President Curtis (2026) s01e10 Episode Script
Timber
1
♪♪
Curtis: Drop the body,
you sick fuck!
Curtis.
Paul Bunyan. Your 30-year
spree of murder, arson,
and cannibalism is over.
[ Chuckles ] But I haven't
even had dessert.
Get behind me, sir.
Leprechauns have
notoriously sour flesh.
No. Nothing's standing
between me and justice.
I'm taking you in.
[ Roars ]
[ Grunts ]
You folkloric fuck.
[ Yells ]
Ohh! Ow! Shit!
[ Groans ]
Anti-flannel!
Stand down, O'Doyle!
The buck stops with me.
[ Yells ]
Agh, argh, shit!
You have the right
to remain silent.
Anything you say can and
Sir, are you all Agh!
Eat ya next time!
[ Laughing ]
What goes around,
comes around, Bunyan.
[ Gurgles ]
Man, I was worried there
for a second.
Just glad we had
that obsidian boomerang.
[ Sirens wailing ]
- And you said it was an impulse buy.
I know what I'm doing, O'Doyle.
You're right, sir.
You're so right.
We'll take it from here, sir.
- Troy. Bob.
I want that bastard's paranormal
body tagged and bagged.
The campers, too.
I want to know who they were.
I'll call their families myself.
Standard T&B.
Got ya, sir.
O'Doyle, call
a press conference.
I've got a nation to address.
What? I don't know
how to do that.
God damn it, where is my
new robot Chief of Staff?
I thought she started today.
It's 5:00 AM, sir.
Also, did you say "robot"?
All right, we're tagged
and bagged!
- Get ready to ship out!
- Wait. Who's got the head?
I think Mikey does.
He was tagging
and bagging by the RV.
Hey, Mikey! You got the head?
- What?
The head.
- I got a head!
You do?
- Oh, yeah. Tagged and bagged!
Good ol' Mikey. Don't get
more reliable than that.
All right, boys,
that's a wrap! Load out!
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
Curtis: And so I said
to the Senator, I said,
"You kiss your Labrador
with that mouth?"
- [ Laughs ]
Uh-oh. [ Laughs ]
And what did
the senator say, sir?
About kissing the Labrador?
What?
No, it was a joke, O'Doyle.
He didn't actually kiss the dog.
Oh.
What's on the docket
today, Banks?
Well, the 4-Score Bill
is advancing to Congress.
You know, adding a stone
top hat to Lincoln's head
- on Mount Rushmore?
Oh, this fucking hat, man.
I thought I said
we're not doing it.
Even Lincoln's ghost
called it stupid.
Yeah, well, the Hatters think
you're a big dumb liar
and that being anti-hat
is anti-American.
[ Knock on door ]
Yes, Janice?
Sir, I've received
several calls saying
that Paul Bunyan is
back from the dead.
- Excuse me?
- Say what now?
But we killed him
6 to 12 months ago.
Also, he's a tree now.
Holy shit.
Curtis: What is up
with his body?
O'Doyle: Wait, why
is he still ripped?
Banks: "He tree now?"
Guys!
Did you hear about Bunyan??
I told my wife and kid
to lock all the doors.
Oh, yep. You're on it.
I guess he's kinda hot
for a tree, huh?
Damn, this is blowing up.
The Hatters are really
running with it.
He went out there and boxed
the guy and surprise, surprise,
Bunyan lived because our
president thinks he's Batman.
He lied about Bunyan's head,
and now we're supposed
to trust him with Lincoln's?
Curtis can't keep us safe,
plain and simple.
This is why we need the hat!
I'm sorry, how does
the hat fit into all this?
I'm tired of having
my cum taxed!
Okay, so he's just mad.
Banks: Sir, what are
you doing?
- Going to cuff Bunyan.
Hell, yeah!
We are back.
I will follow you anywhere, sir.
You can't just do
what you did last time.
That will play right
into your critics' hands.
You want me to change what I do
because people are talking shit?
I'm not going to play 4-D chess
with a bunch of assholes
- whose baseline is hating me.
Tell 'em, sir!
I don't do politics,
and I don't play games.
I'm here to protect the people.
Sir, there are multiple
ways to win a fight
and not all of them
involve punching a face.
Let's be strategic here.
Oh, my God, you sound
like my ex-wife.
Beverly? Oh, she's wonderful.
- Zip it, Chomps!
And, Banks you didn't
see what I saw.
That piece of shit
was eating a soccer mom.
Yeah. Unpleasant.
I have a job to do.
And this time, I'll finish it.
- Okay, but
- No buts, no cuts, no coconuts.
Let's roll! Not you, though
Chomps, you stay here.
Copy that.
♪♪
Paul Bunyan, back from the dead?
Many Americans are
locking their doors
as the murderous lumberjack
appears to be free once again.
As a tree.
That's right, Mika.
Good noticing.
His head has been merged with
the one thing he hated most.
Which has left some wondering,
is this actually
the Campground Cannibal?
Or is he something else?
Well, he's certainly very hot.
Almost as hot as your dad.
And I can say that
because I'm your step-sister.
[ Cell phones chime ]
- Just got an Oval Alert from the White House.
"President Curtis is
aware of Paul Bunyan.
