Petticoat Junction (1963) s01e10 Episode Script

1
Come ride the little train ♪
That is rollin' down the tracks to the Junction ♪
Forget about your cares ♪
It is time to relax at the Junction ♪
Lots of curves, you bet ♪
And even more when you get ♪
To the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
And that's Uncle Joe, he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪
At the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction! ♪
Is it bad, Charley?
It's not too bad.
Few tomatoes and eggs and a cabbage or two
caught the tender.
I've never seen such an angry mob.
Everybody yelling, "Get the coach!
Kill the coach!"
Oh, poor Uncle Joe.
Well losing the biggest game of the year 84 to nothing
ain't exactly the way to win friends.
I hate to think what the back of the train looks like.
Safe to come out now?
Yes, Mr. Bedloe.
I'm terribly sorry you had to go through all this
just because our team lost.
Oh, that's all right.
Remember, lad, it's not whether you win or lose,
it's how you play the game.
We played lousy.
Yeah I got that impression.
Oh, no.
Hi, Mom.
Oh, I'm sorry, kids,
but remember it's how you play the game.
Yeah, that's what Mr. Bedloe just said.
Bedloe he's on this train?
Old sourpuss?
The vice president of the railroad?
He went through this garbage barrage?
Took two eggs right in the kisser
before he got the window closed.
Oh.
There goes the Hooterville Cannonball.
He'll junk it for sure now.
Shh.
Mr. Bedloe.
Don't blame Charley
and Floyd and their train I mean, your train.
I-It's not their fault
that Hooterville High lost every single game this year
and the people finally got fed up.
It's his fault My uncle, the coach.
Oh, Mrs. Bradley, it's nobody's fault.
It's like the game of life
Sometimes we win, sometimes we lose,
but the important thing is to take both with a smile.
Oh, I don't blame you for being mad.
Here, take Mr. Bedloe up to the hotel,
give him the bridal suite next to the bath,
and give him anything he wants with no charge.
He's our guest.
No, no, I insist on paying.
Oh, you're going to feel so much better
when you have a nice, hot bath.
Betty Jo, you clean up his suit
while he's freshening up for dinner.
Now, hurry now.
Oh, n-no, don't fuss over me, girls.
Charley, there goes the meanest, most
Did he say something nice?
Sounded like it from here.
Charley, there's something rotten in Denmark.
There's something rotten in Hooterville, too,
and I think all of it hit this train.
You can come out now, Coach.
Okay, Joe.
Is it safe?
Reasonably. You still got to face Kate.
Oh, hi, Kate.
Hi.
Well, Hooterville Hornets dropped another close one today.
Close is right
Close to a hundred to nothing.
This is the last year I'm going to coach
that ungrateful Hooterville outfit.
You can bet on that.
This might be the last year for everything
The hotel, the train.
What are you talking about?
You know who was on this train
and got hit by two eggs meant for you?
Who?
Mr. Mean himself Homer Bedloe.
He don't scare me none.
I'll face up to him just like I faced up to that angry mob.
You say they're directors of the railroad?
Two of 'em Big shot Eastern fellas,
come in a private plane.
Now, they're gonna board the Cannonball
here in Hooterville tomorrow morning
for an inspection trip.
And Bedloe put 'em up to it, huh?
He's a-waiting for 'em at the Shady Rest.
Oh that sneaky rat.
Somebody's got to warn Kate and the boys.
Well, how?
There ain't no train, no phone, no road, no
The hand car.
Yeah, send Herby Bates.
Oh, n-no, he got chased out of town along with his coach.
Sam, you can't pump that car clear to Kate's hotel.
I can try.
I said to myself, "Homer Bedloe, you've got to go back"
"to that wonderful little town of Hooterville
"and ride that wonderful little train
"to that wonderful little hotel
and visit with all those wonderful people."
I'll say one thing for you, Homer.
You're a good loser,
but we really outsmarted you
when you tried to scrap the Cannonball.
Uncle Joe, uh, Mr. Bedloe doesn't want to talk about that.
Kate, women don't understand the kind of sportsmanship
that goes on between men.
Now, Homer and me locked horns
and he got the worst of it,
but he ain't mad.
