The Hawk (2026) s01e09 Episode Script
Pebble
[tranquil music rises slowly]
[Rich Lerner] A career Grand Slam is
the most elite club in professional golf.
To become a member, you need to win
all four major tournaments.
With this putt, Lonnie Hawkins
is three feet from joining that elite club
and making his mark on golf history.
Come on, boy.
Come on, boy, you can do it.
For the win at this year's
US Open invitation.
[exhales sharply]
[Rich] You've got to be kidding me!
[quietly] Fuck me.
[Rich] I do not believe
what he has just done.
Lonnie Hawkins is in a state of shock.
- [Golden] You blew it, Lonnie.
- What…
You choked.
- What happened?
- You missed, my man.
You had the easiest putt in the world.
And you fucked it up.
No… No. No, no, no, no.
I need a do-over. Let's do it again.
[gasping]
[grunts]
There are no do-overs in golf, Lonnie.
That was a mistake. That was
a three-foot putt. I can make that.
Okay, we're gonna do a do-over.
We're gonna do it one more time, okay?
I'll grab my ball here and mark it off.
We'll just do it again,
'cause I can make that putt.
Stacy, is it true?
No do-overs?
[Stacy] No, Lonnie.
No do-overs.
[Lonnie] Son?
Lancelot?
Old Henry, tell everyone they're wrong.
Come on.
I'm sorry, Lonnie.
It's over.
[sighing]
Mr. Hole, please tell them
you're my friend.
My ball belongs inside of you.
Please!
My ball belongs inside of you!
Tell them, please!
[sobbing]
Please, dear God!
One do-over, that's all I ask for!
[Sam] Hey, Lonnie.
[Lonnie] Please!
[Sam] Hey, wake up!
[gasps, panting]
Lonnie, wake up, bud.
[Lonnie] Yeah, I'm up.
- You okay?
- Yeah, I'm good.
- Where are we?
- We're in Pebble Beach, baby.
While you were, uh,
sweating through these frog pajamas,
I put the pedal to the metal
to the Pebble.
We're at the US Open?
- Mm-hmm.
- But how is that possible? It's…
- It's 4:00 in the morning.
- Oh, I gunned it.
A cop did pull us over in Bakersfield,
but it turned out to be a woman cop,
so we worked it out to our mutual benefit.
Wink.
- You don't have to say wink.
- Okay.
I get it. You had sex with a cop?
- Oh, I had a lot more than sex with a cop.
- [chuckling]
- We're getting married.
- Are you?
- I'm fucking with you. I stole her ring.
- Ah… Okay.
I went full pork chop
on her command strips.
What an adventurous evening.
Talk about dripping wet.
You're soaking through that shirt, son.
- What was this nightmare about?
- I don't know.
I never remember my dreams.
But whatever it was,
it was a total boner-killer.
- They call him the Hawk ♪
- Hawk! ♪
He's a golfer ♪
The greatest golfer in the world ♪
- [skipping]
- [Crystal] There's electricity.
Yeah, there is. Remember in Operation?
You hit that… and it bings?
[Crystal] My heart is beating.
So, who's doing that?
It's a little shrimp in there, just…
Just squeezing the heart.
No, don't you ever wonder?
- It's automated.
- [amplified] Hey!
- What?
- [beat thumping]
- Hey.
- Hey.
- [soulful loop playing]
- Ooh… ♪
I think we should
maybe take those mushrooms.
- Oh…
- [both laughing]
- [laughter slows]
- We already took them.
[warbling tones]
[tinny feedback] You're probably just
tripping balls right now. You okay?
[echoing] Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, I'm good, man.
I'm messing with you guys.
When I said should we take the 'shrooms,
I knew we did. [echoes]
I feel… totally normal.
Haha… [reverberating]
[breathy] Haa…
[squelching wetly]
[deep rumbly tone] Whoa…
When's the last time you fed your couch?
[gurgling]
[grumbly] Uh-oh.
[strained] Oh no.
[fabric creaking]
[raspy] Oh no…
[with reverb] It's got me.
[thrumming tone powers down]
Hi, Lance.
[low pulsing thrum]
Who are you?
[echoing] I'm you.
[distant] Whoa.
[normal laugh] Yeah, you are.
- Hey, can I tell you something?
- Sure.
- [eerie ambient music playing]
- Life… does not go well for you.
There's a lot of problems.
I mean, for one, your dad is a shit.
[echoing] My dad is my hero.
Yeah, we thought that.
But then he kind of became an asshole.
He was never around.
You don't want to admit it, but it hurts.
It hurts bad.
Next thing you know, you're 14,
slugging vodka Red Bulls
just to get through history class.
Then that doesn't work.
So then you start having sex
in all these obscure locations like
buses and airplanes and…
I get to go on a plane?
- Hey!
- [music halts]
Do not interrupt me, okay?
- I remember that part of the trip.
- I remember my first time too!
- [breezy music plays]
- But yes. In an airplane.
In the lifeguard tower, I was…
It's still not doing it for you.
Then you start getting into kinky stuff.
Like, naked women over 60,
sitting on cakes.
[sloshing, bubbling]
Oh, and the gambling.
Wait till you find out about prop bets.
You are gonna lose…
[strained laugh] …all of your money.
- Can I be honest with you, Lance?
- Okay.
You really do hate yourself.
I like golf.
Well, you're good at that.
But it doesn't matter.
[music turns grim]
Because your dad will never love you.
He's doing the best he can.
[solemn music plays lightly]
[echoing] Hey, old Lance.
[whispers] It gets better.
[quietly] Don't look at me.
[sobbing softly]
Don't look at me.
[crying quietly]
[tearfully] Stop.
[sobs]
- [fabric creaking]
- [music distorting]
- [Lonnie] Lance?
- [coughing weakly]
[gruff voice] There you are. Look at me.
[sharp chilling notes]
Where's my money, motherfucker?
