Petticoat Junction (1963) s01e09 Episode Script

1
Come ride the little train ♪
That is rollin' down the tracks to the Junction ♪
Forget about your cares ♪
It is time to relax at the Junction ♪
Lots of curves, you bet ♪
And even more when you get ♪
To the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
And that's Uncle Joe, he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪
At the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction! ♪
The train is coming, Kate.
Yeah, I heard.
I was just sitting there Shh, shh, shh.
Oh, Mama, do you think maybe there's? Shh.
That'll be six for lunch, Billie Jo.
The way Charley and Floyd eat, that's the same as eight.
Oh, I hope there's some good-looking
young fellas for a change.
Did you hear that, Kate?
You've got yourself a problem with that one.
There's nothing on her mind but boys.
Yeah.
Looks like I've gone and raised myself
a normal, healthy girl.
This is Shady Rest.
We're stopping here for lunch.
There's nothing here but a water tower.
Yeah, a water tower.
Hey, fireman I'm the conductor now.
This train's supposed to go through to Pixley.
We figured on eating lunch there.
Yeah, there.
Boys, you never had a finer meal
than Kate Bradley cooks.
And that's the truth, boys.
That's right.
And today is spareribs and sauerkraut day.
Mashed potatoes, hot biscuits.
I'll see you up there.
Hey, did you hear that, Arthur?
Yeah. I hate ribs and sauerkraut.
Yeah, me, too.
Charley, if you could run that train
as fast as you run for food, you'd really have something.
Joe, you quit riding me about my eating.
I work hard, and there's a lot of me to feed.
Yeah, for a big man, Charley's a very small eater.
That's true.
In one meal, he can eat a small turkey,
a small roast and a small ham.
Hello there. Thank you, Mrs. Bradley.
Welcome.
Boys, you signaled six for lunch.
We had six.
Two young fellas wanted to go on into Pixley and eat.
Don't worry, Kate, I'll go sell 'em a bill of goods.
Well, come on, boys.
Did you say young fellas, Floyd?
Yeah. Nice lookin', too.
Boy, I hope those hicks eat fast.
Got to make it into Pixley
in time to case that bank before it closes.
Yeah, closes.
Hey, put that away, you jerk.
I told you to keep both our guns out of sight.
I'm sorry.
Hey, boys, you're sure missing a good meal.
Sauerkraut and spareribs.
All you can eat for 50 cents.
How about it? Coming up for lunch?
No, no, we don't like spareribs and sauerkraut.
Speak for yourself.
Yeah, we'll be right there.
Let's go.
Hey, wait a minute, Arthur.
I thought you said you didn't like
spareribs and sauerkraut.
That was before I saw the appetizer.
Billie, you should have been here sooner.
I told your mother I was going
to sell those boys a bill of goods.
I just did.
Thank you.
Yeah, thanks.
Oh, Kate, that was wonderful.
Finish up, everybody.
The train leaves in five minutes.
Charley, I have another pie in the kitchen.
Oh? Well, take your time, folks.
The train leaves in half an hour.
Good thing there's only one more pie.
You never would make it into Pixley.
Don't forget, Uncle Joe,
we don't stop here tomorrow.
Bank shipment day, huh?
Yeah.
Uh, bank shipment day?
Once a month we haul the bank shipment
from Hooterville to Pixley.
And on that day, we highball her straight through.
Yeah, that bank shipment
has to get on in to Pixley on time.
Hey, Arthur Ooh, my ribs!
What's the matter?
Uh, he, uh ate too many ribs.
Yeah, ribs.
I, uh, suppose you probably carry armed guards
on bank shipment day, huh?
Armed guards?
Shucks no.
Oh?
Carry guns yourselves?
Floyd and me carry guns?
Never.
Hey, Arthur, did you
I think I better walk him around a little.
Uh, he's had too much to eat.
Excuse us, please.
But, boys, here's the pie.
Well, thank you kindly, but we've had plenty.
It was a wonderful meal.
Yeah, wonderful.
Nice polite young fellas.
Real gentlemen.
I spotted that right away, Kate.
That's why I sold them the bill
of goods to come up for lunch.
Well, I'm glad you did.
We don't, uh, see too many nice-looking young men
around here, do we, uh Billie Jo?
Gee, I don't know. How many is too many?
Spend the night here?
I thought we were going into
Pixley and knock over the bank.
Give me that, you knucklehead.
I'm sorry.
Now, look, we don't have to go into Pixley at all.
All we got to do is grab that bank shipment
right off the train tomorrow.
Yeah, but they say that the train
doesn't stop when they carry a
So we'll stop it.
Yeah, stop it.
How?
Leave that to me, will you?
Uncle Joe, you and your stories.
Wish we could stay overnight, Kate.
But we got to get on into Pixley.
