The Brady Bunch (1969) s01e09 Episode Script

1
Here's the story of a lovely lady ♪
Who was bringing up
three very lovely girls ♪
All of them had hair
of gold, like their mother ♪
The youngest one in curls ♪
It's the story of a man named Brady ♪
Who was busy with
three boys of his own ♪
They were four men living all together ♪
Yet they were all alone ♪
Till the one day
when the lady met this fellow ♪
And they knew that it was
much more than a hunch ♪
That this group must
somehow form a family ♪
That's the way they all became
the Brady bunch ♪
The Brady bunch, the Brady bunch ♪
That's the way they became
the Brady bunch. ♪
( Phone rings )
Hello, Ed.
Listen, we're going to tee off at
( chuckles )
Hi, Martha.
Yeah, just a second.
Honey, it's for you.
Oh, I guess she wants
to shorten her blue dress.
Oh, I certainly hope so.
I've really been worried about that.
We're trying to set up a golf game
so could you make it fast?
Oh, it'll only take a second.
Hi, Martha. Good.
She's going to take it up an inch.
Marvy.
No, I wouldn't take it up
any more than an inch
when you sit down, it'll rich up.
Rich up?
What does that mean?
Ooh
well, listen, Martha, I'm in the den
and Mike wants to use the phone
so I'll call you back later, okay? Bye.
( Phone rings )
Hello, Ed, listen
Who?
Alice?
Yeah, just a minute.
Alice! Telephone!
ALICE: I'll take it in the kitchen.
Sam the butcher.
Since when does the
butcher call at 8:00 at night?
Since he and Alice have been dating.
Be glad you should see the difference
in the cuts of meat we've been getting.
Listen, you know, with
you and Alice and the kids
on the phone all the time
it's a wonder I ever get a call.
It's not just golf games, either.
Sometimes I get business
calls in the evening.
Darling, do you know what time it is?
No, what time is it?
It's time we got a second phone.
No, I mean, you've
added three daughters
and a new wife to your household.
Well, that's four extra mouths.
At the very least.
Michael
No, you're right.
A second phone should solve everything.
Well, just call me
your little problem solver.
Okay, you're my little
Oh, don't you dare.
( Phone rings )
Hello, Ed?
Just a second.
Marcia!
Yeah, this will solve
the whole problem, Ed.
Kids have their phone in the family room
I have mine here in my den.
After you hear from Harry
call me up and tell me
what time we tee off.
( Chuckling ): Call me anytime
I'm the master of my fate
and the captain of my phone.
Yeah, good-bye.
WOMAN: The correct time in
ten seconds will be 8:05 p.m.
( knock at door )
Come in.
Hi, it's your Sammy boy.
Watch it with that meat cleaver.
You don't have to prove you're a butcher.
Hi, Sam.
Hi, Mr. Brady.
Say, that was a great
roast we had the other night.
Thanks, this ain't a bad little
lamb chop right here, either.
Ready to go?
Sure, soon as I get this in a cast.
Well, if an inch isn't short enough
shorten it another inch.
You've got nice knees.
Oh, dear, it's Martha
did you want to use the phone?
Oh, of course not you're talking
to a man with two phones.
Good, because Martha can't figure out
what to do with her knees.
Oh, I forgot, I'm supposed to call Marty.
That was Mike.
Since has his own phone,
you've never seen a happier man.
Okay, okay, Harv, but this is
my last offer for your bike.
I'll add my baseball mitt,
my autographed picture of Raquel Welch
and my pet white rabbit.
I think that's a real
good deal for you, Harv.
Greg.
Yeah, Dad?
What happened to the rules?
You're not supposed to be in the den,
and you're supposed to
use the other phone
unless it's an emergency.
Well, this is an emergency.
Listen, if I don't unload
that rabbit in a hurry
we're going to have dozens of them.
Greg
and besides, Mom's using our phone.
Okay, okay, finish your call.
Maybe your mother's through
on the other phone,
but just this once.
All right.
Of course you could always
bleach your freckles, Dory
but sometimes it does
something funny to your face.
I don't see what's wrong with freckles.
I've got lots of them.
Is there something wrong, Dad?
Isn't this the phone I'm supposed to use?
Yeah, yeah, it's the phone
you're supposed to use.
I guess I'll just have to get
Greg off the other phone.
Well, if you insist on bleaching
them, Dory, don't use too much
or you'll wind up with white
freckles instead of brown ones.
Jerry, I didn't say the
new math wasn't hard.
I said you should stop mixing up
the old math with the new math.
Some kids just haven't got it up here.
Yeah, like, for example,
kids who have been told
not to use their father's den,
and not to use their father's phone.
Listen, suppose somebody's trying
to reach me right now on business.
You said it's okay if it's an emergency,
and he's going to flunk math
if I don't talk to him.