You have nothing to fear.
He's got this."
Wow. This feels very
personal for Curtis.
Remember when he bragged
about killing him,
and now he's walking around,
not killed at all?
Wow.
Wowie wow wow.
Wow.
Okay, Oval Alert is out.
I left off the GIF of you
winking over your sunglasses.
What? Who authorized you
to leave off the wink?
- Not me!
- Uhp, Bunyan's close.
Tracked him based on the video's
metadata, a-thank you.
- All right, Banks. Take the wheel.
- What?! Whoa!
You can't just get up in
the middle of a flight, Denzel!
Just keep it steady.
I'm going in.
Sir, give me a minute,
I'll find a place to land.
We can face him together.
Another minute for him
to eat someone? Fuck that.
Great plan, sir.
Should I rappel down with you?
I can go piggyback,
like we sometimes do.
I'm fine, O'Doyle.
I know what I'm doing.
- [ Grunts ]
- Uhp, that's true. He does. He knows what he's doing.
Where are you, you bastard?
[ Beeping ]
Bunyan: If a man falls
in the woods,
but no one's around
to hear it
does he make a sound?
Uh-huh. If this is gonna be
your whole personality now,
- let's hit "skip intro."
- Mm.
You can't outlive
justice, Bunyan.
I'm bringing you in.
Ugh, man!
I should've paid more attention
during our lip reading training.
"Smips"? "Smii Smi"
"Smi-lulu." Nailed it.
Uh, O'Doyle?
We got company.
Reporter: There he is.
There's Bunyan,
and you can clearly see
Curtis facing off with him.
Doing the same thing
he did before.
Bunyan is unarmed.
I repeat, there is
no ax, just rugged good looks.
They've come
to watch you, Curtis.
Should we give them a show?
Uh-huh.
You gonna come quietly,
or am I gonna have
to mulch your ass?
Or we can do it my way.
[ Laughing ]
Agh! Hey!
What the hell is this?!
[ Grunts ]
He's making a move!
Agh! Shit! Herbicide!
God damn it, O'Doyle!
Shit, shit, shit.
Bunyan! Get back here!
You evil bastard!
Running and laughing again!
I got you, you son of a bitch!
You're persistent,
I'll give you that.
Ha! Dumbass!
♪♪
It's over, Bunyan.
No, Curtis.
It's just beginning.
No, no, no, no.
No, no. Don't do it!
Don't you say something cool
and then jump!
Timber.
God damn it, he did it!
Motherfucker didn't even float!
Come on!
Man: Sir, can you
sit still?
I told you,
I can do my own stitches.
I just need a tampon
and a fish hook.
Feels like that would
get infected pretty fast.
But, hey, you're the big
"macho" President.
Here's a big
Transformers Band-Aid
for our macho President.
What the hell was that about?
Bunyan sympathizer.
Fuckin' rat.
As predicted, this is looking
unbelievably awful for you, sir.
- Don't listen to her.
- Oh, he's an expert at that.
- Case in point.
- Is Curtis a piece of shit?
That's the question
the Hatters are asking.
Thousands are planting trees
to protest Curtis'
attack on a super hot
and unarmed tree-man.
Think about this
His greatest enemy
brought him back to life.
The Bhattam Line?
If trees forgave Bunyan,
maybe we should, too?
Well, he's a tree now,
which means he can
photosynthesize food, right?
So are we sure he's even
still a cannibal?
Like, was Groot still
a cannibal?
Any enemy of Curtis
is a friend of mine.
So today I'm gonna show you
how to melt down your guns
into a shovel
so you can plant a tree.
Will you shut that shit off?
It's not just
the Hatters anymore.
We need a different strategy.
It's a free country, Banks.
If people want to smoke crack
or plant trees for a cannibal,
that's their right.
Sir, crack is illegal.
That bill is stuck in the house.
And we don't know he's
still a cannibal.
A lot of people think he grew
roots to shake your hand.
He's a Goddamn monster, Banks!
- He tried to eat me!
- Glad I acted.
I had it under control, O'Doyle.
He wouldn't have ran
if you'd just listened to me.
Any sign of him?
Still nothing, sir.
We've got teams scanning
the entire river basin.
And I don't mean
to sound racist,
but all these trees look alike.
- Maybe don't put that in the report.
- Yes, ma'am.
Finch, how you coming
with that anti-Bunyan spray?
It's fascinating, his DNA
is almost purely arboreal,
with the exception
of one unknown genome.
I call it the Bunyan Factor.
I used that and an old can
of Axe Body Spray
to make this anti-foliage mist.
Think Finch!
"Agent Auburn"?
It's like Agent Orange,
but a bit less toxic.
Well, not to him.
It'll make him bleed goo
out of all of his holes.
What the
Banks, did you call for backup?
No, sir, not unless I sat
on my arm HUD again.
Wait.
Is that your ex-wife?
Christ, here we go.
Bev! Good to see you, Governor!
Only you could look that good
coming out of a helicopter.
And only you can look
that good in a dirty tank top,
but you know I didn't fly
here to flirt.
I figured, but worth a shot.
Andre, do you have any idea
where your base camp is?
The woods?
- Quincy, Illinois.
You're in my state, Andre.
