AfterMASH (1983) s01e09 Episode Script

1
© BF-WATCH TV 2021.
© BF-WATCH TV 2021 Oh, I had a picture of
that.
Ah, a trip to Chicago.
Nice picture of the loop.
Oh, that's Grandma's house.
Oh, Mother, here's a doozy.
Thanksgiving 33.
Even the Turkey had hair on this one.
I remember that one.
Evie was seven then.
You were on furlough from med school.
You carved the Turkey with your first
little scalpel.
I made that gobbler last till New Year's.
Oh, 41.
Evie had a lot to be thankful for.
That's the year her sweaters bloomed.
Look at this crowd of boys around her.
You had your scalpel out that night, too.
Great Princess Papouli, this is the first Turkey day
in a dozen years the three of us have been together.
With Bruce and the two kids, three
suddenly six.
Plus the Klingers is eight, and Father
McKay, he, and the guest is ten,
and you know who's is Is twelve.
Well, my service only serves eight.
All the couples can share.
I wonder if anyone would be offended
eating off of paper plates.
Paper plates are fine.
You wash and I'll burn.
The ones who get paper have good shares,
and the ones who get China will have vice versa.
Mother, you are the very spirit of
Thanksgiving.
Hold it.
Where's my damn partial?
It's in.
Oh.
Woman's been living with my mouth longer
than I have.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Thank you, Mrs. Potter.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Wow, we planted it.
Boy, something smells good.
Thanks, I just gave myself a Tony.
I made right.
Max said it's not traditional for this
holiday.
In my country, it's traditional for
everything to be perfect.
A little cushion between the Chestnut
dressing and the mince pie.
Well, have a seat and make yourself
homely.
Thanks for the invite, Colonel.
If I can't be home, this is sure the next
best day of my life.
Best place to be.
Well, that's the spirit.
Yeah.
They're probably gathering now back in
Toledo.
Everyone hugging.
Them breaking into fistfights over who
gets to sit where.
The yelling, you can't hear yourself think.
My Uncle Joe sneaking into the oven to get
a bite of Turkey.
My mother banging a pan on his head.
Colonel, do you mind if I use the phone?
There's a call I sort of want to make.
How about giving me a hand first?
There's still a few things to do before
dinner.
Yes, sir.
I'm here, not Toledo.
Let's start with a punch.
I'll mix.
And you remind me to add a little fruit
juice occasionally.
I can't believe all this food.
I hope there's enough.
Back in Korea, sometimes we're lucky just
to have a little dog with our ride.
Dog?
You didn't say dog.
Yes.
Oh, you poor thing.
It's not so bad.
Actually, dog is better than cat.
I dread to think that I wonder if my
husband ever ate a pet.
Could be.
Soldiers ate better than we did.
So, must be hard being a away from
your family on a day like Thanksgiving.
It is very hard for Max.
All week long he talks about Toledo.
Oh, our wayward children.
Well, tonight we're going to do everything
we can to make everybody feel at home.
Why don't we keep your rice warm?
By the way, what else is in it?
Oh, a little of this, a little of that.
Sounds delish.
That must be the kids.
How about this?
No.
Max, it's Soon-Lee Klinger.
I'd like you to meet my daughter, Evie.
I'm so glad to meet you.
Her husband, Bruce.
Bruce, how are you?
Little Evie.
Hey, Evie, is he sweet?
Klinger, this is my grandson, Cory.
Hey, Cory, I've heard a lot about you.
I've heard a lot about you, too.
I'll put the baby upstairs.
Bruce, how about this?
Cory, what's that growing out of your ear?
Whoa, it's a quarter.
Grandma finds half dollars.
Your grandma's got bigger mitts, boy.
I'll get it, I'll get it.
Hello there.
Grandpa, there's a man here who looks like
Howdy Doody.
Come on in, Padre, sorry.
It's quite all right, Chairman.
That's the first time I've ever been
mistaken for a celebrity.
Oh, nice camera.
Well, thank you.
They've started the photography class at
the hospital.
I'm just learning how to use it.
Sorry, Chairman.
Oh, this is the young fellow I told you I
was bringing today.
Dave Blass, your Ward 2D.
Hyperthyroid.
That's me.
I want to thank you for the invitation.
Hello, Father.
Hello there.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Pleasure, son.
Where are you from?
Peoria, Illinois.
My family couldn't make it here to see me.
It happens.
I wonder if I'd be over-imposing if I used
your telephone just to say hello to them,
pay you back when my disability check
comes in.
I wouldn't here, but upstairs bedroom,
don't wake the baby.
