Everybody Still Hates Chris (2024) s01e10 Episode Script

1
- One, two, three, four.
- Growing up, I was
horrible at taking tests.
If it was pass-fail,
I failed to pass.
But there was one
test I couldn't fail--
the career test.
- CEO.
- Tap dancer.
[feet tapping]
- Virgin corpse in urban pond.
How does this test
know I'm a virgin?
- It's not like these
results are binding.
Dispensable army private.
- Future Private Greg Wuliger,
I'm going to whip
your pasty ass.
Come with me.
- I am so in there.
[chuckles]
- Entrepreneur.
All right.
- He was already making
a fortune renting
out tapes of everything
from pay-per-view
fights to adult videos.
If the test was
right about Caruso,
was it right about me, too?
- You got any
Nancy Reagan movies,
if you know what I mean?
Huh?
- [sighs]
[upbeat hip-hop music]
- My mom had spent months
trying to get laid off
for severance,
but nothing was working
to help her stop working.
[cheers and applause]
♪
- Oh, these white
people and their cakes.
I got to shred something.
[shredder whirring]
Ah, that's better.
[shredder whirring]
- Is this what
everybody's paid?
Why is everybody
making more than me?
- 30 cents less for being a
woman and $2 for being Black.
I wanted to prove my
career test wrong,
so I was looking
for any help I could get.
- Hi, I'm Jody Devry.
Are you tired of feeling lost?
both: Yes.
- Are you tired
of feeling confused?
- Yes.
- All it takes to find
your purpose in life
is a mere $19.95.
- Dad--
both: I need $19.95.
- No.
- $19.95 wouldn't fix
your life anyway, Chris.
- I'd pay $19.95
for you to shut up.
- People love listening to me.
That's why they cast me as
the understudy for Dorothy
in Lamont Sanford Junior High's
production of "The Wiz."
- My sister, an understudy.
- [gasps] Daddy,
you got a VCR for a VIP?
You shouldn't have.
- Sorry, baby.
No, this is a gift for your
grandfather's birthday.
[knock on door]
- Aw.
[together]
Hey, Uncle Louis.
- You're back in town again.
- So soon.
- Well, duty called,
and I said hello duty.
And duty said,
would you like to pick up
a second job as a
third-string chiropractor
for the New York Giants?
And I said yes.
- Two jobs.
Copycat.
- Well, my two jobs pay well,
so it's different.
Ooh, is that a present
for our daddy?
I hate to be the
bearer of bad news,
but I got him an entertainment
system with a VCR.
Well, he could still use
yours as a doorstop, though.
- Oh, no, this isn't for Daddy.
This is for my kids.
- But you said that
we didn't have enough--
- Let this play out.
- [grunting]
- Dad.
- Oh, they're so great.
- [grumbling]
- Aw.
[grunts]
- Can't return that now.
- Oh! I'm going to tape
every single musical on PBS.
- No musicals.
They're so unrealistic.
People never break
into song like that.
- Characters break into song
because their emotions run so
high that words aren't enough.
Like when your
brother is so annoying ♪
- What did you get Daddy, then?
- Oh, I got him
something so amazing.
[chuckles]
Wait till you see it ♪
[sighs]
[bell rings]
[sneaky music]
- Thanks for getting
the tape for me.
Caruso would have
just flicked my nuts
while calling me the N-word.
- He actually asked me
to do that on his behalf,
but I'm not gonna.
- I appreciate it.
Wait, this isn't
a Jody Devry video.
What's "Urethral Weapon"?
- Yeah, Caruso doesn't have a
self-help tape in his locker,
so I rented a porno.
- What?
- Look, I know I keep saying
I'm so in there, but I--
I don't know how
to get in there.
And I got to know
before I ship out
and international babes
are throwing themselves
at me at every port.
- You should have asked me
before spending my money.
- I did you a favor.
You got to prove
your career test wrong
by learning how to bone.
- I guess you're right.
What's the point of even having
a future if I'm a virgin?
- Did you flick his nuts?
- Of course.
I very much did that.
- [groaning]
- If the tape's not returned
rewound in mint condition
in exactly 12 hours,
I'll make you a virgin corpse
in an urban pond.
[together]
You must pay, or no subway.
Please give us all more money.
- What's all this?
- For too long,
the MTA has disrespected us.
- Augh.
- Sorry, we're on strike.
What do we want?
[together] Better pay.
- When do we want it?
[together]
Now!
[bell dings]
- I'm coming for
my equal pay, Tim.
- Who's Tim?
- OK, one more time,
and I'm going to shove
that thing in you sideways.
[sensual saxophone music]
- This is the best
day of my life.
- Shh,
my sister might hear you.
