Sullivan and Son (2012) s01e09 Episode Script

Can I count nuts, or can I count nuts? How do you do that? How do you look at a bowl of nuts and instantly know how many there are? My mom partied a lot when she was pregnant with me, so the upside is, I always know how many nuts are in a bowl.
What's the downside? Downside of what? What are we talking about? Wow.
It's good to be back home.
Hey, Jo! Oh, my God.
Is that Aunt Jo? I'm afraid so, son.
Jack, Jack, you promised if she ever came back, I could kill her.
Jack, how's my older, now slightly heavier brother? And, Ok Cha, still radiant.
Jo, we had an agreement.
You were supposed to stay away from this bar.
Look, I get it.
The last time I was here, some bad stuff went down.
I'm sorry, and I promise I've changed.
I don't run scams anymore.
Jo-Jo, I love you, but we heard it all before.
This time, it's real, Jack.
I just came to make amends, see my family, and say hello.
Hello.
Goodbye.
Be a stranger.
Fine.
I get it.
I'll go.
Can I at least give my nephew a hug? - Hey, Aunt Jo.
- Hi, little Stevie.
You believe your aunt can change, don't you? - You took my wallet, didn't you? - Yes, I did.
But I wasn't gonna keep it.
It's a party trick now.
Just for kicks.
I want my cellphone, too.
I wasn't keeping that, either.
da, da da da, da da da, da, da da da, da da da, da da da da da da, da da da, da da da da da, da da da, da da da, hey! Hank, I dragged you into that Herbalife pyramid thing.
To make it up to you, here's a box of your favorite cigars.
I love them! I smoke one a day! How do you think I got this voice? And, Carol, I know I sold you a couple of fake watches.
To make it up to you, I got you this designer purse.
Ooh! Wait a minute.
Is this a fake? Yes.
Look, I got one myself.
We're two ladies with fake bags.
Speak for yourself, honey.
Mine are real.
Jack, Ok Cha, I know I've borrowed money over the years I didn't pay back.
I don't even know how much.
$1,428.
67.
Well, that's why I'm here.
To pay you back with interest.
that would be That should cover it.
Anyone else here I've bilked? I never got my green card.
Oh, right.
Um Yeah, that's not gonna happen.
But we got married.
Sorry, that was a fake priest.
At least we had real sex.
A lot of that was fake too.
I got to say, Aunt Jo, it seems like you're doing okay.
I'm better than okay.
It took me a while to get my act together, but I finally found my calling.
Well, whatever you're doing, I just hope it's all legit.
I'm an odds maker.
I handicap sporting events for casinos in Vegas.
Odds, casinos, Vegas? The very building blocks of legit.
It's all legal, Jack, and I'm good at it.
I've studied all the trends, the statistics.
I know how to pick the winners.
Turn on the racing network.
You see that horse running right now, number 14? That's Horse's Ass, because he always comes from behind.
Watch.
And into the final turn, it's below your quote, followed by Green Envelope, and here comes Horse's Ass on the rail! Green envelope, Horse's Ass, and at the wire, it'sHorse's Ass! Awesome.
Who's got skills? - What were the odds on that horse? - 40 to 1.
You got any more picks where that came from? Yeah, who you like in tonight's game? I'd take Arizona and the points.
Hi, Jo.
Well, Melanie.
I'm so glad your face got over that cream I sold you.
So, you're taking Arizona.
New York has won five in a row.
No way they're losing at home.
Hey, when Arizona plays away on Thursday nights on natural turf in their throwback uniforms, they have a 4-to-1 turnover ratio against the opposition.
Thanks.
Oh, my God.
A woman who understands football.
You're like a unicorn, but with a hot rack.
Well, thank you.
What's your name, button cheeks? Uh, it's uh, it's uh, Doug, but I'll change it to anything you want.
Nice to meet you, Doug.
So, are you available? For what? Like, yard work? Hey, Jo! I like what you're saying about Arizona.
I'm gonna put some of my hard-earned cash on them.
Hey, Roy, can I borrow some of your hard-earned cash? Yeah, I'm gonna put some of my money on them, too.