That makes it an emergency
for him, but not for you.
He's my best friend, and if he flunks
his dad will get real mad at him.
He's not a swell guy like you.
None of that stuff.
Oh, all right, maybe you better help Jerry.
And hurry up.
Thanks, Dad.
I just said the new math wasn't hard.
I said you should stop mixing up
the old math with the new math, got me?
Phyllis, believe me
if George Wilson
deliberately ignored you
twice today in school
that's the best, the greatest
the most definite sign of interest.
Now, take my word for it
if George ignores you
for two or three more days
that proves he's crazy about you.
( Giggles )
Now, don't worry.
Just make sure to be at
the benches by recess.
( Giggling )
Two phones, and it's
worse than it was before.
What do you mean?
Now we've got two phones,
and I can't call out.
Nobody can call me either,
because they're both always busy.
As much as I hate it
I'm going to have to issue an ultimatum.
Emergency or no emergency
those kids can't use my phone.
My phone?
Our phone.
Well, anyway, dear, I do agree with you.
The kids do need an ultimatum.
And that's the way it's
going to be from now on.
No more excuses and
no more emergencies
because the phone in
my den is for my use
and for Mother's use exclusively.
Now, you kids have this phone in here
and that's the one you use.
Okay, is that clear now, huh?
Good.
Let's hope that solves
the phone problem.
I'm sure it will.
I'm telling you, Harv,
you'll never get an offer
like this the rest of your life.
Will you get off the phone!
Dory's waiting for my call!
Will you guys shut up!
How can I talk
with everybody screaming in my ear?
( Kids yelling )
From bad to worse to impossible.
Honey, I have an idea.
Will you listen to me, Harv?
Now, I'll go over the deal once more.
Believe me, this is my final offer
so listen carefully.
Hold on a sec.
What gives?
That's how much time
you're allowed on the phone.
When the sand runs out
it's good-bye, Charlie.
I'm talking to Harvey.
Then it's good-bye, Harvey.
Oh, Harv, listen, my time's limited
so you're going to have to
make up your mind right away.
On the other hand
if you still want to dicker
( others yell )
Insurance
dollars and no cents.
Phone bill.
Carol Carol!
Carol!
Yes, dear?
What is it?
What's the matter?
Oh, you look sick do you feel faint?
Put your head between your knees.
Look at this bill.
Well, it's the phone bill.
I know it's the phone bill.
Take a look at the grand total this month.
Oh, no!
Oh, yes I thought that
was the national debt.
Maybe I better be running along.
Something in the kitchen
may be boiling or freezing or something.
We'd like you to see this, too.
Oh, it's terrible.
It's impossible.
It's that second phone.
The toll calls alone
there are five times as
many units as we're allowed.
Those kids use that phone constantly
and we have got to do something drastic.
Like what?
Get them to start writing letters?
Alice.
Sorry.
Excuse me while I show this bill
to a certain group of children.
It's amazing how such
a simple thing like a phone
can become such a big problem.
So many other things
have come up with the kids
we've managed to solve them.
Here we are hung up on the phone.
Hung up?
Mike
I'm wasn't trying to be funny. I'm serious.
We got a wonderful bunch of kids.
I mean, really marvelous.
They don't play hooky
they don't lie, they're not fresh
but, boy, they just won't
stay off of that phone.
Well, all our friends with kids
have big phone bills, too.
Oh, honey, not as big as ours.
Have you seen those toll charges?
I think our kids are talking
to the astronauts on the Moon.
Honey where are you?
There's got to be a solution to this.
There must be some way
to keep those kids
from using that phone 24 hours a day
and to teach them the value of money.
Well, if you think the phone's expensive
wait till you get the bill
for the new carpeting.
What new carpeting?
The one you're wearing out
pacing back and forth.
There you are, Mrs. Pfeiffer.
That chicken is guaranteed
to melt in your mouth.
And how is my favorite
little fillet today, huh?
I see you raised your tongue again.
You ought to be arrested
for charging those prices
for something that can't even talk.
You got a lot of nerve, looking
down your nose at my tongue.
That's a good one, huh, Alice?
Is that supposed to be a New York cut?
What race did it run in?
Hey, hey, something's wrong.
When you start to criticize Sam's meat
something is definitely wrong.
Now, suppose you tells
old Sam all about it.
Something's wrong, all right.
Here, I'll go put this sign up on the door.
Then we can talk.
Now, why don't you let old Sam
put a smile back on your face, huh?
Oh, stop it.
Hey, boy, you really are upset.
You bet your sweet pig's knuckles I am.
Come on, we'll sit back here and relax.
On a crate?
This is a butcher shop,
not a furniture store.
I'm sorry.
Hey, put it right there no splinters.
Thanks.
Now, why don't you just spill it all out?
Big Sam is listening.