- I'm going to jump off
this building to see
how my boobs flap in the wind.
[both gasp]
- Give me the remote.
- Oh, god.
- Oprah's having El DeBarge's
understudy, Prince, on today.
I want to record it
so I can pick up
some understudying tips.
- No, you can't tape over this.
- Why not?
- Either Caruso
was going to kill me,
or Tonya was going to tell our
parents, and they'd kill me.
Fine.
[cheers and applause]
- Thank you.
- You taped over the movie?
Caruso is going to kill us.
- No, he's not.
We're going to find him a
replacement for that tape.
I refuse to end up
a virgin corpse.
- You won't.
I promise that if
Caruso kills you,
I'll hire someone to
have sex with your body.
- I got furs.
Can't even tell
they're made of possum.
- Hey, do you have
anything risqué?
- Oh, my cousin, Risqué?
He works in Little France.
- I got brie fromage.
Can't even tell it's made
from the milk of the possum.
- No, something risqué.
Visual medium in the
adult consumer arena.
- Bitch, are you trying to
set me up with this cop?
- I'm not a cop.
- Mm-hmm, that's what
a cop would say.
- Th-- this is my friend,
Greg, and we're looking
for erotic depictions of
other reproductive functions.
- Are you a cop?
- Porn, man.
We're looking for porn.
- Oh, why didn't you
say so, youngblood?
I got "Black Girl
Sitting on the Toilet
Volume 2," "Black Girl Sitting
on the Toilet Volume 3."
- We're looking for
"Urethral Weapon."
- And we want a
military discount.
- "Urethral Weapon"?
Well, I don't watch Caucasian
adult cinema, but if I did,
I might head over
to Times Square,
and I might find
the video store on 46th,
and I might go behind
the curtain and check
out the shelf on the right.
But naked white
people are not for me.
[chuckles] You know the
ancestors be judging.
- If I don't get this
tape, I'll be an ancestor.
Thanks, Risky.
See, we'll get the movie and
my family won't find out I--
hide.
Hide.
Hide.
- Hey, Risky, I need a
birthday present for my father.
- Don't worry, I got you.
Pack of Virginia Slims.
Bottle of Brown Royale?
Pair of Air Gordons?
- No, no, no,
it's got to be better
than a brand-new entertainment
center and cost less than $8.
- But you've got more
than $8 in there.
- No, that's the gas money
to go to South Carolina
for my dad's birthday.
- Better than a brand-new
entertainment center,
but less than $8.
Ah, I think I've
got just the thing.
- Is it crack?
- It's crack, yeah.
- [grumbling]
- Yo, Risky,
let me put 20 on the Giants
missing an extra point
in the first quarter tonight.
- You can bet on that?
- Oh, you can bet on anything.
- I got a good feeling.
- My father had
more than a feeling.
He knew someone
with inside info.
Unfortunately,
it was his brother.
- To confirm,
that was a no on crack?
- Everybody, listen up.
We need to unionize.
[indistinct chatter]
You can't tell me
you enjoy working here.
- I do.
We get cake all the time.
- I know for a fact that cake
riles up your IBS, Martha.
- No, it doesn't.
- I mean, isn't it some B.S.
that you got to clock out
for your extra-long bathroom
breaks when they the ones
making you eat cake?
- It is B.S.
- What do you want, Paul,
besides better dental?
- What do you mean?
Our dental is fantastic.
What I want is to never
wear shoes at work again.
- Yes.
Good.
Come on, people.
Think outside the cubicle.
What do you really
want from this job?
- I want to make more
than $25 an hour.
- Yes, you do deserve
to make twice what I do.
We all deserve more than
this company gives us.
So are you ready to strike?
[together]
Yes!
- Eh, sure.
- Ooh,
I'll go buy a strike cake.
- No, Martha, your IBS.
- Damn my gut health.
- Julius,
what are you doing here?
- I can't let my
little bro come to town
and not hang with him.
- Well, you do it
every other time.
- Well, not this time.
Is this your room
or the damn lobby?
- I guess they give you free
upgrades when you're a doctor.
- And what do they
give chiropractors?
[chuckles]
No, I'm just playing.
Good for you, man.
Tell me about the Giants gig.
And be very specific.
- Having two jobs
is exhausting.
- [chuckles]
Tell me about it.
Now, really, tell me about it.
- I don't know how you do it.
Do you have any
tricks or anything?
- Take a nap
at every red light.
People will honk
when it's time to go.
Free alarm clock.
- I wish I could nap,
but there's no red lights
on Jim Burt's back.
- Oh, Jim Burt's injured, huh?
- Yeah, he threw out
his C7 at practice.
Oh, sorry, C7 is the
seventh vertebrae
in the cervical spine.
