Mr. D (2012) s01e09 Episode Script

1
Good morning everyone,
just a few announcements.
Would the midget girls
volleyball team please meet in
room 324 after school for
an important meeting.
Congratulations to the midget
boys' soccer team who defeated.
St. Pat's by a score
of 2-1 yesterday.
Ah hmmm Trudy: Way to go boys!
Oh, and just one more thing,
the midget boys' basketball team lost
a heartbreaker to York
Secondary, 56-55, too bad boys,
unfortunately you just came
up a little short. Thank you.
What's wrong with you?
Ah for the love of
- Sorry about that stuff.
- Sorry about what?
You didn't hear the
whole announcements?
- No.
- Hey, do you know a girl
named Julie Simpson? She's
a friend of mine
- Little Julie?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Really?
Wow, small world.
Hey Bobbi. Hey Bob
- What's her problem?
- Oh, she has to teach
health today to the grade fivers.
- Ooh, the worst!
- Yeah, I can imagine.
No, you can't imagine.
Let me tell you something about
being a phys-ed teacher. That's
the worst part, having to teach
the kids about sex-ed and
puberty and you know why we
have to teach it? Because their
parents won't tell them. So we
will tell them. Other teachers
don't do it. They shove them to
- the phys-ed teacher.
- Ok, first of all, you're
- not a phys-ed teacher.
- Technically, I have a
degree in Kinesiology, which
makes me a phys-ed teacher.
Secondly, phys-ed teachers
mainly play dodgeball. So
Ok, yeah that's what we
do, we just play dodgeball.
So, you think teaching phys-ed
is easier than teaching
- anything else?
- Yeah, yeah, that's
- what I'm saying.
- Yeah, yeah, oh man.
Hey guys. Lisa, I don't know
if you've heard that
Mr. Wilkins has taken
- a leave of absence.
- Hold on, who?
Yes, that's terrible. I
hope he gets better soon.
Hey! Is that the guy
that looks like a hawk?
Bottom line, I need
you to take over the Quiz Cup.
Academic team and I want you to
find someone to give you a hand.
Hold it. We have
an academic team here?
Yes, absolutely.
I'm happy to help.
Let me know if
you need some help with that.
I can help with that,
umm, hello?
I'm quite a trivia buff right
here. I am on it.
- Hey, Gerry. How's it goin'?
- Hey sir.
I am here.
Yeah, right here.
Trudy, am I here today?
Yeah, good ok. Thank you.
- Morning, Trudy.
- Good morning.
Here are the questions for the
academic competition against
Oh, oh, doesn't matter
who it's against. The impartial
- quiz master thanks you.
- You're welcome.
You didn't leave
these unattended did you?
Uhhh, must we do this every year?
Yes, we do. It's a
matter of security.
Didn't leave them unattended.
- Good.
- Mmmhmmm.
Why'd you use two sticky
things, could have gotten
away with just one. Boop. Office
supplies are expensive Truders,
and I think we both also know
that these things don't grow on
- trees.
- Oh, did I miss it?
You did, ya
missed it. It was great too.
Oh.
Ta da!
That was rich.
Who's cleaning this up?
Lisa. So I really think I
can help you. I mean, have you
- ever coached?
- No, but I think I can
- figure it out.
- Ok, I've coached. Hey, I
memorized Pi to 26 decimal places.
Ok, you just want to do
this because Callaghan
- thinks you can't.
- No, I'm good at trivia.
I love trivia. Trust me,
I can help.
- Ok.
- Yes.
- We practice after school.
- Practice?
- We're sitting here talking about practice?
- Yeah.
Practice? Not a game.
Not a game. Practice?
We talking about practice? Not a
game. Not a game that I live
die for, but we're talking
about practice? Practice?
Really, you lost me. I
don't know what you're
- talking about.
- Alan Iverson, basketball
- player. See? I can help.
- Still don't know.
- Alright, 3:30, ok?
- Ok, oh hey
That's Pi, to 26 decimal places.
Ok, so overt menstruation
occurs primarily with humans and
also close evolutionary primates
such as chimpanzees.
- Is that a bad thing?
- No, no, menstruation
isn't a bad thing. It's really
the major stage of a girl's
puberty and the first stage
of becoming a woman.
- Does it hurt?
- No, Stephan, menstruation
itself doesn't hurt, but
sometimes there's muscle
contractions that go
along with it that do. Yeah?
What does being in love mean?
Not really what
we're talking about right now.
But, Ms. Galka,
you're teaching us about boy/girl
- things right?
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
- sure I am.
