Everybody Still Hates Chris (2024) s01e09 Episode Script

1
In the '80s,
my number one rule
was to avoid bullies
at all costs.
I avoided them at home.
- Hey!
- Chris did it.
Mama, get your belt.
I avoided bullies
on the block.
Yo, let me hold a dollar.
I'm gonna jaywalk.
And I definitely tried
to avoid the bullies
at school.
Whoa, look, it's Rick Lames.
Eep.
So when a new freshman
who bullied like a senior
showed up, I was ready.
Yo, bitch.
Black power.
Aww, my maternity muumuu.
I guess the last time I packed
for a trip was when
I gave birth to Tonya.
How are you going
on a work trip?
I thought you were gonna get
severance money
to buy me singing lessons
for the spring musical.
I am, sweetie.
Mama's working really hard
to get laid off.
But yesterday
my boss announced
an all-expense-paid
corporate retreat
Aka a free vacation.
So that severance plan
is on hold.
Aww, I think this is
Tonya's umbilical cord.
Are you sure you wanna go
on vacation without us?
We're your whole world.
The retreat's in Philly,
right by the factory
where they make
my chocolate turtles.
Now while I'm gone, if you two
don't know what to make
for dinner, tell Chris.
If you stub your toe,
tell Chris.
And if you can't find Chris,
tell Chris.
Rochelle, I can handle it.
You won't have
to worry about a thing,
except these items I want you
to borrow.
Hotel towels, hotel pillows,
a hotel robe?
What?
I wanna look like
Michael Douglas
in "Wall Street."
And that's why I think Picard
and Dr. Pulaski had an affair.
Whoa.
I respect Chris now.
Ooh, Chris, you'd
be the perfect candidate
to wicka-wicka-wicka DJ
the school dance.
- Why? Because I'm Black?
- Because you're Black.
If you're gonna DJ,
can I be your hype boy?
It's hype man.
Whatever it's called,
I'm doing it.
It's called
cultural appropriation, bitch.
Hotel bath towel.
Hotel toilet.
Mmm.
- Daddy?
My throat hurts.
Can we go to the doctor?
The doctor?
Doctors don't listen to people
like us.
I was delivering a package
to the Bronx Zoo,
and guess who signed for it?
Yep, that's serious.
Look alive!
Code White! Code White!
But don't worry, I got you.
I can't lose my voice.
Tryouts for the musical
are next week.
Can we call Mama?
We don't need your mama.
We got the holy trinity
of home remedies:
steam
Vapor rub
She looked shinier
than Lil Nas X.
Ew.
And some hot 'tussin.
Why're you mixing it
with water?
Mo' water, mo' tussin.
Chris!
Thank God.
I'm sick.
Just pour some 'tussin on it.
You'll be fine.
Disco? Elevator polka?
Eartha Kitt and Don Holt
debate cold war strategy?
Dad, what happened
to all your good vinyl?
I sold 'em
to fix the fridge.
Would you rather
have rotten food?
Yes.
Are you sure
I can't be your hype boy?
Why do I need a hype boy?
DJs are so popular
these days,
they all get trampled
by their fans.
Sad news today
from "Da Club,"
where a DJ has been trampled
because his beats were,
reports say, too funkalicious.
I could protect you
through hype.
Do you even know
what "Hype" means?
When I say, "Hey,"
you say, "Ho."
Hey.
all: Ho.
Hey.
all: Ho.
When I say, "Chris is on,"
you say, "Welfare."
Chris is on--
all: Welfare.
Chris is on--
all: Welfare!
She's very good.
Nope.
Wait, where are you going?
It's not worth it.
That's what I shoulda said
before I went
and got stranded
at Burning Man.
You got records?
I was so used
to being bullied,
I assumed he wanted
to bully me too.
If you want 'em,
you can have 'em.
What do you know
about DeeDee BigBalls
and the Glitter Boys?
I wanna hire you.
- What?
