The Andy Griffith Show (1960) s01e09 Episode Script

( whistling sprightly tune)
starring Andy Griffith
with Ronny Howard.
( doorbell buzzing)
( yawning)
Gee, Aunt Bee, what does
he always have to wear this for?
Opie, when people come
to the Justice of the Peace
in the middle of the
night to get married
they expect him
to look like this.
It makes for good
talking afterwards.
Come along, Andy.
( doorbell buzzing)
Here you are.
Coming! Just a minute.
( clearing throat)
Howdy.
Evening, ma'am.
I'm sorry to be so late.
I, uh i mean, she
We want to get married.
Oh, are you sure?
Are you absolutely,
positively sure?
We're dead sure, ma'am.
Here's the license.
Mm-hmm.
Come along then.
Andy, these young
people want to get married.
Evening, Sheriff.
Evening.
You want to get married, do you?
Well, this license
Josh Josh and Hannah.
Well
well, just join hands then.
No, right hands.
Both right hands.
That's right.
Uh, Aunt Bee, you ready?
All ready.
( playing "Wedding March")
Dearly beloved
we are gathered together here
in the sight of this company
to join together
this man and woman
in holy matrimony.
Hannah! Paw!
If you've just become
this here fella's wife,
you better take a look at him,
'cause in just a second,
you're goin' to be his widow.
Paw
Sheriff.
Well, somehow I
get the impression
that you don't
take too favorable
to this fine-lookin' young
fella here for a son-in-law.
Favorable? Do you know
who this fine-lookin', lowdown
sneaking varmint is, Sheriff?
Sheriff!
If you've said the
words that hitched 'em
you'd better find words
to unhitch 'em right now.
I don't know why I
just get the feelin'
this ain't a very
popular marriage here.
Now look here, Mr. Wakefield
as Justice of the
Peace, it's my duty
Wakefield and Carter!
Great jumping gosh almighty!
Now I don't want
no feuding in here.
I love her real bad, Paw.
Love her?
I'm gonna hit you
right in the mouth.
Us Wakefields been feudin'
them Carters for 87 years.
You want to go
messing it up now?
Hannah, you forgettin'
you're a Carter?
What are you tryin' to do?
I'm tryin' to get married
and have a nice family.
That's what I'm trying to do
You hush up, Hannah.
It ain't the duty
of the Carters'
to bring anymore
Wakefields into this world.
It's our duty to send as many
of them as we can out of it.
Now let's git.
Sheriff, it don't matter
what her name is
Wakefield or Carter.
We're both more than 18.
It's your bound
and duty to marry us
if we ask you to.
Well, now the boy's
got hisself a point there
but you all have
got a better point.
Come on.
Come on!
Well, that was a
whole lot of fun.
I declare, I'd better
get out of this outfit.
I'm beginning to feel
like Dopey the dwarf.
Mornin', Opie.
Mornin', Aunt Bee.
I says, uh
I says, mornin', Opie,
and mornin', Aunt Bee.
Well, now being a sheriff
which is a kind of a detective
let me see if I can deduce
why I'm gettin' the cold
shoulder this mornin'.
Now, you was, you
was friendly enough
'fore we went to bed last night
but you're mighty
unfriendly this morning.
So it must be
somethin' that happened
between goin' to bed
and gettin' up, is that right?
You let them scare you, Paw.
Who?
Oh, Wakefield and Carter?
Is that what you think?
Oh, Andy, what can a body think?
You lettin' those
stubborn old fools
bluff you out of marrying
those two lovin' youngsters.
If they wanted hitchin', then
it was up to you to hitch 'em.
Why didn't you hitch 'em, Paw?
Well, I guess I
coulda hitched 'em
but I just got to studyin'
what might happen
after the hitchin'.
Huh?
Well, you see, this
ain't the first time
that despisin' families
had their young 'uns
to take to one another.
It ain't?
No. Why, I guess about the worse
that ever happened was in a tale
that was wrote a long time ago
by a fella named
William Shakespeare
that lived over
in the old country.
You wouldn't want
to hear about that
early this mornin', would you?
Yeah!
You would?
Well, now, let's see
if I can figure how it went.
Now, let's see.
Well, now, it's about
It's about this boy and girl
named Romeo and Juliet
that was in love of one another
just like Josh and Hannah
only their daddies
didn't get along either
and what Romeo used
to do to see Juliet
He'd put on a disguise
and go on over to her house
and he was over
there this night.
He was over there standin'
round the punch bowl
and havin' a good time
and he seen
He seen Juliet come
down these high steps
and he was so struck by her
that he give a
soliloquy right there.
