The Last Man On Earth (2015) s01e09 Episode Script

Previously on The Last Man on Earth Look what I did.
Big news, everyone! I'm finally moving in with my husband! Isn't this great? The best.
Carol Carol! Is everything okay? You were making that sound again.
All right.
I gotta tighten up the mask.
Just I like to wear it loose so I don't get pressure sores.
But it's a trade-off? Yeah, yeah do you have to wear that thing all the time? Phil sleep apnea's a part of who I am.
Just like dandruff and aggressive night toots are a part of who you are.
Okay.
Well, fine.
Just please tighten the mask.
Yes, my prince.
Okay.
Okay.
Hey, Phil, living together's pretty fun, isn't it? Yeah.
Yeah.
Quick good night kiss? Good night.
Good night.
Right Carol? What did you do to the Monet? Well, this old thing didn't have any life in it, so I painted a fun little dog on it.
I saw that.
Hi there, little guy.
I call it Dog Bridge, by Monet and Carol.
Isn't it better? No, it is not.
Please don't paint on my paintings.
Wait, where are all my magazines? You mean the dirty magazines.
Yes.
Where are those? They're in the garage in a box labeled "Molested Girls.
" Can you please not move my stuff anymore? Phil, we're living together, so it's no longer "my" stuff and "your" stuff Now it's "our" stuff.
Fine.
Well, please don't move "our" dirty magazines anymore because "we" like them in this room where "we" can get at them more easily.
Well, marriage is about compromise, so why don't we meet in the middle here? Why don't you try this on for size.
A breast exam pamphlet? Ooh.
Do your worst.
Carol, I don't want to masturbate - to a breast exam pamphlet! - Phil! Did you wash your hands with the decorative hand soap? That's for company! What company are we gonna have? There are only two other people on Earth! Well, when they're over here, they deserve to be pampered.
If you have a problem with my soap use, you can go write it up on the grievance board.
If I can find any room! It's already filled with complaints about you.
Well, if I'm so bad, then why do you want to live with me? Because you're my husband, and I'm your wife.
And you better get used to it.
- Where you going? - To get used to it! Well, pick up a new attitude while you're at it.
I will! And toilet paper.
And decorative hand soap.
You know what? I'm just gonna make a quick list hold on one second.
Stupid shopping list.
- I'm just evening it out, up here.
- Let me see.
- Okay.
You ready? - Yes.
- Are you sure? - I don't know.
Ta-da! I love it! I think you look great.
You look great.
- Look at that.
- Cutest couple on the cul-de-sac.
_ Okay, let's see.
Toilet paper, check.
Decorative hand soap, check.
Paper towels, check.
Coffee filters, check.
Lighter fluid, check.
Matches, check.
There you go, Carol! I finished your stupid shopping list! Will you let me have my life back now? You're just up there laughing at me, God, aren't you? Why did you do this?! Why'd you make it seem like Carol was the last woman on Earth and then introduce me to Melissa?! And then you bring freakin' Todd into the picture?! So funny, God! I forgot to laugh! So funny.
I was being sarcastic.
If I only knew then what I know now.
I just wish I could have a do-over.
I wish I could have a do-over.
My God! This is amazing! We're not alone! I-I'm Gail.
This is Erica.
My God.
Hi-hi, Gail.
Hi, Erica.
I'm Phil! So were you the one who put up those "Alive in Tucson" billboards? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Those were mine.
I-I I did that.
So, it's just you? You're-you're all alone out here? Yes.
Yes, yes.
It's just me.
It's just me.
Do you mind? No! Aw! Can't believe how alone I've been.
You know, just two years, all by my lonesome.
- You poor thing.
- Yeah.
Well, you're not alone anymore.
We're here now.
Yeah.
You are.
Well this is us.
To a man being alive! Alive in Tucson! And then there were three! This champagne is good! Oprah quality.
So, tell me about yourselves.
Erica, do I detect a little accent? Yes, you do, Phil.
I thought as much.
I was born in Sydney and I moved to Brisbane and then Adelaide and Crikey.
That's a lot of places.
Now, Gail, how 'bout you? I'm just a dumb little country girl from Wilmington, North Carolina.
Now, Gail, I can already tell that you are very intelligent.
You are the smart one Those billboards.
That was genius.
I don't know about genius.
E = MC squared.
"I" before "E" except after "C.
" Sorry, that just popped out.
Anyway, my hubby and I had a restaurant on the waterway there.
My God.
I love restaurants.
Love waterways, too.
Yeah.
And, how did the two of you guys meet? Well, after the virus, I started doing things on my bucket list.