The manhunt crossed state lines,
and I'm pretty sure you know
we've got White Flag laws here.
But, Bev
- If any monster or criminal wants to surrender,
They have the legal right
to rehabilitation.
General Reese,
set up a command station.
Jessica, get me a meeting
with the head
of this operation's
armed forces.
- On it.
- Yes, ma'am.
Uh, duh-doy.
You don't need a "meeting"
with the head of armed forces,
you're talking to him
He's the Commander in Chief.
O'Doyle.
- No, no, it's fine.
Been a minute since
I've seen you, Francis.
Still provoking my ex-husband
to make bad decisions?
Actually, don't answer that.
You just took a shot
at an unarmed Botanicoid
and escalated this
into a national crisis.
I didn't take the shot.
I got the shot.
And how did that go?
It wasn't a particularly
strategic move,
- but we're regrouping.
- Banks, right?
- Yes, ma'am.
- Heard about you.
I assume it's your job
to pump the breaks
when Andre is punching the gas.
I can neither confirm
nor deny that, Governor.
Professional and loyal.
You sure you're working
for the right guy?
Okay, you two,
enough steely banter.
Bev, I'm always happy
to see you,
but I've got this under control.
Andre, with all due respect,
you lost control the minute
you showed up in a mech suit.
Listen, I'm not saying
Bunyan is good,
but I don't want him dead.
Let me take the lead.
We can bring him in together.
[ Sighs ] You're right, Bev.
You're right.
You always were my common sense.
[ Chuckling ] Okay, now
you're back to flirting.
You want flirting?
Come back to the White House
with me tonight,
and I'll sing you
Bill Withers in my silk onesie.
Sounds like that's more
for you than me.
[ Both laugh ]
Hey, uh, do your people have
any real bandages?
My guys have me
in this kid's stuff.
Mm-hmm. You're not
gonna regret this, Andre.
I know taking a step back
isn't your style,
but trust me, it works.
Okay, I like you.
Literally been saying
the same thing.
Wait. Andre?
Are you fuckin'
Is that my chopper?
- Curtis: Yes, ma'am!
- God damn it!
Are you kidding me?!
We should really put
a bell on him or something.
- O'Doyle: Whoo!
- Curtis: Whoo! Oh, man, this is crazy.
She's gonna be so pissed!
Ha ha! Excellent idea, sir.
Brilliant idea!
Whoo! He's toast!
Bunyan's toast!
We're going to bring
that piece of shit down!
Hell yeah, sir! What's the plan?
What's the move?
Move? What?
You know, for cloaking us,
or hiding us.
We're flying a stolen chopper
in highly visible airspace.
Yeah, yeah, sure.
Way ahead of you.
I stole this brick
from the base camp.
You can never go wrong
with a brick.
- Is that true?
- Ready to jump?
Wait, like, right now?
Yes! Just jump, O'Doyle!
It's part of the plan.
Well, shit.
Aah! [ Laughing ]
Tree, tree, tree, tree,
tree, tree, tree, tree!
[ Both grunting ]
Okay. They'll probably
notice that.
I didn't have a plan.
Yeah, I figured that out.
Plant Trees, Ax Curtis!
Plant Trees, Ax Curtis!
Ma'am, we got
protesters everywhere.
They're moving into the woods,
trying to reach Bunyan
before the President does.
Governor!
They found our chopper.
Or what's left of it.
It exploded.
Of course it did.
I assume the President's
not dead,
or you'd really be
burying the lede.
Don't ever speak for me again.
We believe they jumped.
Can't find them, though,
not on satellite or infrared.
Ugh, 10 bucks says they
covered themselves in mud.
Curtis make you
watch "Predator"?
Is that even a question?
He used my brain
to rewrite the screenplay
so the ending has
even more explosions.
By the way, I get that you
can't say what you're thinking,
which is that I'd be
a better leader.
God knows I'd like to say it.
You kinda did just say it.
You know, you didn't
answer me before.
About what?
I asked if you're sure you're
working for the right guy.
I mean, he tossed you
out like a bag of mushrooms
when the cops are coming.
Pretty specific example.
I used to drink drink
in grad school.
And you still didn't answer.
- Curtis is just passionate.
- And you're not?
General Reese.
Get Miss Banks a chopper.
Reese: Yes, ma'am.
Hot chopper coming up!
- What's happening here?
- You have a robot brain
And the ability to
track Curtis down.
Please, go stop this.
Do what you know is right.
And if Curtis tosses you to the
curb again, I've got your back.
Chopper is ready, ma'am.
You can even remote control this
one with your arm thing
in case that's important
at some point.
The choice is yours, Banks.
What do you want to do?
Also, please don't tell
anyone about the mushrooms.
I may have over shared.
All: Bunyan, Bunyan,
he's our tree!
If trees are hot,
they should be free!
God, it'd be so cool
to meet him.
I just wanna glaze him,
tell him how awesome he is.
Whoa, check this out.
Oh, my God, whoa.
Hello, friends.
Bunyan! Oh, my God,
I'm totally a Bunyan Stan.
I just want you
to know you're a smoke show
and you're safe with us.
You see it, don't you?
The beauty?
Yeah. Trees are hot.
And hungry.
Wait, what?