Ah. That goes for me, too, Kate.
Kate,
I'll bet I can talk them young fellas
into spending the night here.
They're a pushover for my sales pitch.
Well, fine, Uncle Joe.
Tomorrow morning, we go up the track
And pile the railroad ties on
Oh, he hasn't got over it yet, huh?
No, not yet.
Well, boys, we've got
the softest beds here you ever slept in.
How about spending the night?
Great, we'll do it.
We'll do it.
Kate, I may take
a couple of months off and go on the road.
What?
I never realized what a dynamic salesman I am.
People just can't say no to me.
Fine way you fellas run a railroad.
Kate and me have to waste our valuable time,
come all the way into Hooterville here
just to get to Pixley.
Now, you listen, Joe.
You know good and well
we don't make no stops on bank shipment day.
That's right.
We highball her right straight through to Pixley.
Highball her?
Why, a turtle could beat that train into Pixley.
Well, why don't you ride a turtle?
I would, but Kate's on that train
and I don't want to get there ahead of her.
Uncle Joe.
Will you stop teasing the boys so we can get going?
Better do as the boss says.
Boss?
Listen, you steam jockeys,
I'm the boss out at the Shady Rest Hotel,
and don't you forget it.
Uncle Joe!
Coming, Kate.
I'm the boss out there, but here in Hooterville,
I kind of let her have her way.
All right, let's get this thing in the baggage car.
Kate and me's got a lot of business at the bank.
You know, three could carry that easier than two.
Yeah.
Why, shame on you.
You expect Kate to get off the train
and come out here and help you?
No, we expect you to help.
Me?
Now, you boys know that I'm carrying
two pounds of shrapnel from World War One.
Well, take it out of your pocket,
put it down and help 'em with that chest.
Oh, we can handle it, Kate.
I was just teasing him.
Kate, Joe says you got business at the Pixley bank today.
Yeah. I'm gonna try and get
one of those improvement loans.
I got an idea to improve the front porch.
So have I: Keep him off of it.
Come on, Uncle Joe.
I wouldn't talk about improvements
if I ran a train like the Hooterville Greaseball.
Uncle Joe.
That's Cannonball.
And we're pulling out in one minute.
We'll be aboard.
Now, just don't go too fast.
Yeah, you might hit a chipmunk and derail the whole train.
Chipmunk.
Uncle Joe, I'm kind of worried.
Me, too.
I worry every time I ride this thing.
Oh, not about the train.
I was wondering if we did right
leaving the girls alone with those two boys.
You mean Arthur Gilroy and Lowell Rightmeyer?
Uh-huh.
Well, you can relax.
I think they're
two of the finest young men I've ever met.
Oh, you think so?
Kate, if there's one thing I am,
it's a great judge of character.
It's in the eyes.
There's an old saying:
Eyes wide apart, goodness in the heart;
eyes close together, look out for stormy weather.
Who said that?
A very wise man.
You?
Yeah.
Here she comes.
This is it.
Yeah, it.
Floyd, looks like somebody's piled some ties on the track.
You gonna stop?
Of course I'm gonna stop.
Good, I can use 'em for firewood.
What in the world?!
Probably hit a chipmunk.
Well, Charley and Floyd have never stopped here before.
Well, there's chipmunks all up and down the line.
Hey, we finally did it.
We made the big time.
We're getting held up.
Move!
Come on!
Now, let's get this straight, the whole bunch of you,
one false move and I'll blow you all to bits.
Yeah, to bits!
Bits? Well, my goodness,
there's nothing on this train
that you Wait a minute, Kate.
I'd better handle this.
Now, see here, young fella,
if this is your idea of a joke Ooh! Oh.
I didn't say it was my idea of a joke.
K-Kate, you better handle this.
Them's real killers if I ever seen one.
You ain't just a-kiddin', mister.
All right, everybody into the baggage car.
You heard him!
You first, Mrs. Brad Uh, lady!
Lowell Whitemeyer!
Uh, Rightmeyer.
And that's Arthur!
It isn't either.
Uh, start moving!
What do you know, Charley, it's Lowell and Arthur.
Howdy, boys.
Holding up the train, huh?
Sure picked a nice day for it.
What's the matter with you two?
Them's desperate criminals.
You want to get us all killed?
Oh, Uncle Joe, it's only Arthur and Lowell
The same two you liked so much a few minutes ago.
Well, that was before I noticed
their eyes were so close-set.
See what I mean?
What's the matter, y'all deaf?
Everybody into the baggage car!
The silliest thing I ever heard of.
Come on, move.
Darn you, what'd you wear your glasses for?
'Cause my mother makes me.
You know that.
If I don't, I get headaches.
All right, everybody out of my way.
We're gonna crack open the bank shipment.
Yeah, the bank shipment.
We had this caper cased pretty darn good.