- Guess he's not
starting tonight, then.
- Well,
he will if I can fix him.
Honestly, I didn't
expect to work on a star.
But the first and
second-string chiros
got injured in a bar fight
with an acupuncturist,
so it's all on me.
You think I can do it, Julius?
- Louis, look at me.
You got this, OK?
You're going to fix him.
- My dad wanted to bet on
his brother fixing that back,
but he also knew for
damn sure that Louis
wasn't a real doctor.
Tape's due in four hours.
We got to get a cab.
How much you got?
- $5.63,
my inhaler, and a photo
of my mom with her
prison girlfriend.
- Let's see how many
blocks all that gets us.
Oh, man, We'll never get a cab.
- Got one.
- I'll take you,
but not your friend.
- Um
- Greg.
- I shouldn't leave him.
- Greg.
- Fine.
There's no way we're getting
that tape to Caruso on time.
We should call it.
Want to get some pizza?
- Greg was white, so he could
give up whenever he wanted,
but I couldn't.
No, we're in New York City.
Anything's possible here.
We just need a miracle.
And here it is.
[upbeat funky music]
Hold on tight, Greg.
There's no stopping us now.
♪
I mean now.
♪
I mean now.
♪
I mean now.
all: If you want us to work,
stop being such a jerk.
- Thank y'all so
much for helping.
Where'd you get
all these people?
- Oh, I didn't get them.
They just follow me everywhere.
- We do.
- It's an honor.
- Yep, time to
bullhorn at the man.
You cowards up there in your
ivory tower, you can't deny us.
What do we want?
- $50 an hour.
- No shoes.
- Drew!
- Paid bathroom breaks.
- When do we want it?
- Now!
- Always.
- Tonight.
- Whenever.
- And if my mama ever can't
make the picket, I'll be her
Understudy
and take her place ♪
- Huh?
- Excuse me?
- Understudy?
- All right, Rochelle,
that's enough.
Come upstairs.
We're willing to talk.
- Ha, we've got 'em
right where we want 'em.
[cheers and applause]
Wait, I just-- come on.
- The Giants' lineup
is looking strong tonight.
Thanks to the heroic efforts of
the third-string chiropractor,
Jim Burt will be starting
at defensive tackle.
- Damn it.
Crap, crap, crap.
[doorbell rings]
Hey, Risky.
Is there any way I can owe you?
I need that money to go
to my daddy's birthday.
- Then you shouldn't have bet
that Jim Burt wouldn't start.
- You bet Jim Burt
wouldn't start?
- Go, go, go, go, go.
Move, move, move, move.
Hey, what are you doing here?
- I had a success at work
and thought my brother would
want to celebrate with me.
I didn't expect him to
stab me in the back.
The back of a
chiropractor, no less.
- Oh, it's not what you think.
- You bet against me.
You bet that I
couldn't do my job.
- OK, it is what you think.
But I only did it
because I wanted
to get Elder Leroy
a birthday present
that could compete with yours.
- Good luck.
The entertainment
system is amazing.
- Yeah, I know.
It's just everything
comes so easy to you.
And I have to work
so hard for everything.
But it's no excuse.
I'm sorry I bet against you.
- I'm sorry, too,
that you're such
a loser you can't even afford
to go to Daddy's birthday.
I'll call you and tell you all
about it from my car phone.
Oh, and keep the wine.
Wine is like grape juice
but for rich people.
[funky music]
- Times Square
was different in the '80s.
Back then, the M&M
store was the S&M store,
and the Hard Rock Cafe was--
well, I can't say that here.
Look, there it is.
We only have one
hour to get the movie
and bring you back to Caruso.
[indistinct chatter]
- Look at this.
We'll never get
the tape in time.
Are you ready to call it now?
- No, I'm not going to be a
virgin corpse in an urban pond.
We are getting that tape.
I-- I've never felt so strongly
about anything in my life.
How do I express these
Emotions? ♪
Damn it, Tonya was right.
[synth-pop music]
- Not me ♪
Not my dead body ♪
Won't be my body ♪
No, it won't be me
that they find ♪
In a lake or in a wetland ♪
In a place where
fish do sexin' ♪
When an angel sees
my soul emerging ♪
But this body
won't be virgin ♪
Not me ♪
Not my dead body ♪
Let's turn it on ♪
Because I'm going to be
a pest guy or this guy ♪
At best I'll be selling
VCRs or moldy beef ♪
- Where's my meat ♪
- A paparazzi with a flash ♪
- Flash ♪
- A DJ with a 'stache ♪
- 'Stache ♪
- Or managing a strip club
where I also have a 'stache ♪
- Double 'stache ♪
- Not me ♪
- Woof ♪
- Not my dead body ♪
Gonna work at Red lobster ♪
Won't be my body ♪
He-he-he-he ♪
No, it won't be
me that they find ♪
Won't be drowning in a 40 ♪
Or floating towards
the lordy When it comes ♪
My time to draw the curtain ♪
Won't be near no
pond that's urban ♪
Not me ♪
Not my dead body ♪
There's the curtain.
