DMV (2025) s01e09 Episode Script

1
Happy Holidays from the DMV.
The most wonderful time
of the year.
Mm. And maybe, just maybe
the spirit of the season
will lift
everyone up.
No way.
Ah, Noa's doing okay.
I heard he and Mary broke up.
He's finally single, huh?
Think our girl Colette knows?
A-dashing through the snow ♪
In a one-horse open sleigh,
hey, hey ♪
O'er the fields we go, hi ♪
Laughing all the way,
good sirs ♪
Laughing all the way ♪
-I'll let her know.
-Ha, ha, ha.
-Yeah.
-Good morning. Bye!
Oh, excuse me.
Hey, Colette.
-How's it going?
-Hey
No, no, no.
No sympathetic "heys," please.
I'm totally fine,
-and I wish Mary well.
-Oh.
-Oh, that's great. Awesome.
-Yeah. Thank you.
Season's D-M-Veetings.
Who's ready for their
holiday bonus?
-Me.
-Yeah. Of course.
I went all Oprah and put them
underneath your seat.
Oh.
Mine's missing cash. It's just
a photo of a death cult.
I also sent one
to Ray Henderson.
The director of
the California DMV.
So he can open it
at the DMV holiday party
at the Airport Harrington Suites
Sacramento.
So you think this guy Ray
is gonna put this card
on the non-denominational
holiday tree?
The best branch
on the best branch.
It'll be harder for Ray
to shut us down
if he can put a face
to the name.
That's why I named all the cows
on my uncle's farm,
so he couldn't slaughter them.
Aw, you saved them.
Till Burgerfest.
Then he made me fire
a captive bolt pistol
straight to Buttercup's skull.
-Ooh.
-Oh, my God.
Okay. Let's go get 'em, team.
Come on.
Ho, ho, ho.
Oh, man. My buddy Kevin,
he just sent me a photo
of a fish with two heads.
You got to love that guy.
You know, my chair
no longer upsets me
because my buddy Kev is
working on a replacement.
Yeah.
Well, I am going
to go do an exam.
-Ah.
-If the car has reindeer antlers,
I'll be back really soon.
Wait, how is "Kevin"
texting Gregg?
Isn't he the helpline guy that
turned out to be an AI chatbot?
Because, as of a week ago, Kevin
-stopped answering the phone.
-Oh.
And then Gregg got super sad
because he thought
his new bestie was ghosting him.
Poor Greggy.
I know. I felt terrible,
so I did the only thing I could.
You told him Kevin's not real.
I bought a burner and
started texting him as Kevin.
What's, uh,
what's the endgame here?
Just pretend to be Kevin
for the rest of your life?
For the rest of Gregg's life.
-Oh.
-Oh, and speaking
of things that are dead,
how's about Noa and Mary?
Thought you'd be
straddling his cubicle by now.
No, I'm just
We're taking it slow.
I'm gonna keep
giving him driving lessons,
and just, uh, let our connection
develop naturally, you know.
Mm. Great plan,
if you're trying to bag
an ugly person.
Hotties like Noa and I
don't last long.
Yeah, he's on the market
three days tops
before the thirsties
come a-slurpin'.
Vic, I wish that you would
give women a little more credit.
Uh-oh.
-Window's already closing.
-No, it's not. Stop.
Yup, the thirsties
have come to slurp.
-Gregg, Gregg, Gregg.
-Hmm?
Say you're suddenly single,
and you look like Noa, how long
-do you wait
-20 minutes.
Okay, yeah, I got
I got to move fast.
-Mm.
-'Cause we had
a real spark, Gregg.
I-I felt it, I know he felt it.
And then, if Mary
hadn't have come along,
that spark would've
turned into a fire.
-Fire at a DMV? Count me in.
-That's just the thing, you know.
It's really hard
to get alone time
-with him here at work.
-Yeah.
But if you set this place
on fire
The post office
pooped in our stocking.
They sent our card back.
Oh.
Ray Henderson was
supposed to open this
during the holiday party
in Sacramento.
It was the key
to our whole salvation.
Wait, how far is Sacramento?
Six hours by car.
A lifetime by career.
Six-hour car ride.
Music. Conversation.
Mm.
Great idea to drive
Barb's card up.
And it's good practice
for my driving test.
A-Are you sure you're free
to be my licensed driver?
-I could make it work.
-Okay. All right.
-Sacramento, here we come.
-Where are you two going?
Without me and my famous
pimento sandwiches.
Hit the gas. Hit the gas.
Hit the gas. We got to go.
Well, now I can give
Ray Henderson the card,
and the five of us can go
to the corporate holiday party.
-Five of us?
