Scrubs (2026) s01e09 Episode Script

1
[J.D.] One thing that hasn't changed
in teaching hospitals,
burnout still comes for all the interns.
I'm sorry you incurred
a small scar during surgery,
but I'd like to remind you you're alive.
- [Dashana] You're welcome.
- Dr. Green. Happy Friday.
- Have you got any plans for the weekend?
- I do, but you know who doesn't?
Your patient in 402.
She's very dead. Sign here.
You're a dream.
I have to choose between rectal pain,
constipation, and a penis?
I haven't seen the top half
of a person in weeks.
It's one of the worst things
about this job unless you're Winston.
- He's definitely going into proctology.
- Yeah.
Hey, guys, gather round.
Time to pick them all up.
Look, y'all, this job is very hard,
but just remember: "Difficult roads
lead to beautiful destinations."
Did you get that from a greeting card?
No, Dashana.
I got it from those
little lady chocolates
with inspirational messages
on the wrapper.
Fire off another gem.
Guys, "be the woman
you know is inside of you."
Think about it.
Wow, you have shockingly smooth hands.
Oh, I wish I could say
I was born with these,
but it's most likely
my moisturizing gloves. You want them?
You know what?
Just You take them. Save me from myself.
[chuckles] You're welcome.
Dude, what in the actual heck?
That girl was smoking.
She was speaking to you.
I-I-I didn't even notice.
What's wrong with me?
It's the lady candies, bro.
They're messing with your testosterone.
They make me feel fierce and independent.
Give me that. Now you listen to me.
I love you,
but I can't get any more 3:00 a.m. texts
about how lonely you are.
I'm a you fan and a Bulls fan.
You're both in slumps,
and I need one of y'all to win.
Hey, you're shoplifting.
- I am not.
- Yes!
[J.D.] Blowing my chance with the girl
of my dreams put me in a funk,
but Maintenance Guy and I had
a great ritual when no one was around.
- Be strong.
- You be strong.
- We got this.
- We got this.
Where the hell have you been?
Good morning, Jordan.
Ever since Cox got diagnosed,
Jordan has been all over me.
You know you can't keep us waiting.
For God's sake,
Jordan's scales almost dried out.
I'll allow that 'cause you're sick.
It's his mom's fault.
She was genetically weak too.
I have Viking blood.
Oh, that must be nice
for pillaging and whatnot.
So come on, be useful. How's he doing?
Save your breath. I'm super. We're done.
Ah, Perry, you know very well that
I have to get some blood work on you
and check your sed rate and CRP.
- I also need to do a quick physical exam.
- Oh.
Do what I do.
When you touch him, picture Jamie,
my personal trainer.
It makes it way more tolerable.
Take your clothes off.
And I'd like to see that picture of Jamie.
You okay, Ash?
Uh, I lost a patient.
I'm sorry.
And Amara put me into the zone of friends.
[J.D.] The friend zone.
Asher, my boy, I've been there.
It'll turn around.
Knowing Asher got kicked
in his emotional testicles
made me happy I wasn't an intern.
I'm so glad
all my old problems are behind me.
Good day, sir.
Janitor?
- Miss me?
- In a suit.
It's Janitor by Janitor.
[scats]
I can't do this all on my own ♪
No, I know I'm no Superman ♪
I'm no Superman ♪
Wow, 30 years.
It's actually only been 17.
Well, then you have aged rather poorly.
Why are you here?
You know what? It doesn't matter.
I'm the Chief of Medicine now.
You have no power over me.
Oh, but I do.
See, you're not the only chief
around here.
You happen to be looking at the
Chief Custodian of the Joint Commission.
You're on the Joint Commission?
So you've heard of us.
I'm gonna inspect the whole place.
I'll be in your office.
I changed the locks.
I changed them back.
Mr. Jensen was
at his daughter's rehearsal dinner.
- Aw.
- Not finished.
When he puked and passed out.
And I take back my "Aw."
He's gonna be okay, right?
The wedding's tomorrow.
Sweet girl,
I wouldn't miss that wedding for anything.