She's got a tooth and knows how to use it.
Thank you, sir.
How is the mood at the hospital, Padre?
I'm afraid it's a dreary, still life, Colonel.
Maybe I'll pop over and give them a
holiday goose, so to speak.
Sorry.
If I can find the place.
Colonel, mind if I use the phone now?
I'd love to talk to my relatives while
they're still talking to each other.
Sorry, son, someone beat you to it.
Why don't you take a stroll with me over
to General General?
The boys there are buffing the floor with
their chins.
Why not?
I got an idea how they feel.
Mildred.
Klinger and I are going over to the
hospital for a bit.
Oh, no surgery, dear.
We eat in an hour.
Right, one hour.
See you later, Padre.
Huh?
Yeah, right.
I hope I was smiling.
Hey, look, it's Bob Scannell.
Happy holidays, Sarge.
What are you doing out here, Bob?
Just dusting your rocker.
I was taking a little stroll, needed a rest.
I'll be gone in a day or two.
Any plans for Thanksgiving?
Don't think so.
What year is it?
You go inside, mention my name.
When I come back, if you're not knee-deep in cranberry
sauce, I'm gonna duck-walk you around the house.
About time you asked.
I was freezing my Fanny out here.
This is such a dull shot.
Let's shake things up.
Eddie, why don't you cradle little Cory in
your arms?
Yeah, that's it.
Now, Bruce, down on both knees in front of
them, adoring little Cory.
Are you serious?
Are you serious?
Work with me.
Divine!
Hold it!
Nobody move!
Goodies, everyone!
Come and get it!
We have some food here.
Keep going.
It's wonderful.
How do you do it?
Well, it does take a lot of work, but it's a load off
my mind knowing it's the same food every year.
Bruce and I would like to borrow $500.
Oh.
He has a chance to open one of those
coin-operated laundromats.
But $500, that's an awful lot of money.
It'll be the first one in the whole Great
River country, so our potential's unlimited.
You know, one of the beauties of having
your father home this year is that he's here.
I think you should save this for him.
What do you think he'll say?
I'm sure after you ask him, you'll have a
better indication.
Oh, some food, Mr. Scannell.
Thank you, ma'am, but everything you got here
will either clog me up or go through me like a bug.
Like a pneumatic tube.
Stuff's weaker than I am.
Why are you so old?
Wasn't my idea, Sonny.
Is Grandpa as old as you?
Nobody's as old as me.
But your Grandpa and me, we had some times
together.
Climb on up here, young fella.
Don't grab onto anything, it all breaks off.
I don't suppose your granddaddy ever told
you about the time in the Argonne when
four of us got trapped in a barn with the
Peralt sisters and their goat.
Oh, yeah, he told me.
Really?
Then what happened?
I don't remember.
Hold it.
Ah, age and youth, frozen in a second of
time.
You don't get this kind of fulfillment
bowling.
Mother said a few extra places.
The Pied Piper has returned.
Boys, follow your beats.
Just a few more, Mrs. Potter.
This is Bill and that's John.
John, let me have you.
All right.
Come on in.
Come on in.
Come on in.
Come on.
Unbelievable.
All that food and not a cash register in
sight.
I've died and gone to Howard Johnson.
I thought you weren't coming back alone.
And I had a hunch you wouldn't mind.
We got enough?
Oh, we'll get by.
But no dog.
Come again?
Tell me the truth, Sherman.
Did you ever eat any dogs in Korea?
Oh, no.
The locals would have the occasional rover
ragu, but we never saw any.
Of course, if the U.S.
Army served If the U.S.
Army served it, it would have been
powdered dog.
Promise me you'll never start.
You have my paw on it.
Any sign yet of the big surprise?
Not so far.
Whoa, son.
We got a lot of people to feed.
I know, sir.
That's why I'm eating so fast.
Hey, there.
Anybody home?
Oh, horse pucky.
Mr. G.S.
Lowe.
I was just passing by.
Wanted to wish you and yours a happy
Thanksgiving with this Whitman sampler.
It's the big box, the one with the
enclosed map.
That's the way I feel about you folks.
Oh, how sweet.
Do you have any plans for dinner?
This guy, he's probably expected at the
Truman's.
They owe me one, but not tonight.
This Thanksgiving has me over at the
Bowling Green Grill.
I'll be in my regular booth enjoying the
$1.98 special.
That includes, number one, your Turkey,
number two, your sweet potatoes.
Hold it.
Number three, your frothy ambrosia.
What are you serving?
Well, this year we're having Turkey,
Chestnut dressing.
But no ambrosia.
Aw, hex bells.