-I can't wait to see
Kevin's face when we get
to Big Sac's party.
Uh, but, uh,
what if he's not there?
Shouldn't you text him
-to be sure?
-Oh, no. He told me last week
he's gonna moon everybody
at the holiday party.
This dude sounds hilarious.
Oh, wait.
Vic, why are you so clever?
All right, Colette,
move your duff.
I got to sit in the cockpit or
I get carsick something fierce.
Hey, Barb. Barbershop quartet.
Care to swap? Want to stretch
those gammy gams?
Already? It's only been
three hours.
Yo, Gregger.
Get any, uh, texts recently?
Like, maybe Kevin had
a medical event and can't make
the DMV party? Or
Are you crazy?
Tanya tracks my phone.
I left it at the DMV.
-I'm screwed.
-You are?
The whole point of this was
to have alone time with Noa.
Now, half the DMV is in the van.
Dodo bird, we're in a van.
Going to a party.
You think paratroopers
enjoy the plane ride? No.
It's when they hit the ground
and start
killing people.
That's when the fun begins.
Okay, you're right.
About the party,
not the killing. But, yeah,
atmosphere, drinks,
we, like, dance
to the perfect song. That's how,
that's how
we'll rekindle our spark.
You're gonna wear women's
clothes to the party, right?
Mm?
Hey, Noa.
Would you pull over
to that mall? I got to tinkle.
Sure. Exiting Blinker.
Oh, whoa!
Whoa! Oh, my God.
-It was a surprise Corolla.
-Oh, my God.
-This is a long pee.
-Women, am I right?
Waiting in line for a stall.
It's, like, hello,
squat in the urinal.
Oh, wow.
Wow, watch me work it out,
watch me ♪
Break it down like ♪
It's what they talking 'bout ♪
How you like me now? ♪
Wow ♪
How you like me now? ♪
-Oh.
-Sorry.
-What is this mess?
-Recover. Get up.
I'm good.
I'm good. If I'm going to
the Big Sac holiday party,
I'm bringing corporate fire.
-And it's Christmas.
-Oh.
We splurged.
Colette, you look so glamorous.
It was nothing.
There was a sale.
What? No, there wasn't.
You maxed out two credit cards
'cause you
Go, go, Sacramento.
Huh? I'm in the front.
Silent night, holy night ♪
Welcome to the Sac.
All is calm,
all is bright ♪
Okay, team. You need to help me
find Ray Henderson.
What does he look like again?
White man, 50s, graying hair.
Seems like he would stick out
in a room full of executives.
Hey, anyone want a drink?
Yes. Oh, my God, yes.
Could I have a, uh, eggnog?
-Okay. Coming up.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The window's closing.
I'm gonna go talk to the DJ.
Hey, Barb, you nervous?
I have bubble guts.
-Oh.
-I'm gonna be shaking hands
with Ray Henderson. Paw to paw.
Well, you just need
to have confidence
and a nice, firm handshake.
You want to practice
what you're gonna say to him?
Uh
Director Henderson.
I'm Boob. Ah. Damn it.
-Yikes.
-You seem like you got that dialed in.
I'm gonna look and see
if I can find Kevin.
Not if I find him first. Uh
Time to bring in the big dogs.
Dear Santa, I have been
a very good Barb this year.
And I know I asked
for a Hoverboard 3000,
but what I really want
is a Hoverboard 3000
and to know where Ray Henderson
is as, like, one present.
Ray Henderson?
He's the big guy
over there in the suit.
Of course.
Thank you.
Thank you, real Santa.
"Gurd" evening.
Would you like to get in
on the DMV charity raffle?
This year, we're "Putting
the Brakes on Lupus." Ah!
Back it up, lupus.
Beep. Beep.
Uh, no, I already donated.
No, you haven't. No one has.
Uh, great. Hey, do you know
this guy named Kevin?
He works here.
Employee services.
Really nice guy.
He loves fishing.
He may have mooned everyone.
Holy night.
I think I would've
remembered that.
-Do he have a last name?
-Oh, uh
-Actually, I don't know.
-Let me check
my DMV directory.
Okay, I see
what's happening here.
You're the directory.
-Ooh, overshot. Those are the Qs.
-Uh-oh.
You're not looking
for a Quevin, are you?
-No.
-Well, what's his extension?
Uh, 7576. I do remember that.
7576 is our automated helpline.
There has to be a Kevin.
I talk to a Kevin.
Oh, Kevin is a AI chatbot.
But, uh, we went
with a cheaper contractor,
so the voices sound different.
Huh.
Theresa!
I know you want to put
the brakes on lupus.
Don't your cousin got it?
How did Kevin text me?
Gregg, I found him.