[screaming]
- [airy vocalizations]
- [orchestral string concerto playing]
[Anton] Can I just say,
your people here at the USGA
really know how to put on a championship.
Thank you, Anton.
Oh, look at that.
Lonnie made it. We weren't sure
he was gonna be able to come.
[sarcastically] Oh, goodie.
You gave him an exemption. What fun!
It's only fitting.
What an incredible comeback story.
Oh, who can argue with that?
No one, Anton.
Oh, my wife Olivia
is a big fan of Lonnie Hawkins.
- Stop.
- [clinking]
He has crabs, you know.
What's that?
Crabs. Pubic lice.
He's teeming with the little beasties.
Munching away on his balls as we speak.
Okay, Anton.
What? I would disinfect
the locker rooms if I were you.
I mean, maybe put out some warning signs.
Unless, of course, that's the kind of
filth you like here at the USGA.
Listen, Anton. Word has it
from my friends over at the Tour
that this singular obsession
you have with Lonnie Hawkins
may be less about the game of golf
and more about something personal.
Personal?
- [sighs]
- Why are you looking at her?
Stop looking at her!
I have friends on the Tour, Anton.
They voted you in,
and they can just as easily vote you out.
Vote me out?
Honeybunch, how am I
supposed to enjoy myself,
knowing that here,
at Pebble Beach, on the 18th hole,
you engaged in drunken,
adulterous copulation with that man-whore?
Anton…
How many times do I have to tell you?
I was not drunk.
[sighs heavily] God…
- [deep exhale]
- Oh my God. He lives.
What's up with this couch?
Is there like a giant vortex
or an ancient curse on it or something?
Oh, I bought it off Facebook Marketplace,
so, yeah, definitely cursed.
Hey, have you seen my phone?
You were in the kitchen last night
just talking to yourself,
kind of laughing maniacally,
and then you said,
"I have to put my phone
in the dishwasher."
See? Eureka, bitch.
Honestly, I think you had a breakthrough.
It was really good.
[Lance] I think it was
a lot of 'shrooms, is what it was.
Okay, come on.
We gotta get you to this tournament.
Wait, "we"? You're going?
Lance, how many times
do I have to tell you, bro?
We gotta take these ashes to Pebble.
That's Old Henry?
Yeah. I mean, he talks way less shit now.
I know he talked a lot of shit,
but deep down…
did you love him?
What am I gonna do,
just be mad at the guy forever?
Yeah, I get that.
You know, I think it might
actually be easier to beat my dad
if I don't hate him.
Yeah, yeah. I like that.
I mean, you could love somebody
and still beat their ass. [chuckles]
At the mental game, huh?
Yeah.
[majestic music rises slowly]
[music peaks and fades]
[Sam] Do you hear those people?
They don't want to just see you play golf.
They want to see you walk and talk
and eat your lunch. And do you know why?
Why is that, Sam?
Because you are Lonnie Hawkins,
the greatest this game has ever seen.
Now you go out there,
and you show them their hero.
Yeah… because I've…
- Born ready!
- You are scared shitless.
I am.
- You do not want to go out there.
- I do not.
- Well… [sighs]
- Let's have some wine.
Maybe this will help.
[gasps] Old Henry's watch!
You… little… fucking angel.
I was gonna try to get cash for it,
but when you showed up looking for me…
- [groaning]
- Well, that was pretty cool.
Sam, are you familiar
with the musical stylings
of one Mark Althavean "Sisqó" Andrews?
- Eh…
- We'll have to remedy that.
But first… let's take a deep,
long look at my hole.
- [airy vocalizations]
- [orchestral strings continue]
[music swells and fades]
- [Lonnie] Here we are, Sam. 18th hole.
- [Sam] Mm-hmm.
This pin right here?
- [clinks]
- That means nothing to me.
Down over there,
that's where the hole in question was.
And then I was right here,
lining up my putt, right?
Old Henry came up to me
and whispered, "No-look."
No-look?
A no-look putt, you know?
You putt it, and then you turn away.
- Oh…
- You don't look.
Yeah, he was feeling pretty cocky.
- Mm-hmm.
- I looked over at Golden.
And he had his hand on his crotch,
trying to intimidate me.
His hand was on his crotch?
Yeah, it's well-known on the PGA Tour
that Golden has a large and thick penis.
Hm.
Many a men are intimidated
by its shape and contour, but… I'm not.
- Mm-hm.
- Anyway…
I stood over my ball,
visualizing the putt going in,
three feet from the Grand Slam
and golf immortality.
But I chickened out.
I got too scared to go no-look.
Why were you scared to go with no-look?
I wanted it too much.
No-look is a state of mind.
You can't just want it to happen.
It… It just happens.
I mean, I'm unbeatable
when I get my no-look going.
Well, then hopefully that happens.
[hawk screeches]
- Look, Sam, a hawk!
- [slow guitar riff]
- Look at that.
- [Sam] Wow…
[Lonnie] Majestic creature, the hawk.
- They watch over me.
- Gorgeous.
[Lonnie] Gorgeous, right?
Tough to take your eyes off of, huh?
"Meow, meow," says the hawk.
- [screeches]
- Meow!
Yeah…
[sighs deeply]
My greatest fear is that a hawk
one day will swoop down,
silently,
quietly,
and fly right up my ass,
ripping my internal organs
with its razor-sharp talons.
That's not what I thought
you were gonna say.
I thought 'cause of your name that, um…
- I like hawks?
- Yeah.
No, I hate 'em.
Everyone assumes the hawk
is my spirit animal, but it's not.
Because it's the cougar.
No, it's a leopard frog.
That's stupid.
Well, you can't choose
your spirit animal, Sam.
And mine, unfortunately,
is a leopard frog.
[Sam] Oh. Okay.
Good morning. I'm Stacy Hawkins,
and I have a reservation.