- [ Laughing ]
[ All screaming ]
Oh my God!
Aah!
Mm. Delicious.
Sir, I think that's enough mud.
You can't have too much,
O'Doyle.
Mud is basically
an invisibility cloak.
And what's with this passive-
aggressive superhero mask
you gave yourself?
You look ridiculous.
Well, sir, I put as much
thought into it
as you put into your plan.
Oh, my God, can't you
just track Bunyan's aura?
No, sir. There's nothing.
I've been following a mad man.
What are you muttering about?
How am I supposed to protect you
if you keep blindly making
bad decisions?
Banks was right,
we need some strategy.
I'm working on it,
you mud-less baby!
You like that, Bunyan?
I hope you can feel that shit
all the way down to your roots.
- Wait, sir. That's it.
- Me insulting you?
No, the roots.
I could try to isolate
the root networks
he's come in contact with.
I'd need to really dilate.
Like really, really dilate.
But if I make grunting sounds
like I'm shitting,
it's because
I'm concentrating hard.
Not shitting.
Oh. Okay.
[ Grunting ]
♪♪
Got something
Went Northwest
Hungry for meat, and he's
He misses the feel of
denim on his legs.
Who likes the feel of denim?
Guy still eats people for sure.
Good work, O'Doyle.
Come on!
Also, I wasn't shitting before,
but now I need to.
Trackin' down Curtis,
also known as POTUS ♪
[ Beeping ]
- What the hell?
Whoa.
Look at all these Bunyan heads.
And Hatters. And hippies?
Damn, there's nudists, too?
Nope. Wait, that's just
two people having sex.
Aww, but they're
from opposing viewpoints.
Damn. Guy's really
bringing people together.
O'Doyle: The trail's
getting stronger, sir.
He's been here recently.
Good. Let's make
this bitch paper.
Shit, hide! Hide!
I told you to put more mud on!
Sir, it's a military chopper,
not an alien eye scan.
Oh, so now you're a mud truther?
Just rub it all over your body.
Ugh. What kind of adventure
were you guys having?
Banks? What Wait.
How'd you find us?
Oh, you still have your
cell phone in your pocket.
Easiest hack and trace
I've ever done.
- Shit.
- Sir, come on, let's go back to base camp.
No one needs to know
you destroyed
a $20 million chopper
for your personal vendetta.
Uh, weird observation.
This tree has a drum in it.
- What the fuck?
- Whoa.
And this one has a backpack
Well, okay, and there's a foot.
Okay. That is weird.
The tree's DNA
is almost entirely arboreal
with one unknown genome.
The Bunyan Factor.
- The Bunyan Factor.
The Flip-Flop Gene.
Sorry, thought that's
what you were gonna say.
He's using trees
to eat people?
I fuckin' knew it!
I can't believe I've
been thinking about strategy
while he's out here eating feet!
God damn it!
Sorry I lost faith in you for
two seconds back there, sir.
- Never again.
- No, no, that's bullshit, guys.
It was a vendetta.
I hunted Bunyan
because I hate him.
And I hate even more
that people like him
and think he's hot.
It's driving me nuts.
I guess we should take
this proof to Beverly,
regroup with her team.
We got the team right here, sir.
Let's go get his ass.
I mean, how far up do
you think it goes, Roger?
All the way to the top, man.
Curtis did some shit
that Bunyan knows about,
and now Curtis is trying to kill
him to keep him from talking.
- Bunyan: Looking for tree?
- Paul!
Paul, oh, my God, man,
come with us.
We know the truth.
We're here to protect you
from Curtis!
Spoiler, though I'm evil.
Oh, no, my boots!
Oh, no! Oh, Jesus!
I just wanted to feel
a sense of belonging ohh!
Still delicious.
Banks: You sick fuck!
We finally got you, Bunyan.
Your reign of terror is over.
Gonna call your bluff
on that one.
Huh? Aah!
Damn it, this hatchet sucks!
- We should have armed up better!
[ Laughs ] Aah!
You think your
herbicide still works?
- Trees adapt!
- O'Doyle! A little help!
Tinderbox!
Agh! I just grew those!
[ Roars ]
Go ahead! Eat me!
I will tear you up inside!
Ugh! Sour flesh!
You're done, Bunyan!
This shit is personal!
You think I am Bunyan?
I am tree!
Bunyan's head was raw power.
So we claimed it.
We gave him a body
and used him as our puppet.
Hey, Bunyan!
Puppet this, dick weed!
What? No, no, no, no! No!
Argh!
[ Coughing ]
We trees tried everything.
Thought if we gave people fruit,
they'd spread our seeds
in their shit,
and we'd make it to outer space
with the astronauts.
Oh. But instead we got
bulldozed, turned into houses
for tree killers.
You motherfuckers
are destroying everything!
Add one more killer
to your list. Yah!
[ Screaming ]
Now you know who we are.
If we could,
we trees would eat you all!
We will get you
[gags] next time
Whoa.
- Took a very specific turn at the end there.
What am I supposed
to do with that info?
We need trees to survive.
Also, holy shit, Finch
was not lying about the goo.
Sir, we have the proof.
We can show the world Bunyan was still a murderer.
- And if we don't?
I mean, for the first time
in forever,
both sides of the aisle
are united against you.