Are you, Homer?
Not a bit.
Of course, I guess you did look kind of silly
back at the main office.
Certainly did.
See how good he's taking it?
He don't mind being beaten by a better man.
Uncle Joe, um,
I need you to help me move something into the lobby.
Why, sure, Kate.
What do you want moved?
You.
How long are you planning to be with us, Mr. Bedloe?
Oh I think along about noon tomorrow ought to do it.
Oh.
Isn't that about the time
you boys get the train back from Hooterville?
Yes, sir, and we'll be right on time for you, Mr. Bedloe.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, take your time.
Be late.
I don't mind.
Hear that, Charley?
We can sleep late.
Floyd, we got to get up early and clean the train.
It's a mess.
We'll help you.
Sure, we will, Charley.
Oh no, no, no.
You young people shouldn't waste a good Saturday morning
cleaning a train.
Besides, it'll be a good object lesson
for the people of Hooterville
to see that train the way it is.
Remind them of how ugly mob violence can be.
Oh, no, no, no.
The messier it looks, the better.
I tell you that man's up to no good.
He's out for revenge.
Well, now, if he was a woman, I'd agree with you.
Never turn your back on a woman.
They're sneaky, cunning, and treacherous.
Thanks.
But a man is different,
so stop worrying about Bedloe.
Uncle Joe, you tell Floyd and Charley
to meet me down at the train.
I'm going into town and talk to Sam Drucker.
What about?
About the price of horseradish.
Well, at least that got you to stop worrying about Bedloe.
Sam are you hurt?
No I don't think so, no.
Oh, my goodness.
I'll be all right, Kate, soon as I can stop pumping.
Come on down.
Ooh What?
Watch the blisters. Oh, I'm sorry.
Who is it, Kate?
Sam Drucker.
Listen, is Bedloe up at the hotel?
Yeah, come on up and say hello.
He's changed, Sam.
Nicest fella you ever want to meet.
Horseradish.
Oh, you can talk to Kate about that later.
Come on up and visit Bedloe.
No, listen to me.
Bedloe is here for only one reason.
He's got a scheme that'll
finish this train once and for all.
You hear that, Uncle Joe?
Yeah, and it don't surprise me none.
You know, I was suspicious of him the minute he walked in.
All right, gang.
When those big city railroad directors see
the Hooterville Cannonball in the morning,
she's going to be shining like a new penny,
from cowcatcher to caboose.
Yeah, that's right.
Shh Mr. Bedloe's in the lobby.
Now, come on, get your buckets, let's go.
Betty Jo, listen, you and Herby
help Floyd and Charley scrub down the locomotive.
Okay?
Now, Bobbie Jo, you and Bill
Where's Billie Jo?
She didn't like the way her blue jeans fit her,
so she's taking 'em in through the
All right, now, come on.
Come on, let's go, we only got till daybreak.
Oh, no, Sam.
No, no, n-no, you, you've done your part.
You go to bed and rest those blisters.
Not me, Kate.
I want to be in on foiling Bedloe all the way.
Thank you, Sam.
He dozed off.
I think it was your eggnog that did it.
Well, I thought it would.
I put a half a bottle of cooking sherry in it.
I wondered how he could go to sleep
while I was telling him
the story about my wooden Indian.
I was telling him all about my
great-great-uncle Kit Carson,
how he carved it out of solid oak
with a hunting knife given to him by this old Indian chief
when he was just a boy
living in the woods down in Southeast
Uncle Joe, you're putting me to sleep,
and I got work to do.
So have you, so grab a bucket and head down to the train.
Kate. Hmm?
Don't you think somebody should stay here
and keep an eye on Bedloe?
Well, I'm going to do it.
I got work to do here in the kitchen.
Did you set his watch ahead?
Yeah, set it ahead till midnight.
How about the other clocks?
Oh, I forgot.
Here, I'll start with this one. Yeah.
Say, where is everybody?
Oh, Uncle Joe, get this stuff out of sight.
Here.
Mrs. Bradley, where'd everybody disappear to?
Shh Everybody's in bed asleep.
They can't be at this time of night.
It's holy smokes, it's after midnight.