I need a DJ for a small party
I'm throwing.
Me, DJ an actual party?
You clearly don't know
who I am.
Marcus pays cash money, honey.
Who's Marcus?
Keep up, kid. Me.
So you'll do it?
Well, Chris does like cash.
Great.
It's hard to find
a DJ these days.
All the good ones get trampled.
Feeling better, sweet pea?
Uh, hello?
- Hi, baby.
- Hi, you.
That's my father's
I-done-effed-up voice.
So how are my babies?
Do you need me to come home?
No, I'm not.
What the?
- I just wanted soup.
- Ugh!
All I need is hotel towels
and tiny shampoos.
And a nightstand,
if it fits in your purse.
Okay? Well, love you.
Bye.
No daughter of mine's
gonna be a background tree.
Hi, I think my daughter's
tonsils might need to be take--
Any bleedouts, heart attacks,
or tramplings during a DJ set?
- No, but--
- Then take a number.
A-18.
Thank God.
I thought I was gonna--
Uh.
All right, kid.
Are you ready?
You're up.
- Marcus?
Marcus doesn't exist here, honey.
Only Titney Houston,
choreographer/singer/model.
And, of course,
the legendary mother
of the House of Houston.
Who's Titney?
Oh, girl, keep up.
Me!
Now get this party going.
And don't [bleep] it up,
or I'll trample you myself.
Huh?
Yes!
I knew you would fit right in.
I always thought
heaven would be filled
with big boobs,
heels, and hairspray.
And it was.
Hi, sorry.
These pancakes are burned.
Oh, you don't like 'em?
All good.
You did the damn thing
tonight, Chris.
You brought
the O-P-U-L-E-N-C-E,
opulence, to that party, henny.
You owned everyone.
Impressive
for a straight boy.
Thanks.
There's more
where this came from
if you DJ for us tomorrow.
It's Mother's first time
hosting a ball.
Wouldn't miss it.
Sounds way more fun
than not DJing my school dance.
Oh, wow.
Look, girls.
Jam Master Gay
found his people.
And what's wrong with you?
You going through
some psychological change
in your life?
Yeah,
with those tacky clothes,
that ridiculous shape,
that baggy, saggy face.
She wears more makeup
than my mother does.
You killed them!
What?
No, they just left.
Do you know
that Molly Ringwald wannabe?
She's a bully at school.
Uh, you destroyed her.
I've got two rules in life--
don't back down from a bully
and never wear kitten heels.
Teach me how.
We can show you
Thank you so much.
If you DJ my party tomorrow
for free.
I'm still paying off
this wig, girl.
Yeah.
It's cold, smelly.
People keep asking me
for foot rubs.
They offering you money?
I can't do another shift.
I'm too tired,
there's too many patients,
and it smells like old piss.
Do you want these?
It'll keep you warm.
Cool.
Excuse me,
but how much longer?
Sir, I got
a sick daughter here.
In times like these,
my father turned
to a higher power.
What would Rochelle do?
Get on the floor.
You, put the Dunks in the bag.
If you let us keep some Dunks,
I'll give you
these breath mints.
It makes a cool sound.
Damn it,
that's such a cool sound.
Fine!
Bribery!
How about you help
my daughter get a bed,
and I help you get
free garlic bread?
No. B-22.
Okay, Chris, we're gonna
teach you how to read.
I know how to read.
Not read, read.
It means to lay into someone.
And you know reading is what?
Fundamental.
Reading is the art of insult, okay?
You tell people who they are
by tapping into who you are.
And we laugh our asses off
because you found a flaw
and exaggerated it.
That's how we beat bullies.
The more real,
the more vicious.
And when all else fails
just shout, "Look over there!"
You ready to tell 'em
like it is?
First, you find a flaw.
What do you notice
about this man?
Um, I guess his nose
is a little big.
Sorry.
- Really, Chris?
That's what you're going for?
His nose? Ugh.
Second,
you exaggerate the flaw.