Hawkins! Any relation
to the two golfers here this week?
Uh… no.
It's a very common last name.
Are you here for the US Open?
I'm actually here on business.
Oh, Radford, would you be able to call
one of your fabulous friends
and get me a table at a cozy restaurant?
Because I have a deal to close
and champagne to drink.
Of course, dear.
Thank you, my darling.
Listen, we've had a very long day.
My companion here
is recovering from a gunshot wound,
and we would like to get to our room
so we can fuck.
[chuckling] Oh, my goodness.
Stacy!
You are a regular Dorothy Parker.
Hoo-hoo!
Seaside suite with an adjoining room.
[laid-back lounge music playing]
Well, well, well.
Dad, you made it.
Don't you think you should rest up,
take care of that hand?
Gotta play through the pain, son.
Hey, stop by the bus later, all right?
I got something special
I wanna share with you.
[Golden] Well, well, well.
That's a beautiful father-son moment.
It's warming my cockles, boys.
Golden showers?
Hey, speaking of cockles, I'm having
dinner with your wife and your mom later.
[laughs] Yeah!
I'm the new face of Teed Off.
We'll be talking business.
But after that, really can't say
where the evening might go.
But I do have my thoughts.
Fuck off.
[Golden] Hawk, I see you've gone from
wearing a pickle jar to straight garbage.
What do you got there,
business section, or is that obituaries?
I'll have you know this is the latest
in homeopathic sports medicine.
The ink from the newsprint
has healing properties, all right?
All right.
Let's see if you can hit
that picker out there.
You're on. Let me just make
one slight adjustment.
[groaning, straining]
Ugh! [shuddering breath]
[coughs weakly] Yeah, that cooked up nice.
Uh-huh. I don't think
it can heal any better than that.
Hoo!
And that's a live maggot right there.
That's disgusting.
You like Parmesan cheese?
You like the smell of Parmesan?
Take a shot.
[groans] Ah!
[huffs] Ooh…
Ah…
All right, Hawk,
why don't you let that breathe?
Hey, I missed on purpose.
- [ball strike]
- [clanking]
- Clank.
- And I'll raise you a plank.
- [clanks]
- [groans]
- [ricocheting]
- [upbeat band music playing]
- [thudding]
- God damn it!
Let's go blind. Eyes fully closed.
- [clanks]
- [man] Whoa!
Laszlo, where are you, son?
- [hawk screeches]
- [heartbeat thumps]
[clanking]
- [driver] God damn it!
- Ha.
[music ends]
- Hell, in Boca Raton…
- Yeah.
Stacy. God, you look gorgeous.
- Why, thank you.
- Good to see you.
- So nice to see you, Golden.
- You too. This is Mike.
Such a pleasure to meet you, Mike.
- Wow.
- [Golden sighs]
Now, he's not the Mike.
Oh.
He's just a good dude who likes to drink.
- [Mike laughs] Guilty.
- Okay.
So, I gotta ask, what made you
come around on the acquisition?
Great question. Oh, thank you very much.
Well, I did a simple risk assessment
and asset valuation.
I made copies for both of you
of my research.
- Here you go, Mike.
- [Golden] Huh.
And I came to the conclusion that
Teed Off would be in much better hands
with you and Mike than me.
Because I realized I really need
somebody who's gonna push the brand.
Someone eating and sleeping golf,
drinking day in and day out,
and that is absolutely not me.
Well, thank you.
- Those are… wonderful visuals.
- Thank you.
You see, it states here that
Mike's Hard Lemonade and I will own
80% of Teed Off.
[Mike] Mm.
You'll keep 20%.
- Mm-hmm.
- [Golden] And a very handsome dividend.
Now, you understand
you're about to be a very rich lady.
[cackling]
Absolutely.
- Yeah.
- We're all gonna be loaded.
Did you know there was a time where
I couldn't be in the same room with you?
Me?
All because of a three-foot putt
that my husband missed.
Can you believe it?
Speaking of Lonnie,
I saw him out on the range today.
Making a fool of himself, I'm sure.
Oh, he's doing good.
Got 150 of the best golfers in the world,
and he still thinks he has a chance.
You can't rule out the Hawk.
You see, if he can get through Friday,
not one of the 60 golfers left standing
will feel safe with him on the course.
Does he scare you?
[chuckling] Lonnie scares
the shit out of me.
But if it comes down
to me and the Hawk on Sunday,
he'll choke.
- [Mike snorts]
- That's a fact.
He wants it too bad.
Those aren't the qualities
of a champion man.
Sam, you're a genius. How'd you find
a Red Lobster in this rich man's enclave?
- I drove to Salinas.
- Oh!
- Salinas?
- Mm-hmm.
Don't tell me lobster and Cheddar Bay
biscuits don't travel. This is heaven!
- What'd you get?
- [laughs] It's so good.
I got that Parrot Isle
jumbo coconut shrimp.
- Mmh.
- Got a little kick to it.
I usually get the Admiral's Feast,
'cause in many ways, I am an admiral.
- [Sam] Oh yeah.
- Oh, lookie here!
[mouth full] Oh, hi. Permission to,
uh, go to the galley for some napkins?
Permission granted. While you're there,
grab a bottle of white.
- I got it. Okay. Want something?
- I'm okay. Thank you.
- [Lonnie] You sure?
- I'm good.
Milk? White wine?
- Tap water?
- [Sam] I'll go and get it.
- How about a slice of cheese?
- Slice of cheese?
Mm! I got pudding.
You want some chocolate pudding?
- I'm okay.
- You're good?
Thank you. You had something for me?
Yeah.
[Lonnie groaning]
I've been holding on
to these things for a long time.
- What are they?
- [Lonnie sighs]
Your grandmother gave me
these three clubs when I was a kid.
She found them in a thrift store
in Yuba City.
She cut them down to size,
and she said, "Go play."
And go play I did.