- Ok, so what does being in
- love mean?
- Ok, ok, ah ok so being in
love, being in love is when a
boy and a girl
really care for each other.
Really care for each other.
That's it.
My daddy said my mommy
left him because she fell in
- love with another woman.
- Ok. Alright. That's
another. You guys, just, let's
just talk about menstruation.
- Right?
- Do boys get mentation?
Menstruation Stephan.
No they don't get menstruation.
Then why is the word men in it?
I don't know.
I don't know. I don't know.
I don't know.
- Hello, hello.
- Hey Gerry.
So you're on the team?
Did you tell them the good news?
Not yet. Mr. Duncan
is actually gonna be
- coaching the team.
- Co-coaching the team.
- Why?
- Why? What do you mean
- why, Maya?
- Hey, sorry I'm late.
Noah, try to be on time
please. Punctuality is key, ok?
We have a new coach. So I have
a little different structure.
- Co-coach.
- Be on time.
But, you're always late for class.
I am, am I? When I coach?
Have you seen me coach?
Never late.
Like clockwork when
I coach. What is the longest
- river in the world?
- The Nile.
No, Noah. It's the
Mississippi. See, when you're
- late, you might not know stuff.
- It is definitely the Nile.
Mississippi's the third longest.
Well, smarty pants, the
Colorado River is the
second longest in the world.
Betcha didn't know that.
The Amazon is the
second longest river.
We'll never know,
'cause I have to go.
TRUDY! That's not funny.
What if I had a parent in there
when that screen saver came up?
Well then, obviously Robert
they would just think that you really
- like sexy clowns.
- Did I miss it again?
- Yes.
- Sir, please it's not
funny. She's really starting to
impede my ability to do my job.
Oh, Robert, chillax.
It's a joke. Grow a spine.
- Fight back.
- I know.
Grow a spine Robert.
I have one thanks.
If it's a war you want,
it's a war you got lady!
- Bring it.
- I'm just goin'
- to get it.
- Hope you can find it.
If I was the person
who put it there I guess I
would be the one who
knows where it is.
Ah man, this is boring.
Is this how you guys practice
for real? Just sit there? And
stare at things? Let's get some
questions goin' here. Maya,
which one of Henry VIII's wives
gave birth to Elizabeth
- the one, first?
- Anne Boleyn.
- Correct. But, you didn't buzz.
- What?
You gotta buzz soon as you hear
the question, as soon as it starts, buzz,
- gain control of the board.
- How are they supposed to
buzz when they don't
even know the question?
You don't need to know
the whole question, you need to
know the start of the question
and then you gain control by
buzzing. For instance, if they
ask you "which country has the"
"capital" right away you know
the answer is a country. You now
have control of the board, boom,
we're one step ahead of them.
But sir, there's 196
countries in the world.
Then there's 196
capitals, start learning. I know
my capitals, ask me a
capital of a country.
- Australia?
- Come on, Canberra. Easy.
- Please. Next?
- Iceland?
- Reykjavik. Easy Maya.
- Madagascar?
Countries! Countries was
the question. Not islands. Ok?
Want to know the capital of
Gilligan's Island too? Is that
fun to you? Just throwing out
bizarre answers? If you don't
know the capitals, Noah, at
least know your countries. OK?
Ahh, heard you're
starting the health unit.
Yeah, kind of the worst
part of teaching phys-ed.
You know? Gerry: Well, if you want
me to come in on my spare and help I will.
Yeah, oh no, that's ok. Thanks.
Suit yourself. But let it
be known that I have quite a way
with young kids and sex. What I
mean is, I have quite a way of
explaining sex to
young I have
I know how to make it
fun. I know how
- to make sex education fun.
- Got it.
Let me know if you need me.
Won't be changing my mind. Thanks.
I just have to open it up to
questions. I just have to spend
the whole class just answering
questions, it'll be easy.
- Who did things?
- I'm sorry, I was just, um,
I was just talking out loud.
Sorry.
Ah, yes. Two voices in
the head is a danger maze.
Yeah, yeah you're kind of right.
- I have a melancholy.
- What does that mean?
I used to have girlfriends,
- they want out, I want in.
- Yeah.
They want out, I want in.
They want in, I want out.
- Okay.
- So I say, I'm out!
- Yup.
- Quick like Band-Aid.
Ok, I get it. I just have
to suck it up right? I have to
follow through with what's in
my heart anyway, right.
- Are you baby? Are you Boobi?
- No. No, I'm Bobbi.
- Yes, go, yes.
- Yeah. What?
- Thank you!
- Thank you!