How would you tell
this man he is ugly?
Uh, you're ugly?
Wrong!
You've gotta add some color.
Like BMW--body made wrong.
Yeah, this isn't worth
the $5 you offered me to stay.
And last, you've gotta
deliver it with confidence.
Read this stuck-up
skinny bitch.
Uh, your butt's so small,
you can't--
Stop.
No, no-no-no, no, no.
No.
- Stand up straight.
Hand on hip.
- Perk your boobs up.
- Uh--uh.
Your butt's so small,
you can't even--
Oh, I see what
the problem is.
It's not your pose, it's you.
How the hell you gonna
look down on somebody
if you can't look
inside yourself?
You've gotta dig deep.
It needs to feel like
it's gonna bust outta you.
Your butt--
Okay, is he poopin'?
- It's a lost cause.
- No!
No straight boy left behind.
- Child, please.
You just left a straight boy
behind this morning.
- How much for a soup?
- 50¢.
But for you, Doc
- Oh, I'm not--
It's free.
Yes, it is.
They'll wanna take
her tonsils out.
Who?
We haven't seen a doctor.
It took forever just
to get this bed.
I'll let
Congress know you're unhappy
with the American
health-care system.
Ugh!
What would Rochelle do?
Psst. Nuh-uh.
You think you're gonna skimp
on my child? Not today.
She deserves a mess
of Tater Tots,
so get to scoopin'!
I got to go off on him!
Hey, your roof leaks
and your lights flicker.
Half the windows
are stuck open.
And you make us wait
a whole day to get a room,
but you're not gonna
send a doctor in?
Sir, please stop going off
on me.
I thought I was just
telling you to get to healing.
I'm not about
to lose my job over you.
I'm sorry.
I don't have it in me.
I get why you can't stand up
to bullies now.
You can't even send back
burnt pancakes,
ya burnt-pancake-eatin' bitch.
Okay, damn.
Your dopey ass ain't real.
That's why
you'll never read people.
I may be a Black drag queen in
a straight white man's world,
but at least I walk proud.
And now I'm walking out on you.
Great. You were my last hope.
Ain't no hope for you.
We get why everybody
hates you, Chris.
Hey, I may not know who I am,
but at least I don't base
my self-worth
on two lopsided boobies
and a horse wig.
And I'd take my chances as a DJ
over your chances as
a "choreographer"/singer/model
any day
bitch.
all: Damn!
Mm! Finally!
Girl, you read me for filth.
You ripped me a new one
on purpose?
Every queen needs a push.
Except for me.
Never touch me.
Wow!
Bonjour.
Rochelle,
I've got a confession.
Is she white?
No. What?
No.
Tonya's sick.
- What?
She's fine,
but her tonsils are inflamed,
so we're at the hospital.
Hospital?
What'd the doctor say?
I can't get one to come in.
I tried bribery.
Uh, I went off on the nurse.
Why the hell
would you do that?
I was trying
to be like you.
But I'm charming
and beautiful.
You gotta work
with what you got.
I offered him
free garlic bread.
Hello?
My mom was willing
to get home
by any means necessary.
But I'll give you everything.
Tiny shampoos, tiny liquors,
an iron, a wall sconce.
Like I said, there are
no more buses until tomorrow.
And I don't like your tone.
You know, my friends
rented a limo.
We're headed in your direction,
and we all love tiny liquors.
So which one of youse
is getting hitched?
None of us.
We're all gettin' divorced.
Whoo!
What about you?
Oh, I'm happily married.
Then she bath-robed her way
into an all-female biker gang.
Rochelle,
you gonna help us fight?
Oh, hell no.
But you can take my iron.
Thanks.
I don't get it.
You spent
all that time with them,
and you didn't find out?
Greg, I wasn't gonna ask them
where they tuck it, okay?
Chris is on--
all: Welfare!
Chris is on--
all: Welfare.
And just like that,
my inner queen was ready
to face my bullies.