My dad missed my wedding because
his college swim team had a reunion.
Had to get my most masculine aunt
to walk me down the aisle.
I know an ayahuasca shaman who could
maybe make a dent in some of that trauma.
Mmm. Yesterday, I heard my shrink
mumble, "Jesus," so yeah,
- I should probably try that.
- Yeah.
[chattering]
Baby, baby, baby, baby, baby.
That's J.D.'s girl. That's J.D.'s girl.
So, you gonna wingman for your boy?
Hold up. You want me
to holler at another woman?
- That sounds like a trap.
- It's not a trap.
Look, J.D. is at our house way too much.
It's like a fifth daughter.
You know what?
You're absolutely right, baby.
And if you want me to dust off
my little player's handbook,
and charm this woman
into sleeping with me,
I'ma do that for us.
That is not what I said.
Hey, ma.
I'ma keep it real with you, shorty.
You fine.
And I saw you trying to get chocolate
at the gift shop and I was like,
"Damn, she got it like that
and she like chocolate."
How about you hook a brother up
and drop those digits into my Sidekick?
What's good?
You're really gonna come at me with that?
That tired early 2000s, "Hey, ma,
shorty this, shorty that" nonsense?
- [Turk] I I was just--
- Let me guess, you had a lame-ass flattop.
My flattop was awesome.
Bet you can't grow one now.
[gasps]
I lost all my game, baby.
It's like my flavor expired.
I know, it's adorable.
[J.D.] It was her. I knew what I had
to do, although I am a bit rusty.
Wait, Turk taught me what to say.
Hey, shorty, you fine.
Let me holler at you.
Wait. Is it "holler" or "challah"?
What are you doing?
I'm practicing things to say,
so hopefully I can meet a new woman again.
Oh, I think I can speak for all women
when I say maybe try dudes.
- Can I help you with something?
- Actually, you can.
I don't think Perry respects you
as a doctor.
You know, he's refusing any
of the blood tests you ordered.
Why? It's just a little prick,
and it lasts two minutes.
Aw, is that why Elliot left you?
Goodbye.
Hey, Jordan, long time no see.
I know, and I'm so grateful.
Will you accept
the still-mean-and-hot five?
I will.
[sighs] Look at that.
Hopeless, overwhelmed by death,
each one of them with the slouched,
defeated posture of intern burnout.
My money's on TikTok Doc to snap first.
- Oh, my God, what is wrong with you?
- You're right.
Fairy Potter's about seconds away
from dropping out of Hogwarts.
Look, I almost called it
when I was an intern.
Dr. Kelso used to leave business cards
in my locker
for strip clubs he thought could use
a "crying blonde."
[chuckles]
So I'm not gonna bet against these kids.
I'm going to help them.
[Kevin] Good luck with that.
[scoffs]
Look, you guys,
I know it's been a really crappy day,
but I want to try and get a dad
to his daughter's wedding. Who's in?
[all muttering]
Okay, how's this?
You have to help.
Should have been a stripper.
Tried it, not as fun as it sounds.
What is going on?
Do you not respect me as a doctor?
I've been trying to tell you that
for 20 years,
and you finally get it.
I am so very proud of you.
What the hell, man?
Why didn't you get those tests?
I'm going to let you in
on a little something.
If you tap on the wall back there,
you will find Kelso's secret stash
of porn from the '30s.
Have you ever watched a naughty
movie set to old-timey piano music?
[piano plays]
[J.D.] Nope.
Quit being a pain in the ass
and tell me what is going on.
Fine. I think the treatment is working,
and I feel okay right now.
If I go ahead and get these tests,
and they tell me something different,
that all goes away.
Listen to me.
I truly believe that going
into these things
with a positive headspace makes
a complete difference.
You're the one who taught me this,
so you need
to turn your whole attitude around
and go get those tests,
and you do respect me as a doctor.
Okay.
Okay to everything I said?
The attitude and the test thing.
If I started to respect you,
I'd have to go ahead
and have them drain all the blood out
of me because dementia will have set in.
This has been a lovely
patient-doctor conference.
[whistles] Out of my office.
