Duck Dodgers (2003) s01e10 Episode Script

MARTIAN QUEEN: It looks like your latest experiment was a success, commander.
MARVIN: Yes, Your Majesty, my time portal is working flawlessly.
And I've determined the pivotal event in Duck Dodgers' life.
It occurred while Dodgers was a football player at Big State University.
A championship victory as his team's quarterback galvanized him into being the Dodgers we know today.
I will simply travel back in time, prevent this event from occurring and Duck Dodgers will never trouble us again.
MARTIAN QUEEN: Are you sure Dodgers won that championship? COMMANDER: Quite sure.
MARTIAN QUEEN: You were wrong when you told me that Dodgers' mother invented the Post-it Note.
COMMANDER: Liquid Paper.
- Whatever! COMMANDER: This time, I can't be wrong! I guarantee that Duck Dodgers won that game! You will see that I am correct.
Farewell, my queen.
[SCREAMING.]
By my calculations this should be the place.
Huh? [CROWD CHEERING.]
[PLAYERS GRUNTING.]
That's the way to stomp them! Grind the little squirt into the 50 yard line! COMMANDER: Dodgers? All right, men, the key to victory is water! COMMANDER: Water? Guys, remember to keep your insides wet and hydrated! COMMANDER: Excuse me, but aren't you going to join your men out on the field? No, my strange little friend.
My place is here on the sidelines.
COMMANDER: But aren't you the quarterback? Quarterback? Ha! I'm the water boy.
I'm here at Big State U on a water boy scholarship.
- A water boy scholarship? - Oh, yeah! They put me in charge of it all! Bottled water.
Well water.
Water balloons.
Watermelon.
- Is that it? - Water on the knee.
- Done yet? - Um, there's one more my personal favorite: seltzer water! - Well, isn't that ordinary.
- Oh, a water hater, huh? COMMANDER: So let me get this straight.
You have absolutely no intention of becoming the quarterback and leading your team to victory in the championship game? I'm already living the dream, baby! COMMANDER: All right, if you're quite sure.
I'll see you around.
Wow.
Those mascot outfits get uglier every year.
I simply can't be mistaken about Dodgers winning the game.
Perhaps I arrived on Earth too early.
Hm.
- Go deep, big guy! COMMANDER: I knew it! It's finally happening! Dodgers is throwing the water bottle? - Thanks, water boy.
- I can't imagine a more rewarding job.
COMMANDER: This is most irksome.
Perhaps I need to help this situation along.
Are you the current quarterback at Big State University? - Yeah.
- I'm your new American History tutor.
- Yeah.
- And the best way to learn is - through firsthand experience.
- Yeah.
So please enjoy this up close and personal lesson on the Battle of Little Bighorn.
Goodbye.
Thank you.
Whoa, I can't believe the quarterback chose this week to go to Montana.
Yeah, who's gonna lead us to victory in the big game? Poor slobs.
Don't they realize water is the answer? COMMANDER: Oh, Dodgers! I've signed you up for the quarterback tryouts.
Hey, anybody home? I already told you.
I'm the water boy.
COMMANDER: I guess I should have listened to them when they said you weren't a water boy, you were a water baby.
Water baby! Did they really call me a water baby? COMMANDER: Um, something to that effect.
Cut to the quick, and after all I've done for those under-hydrated lads.
COMMANDER: There's only one thing for you to do.
You're right, I must run away and join the circus.
COMMANDER: I was thinking more like proving them wrong.
Yeah, but then what would I do with this rubber nose.
[NOSE HONKING.]
COMMANDER: Give me that! You're not the Duck Dodgers I know.
The Duck Dodgers I know wouldn't shrink from this assignment! Why he'd jump at the chance! He'd chase an enemy across the galaxy and just when that enemy was on the verge of victory and the resulting promotion, the Dodgers I know would swoop in and ruin the whole thing making his enemy's life a complete and miserable failure! - That's the Duck Dodgers I know! - I'll do it! [BAND PLAYING UPBEAT TUNE.]