Shh you'll wake everybody up.
There must be
something the matter with my watch.
It can't be this late.
Well, it is, and you should be in bed, too.
Not sleepy.
I'll make you some more eggnog.
Well, that's darn good eggnog,
but I don't want you to go to all that trouble.
Oh, it's no trouble at all.
Can't believe I slept for three hours.
Is there a clock in here?
Well, it's I'm so ashamed.
It's so dirty, you can't tell what time it is.
There you are.
20 to 1:00?!
Mm-hmm.
What's all the commotion down here?
Can't a fella get a night's sleep?
Mr. Bedloe, what's the meaning of this?
Alone with my niece here in the middle of the night.
How far has this gone, Kate?
Are you prepared to marry this woman?
Now, wait a minute, wait a minute.
I just came in here.
She was just going to make me some more eggnog.
Well, I think you've had enough to drink already.
These carryings-on might go up in the city,
but out here we don't allow any hanky-panky
with our womenfolk.
Hanky-panky?!
Now, you get to your bedroom and stay there,
and just be glad I didn't have my shotgun handy.
Will you please explain to him
that I haven't got any romantic interest in you?
Would I be telling him the truth, Homer?
What?!
Well
you have been extra nice to me on this trip.
What other reason could you have?
What other reason?!
Now let me tell you something
Oh good night!
And don't let me catch you out of your room again tonight
or I'll shoot first and ask questions later.
Uncle Joe, you were wonderful.
Now, let's go on down to the train and get to work.
Oh, Kate. Hmm?
I'm all dressed for bed
and I'm asleep on my feet.
Let's go.
All right, gang, that does it for the outside.
Now let's see how Uncle Joe's doing inside.
Uncle Joe?
How'd it go, Kate?
That big mess come off the seats?
Nope, there it sits fast asleep.
How he can sleep on those hard, splattered-up
back-breakers is beyond me.
Say, Charley,
can you and Floyd unbolt these seats
and get them out of here? Well, yeah, Kate, but wouldn't
it be easier to wake him up and let him walk out?
That's not what I had in mind.
Look, go get your tools
and take everything out of this coach.
Everything? Everything.
Those two big city railroad directors
are going to get the surprise of their lives.
That's funny.
Could've sworn there was a
chair and couch there last night.
Hmm All aboard Hooterville Cannonball.
Train leaving on track one.
Not after today.
"Thought you might like some company for breakfast.
Joe Carson."
Very funny.
Ready for breakfast!
The Hooterville Cannonball is due in one minute.
Bedloe told us it's never been on time yet.
Here she comes.
Hooterville!
Did you enjoy your ride, madame?
Sonny, that's the finest train ride
I ever had in my life.
Smooth as glass all the way.
Well, thank you, madame.
You must ride with us again.
You bet I will, sonny.
All aboard the Hooterville Cannonball, gentlemen.
There was no one in the station
to sell us a ticket.
Part of the satisfaction guaranteed service.
We collect the fare at the end of the ride
only if you're happy.
Hey, that sounds great.
Sounds like very bad business to me.
Board!
Good morning, gentlemen.
Welcome aboard train number three,
the Hooterville Cannonball.
I'm your hostess, Miss Bradley.
How do you do? Hello.
Your engineer for this trip is Mr. Charles Pratt,
a veteran of 35 years at the throttle.
Your fireman is Mr. Floyd Smoot,
and your conductor is Mr. Joseph Carson.
We will be cruising at a safe,
comfortable speed of 40 miles an hour.
And a delicious, hot meal will be served en route.
If there's anything I can do to make your trip
more comfortable or enjoyable,
you have only to ask.
Thank you.
You give a very good shine, young fellow.
Thank you, sir.
Hey, John. Mm-hmm?
Do you notice the porter's smock?
Like they wear in Europe. Yeah.
The service on this train is a lot
like the crack continental trains, too.
Oh, come now, Max.
You can't compare the Hooterville Cannonball
to say, uh, Le Train Bleu.
Oh, you know, the Blue Train
from Paris to Nice. Well, no.
I happened to hear that, sir.
What has the Blue Train got that we haven't got?