These are the inspirations
that made my life extraordinary.
[laughs softly] Look at this putter.
- Yeah.
- Thing looks like it's 100 years old.
Yeah, look at that. Wooden shaft.
That's the way they used to make 'em.
I got pretty good with this thing.
[sighs deeply]
I held on to 'em forever
'cause I'm a sentimental creature.
But here,
feel the power of your legacy, son.
Look.
I know we haven't… really been…
close.
For a long time,
I was… pretty mad at you and--
No, I know. I wasn't around,
and I regret that, son.
- It's just, your mother--
- Just let me finish.
I will. But your mother
didn't want me around--
Yeah, go ahead. Finish.
But it… it was her fault. But go.
I was just saying,
you know, I've been mad at you.
And I'm trying to put all that behind me.
I just got some shit
I'm dealing with right now.
Some of it's stupid.
Some of it's super fucking serious.
What do you mean by serious?
I mean, it's nothing I can't handle.
But I think…
Um…
I just… Well, I just wanted to say, um…
You don't need to say another word.
I love you too.
[soft music playing]
[sniffs]
[clears throat, coughs]
[chuckles lightly]
What time's your, uh, like,
tee time tomorrow or whatever?
- Tomorrow?
- Yeah, tomorrow.
Uh, the guy said 9:15.
9:15? That's cool. 9:15's a good time.
- How about you?
- What's up?
- Your tee time?
- My tee time?
- What's your tee time?
- Uh, 11:30.
- That's a good tee time.
- Yeah.
- Both are…
- They're great.
- Good times.
- Really good tee times.
Solid-ass times.
Well, maybe we'll get to play…
over the weekend together.
- Yeah, maybe. I'd like that, Dad.
- That'd be good.
- Yeah.
- Would you?
- I would.
- I'm not gonna go easy on you.
- Okay.
- I wanna win that US Open, okay?
- Hey. Go for it.
- [chuckles] I will.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Hey, and what was the thing again,
that… that's so serious?
Oh… Don't worry about that.
What are those?
My Dad gave me his childhood clubs.
As a peace offering?
Or like a chess move?
Nah. He's not the worst guy in the world.
- I… I think he meant it.
- [Crystal] Hmm…
He could be gaming you.
Or I could be gaming him.
[on recording] Hard iced tea
With a taste that's soft ♪
Teed Off! Teed Off! ♪
[on recording] Hi. I'm Stacy Hawkins,
creator of Teed Off hard iced tea.
I'm unavailable right now, but leave
a message and I'll get back to you.
- Teed Off! ♪
- [beeping]
Hey, Stacy?
Hey, it's Lonnie.
I'm just calling to say…
I'm sorry.
I, uh…
I'm sorry for…
messing everything up
with you and Lance and…
I don't want you to worry.
I… Look,
I mean, he has some issues for sure, but…
but I think he's working through 'em
and he's about to turn the corner.
He's a good kid.
And you're a good mother.
Also, I'm sorry I got handsy with you
while you were crying
in the bathroom in Vegas.
I read the room wrong.
If I didn't read the room wrong,
and you want another go in the sack,
let me know, because I will
drop everything. Just say the word.
It's weird being back at Pebble Beach.
[up-tempo rock music building]
A lot of memories.
After I missed that putt in 2010,
nothing made sense to me anymore.
I was a broken man.
But now I'm gonna try
and show you both what I'm made of.
Would I like to face him again? You bet.
Beating Lonnie Hawkins,
that was a really big moment for me.
And, uh, I went on
a pretty good run after that.
And the run's not over yet.
So, yeah, I'd love for it to come down
to me and Lonnie again.
Does my dad have a chance?
Um…
Sure. Uh, it's gonna be tough, though.
There's a lot of good,
young golfers out here.
Guys who are actually in their prime.
So… we'll see.
First off, it's great to be back.
Uh, who do I think is gonna win?
I'm not sure. It's tough to say.
I mean, Golden's obviously
playing really well.
But, um, I feel like the show
is all about Lonnie and Lance.
I think it was real nice of the USGA
to give him an exemption.
At his age and his ability,
you gotta figure
this is his last major, right?
It's hard to be able
to handle the pressure
for four days at a place like Pebble
and be competitive.
So I guess we're just gonna
have to wait and see.
Look, I think there's
obviously a lot of noise
around two golfers because of something
that happened almost 20 years ago.
So I'm trying to stay focused
on the present.
Trying not to get in my own head,
because we know that has certainly been…
Sounds to me he knows Golden's coming,
just knock, knock, knocking on the door.
- Kind of in the middle of…
- Excuse me.
[reporter] You had a chance
at the Grand Slam
here at Pebble a long time ago,
and you missed an easy putt.
Some people have said
it's the worst choke in golf history.
Will that be in the back of your mind
when you tee off tomorrow morning?
- [music fades]
- [cameras click]
[intense music builds slowly]
Can you repeat the question?
They just wanna see some blood, huh? ♪
- [crunching]
- [screeching]
They bettin' 50 racks
That he ain't gettin' up ♪
[hawk screeches]
- [bell dings]
- I'm kinda feelin' like… ♪
["Buss Em Up
(The Illusory Alchemist Remix)" playing]
[bell dings]
Buss em up! ♪
Buss em up! ♪
Buss em up! ♪
Buss em up! ♪
Buss, buss, buss… ♪
- [bell dings]
- Uh! ♪
I ain't got nothing to lose ♪
You could not fit in my shoes ♪
I do not easily bruise
You won't be able to chew ♪
[straw slurping]
Sip through a straw when I'm through
Feelin' like, "Hold up!" ♪
You know a young'un bout to go nuts ♪
I'm bout to hit him with 100 blows
To the dome ♪
He won't live to see another round
TKO ♪
[operatic instrumental continues]
Buss em up! Buss em up! ♪
Buss em up! ♪
Buss, buss, buss ♪
- [bell dings]
- [music fades]
[Rich Lerner] A career Grand Slam is
the most elite club in professional golf.
