Crap Happens (2026) s01e09 Episode Script

1
Am I happy?
Yeah. I am, yeah.
A few weeks ago I gave up my dream
of becoming a big-time rapper.
I moved back to Schitten
to focus on my family.
Best decision of my life.
What an adventure.
I've been doing some honest work…
Ow!
SCHITTEN-ON-HAVEL THEATER
…and finally spending
some quality time with my son.
Watch out, folks!
ASTEROID UP
Asteroid flying.
THE BEST DAD
(IN & AROUND SCHITTEN)
Schitten for life.
FERRES FOR SCHITTEN
What could be better than that?
Everyone smile!
Yep, I'm happy.
So happy.
I meant, happy with the new couch?
Oh right.
Yeah.
And what you're saying isn't even true.
You're not happy. We can all see that.
You were the only one
who didn't smile in the family picture.
I'm happy. Really.
Papa, it's so nice that you chose me,
but just admit it, will you?
Admit what?
That you miss rapping.
So Toni started thinking
about the past few weeks.
You're a piece of shit, Toni Fleischer!
Of course he missed rapping.
Toni missed rapping
more than anything else.
But he made a choice.
He chose Schitten, he chose Charly.
And he wanted to think it was all great.
I don't miss anything, okay?
- You--
- Don't miss anything.
Everything's great. My life's great.
Schitten's great. Great, great, great.
He hoped that by saying it
often enough, it'd eventually come true.
This is great.
I mean, I love it, this is great.
Great. Really great.
Quit hassling me!
Um…
I love the couch!
It's very nice.
Yup.
We need a solution for this.
I wanted my papa to choose me.
But that was wrong.
He's unhappy and he misses rapping.
And there's only one person
who can help him now.
This is Mr. Paule.
Toni's best friend.
Please, sir.
We're begging you to come
to the premiere of our school play
and give my papa one last chance.
No.
Charly…
close your eyes for a sec, please.
CRAP HAPPENS
News from Schitten
Advertisement.
Veronica Ferres presents…
the children of
the Veronica Ferres Comprehensive School.
Our Shining Sun.
One crew.
One mission.
Tonight.
The event that
everyone's been waiting for.
Armageddon.
Adapted and directed by…
…Mr. Paule.
Sponsored by Veronica Ferres.
SCHITTEN-ON-HAVEL THEATER
TODAY: ARMAGEDDON
TOMORROW: THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW
The day of the premiere was here.
SOLD OU
Careful under the asteroid.
One hour until showtime!
Not here, you idiots!
Preparations were in full swing.
Check this out.
This one moves the asteroid.
This one?
This makes it crash onto stage.
But we're not doing that,
because of Kevin's "accident."
Mr. Toni? Soundcheck time, okay?
Yeah.
And Toni did
what people in his family always did
whenever things got hard.
Toni! Toni! Toni!
Test, test.
- He buried his feelings.
- Microphone's ready.
But Charly was ready
to force him into happiness tonight.
All according to plan?
The elk is taking a leak.
What?
Well, yeah. All good, all good.
Okay, folks, gather round.
Listen up, everyone.
We're finally premiering.
Armageddon.
Adapted and directed by me.
Paule.
And it fills me with joy,
And with pride--
Can you not pick your nose, Claudi?
Sorry, Mr. Paule.
It's no big deal.
In the Middle Ages…
…actors who failed on stage
were tied up to horses
and ripped into pieces.
What I'm trying to say is…
not everything was bad back then.
Okay.
Let's open the doors.
Toni, head over to the control console.
And you…
have fun.
Oh…
I'm so proud.
Of me.
Break a leg, champ.
Where's Grandpa Johnny?
I mean, he said he wanted to come by
before the show starts.
Charly had good reason to worry.
The asparagus season was over,
but a person like Veronica Ferres would
never let a harvest cycle hold her back.
They've already harvested it all.
Not a single blue asparagus left?
So what's the Mayor's next move, then?