[funky music]
Greg, look.
The tape's exactly where
Risky said it'd be.
- Hey, Chris?
- We did it.
We actually did it.
Screw that test.
I'm not going to die.
I'm going to have sex one day.
I'm in charge
of my own destiny.
- Chris, I think I was robbed.
- What?
Oh, god.
How did we get robbed
in Times Square?
[bell jingles]
[synth-pop music]
♪
- This is the worst
day of my life.
- At least you're
going to have a life.
The tape's due
back in 47 minutes.
And we have nothing.
Risky, you got to help us.
- No, it is moi, Risqué.
Everyone knows Risky
doesn't watch ze white porn.
[upbeat funky music]
- OK, Rochelle, let's talk.
- The only way we're
lowering our signs
is if you raise our salaries.
- Rochelle--
- Don't you Rochelle me.
You shut us out and shut
us up for long enough.
It's time for us--
- Rochelle, we've heard
you loud and clear,
and we're prepared to offer you
a generous severance package.
- You what now?
- Well, how'd it go?
- I went in there, and you
know what those pricks did?
They offered me
severance to walk away.
[all gasp]
Two months of pay and
health care for my family.
And what do you think I said?
all: No!
- That's right.
And then they offered
me three months.
And what do you think I said?
all: No!
- I said no.
And then they offered
me six months.
And do you know what I said?
all: No!
- Oh, I said yes, because
that's a really good deal.
I got three kids and
an overworked husband.
But y'all got to keep on
fighting the good fight.
- You go, girl.
Oh, excuse me.
Can I say that?
- We don't have
a leader anymore.
What do we do?
- They need the understudy.
- Damn right they do.
All right,
listen up, you lazy slobs.
Pretty people in the front.
Uggos in the back.
Let's go.
[upbeat funky music]
- Well,
see you on the other side.
- Hoo-ha.
- Cutting it a little
close, aren't you?
Give me the tape.
- Well, we actually,
uh, don't have it.
- You what?
- Uh--
- But we brought you
something better.
- We did?
- It fell out of Risqué's
stack in Times Square.
What?
I don't want my
only friend to die.
- What is this?
- [whispers]
A Black porno.
- These hips don't move
without half my pay up front.
- He can play with my
titties, but I'll be damned
if he play with my money.
[dramatic music]
- OK.
- Wait, really?
- This looks good.
I mean, I'll still
beat you guys,
but I won't hit your faces.
- Could you just beat him?
I don't want to miss boot camp.
- Sure.
- America thanks you, sir.
Sorry, Chris!
[feet tapping]
- Oh, oh, god.
Oh, you flattened my arch.
Damn it.
- [sighs]
- What's going on?
Oprah hasn't asked Prince one
question about El DeBarge.
Tsk, tsk.
- [sighs]
- OK, what's going on, Julius?
- Nothing's going on.
Can't a man huff
and puff when he's happy?
[sighing]
- Baby, what's wrong?
- If I'm Louis's big
brother, how come he's always
making me feel so damn small?
Always rubbing things in my
face, making me feel poor.
- Louis called us poor?
- He implied it,
but he's right.
I gambled our gas money.
- Julius!
- I know,
but I wanted to get Daddy
a better present than Louis.
And now we can't even afford
to drive to South Carolina.
- You sure about that?
- How did you--
- Severance ♪
I finally did it.
- Mwah!
- Julius, we're going
to South Carolina.
And we're going to buy the best
gift your dad has ever gotten
and rub it right in Louis's
smug, smooth, perfect face.
God, he has nice skin.
- I saw the creams he buys.
[knocks on door]
- Tasha?
- Hey, I heard you got a VCR.
I was wondering
if you could tape
"Saturday Night Live" for me.
- I didn't know
you liked "SNL."
- Are you kidding?
Eddie Murphy's so funny.
- Thank you!
You know, we could watch it
together sometime if you want.
- Sure.
So how was your day?
- I had never gotten a laugh
like this from a girl before,
and it felt amazing.
I started to think
maybe there were
other options for my
future that the career
test hadn't considered.
- Wait, where did Oprah go?
- I'm getting too
sexy for this [bleep].
- Eww!
- What is this?
- Who brought this
filth into our home?
- Chris!
[singers] Everybody
still hates Chris ♪
[vocalizing]
- MTV ♪