You know what? Me, too.
Great.
I know a bookie in town, and he'll take the action.
- Give me your money.
- Here she goes.
They're giving her money.
Steve, these are your customers.
You can't let someone cheat your customers.
Only you can cheat your customers.
- Is this okay, Jack? - Don't ask me.
You'll have to ask the new owner.
Little Stevie, you own the bar now? I used to babysit you.
Remember when I almost lost you in that poker game? Thank God I filled that full house or you'd be living with that Armenian family.
That explains why, to this day, I'm terrified of infants with five o'clock shadows.
Well, congratulations.
You own the bar.
How'd you win it? I bought itwith money that I earned.
And I'm sorry, Aunt Jo, but I don't want any betting in the bar.
Aw, come on, man.
Seriously? What's your problem? I get it.
Here's your money back.
It's your bar.
And no offensethere's no way Arizona's winning tonight.
Arizona is totally winning.
Yeah.
They're up 16 in the 4th quarter.
We could have won this bet.
Hey, hey.
The game is far from over.
All New York needs is a turnover, two recovered onside kicks for two touchdowns, and a field goal.
Like that's gonna happen in a minute and 12 seconds.
Well, let's just hope New York doesn't share that negative attitude.
- Jo, that was great.
- Thanks.
I never had a woman buy me dinner on the first date before.
And I've never had a guy take me to his parents' grave site on the first date.
Well, that's it.
Arizona won.
Really? Wow.
This guy's 100 bucks richer.
- Thank you, Jo.
- Anytime.
- You put money down? - Yeah, yeah.
I trust this little lady.
And my parents love her.
I must say, Doug is looking very sexy tonight.
Give me your car keys.
You are unfit to drive.
No, I'm serious.
Check him out in those relaxed-fit jeans and that blousey t-shirt.
Break me off a piece of that.
What's happening to me? I'll tell you what.
You're suddenly interested in Doug because Jo's interested in Doug.
That's not true.
You know, sometimes you just see somebody, it's like you're looking at him for the first time.
How does he look to you? Minutes from death.
Great.
Jo was right about Arizona.
You cost us some serious cash, Steve.
Well, I'm sorry.
I just didn't want you guys to lose your money.
We would have won money.
Doug won 100 bucks.
Doug? He's not supposed to win anything.
We count on Doug to lose so that we can feel better about ourselves.
Listen, Jo, do you have another one of those tips you could throw our way? Yeah, we want in on them.
Yeah.
I'd love to, but it makes my brother and Steve uncomfortable, and that's the last thing I want to do.
Come on, Steve, let her.
Yeah, we never have somebody on the inside, and now we do.
Don't blame him.
He has no reason to trust me.
I did some bad stuff, and I regret it.
Dad, you have to admit, Aunt Jo seems like a different person.
I mean, I think she deserves a second chance.
She's had a million second chances.
A tiger doesn't change its stripes.
Well, maybe this one did.
Hey, Aunt Jo, what's your tip? The third race at Saratoga, there's a horse, four o'clock pickle.
He's 15 to 1.
Take him to win.
It's supposed to rain in upstate New York, and he's great in the mud.
I'm great in the mud.
I was mud-wrestling champion at Cabo Wabo.
I pinned Sammy Hagar in two seconds.
Okay, uh, I'm on for $100.
- Yes! - Let's do it.
If we all pool our money, we can make a killing.
Yeah, I like the sound of "Four O'clock Pickle.
" Are you sure? Aunt Jo, you're family, and I trust you.
Thank you.
Excuse me.
Is this seat taken? Uh, yeah.
Jo's sitting there.
No, I mean this seat.
Whoa.
Uh, wh-wh-what are you doing? Oh, come on, Doug.
You and I have been sitting at the bar stools for years, looking at each other.
Oh, we have? Uh, I mean, I know I've been looking at you, but I-I thought you didn't even notice me.
Of course I've noticed you! Oh! What's that? It's a miracle of modern science for a guy with a resting heart rate of 263.
If it lasts more than four hours, I'm supposed to call my doctor.