It's actually my office, but we'll save
that fight for another time.
Get out!
Oh, boy, it's 2000s guy.
I'm sorry, I know my husband
came off a little creepy earlier.
- He tried to pick me up.
- If I was trying to pick you up,
- you would've got picked.
- Calm down.
Okay.
Look, we think you're so lovely, and--
Let me stop you, okay?
No judgment on your lifestyle,
but I'm pretty traditional.
I'm really just looking
for a nice, sensitive guy
who would rather watch a musical
than a football game.
- [gasps] You are.
- Oh, my God, you're perfect.
Can't you just please come upstairs
with us?
It'll only take a couple of minutes.
I'm gonna walk away, and if you follow me,
I'm going to yell, "Stranger danger."
And I'm short enough where
people think I'm a child all the time.
[sighs] Looks like we're gonna have to
find another hot lady to have sex with us.
Are you out of your damn mind?
Okay, team, what's our goal?
To get Mr. Jensen to the wedding. Whoo!
Oh. Can I get some whoos
from the rest of you?
- D-train does the whoos for the group.
- Whoo!
Fine. He has a possible bowel obstruction.
What do we need to do?
Get him to mobilize his intestines
on his own?
Correct. And when will we know
if that happens?
When he, as you all say, passes gas.
Everything comes down to poo and toots.
Blake, Tosh, get him on neostigmine.
Asher, get a stat CT.
Amara, Dashana, drop an NG tube.
We have got this.
[all] Whoo.
Aw. Feeling left out?
You shouldn't have established yourself
as the mean one.
Now you don't get to kiki
in the group chat.
Yeah, I think you're the biggest bitch
in the building.
Sweetie, I may be bitchy,
but I love those children. Watch this.
Tosh, your hair is trash today.
Go fix yourself in the mirror, honey.
You look like you've spent the night
on all fours.
Okay, vibes.
- I wish. Clock it. [laughs]
- Clock it, baby.
You've got all that IQ, and you're still
too stupid to see you're plain old mean.
Now watch me walk.
Don't panic. I found a bomb.
That's a toaster.
I know it's a toaster.
Could I turn it into an exploding toaster?
Yes, have done many a time.
- Why?
- Mostly to avoid paying debt.
Look, in a hospital
with compressed oxygen,
this is basically a bomb.
You want to pass
your inspection next month, don't you?
- Yes.
- Okay.
Get rid of all those open containers,
and cutting down on rats
by 10% always helps.
You know what? I don't believe you're
on the Joint Commission for one second,
so let's give them a ring.
Oh, no, I'm caught.
- [phone ringing]
- Hold that, I have to take this.
Hello, Joint Commission, please
listen closely as our menu has changed.
For movie times, press one.
For two, press five.
[sighs]
Hey, don't you walk away from me.
I care about this place.
Blonde doctor, bald doctor.
Todd, didn't like him.
So we decompressed him.
We gave him meds to stimulate peristalsis.
Now we wait for what? Tosh.
[British accent] We wait for him to toot.
[normal voice] Was that good?
- It was absolutely horrible.
- [Dubois] Oh. Dr. Reid.
- [gasps] Okay.
- So there's no obstruction.
[J.D.] Finally, something I hadn't seen
on my interns' faces in a long time,
a little joy.
- [monitor beeping]
- Wait, what's happening?
Complete heart block.
- Set up a transvenous pacing wire.
- [daughter] Dad?
[J.D.] But it never seems
to last around here.
["Way I Go" plays]
Feel heavily ♪
No gravity ♪
[phone beeps]
[J.D.] These test results didn't help.
[chuckling] You know what, oldie?
You were right.
I dialed in the positive thinking,
got off my ass, even found the energy
to go kick in the glass
of that vending machine
when it wouldn't give me my SunChips.
So I'm back, baby.
Go ahead, give me the good news.
Perry, unfortunately, your test results
weren't what we were hoping for.
I'm not sure why
but the treatment isn't working.
I'll be damned.
[song ends]
Morning. [sighs]
You get your test results back?
- Not yet.
- Why not? It's been a day.
- What's happening here?