Who wants to spend Thanksgiving in an
expensive restaurant?
I'm yours, Spiffy.
I want to help out, though.
Do my part.
How about if I say a few words after
dinner?
About what?
Wouldn't hear of it, Mike.
You're such a hard worker.
Treat yourself tonight and try to relax.
Darn right.
For once, I'm going to think of me.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Happy Thanksgiving!
I must be crazy.
I only hope we have enough room.
Ooh, let him eat dog.
What was the score Friday night?
Oh, I don't know why Coach insists on
playing his kid at quarterback.
We got a couple of quads here who can
throw a ball better than him.
Well, good talking to you.
Put a little Mervin on.
Hey, buddy, it's been half an hour.
How about letting someone else run up a
bill?
I got important family business to tend
to.
I'll be off when I'm off.
Boy, if this wasn't Thanksgiving,
would I have a curse for you?
Mervin?
How are you, little cousin?
Did you get that hood ornament I made for
your wagon?
Max, I fixed you a plate.
Would you like one of these little meals?
I'm not really hungry.
Mrs. Potter says we must eat before we
eat.
I don't know why I even want to talk to
them.
They gave us such a rough time.
They never really accepted you,
so why do I bother?
Because they're my family, that's why.
How do you do?
Mike D'Angelo.
You look very familiar.
Maybe you've seen me in your hospital.
I've been there for 35 years.
Oh, of course.
You just look different with regular
furniture in the background.
Let's see more of you.
Look at this.
Coming.
Sherman.
Klinger, front and center.
Surprise!
Everyone, come meet my family, please.
This is my mom.
This is my pop.
My Aunt Nadia.
Oh, Cousin Jamini.
My Uncle Joe.
And my other Uncle Joe.
Oh, Mom.
Oh, enough kissing.
Enough kissing.
I smell fun.
Oh, Mickey.
I thought only two were coming.
I don't know where we're going to put them
all up.
It looks like you and I are finally going
to find out what happens in a motel.
Mrs. Klinger says that this is something
called kibbe.
Mmm, boy, that'll curl your colon.
Lamb, raw lamb.
My Lord.
Dog, raw lamb.
Sherman, I swear, if I were foreign,
I'd starve.
Mmm, raw something.
Hold it.
Oh, good one.
Hi, everybody.
Kind of tough being a bachelor on a day
like this, eh, Father?
Well, you pay your penny, you take your
ride.
Eight years.
Eight.
Yes?
That's how long Claire and I were married.
Eight years, January 25th.
Good years, special years.
Exciting years.
Growing years.
Warm years.
Learning years.
Magic years.
Eight years.
We were in college when we met.
I was very active on campus, hygiene
officer for the young Republicans,
thespian, but don't spread it around.
Claire was just a lowly honors student.
I took her under my wing, broadened her world
view, and I was rewarded with her delicate hand.
How romantic.
Before we knew it, it was over.
Oh?
She said, she'd fallen in love with
another man.
Even though she remarried quickly,
I'd never believed that.
I still think it was because, well,
frankly, Father, I was relieved of my
academic responsibilities in medical
school.
You flunked out.
My instructor felt I had too much to give
in other areas.
She was far-sighted enough to see the
wisdom of that.
By she, I mean her.
That's Claire.
Beautiful.
Oh, thank you.
Fabulous lighting.
Would you know what the exposure setting
was?
She was buying some material on Wilson's Five
and Dime the other day, and the clerk overcharges her.
Well, she spots it in a second.
The clown has the nerve to protest,
and she calls over the manager and shows
them on her abacus faster than he can ring
it up.
She ended up with a free yard.
I'll tell you, no door closing when you
got your ass in the door.
You got your foot in it.
Isn't she wonderful, Ma?
You have mother?
Yes, ma'am, I do.
Must be very terrible for her.
It's hard.
Not easy to be mother.
I'm lucky my boy, he come home well.
And then he goes away again.
So where is my luck?
Hit her in five minutes.
Could I help you bring anything out?
My lap is your lap.
Follow me.
What's wrong with your legs?
Coring.
No, no, let him be.
They don't work no more.
Why?
Because I took a bullet that hurt my
spine.
Wow.
Can you go faster than that?
Not right now.
I'll give you a push.
Okay.
Watching that little fella just turns my
bones to tapioca.
Bruce.
Hmm?
I think now would be the time.
Dad?
Son?
Evie?
Bruce?
Dad?
How much?
$500.
That's a lot of money.
You'll have it back in six months, tops.
$500.
We've got collateral.
The old Packard you bought us.
What's this for?
