Golden Axe (2026) s01e09 Episode Script

1
At long last, our
intrepid band of heroes arrive
at Death Adder's castle.
And look how far they've come!
Ah, the memories!
Remember when they got stuck
in Volcano Larry's Tiki Dungeon?
He made mai tais
with a rum floater!
I got so drunk, I threw up on my
friend's horse on the way home.
It's the battle
they've trained for,
the climax of their journey.
If I was there, I'd kill so many
of the bad guys.
I'm not there, though.
I-I'm at home.
I'm sick.
Like, super sick.
I can't believe
it's finally time.
Oh. Everybody make sure
to go pee.
And make it count,
for this urination
could be your last.
Here's the plan.
We fight our way room to room
until we face off
with Death Adder.
And then we kill him.
-Perfect! Charge!
-Hang on!
After all this,
your plan is still
to hack and slash your way
through the castle?
Are you suggesting
we stab and slice?
I think I could make it work.
What would make me happy
is you two
asking me my opinion!
But I don't want to.
Tyris, Gilius has been right
about a lot.
We need to try
-listening to him.
-Thank you.
Now, the prophecy is vague.
"When the Emerald Blade
and the Golden Axe meet,
only one will survive."
Hmm. Arguably,
not even a prophecy.
I like it. Can't be wrong
if you don't pick a side.
It only gives us a 50-50 chance,
but I have a plan
to tip the odds in our favor.
We're going to sneak into the
castle and steal the Golden Axe.
Sneak? Like cowards
on tip-ed toes?
That's right. And we're gonna
do it through the sewers!
Right here.
Sorry I couldn't draw the map
in more detail.
I've only been
in the castle once.
I don't like that your plan
involves trusting the word
of a skeleton.
Is it that I'm a skeleton,
or that I'm a girl?
You and I both know
there can only be one.
Let the games begin.
Chronos and Druda
will stay back with Hampton
and keep the blade safe.
Once we have the Golden Axe,
we'll send a signal.
Then we'll join you
and head to the throne room
where I'll give the final blow
to an unarmed Death Adder,
uh, like, "Yah! Smash!"
"We are victorious! Ah!
"Here come the maidens,
-"- and they're hungry for kisses! Mmm!"
-Ugh.
Smooch, smooch, smooch.
Mm. Mwah.
"Oh, you must be the fairest
maiden I've ever kissed!"
"Okay, enough."
Any questions?
I'm skeptical about the part
where Hampton gets the maidens.
They think they can sneak
into Death Adder's castle.
Do people not know
about our state-of-the-art
security stone?
When he leaves, can we use this
thing to check in on my cat?
I worry he gets lonely
when I'm at work.
Aah. Just walk normal.
Huh. Have you ever noticed
that Death Adder's castle
looks kind of freaky?
Oh, my gods, you're right.
It's so freaky!
You're freaking me out, Hampton!
It is freaky!
So, are you two, like
together?
We're friends with benefits.
The benefit is
how much fun we have!
Ha-ha! Boo-bah.
Uh-uh, ah! ♪
I'm gonna go sit over there.
Hey, Druda.
-What's that?
-That is new.
All done with your monthly walk,
sewer monster.
Back to your home in the sewers.
And don't forget to kill
anybody you find down there.
Well, that's not good,
but, uh, we can pivot.
We'll head in now
and kill that thing
before it can get to the others.
Oh! Almost forgot.
Yada-da! ♪
Oh, I love my job.
Oh, that's right. No lips.
Ew.
I am covered in feces.
But we're making great time.
We haven't even had
to lift our swords!
Death Adder's going
to have to face a couple
of well-rested heroes!
I think I'm starting
to smell the feces.
Hey, Gilius, that monster
just drooled on you!
-Which monster?
-Oh. The one on the ceiling.
It's been behind us for a while.
This'll cost us some time.
But don't worry. We'll make up
for it on the back end.
Why did you not mention
the sewer monster?!
I didn't know there was one!
But I have a plan.
Does your plan involve
more sewer monsters?
Yah!
Whoa! Now there's two of them!
Tyris, did you know
it would do that?
This is bad.
This is so bad.
This is, like, so bad.
Gilius is in danger, our path
into the castle is ruined.
Great! I still have no idea
how to check my pulse!
Gilius, Ax, and Tyris
can handle themselves.
We need a way inside.
Okay. First thought,
I meet a young maid on staff
um, Georgina
and we fall in love
over the course of a cold winter.
I use her trust
to gain access to the castle.
Georgina will be angry about
that, but ultimately forgiving
when we take back Yuria
with the power of our love.
And then we'll have
to, like, break up.
Or
what if we disguise ourselves
and walk in the back door?
I can go as an ordinary skeleton
that didn't defect
to find her purpose.
Okay, if you think
you can hide your sparkle,
sure, sure.
-Chronos, you can go as my
-Don't. Don't say it.
Don't suggest that I pose
-as your ride able beast.
-Why not?