Oh! Don't bother.
He'll refer you to me.
Hey, mom.
I'm doing a 20-mile walk-a-thon to support the arts in public schools.
Will you sponsor me? I will if it's a one-way.
You know what, Susan? You don't have to put up with that.
You're right.
I don't.
Just curious.
Why don't I have to put up with that? Because your mother should treat you with courtesy and respect.
Susan, don't wear white.
You look like a giant Korean marshmallow.
Your mother's always been this way relentless.
The only way to get her to back down is to stand up to her.
Hey, mom? Yes? I want you to stop criticizing me.
I'm a grown woman, and I deserve your respect.
I know you're talking, but all I can think of is, I want a Graham cracker, a bar of chocolate, and a roaring campfire.
I am not fat, okay? I went to the doctor, and he said my body mass index is perfectly fine.
Susan, the man at the Cinnabon is not a doctor.
I know to you he feels like a lifesaver.
That's enough.
Do you understand? I put up with this my whole life, and I am done.
What do you want me to be? Just be a normal, supportive mom.
Now I understand.
You want me to be a normal, American mother.
Yes.
The kind who says, "you're average, and I celebrate that.
" The kind who says "follow your dreams," and looks forward to the day when you say at work, "I have a caramel macchiato for Scott.
" Well, hello, Douglas.
Nice suit.
Hi, sweetie.
Hey, uh, ladies, your man has had a long day, uh, collecting tolls.
He just needs to unwind and have a beer.
How hard can it be? He's got the same job as a basket.
My aunt and Carol are fighting over Doug? If I walk outside right now, will it be raining frogs? Hey, Roy, how much money do we have down on the race? $1,254 at 15 to 1 odds makes that, Owen? $18,810 or 376,200 nickels or 940 20s and a 10 spot.
How did you manage to fail math? Two words weed.
And they're off! Out of the gate, it's Scotch Egg and let's get there into the lead.
And Four O'clock Pickle is bringing up the rear.
Go, Four O'clock Pickle! Go! He's gonna win! He's gonna win! Four O'clock Pickle by a nose! Did Jo-Jo call it or what? What do we do now, Jo? Well, simple.
I go to the guy and pick up your money.
I bring it back, and you guys divvy it up.
Sound good? Yeah! Go get our money.
When I come back, you guys will be $18,000 richer.
We love Jo! We love Jo! We love Jo! We love Jo! We love Jo! We love Jo.
We love Jo.
Who is Jo? She said, "be back in a jiff," right? 'Cause this is starting to feel like a long-ass jiff.
She's not coming back, is she? She collected our winnings and took off.
Oh, it kills me.
I got two hours left on this thing.
$18,000 gone like that.
I had big plans for that money, too.
I was gonna take that money, and I was gonna hide it from my wife.
And then what? I was just gonna bask in that for a while.
So, with Jo gone, I guess Doug's not quite as appealing? That's not true, Hank.
I'm not that superficial.
I didn't want Doug because Jo wanted Doug.
I wanted Doug because he's He's I've lost the thread here.
Why did I want Doug back again? Well, you better figure it out, 'cause here he comes now.
Hi, Carol.
Now that Jo's gone, I guess it's just, uh, me and you.
Well, we don't know that she's gone.
I mean, we won't know that for years.
W-what are you talking about, Carol? I'm sorry, Doug, but women are competitive.
And when I saw Jo going after you, I guess in the fog of war, I-I just started to see you in a brand-new way.
And now that the fog is lifted You see me in the same, old way.
Well, yes and no.
Look how much you've changed since yesterday.
I mean, you got the snazzy suit on, you got a little swagger in your walk.
Well, t-that's going away in two hours.
What I'm saying is, you've got confidence.
Women love that.
Hold onto that.
I have to.
It's going away in two hours.
Doug, there's a lot of beautiful women in this bar.
Go get 'em.
That was a nice thing you just did.
Poor soul.
God bless his clogged heart.
You know, he's not really my type, but there's somebody out there for him, and I'm really rooting for that.
Well, you might get your wish.
