Master of None (2015) s01e10 Episode Script
Finale
1 I feel like there should be an app that analyzes your tum and tells you what you want to eat.
Yeah, but [sighs.]
if the app could do that, you're basically saying it could read your mind.
Yeah, I guess.
But, dude, you think that's a good idea? I mean, what if it gets in the wrong hands? It could do some malicious shit.
Thinking about the military, some corporate espionage.
Do you really want to risk all that? Yeah.
Think about all the pain and suffering it could end.
Like right now.
I want something to eat, but I don't know what.
Dude, I'm hungry too.
Let's eat.
I'm good with whatever.
Why do people always say that? That's no help at all.
"I'm good with whatever" basically means "I'm bad at helping decide things.
" Well, I'm trying this new thing where I live my life like water.
You see, what ships pass through and what those vessels carry, I do not know.
-What about tacos? -Sure.
Which place should we go to? Literally any taco place.
Come on.
There's so many taco places.
We got to make sure we go to the best one.
I'll do some research.
Great.
I'll sit here and do nothing.
[electronic music.]
Tacos Morelos? Sounds good to me.
Yeah! Oh, yeah.
-Whoo-whee, tacos! -Yeah, baby.
Oh, my God, so many delicious options.
-Hey, man.
-Oh.
What do you think the move here is, order-wise? Um, my favorite's the barbacoa.
Okay, well, our personal tastes may be different.
What would you say is the most popular one? Probably the chicken or the carnitas.
I don't know.
Well, between those, which do people seem to like more? Like, when you watch their faces, who seems happier, the carnitas people or the chicken people? I'm not watching people's faces while they eat their food.
I'm usually working with another customer or listening to a wrestling podcast and staring at the street.
Got it.
You know what? Put me down for two carnitas.
Oh, man, I'm sorry, we're out of tacos.
- No! - Yeah.
We ran out of tortillas a half hour ago.
Well, why did we have the whole conversation, then? Because you kept asking questions, and I just kept giving you answers.
I'm over here trying to listen to my CM Punk interview, dude.
This is supposed to be the best taco.
What am I supposed to do now? Go eat the second best taco, like some kind of asshole? All right.
Great.
Fudge.
How did they run out of tacos? It's three o'clock.
You took 45 minutes trying to find the best taco spot.
All right, well, um you want to help me do some more research and we'll find a place that's still open? Yeah, I guess.
[cell phone rings.]
Hold on.
Incoming.
Ooh, Cassidy.
"Hey, Arnold, come to my place.
Let's have an afternoon bone sesh.
" Dude, she might be talking about sex.
What? You're gonna go have sex with this girl instead of helping me research tacos? Dude, I'm sorry, bud, but Arnie's got to take care of business.
I'll talk to you later.
All right.
Taxi! Taxi! [hip-hop music.]
[people conversing indistinctly.]
-Thank you.
-Thank yer.
[sighs.]
Hello, Dev.
Hey, Mr.
Ryan.
What's up? Arthur Ryan, father of the groom.
Hello, Mr.
Ryan.
I'm Rachel.
Aw, that's nice.
I love seeing ethnically mixed couples.
You two are beautiful together.
Oh, thanks.
Had you ever dated an ethnic man before this, Rachel? Oh.
No.
I was very nervous.
I had been dating a lot of whites.
Just so many whites.
Then one day, I woke up and just thought, "Rachel, you have to go out there and try yourself an ethnic," and here we are.
-It's going great.
-Oh, fantastic.
Well, the ceremony is about to begin.
-Lovely to meet you.
-Nice to meet you.
Take care.
Wow.
I mean, I think his heart's in the right place, but he really shouldn't be saying "ethnic" that much.
Mm-mm.
What is the real race breakdown of your previous dudes? Uh, white, white, white, white, half-Asian, then you.
Whoa, so that half-Asian guy, he was kind of a gateway drug to me? I guess so.
Who knows what will be next? I do.
White guy.
[laughs.]
Larry and Andrea have created their own vows, which they would like to share now.
Andrea, I remember the first time I met you.
I knew right away I was madly in love and that this love would never fade.
I've never had any doubts, fears, or regrets ever since.
Larry, you are able to absorb all of life and make it beautiful as it goes through you.
You're like this prism that takes in light and turns it into all these beautiful colors.
Every time I see your face, I feel this rush of happiness and excitement that this is the person I'll spend my life with, and I can't wait to have that feeling for the rest of my life.
Rachel, I'm not 100% sure about this.
Are you the one person that I'm supposed to be with forever? I don't fucking know.
And what's the other option? We break up? That seems shitty too.
And I love you.
I do.
I love you so much but not as much as Larry loves Andrea.
Damn.
Goddamn.
I mean, that exists? No doubts, no fears, nothing? Come on.