I'm Kevin.
I have a cold if my voice
sounds different to you.
Sounds good to me.
No, it was a good idea
to practice my driving.
Well, you know what's
therapeutic after a long drive?
-Stretching your legs on, say, a dance floor.
-Oh.
You and me dancing.
Yeah, why not?
-Yeah? Let's go. Let's hit it.
-Good idea.
-Yeah.
-All right.
Oh.
Does my breath smell
like pimento?
Just candy canes.
Good. I had ten of them.
Cleared out the mini tree.
-Ah.
-Time to take a run at Ray Henderson.
Good, good. Over there
somewhere. Thanks, Barb.
Ho, ho, hold on.
Oh, my God.
If I guess your name,
you have to donate to lupus.
-What? What?
-How about that?
No clues, no clues.
I'm really good at this.
Bobby Ann. Susan.
-No. -No.
-You don't look like
-an Amanda. -No.
-What's going on?
-Ruth.
-Colette.
No, no. I'm Sally.
-Oh.
-Just give me a second.
-I feel like I'm close.
-You know what, Sally?
-I'm just gonna Yup, yup, yeah.
-Yes.
Please find a cure.
Appreciate it. Yeah, yeah.
Okay.
Feliz Navidad!
Wow, Kevin. I was starting to
think you didn't actually exist.
I'm Kevin. I like fishing,
the Dodgers, and and
growing up in a predominantly
white neighborhood.
Yeah, that's great, Kevin.
You know,
the party's about to end,
aren't you gonna moon everybody?
I don't know what sick game
y'all two are playing, but
it ought to pay more
than 20 bucks. I'm out.
Can I get my 20 back, man?
You knew Kevin was a computer,
and you kept it up
just to mess with me.
Honestly, bro, I wasn't trying
to mess with you.
You were just so happy.
I didn't want that to end.
Yeah? Well, you're in luck.
'Cause I'm thrilled.
You are?
Oh, that was sarcastic.
Getting cold,
let's get out of the snow ♪
Kiss under the mistletoe ♪
I'm so excited ♪
And I know I wonder ♪
-What a beat.
-Yeah.
I'm wishing you
a Merry Christmas ♪
Yeah.
Merry Christmas ♪
Ah, I'm wishing you
a merry Christmas ♪
What's going on?
I'm sorry. E-Every time
I hear "Merry Christmas,"
I just hear
I hear "Mary Christmas,"
-so, um
-Oh, yeah.
-I can't get her out of my head.
-Yeah, yeah.
-Mary
-Uh, it's just that they're different words, so
-Just think of it like that.
-I think I need a minute.
Mm.
Should've gone with "Back That
Azz Up" like the DJ suggested.
Director Henderson!
Barbara Berry.
Manager, East Hollywood DMV.
Oh, roast my chestnuts!
Mr. Henderson.
-Hey, there.
-Hey.
Um, what was all that commotion?
-I heard someone ask for a chainsaw?
-Oh.
Yeah, Barb delivered our card.
-Ah.
-Yeah.
So you're not okay?
We Sorry. We don't
have to talk about it.
No, no, it's just
-Mary pissed me off.
-Oh.
Well, she casually says that
she's planning a surfing trip
to Mexico.
-That's not so bad.
-With her ex.
For a month.
-Oof. Yikes.
-Yeah.
-What'd you say?
-Well, I said,
"You can do whatever
you want," and
and we haven't spoken since.
Mm.
Hey, um
Look, I-I'm being a bummer.
You go have fun.
Okay, I'm gonna, I'm gonna
give you some advice
that I never seem able
to take myself,
but you should tell Mary
how you feel,
or else it will
-Mm.
-it'll eat at you.
Yeah.
Guess I could send her a text
just laying it all out.
I could
You should do that.
Yeah, yeah, okay.
Okay. Let's do this.
"Dear Mary"
Comma, space, space.
-"This is Noa."
-Yeah, boy, she knows who you are.
-Y Yeah.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-So, we can, we can start again.
-Okay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Get rid of that. Oy.
Hey, man.
I'm not talking to you.
Or Kevin.
-You know there's not a real
-I know.
Jingle bells,
jingle all the way ♪
Listen, I'm really sorry, bro.
It's just,
I know how bad it sucks
to find out
a relationship is fake.
I had this foster dad, Dave.
He was super cool,
and then, one day,
he dumped me for these twins.
Just to get the extra
caretaker check.
I mean, they were
definitely an upgrade.
I broke his guitar and set
the curtains on fire and stuff.
All that being said
still hurt.
I'm sorry, man.
I didn't know that.
I guess I'm not
really mad at you.
I'm actually mad at the DMV.
They don't care about me.