Laundromat.
Coin operated.
I'll think about it.
That's fair.
Sounds a little dicey.
But it's not.
Coins mean convenience.
Please think about it.
Hard not to.
We're in.
You think?
He was much tougher when we needed the
carpeting.
You know, the pile's starting to look a
little shabby.
Come and get it.
Gather round!
Gather round!
I'm gonna get a picture of this.
My first nude.
Oh, Father, will you give us a blessing?
I'll pull out all the stops.
I'm sorry, excuse me.
Stay here by your daddy.
I'll look after the little crumb grinder.
How do you feel?
Had an accident or two myself.
Dear Lord, we stand before you on this day
that you've set aside for us.
Well, not exactly you, but Congress.
To give thanks for the many blessings you
have bestowed, not the least of which is
being home once more, safe amongst our
friends and loved ones.
I know I speak for everyone when I say we
are eternally grateful.
Amen.
Oh, Mary and Pete, what's going on here?
Did I say I was finished?
Listen to your daddy.
To make green paint, you mix yellow and
blue.
Okay, precious.
Your Uncle Bob's here.
Are they serving dinner yet?
Can't you smell the Turkey?
Yeah, I can.
What's it like?
It's all right.
Kathleen, hold on.
I'll be right back.
Here.
It's self-explanatory.
It's all right.
It's all right.
It's all right.
Okay.
There you go, Uncle Joe.
What do you have?
A little white, a little dark, a little of each.
And save me the string.
It makes good sucking.
Father, you've been at General Pershing a
couple of months now.
What are your thoughts?
Well, the one thing I'd like to recommend
is a suggestion box.
Whatever for?
Over the river and through the woods To
Grandmama's house we go The horse knows
the way to carry the sleigh To the white
and empty snow Over the river and through
the woods To how the wind blows Walnut
cluster, take a right at Caramel Q,
hit the raspberry center turnpike, and
Home.
Mmm, I wish sex was this good.
Mrs. Potter, I consider myself somewhat
of a gourmand, dining as I have in St.
Louis, and I want to announce that I'm proud to
give your meal three and a half stars out of four.
Of course, points had to come off for the
paper plates.
Well, we make do with who we have.
One of these days I want to return the
favor, have you and the little mister over
to my modest lean-to, and
if Claire and I ever get back
together again, that's
exactly what we're going to do.
Fine meal, sir.
Thank you.
You're very welcome.
Have we met?
Yes, sir.
Dave Glass.
I came with Father Mulcahy.
Right.
Peoria, Illinois.
Have you been on the phone till now?
I just have to say my goodbyes and I'm
off.
Son, there's a limit to charity.
Person to person, it's ten minutes.
Don't worry, sir.
I'll do right by.
I'm darn good with my hands.
How about I build you a little crib for
your granddaughter?
How about you say hello to everybody for
me?
The joke was about me?
No, no, honey, about a farmer's daughter.
I am a farmer's daughter.
We came here today because we want you and
Soon-Lee to drive back home with us.
Mom, we've been dying for you to ask us
that.
There's lots of room in the Packard of
Joe.
Your dad and me will sit on the floor.
This place is nice, but it's not too little.
That you want me, that you want us,
is the greatest thing since peace.
But I can't go back.
I really can't.
Why not?
What you got here?
Right now?
Nothing.
Nothing?
Look, after Korea, I need to go back.
I needed a fresh start, a whole new life.
I think I found it here.
So yeah, maybe I got nothing.
But looking around me, I also got
everything.
Mama, he sounds happy.
He is happy.
Very happy.
Then you stay, my son.
With my daughter.
Hey, Father, you play anything that really
moves?
Max, let me put it this way.
Hold on to something.
Come on, Ma.
Let's show them why the Klingers were
always big.
Don't go away.
We'll be right back.
Sherman, you all right?
I think it was the kibby.
Want some bicarb?
No, tough it out.
Heavy and Bruce want to borrow 500.
Doesn't have to run.
That's the point.
When are we going to stop supporting our
independent children?
Truth.
Truth.
I hope never.
That goes for you, too.
Coin-operated laundromats.
Well, they used to say man would never
fly, either.
Pretty cold out.
Oh, you want my sweater?
I want your feet.
They're dancing in there.
You still remember out of shag?
Some things you never forget.
This is the best first Thanksgiving back
we've ever had.
Thank you.
Thank you.
To his name he forgets not his own.
Beside us to guide us, our God with us
joining, ordaining, maintaining his kingdom divine.
So from the beginning, the fight we were
winning, Thou Lord, what's our side?
Let the glory be thine.