I don't know, I guess getting married just is a safer bet at this point.
[sighs.]
Sorry, I was just thinking about other paths my life could have taken.
Dev, you're a great guy.
You really are.
But you're right.
Are we supposed to be together forever? [inhales sharply.]
I don't know.
And it just sucks because it just feels like everything's laid out now.
There are no more surprises.
We get married, have kids, get old, and then we die.
And I've basically invested two of my prime years with you, so I should just go all in.
That's just math.
So let's do this.
Quickly.
Do you, Dev, take Rachel to be your partner in a possibly outdated institution in order to have a "normal" life? Are you ready to give up an idealistic search for a soul mate and try to make it work with Rachel so you can move forward with your life? I do.
And do you, Rachel, promise to make a crazy eternal bond with this gentleman who you happen to be dating at this stage in your life when people normally get married? I do.
I now pronounce you two people who might realize they've made an unfortunate mistake in about three years.
[applause.]
[people cheering.]
[wedding music.]
Now you're not sure about Rachel? I thought you were living together.
Everything was going good.
What's the problem? [sighs.]
I don't know.
It's just intense, you know? I mean, whoever you're dating now at this age could be who you end up with.
It's a big decision.
It's hard.
Po-da-po.
You are so indecisive.
When you were a kid, you said, "Dad, can I play soccer? Can I play tennis? Can I play basketball?" Me, I'm so decisive.
I play golf.
I chose your mom.
We got married right away, no problem.
Yeah, but that's totally different.
It was an arranged marriage.
How many women did you meet before you decided on Ma? -Two.
-Two? That's it? What was wrong with the first lady? She was a little bit too tall.
As soon as she stood up, I was like, "Oh, no.
" You have to learn to make decisions, man.
You are like woman sitting in front of the fig tree staring at all the branches till the tree dies.
Wait, what woman? What tree? Sylvia Plath, Bell Jar.
You never read.
You're always on the YouTube.
Playing tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick.
All right.
Look, you are a young man.
You can do a lot of things with your life: career, girlfriend, travel.
You can even start a family.
But you have to make the decision and do something about it.
If you don't, you're doing nothing, and the tree dies.
Go to the bookstore and get that book.
Oh, while you are there, can you get me the Harry Potter books? Isn't it a little late in the game to get into Harry Potter? I heard it's good.
[sighs.]
All right.
Oh, shit.
I got to go to the hospital.
Somebody got a chicken bone in their throat.
All right, well, good luck with that.
I'll see you at the premiere.
[man.]
So tell me about your role.
Um, Dr.
Vincent is kind of the heartbeat of the film, you know? He voices what the audience is thinking.
He's kind of like the Greek chorus or, in my case, the Indian chorus.
[laughter.]
All right, well, thanks so much.
Enjoy the film.
Wow, that Indian chorus joke totally killed.
Boom.
What up, playboy? Dude, this is incredible.
I just bumped into Morris Chestnut, and he told me to get out of his fucking way.
It was great.
-Buddy! -Yeah! Congratulations, man.
I'm so proud of you.
Listen, I got you a little present to help celebrate your big day.
Whoa.
This a copy of Us Weekly? Yeah, you're a Hollywood big shot now.
You got to know what people are saying about you.
Whoa, I'm in this? No, but there's a great article about Hollywood's top ten ugliest calves.
It'll make you feel a lot better about your own.
Thanks, bud.
Man, this is a lot of pomp and circumstance for an empty special effects movie with cardboard characters and no plot.
Hey, take off your theater critic hat and put on your friend hat.
All right, I'll make an exception this one time for you.
Oh, shit.
They're giving out free popcorn.
Really, Brian? Your friend's in his first role in a big movie, and you're excited about a free $4 thing of popcorn? I'm excited for both.
Me, too.
Let's go get some.
-This is gonna be awesome.
-I can't wait! Oh, guys, hold on a second.
I'm not feeling well.
[groans.]
I think the sickening is happening! [all cheering.]
Let's do this, baby! -Whoo! -Yeah! Come on! [dramatic music playing.]
What the fuck? They cut me out of the movie entirely? It's so shitty.
They could have told you before the premiere.
Why did they have you do an interview with Billy Bush? Hey, Cap, what happened? Did we go to the wrong movie? Where were you? They cut me out, buddy.
Hug time.
You can go tighter.
You won't hurt Arnold.
[rock music playing.]
[Brian.]
Dude, look on the bright side.
At least you got paid pretty well.
Not really.
I was mainly doing this for the exposure.
Oh, but you got great stuff for your reel, so that's great.
No, I mean, I don't have access to that footage.
I don't even know how to get it.
Oh, you know what? It'll still be on your IMDb page, so Mm, I don't think it will, because I didn't appear in the movie.
Okay, I'm officially out of silver linings, dude.