- Just making breakfast.
Jesus, Perry.
Little cream, please.
- Hair of the dog.
- Wow.
[J.D.] I wasn't really awake yet,
so I had no idea
what Dr. Cox meant when he texted me,
"Tell her nothing."
- [thuds]
- Good morning, sunshine.
[J.D.] Now I get it.
Oh. I knew I wouldn't be interrupting you
with a sexually satisfied woman
of any kind, so I jimmied your door open.
And now I got to hire a man
who knows how to use tools to fix that.
If you're the Chief of Medicine,
how come you haven't gotten
Perry's test results back?
[J.D.] Lie, but make it believable.
I'm afraid of confronting people.
Too real.
You should change your pronouns.
Why don't you grow a pair?
Get dressed. You got to drive me home.
I Ubered here
because I'm still a little buzzy
from my morning coffee.
[slurps]
The stress that the bowel obstruction put
on your body
uncovered a heart condition
that luckily is very treatable.
That's the good news.
Dr. Turk.
You really gonna make me do the bad news?
[Elliot] Just shut up and do it, Turk.
I know it's your daughter's wedding day,
but that pacemaker needs to go in today.
I want you to go ahead with your wedding.
No, we'll postpone.
We'll give you two a minute.
[Elliot sighs]
You guys did a great job treating
Mr. Jensen, so I want a whoo.
- I'm not feeling it.
- [Turk] D-train, come on.
Whoo.
Yeah, totally not worth it.
Sometimes, I hate this place.
- Sometimes, I do too.
- [Turk] Hmm.
Sorry you guys couldn't get your patient
to the wedding.
- And?
- And nothing.
I'm being nice.
Wait a second.
Why can't we just have the wedding here?
I'm not taking him to the OR
for a few hours.
Have the wedding in this hospital?
That's disgusting.
We got married in this hospital, Kevin.
Oh, well, then it's beautiful.
If you guys need any help,
just let me know.
You know what?
If this is what being nice is like,
then I'm going back to being a bitch.
Hey, why doesn't Jordan know
about your test results?
Same reason I watched
the Michael Jordan documentary
eight minutes at a time on the toilet.
So she never sees me tear up.
Turk did the exact same thing,
but I could hear him whimpering.
I need to be strong
and invulnerable for her,
and you should understand that.
It's the same thing you always wanted me
to be for you,
and while I resent you for it,
I don't mind when she does it
because, on occasion,
she lets me have sex with her.
Do you know what's better than sex?
Emotional intimacy.
Would you like to say that again out loud?
- No, I don't like the way it came out.
- So look it.
Next time you see us, just go ahead
and act like you're saying this
for the first time
and I'll be prepared to be strong.
I will not lie.
But I will perform.
While I ruminated
about getting into character,
I took solace in the fact
that the interns had finally gotten a win.
And by the power vested in me
by a very progressive online church
- [all chuckle]
- I now pronounce you husband and wife.
You may kiss your bride.
[J.D.] It's easy to get used to
the feeling that the hospital is a place
where only bad things happen.
So if you can make something
beautiful happen there
Well, it really makes a difference.
Good job.
Elliot had shown them how
to find light in the darkness.
[shutter clicking]
[Amara] Smile!
[J.D.] As fun as this was,
it was time to perform.
The numbers aren't what we hoped for.
I'm sorry.
- [sighs]
- Perry.
Now, Jordan, honey, I can always tell
when you're getting emotional, and don't.
[chuckles] I'm all good.
Even as a patient,
you teach me how to be a better doctor.
Nailed it.
You are welcome. The fight starts today.
Here we go, Jordan.
Wait.
My BS detector is beeping louder than
when you say you like to hear my dreams.
- He's mean to me in my dreams.
- Same.
So you guys knew
about this the whole time?
Twelve summers at theater camp,
and that's the best you can do?
- I mostly did costumes.
- What the hell, Perry?
I'm-I'm sorry, I just
I love the way you see me,
and I didn't want to lose that.
If it helps,
I've always seen you as a whiny baby man.
[sighs]
Why don't you let me be
the strong one for once?