DODGERS: All right, boys, huddle up! We're gonna run a halfback option with a fullback half-track.
Left foot green, right hand blue! Go directly to jail.
Do not pass go! Break.
[ALL CHEERING.]
Six! Thirty six! Nine times the square root of eleven.
Hike! [PLAYERS GROWLING.]
[PLAYERS GRUNTING.]
Ooh! Did any of you guys hear a sickening popping sound? DODGERS: That was my spleen.
Superstar coming through! Make way for greatness? Unh! COMMANDER: We're already behind.
But I'm sure that Dodgers is the winner! I am a winner! I am unstoppable! I am in excruciating pain.
COMMANDER: I'm positive that Dodgers led his team to victory.
I can't be wrong.
We need a touchdown to win, and only nine seconds to go.
Time out! [WHISTLE BLOWS.]
Excuse me buddy, you're standing on my face.
Thank you.
COMMANDER: Dodgers, good.
I've evaluated our opponents' formations and-- - I quit! - You can't quit! I'm a water boy, not a quarterback.
I guess you were wrong.
Wrong? I can't be wrong! There is no word in the Martian language for "wrong.
" Here, take this.
I was saving it to destroy you.
- What? - Never mind, just put it on and things will be different.
Okay.
I have nothing if not stick-to-it-iveness.
Good boy.
Now get back out there! You will prove that I am an infallible genius! [HELMET BLEEPING.]
COMMANDER: Placing a brainwave override receptor on Dodgers' helmet will allow me to seize control of his body with this remote control.
Wrong I will not be.
Fifteen, three-oh-one.
Hut, hut.
Hike! [REMOTE BEEPING AND DODGERS GRUNTING.]
Leap and evade! It's working! Spinning side step combo! PLAYERS: Whoa! Whoa! Hello, Heisman! COMMANDER: Finishing move! Rocket's red glare! PLAYERS: Aah! [HORN TOOTING.]
[CROWD CHEERING.]
Yahoo! I was right! Yay, team.
[LAUGHING.]
Who's your daddy now, Queenie? Oh.
Um, congratulations on winning the big game, Dodgers.
Well I couldn't have done it without you, little chum.
COMMANDER: You had it inside you the whole time.
- I just helped bring it out.
- Yeah, I guess I did.
Why, I'll bet I'm capable of all sorts of outrageous heroics.
COMMANDER: I'm sorry, but my job is finished here and so I must go.
- Will I ever see you again? - You just may, Dodgers, you just may.
Heh, heh.
Did you realize that the sole survivor of Custer's battalion at the Battle of Little Bighorn was a horse named Comanche? Greetings, your Highness.
I'm proud to report that I was right.
Duck Dodgers did become the hero of the game.
MARTIAN QUEEN: So you didn't manage to stop him? COMMANDER: Stop him? Um, I'm afraid not.
[MARTIAN QUEEN SIGHS.]
MARTIAN QUEEN: Oh, well.
Dodgers is a worthy adversary.
Wait a minute, computer, enlarge sector X-D 700 percent.
That's you! You're helping him! You're right about Dodgers winning the game but he only succeeded because you were there.
COMMANDER: Oh, fudge.
MARTIAN QUEEN: Well, commander? Success? COMMANDER: Oh, yes, Your Majesty.
- Your efforts shall not go unrewarded.
COMMANDER: Bring him in! I give you Duck Dodgers! Kneel before the queen, mongrel! Aah! MARTIAN QUEEN: Stop this outrage! He is your future king! - Any idea what she's talking about? - None.
I'll just play along.
MARTIAN QUEEN: Forgive me, dearest! Did he hurt you? COMMANDER: But I'm supposed to hurt him.
MARTIAN QUEEN: Rest assured, my love, he shall pay.
Guards! Seize the commander and have him await my punishment! COMMANDER: And this day started out so promising.
Can I get a little more skinny on this "king of Mars" gig? MARTIAN QUEEN: Time and again, against all odds you have proven yourself a worthy opponent.
I have, haven't I? Therefore, I have selected you as my imperial consort.