Sorry, man.
Where's Ma? She got sick.
The movie is called Sickening.
She really got sick and went home.
[laughs.]
All right, well, she didn't miss anything, anyway.
I was cut out of the movie.
It's okay.
You can always do another Go-Gurt commercial.
It was good.
Yeah, but that was, like, five years ago.
If acting is your passion, you should focus.
"Passion" may be a bit strong of a word.
So why don't you become a lawyer? What? No, I'm not gonna become a lawyer.
So what do you want to do? I don't know.
[cell phone rings.]
It's emergency room.
Hey, John.
What's up? You're kidding.
Cucumber? Where? The butthole? Oh, my goodness.
I'll be there.
What's going on? Somebody got a cucumber in the butthole.
I have to go and take it out.
Bye.
Do you want to do another shot? No, I'll just feel like garbage tomorrow.
Oh, shit, there's Todd, the director.
Have you talked to him yet? No.
Maybe I should go over there and have an awkward conversation and try to figure out what the hell happened.
Yeah.
You know, he should have the decency to tell you why he cut you out.
Hey, man.
Hey, what's up? Uh, so Dr.
Vincent didn't make the cut, huh? Yeah, I'm sorry, buddy.
You were great, but we had to lose some stuff.
You know, it just kind of sucks, because I invited a lot of my friends and family.
Couldn't you have maybe told me before? I could have, but I didn't.
Is that all you have to say for yourself? You're being such a douche.
-All right, all right.
-Okay, why did you cut him out? Hey, you know, calm down.
People get cut out of things all the time.
Dev's not the first actor to get cut from a movie.
[Rachel.]
Oh.
You know what, I'm actually glad that he got cut out, because your movie was garbage.
Hey, come on.
Hey, actually, by the way, it was a piece of shit, the movie.
-[Dev.]
Calm down.
-[Rachel laughs.]
It was fucking shit.
God damn it.
Well, you're charming.
It was nice meeting you.
Enjoy the open bar, which I think you already have.
I'm gonna go hug Dulé Hill, because he's nice, not like you guys.
[mumbles mockingly.]
-What the fuck? -What? Mmm.
I can't believe you made this.
See, I knew you'd be a good chef.
Hey.
What's up? Nothing.
Really? You sure? Feels like you're not really in the room right now.
You're just Well, how do you want me to eat pasta, like this? No, I just-- I just want you to be engaged and listen when I talk to you.
Well, maybe I'm just recovering from that horrible disaster of a night I just had.
You remember earlier? I went to the movie premiere for this movie that I worked on forever, and I got cut out completely? And then you decided to drunkenly berate the director? Okay, I'm sorry.
It was coming from a good place.
I'm sorry you got cut out.
It's fine.
But even before that, you've been a little quiet lately.
Is everything okay? All right.
If you want to get into it, we can.
I'll be honest with you, but, you know, promise not to get mad at me, and we can have a conversation.
I promise.
Please be honest with me.
I got really freaked out when we were at Larry and Andrea's wedding.
Just hearing the vows and thinking about marriage and all that stuff, it just-- It just freaked me out.
-Why? -I don't know.
I feel like when you're younger, in your 20s, the road ahead in your life, it's not as clear.
You don't know where it's going.
There's turns you don't expect.
There's surprises.
And then as you get older, the road just becomes a little bit clearer, and you just know where you're gonna go, and there's less surprise and less excitement, and you see what's ahead.
So what are you saying? That our relationship isn't exciting enough? No, I'm just saying, at this age, it's really intense.
Whatever you're doing in your life, whoever you're with, that's maybe it, you know? And it's a lot of pressure.
Okay, I get that.
But are you saying that you're not sure you want to be with me? No, I'm not saying that.
Because it sounds like that's what you're saying.
It sounds like you're not sure you want to be with me and that you don't like the road and you don't fucking want to do this or something.
No, but even if I wasn't sure, does that make me a horrible person? Or what, are you, like, 100% sure about everything? You have no doubts, no fears? No, I'm not 100% sure.
Well, what percentage sure are you? Hey, why don't we just-- Why don't we just write it down? It'll be an interesting experiment.
Really? You want to write it down? The percentage I think we're gonna be together? That's a horrible idea.
Why don't we just have a conversation? Because I tried to have a conversation, and you just started getting mad at me.
Okay, fine, yeah, let's write it down.
Eighty? Seventy? What? Seventy is a high number.
It's not as high as 80, the number I wrote.
And I love that you wrote that down, but 70 is just as high.
No, if there's a movie on Rotten Tomatoes and it has a 70%, people say it has mixed reviews, and I definitely don't go see it.
So you're saying that if our relationship was a movie, you wouldn't go see it.
I was being conservative.
I didn't want to go super high and you go low.