And, um, we ran into each other at the White House.
I'm kind of a political nerd.
Me, too! Donkeys and elephants.
Love 'em both.
Love the process.
So, anyway, we've been traveling together ever since.
This is crazy.
We thought we were the only two people left on Earth.
So I guess, that's the end of that chapter.
Of course, maybe Phil's not even into girls.
"Maybe Phil isn't into girls.
" I got news for you, lady.
I'm v Yeah, very much into girls.
Well, I got to have some more of that champagne or I'm literally gonna die.
I got it.
I got it.
Here you go.
Ooh, Phil.
You were married? well, um You don't have to answer.
There's no need to dredge up the past.
Gail's right.
The past is the past.
To the future.
You know what? I should probably head out for a few.
No.
- Did we scare you off? - No, no, no.
I just got to go deal with some stuff.
You know, feed the meter, check the stove, drop by the bank.
Do you want to come back for dinner? I would love to come to dinner.
So I will see you guys in a couple hours.
To the future.
There you are.
Where have you been? I've been worried sick about you.
Just out getting you your items.
You got the toilet paper.
Well, that's not all.
I got you everything on your shopping list, you know.
And not out of obligation or guilt.
Definitely not out of guilt.
- Hotel sundries? I love this stuff! - Yeah.
Wait, Phil, what were you doing at a hotel? Meeting your mistress? Carol Carol Good one.
Phil, I'm not a dummy.
We both know what you were up to today.
We do? Yeah.
You were finding your smile.
You got out of the house, you had a little alone time, and you started to find your smile.
Yeah.
You know that term? Finding your smile? It's from City Slickers.
- The movie City Slickers? - Yeah.
Okay.
Bill Crystal's having some life problems, so he goes to a dude ranch to find his smile.
- And? - He finds it.
Good for him.
- Yeah, he just needed to get away.
- Good.
You know, Carol, maybe you're right.
Having a little time to myself today really got my juices flowing.
I mean, I'm like a frigging juice factory right now.
Well, your juices should never go stagnant.
I mean, they could coagulate.
Yeah! No, they could.
They could, they could.
You know, what if I were to go do some camping tonight? You know, get out there and and really look at the man in the mirror? 'Cause I found, like, a little Mona Lisa smile today.
But I want to find a real toothy grin, you know? I say go for it, Phil.
Whatever you're doing, it's working.
So keep doing it.
I-Is that an order? Big time! 'Cause when you smile, I smile.
Now git.
That's what they say on the dude ranch.
To the doggies.
Okay, well, see ya, and I would want to be ya, 'cause you're great.
Thanks, Phil.
Later.
What about your camping gear? Your smile and the moon.
That's my camping gear.
Well, then here's a big one to get you through the night.
It's a good pic.
Guys, hear me out.
I am aware that, on paper, this whole Gail and Erica situation looks super dicey.
But look, I asked God for a do-over and then, like, seconds later, these women showed up.
That seems like an incredibly clear sign to me.
And Carol specifically asked me to keep doing what I'm doing.
Now, I know that I withheld a few key facts from her, but the bottom line is I think leading this double life is gonna make Phil Miller a better husband to her.
Okay? When I smile, she smiles.
But, look, hey, I want to hear your take on this, okay? If you think I'm making a mistake right now, please say so.
No? Nobody? All right, don't be shy.
This is a free speech zone.
Always has been, always will be.
All right, okay.
How do I look? You guys! Thank you.
I think he's gonna love it.
- I think he's gonna love it.
- Excuse me, ladies! We've gotten a few noise complaints.
Hey! Phil! Apparently, you're being too quiet.
Whoa, you ladies clean up real nice.
Right back at you, Phil wait, what's your last name? Cormaneau.
Well, Phil Cormaneau, shall we adjourn to the dining room? I never thought you'd ask.
My God, what's all this? Gail is an amazing chef.
Aren't you sweet.
Wait, are those raisin balls? God, no, those a Butterfinger cookie dough truffles.
What are raisin balls? They're raisins that've been mushed together by someone's dirty hands.
Well, that sounds gross.
Who would make something like that? Raisin balls? I'll definitely have one of those.
All right.
Well, you know, the place looks really nice, Carol.
Thank you, Todd.
I've been working hard to blend Phil's and my stuff together in a way that makes both of us happy.
Well, I'm sure Phil's gonna love it.
Where is Phil? Camping.
He wanted some alone time.
- That's weird.
- I don't know, Melissa.
You know, camping can be a very spiritual experience.
God! Todd, are you in love with Phil? - No, I'm not.
- It seems like it sometimes.
I mean, maybe you should be married to him instead of Carol.
