Lopez vs. Lopez (2022) s01e10 Episode Script

Oh, my God. This is just what I needed.
- Yes.
- Not not this is not for you.
I just planned a nice little guy's night
for me and your dad.
Charcuterie and pinot grig?
That's sweet, but you know my dad's
more a Modelo and
gas station potato kind of guy.
No, I think you are wrong
about your dad.
We had a real breakthrough
the other day.
He hugged me.
Are you sure he wasn't trying
to steal your wallet?
Yes, I am.
He showed me that he doesn't
completely hate me,
and that is a huge win.
So I need to seize this moment.
I'm gonna take our bromance
to the next level.
Oh, my God. This is just what I needed.
Thank you, George. Yeah.
I tried to do, like, the cheeses
on the side that we could
This piece of wood is the perfect size
to cover the shotgun hole in my truck.
She could have said she was married.
Sandra Bullock is so good
in "Miss Congeniality"
that I forgive her for "The Blind Side"
Sorry.
I just keep thinking about
how it should be your dad
under those Pure Retinol
Express Smoothing Eye Masks.
Look, I love that you love this stuff.
But if you want to spend time
with my dad,
you have to find something
that he's into.
Like yelling, "He's got a gun"
when the grocery store line is too long.
Ayy.
Ayy.
- Ayy.
- What's wrong?
We just lost our friend Jesse to booze.
- Oh, no. Did he drink himself to death?
- No.
He got sober.
He thinks he's better than us
because he stopped shaking
and his wife took him back.
So now we're short a player
for our fantasy baseball league.
I swear, some people only
think of themselves!
But what about Quinten?
He likes sports and he never
thinks about himself.
This is fantasy baseball, Mayan,
and none of my fantasies
include Quinten.
Um, excuse me,
could you give us a moment
while I confer
with my associate?
- Oh. Oh. Okay.
- Yeah.
We should let Quinten in the league.
But he doesn't know anything
about baseball.
Every time it comes up, all he mentions
is Madonna and Geena Davis.
Babe, wh what are you doing?
I don't know anything about baseball.
Other than there's no crying in it,
which is a nonstarter for me.
If you wanna bond with my dad,
this is it and I can help you.
I know baseball and I'm 50% George.
He got fired from coaching T-ball.
It'll be the easiest 20 bucks we make.
Why stop at 20?
Okay, Faux DiMaggio.
You're in.
And that's how Prince Ben
and Princess JLo
lived happily ever after.
Oh. Again.
I can't believe she took him back.
These fairy tales are crazy.
The boys are here to draft.
I don't understand why
I couldn't use the moving cart.
Because that's for work
and this is pleasure.
Okay. Now put that keg
in the corner over there,
or you're fired.
You gonna come in or what, Momo?
You can't enter a room
you're not invited into.
It's bad luck.
What are you, a vampire?
Ta loco. Get in here.
Yo, I didn't know a star was
gonna be here.
You're "Don't take a chance"
Chance from the ads.
Grandpa, are your friends
showing up already drunk?
Yeah, probably.
But he's talking about
how I used your picture
in one of my insurance ads.
When did I have crutches
and a neck brace?
I photoshopped it.
Makes you wanna buy insurance, right?
Nobody needs insurance.
I've never had insurance,
and I'm doing just fine.
You live in my room.
That's what you're gonna wear
to my dad's fantasy baseball draft?
Aren't these the colors
of the Florida Salmons?
- You mean the Marlins?
- Oh, God.
They're gonna eat me alive, aren't they?
No, I got you.
Look, I picked up some stuff
to help you fit in.
Now take off that hat and put this on.
Are you giving me a makeover?
I feel like Anne Hathaway
in "The Princess Diaries."
Don't talk about Anne,
princesses, or diaries
in front of my dad.
Now let me show you how
to be a down-ass fool.
Sit your ass down, fool.
No, you gotta manspread.
- See?
- Oh.
- Like, you know.
- Hoh!
- They do this to unstick everything.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Oh, works for us too.
This feels great. What about baseball?
Oh, I made you a cheat sheet.
And I put it on a paper towel
so you can disguise it.
What if they ask me something
that's not on it?
Simple. You just distract them
by saying "Los Doyers."
Are you saying "The Dodgers?"
Yeah. "Los Doyers."
Am I allowed to say that like that?
Yes. Now take your cheat sheet
and get out there, champ.
Oh. I'm so nervous.
This must be what the players feel like
before the curtain goes up.
Oh, hey. This is Momo, Arturo,
Nick, and Luis.
This is Yawn Mendes.
Actually, it's Quinten.
That's not any better.
As commissioner of the league,
I like keep everything equal and fair.
So I'ma draft first.
I will take Juan Soto.
All right. Oscar, you're up.
I'm gonna take Miguel Vargas
from "Los Doyers."
"Los Doyers."
Loose Dough-ears. Ha.
Hey, did you say "loose dough-ears?"
- Come on, man. Pick a player.
- Okay.
Oh, perfect, a tissue. Thank you.