What's a soliloquy, Paw?
Well, a soliloquy is
where you kind of look
away off and kind
of talk to yourself.
Oh.
They used to do that
a whole lot back then.
You do it today
and somebody'll take you away.
But that's what he was a-doin'
and this fellow, Tybalt
a cousin of Juliet's
come upon him with
his sword drawed
ready to pick a fight
with him right there
but Juliet's daddy, he
didn't want no bloodshed
right there in his living room
so all he done,
he run Romeo off
but Romeo didn't
go straight home.
He didn't?
No.
He went out
and hid in the yard
and after while,
he seen this light
come on over
yonder, and he says
He-he says, "Hark."
They said "hark" a
whole lot back then.
He says, "Hark, what light
by yonder winder shines?"
Well, Juliet, she stepped out
onto this stoop right then,
and she give a soliloquy
and somewhere in it,
somewhere in it she says
she says, "Romeo, Romeo"
she says, "wherefore
art thou, Romeo?"
Well, he popped up and
says, "I'm right chere."
And that's where they had
that balcony scene.
And she got to talkin' to him.
She says, uh, she says, "Hon"
she says, "Hon, why
"why don't you deny your daddy
and change your name?"
And he answered her right back.
He says, "You can
change the name of a rose
but you can't do
nothing about the smell."
Well, they decided right then
they'd get married
and they went over to
Friar Laurence's house.
He was the Justice of the Peace
in the town in that day.
Well, he married 'em,
and he told Romeo
that he ought to
go off and lay low
till he could explain
things to their daddies
and Romeo did he went off
and before that Friar
Laurence could do that
why, Juliet's mama
took a great notion
that Juliet ought to get married
to this other fellow
and kind of forget about Romeo
and then Juliet was in a bind
and she went over
to Friar Laurence
and he mixed her up
a drink and she drunk it
and it put her to sleep
and everybody
thought she was dead.
Oh, they had
the prettiest funeral for her
Phew, folks cryin'
and carryin' on
and they laid her
out in this family tomb
and before Friar Laurence
could get word to Romeo
that she wasn't really dead,
some of them mean boys
that lived in that
town told him that she was dead
and Romeo, he figured life
didn't hold nothin' for him
and he went out and he got him
this big can of lye to drink
and he went over there
to where Juliet was laid out
and he kissed her.
Let me tell you
that boy kissed her
flat on the mouth.
He says, "with this kiss
I die."
And he drunk the lye
and he fell out
across her to die
and, uh, he was He
was a big boy for his age
and the impact
of him a-fallin' on
her woke Juliet up
and she woke up and seen
Romeo a-layin' dead there
and she took his pocketknife
and run it into herself
and she expired.
And, you see, their daddies
could have saved theirselves
the expense of a double funeral
if they would have
just let them had
a cheap wedding.
You see, they didn't know that
till it was too late
and so before I marry
these two young 'uns
I wanna be sure that
everything's all right
with everybody
all the way around.
Now, you understand
that, do you?
Boy, that Romeo and Juliet
would sure make a good TV show.
Yeah, I reckon it would at that.
Well, it breaks my heart
to see those two lovin'
youngsters kept apart.
Yeah.
I tell you the truth.
If I'd have been Friar Laurence
I believe I'd have
done things different.
How?
Well, instead of marryin'
them two young 'uns
hopin' that that
would end the feud
I believe I would
have tried to end
the feud first and
then a-married 'em.
Of course.
How you goin' to do it, Andy?
Well, now, if Friar
Laurence had knowed
what started the
feud in the first place
anyhow, I's a-thinkin'
that's somethin'
Friar Andy ought to
look into and right now.
Andy! You haven't
had your breakfast yet.
Good-bye, good-bye.
Parting is such sweet sorrow
that I would say
good-bye till it be morrow.
What does that mean?
Well, that means I would love
to sit and jaw with
you a while longer
but I got to be a-moving on.
( gunshots)
Mr. Wakefield!
Howdy, Sheriff.
Are you doin' feudin'-shootin'
or huntin'-shootin'?
Feudin'-shootin'.
Well, now, you must have a pair
of mighty sharp eyes there.
I don't see no Carters.
You don't?
No, I don't.
I was afraid of that.
Pull ya up a chair.
Have ya a drink of water.
All right.
Sorry about puttin' the
gun on you last night, Sheriff
but a fella's got
a responsibility
to see that his young 'uns
is brung up right, ain't he?
Of course, he does.
Don't worry a thing about it.
At times a fella gets
mighty discouraged.
You tries and you tries to
teach 'em right from wrong
but this late generation
just plain ain't got no
respect for their elders.
