doing what?
- I did.
I… I… I saw you together at some…
at some, uh…
You were with her.
Yeah, well, unlike the two of you,
we were not fucking.
Cynthia's finishing her memoir,
and I'm writing an epic poem.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
so you… you weren't…
Betraying you? No, sir.
You said you saw them together.
Well, I did. I… I thought I did.
- You were writing?
- You are not the only one that can write.
- At two in the morning?
- That's right.
We take drugs, and then we write.
It's fun.
What? Are you…
You piece of shit! I'm gonna…
- What's wrong with you?
- Sexy when you're mad.
- She's sober!
- Cynthia can make her own choices.
No, she can't.
You have no idea what she's dealing with!
Stop!
- It was her idea.
- Of course it was 'cause she's an addict!
She bought them. I kept them.
It's like half an Adderall. She's fine.
You have no fucking clue, you moron!
She just wants to get this book done
and move outta that fucking condo
so it can stop being about you
all the time.
When has it ever been about me?
Oh God.
Can I borrow your phone?
Why?
To call my fucking wife.
Oh, yeah, sure.
- Tell her I said hi.
- Fuck you.
Shut your fucking mouth.
- You wanna know about the hearing?
- Yes.
The complaints were dismissed.
I won't teach again,
but I got to keep my pension, so… I won.
You don't seem happy.
I think it was a mistake
to involve Sidney.
She'll get over it.
No, I think I fucked it up for a while.
Okay.
- I had a thought.
- Mm-hmm.
Maybe we… revisit our agreement.
What do you mean?
We're not getting any younger.
We could
recommit?
I mean, isn't this all starting
to feel a little sad?
After you're finished, of course.
- What did she say?
- Uh…
She said that…
that you
help her feel like a normal human.
I don't know.
Well, I am going to bed.
Okay.
You wanna know what I want?
What?
I want you to meet me here once a week.
Say you will.
You inspire me.
There was a time in my life
when that was the most exciting thing
that someone could say to me.
I'm just getting my notebooks.
Should I… change the sheets?
It might be wise.
- Was it everything you wanted?
- John.
- It's the best feeling though, isn't it?
- What?
Desire.
I thought it was about desire,
but it's not about that as much as…
What?
What the desire did. It was invigorating.
It… it gave me this.
- Got your groove back.
- Jesus.
- She's still got it.
- John, please.
So what's it about?
I'll, uh…
I'll let you read it when it's published.
Think it'll sell?
I think it could give me a whole new life.
Do you want a whole new life?
Well, I want choices.
I want options. I want…
- Power?
- I think the kids call it agency.
Are you
coming to bed?
I don't know.
You don't like that ending?
It has recently come to my attention
that both Vladimir and John
are thinking of me
as a character in their own story.
And they both have an idea
about how it's gonna play out.
But there are forces
beyond anyone's control.
A fire breaks out when we're asleep.
Just like in a gothic novel.
As though that obsession,
that thrill of desire, goes up in flames.
Vlad! Wake up!
John! Wake up. Get up!
There's a fire! Get up!
Oh shit! What happened? Shit.
- The fucking door's stuck.
- Out of the fucking way.
And I understand…
- Get out of the way.
- I got it!
Get out of the fucking way!
It's my door. Get away, you fucking d-bag.
…that I have to make a choice.
- It's my goddamn house.
- Fuck off.
Get out of the fucking way.
Wait, wait, wait! Where are you going?
- What?
- Hey! Wait!
Stop! What are you doing? Honey!
A whole new life.
And this is how it plays out.
I finish my book about a woman's obsession
with her younger colleague.
Vlad writes a book about a tender affair
with an older professor.
Mine does much better.
It speaks to a certain need.
Oh, don't worry.
I call 911. Everybody gets out.
You don't believe me?
Why men great Till they gotta be great?
Whoo!
I just took a DNA test
Turns out
I'm a hundred percent that bitch
Even when I'm crying crazy
Yeah, I got boy problems
That's the human in me
Bling bling, then I solve 'em
That's the goddess in me
You coulda had a bad bitch
Noncommittal
Help you with your career
Just a little
You're 'posed to hold me down
But you're holding me back
And that's the sound
Of me not calling you back
Why men great
Till they gotta be great?
Don't text me
Tell it straight to my face
Best friend sat me down
In the salon chair
Shampoo, press
Get you outta my hair
Fresh photos with the bomb lighting
New man on the Minnesota Vikings
Truth hurts
Needed somethin' more exciting
Bom-bom bi-dom bi-dum bum-bay
With the bomb lighting, yeah-eh