You know, I've always thought you were some looker, for a chick without a face.
MARTIAN QUEEN: You shall have power, wealth, and glory beyond your wildest dreams.
Oh, my darling.
Our love will be one for the ages.
MARTIAN QUEEN: But before we wed, you must face three Martian trials.
Ha! I spit in danger's cold, dead eye, baby! Better buzz the cadet.
Little ham hock's probably worried sick.
Not on the bridge.
Not in the Evaporator.
[CADET HUMMING.]
- Round boy.
- Aah! DODGERS: Guess what? - What, sir? - I'm gonna be king of Mars! Okay.
E-mail my resignation to old I.
Q.
Hi, but let him down easy.
I'm his favorite.
- Okay.
- And you can cancel the rescue party.
Rescue party? You know, the one for me when you realized I was abducted by Martians, like, an hour ago.
Heh, heh, heh.
Right.
That rescue party.
The wedding's the day after tomorrow.
Drop by if you're in the neighborhood.
I think we're having them big shrimps for dinner.
Dodgers out.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
Come in.
COMMANDER: It will no doubt give you great joy to know that I've been demoted and reassigned as your palace slave boy.
Well, I'm not one who delights in the misfortune of a noble adversary.
- Really? - No! Ha, ha, ha! COMMANDER: Get some rest, master.
Your trials begin at dawn.
MARTIAN QUEEN: Welcome to the first trial.
The test of combat! [CROWD CHEERING.]
I give you Duck Dodgers! [SILENCE.]
[CRICKET CHIRPING.]
MARTIAN: Loser! Ahem.
MARTIAN QUEEN: My potential beloved must vanquish the mightiest beast on Mars.
The Cytops! [GROWLING.]
[ALL CHEERING.]
MARTIAN QUEEN: Fight bravely.
- Aah! Who? What? Where? When? Aah! [GROWLING.]
Come on, hover board! Hover! Hover! Aah! Too quick for you, eh, Vin Diesel? This can't end well.
COMMANDER: Oh, goody! I mean, how dreadful.
Maybe we can discuss this like rational beings.
You don't wanna eat me, pal.
I'm malnourished.
I'm--Say, did you ever notice the unsightly wax build-up in your ears? - Huh? Really? - You must be so embarrassed.
- But I can help you out.
- Yeah? Sure can, bright eye! Just one scrape with this electro-swabby doohickey will fix you up as easy as one, two, three! Aah! [CROWD GASP AND MURMURING.]
The Cytops.
Is he? [GRUNTING.]
I win, baby! Whoo! [ALL GRUMBLING.]
And wait, I think I hear a heartbeat.
Yep, blinkie's going to be okay! [ALL CHEERING.]
MARTIAN QUEEN: The space poets will sing of our union for all eternity.
COMMANDER: I give it a week.
MARTIAN QUEEN: And now the second trial, the test of endurance.
You must make your way back to the palace from the heart of the cruel Martian desert.
Fear not, my hot-blooded Martian beauty.
I shall not fail thee.
MARTIAN QUEEN: Commence Evaporation.
Hop to, slave boy.
Must not keep Queenie waiting.
[GRUNTING.]
Hey, slave boy, got any water? COMMANDER: Ah, finally his thirst has set in.
- This will be his undoing.
- Water.
I said do we have any water? No water, master.
And all that lies before us is arid wasteland where even the strongest go mad with thirst! Oh.
Well, I guess I'll just have to eat these babies dry.
- What? - Oh, I just love salty snacks on a road trip.
- Want some? - No! They'll make me thirsty! More for me.
Let's go.
DODGERS: Sure you don't want any pretzels? - I feel like such a pig.
- No thanks.
DODGERS: I mean, I ate all the saltines and the peanuts and two bags of those fake onion rings.
COMMANDER: Don't worry about me.
DODGERS: Oh, yeah, and that whole box of salt.
That little girl with the umbrella she's so cute.
COMMANDER: She sure is.