Well, I get upset when there's a problem
at the Brady house,
and right now we've got a beaut.
Well, now maybe it isn't all that bad.
Maybe you're just making a
meat loaf out of a hamburger.
It's pretty bad, all right.
Mr. Brady's been getting phone bills
that are driving him right up the wall.
He's upset with the kids
and that's making Mrs. Brady upset.
And with Mrs. Brady upset
and Mr. Brady upset
and the kids upset, I get upset.
I'll tell you, Sam,
we got more upset than you got meat.
You know something, Alice?
You got a bigger heart than a cow.
Sam, you sure know how
to make a girl feel good.
When did you get that?
What? You see something you like?
This thing.
Oh, the pay phone.
Sometime last week I had to.
My customers kept using
my phone all the time.
"Do you mind if I make a call?"
( In falsetto ): "Do you
mind if I make a call?"
The profits were all going
right down the drain
a dime here, a dime there.
A dime here.
What?
A dime lend me a dime.
You just gave me a great idea.
There go the profits again.
CAROL: Alice?
Hi, Mrs. Brady, kids.
Alice, what's this big thing on the wall?
What's what thing on what wall?
This big thing over here.
Oh, oh, that thing.
Yes, that thing.
What is it?
Uh wait a minute, I remember now.
Mr. Brady called awhile ago
and he said something
about a big surprise,
but he wants everybody to wait
till he gets home to unwrap it.
Unwrap what?
Now, come on, Alice, what is it?
Excuse me, I think I smell
something burning.
I better go take a look at my liver.
( laughter )
Well, I guess
we'll just have to wait to find out.
All right, everybody ready?
Why don't you let the little kids up front
where they can see?
Come on, sweetheart.
There.
There.
That's better.
All right.
We all know in the past
that the telephone problem has been
absolutely impossible.
It hasn't bothered me.
Me neither.
Yeah, well, it's bothered me
and it's bothered our household budget.
Fortunately, I have
the solution to the problem
and this is it ta-dum!
Hey, that looks like a pay telephone.
It is a pay telephone.
Honey, that looks like a real pay phone.
Precisely didn't you notice
the other phone was gone,
the other phone?
Hey, it is gone.
I don't dig.
What's the point?
The point is
this pay phone is for all you kids
and the household budget
stops taking a beating.
From now on, you will be given
an addition to your allowance
for two calls per day.
After that, any call
you make will be deducted
from your regular allowance.
Did you say two calls a day?
That's right. The rest comes
out of your allowance.
But I average at least ten.
Then there goes your allowance.
This pay phone will teach you children
not to monopolize the phone
and you'll have to be especially
careful about toll calls.
Incidentally, did you know
that every call you make
to Martha is a toll call?
You don't expect me to use that thing.
If you're very good
you can use my phone in the den.
Oh, well, thanks a lot. You're welcome.
PETER: Two calls?!
Even when you're arrested
you get to make one call.
Yeah, and that one you make
to your lawyer.
Come on, let's go tell them how we feel.
We don't want a pay phone.
You can't lie on the floor and talk.
That'll make your calls shorter, won't it?
Well, suppose we
promised to be more careful.
Sorry, son, we tried discussion;
we tried egg timers;
we tried even threats.
Nothing worked.
That's right, Greg.
Now you use the pay phone.
But, Dad
Sorry, Marcia.
Maybe this is going to solve the problem.
Dismissed.
( Kids muttering )
Do you know how hard it is
to get a pay phone?
Do you know all the red tape
I had to go through
with the phone company?
Do you know how much
this is going to cost us?
Two calls per child six kids $1.20
$36 a month.
That's more than our
phone bill was last month.
Well, honey, who says it's permanent?
If it accomplishes the problem,
we'll return it
and go back to the regular phone.
Well, dear, I guess it's worth a try.
Sure, sure.
( Phone rings )
Who could be calling on a pay phone?
Hello?
I think you better dial again.
Wrong number?
I assume it's the wrong number.
We're not O'Brien's Taco
and Tamale Shop, are we?
Hey, Marcia.
Listen, I got to make a telephone call.
You got change for a quarter?
Yep, but I wouldn't part with it
if my life depended on it.
( Sarcastically ): Thanks a lot.
But, Peter, I just need
a dime to make a call
and I'll give the money right back.
Do you want to be known
as a selfish brother?
A rich one.
But my piggy bank's empty!
Well, that's your tough luck!
Get off me!
Look, Martha, I can't worry
any more about your dress.
I've got my own problems
trying to find dimes and nickels
for the kids.
Well, if it's that short now,
then wear it as a belt.
Now, Martha, I did not
mean to be sarcastic.
Oh excuse me hi, dear.
Ask me what's new. Ask me what's new.
Listen, excuse me, Martha.
Mike just walked in.