What does it even matter? Shouldn't we have both written 100 right away without even thinking about it? Larry and Andrea were at 100.
That exists.
If we're not at 100, we're writing fucking 70 and 80, why are we even doing this? Well, seems like you've really done the math on our relationship.
[sighs.]
You know what? I think I should go stay at Melinda's for a little bit.
Oh, wait, so now you're just leaving? You're leaving the apartment? Yeah, because I'm 100% sure I don't want to be around you right now.
Oh, my God, Cap.
That game sounds horrible.
Why would you do that? I don't know.
Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I was actually psyched when I thought of it.
I may have to steal that for a breakup move.
Definitely got Rachel pissed very quickly.
So are you guys really broken up? I'm not sure.
It was left kind of vague.
She's just staying at her friend's place for a few days.
Yeah, I mean, at the heart of what you were trying to do with that game is not wrong.
I mean, you're not 22.
If you're gonna be in a relationship, you got to dive in.
You don't want to be messing around, so maybe it's good it came up now.
Maybe.
Hopefully, we just need a couple of days, and we can sort it all out.
When you close your eyes, do you see Dev and Rachel in a cozy house with little Devs running around, or do you see Dev out on the town with brand-new ladies? I just see black.
Oh, God.
End of days.
[Dev reading.]
"I saw life branching out before me, like the green fig tree in the story.
From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked.
One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet, and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantine and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out.
I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose.
I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black.
One by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.
" [line rings.]
Hey.
[Rachel.]
Hey, how are you? Could we meet up and talk? Yeah, I think we should.
Hey.
Hey.
Your hair's red.
Dev, I'm moving to Tokyo.
What? Why are you doing this? I thought things were going fine, and then I started to think about what you said about how we're on this path, and you're kind of right.
And then I thought about my sister and how she always wanted to live in Paris, and now she's never going to.
And if I don't do this now, I don't think I ever will.
Have you really thought this through? What are you gonna do for work? You don't speak Japanese or anything.
I don't know.
I'll figure something out.
Look, I love you, but I want to do this.
This is important to me.
I don't want to wake up one day and wonder, "What would it have been like if I went to Japan?" I always play it safe, and I can't do it anymore.
The time in our life to do crazy shit is winding down, and I don't want to wake up one day and see that the window is already closed.
I'm sorry.
Really, really sorry.
Dude, I can't believe they cut both of us out of the movie entirely.
Yeah.
That happened to me on The Cookout 3.
The whole subplot of me beating Marquise at the pie-eating contest got scrapped.
So how you doing? Well, in addition to that whole mess, my lady kind of left me.
-She moved to Japan.
-Wow.
She got as far away from you as possible.
Yeah.
That-- That sucks.
I did this thing where I had each of us write down what percent out of 100 we thought that we'd be the last people we'd be together with.
Did not go well.
No, it wouldn't.
That's a horrendous idea.
Why would you do that? I don't know.
That's so, so ill-advised.
Really stupid.
What did she write? Seventy.
Seventy is not bad.
Seventy is not good.
That's a C-minus.
It's horrible.
A 20 or a 30, that's bad.
Seventy is decent.
It's like you passed.
Shouldn't you be at 100, though? I went to this friend's wedding, and they did their vows, and it was incredible, you know? And I know, like, vows are super romantic or whatever, but still, it It seemed like they were at 100.
That's a nice story, but nobody is at 100.
I mean, I'm in a great marriage, and sometimes we're at 90.
Other times, we're at, like, 20 or 30.
It goes up and down.
It's not just, like, one number all the time.
[man.]
Oh, my God.
Are you the dude from the Mucinex commercial? Yeah, that's me.
Oh, no shit.
Dude, oh, my God.
You were the booger.
[in a high-pitched voice.]
Oh, no, not Mucinex! [laughs.]
Oh! This is amazing, man.
All right, well, I'm with my friend, so Oh, awesome.
Yeah, all right, dude.
[camera shutter clicks.]
[chuckles.]
He just took a picture of me without asking.
That was rude.
Again, man, sorry about the girlfriend.
That sucks.
Yeah, it's tough, man.
I don't know what to do.
Long-term relationships are tough.
You can't just expect a big roaring fire right away, right, you know? You can't put the big logs in first.
You got to start with the small stuff, the kindling, right? And you add that, then you put in the big logs, and then you have a roaring fire, and that's a good relationship, right? But be careful.
Sometimes kindling wood is hard to find, you know, good wood, so don't take it for granted.
[soft instrumental music.]
[computer beeps.]
-Blanket, sir? -Thank you.
Have you ever been before? Nope, first time.
So what takes you to Italy? Pasta? I really like eating it, and I enjoy making it, so a few days ago, I just decided to pack up all my stuff and move to Italy and go to pasta-making school.
Wow, how long you going for? I don't know.