Lowell, stop trying to talk like a roughneck.
And take off that handkerchief.
It looks terrible. Hey, leave that mask alone.
It's all right, Arthur.
It was killing my sinuses anyway.
Take yours off, too. We know who you are.
Kate, don't get 'em riled up.
I know these vicious characters.
They'd just as soon kill you as look at you.
Arthur and Lowell?
I don't care if it is Arthur and Lowell.
They've gone stark raving mad.
Why don't you shut up!
Ooh!
Arthur, I wish you wouldn't be so hard
on Uncle Joe's stomach.
I've seen pin cushions treated gentler.
Talks too much.
And get this straight, all of you,
this is a holdup not a clambake!
And I got a mighty itchy finger.
Have you tried soaking it in Epsom salts?
I had a brother-in-law once who Quiet!
Lowell, get an ax and chop the lock off that bank shipment.
Where am I gonna get an ax?
There's one right back there.
Yeah, but it says,
"Use only in case of fire."
Would you like me to light a match?
That'd legal it up.
You're asking for it, Kate.
They'll cut you to ribbons.
Shh, Uncle Joe, they'll poke you in the stomach again.
Arthur, what do you need an ax for?
Look.
We ain't had a key since a train rat
run off with it four or five years ago.
Left us some real nice licorice drops in exchange.
Quiet!
Come on, Lowell, get that box open.
Let's get the money and get out of here.
Okay, chief.
Wait.
I-I'd like to offer you nice crooks a little advice.
This box is federal property,
and if you open it, it'll bring the FBI
and the government bloodhounds a-howlin' on your trail.
Remember, I'm-I'm just telling you this as a friend.
Ooh! Ooh! Oh.
And Joe don't make friends too easy, does he?
Joe, I know that smarts,
but it'll take your mind off your tummy for a spell.
Go ahead, Lowell, open the box.
Hey, Arthur, look!
What kind of a bank shipment is this?
Deposit slips mostly.
If you boys open an account,
you'll have a lifetime supply.
Yeah, but that wouldn't do us any good.
We don't live around here.
What happened to the money?
Money on this train?
You mean, we went to all this trouble
for deposit slips?
Why, heck no.
There's blotters and checks,
ballpoint pens and paper clips.
Lifetime supply of those, too.
Good going, Lowell, you made quite a haul.
That ain't even counting the Gorgonzola cheese
and-and six sacks of fertilizer.
Arthur, you better face it:
There's nothing worth taking in this whole neighborhood.
I wouldn't say that, Kate.
Don't pay any attention to him.
He has the craziest sense of humor.
There's nothing that would interest
a couple of important desperados like you.
Kate Bradley, how can you stand there
and fib like that?
You with that big safe
right behind the desk in your own hotel.
She keeps all the guest valuables there, you know.
Floyd, why don't I give you the combination
and you can hand it over to them.
You locking the safe now?
That does it.
Take Charley up front, get the ties off the track
and get this heap started.
We're heading back for the hotel.
You want to see that Billie Jo again, huh?
Billie Jo and a safe full of valuables.
Come on, let's go.
All right, everybody,
back in the passenger car!
Floyd, how do you do it?
Do what?
Your mouth isn't any bigger than anybody else's.
How do you manage to get both feet in it?
Okay, come on, come on.
Come on, move it.
You, too, ma'am.
Come on.
Okay, now everybody follow me up to the hotel.
Come on, come on, move!
All right, all right.
When I say move, I mean move!
All right, all right.
I don't know what's come over that young fella.
He was so nice this morning.
Why, he's a regular Dr. Jekyll and Mr. What's-His-Name.
Hyde.
Yeah, that's a good idea.
Here, Charley, hold this.
Hey!
I told you no more funny stuff.
Get up out of there.
Now come on, everybody follow me up to the hotel.
Yeah, hotel.
Lowell, carry this for me, will you?
Oh, sure, Mrs. Bradley.
Can I carry your gun for you?
Oh, no, it's all right, I can manage.
Yeah, manage.
Hmm?
Nothing, Lowell, nothing.
Hi, Arthur. Hi, Billie.
All right, everybody inside.
Come on, come on.
What are you doing, Arthur? Hold it.
You'll see, doll.
Where you going? Gonna sort my mail.
Come on, Floyd. Wait a minute.
Where do you think you're going?
We're gonna put the groceries in the kitchen.
That's all right, son, we'll be right back.
Now, what are you doing?
Well, I got groceries, too.
Give me that.
Get that out in the kitchen! Yes, sir.
And see that you come right back! Yes, sir.
And don't try anything funny, any of you.
Arthur, what are you doing with a gun?
Oh, he and Babyface Whitemeyer held up the train.
No, no, Rightmeyer.
R-I-G All right.
Shut up, you nut.
Where's your gun?