Your parents are so poor,
you're the only white family
that moves in
and home values plummet.
And you, you got
so many freckles,
if I played connect the dots,
you'd be in blackface.
Don't do me!
That's right.
You better run.
You just bullied the bullies!
Why does that
make me so aroused?
It's time
to turn the turntables.
Well, what about
your friends' party?
You wanna be
my hype boy or not?
Raise your hands in the air
like you just don't care!
Whoa, the lights are fixed.
The sink isn't leaking.
Who did this?
I did.
I'm too cheap to bribe
and I'm not charming enough
to go off,
but I do know how
to fix things.
Now I need you
to fix my daughter.
It's not a job,
it's a callin'.
And I answered the call.
A woman just came in, and
she's 9 centimeters dilated.
Follow me.
- Oh, snap.
Look, I'm not a doctor.
I just--
Doctor, it's triplets.
Hurry!
Hey.
all: Ho.
Hey.
all: Ho.
I got it from here.
You wanna DJ?
Go spin your head
in the toilet.
No.
- What did you say?
- Nothing.
Just it's a good thing
your hair is fiery red
so dudes know how
to stop, drop, and roll away
when they see you.
all: Ooh!
If this is what
Orphan Annie looked like,
I get why her parents left.
Oh, no, he didn't.
Wait.
I ain't done yet.
Ha! You look like Chucky's
less successful sibling,
Schmucky.
Oh, yes, he did!
When I say, "Katy's"
you say, "Trash."
Katy's--
all: Trash!
Katy's--
all: Trash!
Oh, I knew I shouldn't
have gone on that trip.
Where's the doctor?
Prepping
for Tonya's tonsillectomy.
She'll be okay.
There's a man bleeding out
from a gunshot wound,
but the nurses insisted
I help Tonya first.
How'd you get them
to do that?
I worked with what I got--
work.
I was lovin'
my new bully-proof life,
and the crowd was lovin' me.
Damn, they're
really feelin' this.
Hey! Hey! Yeah!
- Chris, uh--
- What?
They're getting too into it.
They're gonna trample us.
- What?
- You're on your own!
Wave your hands in the air.
Please go back over there.
Aah!
This is for my sister.
Your sister?
Katy. Keep up.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you
sooner that Tonya was sick.
I'm just never on Dad duty.
I didn't wanna mess up
your trip the one time I was.
It's okay, baby.
I should've known you'd
have it all under control.
I didn't have it
under control at first.
You make it look so easy.
It's okay.
One time I left baby Chris
in the store
and brought home
a sweet potato.
Changed his diaper
and everything.
It's just being a parent.
And you're a great dad.
Thank you, baby.
So how's Chris?
I'm sure he's fine.
My baby's okay!
Oh, baby, no.
Chris isn't here.
Ooh, those drugs
are too strong.
Marcus?
How'd you know I was here?
I didn't. I work here.
If I knew you were here,
your Jell-O would be poisoned.
I'm sorry
I missed your party.
It was my first time
hosting a ball, and you bailed.
Do you know what happens
when gays don't dance?
Lights off, bitches!
I just thought I finally
found a way to stop my bullies.
I read Katy to tears.
Tears?
That's too far.
Once you read her like a book,
you close the book, Mary.
If you go past that,
it makes you no better
than a bully yourself.
I promise not
to miss the next party.
There won't be
a next party for you.
But I will get you a doctor.
I'm actually doin' okay now.
Ow!
Doctor!
Drew?
Just act like
I'm helping you.
Helpin' me?
Everybody
still hates Chris ♪
Nah.
Can everyone gather
around, please?
This'll just take a second.
Listen, I'm a 16-year-old boy.
Oh, my God.
You finished medical school
by age 16?
It's incredible
you balance this job
with all the trials and
tribulations of being a teen.
No!
And I wanna call the show
"Doogie Howser, M.D."
We can make him white.
- Oh, yes.
- Oh!
MTV ♪