Big move.
You just decided just like that? Just like that.
[upbeat rock music.]
Yeah, but [sighs.]
if the app could do that, you're basically saying it could read your mind.
Yeah, I guess.
But, dude, you think that's a good idea? I mean, what if it gets in the wrong hands? It could do some malicious shit.
Thinking about the military, some corporate espionage.
Do you really want to risk all that? Yeah.
Think about all the pain and suffering it could end.
Like right now.
I want something to eat, but I don't know what.
Dude, I'm hungry too.
Let's eat.
I'm good with whatever.
Why do people always say that? That's no help at all.
"I'm good with whatever" basically means "I'm bad at helping decide things.
" Well, I'm trying this new thing where I live my life like water.
You see, what ships pass through and what those vessels carry, I do not know.
-What about tacos? -Sure.
Which place should we go to? Literally any taco place.
Come on.
There's so many taco places.
We got to make sure we go to the best one.
I'll do some research.
Great.
I'll sit here and do nothing.
[electronic music.]
Tacos Morelos? Sounds good to me.
Yeah! Oh, yeah.
-Whoo-whee, tacos! -Yeah, baby.
Oh, my God, so many delicious options.
-Hey, man.
-Oh.
What do you think the move here is, order-wise? Um, my favorite's the barbacoa.
Okay, well, our personal tastes may be different.
What would you say is the most popular one? Probably the chicken or the carnitas.
I don't know.
Well, between those, which do people seem to like more? Like, when you watch their faces, who seems happier, the carnitas people or the chicken people? I'm not watching people's faces while they eat their food.
I'm usually working with another customer or listening to a wrestling podcast and staring at the street.
Got it.
You know what? Put me down for two carnitas.
Oh, man, I'm sorry, we're out of tacos.
- No! - Yeah.
We ran out of tortillas a half hour ago.
Well, why did we have the whole conversation, then? Because you kept asking questions, and I just kept giving you answers.
I'm over here trying to listen to my CM Punk interview, dude.
This is supposed to be the best taco.
What am I supposed to do now? Go eat the second best taco, like some kind of asshole? All right.
Great.
Fudge.
How did they run out of tacos? It's three o'clock.
You took 45 minutes trying to find the best taco spot.
All right, well, um you want to help me do some more research and we'll find a place that's still open? Yeah, I guess.
[cell phone rings.]
Hold on.
Incoming.
Ooh, Cassidy.
"Hey, Arnold, come to my place.
Let's have an afternoon bone sesh.
" Dude, she might be talking about sex.
What? You're gonna go have sex with this girl instead of helping me research tacos? Dude, I'm sorry, bud, but Arnie's got to take care of business.
I'll talk to you later.
All right.
Taxi! Taxi! [hip-hop music.]
[people conversing indistinctly.]
-Thank you.
-Thank yer.
[sighs.]
Hello, Dev.
Hey, Mr.
Ryan.
What's up? Arthur Ryan, father of the groom.
Hello, Mr.
Ryan.
I'm Rachel.
Aw, that's nice.
I love seeing ethnically mixed couples.
You two are beautiful together.
Oh, thanks.
Had you ever dated an ethnic man before this, Rachel? Oh.
No.
I was very nervous.
I had been dating a lot of whites.
Just so many whites.
Then one day, I woke up and just thought, "Rachel, you have to go out there and try yourself an ethnic," and here we are.
-It's going great.
-Oh, fantastic.
Well, the ceremony is about to begin.
-Lovely to meet you.
-Nice to meet you.
Take care.
Wow.
I mean, I think his heart's in the right place, but he really shouldn't be saying "ethnic" that much.
Mm-mm.
What is the real race breakdown of your previous dudes? Uh, white, white, white, white, half-Asian, then you.
Whoa, so that half-Asian guy, he was kind of a gateway drug to me? I guess so.
Who knows what will be next? I do.
White guy.
[laughs.]
Larry and Andrea have created their own vows, which they would like to share now.
Andrea, I remember the first time I met you.
I knew right away I was madly in love and that this love would never fade.
I've never had any doubts, fears, or regrets ever since.
Larry, you are able to absorb all of life and make it beautiful as it goes through you.
You're like this prism that takes in light and turns it into all these beautiful colors.
Every time I see your face, I feel this rush of happiness and excitement that this is the person I'll spend my life with, and I can't wait to have that feeling for the rest of my life.
Rachel, I'm not 100% sure about this.
Are you the one person that I'm supposed to be with forever? I don't fucking know.
And what's the other option? We break up? That seems shitty too.
And I love you.
I do.
I love you so much but not as much as Larry loves Andrea.
Damn.
Goddamn.
I mean, that exists? No doubts, no fears, nothing? Come on.
I don't know, I guess getting married just is a safer bet at this point.
[sighs.]