Right now they're
planting trees,
but who knows what else
they might get done.
But I don't want you
to get impeached,
so, bad decision.
Please tell me you're remote-
controlling this one, Banks.
Negative, sir.
Oh, man. I've seen
that face before.
Yeah. She's pissed.
- That's kind of the look I always get.
Beverly.
I saw the smoke.
Wasn't expecting to see
his damn head cut off again.
I see you made your choice.
All right, I want a tight ship
on this clean up.
I'll be overseeing every detail.
Let's tag and bag people!
Yes, ma'am, standard T&B!
Sir, what are we gonna do?
If we don't tell people,
you're gonna keep
looking like the villain.
[ Sighs ] Leave it to me, Banks.
I know exactly what to do.
It's horrible. I know it's horrible.
- That's what I heard.
Ugh, the worst.
I didn't vote for him.
[ Clears throat ]
My fellow Americans.
As many of you know,
I killed Paul Bunyan.
Again. Any questions?
Stuckey?
- Why did you kill Paul Bunyan again?
Because there's no place
for fear in this country.
Munson.
- So you do think Bunyan was still evil?
Yes. Good looking redhead in
- My name is Robert.
You've got all sides
of the aisle united against you,
and all you have to say
is "Yes"?
Pretty much. Gigi.
Are you aware the Lincoln's Hat
bill just passed unanimously,
with an additional 10 billion
in eco-friendly legislation?
Yeah, I heard. The hat's dumb,
but I respect the votes.
That's all the questions
for now.
God bless America, and I'll see
your asses on Battleswag.
Good-bye!
- [ Reporters clamoring ]
That was brutal, sir.
Yeah, nice work.
Thanks, guys.
Listen
if this shit goes sideways,
I want you to know
it's been an honor.
I don't regret a single day,
Mr. President.
I've got a few I'd like
to take back,
but, hey,
there's always tomorrow.
[ Chuckles ]
[ Bill Withers' "Use Me" plays ]
They keep trying to tell me ♪
All you want to do
is use me ♪
Ah-huh, but my answer ♪
Ah-huh ♪
Yeah, to all
that use me stuff ♪
I, I, I ♪
Yes,
I wanna spread the news ♪
That if it feels
this good gettin' used ♪
Oh, you just keep on
usin' me ♪
Until you use me up ♪
♪♪
Until you use me up ♪
♪♪
My brother ♪
Sit me right down,
and he talked to me ♪
♪♪
Good girl, Boo Boo.
Did you get any of that?
♪♪
Curtis: Drop the body,
you sick fuck!
Curtis.
Paul Bunyan. Your 30-year
spree of murder, arson,
and cannibalism is over.
[ Chuckles ] But I haven't
even had dessert.
Get behind me, sir.
Leprechauns have
notoriously sour flesh.
No. Nothing's standing
between me and justice.
I'm taking you in.
[ Roars ]
[ Grunts ]
You folkloric fuck.
[ Yells ]
Ohh! Ow! Shit!
[ Groans ]
Anti-flannel!
Stand down, O'Doyle!
The buck stops with me.
[ Yells ]
Agh, argh, shit!
You have the right
to remain silent.
Anything you say can and
Sir, are you all Agh!
Eat ya next time!
[ Laughing ]
What goes around,
comes around, Bunyan.
[ Gurgles ]
Man, I was worried there
for a second.
Just glad we had
that obsidian boomerang.
[ Sirens wailing ]
- And you said it was an impulse buy.
I know what I'm doing, O'Doyle.
You're right, sir.
You're so right.
We'll take it from here, sir.
- Troy. Bob.
I want that bastard's paranormal
body tagged and bagged.
The campers, too.
I want to know who they were.
I'll call their families myself.
Standard T&B.
Got ya, sir.
O'Doyle, call
a press conference.
I've got a nation to address.
What? I don't know
how to do that.
God damn it, where is my
new robot Chief of Staff?
I thought she started today.
It's 5:00 AM, sir.
Also, did you say "robot"?
All right, we're tagged
and bagged!
- Get ready to ship out!
- Wait. Who's got the head?
I think Mikey does.
He was tagging
and bagging by the RV.
Hey, Mikey! You got the head?
- What?
The head.
- I got a head!
You do?
- Oh, yeah. Tagged and bagged!
Good ol' Mikey. Don't get
more reliable than that.
All right, boys,
that's a wrap! Load out!
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
Curtis: And so I said
to the Senator, I said,
"You kiss your Labrador
with that mouth?"
- [ Laughs ]
Uh-oh. [ Laughs ]
And what did
the senator say, sir?
About kissing the Labrador?
What?
No, it was a joke, O'Doyle.
He didn't actually kiss the dog.
Oh.
What's on the docket
today, Banks?
Well, the 4-Score Bill
is advancing to Congress.
You know, adding a stone
top hat to Lincoln's head
- on Mount Rushmore?
Oh, this fucking hat, man.
I thought I said
we're not doing it.
Even Lincoln's ghost
called it stupid.
Yeah, well, the Hatters think
you're a big dumb liar
and that being anti-hat
is anti-American.
[ Knock on door ]
Yes, Janice?
Sir, I've received
several calls saying
that Paul Bunyan is
back from the dead.