Look, I am just playing devil's advocate here, because I feel like, you know, sometimes you're a little hard on him.
Well, I don't trust him.
I'm sorry, Carol.
You know I just want what's best for you.
I know how you feel, Melissa, but I know what I'm doing with him.
And, how much trouble can he get in? More tequila? Your funeral, buddy.
Here we go.
Close your mouth.
My God, this guy is amazing.
I'm so glad that the last man on Earth is fun.
I'm just relieved that he's cute.
Right back at you.
This is good! Yes.
You guys are liking that food? So, Phil, what'd you think when we first popped out of that car? Were you like, "Uh-oh! Who are these two crazy ladies?" As if.
My God, no, it was like a like a dream.
Talk about a bucket list.
You got a hot older lady, black girl.
Ooh! Yes, please.
Don't mind if I do.
Older lady? Glad my skin color matched up to your bucket list.
I-I didn't You know, I didn't mean it the-the way that it, seems.
Appar Like, I'm I did not mean it like that.
Well then how did you mean it, Phil? You know, I meant it, like, you know, Wh-Wh It-It You know, an extremely attractive, experienced, age-neutral woman, and-and another, you know, regardless of skin color black woman.
You know, I-I don't even know that you're black.
I don't I-I You know, I don't know Do How do I know? What are you? I don't know.
You know? What are all of us? Wow, this sure took a turn.
I'm so sorry.
I screwed up.
I screwed up.
I-I You deserve to know the truth.
The truth about what? A-About Carol.
Who's Carol? My wife.
Phil's a good person, Melissa.
Well, if he makes you happy, Carol, that's good enough for me.
He does make me happy.
Sure, he does some weird stuff at times, but his heart's in the right place.
Yeah, Carol is my wife.
Well was my wife.
She passed away many moons ago.
She died a long, protracted death.
And, you know, I nursed her through it.
Every step of the way.
I was there for her.
And there were many steps.
I'm just that kind of person.
Awful.
That's terrible.
Yeah, sometimes I'd be tamping her forehead with a cool cloth, and she'd look up to me and she'd say, through her oxygen mask: "Phil, you're the best thing that's ever happened to me.
" - Aw dear - My God, Phil.
My God.
She said that.
Thank you, that feels good.
That feels good.
At the end of her life, she told me she said, "Phil get out there, meet other women, find your smile.
Ball's in your court.
I'm dying.
I'm almost dead.
" I just couldn't bring myself to do it.
'Cause whenever I see a single woman I'm thinking about her in her coffin.
We will get you through this.
We're here for you, Phil.
Hey, Care Bear? That's what I used to call her.
Smile found.
Hey, sorry again for bringing down the party with my true story about my dead wife.
I have an idea about how to get this party back on track.
Let's all go skinny-dipping down at the hot springs.
You are crazy.
A warning, Phil, this lady will have you doing things that you never thought you'd do.
So, how about it, Phil are you in? Race you to the car.
Aah! That's nice decorative soap.
Thank you.
Phil got that for me today, from a hotel.
Wasn't that sweet? There, you see? Now that's a good guy.
You know, we should do something nice for Phil.
Show him our appreciation for everything he's done for us.
That's a great idea, Todd.
Phil deserves a little random act of kindness with a side of senseless act of beauty.
What do you say, Melissa? I think you guys have had too much wine.
You know what we should do? We should go to the party store, fill the house with balloons.
Yes, yes, yes! I love it! Race you to the car.
Okay! - I love hot springs.
- Yeah.
They're better than cold springs.
Phil, just to save a little time, why don't you go ahead and get those pants off? Carol would've wanted me to get these pants off.
Yeah, you're right.
Okay.
Wait, what's that? - Holy balls, it's another car.
- No No, those are lightning bugs.
We get 'em here all the time.
- Flash your lights, flash your lights.
- No, no, no, no, no! No! They flashed back! Can you believe it, Phil? - No, no, no, no, no, no - More people must've seen your billboards.
No, no, no, no, no - no, no - Wow.
Goodness.
Hello! I guess a hug is in order.
- My gosh.
- Well, hi.
My God.
Amazing.
Wow.
Wha I I'm Carol.
I'm Carol.
- Todd! - I'm Gail.
I'm Erica.
We're months without seeing anyone.
And then we meet four new people, all in one day.
You have to meet our-our nice young man friend.
We were just going skinny-dipping.
Yow! - Come on! - Yeah.
- Hey.
- Hey.
What you doing in there? Open up.
What is what is he doing? What is he do Hey! Phil?! Wait, you know Phil? Phil's my husband.
Surprise.