Sorry, I was just thinking about other paths my life could have taken.
Dev, you're a great guy.
You really are.
But you're right.
Are we supposed to be together forever? [inhales sharply.]
I don't know.
And it just sucks because it just feels like everything's laid out now.
There are no more surprises.
We get married, have kids, get old, and then we die.
And I've basically invested two of my prime years with you, so I should just go all in.
That's just math.
So let's do this.
Quickly.
Do you, Dev, take Rachel to be your partner in a possibly outdated institution in order to have a "normal" life? Are you ready to give up an idealistic search for a soul mate and try to make it work with Rachel so you can move forward with your life? I do.
And do you, Rachel, promise to make a crazy eternal bond with this gentleman who you happen to be dating at this stage in your life when people normally get married? I do.
I now pronounce you two people who might realize they've made an unfortunate mistake in about three years.
[applause.]
[people cheering.]
[wedding music.]
Now you're not sure about Rachel? I thought you were living together.
Everything was going good.
What's the problem? [sighs.]
I don't know.
It's just intense, you know? I mean, whoever you're dating now at this age could be who you end up with.
It's a big decision.
It's hard.
Po-da-po.
You are so indecisive.
When you were a kid, you said, "Dad, can I play soccer? Can I play tennis? Can I play basketball?" Me, I'm so decisive.
I play golf.
I chose your mom.
We got married right away, no problem.
Yeah, but that's totally different.
It was an arranged marriage.
How many women did you meet before you decided on Ma? -Two.
-Two? That's it? What was wrong with the first lady? She was a little bit too tall.
As soon as she stood up, I was like, "Oh, no.
" You have to learn to make decisions, man.
You are like woman sitting in front of the fig tree staring at all the branches till the tree dies.
Wait, what woman? What tree? Sylvia Plath, Bell Jar.
You never read.
You're always on the YouTube.
Playing tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick.
All right.
Look, you are a young man.
You can do a lot of things with your life: career, girlfriend, travel.
You can even start a family.
But you have to make the decision and do something about it.
If you don't, you're doing nothing, and the tree dies.
Go to the bookstore and get that book.
Oh, while you are there, can you get me the Harry Potter books? Isn't it a little late in the game to get into Harry Potter? I heard it's good.
[sighs.]
All right.
Oh, shit.
I got to go to the hospital.
Somebody got a chicken bone in their throat.
All right, well, good luck with that.
I'll see you at the premiere.
[man.]
So tell me about your role.
Um, Dr.
Vincent is kind of the heartbeat of the film, you know? He voices what the audience is thinking.
He's kind of like the Greek chorus or, in my case, the Indian chorus.
[laughter.]
All right, well, thanks so much.
Enjoy the film.
Wow, that Indian chorus joke totally killed.
Boom.
What up, playboy? Dude, this is incredible.
I just bumped into Morris Chestnut, and he told me to get out of his fucking way.
It was great.
-Buddy! -Yeah! Congratulations, man.
I'm so proud of you.
Listen, I got you a little present to help celebrate your big day.
Whoa.
This a copy of Us Weekly? Yeah, you're a Hollywood big shot now.
You got to know what people are saying about you.
Whoa, I'm in this? No, but there's a great article about Hollywood's top ten ugliest calves.
It'll make you feel a lot better about your own.
Thanks, bud.
Man, this is a lot of pomp and circumstance for an empty special effects movie with cardboard characters and no plot.
Hey, take off your theater critic hat and put on your friend hat.
All right, I'll make an exception this one time for you.
Oh, shit.
They're giving out free popcorn.
Really, Brian? Your friend's in his first role in a big movie, and you're excited about a free $4 thing of popcorn? I'm excited for both.
Me, too.
Let's go get some.
-This is gonna be awesome.
-I can't wait! Oh, guys, hold on a second.
I'm not feeling well.
[groans.]
I think the sickening is happening! [all cheering.]
Let's do this, baby! -Whoo! -Yeah! Come on! [dramatic music playing.]
What the fuck? They cut me out of the movie entirely? It's so shitty.
They could have told you before the premiere.
Why did they have you do an interview with Billy Bush? Hey, Cap, what happened? Did we go to the wrong movie? Where were you? They cut me out, buddy.
Hug time.
You can go tighter.
You won't hurt Arnold.
[rock music playing.]
[Brian.]
Dude, look on the bright side.
At least you got paid pretty well.
Not really.
I was mainly doing this for the exposure.
Oh, but you got great stuff for your reel, so that's great.
No, I mean, I don't have access to that footage.
I don't even know how to get it.
Oh, you know what? It'll still be on your IMDb page, so Mm, I don't think it will, because I didn't appear in the movie.
Okay, I'm officially out of silver linings, dude.
Sorry, man.
Where's Ma? She got sick.