- Good night.
- Thanks Anon Da Shon Rum.
- RIIIIPPPP!
- Thanks for listening.
Alright, we're getting
close. Hands on your buzzer.
- My hand is sore.
- Her hand is sore.
- Come on, this isn't helping.
- Please. In what year?
Ok, good that you knew it
was a year, but in what year did
the revolutionary war begin?
1975 Noah? Seriously?
- 1775?
- Yeah, way off ok?
Alright, what
What are you doin'?
On "what" you're buzzing in?
- Yeah, but, you said to
- I just said what, that's
not enough words, you can't
guess the question from "what".
There could be a trillion
possible questions.
- How many zero's in a trillion?
- 12.
Good Maya, nice, but you
didn't buzz in. So not only did
you give the answer to the team
above us, you also gave them
- control of the board.
- Ok, do you see how maybe
they should listen and be comfortable
with their answers before they buzz?
- Yeah, we could do that.
- Yeah.
We could wait for
the whole question if you want,
think, hmm, wonder what the answer is,
hit the buzzer, too late!
If you do that we might as well watch
them walk away with the quiz cup.
Ok, ok. Team, how about
we're done for the day and so
how 'bout we pack up our things.
Gerry, can I please speak with
- you in the hallway? Thank you.
- What is the Latin deri
See, as soon as I said Latin
somebody should have buzzed
because you know the answer
is going to be a word.
Come on.
Mr. Malik, thank you
for coming. Have a seat.
Seat?
So I know for a fact that you're
short on a few supplies right?
Here's what I was thinking, maybe you and
I could figure out a little "arrangement."
- Garbage sacks.
- I can do that for you,
but I'm hoping you can help me with
a little problem I'm having with Trudy.
I help all today.
I think they're
starting to get it.
Ok, Gerry,
I really appreciate that you're doing
this to help me out and everything,
but I think our coaching styles
are really conflicting.
Ok I agree, a little bit.
Ok, because I don't think
that they need two coaches.
- No. No, no, no, no, no.
- I'm sorry, I just
Don't you dare quit on this team.
- I'm not going to quit.
- Good, 'cause you are just
as much a part of this as I am.
Keep your head up.
This is the finals?
Where is everybody?
Just the parents show up
for this. Ok you guys let's get
- a photo here of the team.
- Oh, wait, photo, photo.
- Four of you
- Here they come.
Oh my Oh what happened?
Good for you,
getting involved and stuff, huh?
- Gonna answer some questions? My name is Mr
- Are you the addle-pate
in charge of this rabble?
Think so.
Well, rule #175 states
and I quote "no electronic
devices of any kind permitted
on any person's person".
- Ok, we just want to get a little picture
- Rules are rules.
- Ok. Oh ow.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- She did that on purpose.
- And she called you a moron.
She called me apple
cake. Pay attention.
- I don't think so.
- Yeah apple cake, are you
the apple cake in charge of
this team? It's a dessert.
It's addle-pate.
She called you a moron.
Trudy, have you got
those papers I was asking for?
Oh, yes, they are right here.
Here you go.
- Xavier Academy. May I help you?
- Hello Truby,
your fridge run around guy
time. You better find it.
Oh, really Robert?
Is that all ya got?
I'm telling you,
the man's an amateur.
- Whoa, are you ok?
- Ow.
- Gotcha!
- What have you done?
- A joke, I did a joke.
- You think this
- is funny?
- Well not right now.
- Are you ok? Just stay
- Yes, don't let him touch
me. You, however, can
help yourself. Ow. Jeez.
Ow, god.
Sorry I'm late.
Bit of an incident.
York Secondary students, welcome.
My name is Robert Cheeley.
I'm the vice principal here,
- highly regarded and what have you.
- Says who?
But I want you to know as your
quiz master I will be impartial and fair.
Okay? So does anybody need anything to make
their stay here a little more comfortable?
What? Because I'm in a wheelchair?
Is there a problem here?
Yeah, his frontispiece.
- What is that? Your suit?
- No, my face.
There's a problem with my face.
Would you excuse us for a moment?
Ms. Mason, as you
know rule 117 states that the
visiting team should
be on the second tier.
Yeah, well, obviously
we can make an exception.
Noo. She started it, ok?
She tried to get in our kitchen.
It's not gonna happen.
She's a mean, mean girl.
- Kitchen's closed.
- Thank you.
- Kitchen's closed.
- Ok, Gerry, there's no
reason why they can't
take the bottom tier.
They're moving her now.
So it's too late to stop.
- She's in a wheelchair.