Aah! Water! Water! Got to have water! Aah! It's here somewhere! Gotta dig, dig, dig! That's right.
Dare to dream, baby.
Dare to dream.
COMMANDER: I did it! I can hear the life-giving fluids gurgling to the surface! - At last! - Thanks, S.
B.
Nice work.
My hands always get so sticky when I eat snacks.
And don't even mention my feet.
[FLIES BUzzlNG.]
Get your stinking, diseased feet out of my drinking - water? - Oops.
Easy come, easy go.
[CRYING.]
- How do you do it? - What, the heat? This is nothing.
I've got a timeshare in Palm Springs.
[THUMP.]
Look! Duck Dodgers has passed the second trial! Hakuna Matata! MARTIAN QUEEN: Let us begin the third and final trial.
The test of logic.
Now, for our wedding reception, do you prefer a live band? Because I'm a DJ man myself.
[IMITATES RECORD SCRATCHING.]
MARTIAN QUEEN: If the Earthling can best the sages of Mars then he is truly fit to rule by my side.
Release the ritualistic gasses.
What's with the fog machine? COMMANDER: The gasses cleanse both mind and spirit.
Ugh.
Smells like somebody's burning a diaper.
SAGE: Step forward, Duck Dodgers.
A king must be smart and cunning, able to face unknown circumstances and outwit adversaries.
- Are you worthy, Dodgers? - Heck yeah I'm worthy! Then, behold! One of these cards is the Queen of Hearts.
If you can find the queen, after the cards are shuffled then you are indeed noble and worthy.
Let her rip, Santy Claus.
SAGE: Okay, folks, here we go.
Keep your eyes on the prize.
And everyone wins.
And every one's a winner.
- Show me the lucky lady.
- Right here, chief.
[SAGE GASPS.]
MARTIAN QUEEN: He did it! Phew.
Heh, heh.
I guess all those years I spent as a transient carnival worker finally paid off.
MARTIAN QUEEN: Loyal subjects, the next king of Mars, Duck Dodgers! Let us retire to our sleeping chambers, my sweet.
For tomorrow you make me the happiest queen in the universe! Aw.
Stop.
You're making me blush.
[DODGERS LAUGHS.]
COMMANDER: You're making me sick.
Oh, slave boy, where's my late night snack? I grow more famished by the second.
COMMANDER: Your grapes, master.
Peel them for me? COMMANDER: I'll peel your--! Argh! I give up.
Congratulations, Dodgers, you win.
I guess you do deserve to marry my beautiful queen be king of Mars and run the methane farms of Uranus.
That's right, Baby.
King.
King of.
Hey! Rewind to that part about Uranus.
Why, the king's sole responsibility is to oversee the methane farms.
It's an all-consuming, full-time job.
Giant industrial refineries create pure energy out of ordinary foul-smelling animal waste.
[ANIMAL FARTING.]
[GRUNTS.]
DODGERS: Give me that thing! I mean, why should I settle down now? I have my whole life ahead of me.
I hardly know this girl.
Greetings, captain.
- Happy wedding day.
- The wedding is off.
- The big shrimp too? - Big shrimp too.
Lock onto my signal and evaporate me out of here in two minutes.
You have served me well, slave boy, now scram.
And if you'll excuse me, I have one thing left to do.
Who's there? It's over, baby cakes.
Too bad you were foolish enough to believe that we had something here.
MARTIAN QUEEN: Oh, my dearest, whatever do you mean? Don't you "my dearest" me, sister! I set up this whole adventure to sweet talk secrets out of you for the Galactic Protectorate! MARTIAN QUEEN: But we kidnapped you.
This whole adventure! [SPEAKS IN SPANISH.]
We'll always have Paris.
Welcome back, Captain Dodgers.
Aah! Get us out of here before they ship me off to the methane farms of Uranus! But Uranus doesn't have any methane farms.
Why that untrustworthy loathsome little lying low-down sneak! Ha, ha.
You may have passed the queen's test, Dodgers, but you failed mine: The gullibility test.
Ha, ha, ha.
[English - US -SDH.]