The movie is called Sickening.
She really got sick and went home.
[laughs.]
All right, well, she didn't miss anything, anyway.
I was cut out of the movie.
It's okay.
You can always do another Go-Gurt commercial.
It was good.
Yeah, but that was, like, five years ago.
If acting is your passion, you should focus.
"Passion" may be a bit strong of a word.
So why don't you become a lawyer? What? No, I'm not gonna become a lawyer.
So what do you want to do? I don't know.
[cell phone rings.]
It's emergency room.
Hey, John.
What's up? You're kidding.
Cucumber? Where? The butthole? Oh, my goodness.
I'll be there.
What's going on? Somebody got a cucumber in the butthole.
I have to go and take it out.
Bye.
Do you want to do another shot? No, I'll just feel like garbage tomorrow.
Oh, shit, there's Todd, the director.
Have you talked to him yet? No.
Maybe I should go over there and have an awkward conversation and try to figure out what the hell happened.
Yeah.
You know, he should have the decency to tell you why he cut you out.
Hey, man.
Hey, what's up? Uh, so Dr.
Vincent didn't make the cut, huh? Yeah, I'm sorry, buddy.
You were great, but we had to lose some stuff.
You know, it just kind of sucks, because I invited a lot of my friends and family.
Couldn't you have maybe told me before? I could have, but I didn't.
Is that all you have to say for yourself? You're being such a douche.
-All right, all right.
-Okay, why did you cut him out? Hey, you know, calm down.
People get cut out of things all the time.
Dev's not the first actor to get cut from a movie.
[Rachel.]
Oh.
You know what, I'm actually glad that he got cut out, because your movie was garbage.
Hey, come on.
Hey, actually, by the way, it was a piece of shit, the movie.
-[Dev.]
Calm down.
-[Rachel laughs.]
It was fucking shit.
God damn it.
Well, you're charming.
It was nice meeting you.
Enjoy the open bar, which I think you already have.
I'm gonna go hug Dulé Hill, because he's nice, not like you guys.
[mumbles mockingly.]
-What the fuck? -What? Mmm.
I can't believe you made this.
See, I knew you'd be a good chef.
Hey.
What's up? Nothing.
Really? You sure? Feels like you're not really in the room right now.
You're just Well, how do you want me to eat pasta, like this? No, I just-- I just want you to be engaged and listen when I talk to you.
Well, maybe I'm just recovering from that horrible disaster of a night I just had.
You remember earlier? I went to the movie premiere for this movie that I worked on forever, and I got cut out completely? And then you decided to drunkenly berate the director? Okay, I'm sorry.
It was coming from a good place.
I'm sorry you got cut out.
It's fine.
But even before that, you've been a little quiet lately.
Is everything okay? All right.
If you want to get into it, we can.
I'll be honest with you, but, you know, promise not to get mad at me, and we can have a conversation.
I promise.
Please be honest with me.
I got really freaked out when we were at Larry and Andrea's wedding.
Just hearing the vows and thinking about marriage and all that stuff, it just-- It just freaked me out.
-Why? -I don't know.
I feel like when you're younger, in your 20s, the road ahead in your life, it's not as clear.
You don't know where it's going.
There's turns you don't expect.
There's surprises.
And then as you get older, the road just becomes a little bit clearer, and you just know where you're gonna go, and there's less surprise and less excitement, and you see what's ahead.
So what are you saying? That our relationship isn't exciting enough? No, I'm just saying, at this age, it's really intense.
Whatever you're doing in your life, whoever you're with, that's maybe it, you know? And it's a lot of pressure.
Okay, I get that.
But are you saying that you're not sure you want to be with me? No, I'm not saying that.
Because it sounds like that's what you're saying.
It sounds like you're not sure you want to be with me and that you don't like the road and you don't fucking want to do this or something.
No, but even if I wasn't sure, does that make me a horrible person? Or what, are you, like, 100% sure about everything? You have no doubts, no fears? No, I'm not 100% sure.
Well, what percentage sure are you? Hey, why don't we just-- Why don't we just write it down? It'll be an interesting experiment.
Really? You want to write it down? The percentage I think we're gonna be together? That's a horrible idea.
Why don't we just have a conversation? Because I tried to have a conversation, and you just started getting mad at me.
Okay, fine, yeah, let's write it down.
Eighty? Seventy? What? Seventy is a high number.
It's not as high as 80, the number I wrote.
And I love that you wrote that down, but 70 is just as high.
No, if there's a movie on Rotten Tomatoes and it has a 70%, people say it has mixed reviews, and I definitely don't go see it.
So you're saying that if our relationship was a movie, you wouldn't go see it.
I was being conservative.
I didn't want to go super high and you go low.
What does it even matter? Shouldn't we have both written 100 right away without even thinking about it? Larry and Andrea were at 100.