That's what I'm wondering too.
Okay. Nancy-Pants,
can you wonder a bit faster,
'cause we're running late for the play,
and Charly has a tip-top plan
for Toni actually, y'know?
I don't believe it.
Get outta here! Get lost!
Argh!
Those bastards.
Hello there.
Oh!
Apart from Johnny and Nancy,
all of Schitten was there.
Nance-mouse, it's me again.
Do you still love me?
Please call me back, I'm worried.
Everyone was there.
I say, with Dr. Snuts,
what you see is what you get.
Oh, sure.
I gave him 20 marks! Can you believe that?
What? That's almost 15 francs!
That's unbelievable.
Oh, Tropical Island?
- No.
- Here?
Well, Tropical Island changed my life.
Oh.
I have Tropical athlete's foot.
Have you seen Nancy? I can't reach her.
- Mm-mm.
- I'm Doris.
Hi, Doris.
As with every school play,
the audience expected nothing less
than groundbreaking entertainment.
Theater just sucks .
Yeah, man.
Actors yammering about feelings.
theater, feelings.
And the icing on the cake,
if things went according to Charly's plan,
would be Toni's performance.
But Toni himself didn't know
anything about that yet.
Woo…
Bang.
Baaang.
I am the Earth.
Aw.
Long ago, back when dinosaurs still roamed
the forests of this fertile planet…
- Stupid.
- So dumb.
…a chunk of rock…
almost ten kilometers in diameter
brought everything to an end.
Ouch!
Upon impact, it unleashed
the energy of 10,000 atomic bombs.
So many wonderful bombs.
It happened once,
and it will happen again.
There's just one question: when?
- When?
- The answer is…
now.
A massive asteroid
is barreling toward Earth.
Wow.
And once again, only a team
of American heroes can save the world.
All right, Mr. President.
So in short, you want me and my boys
to fly up to the asteroid,
drill a hole in it,
blow it up,
and save the whole goddamn planet?
Yeah.
Great.
So let's get to work. We have a lot to do.
Nancy, where are you?
Things are heating up here.
TOWN HALL
- That home-baked?
- Mm-hmm.
Way to go, Stefan.
Yeah.
You first.
Come here!
No, no!
Whiskey?
Looks like it.
Do you want a glass?
Uh… Oh, no, thank you.
When I drink,
I turn into a different person.
A really annoying person, don't ask.
Really, really annoying.
Let's cut to the chase, Johnny Carrera.
- Oh, okay.
- Those piss-drinking Berliners
are buying up all our asparagus.
We can't keep up with the orders.
I'm gonna have to start planting
on a large scale right away.
Uh-huh.
We tried growing it in the lab.
It didn't work, unfortunately.
Why does it make your urine odorless?
What's the secret behind this asparagus?
What do you do to it?!
Uh… I really don't know.
Goddammit.
I've tried everything.
I'm…
I'm a nervous wreck.
I'm… I'm terribly sorry.
But please don't cry, Mrs. Mayor.
Maybe this special asparagus
only grows on our special land.
And will you sell me
your special land, darling?
I feel honored…
erect, and really confused,
but sadly, I can't.
Fine.
So, kill him,
and we'll kick the family out.
Wow, that escalated quickly.
The whole town is at the theater anyway.
No one will hear him scream.
Where are you going, Mom?
I have to work.
Show my face, y'know.
Always work.
Never Sergej.
Aw, that breaks my heart. Don't you wanna
stay a little longer, please, for Sergej?
Please stay a little longer.
No.
I'm really sorry, Sergej.
Thank you, Melanie.
I'm so dead.
That was neat.
Please, please, please!
Back in the theater,
the wise words of Michael Bay
echoed from the stage.
Baby, do you think
anybody else in the world
is doing the exact same thing as us,
right this moment?
Yeah. Well, I hope so.
Otherwise what the hell
are we trying to save?
Dude, that's brilliant.