Yeah uh, listen, honey
you look like you're
just bursting with news.
I am, I am, I am.
Listen, I'm supposed to meet
with Mr. Crawford to discuss
the multimillion-dollar
factory complex
the one I helped design.
Yeah.
I have to call him at 6:30
to set up a meeting.
That's in about five minutes.
Oh, Mike, that's wonderful.
Listen, Martha, Mike just
came in and Martha?
Now, Martha, I told you
I didn't mean to be
Oh, Martha, it's nothing to cry over.
( Reproachfully ): Martha
Martha? Martha!
Oh, Mike, I think I've hurt her feelings.
She's off crying
and we're still connected.
Here, let me try.
Martha!
Hello, Martha!
No dial tone or anything
just distant sobs.
Martha!
I'm supposed to call Crawford AT 6:30
and you don't keep
multimillionaires waiting.
Martha, please come back!
Mike has to use the phone!
Honey, never mind, I'll use
the phone in the other room.
Okay.
Martha, Martha
Martha
Martha?
That's the thanks I get
for helping her with her dress.
Hi, Sam.
Good evening, Mr. Brady.
Sam got here early.
He's taking me to a movie tonight.
Somebody has to take her.
It's one of them pictures
with an "R" rating
and she ain't 16 yet.
Have fun, kids.
Hello, Mr. Crawford?
WOMAN: Who's calling, please?
This is Michael Brady;
he's expecting my call.
Mr. Crawford's on another line.
Would you wait, please?
Uh, certainly.
MAN: Mr. Brady?
Yes Mr. Crawford?
I'm sorry, sir, this is
Mr. Crawford's secretary.
Mr. Crawford had to take a London call.
He'll be with you in a few moments.
Well, I'll wait if I may.
( Sighs )
MAN 2: Hello.
Mr. Crawford?
Yes, this is Crawford.
This is Michael Brady.
Oh, yes the plans
for the new factory complex.
Are they complete?
Yes, sir, they are.
I thought we might discuss
them over dinner.
Do you like the Candlelight Room
at the Royal Hotel?
Fine best food in town.
Nothing but the best
when you're discussing
multimillion-dollar deals.
That's our firm's policy.
OPERATOR: Deposit
another ten cents, please.
Ten cents?
Did I hear an operator
asking for ten cents?
Mr. Crawford,
you just hang on for a minute.
( Muttering ): I know I've
got a dime here somewhere.
Hang on there, Mr. Crawford,
be right with you.
Mr. Crawford, you still there?
Carol, Alice, help!
I need another dime!
A dime?
The kids cleaned us out of change.
Well, wait a minute.
I got dimes.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Here you go, help yourself.
ALICE: No wonder the
kids haven't been able
to find any dimes you had them all.
Oh, Alice.
What happened, dear?
The operator cut me off
because I didn't have
another dime. Oh, darling.
Well, call him back, Mr. Brady.
Here's plenty of dimes.
Call back Mr. Crawford and explain
why I was discussing
a multimillion-dollar deal
and couldn't deposit another ten cents?
On the other hand,
what have I got to lose?
Right.
Come on.
Wait, I want to hear
how it comes out.
Come on.
It was my dime.
Hello, Mr. Crawford,
this is Mike Brady again.
Frankly, Mr. Brady, I'm not
accustomed to doing business
with a company which has
to use pay telephones.
Mr. Crawford, the pay phone
is in my house.
Your house?
That doesn't exactly restore my faith
in you or your company, Mr. Brady.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have other calls waiting.
Mr. Crawford, let me explain.
You see, I have six children,
and I could never get
to use my own phone
and besides, they were running
bills up that were out of sight.
A pay phone? A pay phone
in your house
that's um, that's a very interesting idea.
I have three teenagers of my own
and I know what you mean.
Tell me something
Has the pay phone solved your problem?
Oh, yes, it's worked fine
with the single exception
of my phone call to you.
Well, maybe that worked fine, too.
Did you say the Candlelight Room
of the Royal Hotel?
Yes, sir, you name the day.
Uh, Friday at 8:00 Would be fine.
I'll see you then.
( Giggles )
We're all set.
Oh, Mike, that's marvelous.
Yes, thanks to you
and the kids and that
( chuckles )
That silly box.
In a few minutes
you'll never be able to tell
there was a phone attached here.
The kids are thrilled to have
their regular phone back again
and I'm sure they've learned
a very valuable lesson.
I'm kind of surprised you took out
the pay phone, Mr. Brady.
It brought you good luck
in that big deal with Mr. Crawford.
It certainly did.
In fact, I think it might have been
the pay phone that clinched it.
Seems a shame you took it out.
I'll tell you what, Alice,
if you get lonesome for a pay phone
I can give you the address
of a home that's got one.
Mr. Crawford?
You better believe it.