[smacks lips] Okay.
If you stare at us any longer,
we're gonna have to start charging you.
I just want what you guys have.
It'll never happen.
- You don't have the pain threshold.
- Mm-mmm.
[J.D.] Doesn't matter.
Nothing can kill my mood.
Oh, hey, this is a different toaster
that I got for you as a gift.
Don't plug it in here.
- Wait till you get home.
- No, thank you.
Well, I'll just put it under your car.
[J.D.] Run away. Any room.
I have a patient to see.
- "Couple of"
- Hello.
Hello. Hi. It's you.
- Hi, I'm, uh, uh
- Charlie. [chuckles]
- J.D., very nice to meet you. Officially.
- Nice to meet you. [chuckles]
Uh. Oh, right, Grandma,
remember the cute guy
I told you about that stole my lady candy?
[J.D.] Okay, time to challah at her.
Hey, if you're free later, how do you feel
about maybe being my plus-one to
a complete stranger's wedding reception?
["I Melt With You (7" Mix)" plays]
I think I'm starting
to remember what fun is.
The second from the right.
I'd love to be her bad decision
for the evening.
[groans] The second from the right's been
eyeing me since the ceremony.
No.
Take notes.
- She just took your girl.
- [Blake] Hmm.
Come on, let's dance.
Two pints of the Penny's pale ale, please.
- How about you? Do you want to dance?
- I don't really dance.
Cool.
What? [chuckles]
Blame that on the alcohol.
- Our drinks haven't arrived yet.
- Shiggidy.
Uh. Okay.
I really like you.
I have since day one.
I just think
you're really sweet and funny,
and I think you deserve someone
who also thinks that,
and that's this lady. [chuckles]
- Photo booth?
- Photo booth. [chuckles]
["Wake Me Up (Radio Edit)" plays]
Oh, just a heads up, my ex is here,
but we're super close.
It won't be awkward.
- Wow, she's beautiful.
- Yeah.
What was she like in bed?
- Seriously? [chuckles]
- It was a joke.
Oh, my God, you are wound so tight.
I'm getting you a drink. What do you want?
[J.D.] Don't say appletini.
A man beer, please.
- That was smooth.
- Yeah.
- You want me to sneak you an appletini?
- I was just about to text you.
A little alcohol really does loosen
some people up.
[guests cheering, whistling]
Turk needs to go to his gym.
["Sweet Thing" plays]
[J.D.] That's the thing about our world.
No matter how hard it gets,
we're here for each other.
We pick each other up,
cry with each other.
We even make some bad decisions.
Even though I was only pretending to like
what tasted like
the urine of a large bear,
my smile was real.
[phone beeps]
And of course, if someone
in the family is struggling, we're there.
I-I have to go check on a patient.
It's kind of important.
Can I call you later?
Oh, you think I'm going to be turned on
because you have to go save a life?
Well, you're right. [chuckles]
- Call me later.
- I will call you later.
Don't meet anyone.
[laughs]
[J.D.] Dr. Cox had asked me to come back
to Sacred Heart and make a difference.
And I don't know yet if I have.
But as I look back
at my students and my friends
I felt such gratitude for the difference
this job had made in me.
And now it was time to show up for the man
who could finally admit he needed me.
[phone beeps]
"Sorry, that wasn't for you."
[scoffs]
Too late.
[song ends]
So you were just gonna leave
without saying goodbye?
[J.D.] I was hoping to.
I left a list of things that need fixing
with this young man.
I would like you to meet my son.
[chuckles] Hey, Dr. D.
[J.D.] Maintenance Guy
is the Janitor's son?
Nice. This guy loves me.
That's so great that your dad was able
to get you a job here.
[both] Excuse me.
Are you calling my boy a nepo baby?
Daddy, did he just say I'm a nepo janitor?
- [J.D.] Ruh-roh.
- Yes, Son, he did.
I told you the world is a cruel place.
You don't think
I can get my own job? [chuckles]
You're gonna pay for this.
There you go. Order restored.
I thought we got this.
We don't got this.
[Janitor] Auf Wiedersehen.