I left it in the sack.
In the sack?
Yeah, sack. Yeah, sack.
Hey, look what I found.
Now, don't try anything else!
Buster!
Now, you listen, Arthur, you stop poking Uncle Joe
so hard or I'm gonna take a stick to you!
What's the matter with everybody around here?
Can't you see we're desperate criminals?
You're all in danger.
Look, this is a real gun,
and I'm gonna blow a hole in the first creep
who gets out of line. Mom,
you know what this is?
This is a perfect case of paranoid schizophrenia.
Well, don't call him any names.
You're looking at a mad dog killer.
Shut up or you're getting bit!
Okay, now where's the safe?
Oh, no!
Arthur you stay away from here.
Aha!
Betty Jo, what's the matter with you?
There's nothing in the safe.
Oh-ho.
Oh-ho.
That won't work, Mrs. Bradley.
I wasn't born yesterday.
Yeah, his birthday is June the 10th.
Come on, get out of the way.
Arthur, please don't.
Come on, move!
Hey, it's open. We're in luck.
Yeah, in luck.
Betty Jo Bradley.
I'm sorry, Mom.
Hey, those must be pretty valuable cats.
How many times have I told you
that the safe is no place for Miranda.
But that's where she always likes to have her kittens.
What a kooky joint.
Yeah, deposit slips and then cats.
What are we gonna do now, Arthur?
I'm not licked yet.
Come on, everybody out of here!
Out along the counter, come on, move!
Yeah, the counter, come on.
Line up out along the counter, Mrs. Bradley.
There's got to be something valuable around here.
I've got an old army cot Benedict Arnold slept in.
Come on!
Empty the pockets and dump the valuables on the counter.
Oh, my goodness, look at the time.
Come on, girls.
Wait a minute!
Who said you could leave?
Well, it's-it's 5:00.
We have to start fixing dinner.
Didn't you hear what I said about the valuables?
Oh, they'll still be here after dinner.
You're welcome to stay, Arthur.
Yeah, but
I've got a gun! You can't just w
Where are you going?
Well, I thought I'd help them set the table.
It's the least I can do.
Wow, we got to get some wood on the fire.
Come on, Floyd.
Yeah, the boiler probably is getting thirsty, too.
Come back here, both of you!
Oh, don't worry about a thing.
We'll be back for dinner.
Doesn't anybody listen to me around here?!
Hey! Where do you think you're going?!
No place.
I was just opening the door
to let in a little fresh air, for you not for me.
Ah, get lost!
Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
Um, more dessert anybody?
Mm. No, thank you. No, thanks.
It's good.
Well, I think you can clear off, girls.
I'll help you, Billie.
Yeah, Billie.
I mean, Bobbie.
I, uh, think that the two of us can handle this alone.
Oh, I know, but, uh,
why not let the girls help us?
Um, you're right, Lowell.
L-Let the girls help.
Mama, what are we gonna do about Uncle Joe?
Oh, uh, uh, keep his, um, dish warm in the oven.
And if he's to be found, Betty Jo will find him.
Right this way, fellas.
You know, Kate, they're not bad boys.
Course they're not.
All they need is jobs
to keep them out of mischief.
Mother! Mother!
I think Uncle Joe's here!
I saw a lantern coming across the meadow.
It must be Uncle Joe.
Now, where could that man have been?
Must have been important for him to miss a meal.
Follow me, officer.
Better have your gun out; These are desperate criminals.
They've escaped.
Uncle Joe
They've taken Billie and Bobbie as hostage.
Uncle Joe How'd it happen?
Joe, the boys are in the kitchen.
I hope you got 'em tied up tight.
They're a couple of real mad dog killers.
Officer Trooper Benson, ma'am.
This gentleman flagged me down on the county road.
It's Joe Carson.
C-A-R-S-O-N, in case the newspapers ask.
I escaped from the bandits at the risk of my life.
They're not bandits.
Arthur, Lowell, come in here, please.
Better have your gun ready; They're vicious.
Don't let those aprons fool you, arrest them!
The boys or the girls?
Officer, I-I'm awfully sorry that Uncle Joe
sent you on this wild goose chase,
but these boys are not criminals.
They held up a train, didn't they, Charley?
Yeah, for about five minutes.
Yeah, five.
Officer, won't you sit down and have some food?
No, thank you, ma'am.
I have to get back to my car.
It's quite a little walk from here.
Good night, everyone.
Good night.
Thank you. They had a gun!
I got a black and blue stomach that can prove it!
Well, Arthur, let's get back to the dishes.
Yeah, dishes.
Kate, what's the matter with everybody?
Them boys had guns, you saw 'em.
As a matter of fact, I got 'em.
I'm gonna have this one for dessert.
Dessert?
Best licorice I've tasted in a long time.
Petticoat Junction ♪
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