To become a member, you need to win
all four major tournaments.
With this putt, Lonnie Hawkins
is three feet from joining that elite club
and making his mark on golf history.
Come on, boy.
Come on, boy, you can do it.
For the win at this year's
US Open invitation.
[exhales sharply]
[Rich] You've got to be kidding me!
[quietly] Fuck me.
[Rich] I do not believe
what he has just done.
Lonnie Hawkins is in a state of shock.
- [Golden] You blew it, Lonnie.
- What…
You choked.
- What happened?
- You missed, my man.
You had the easiest putt in the world.
And you fucked it up.
No… No. No, no, no, no.
I need a do-over. Let's do it again.
[gasping]
[grunts]
There are no do-overs in golf, Lonnie.
That was a mistake. That was
a three-foot putt. I can make that.
Okay, we're gonna do a do-over.
We're gonna do it one more time, okay?
I'll grab my ball here and mark it off.
We'll just do it again,
'cause I can make that putt.
Stacy, is it true?
No do-overs?
[Stacy] No, Lonnie.
No do-overs.
[Lonnie] Son?
Lancelot?
Old Henry, tell everyone they're wrong.
Come on.
I'm sorry, Lonnie.
It's over.
[sighing]
Mr. Hole, please tell them
you're my friend.
My ball belongs inside of you.
Please!
My ball belongs inside of you!
Tell them, please!
[sobbing]
Please, dear God!
One do-over, that's all I ask for!
[Sam] Hey, Lonnie.
[Lonnie] Please!
[Sam] Hey, wake up!
[gasps, panting]
Lonnie, wake up, bud.
[Lonnie] Yeah, I'm up.
- You okay?
- Yeah, I'm good.
- Where are we?
- We're in Pebble Beach, baby.
While you were, uh,
sweating through these frog pajamas,
I put the pedal to the metal
to the Pebble.
We're at the US Open?
- Mm-hmm.
- But how is that possible? It's…
- It's 4:00 in the morning.
- Oh, I gunned it.
A cop did pull us over in Bakersfield,
but it turned out to be a woman cop,
so we worked it out to our mutual benefit.
Wink.
- You don't have to say wink.
- Okay.
I get it. You had sex with a cop?
- Oh, I had a lot more than sex with a cop.
- [chuckling]
- We're getting married.
- Are you?
- I'm fucking with you. I stole her ring.
- Ah… Okay.
I went full pork chop
on her command strips.
What an adventurous evening.
Talk about dripping wet.
You're soaking through that shirt, son.
- What was this nightmare about?
- I don't know.
I never remember my dreams.
But whatever it was,
it was a total boner-killer.
- They call him the Hawk ♪
- Hawk! ♪
He's a golfer ♪
The greatest golfer in the world ♪
- [skipping]
- [Crystal] There's electricity.
Yeah, there is. Remember in Operation?
You hit that… and it bings?
[Crystal] My heart is beating.
So, who's doing that?
It's a little shrimp in there, just…
Just squeezing the heart.
No, don't you ever wonder?
- It's automated.
- [amplified] Hey!
- What?
- [beat thumping]
- Hey.
- Hey.
- [soulful loop playing]
- Ooh… ♪
I think we should
maybe take those mushrooms.
- Oh…
- [both laughing]
- [laughter slows]
- We already took them.
[warbling tones]
[tinny feedback] You're probably just
tripping balls right now. You okay?
[echoing] Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, I'm good, man.
I'm messing with you guys.
When I said should we take the 'shrooms,
I knew we did. [echoes]
I feel… totally normal.
Haha… [reverberating]
[breathy] Haa…
[squelching wetly]
[deep rumbly tone] Whoa…
When's the last time you fed your couch?
[gurgling]
[grumbly] Uh-oh.
[strained] Oh no.
[fabric creaking]
[raspy] Oh no…
[with reverb] It's got me.
[thrumming tone powers down]
Hi, Lance.
[low pulsing thrum]
Who are you?
[echoing] I'm you.
[distant] Whoa.
[normal laugh] Yeah, you are.
- Hey, can I tell you something?
- Sure.
- [eerie ambient music playing]
- Life… does not go well for you.
There's a lot of problems.
I mean, for one, your dad is a shit.
[echoing] My dad is my hero.
Yeah, we thought that.
But then he kind of became an asshole.
He was never around.
You don't want to admit it, but it hurts.
It hurts bad.
Next thing you know, you're 14,
slugging vodka Red Bulls
just to get through history class.
Then that doesn't work.
So then you start having sex
in all these obscure locations like
buses and airplanes and…
I get to go on a plane?
- Hey!
- [music halts]
Do not interrupt me, okay?
- I remember that part of the trip.
- I remember my first time too!
- [breezy music plays]
- But yes. In an airplane.
In the lifeguard tower, I was…
It's still not doing it for you.
Then you start getting into kinky stuff.
Like, naked women over 60,
sitting on cakes.
[sloshing, bubbling]
Oh, and the gambling.
Wait till you find out about prop bets.
You are gonna lose…
[strained laugh] …all of your money.
- Can I be honest with you, Lance?
- Okay.
You really do hate yourself.
I like golf.
Well, you're good at that.
But it doesn't matter.
[music turns grim]
Because your dad will never love you.
He's doing the best he can.
[solemn music plays lightly]
[echoing] Hey, old Lance.
[whispers] It gets better.
[quietly] Don't look at me.
[sobbing softly]
Don't look at me.
[crying quietly]
[tearfully] Stop.
[sobs]
- [fabric creaking]
- [music distorting]
- [Lonnie] Lance?
- [coughing weakly]
[gruff voice] There you are. Look at me.
[sharp chilling notes]
Where's my money, motherfucker?