Seeing Sascha like that,
Charly felt happy for her
and Köbi for the first time.
And also a little embarrassed
that he had a thing for his cousin.
Who doesn't know the feeling?
Play for me, Ben Affleck.
Uh, yeah, okay.
I think they really like it.
Hello, it's me.
I'm here.
Dalia Müller-Müller?
Dr. Drehws? What the fuck?
Hey, you all set?
Dr. Drehws in the audience right now, bro.
- What?
- Yeah!
Why? What's he doing here?
- What a coincidence.
- Yeah.
- Go out there and rap for him.
- What?
Well, since he's here,
might as well go on stage and rap.
Are you nuts?
- Hey, stop!
- What?
Wait, this isn't a coincidence.
You did this, didn't you?
What? Nah. Nah.
Yeah, okay. Hear me out, Toni.
- I'm your friend.
- We haven't really--
Your very best friend. Shh.
I know you. You have a gift, man.
You belong on stage.
How'd you even make that happen?
Well, Charly and I went to the label
and asked him nicely. That's all.
- Really?
- Yuh-huh.
Wait… is he tied up?
What did you do, Paule?
Are you completely insane?
Things got out of control, Toni.
Stop!
Then we carried him, me and Dalia. Uh…
We rolled him up in a carpet,
held him hostage in my garage for a while,
then brought him here to the theater.
I laid into him pretty hard, man.
Paule?
- Not now!
- Paule!
How am I supposed to go on stage
and rap now? He hates my guts!
Toni!
Listen to me. You're gonna get out there
and rap like your life depends on it.
But I don't even want to do this!
I vouched for you, man.
I left my family in the lurch.
- I took a whole lot of debts for you.
- What?
That was edited out. Forget it.
The point is,
we believe in you.
I believe in you.
Toni,
your son did all this for you.
I wish I had a lovable son like Charly.
I'm standing right here, Papa.
I wanted you to hear that.
The kid's gonna be really tough.
You're in the way, you losers!
Sorry.
Lisa, crank up the lights, goddammit!
Shit, shit, shit.
A battle of emotions raged in Toni's head.
Confusion, stress, a touch of hunger,
worry about his son's criminal tendencies…
He was completely overwhelmed.
But that wasn't
the only battle going on right now.
Ahh!
Sergej, listen.
You don't have to kill me
just because your mom wants it.
You're your own person.
You are Sergej Ferres.
Mama doesn't let me use her name.
Okay, what is it then?
Sergej?
Yes, but I mean your last name.
Licious.
Sergej Licious?
Yeah.
Sergej Licious? Really?
Wow.
I admire her three-decade,
two-continent spanning film career,
but Veronica Ferres is freaking insane.
Ahh! No, no, no!
The evening was spiraling out of control.
Thank you.
Completely.
Nearly missed the crown jewels, buddy!
Toni was at his wit's end,
thinking things couldn't
possibly get any weirder.
Until…
I could stay awake
Just to hear you breathing
…Paule showed up.
Watch you smile while you are sleepin'
While you're far away and dreamin'
I could spend my life
In this sweet surrender
I could stay lost
In this moment… forever
Where every moment spent with you
Is a moment I treasure
I don't wanna close my eyes
I don't wanna fall asleep
'Cause I'd miss you, babe
And I don't wanna miss a thing
'Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dreams would never do
I'd still miss you, baby
And I don't wanna miss a thing
So… much… pain.
I don't wanna miss a thing…
Huh…
Am I dead?
Not yet.
Wera!
You cannot give up yet, Johnny Carrera.
Why not? I want to join you, honey.
Drink, Johnny. Drink!
Drink.
I guess I drew the shortest straw,
so I'm staying behind. To save the world!
Take care of my little Grace.
Go marry her!
Okay!
Ow!
Toni, do you hear me? On my signal,
you come out and start rapping. Okay?
Ugh!
Drink.
Ooh, whiskey.