If you're still asking,
you're not listening.
Look! I think
I found our way in.
Chronos, how do you look
in henchman blue?
Hey, did you ever buy that
new shield you were looking at?
We don't have
to be friends, Torgis.
Hey, what are you doing?
A jester hat?
Where did that come from?
Let's just say I know a guy.
He sells jester hats.
I don't think that will work.
Death Adder's jesters
are famously funny.
Don't worry, Druda.
I'm very funny.
Pull my finger.
Hmm.
-Knock, knock.
-What?
Told ya! Kitty cat's got jokes.
No! Wait!
You were supposed to fart!
I have a feeling
this is going to bond us.
I hate you, Torgis.
Please
Stop chopping!
How many heads
does this thing have?
There has to be a limit!
Oh, I've had enough chopping.
I'm going to use my magic.
No, don't!
The tunnels are too fragile!
Dragon dick!
Swallowed by a monster.
I don't have to listen to you.
Those are the rules.
Earth magic!
I told you not to do that,
you lump of a lamb's foreskin!
-Ew, Gilius!
-He saved our lives.
And obliterated our path
to the Golden Axe!
Which is where
we want to go!
Druda?!
You're alive!
Weren't you at Wenisburg?
I heard a skeleton there
turned good.
Huh. That's weird.
Wasn't me!
Nah, it was some other skeleton,
it was so gross.
Me? I'm more evil than ever.
-Praise Death Adder!
-PDA indeed!
-Whew!
-Hey, Torgis!
Aren't you supposed
to be on guard duty outside?
Me? Oh
yeah,
but then I came inside.
Uh, okay. Checks out.
But one of these days,
you're going to slip up,
and I'll be here
to cover for you, because
you've always been there for me.
I love you, Torgis. Mwah.
Quick, move before
they ask Chronos to be funny.
Wait a second. Wait a second!
Has anyone seen
this jester before?
I want to know if he's funny.
I think we could use a laugh.
-Uh
-I got this.
Y'all ever wonder
what it would sound like
if Death Adder was haggling
at the bazaar?
We should run.
Well, we can forget
about the armory.
Because once again, you two
refused to follow my lead.
Oh, I tried,
but now I remember why I don't!
Aha! So you admit it!
Oh, boy, that feels good!
Oh, I admit it.
I happily admit it.
Everyone is saying they feel
good and they're happy,
but it also feels like
they're really angry.
Oh, whatever!
Like you two are perfect!
We're not perfect.
We are superior beings
with bodies like gods,
but unlike you,
we know how to work together!
Do you? 'Cause I sure didn't
see much "working together"
when you were chopping heads
like a head-chopping
lu-lunatic.
Huh. That's true.
Oh, yes. Sorry, quick question.
Where was the teamwork
when I said
that these sewers were
too fragile for earth magic?!
Also true. Ooh!
So, the fact
that you had a terrible plan
and now I'm covered
in feces is our fault?
Yes. And I'm glad
you finally see it!
You are maddening.
I have never met anyone
more maddening than you!
Forget it!
There's only one way out now.
And at least we still have
the element of surprise.
Come, let us surprise them.
Aw, he looks so sad.
I wish I lived close enough
to go home for lunch.
He's so smart.
Well, piss on my ankles.
But seriously, I wouldn't
curse you with his amulet! Ha!
Goodnight, everybody.
Thank you so much.
The dark forces
really needed that.
Guys like you
are the real heroes.
Heroes!
She's onto us.
That was incredible!
You should do that for a living.
Comedy is very easy.
I can't believe that worked!
They had no idea
that we're the good guys!
Did that statue
just turn its head?
Okay, so you heard what I said
about us being good guys?
Do you think the other statues
heard me, too?
Okay, any ideas?
I could distract them
with a joke.
Oh, great idea. Do the one
about the unicorn and the
Pegasus going on the blind date.
Oh, wait!
Stab! Slice!
Ooh, stab and slice
is working great, Gilius!
Hey, that was part of a set!
Aah! That was part of my neck!
The Golden Axe it's this way!
Drop it, Gilius.
We're going straight
to Death Adder.
You know what? Fine.
I'll steal the Golden Axe,
and kill Death Adder
without you.
You're going to be so jealous.
First he sneaks, then he bails.
What's next?
Tardiness? Truancy?!
Ax, Tyris, you're alive!
Jester!
I've got a nephew
who wants to break into jesting.
Do you think you could sit down
with him and
No!
-Thanks.
-Don't thank me yet.
His nephew is still
out there somewhere.
We're outnumbered.
What do we do?
Fire magic!
It wasn't enough.
Run!
Hey, where's Gilius?
There it is.
The Golden Axe.
I found it!
I knew I would.
I would like
to thank Ax and Tyris
for not believing in me.
'Cause Gilius Thunderhead
is the smartest, the strongest,
the leader-y-est, never tardy,
and now he has the Golden Axe.
Huh.
Well, that doesn't seem right.
Better check again.