- I'll try to stop them.
Guys, you don't need to do that.
Don't worry about it.
Looks like a heavy wheelchair.
She called him something,
she called me something.
She's eyeballing us,
eyeball her back.
- She's an agitator. She agitates.
- Gerry.
She's mad at us. Don't
let this affect you guys.
- Oh my gosh.
- There, they're up.
Big deal, what did that take?
15 seconds?
Ok, Brittany? You good?
We're good. Let's go!
Which of the following
countries does not border
Brazil? Paraguay, Guyana, Peru,
Gerry: Peru.
Or Ecuador? Brittany?
- Ecuador.
- Correct!
That's right,
Peru doesn't border it anymore.
Next question. During
the Cuban missile crisis, in
what country were the U.S.
missiles that threatened the
Soviet Union? West Germany,
Finland, Turkey or India?
- Australia.
- Brittany?
- Turkey.
- That is correct.
That wasn't even an option.
York Secondary now with
54 points, Xavier in second
place with a mere 22 points.
- As we turn our attention now to this question.
- Time out.
Mr. Duncan, there are
no times outs, I'm afraid.
Ah well Maya
needs her EpiPen. So
Judge, will you accept
EpiPen? Timeout granted for
Xavier Academy, clock starts now.
Shake when I do
this, just pretend.
Ow! What are you doing?
What's goin' on guys?
Turkey, missiles,
- everyone knows that.
- Brittany's pretty smart ok?
Hey, and you guys are
incredibly smart.
- So just relax.
- You guys focus.
No, they're not the
problem, ok? You're the problem.
- Trouble in paradise?
- Two minutes, two minutes.
- Gerry, and the kids aren't having fun.
- She's right.
No one's having fun.
So we're going to turn on me.
That's how we do it when
we're losing. Mindy? Maya?
No, no Gerry, ok? Enough,
you are a really great coach,
- but let me coach them alright?
- Okay.
You guys, enjoy
yourselves. Have fun. Relax.
- Go for it!
- Victory speech.
Time out's over, time out's over.
Ok, so a series of muscle
contractions delivers the
male gametes through the cervix,
into the uterus and then into
the fallopian tube. Any
questions? Go! Yup?
Are you in a
relationship, Ms. Galka?
Yes, I am, actually.
- Are you in love with him or her?
- It's a him and why are
you guys grilling me with
all these questions, right?
Maybe you're in love with
another woman like my mommy is.
No, I'm not. Ok, you know
what? Sometimes you think you're
in love with someone right?
And it's kind of hard to admit to
yourself that you're not in
love with somebody.
So you don't love him?
Oh, thank God.
Miss, if you don't
love this guy, why don't
- you just tell him?
- 'Cause it's not that easy,
Stephan, I mean, you know we
live together and our names are
on the lease and we just got a
dog, so, I have to love him.
- You get it, hey buddy?
- Yeah.
Yeah. Thanks pal.
York Secondary in the
lead with 76, Xavier Academy
has 70. Now it's onto this
final, 10 point, winner take
all question. When did the
revolutionary war begin?
- Carol?
- 1774.
Oh, incorrect I'm afraid.
- What are you doing?
- Xavier, chance to steal.
- Same question. Maya?
- She didn't mean that.
- 1775.
- That's correct!
- Xavier wins the quiz cup!
- You stupid idiot!
Oh, I understand
what she's saying now.
Wait, where you
going? What about me?
- We did it.
- Yeah, well we did it,
- you're fired, ok? Alright.
- You can't fire me,
you don't pay me to do this.
You can't fire somebody
- that volunteers.
- Let's go see your parents,
they're going to be
so proud of you.
Well, who's the apple cake now?
I gotta roll. Oh, no
offense. Lock up when
you're done will ya? Guys!?
Hey, Trood. You feeling better?
Ah, yeah well you
know, full of pain killers.
- Oh, yeah, um, I have some big news.
- What?
- I broke up with Craig last night.
- Yes.
I feel like this huge weight
is lifted off my shoulder.
- Best feeling ever.
- What's the best feeling ever?
Nothing Robert. Anyway, I'm
gonna fill you in all about it later. Ok?
- Okay.
- On what?
Nothing, nothing. Ok?
Secrets between girls, huh?
Trudy, I said I was sorry and
that it was an accident ok?
I'm sorry you hurt your back.
Sucker!
Ow, oh my back. Do you know what?
You hurt me so bad, I can't do
this and I can't do that either.
Do you know what I'll
never be able to do again?
Best six hours I ever spent.
Oh God, oh yeah,
that was worth it.