- Excuse me?
- Say what now?
But we killed him
6 to 12 months ago.
Also, he's a tree now.
Holy shit.
Curtis: What is up
with his body?
O'Doyle: Wait, why
is he still ripped?
Banks: "He tree now?"
Guys!
Did you hear about Bunyan??
I told my wife and kid
to lock all the doors.
Oh, yep. You're on it.
I guess he's kinda hot
for a tree, huh?
Damn, this is blowing up.
The Hatters are really
running with it.
He went out there and boxed
the guy and surprise, surprise,
Bunyan lived because our
president thinks he's Batman.
He lied about Bunyan's head,
and now we're supposed
to trust him with Lincoln's?
Curtis can't keep us safe,
plain and simple.
This is why we need the hat!
I'm sorry, how does
the hat fit into all this?
I'm tired of having
my cum taxed!
Okay, so he's just mad.
Banks: Sir, what are
you doing?
- Going to cuff Bunyan.
Hell, yeah!
We are back.
I will follow you anywhere, sir.
You can't just do
what you did last time.
That will play right
into your critics' hands.
You want me to change what I do
because people are talking shit?
I'm not going to play 4-D chess
with a bunch of assholes
- whose baseline is hating me.
Tell 'em, sir!
I don't do politics,
and I don't play games.
I'm here to protect the people.
Sir, there are multiple
ways to win a fight
and not all of them
involve punching a face.
Let's be strategic here.
Oh, my God, you sound
like my ex-wife.
Beverly? Oh, she's wonderful.
- Zip it, Chomps!
And, Banks you didn't
see what I saw.
That piece of shit
was eating a soccer mom.
Yeah. Unpleasant.
I have a job to do.
And this time, I'll finish it.
- Okay, but
- No buts, no cuts, no coconuts.
Let's roll! Not you, though
Chomps, you stay here.
Copy that.
♪♪
Paul Bunyan, back from the dead?
Many Americans are
locking their doors
as the murderous lumberjack
appears to be free once again.
As a tree.
That's right, Mika.
Good noticing.
His head has been merged with
the one thing he hated most.
Which has left some wondering,
is this actually
the Campground Cannibal?
Or is he something else?
Well, he's certainly very hot.
Almost as hot as your dad.
And I can say that
because I'm your step-sister.
[ Cell phones chime ]
- Just got an Oval Alert from the White House.
"President Curtis is
aware of Paul Bunyan.
You have nothing to fear.
He's got this."
Wow. This feels very
personal for Curtis.
Remember when he bragged
about killing him,
and now he's walking around,
not killed at all?
Wow.
Wowie wow wow.
Wow.
Okay, Oval Alert is out.
I left off the GIF of you
winking over your sunglasses.
What? Who authorized you
to leave off the wink?
- Not me!
- Uhp, Bunyan's close.
Tracked him based on the video's
metadata, a-thank you.
- All right, Banks. Take the wheel.
- What?! Whoa!
You can't just get up in
the middle of a flight, Denzel!
Just keep it steady.
I'm going in.
Sir, give me a minute,
I'll find a place to land.
We can face him together.
Another minute for him
to eat someone? Fuck that.
Great plan, sir.
Should I rappel down with you?
I can go piggyback,
like we sometimes do.
I'm fine, O'Doyle.
I know what I'm doing.
- [ Grunts ]
- Uhp, that's true. He does. He knows what he's doing.
Where are you, you bastard?
[ Beeping ]
Bunyan: If a man falls
in the woods,
but no one's around
to hear it
does he make a sound?
Uh-huh. If this is gonna be
your whole personality now,
- let's hit "skip intro."
- Mm.
You can't outlive
justice, Bunyan.
I'm bringing you in.
Ugh, man!
I should've paid more attention
during our lip reading training.
"Smips"? "Smii Smi"
"Smi-lulu." Nailed it.
Uh, O'Doyle?
We got company.
Reporter: There he is.
There's Bunyan,
and you can clearly see
Curtis facing off with him.
Doing the same thing
he did before.
Bunyan is unarmed.
I repeat, there is
no ax, just rugged good looks.
They've come
to watch you, Curtis.
Should we give them a show?
Uh-huh.
You gonna come quietly,
or am I gonna have
to mulch your ass?
Or we can do it my way.
[ Laughing ]
Agh! Hey!
What the hell is this?!
[ Grunts ]
He's making a move!
Agh! Shit! Herbicide!
God damn it, O'Doyle!
Shit, shit, shit.
Bunyan! Get back here!
You evil bastard!
Running and laughing again!
I got you, you son of a bitch!
You're persistent,
I'll give you that.
Ha! Dumbass!
♪♪
It's over, Bunyan.
No, Curtis.
It's just beginning.
No, no, no, no.
No, no. Don't do it!
Don't you say something cool
and then jump!
Timber.
God damn it, he did it!
Motherfucker didn't even float!
Come on!
Man: Sir, can you
sit still?
I told you,
I can do my own stitches.
I just need a tampon
and a fish hook.
Feels like that would
get infected pretty fast.
But, hey, you're the big
"macho" President.
Here's a big
Transformers Band-Aid
for our macho President.
What the hell was that about?