Huh. Starting to think
this is a trap.
Huh. Right again!
Is there anything I can't do?
Looks like
I've caught myself a dwarf.
We can't hold them much longer!
Oh! We need a miracle.
Did I make a miracle happen
with my mouth?
Hello. It's Ax.
Bigger muscles, please.
An evil chill.
That's never good.
How can you tell
that a chill is evil?
Oh. Yeah, I feel it.
Enough of these foolish games.
Holy crap!
Is that Death Adder?
Bring me the Emerald Blade,
or I kill the dwarf.
Oh, no! I think he means Gilius.
Gilius. This is all his fault.
-He just had to go rogue.
-Uh-huh.
And let me guess.
When he went rogue,
were you having some
I don't know
deeply insecure argument
about who should be in charge?
Yes. And I won.
How?! Death Adder has Gilius,
and we are outnumbered.
If we're going
to have any chance,
we need to actually work
as a team.
You mean, like, one for all,
and all for everybody else,
as well?
Yes, exactly.
Couldn't have
said it better myself.
I could have said it way better.
So what do you say?
Can we work together?
Well, well, well.
I bet you feel super,
super, super dumb.
Soon your young companion
will give me what I want
in exchange for your life.
There's no way Hampton will
surrender the blade.
I'm here to surrender the blade.
Hampton, you idiot!
What are you doing?!
I'm sorry, Gilius.
I wanted to fight,
but no one could agree on how.
Wow. You're a big fella.
Where did you buy that cape?
It's a rug that was intended
for a very large room.
Anyway here.
Now!
What?! Why did you do that?
Because we're us.
Sorry. we don't
have a group name.
We were barely getting along
until eight minutes ago.
Hey, it's illegal
to impersonate active military!
It's also illegal to die!
Go to jail!
It's time for the final boss!
Rah!
Seegggaaaa!
Humpton, now!
No!
Hey, you're rooting
for green, right?
I can't look,
I can't look, I can't look!
Who is winning? Is it me?
Can someone say if it's Hampton?
No, Hampton! Just focus!
Come on, boyo, fight!
Hey, Gilius,
I'm doing comedy now.
I I'm doing it.
I am a hero.
Nay
I am
the chosen one!
Yes!
Yes, kid, you did it!
Gilius the blade.
Who cares? It worked!
You defeated Death Adder!
And more importantly,
I was right!
Which is not
the most important thing.
Who came up with that last plan?
Oh, genius!
It was me and Ax
and everyone else, but not you.
But only because
you weren't there.
What she means is
that we did teamwork.
Look at us!
The original three,
working together to save the day.
Ugh! Did they forget we're here?
This is why
I have hobbies outside of work.
Did somebody order,
uh, victory snakes?
Because if so, they, uh,
are showing up right on time.
Oh, not again.
This guy can't seem to stay dead.
I think Gilius is talking
about Death Adder.
You played right into my hands.
The Golden Axe prevailed,
just like the prophecy predicted.
It didn't predict that!
It was actually really vague.
You don't know the full prophecy.
When the Emerald Blade
and the Golden Axe meet,
only one will survive.
Dot, dot, dot.
It will be the Golden Axe.
It will absorb the power
of the blade
and complete the power
of the axe.
Why would anyone write that
information in that order?
I don't know, Tyris.
I wasn't there.
Can I just say, thank you
for bringing me back to life.
My children
I don't understand.
Long ago, the gods used
the power of the Golden Axe
to banish the giants from Yuria.
In order to return,
my forefathers knew
they would need a weapon
powerful enough
to defeat the Golden Axe.
So, they stole a fragment
of the axe
and used it to forge
the Emerald Blade.
Ugh, this story's so long!
Oh, yeah? Why don't you try
telling me one thing
from history
and make it sound interesting.
Ooh, easy.
Once, there was a boy
Oh, my gods, what time is it?!
I fell asleep, I was so bored!
-His name was Ax!
-Unfortunately
Hey, I wanted to listen
to Ax's story.
Now, die!
There. Now you have
to listen to me.
Where was I? Oh.
I stole the Golden Axe,
and I used it to kill the gods.
Everybody already knows that.
Get to the point!
Hey, aren't you supposed
to be on my side?
Yeah, well,
I don't work for people
that suck at telling stories.
Oh-ho-ho!
It's only taking a long time
because you keep interrupting me.
It doesn't matter.
You'll still die by our hands
eventually, just like always.
That's what you think.
But the endless cycle
of you killing me
only to have me return is over.
I wish this story was over.
You see, the Golden Axe
was incomplete,
but thanks to Gilius and Hampton,
its power has been restored.
With the all-powerful axe,
I am untouchable!
Now, I really must be going.
Goodbye.
Did he just use
the Golden Axe as a broomstick?
Did we just lose?
Why would the blade
choose me for this?
I gave him exactly
what he wanted.
I brought it right to him.
Has anyone seen a coccyx?
I can go without,
but it'd be nice to have.
Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew!
Chirp.