That exists.
If we're not at 100, we're writing fucking 70 and 80, why are we even doing this? Well, seems like you've really done the math on our relationship.
[sighs.]
You know what? I think I should go stay at Melinda's for a little bit.
Oh, wait, so now you're just leaving? You're leaving the apartment? Yeah, because I'm 100% sure I don't want to be around you right now.
Oh, my God, Cap.
That game sounds horrible.
Why would you do that? I don't know.
Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I was actually psyched when I thought of it.
I may have to steal that for a breakup move.
Definitely got Rachel pissed very quickly.
So are you guys really broken up? I'm not sure.
It was left kind of vague.
She's just staying at her friend's place for a few days.
Yeah, I mean, at the heart of what you were trying to do with that game is not wrong.
I mean, you're not 22.
If you're gonna be in a relationship, you got to dive in.
You don't want to be messing around, so maybe it's good it came up now.
Maybe.
Hopefully, we just need a couple of days, and we can sort it all out.
When you close your eyes, do you see Dev and Rachel in a cozy house with little Devs running around, or do you see Dev out on the town with brand-new ladies? I just see black.
Oh, God.
End of days.
[Dev reading.]
"I saw life branching out before me, like the green fig tree in the story.
From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked.
One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet, and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantine and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out.
I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose.
I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black.
One by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.
" [line rings.]
Hey.
[Rachel.]
Hey, how are you? Could we meet up and talk? Yeah, I think we should.
Hey.
Hey.
Your hair's red.
Dev, I'm moving to Tokyo.
What? Why are you doing this? I thought things were going fine, and then I started to think about what you said about how we're on this path, and you're kind of right.
And then I thought about my sister and how she always wanted to live in Paris, and now she's never going to.
And if I don't do this now, I don't think I ever will.
Have you really thought this through? What are you gonna do for work? You don't speak Japanese or anything.
I don't know.
I'll figure something out.
Look, I love you, but I want to do this.
This is important to me.
I don't want to wake up one day and wonder, "What would it have been like if I went to Japan?" I always play it safe, and I can't do it anymore.
The time in our life to do crazy shit is winding down, and I don't want to wake up one day and see that the window is already closed.
I'm sorry.
Really, really sorry.
Dude, I can't believe they cut both of us out of the movie entirely.
Yeah.
That happened to me on The Cookout 3.
The whole subplot of me beating Marquise at the pie-eating contest got scrapped.
So how you doing? Well, in addition to that whole mess, my lady kind of left me.
-She moved to Japan.
-Wow.
She got as far away from you as possible.
Yeah.
That-- That sucks.
I did this thing where I had each of us write down what percent out of 100 we thought that we'd be the last people we'd be together with.
Did not go well.
No, it wouldn't.
That's a horrendous idea.
Why would you do that? I don't know.
That's so, so ill-advised.
Really stupid.
What did she write? Seventy.
Seventy is not bad.
Seventy is not good.
That's a C-minus.
It's horrible.
A 20 or a 30, that's bad.
Seventy is decent.
It's like you passed.
Shouldn't you be at 100, though? I went to this friend's wedding, and they did their vows, and it was incredible, you know? And I know, like, vows are super romantic or whatever, but still, it It seemed like they were at 100.
That's a nice story, but nobody is at 100.
I mean, I'm in a great marriage, and sometimes we're at 90.
Other times, we're at, like, 20 or 30.
It goes up and down.
It's not just, like, one number all the time.
[man.]
Oh, my God.
Are you the dude from the Mucinex commercial? Yeah, that's me.
Oh, no shit.
Dude, oh, my God.
You were the booger.
[in a high-pitched voice.]
Oh, no, not Mucinex! [laughs.]
Oh! This is amazing, man.
All right, well, I'm with my friend, so Oh, awesome.
Yeah, all right, dude.
[camera shutter clicks.]
[chuckles.]
He just took a picture of me without asking.
That was rude.
Again, man, sorry about the girlfriend.
That sucks.
Yeah, it's tough, man.
I don't know what to do.
Long-term relationships are tough.
You can't just expect a big roaring fire right away, right, you know? You can't put the big logs in first.
You got to start with the small stuff, the kindling, right? And you add that, then you put in the big logs, and then you have a roaring fire, and that's a good relationship, right? But be careful.
Sometimes kindling wood is hard to find, you know, good wood, so don't take it for granted.
[soft instrumental music.]
[computer beeps.]
-Blanket, sir? -Thank you.
Have you ever been before? Nope, first time.
So what takes you to Italy? Pasta? I really like eating it, and I enjoy making it, so a few days ago, I just decided to pack up all my stuff and move to Italy and go to pasta-making school.
Wow, how long you going for? I don't know.
Big move.
You just decided just like that? Just like that.
[upbeat rock music.]