No.
Can I
Can I have that back, please?
Sure. I blasted it pretty good.
Okay, come on, man. Just pick a player
Okay. Yeah. Um
I'm gonna pick
- Churro?
- Did you say Chourio?
Jackson Chourio from the Brewers?
Yes. That that is a player.
All right. Hey.
That's a solid pick.
I was gonna pick him.
Oh. No. Oh, I'm sorry.
- Uh, should I give him back?
- No, man.
Screwing people over
is part of the fantasy.
Oh. All right.
Well, then, I am gonna be screwing you
real hard, Georgie.
That's what I'm talking about.
- What's your name again?
- His name is Quinten.
Let's get some beers, eh?
I am just a boy, standing in front
of his sort of father-in-law,
being called by my real name.
Hey, Quinten, you want
to do the honors, man?
Do the first keg stand.
Wah! Okay. Oh.
Okay, but pull my legs apart
'cause I wanna manspread while I do it.
Oh!
Yeah! Yeah! Chug! Chug! Chug!
Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
Chug! Chug! Chug!
Oh, damn. You guys are having fun.
I wanna drink all my drinks upside down.
Hey, I got an idea.
Let's everybody come back
tomorrow for some carne asada.
- Yeah.
- Oh, what should I make?
Uh, yourself scarce.
It's just for guys, Mayan.
Guys only?
I think Quinten has something
to say about that.
Yes. I will be there.
And some guac would be nice too.
Some guac.
Quinten did nothing,
while the men turned me
into their personal elotero.
That's awful.
You don't even know how to boil corn.
And can you believe
they said no women allowed?
I mean, what is this,
"The Little Rascals"?
I think it's better that
the men and women are separate.
They can brag about their penises.
We can complain about their penises.
But we're a team.
We should be out there bragging
about his penis together,
as a family.
Couples in your generation
want to do everything together.
It's sick.
I think it's good that Quinten
is bonding with those guys.
Or any guys.
He can't always be hanging out with you
- braiding hair and painting toenails.
- He likes it.
He said it reminds him of when
he did his mom's nails.
Oh, my God. I hear myself.
Ooh, they are loving me out there.
You should have seen me.
I chugged a whole beer
over two hours.
- So you're enjoying it?
- Oh, yeah.
Yeah, they're laughing at all my jokes,
your dad punched me in the nuts
affectionately,
and get this we made fun of someone.
Someone else that wasn't me.
- Well, I'm happy you're happy.
- Yeah.
Stop giving me that
"I told you so" look.
I'm not.
It's my "I can't believe
I'm always right" look.
Nana, I've got something for you.
- Oh, did you draw me a picture?
- No. You've been served.
What?
You used my face on your insurance ads
without asking me.
My buddy Diego's mom's a lawyer
and she taught me
how to write up a "grease and resist."
A cease and desist?
Whatever you want to call it.
Well, of course I respect your wishes.
You're entitled to your privacy.
Fame and fortune, oh,
can take a huge toll.
Fortune? We talkin' the
cookie or the dough?
Because of you,
my insurance sales have gone up,
so I think it's time you get a cut.
Cash? Under the table?
I was thinking more
in tickets to Universal.
- VIP?
- Is there any other way?
Done.
Hey, that carne asada
smells good, Q-Ball.
Q-Ball?
You gave me a nickname that's not mean.
- No, it's white, but it's hard.
- Ha.
Yeah, no, check it.
I marinated it in bergamot citrus
with a splash of gochujang sauce.
No, I mean, I drenched these bad boys
in some dank-ass OJ with some hot sauce.
Yeah, that's gonna burn
on the way in and out.
Hey, look at that dynamic duo,
Batman and Robin.
I'm Batman. I said it first.
Don't make me the Penguin,
'cause I'm scared of birds.
Well, I know I'm not supposed
to be here.
I'm just dropping off the corn
I boiled myself
and definitely didn't buy
at Boston Market.
Yeah, just put 'em over there, babe.
Yeah.
Hey, that was an awesome
spring training game yesterday.
Huh? "Los Doyers."
"Los Doyers."
I bet I win fantasy this year.
Did you see Vargas' ground rule double?
Uh, babe.
That's when the ball bounces
off the field
into the stands,
thus advancing the batter
to second base.
Keep mansplaining baseball to me
and I'll advance my foot up your ass.
I'm starting to get worried
about my team, man.
Seager had three errors yesterday.
Man, Seager? That fool throws
like a girl.
You see him? He's out there like ayy!
This mitt is gonna totally
destroy my manicure.
I mean, come on.
I wouldn't say "throws like a girl."
I but I would say
runs like one too, right?
OMG, I made it to first.
Home run, bitches. Let's brunch.
- Bottomless mimosas!
- Oh, my God!
- Selfie.
- Oh, my God. Selfie.
Man, these girls seem like a fun time.
Chance? Are you almost ready?
You look adorable.
I look ridiculous.
Just like the men in your calendar.
I bought that for charity.