Bunyan sympathizer.
Fuckin' rat.
As predicted, this is looking
unbelievably awful for you, sir.
- Don't listen to her.
- Oh, he's an expert at that.
- Case in point.
- Is Curtis a piece of shit?
That's the question
the Hatters are asking.
Thousands are planting trees
to protest Curtis'
attack on a super hot
and unarmed tree-man.
Think about this
His greatest enemy
brought him back to life.
The Bhattam Line?
If trees forgave Bunyan,
maybe we should, too?
Well, he's a tree now,
which means he can
photosynthesize food, right?
So are we sure he's even
still a cannibal?
Like, was Groot still
a cannibal?
Any enemy of Curtis
is a friend of mine.
So today I'm gonna show you
how to melt down your guns
into a shovel
so you can plant a tree.
Will you shut that shit off?
It's not just
the Hatters anymore.
We need a different strategy.
It's a free country, Banks.
If people want to smoke crack
or plant trees for a cannibal,
that's their right.
Sir, crack is illegal.
That bill is stuck in the house.
And we don't know he's
still a cannibal.
A lot of people think he grew
roots to shake your hand.
He's a Goddamn monster, Banks!
- He tried to eat me!
- Glad I acted.
I had it under control, O'Doyle.
He wouldn't have ran
if you'd just listened to me.
Any sign of him?
Still nothing, sir.
We've got teams scanning
the entire river basin.
And I don't mean
to sound racist,
but all these trees look alike.
- Maybe don't put that in the report.
- Yes, ma'am.
Finch, how you coming
with that anti-Bunyan spray?
It's fascinating, his DNA
is almost purely arboreal,
with the exception
of one unknown genome.
I call it the Bunyan Factor.
I used that and an old can
of Axe Body Spray
to make this anti-foliage mist.
Think Finch!
"Agent Auburn"?
It's like Agent Orange,
but a bit less toxic.
Well, not to him.
It'll make him bleed goo
out of all of his holes.
What the
Banks, did you call for backup?
No, sir, not unless I sat
on my arm HUD again.
Wait.
Is that your ex-wife?
Christ, here we go.
Bev! Good to see you, Governor!
Only you could look that good
coming out of a helicopter.
And only you can look
that good in a dirty tank top,
but you know I didn't fly
here to flirt.
I figured, but worth a shot.
Andre, do you have any idea
where your base camp is?
The woods?
- Quincy, Illinois.
You're in my state, Andre.
The manhunt crossed state lines,
and I'm pretty sure you know
we've got White Flag laws here.
But, Bev
- If any monster or criminal wants to surrender,
They have the legal right
to rehabilitation.
General Reese,
set up a command station.
Jessica, get me a meeting
with the head
of this operation's
armed forces.
- On it.
- Yes, ma'am.
Uh, duh-doy.
You don't need a "meeting"
with the head of armed forces,
you're talking to him
He's the Commander in Chief.
O'Doyle.
- No, no, it's fine.
Been a minute since
I've seen you, Francis.
Still provoking my ex-husband
to make bad decisions?
Actually, don't answer that.
You just took a shot
at an unarmed Botanicoid
and escalated this
into a national crisis.
I didn't take the shot.
I got the shot.
And how did that go?
It wasn't a particularly
strategic move,
- but we're regrouping.
- Banks, right?
- Yes, ma'am.
- Heard about you.
I assume it's your job
to pump the breaks
when Andre is punching the gas.
I can neither confirm
nor deny that, Governor.
Professional and loyal.
You sure you're working
for the right guy?
Okay, you two,
enough steely banter.
Bev, I'm always happy
to see you,
but I've got this under control.
Andre, with all due respect,
you lost control the minute
you showed up in a mech suit.
Listen, I'm not saying
Bunyan is good,
but I don't want him dead.
Let me take the lead.
We can bring him in together.
[ Sighs ] You're right, Bev.
You're right.
You always were my common sense.
[ Chuckling ] Okay, now
you're back to flirting.
You want flirting?
Come back to the White House
with me tonight,
and I'll sing you
Bill Withers in my silk onesie.
Sounds like that's more
for you than me.
[ Both laugh ]
Hey, uh, do your people have
any real bandages?
My guys have me
in this kid's stuff.
Mm-hmm. You're not
gonna regret this, Andre.
I know taking a step back
isn't your style,
but trust me, it works.
Okay, I like you.
Literally been saying
the same thing.
Wait. Andre?
Are you fuckin'
Is that my chopper?
- Curtis: Yes, ma'am!
- God damn it!
Are you kidding me?!
We should really put
a bell on him or something.
- O'Doyle: Whoo!
- Curtis: Whoo! Oh, man, this is crazy.
She's gonna be so pissed!
Ha ha! Excellent idea, sir.
Brilliant idea!
Whoo! He's toast!
Bunyan's toast!
We're going to bring
that piece of shit down!
Hell yeah, sir! What's the plan?
What's the move?
Move? What?
You know, for cloaking us,
or hiding us.
We're flying a stolen chopper
in highly visible airspace.
Yeah, yeah, sure.
Way ahead of you.
I stole this brick
from the base camp.
You can never go wrong
with a brick.
- Is that true?
- Ready to jump?
Wait, like, right now?