Well, now, I don't know, now.
Maybe your reason for
feudin' with the Carters
just don't seem strong
enough to young Josh.
No, it ain't that.
How you know it ain't?
'Cause he don't know the reason.
He don't? You mean,
you ain't never told him?
Nope.
Well, how come?
'Cause I don't know
the reason.
You mean your pa
never did tell you?
Nope.
Well, why?
Well, it could be because
he didn't know
the reason, either.
Well, who was the last Wakefield
that did know the reason?
Well, must have
been his grandpa.
Well, then, how come
he didn't pass along the reason?
Well, it could be
the time his young 'un got
old enough to join the feudin'
that my great-grandpa
just clear-like forgot it.
Well, I'll be dogged.
Now, do you mean to tell me
that you've been a-carryin'
on a feud for four generations
without knowing why?
Why not?
Well, I don't know.
It just seems to me
if I was gonna
take a shot at a fella
it'd pass my mind
to ask what for.
I'll be danged if I know
where you young folks
get all them new-fangled ideas.
Reason, Sheriff?
'Course I know the
reason I'm shootin' at him.
Well, how come?
'Cause he's a Wakefield.
Well, what does
that mean to you?
Well, it means I
got to shoot at him.
Well, why do you
have to shoot at him?
'Cause he's a Wakefield.
Well, why do you have to shoot
at the Wakefields?
'Cause we're feudin'.
Well, why are you feudin'?
'Cause he's a Wakefield.
You know, I don't believe
you're understandin' me.
Now, let's start all over again.
I want to know why you're
feudin' with the Wakefields.
Ohh. 'Cause we're
shootin' at each other.
Why are you
shootin' at each other?
'Cause he's a Wakefield.
Oh. Oh.
'Course.
I'm beginnin' to see what you
was up against, Friar Laurence.
Wait a minute!
Josh, you and
Hannah wait a minute.
I want to talk to you.
It ain't gonna do
you no good, Sheriff.
You can drag us back
but we just gonna run off again.
And one of these days we're
gonna find us a marryin' fella
who ain't afraid of our paws.
But don't you think it
might be a pretty good idea
if you wait just a little while
and see if I can do anything
about ending the feud?
No. Waitin's dangerous.
Well, how's it dangerous?
'Cause one of these days
when a Carter hurts a
Wakefield or a Wakefield a Carter
then Josh and me
is maybe gonna feel
less lovin' for one another.
Well, it don't seem to
have stopped you yet.
That's 'cause it
ain't happened yet.
You mean?
Well, yeah.
Come to think of it, in all
the time I've been a-sheriffin'
I can't remember a single case
where a Wakefield or a Carter
was done in or or anything.
Yeah.
Come on.
Where to?
Well, I just got a hunch
and if Friar Laurence
had a-had that same idea
why, Romeo and
Juliet would have been
a happy married
couple right today.
Huh?
Come on.
You all finding anything?
There's nothing here, Sheriff.
Here's something, Sheriff.
What is it?
Uh, "September 14, 1908.
"Jedadiah Wakefield
admitted to hospital,
wounded."
Wounded how?
Bit in the
a certain place.
Well, who bit him?
His mule, Emmy.
Good. Huh?
Well, just as long
as it wasn't a Carter
that shot him or bit him.
Is there anything else now?
No.
All right, now
you all let Friar Andy
take the next step
and if things work out
the way I think they will
you two young
'uns will be married
quicker than you can say
"William Shakespeare."
Your deputy told me to come
up here and meet you, Sheriff.
What's up, and
what's he doin' here?
Ain't you heard we was feudin'?
Well, yeah, that's what I
wanted to talk to you about
Your feud.
Now I looked up the records
Old sheriff's records
and hospital records
and such as that
for the past 87 years
and do you know what?
What?
They're ain't never been
nary a Wakefield nor a Carter
that was so much as even hit.
It ain't because
we wasn't trying.
Dang Wakefields
keep movin' around.
Well, now I got to
studying about that thing.
Now you know how
folks in these parts feel
about their feudin'.
Now what if it was to get out
that we had a 87-year-old feud
goin' on here with nary
a killin' to show for it?
Why, we'd be the
laughingstock of the state.
Yeah. Now I believe I
believe that we can get done
in just a few minutes
what you boys ain't been
able to get done in 87 years.
All right?
Now just stand
back-to-back here like that.
What are you trying to do?
What kind of feudin's that?
Well, now, that's the way
the French folks used
to settle their arguments.
See, the umpire
Now, that's me;
I'll be the umpire
Would count off to ten,
and the contestants
Now that'll be you
boys Would start walkin'.