[screaming]
- [airy vocalizations]
- [orchestral string concerto playing]
[Anton] Can I just say,
your people here at the USGA
really know how to put on a championship.
Thank you, Anton.
Oh, look at that.
Lonnie made it. We weren't sure
he was gonna be able to come.
[sarcastically] Oh, goodie.
You gave him an exemption. What fun!
It's only fitting.
What an incredible comeback story.
Oh, who can argue with that?
No one, Anton.
Oh, my wife Olivia
is a big fan of Lonnie Hawkins.
- Stop.
- [clinking]
He has crabs, you know.
What's that?
Crabs. Pubic lice.
He's teeming with the little beasties.
Munching away on his balls as we speak.
Okay, Anton.
What? I would disinfect
the locker rooms if I were you.
I mean, maybe put out some warning signs.
Unless, of course, that's the kind of
filth you like here at the USGA.
Listen, Anton. Word has it
from my friends over at the Tour
that this singular obsession
you have with Lonnie Hawkins
may be less about the game of golf
and more about something personal.
Personal?
- [sighs]
- Why are you looking at her?
Stop looking at her!
I have friends on the Tour, Anton.
They voted you in,
and they can just as easily vote you out.
Vote me out?
Honeybunch, how am I
supposed to enjoy myself,
knowing that here,
at Pebble Beach, on the 18th hole,
you engaged in drunken,
adulterous copulation with that man-whore?
Anton…
How many times do I have to tell you?
I was not drunk.
[sighs heavily] God…
- [deep exhale]
- Oh my God. He lives.
What's up with this couch?
Is there like a giant vortex
or an ancient curse on it or something?
Oh, I bought it off Facebook Marketplace,
so, yeah, definitely cursed.
Hey, have you seen my phone?
You were in the kitchen last night
just talking to yourself,
kind of laughing maniacally,
and then you said,
"I have to put my phone
in the dishwasher."
See? Eureka, bitch.
Honestly, I think you had a breakthrough.
It was really good.
[Lance] I think it was
a lot of 'shrooms, is what it was.
Okay, come on.
We gotta get you to this tournament.
Wait, "we"? You're going?
Lance, how many times
do I have to tell you, bro?
We gotta take these ashes to Pebble.
That's Old Henry?
Yeah. I mean, he talks way less shit now.
I know he talked a lot of shit,
but deep down…
did you love him?
What am I gonna do,
just be mad at the guy forever?
Yeah, I get that.
You know, I think it might
actually be easier to beat my dad
if I don't hate him.
Yeah, yeah. I like that.
I mean, you could love somebody
and still beat their ass. [chuckles]
At the mental game, huh?
Yeah.
[majestic music rises slowly]
[music peaks and fades]
[Sam] Do you hear those people?
They don't want to just see you play golf.
They want to see you walk and talk
and eat your lunch. And do you know why?
Why is that, Sam?
Because you are Lonnie Hawkins,
the greatest this game has ever seen.
Now you go out there,
and you show them their hero.
Yeah… because I've…
- Born ready!
- You are scared shitless.
I am.
- You do not want to go out there.
- I do not.
- Well… [sighs]
- Let's have some wine.
Maybe this will help.
[gasps] Old Henry's watch!
You… little… fucking angel.
I was gonna try to get cash for it,
but when you showed up looking for me…
- [groaning]
- Well, that was pretty cool.
Sam, are you familiar
with the musical stylings
of one Mark Althavean "Sisqó" Andrews?
- Eh…
- We'll have to remedy that.
But first… let's take a deep,
long look at my hole.
- [airy vocalizations]
- [orchestral strings continue]
[music swells and fades]
- [Lonnie] Here we are, Sam. 18th hole.
- [Sam] Mm-hmm.
This pin right here?
- [clinks]
- That means nothing to me.
Down over there,
that's where the hole in question was.
And then I was right here,
lining up my putt, right?
Old Henry came up to me
and whispered, "No-look."
No-look?
A no-look putt, you know?
You putt it, and then you turn away.
- Oh…
- You don't look.
Yeah, he was feeling pretty cocky.
- Mm-hmm.
- I looked over at Golden.
And he had his hand on his crotch,
trying to intimidate me.
His hand was on his crotch?
Yeah, it's well-known on the PGA Tour
that Golden has a large and thick penis.
Hm.
Many a men are intimidated
by its shape and contour, but… I'm not.
- Mm-hm.
- Anyway…
I stood over my ball,
visualizing the putt going in,
three feet from the Grand Slam
and golf immortality.
But I chickened out.
I got too scared to go no-look.
Why were you scared to go with no-look?
I wanted it too much.
No-look is a state of mind.
You can't just want it to happen.
It… It just happens.
I mean, I'm unbeatable
when I get my no-look going.
Well, then hopefully that happens.
[hawk screeches]
- Look, Sam, a hawk!
- [slow guitar riff]
- Look at that.
- [Sam] Wow…
[Lonnie] Majestic creature, the hawk.
- They watch over me.
- Gorgeous.
[Lonnie] Gorgeous, right?
Tough to take your eyes off of, huh?
"Meow, meow," says the hawk.
- [screeches]
- Meow!
Yeah…
[sighs deeply]
My greatest fear is that a hawk
one day will swoop down,
silently,
quietly,
and fly right up my ass,
ripping my internal organs
with its razor-sharp talons.
That's not what I thought
you were gonna say.
I thought 'cause of your name that, um…
- I like hawks?
- Yeah.
No, I hate 'em.
Everyone assumes the hawk
is my spirit animal, but it's not.
Because it's the cougar.
No, it's a leopard frog.
That's stupid.
Well, you can't choose
your spirit animal, Sam.
And mine, unfortunately,
is a leopard frog.
[Sam] Oh. Okay.
Good morning. I'm Stacy Hawkins,
and I have a reservation.
Hawkins! Any relation
to the two golfers here this week?