Take a look.
Who is that stupid whore? You want to know who I feel really bad for? Steve.
He trusted his aunt, and he feels like this is all his fault.
Where is Steve, anyway? Going somewhere, Aunt Jo? How'd you find me? Well, I knew you'd want to leave town fast.
That means the airport.
Knew you were going to Vegas.
That meant this flight.
My nephew is smart.
Yeah, I don't feel very smart right now.
How can you do this? I didn't mean to, Stevie, I swear.
I was planning on picking up the money and coming right back to the bar.
But when I had the money in my hands, this thing happened that always happens.
It's a rush.
It's a sickness.
No.
The flu is a sickness.
This is you ripping us off.
I'm sorry.
I'm a grifter.
It's what I am.
I couldn't even stop myself from taking that lady's cellphone.
Excuse me.
This is yours.
You got a text.
The test results are positive.
I hope that's good news.
And that rush is more important to you than family? Here's a picture of you and my dad as kids at the old lake house.
I can still hear mom yelling, "no swimming until an hour after lunch!" Oh.
And here's one of us all on Christmas morning.
Are you okay, Aunt Jo? I'm fine.
Look, I know I may not be your favorite aunt, but believe me, I'm doing you a favor.
I could have taken your friends for a hell of a lot more money.
Desert Star Airlines, flight That's me.
You're better than this, Aunt Jo.
You know what, Stevie? I really wish I was.
Hey, guys.
Hey, Steve, where you been? Well, I tracked Aunt Jo down to try to get your money back.
- Kid, it's a lost cause.
- I know.
But I want Sullivan & Son to be a place where people aren't worried about getting scammed.
I'm sorry.
I let you guys down.
Steve, it's not your fault.
Yeah, it's okay, buddy.
Actually, it is okay.
'Cause I got your money back! How'd you pull it off? Well, I tracked her down at the airport, and it took some, uh, Asian smarts and some Irish balls.
I tried to appeal to Aunt Jo to do the right thing, and when that didn't work, I had to create a diversion.
So I showed her a picture of dad and Jo at the lake house.
Oh, I loved that place.
We had one of those tire swings that would drop you off right in the middle of the lake.
Hey, Roy, you gonna eat those pretzels? Can I please finish my story? Sorry, buddy.
Speak.
I waited for just the right moment to make my move, and there it was.
I switched Aunt Jo's purse with Carol's.
She never saw it coming.
I may have gotten a little carried away with the celebration.
Sorry about your purse, Carol.
Oh, don't worry about it, honey.
I didn't have anything in there except a roll of breath mints and some personal items.
Here you go, Susan.
Just like every American mother, I made you peanut-butter, jelly sandwich.
If it would be easier for you, I could chew it first and then spit it in your mouth.
Stop it, mom, okay? This is creepy.
I want my old Korean mom back.
Just please stop criticizing me all the time.
I don't criticize you all the time.
Yes, you do.
You call me fat, and I'm not fat.
You're not fat because I call you fat.
And you call me stupid, and I'm not stupid.
You're not stupid because I call you stupid.
Starting to see a pattern here? Oh, my God.
So, this is your sick, twisted way of loving me? Yes.
I find that better than physical touch.
Yeah, well, don't expect me to use any of these techniques on my children.
That is because you're a bad mother.
I know what that means.
You say I'm a bad mother so I wonbe a bad mother.
No.
You could take that one at face value.
I raise my glass to a mind so devious that I no longer fear earth's inevitable invasion by scary bugs from another planet.
To Steve Sullivan! Steve Sullivan! You did good, kid.
I don't know, dad.
I got taken.
Ah, never apologize for trusting people, especially family.
But you warned me, dad.
Everybody's got to learn for himself.
One day, God willing, you'll have a son, and he'll run this bar, and Aunt Jo will show up, and he'll have to learn it, too.
Well, thanks, dad.
It's a funny thing.
You can't pick family like you do your friends.
But if I could, I'd pick you any day.
Back at you, dad.
For the record, mom, if I could, I'd pick someone else.
Nice.
You're learning.