They don't care about any of us.
They don't even care
about their robots.
They probably sold Kevin
for parts by now.
You really don't get
what AI is, do you?
No, I don't.
Mm?
-Mmm.
-Mmm.
Barkeep, you got any antacids?
Out jumps good old
Santa Claus ♪
Don't go fishing for the lime
'cause I ate 'em all.
-What's your gas, sass?
-Came up here
to give the director a holiday
card to save our branch,
wound up tackling him
into the tree.
Been there.
Now, East Hollywood
could be shut down
because I'm a terrible manager.
Don't worry about it.
Ray is not gonna remember that.
He gets blackout drunk
every year at this party.
You'll tarnish his image.
Girl, I am his snack queen
and his e-mail machine.
Uh, aka executive assistant.
Wait.
You work with
Director Henderson?
Here? In Big Sac?
That is the dream.
You're a manager in Hollywood.
EastHo, NoHo. Honestly,
I love all the Hos. Sally Sloan.
Barb Berry.
Nice equipment.
Thank you.
It's cool you came, Barb.
Unlike the other Hos,
you put a face to the name.
Makes it harder
to close you down. ♪
Mm.
This is a fine branch you got.
How about I take it
to the bathroom
and bake it
under the hand dryer,
and then, I can give it to Ray
when he sobers up?
That would be amazing.
Hey, Sally, you dropped
your antler hat.
Oh, thank you.
Nice rack.
I got the same set.
Well, mine's a Blitzen.
Of course, 'cause Blitzen
-does all the hard work
-Yes.
while old red nose
Takes all the credit.
Oh, you are great.
-So, send?
-Yeah.
It's a good text.
You did It's, like, perfect.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Do I have something in my nose?
Your no No, no.
No, you don't. I just,
I think that you're
You're
You're great.
You know, you're
you're Colette.
Yeah.
One, two, three, four ♪
Phone away.
You and me. Let's dance.
Okay. Sorry.
I was afraid for so long ♪
Breaking hearts
till the break of dawn ♪
Had in my hand
a guitar and a song ♪
Then I found ya,
and boy, I was so wrong ♪
'Cause your sweet love ♪
It's got a hold
on me now, yeah ♪
And I ain't never
gonna let you go, no, no ♪
Your sweet love,
it's got a hold on me now ♪
And I ain't never
gonna let you go, no ♪
Do I need saving? ♪
Are you the savior
sent to set me free from all ♪
My misbehaviors? ♪
Who would've guessed
that I'd be ♪
There ain't no heaven
like the weight of my heart ♪
"Said," Your sweet love's ♪
"Got a hold on me now, yeah ♪
And I ain't never
gonna let you go." ♪
After meeting Sally,
I think our branch is safe.
-Mm.
-As long as we don't cause any headaches.
How is 12 hours in a van
better on my back
than the dumb desk chair?
Want me to karate kick you
in the back?
Hmm.
No. You know what?
-I got a better idea.
-Hmm?
I'm gonna sue the DMV.
Have a nice weekend, Barb.
You too, Gregg McMuffin.
-Bye, Vickles.
-See you.
I'll see you Monday.
-Yeah, I'll see you Monday.
-Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey, I was wondering, um,
when you said that you
don't take your own advice
about telling people
how you feel
what did, what did
you mean by that?
Okay, well, um
It's Mary.
Hey.
-Hey, Colette.
-Hey.
Sorry, um, you're still
sharing your location,
-so, um
-Yeah.
I don't want to go to Mexico.
It was a plan from before we
met, and I was gonna cancel,
but you didn't seem
to care about it,
and then I got your text,
and now I know how you feel,
so I just
I want to be with you.
Hey.
I-I
I want to be with you, too.
I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.
-It's okay.
-Okay?
Yeah.
Hey, one second.
-Is that?
-Yeah.
Um, sorry,
what were you gonna say?
Are you kidding?
Who cares?
-Okay. Yeah.
-You got your girl back.
-Get out of here.
-All right.
I'll-I'll see you Monday.
Maybe I'll catch you
at the next window.
Hey, guys, I found this
in the, uh, lost and found.
Anyone up for some
breakfast champagne?
Sorry, uh, breakfast,
uh, "carbonated wine product."
You do know it's 6:00 a.m.?
-Mm-hmm.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah, but
it beats going home to Tanya.
If one of us gets morning drunk,
all of us gets morning drunk.
-Yeah?
-Let's pop that sucker.
Great.
To old friends
and new beginnings.
Yes.
Nope.
-Not in the face.
-Ooh.
-Ooh!
-Oh!
Holy
Mmm
It's revolting.
and TOYOTA.
Captioned by Media Access