Uh… no.
It's a very common last name.
Are you here for the US Open?
I'm actually here on business.
Oh, Radford, would you be able to call
one of your fabulous friends
and get me a table at a cozy restaurant?
Because I have a deal to close
and champagne to drink.
Of course, dear.
Thank you, my darling.
Listen, we've had a very long day.
My companion here
is recovering from a gunshot wound,
and we would like to get to our room
so we can fuck.
[chuckling] Oh, my goodness.
Stacy!
You are a regular Dorothy Parker.
Hoo-hoo!
Seaside suite with an adjoining room.
[laid-back lounge music playing]
Well, well, well.
Dad, you made it.
Don't you think you should rest up,
take care of that hand?
Gotta play through the pain, son.
Hey, stop by the bus later, all right?
I got something special
I wanna share with you.
[Golden] Well, well, well.
That's a beautiful father-son moment.
It's warming my cockles, boys.
Golden showers?
Hey, speaking of cockles, I'm having
dinner with your wife and your mom later.
[laughs] Yeah!
I'm the new face of Teed Off.
We'll be talking business.
But after that, really can't say
where the evening might go.
But I do have my thoughts.
Fuck off.
[Golden] Hawk, I see you've gone from
wearing a pickle jar to straight garbage.
What do you got there,
business section, or is that obituaries?
I'll have you know this is the latest
in homeopathic sports medicine.
The ink from the newsprint
has healing properties, all right?
All right.
Let's see if you can hit
that picker out there.
You're on. Let me just make
one slight adjustment.
[groaning, straining]
Ugh! [shuddering breath]
[coughs weakly] Yeah, that cooked up nice.
Uh-huh. I don't think
it can heal any better than that.
Hoo!
And that's a live maggot right there.
That's disgusting.
You like Parmesan cheese?
You like the smell of Parmesan?
Take a shot.
[groans] Ah!
[huffs] Ooh…
Ah…
All right, Hawk,
why don't you let that breathe?
Hey, I missed on purpose.
- [ball strike]
- [clanking]
- Clank.
- And I'll raise you a plank.
- [clanks]
- [groans]
- [ricocheting]
- [upbeat band music playing]
- [thudding]
- God damn it!
Let's go blind. Eyes fully closed.
- [clanks]
- [man] Whoa!
Laszlo, where are you, son?
- [hawk screeches]
- [heartbeat thumps]
[clanking]
- [driver] God damn it!
- Ha.
[music ends]
- Hell, in Boca Raton…
- Yeah.
Stacy. God, you look gorgeous.
- Why, thank you.
- Good to see you.
- So nice to see you, Golden.
- You too. This is Mike.
Such a pleasure to meet you, Mike.
- Wow.
- [Golden sighs]
Now, he's not the Mike.
Oh.
He's just a good dude who likes to drink.
- [Mike laughs] Guilty.
- Okay.
So, I gotta ask, what made you
come around on the acquisition?
Great question. Oh, thank you very much.
Well, I did a simple risk assessment
and asset valuation.
I made copies for both of you
of my research.
- Here you go, Mike.
- [Golden] Huh.
And I came to the conclusion that
Teed Off would be in much better hands
with you and Mike than me.
Because I realized I really need
somebody who's gonna push the brand.
Someone eating and sleeping golf,
drinking day in and day out,
and that is absolutely not me.
Well, thank you.
- Those are… wonderful visuals.
- Thank you.
You see, it states here that
Mike's Hard Lemonade and I will own
80% of Teed Off.
[Mike] Mm.
You'll keep 20%.
- Mm-hmm.
- [Golden] And a very handsome dividend.
Now, you understand
you're about to be a very rich lady.
[cackling]
Absolutely.
- Yeah.
- We're all gonna be loaded.
Did you know there was a time where
I couldn't be in the same room with you?
Me?
All because of a three-foot putt
that my husband missed.
Can you believe it?
Speaking of Lonnie,
I saw him out on the range today.
Making a fool of himself, I'm sure.
Oh, he's doing good.
Got 150 of the best golfers in the world,
and he still thinks he has a chance.
You can't rule out the Hawk.
You see, if he can get through Friday,
not one of the 60 golfers left standing
will feel safe with him on the course.
Does he scare you?
[chuckling] Lonnie scares
the shit out of me.
But if it comes down
to me and the Hawk on Sunday,
he'll choke.
- [Mike snorts]
- That's a fact.
He wants it too bad.
Those aren't the qualities
of a champion man.
Sam, you're a genius. How'd you find
a Red Lobster in this rich man's enclave?
- I drove to Salinas.
- Oh!
- Salinas?
- Mm-hmm.
Don't tell me lobster and Cheddar Bay
biscuits don't travel. This is heaven!
- What'd you get?
- [laughs] It's so good.
I got that Parrot Isle
jumbo coconut shrimp.
- Mmh.
- Got a little kick to it.
I usually get the Admiral's Feast,
'cause in many ways, I am an admiral.
- [Sam] Oh yeah.
- Oh, lookie here!
[mouth full] Oh, hi. Permission to,
uh, go to the galley for some napkins?
Permission granted. While you're there,
grab a bottle of white.
- I got it. Okay. Want something?
- I'm okay. Thank you.
- [Lonnie] You sure?
- I'm good.
Milk? White wine?
- Tap water?
- [Sam] I'll go and get it.
- How about a slice of cheese?
- Slice of cheese?
Mm! I got pudding.
You want some chocolate pudding?
- I'm okay.
- You're good?
Thank you. You had something for me?
Yeah.
[Lonnie groaning]
I've been holding on
to these things for a long time.
- What are they?
- [Lonnie sighs]
Your grandmother gave me
these three clubs when I was a kid.
She found them in a thrift store
in Yuba City.
She cut them down to size,
and she said, "Go play."
And go play I did.
These are the inspirations
that made my life extraordinary.