And when I get to ten,
why, the contestants
Now, that's you
Why, you swing around
and start a-poppin'
at one another, all right?
Ten, huh?
That's pretty far away.
Wouldn't surprise me a
fella'd miss at that distance.
Yeah.
Yeah. That's why I'm
changin' it to a count of three.
Three?! Three?!
Yeah, now just let me go
over here and check your arms
to be sure that both
of them's all right.
Wouldn't do for one
of you to get a shot
and the other one not get one.
( chuckles)
Yeah, that one's in good shape.
Yeah, mm-hmm.
Yeah, you all each, each have
a equal chance at this thing.
Yeah, just nice.
Just nice, all right?
Good luck now, fellas
and, uh, good-bye.
I reckon you all
will see one another
in that great feudin'
country beyond.
Ready?
One
Fellas, you're, uh,
supposed to walk
when I start countin'.
Well, a fella's legs
gets mighty heavy.
Yeah. Everybody
knows a fella gets our age
first thing that
goes is his legs.
Well, it's just a short walk
and it's the last time
you'll be a-usin' 'em.
All right.
Now here we go.
One
two
Wait!
Now what is it
this time, Carter?
Well, uh, the rules say a
ten step and a ten count
and I think we ought
to stick to the rules.
Yeah, we don't want to
go against the law, Sheriff.
No, we might get in trouble
with the French government.
Yeah, we better play it safe
and stick to the ten.
Or to be sure, 20.
To make it real sure, 50.
Well, now, fellas, I
wouldn't worry about the law
seein' as how I'm
the law in these parts.
Well, I wouldn't
concern myself too much
with the French
government either
because I got me a feelin'
that the impact of the blast
will take care of them
extra seven steps.
All right.
Now
let's start right off in step.
Ready?
One
two
Hold it!
Hold it, Sheriff!
I'll tell you the truth.
If a body didn't know
better, he'd get the feelin'
that you two feud-happy fellas
wasn't so all-fired
hot about feudin'.
No, it ain't that, Sheriff.
I just had a thought.
This being one of
them Frenchy affairs
it'd be fittin' if you
counted in French.
Yeah, and if'n you don't
know how to count in French
we'd oblige you by
waiting until you learn.
Well, now, I appreciate that
but it just happens that
I learned some French
when I was over
there during the war.
All right.
Now step right off.
Ready?
Un
deux
What's the matter?
We don't understand French.
Now lookie here
if you two fellas want to call
off the feud, that's fine by me
but if it's gonna be a-feudin',
there better be some shootin'.
Now what's it gonna be?
All right, it'll be a feud.
Now this time, step off
and when you turn
around, go to shootin'.
You ready?
One
two
( gunshot)
What do you reckon your
young 'uns would have thought
if they'd a-seen you?
They'd a-thought you was
nothin' but a couple of cowards.
Might even change their minds
about wantin' to get married
bein' the young
'uns of such cowards.
Well, now, look
If the Wakefields
and the Carters are such cowards
maybe it's good they
don't even get married.
Yeah, if what you say is true
if the Carters' and
the Wakefields' blood
ever got together,
they'd turn out a coward
like this world
ain't never seen!
A coward's coward.
I got a feelin' you may
be wrong about that thing.
How's that?
Let me show you something.
Josh, you and Hannah
come on out here.
Josh, I been talkin' and
talkin' to Hannah's paw here
but I ain't got
nowhere with him.
He still claims that
if you marry Hannah
why, he's gonna
fill you full of lead.
Now, you go ahead
and tell him what your answer is
and let's get this
thing over with,
one way or the other.
You might as well
shoot now, Mr. Carter.
That's the only way
you're gonna keep me
from marrying Hannah.
And you better shoot
me, too, Mr. Wakefield,
'cause that's the only thing
that's gonna keep me
from bein' your son's wife.
Well, I wish you'd
lookie yonder.
Josh, he's standing right up
to you there, Mr. Carter
and Hannah, she's standing
up to you, Mr. Wakefield.
Now, if that ain't courage
I don't know what courage is.
Why, you mix these two
fine bloods together here
and you two old
buzzards are liable
to get you a grandson
that can't be nothing
in this world but a
natural-born hero.
Why, yes, sir.
Why, you let these
two young 'uns
Now what is it?
You just stop the
blabbering, Sheriff
and get on with the marryin'.
Fellas, please.
But we want it done right.
But it's broad daylight.
That don't matter.
We're gonna see
that that little hero
gets a right start
right at the beginning.
But
( playing "Wedding March")