The station named a pole after me.
Anyway,
you've already rejected three outfits.
Can we just go with this one?
Fine. But I'm not wearing the hat.
It's not in my contract.
What contract?
"No hats"?
If you'll flip to the clause
on the back
- Oreos?
- Yes. I require Mega Stuffed.
If it's a single stuff, I walk.
I don't have any.
Sounds like a you problem.
I'll be in my dressing room
until you figure it out.
- Hey, Gordo.
- No eye contact.
- What's with him?
- I created a monster.
No, I created a monster.
Quinten's gone too far,
and I've got to do something about it.
I'm not going to support
his toxic behavior anymore.
Toxic? The most aggressive
thing I've seen him do
is insist on bagging his own groceries.
- Mayan. I need your help.
- What now?
You want me to put on an apron
and bake you up
a warm batch of snickerdoodles?
No. I need baseball advice.
But you can make the cookies after,
- and I prefer chocolate chip.
- Drown him.
Well, I don't want anything
to get in the way
of your valuable time with the guys.
- What info do you need?
- Okay.
Momo wants to trade my Betts for a Kirk.
Does that mean anything to you?
Well, if you're gonna trade
a player like that,
you're gonna have to get someone good,
like the greatest
home run hitter of all time.
- Who's that?
- His name is Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.
Okay. Great. Yeah.
What else you got?
But of course my top pick is gonna be
first baseman, Wrigley Field.
That's a stadium, fool.
And Kareem Abdul-Jabbar
doesn't play baseball.
He's a TV writer.
What's up, Q-Ball?
It sounds like you did an eight ball,
and if you did, how come
you're not sharing it, man?
No, um, I was just testing you.
Good news, no dementia.
Wait, were you testing
me too? Did I pass?
Yeah. You're medically cleared.
But I would get that weird
mole on your neck
checked out, though.
That's a pinto bean
I'm saving for later.
Mayan. Hey.
All the baseball information
you gave me was wrong.
Oh, was it?
Wait, why why would you
do that to me?
Are you jealous I'm hanging out
with G-Lo?
No. And don't call him that.
What is it then?
Is it that time of the month?
Yes, but that's a crazy coincidence.
Are you hearing the way
you're talking to me?
Who are you?
I'm Q-Ball, 'cause I'm white and hard.
What what what is the big deal?
I I'm hanging out with the boys.
I'm bonding with your dad.
We're chugging brewsteens.
Brewskis.
The only reason you know
what to say, what to wear,
and what to do is because of me.
Okay. Okay.
So you're not getting any credit,
and you decided you're just
gonna embarrass me
in front of everybody?
You're embarrassing yourself
by acting like a sexist pig.
No matter what I do, there's no winning.
I can't do nothing.
Wow.
I thought you wanted
to be friends with my dad,
not turn into my dad.
Women, huh? Must be that
time of the month.
It's a coincidence!
Don't give me that look.
You drink from the toilet.
Hey, Mayan, you seen Q-Ball?
We're playing strip beer pong.
It's his turn.
That is a tough game.
Q-Ball is gone.
But Quinten is here.
What's up, Q-Ball?
How come you look like a dork again?
I don't like baseball.
And I don't like brewskis.
And I don't like being sexist.
I was pretending to be someone
I'm not to get you to like me.
A and I completely forgot
about the person
I want to like me the most.
Dude, I know we just met, but same.
He's talking about me.
You're talking about me, right?
Listen, I don't know what's going on,
but if you ate what
Oscar was handing out,
go barf right now.
No, George.
I'm thinking straight
for the first time all week.
Yeah, but guys, the truth is
I love brunch.
And I love pinot grig.
And I love not having puffy eyes.
But most of all
I love you.
I love you too.
And forget second base.
- You're getting a grand slam later.
- Yes!
I'm finally going to Denny's!
- I'm here.
- You're late.
I had to pour my own apple juice.
We said we'd meet at 1:00. It's 1:00.
In this business,
if you're not 15 minutes early,
you're 30 minutes late.
Sit down, Gordo.
We need to talk.
Unfortunately,
I don't think we can
continue our partnership.
But you're nothing without me.
Yeah, sorry, but I already
found your replacement.
Insurance is hot, dog.
Churro is your new model?
There's no way that's gonna work.
Actually, since these ads
went up yesterday,
I already sold five policies.
It's a fickle business.
Enjoy the ride while it lasts, kid.
They fell in love while he was sleeping.
Technically, wasn't he in a coma?
You can still sleep when
you're in a coma.
Shh.
How am I supposed to learn
if you don't let me ask questions?
I got you a cheat sheet.
This is all you need to know
about every Sandra Bullock rom-com.
Every plot is basically the same.
She doesn't get what she wants,
but she always gets what she needs.
And if you get lost, just yell,
"Sandy B!"
Shh. I wanna know
what brother she chooses,
the hot one or the hotter one.
Well, we know that she might
not need what she wants,
but need what she needs.
What? That makes no sense.
Sandy B!
Sandy B!