[laughs softly] Look at this putter.
- Yeah.
- Thing looks like it's 100 years old.
Yeah, look at that. Wooden shaft.
That's the way they used to make 'em.
I got pretty good with this thing.
[sighs deeply]
I held on to 'em forever
'cause I'm a sentimental creature.
But here,
feel the power of your legacy, son.
Look.
I know we haven't… really been…
close.
For a long time,
I was… pretty mad at you and--
No, I know. I wasn't around,
and I regret that, son.
- It's just, your mother--
- Just let me finish.
I will. But your mother
didn't want me around--
Yeah, go ahead. Finish.
But it… it was her fault. But go.
I was just saying,
you know, I've been mad at you.
And I'm trying to put all that behind me.
I just got some shit
I'm dealing with right now.
Some of it's stupid.
Some of it's super fucking serious.
What do you mean by serious?
I mean, it's nothing I can't handle.
But I think…
Um…
I just… Well, I just wanted to say, um…
You don't need to say another word.
I love you too.
[soft music playing]
[sniffs]
[clears throat, coughs]
[chuckles lightly]
What time's your, uh, like,
tee time tomorrow or whatever?
- Tomorrow?
- Yeah, tomorrow.
Uh, the guy said 9:15.
9:15? That's cool. 9:15's a good time.
- How about you?
- What's up?
- Your tee time?
- My tee time?
- What's your tee time?
- Uh, 11:30.
- That's a good tee time.
- Yeah.
- Both are…
- They're great.
- Good times.
- Really good tee times.
Solid-ass times.
Well, maybe we'll get to play…
over the weekend together.
- Yeah, maybe. I'd like that, Dad.
- That'd be good.
- Yeah.
- Would you?
- I would.
- I'm not gonna go easy on you.
- Okay.
- I wanna win that US Open, okay?
- Hey. Go for it.
- [chuckles] I will.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Hey, and what was the thing again,
that… that's so serious?
Oh… Don't worry about that.
What are those?
My Dad gave me his childhood clubs.
As a peace offering?
Or like a chess move?
Nah. He's not the worst guy in the world.
- I… I think he meant it.
- [Crystal] Hmm…
He could be gaming you.
Or I could be gaming him.
[on recording] Hard iced tea
With a taste that's soft ♪
Teed Off! Teed Off! ♪
[on recording] Hi. I'm Stacy Hawkins,
creator of Teed Off hard iced tea.
I'm unavailable right now, but leave
a message and I'll get back to you.
- Teed Off! ♪
- [beeping]
Hey, Stacy?
Hey, it's Lonnie.
I'm just calling to say…
I'm sorry.
I, uh…
I'm sorry for…
messing everything up
with you and Lance and…
I don't want you to worry.
I… Look,
I mean, he has some issues for sure, but…
but I think he's working through 'em
and he's about to turn the corner.
He's a good kid.
And you're a good mother.
Also, I'm sorry I got handsy with you
while you were crying
in the bathroom in Vegas.
I read the room wrong.
If I didn't read the room wrong,
and you want another go in the sack,
let me know, because I will
drop everything. Just say the word.
It's weird being back at Pebble Beach.
[up-tempo rock music building]
A lot of memories.
After I missed that putt in 2010,
nothing made sense to me anymore.
I was a broken man.
But now I'm gonna try
and show you both what I'm made of.
Would I like to face him again? You bet.
Beating Lonnie Hawkins,
that was a really big moment for me.
And, uh, I went on
a pretty good run after that.
And the run's not over yet.
So, yeah, I'd love for it to come down
to me and Lonnie again.
Does my dad have a chance?
Um…
Sure. Uh, it's gonna be tough, though.
There's a lot of good,
young golfers out here.
Guys who are actually in their prime.
So… we'll see.
First off, it's great to be back.
Uh, who do I think is gonna win?
I'm not sure. It's tough to say.
I mean, Golden's obviously
playing really well.
But, um, I feel like the show
is all about Lonnie and Lance.
I think it was real nice of the USGA
to give him an exemption.
At his age and his ability,
you gotta figure
this is his last major, right?
It's hard to be able
to handle the pressure
for four days at a place like Pebble
and be competitive.
So I guess we're just gonna
have to wait and see.
Look, I think there's
obviously a lot of noise
around two golfers because of something
that happened almost 20 years ago.
So I'm trying to stay focused
on the present.
Trying not to get in my own head,
because we know that has certainly been…
Sounds to me he knows Golden's coming,
just knock, knock, knocking on the door.
- Kind of in the middle of…
- Excuse me.
[reporter] You had a chance
at the Grand Slam
here at Pebble a long time ago,
and you missed an easy putt.
Some people have said
it's the worst choke in golf history.
Will that be in the back of your mind
when you tee off tomorrow morning?
- [music fades]
- [cameras click]
[intense music builds slowly]
Can you repeat the question?
They just wanna see some blood, huh? ♪
- [crunching]
- [screeching]
They bettin' 50 racks
That he ain't gettin' up ♪
[hawk screeches]
- [bell dings]
- I'm kinda feelin' like… ♪
["Buss Em Up
(The Illusory Alchemist Remix)" playing]
[bell dings]
Buss em up! ♪
Buss em up! ♪
Buss em up! ♪
Buss em up! ♪
Buss, buss, buss… ♪
- [bell dings]
- Uh! ♪
I ain't got nothing to lose ♪
You could not fit in my shoes ♪
I do not easily bruise
You won't be able to chew ♪
[straw slurping]
Sip through a straw when I'm through
Feelin' like, "Hold up!" ♪
You know a young'un bout to go nuts ♪
I'm bout to hit him with 100 blows
To the dome ♪
He won't live to see another round
TKO ♪
[operatic instrumental continues]
Buss em up! Buss em up! ♪
Buss em up! ♪
Buss, buss, buss ♪
- [bell dings]
- [music fades]