The reason Johnny Carrera doesn't drink
is because alcohol actually
turns him into a different person.
"Johnny Liquor."
Bunga-Bunga, chubby cheeks.
A corny one-liner machine.
Choo-Choo! All aboard the Amtrak
Beer Shits. Next stop, Boozeville!
An antiquated bully.
So, I'm about
to rearrange your teeth, sucka.
And a brutal fighter.
Time to die, fucker.
Melanie!
Oh yeah! Thanks, honey.
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Ahh!
YOU, VOTE FOR FERRES
All the fighting has
reduced the alcohol in my blood.
I need to keep drinking
or I won't be able to fight!
I need whiskey to survive.
Oh… Oh no!
Ow!
I was the one who called
about the duck in the tree.
24-hour towing service, Fleischer.
A duck is stuck in a tree.
You monster.
No, no, no, no, no!
Not the middle finger of death.
My sensei says it's forbidden.
As Johnny's life flashed before his eyes…
…Toni thought about what
the rest of his life should look like.
This is Harry Stamper.
A certain person's gotta come on stage
before I complete my mission.
A person who hasn't always
been nice to their son.
But this person
has learned their lesson tonight.
I've been an awful mother!
No.
Uh, nope, no, no.
I knew you loved me deep down, Papa.
Shut it, Kevin!
I actually mean…
- Toni.
- Toni's mind was racing.
If he goes out there now
and raps, and it works,
he'll lose Charly because
Charly and rap can't work.
But if he doesn't go out,
he'll never be happy because
Toni without rap doesn't work either.
Shh!
What are you supposed to rap
for a tied-up record label boss?
Come on, what are you doing?
- Ugh, it's too much pressure!
- Just keep acting.
Ah, Toni has to come on stage and rap.
Cut that out!
Or Harry Stamper will be done for good.
Hey!
Get your hands off my Papa.
Aww!
Whoa!
SCHITTEN-ON-HAVEL
Ahh!
Well, guess you could say
he got stamped out.
- Shut it, Johnny.
- Okay.
Wait, you were tied up, right?
How did you free yourself?
I've been married 20 years.
I'm an expert in bondage.
Sergej, you're right.
Your mother should be with you when you…
Goddammit.
You'll never take me alive.
Huh!
What a graceful way to make an exit.
- We have to follow her.
- Can't we do that later?
If we hurry, we might make it in time
to catch the finale at the theater.
Sounds good.
Ahh! Ugh!
- Come on, Toni.
- You're scaring the children!
- Shit.
- In that moment,
Charly and Toni operated
like father and son for the first time.
Papa?
Telepathically.
Papa?
Huso? That you?
What?
No, it's Charly. Who's Huso?
Uh… Never mind.
How can I hear your thoughts?
Communicating telepathically.
- Wow, really? Cool.
- Mm-hmm.
Okay, first of all, you're grounded
for kidnapping a record label boss.
Yeah, okay. Okay.
Now get out there and rap.
But what do we do if I make it
and my career takes off?
What about us?
- I won't have any time.
- I know.
It'll be fucking exhausting.
Papa, we'll figure it out together.
Grandma likes the idea too.
Do something right for once, kid.
Go out there and rap.
Uh…
Hello.
Uh, aw yeah, straight outta Schitten
They said I'd never make it
With the rhymes that I've written
On the microphone
Escaping where I'm from
And then that's when
The fame and money would come
And yet I thought
My life was much harder
But nothing could prepare me
For being a father
Can you understand the plight
Of becoming a parent overnight?
Without a game plan
How could I do this?