Well, besides the shoeshine, you can get a haircut,
a manicure Herby uh, porter
Tell the personnel director
to send in one of our barbers
and a manicurist, immediately.
What?!
Quickly, boy.
Pepper.
Mom. Hmm?
Bobbie's ready to entertain.
Oh, good.
Oh, Bobbie, that's kind of brief.
Well, I wore it in the Hooterville High Follies.
Oh, well, all right.
Oh, hiya, Herby. How's it going?
Fine, till Uncle Joe
promised them a barber and a manicurist.
What?!
Sam, did you ever give a haircut?
No. Well, there's a first time for everything.
Herby, give him your smock. Okay.
Here, Betty Jo, take over here.
Bobbie Joe, hand me my sewing basket.
Yeah. Sam?
Betty Jo, did you ever give a manicure?
A locomotive engineer?
How about you, Bobbie Jo?
Well, I do my own nails.
Well, now you're doing someone else's.
But I haven't got my stuff with me.
Make do. Buffer.
Orange sticks.
What about nail polish?
"What about nail polish?"
Uh, oh!
Here we are.
Vanilla extract?
Keep the label hid.
Right out there's some of the most
unusual scenery in the world.
I don't see anything so unusual about it.
Well, you notice that windmill out there?
Yeah. I'll tell you about that windmill.
Oh, oh, here comes the barber and the manicurist.
Well, I'll be darned!
I'd rather be manicured.
What do you think of the foreign situation?
Which one?
Take your pick.
There you are, sir.
Hmm? Huh?
Your haircut is finished, sir.
Haircut, yes.
Oh, now, where's a mirror?
Mirror? Oh, it looks fine.
Right, conductor? Great.
Must be a mirror someplace.
Oh.
Barber, come here. Yes, sir.
That is the best haircut
I ever had. Thank you.
My barber could certainly take lessons from you.
Say, Max, how's your manicure?
Sensational.
This whole train is sensational.
You said it.
John? Do you think maybe Bedloe drinks?
I don't know if he does now,
but he may start after I get through with him.
I'm telling you that when John Fisher
gets through with the Hooterville Cannonball,
it'll be nothing but a pile of scraps.
He'll rip up those tracks with his bare hands.
There's the only man I know that's meaner than me.
These local yokels,
thought they had me over a barrel.
Thought they had me outsmarted.
Well, nobody gets the best of me.
I never forget and I never forgive.
I'll see every last one of them in the poorhouse.
Come to think of it,
I'm as mean as John Fisher.
Maybe meaner.
Well she makes her run through the dead of winter ♪
Through the summer spring and fall ♪
Neither cold nor heat nor flood can stop her ♪
She's the Hooterville Cannonball. ♪
Betty Jo, maybe the gentlemen would like another helping.
Oh, no, no, no please.
I've had five.
Six for me.
What was that delicious concoction?
Just chicken and dumplings, country-style.
Specialty of the Hooterville Cannonball chef.
I'd like to meet him.
Would you ask him to come in?
He never leaves the kitchen.
You actually have a kitchen in there?
Small, but efficient.
Let's go see it.
It may serve as a model for our new diesel streamliners.
Good idea.
You gentlemen connected with some railroad?
As a matter of fact, we are two
of the directors of this railroad.
Oh, dear! My goodness!
Did you hear that?
Why, if we'd have known that
we'd have given you our first class service.
What have we been getting?
Economy tourist class.
Max, there's no two ways about it,
this is the greatest train on wheels.
Bar none.
And we've ridden them all.
Wait till I get my hands on Bedloe.
I heard the Cannonball pull in
three hours late.
I'll bet that really burned old John Fisher.
"Fisher"? Oh, that's the name of the gentleman
that's waiting down at the train to talk to you.
Yeah, him and a fellow name of Thornton.
They're going to give you a new position
with the railroad.
Who says that meanness doesn't pay off?
Floyd and me sure do appreciate this, Mr. Fisher.
Yeah, Mr. Fisher.
The kind of train you boys run,
you deserve it.
Snap to it, Bedloe, you won't even keep this job.
Yes, sir, boss.
Where'd I go wrong?
Petticoat Junction ♪
This has been a Filmways presentation.