My stepfather is younger than me
I insist
A real kooky dude
Sick motherfucker
You might call him a schmuck
But me, I call him Papa
Take care of others
Is what you gotta do
But living for myself
Was all that I knew
It's like, on this planet
Is where I landed
Orbiting around myself, goddammit
All I wanted was to fend for myself
I wouldn't listen to no one else
We're all alone together
The human race
On this lonely trip
Through outer space
FENCE PAIN
5 LITERS
On this lonely trip
Through outer space
I used to think
Schitten was really a dump
Until I realized it's the people
That makes my heart pump
Paule, you're the biggest
Clown in town
But truth is
You're the best friend that I've found
Karo, your next wedding
I'll be rapping a song
And Kaia, soon we'll be
Blowing shit up with your bombs
We got it covered
The policeman's my sis
Nancy's the best
Fleischers never snitch
And Jörg, my brother-in-law
I'm now admitting
You're the number one
Best dentist in Schitten
And I miss her
Although Mama is gone
But her nagging and bitching ghost
Still carries on
Gyeah, from Schitten I tried to flee
'Cause I left Schitten
Schitten never left me
Who'd have thought
That I could ever be a dad
So on your feet, Schitten
Let's give Charly a hand
All I wanted was to fend for myself
I wouldn't listen to no one else
We're all alone together
The human race
On this lonely trip
Through outer space
On this lonely trip
Through outer space
Wow.
Bravo!
Yeah!
Yeah, man!
Woo-hoo! Hell yeah!
Everyone cheered for Toni.
The entire town, and his family.
Toni! Toni! Toni!
Family.
My family.
My family is dead.
Because of Toni!
Toni!
Time for revenge.
Shit.
Whoa, what?
Shit!
Papa?
Papa.
Papa.
Teddy Bear!
Huh…
What a perfect evening.
And we owe all of it to only one person.
- Paule.
- What?
Paule. That play was wonderful.
Uh… Thank you?
I mean, you directed it,
acted in it, you sang.
The genius of Schitten.
Paule.
Paule, Paule, Paule!
- Paule!
- Hello…
Hello…
Hello, guys, can I just…
Oh yes, of course.
Best friend.
- Dr. Drehws…
- Mm-hmm?
Did I pull it off?
Of course.
I'll see you Monday in the studio.
Okay. Let's go to the junkyard, y'all.
Let's find to blow up!
All right!
Well, you did it.
I'm proud of you, Dad.
Thank you.
For everything.
Sorry.
- It's okay.
- Sorry, sorry.
It's good, it's good.
Let's get you home now, champ.
Don't call me that.
That should do it.
Yep, that's how the story ended.
After that, it was
your typical "ever after."
Toni was successful,
had a great time with Charly,
lived a long life, had 30 or so grandkids,
did a lot for
the duck population in Brandenburg.
You know, just good stuff all around.
As president of the Toni Fleischer
Foundation for Waterbirds
and the German Rap Monuments,
I'd like to thank you for your attention.
Take care of yourselves.
Call your parents. Be kind.
Tupac out.
Um…
Oh shit.
Shit, shit. Shit, shit, shit!
Oh…
Giving my mom some dick?
Well, truth be told
You're too late, my mom's dead
Her freaking body is cold
So maybe find someone else
To ride your dick
I just got the call
With strikes of lightning she was hit
That's why them jokes ain't rich
But Svenni's right
I'm a fat, useless bitch
I always thought that
One day I'd be Tupac
But nowadays
Everyone's encouraging me to stop
I left my small town
To prove that I'm an innovator
It turns out I'm just
A corny, phony imitator
When I was young and fresh
I used to spit the nicest
I guess I paid the prices
Going through midlife crisis
Now we're here again
Rapping at some world-weary kid
Myriad of raps
Although he's never had his period
My whole life I just knew
That I was gonna blow
But when you watch your life go by
That ain't the way it goes
All my life I knew
I'd be a master rapper
But my resume just says
that I make pizza faster
Believe in me?
Not even my moms
Ashamed for 10 years
I never went home
Shit, man
Mom gave it to me straight
There was no way I would ever make it
With the rhymes that I create
But I'm still on it
Realizing that I'm a pawn
Dime a dozen, chasing a bullshit dream
Until time is gone
Fuck it
'Cause it's too late for that, y'all
I think I should just leave it all