Yes! Just jump, O'Doyle!
It's part of the plan.
Well, shit.
Aah! [ Laughing ]
Tree, tree, tree, tree,
tree, tree, tree, tree!
[ Both grunting ]
Okay. They'll probably
notice that.
I didn't have a plan.
Yeah, I figured that out.
Plant Trees, Ax Curtis!
Plant Trees, Ax Curtis!
Ma'am, we got
protesters everywhere.
They're moving into the woods,
trying to reach Bunyan
before the President does.
Governor!
They found our chopper.
Or what's left of it.
It exploded.
Of course it did.
I assume the President's
not dead,
or you'd really be
burying the lede.
Don't ever speak for me again.
We believe they jumped.
Can't find them, though,
not on satellite or infrared.
Ugh, 10 bucks says they
covered themselves in mud.
Curtis make you
watch "Predator"?
Is that even a question?
He used my brain
to rewrite the screenplay
so the ending has
even more explosions.
By the way, I get that you
can't say what you're thinking,
which is that I'd be
a better leader.
God knows I'd like to say it.
You kinda did just say it.
You know, you didn't
answer me before.
About what?
I asked if you're sure you're
working for the right guy.
I mean, he tossed you
out like a bag of mushrooms
when the cops are coming.
Pretty specific example.
I used to drink drink
in grad school.
And you still didn't answer.
- Curtis is just passionate.
- And you're not?
General Reese.
Get Miss Banks a chopper.
Reese: Yes, ma'am.
Hot chopper coming up!
- What's happening here?
- You have a robot brain
And the ability to
track Curtis down.
Please, go stop this.
Do what you know is right.
And if Curtis tosses you to the
curb again, I've got your back.
Chopper is ready, ma'am.
You can even remote control this
one with your arm thing
in case that's important
at some point.
The choice is yours, Banks.
What do you want to do?
Also, please don't tell
anyone about the mushrooms.
I may have over shared.
All: Bunyan, Bunyan,
he's our tree!
If trees are hot,
they should be free!
God, it'd be so cool
to meet him.
I just wanna glaze him,
tell him how awesome he is.
Whoa, check this out.
Oh, my God, whoa.
Hello, friends.
Bunyan! Oh, my God,
I'm totally a Bunyan Stan.
I just want you
to know you're a smoke show
and you're safe with us.
You see it, don't you?
The beauty?
Yeah. Trees are hot.
And hungry.
Wait, what?
- [ Laughing ]
[ All screaming ]
Oh my God!
Aah!
Mm. Delicious.
Sir, I think that's enough mud.
You can't have too much,
O'Doyle.
Mud is basically
an invisibility cloak.
And what's with this passive-
aggressive superhero mask
you gave yourself?
You look ridiculous.
Well, sir, I put as much
thought into it
as you put into your plan.
Oh, my God, can't you
just track Bunyan's aura?
No, sir. There's nothing.
I've been following a mad man.
What are you muttering about?
How am I supposed to protect you
if you keep blindly making
bad decisions?
Banks was right,
we need some strategy.
I'm working on it,
you mud-less baby!
You like that, Bunyan?
I hope you can feel that shit
all the way down to your roots.
- Wait, sir. That's it.
- Me insulting you?
No, the roots.
I could try to isolate
the root networks
he's come in contact with.
I'd need to really dilate.
Like really, really dilate.
But if I make grunting sounds
like I'm shitting,
it's because
I'm concentrating hard.
Not shitting.
Oh. Okay.
[ Grunting ]
♪♪
Got something
Went Northwest
Hungry for meat, and he's
He misses the feel of
denim on his legs.
Who likes the feel of denim?
Guy still eats people for sure.
Good work, O'Doyle.
Come on!
Also, I wasn't shitting before,
but now I need to.
Trackin' down Curtis,
also known as POTUS ♪
[ Beeping ]
- What the hell?
Whoa.
Look at all these Bunyan heads.
And Hatters. And hippies?
Damn, there's nudists, too?
Nope. Wait, that's just
two people having sex.
Aww, but they're
from opposing viewpoints.
Damn. Guy's really
bringing people together.
O'Doyle: The trail's
getting stronger, sir.
He's been here recently.
Good. Let's make
this bitch paper.
Shit, hide! Hide!
I told you to put more mud on!
Sir, it's a military chopper,
not an alien eye scan.
Oh, so now you're a mud truther?
Just rub it all over your body.
Ugh. What kind of adventure
were you guys having?
Banks? What Wait.
How'd you find us?
Oh, you still have your
cell phone in your pocket.
Easiest hack and trace
I've ever done.
- Shit.
- Sir, come on, let's go back to base camp.
No one needs to know
you destroyed
a $20 million chopper
for your personal vendetta.
Uh, weird observation.
This tree has a drum in it.
- What the fuck?
- Whoa.
And this one has a backpack
Well, okay, and there's a foot.
Okay. That is weird.
The tree's DNA
is almost entirely arboreal
with one unknown genome.
The Bunyan Factor.
- The Bunyan Factor.
The Flip-Flop Gene.
Sorry, thought that's
what you were gonna say.
He's using trees
to eat people?
I fuckin' knew it!
I can't believe I've
been thinking about strategy
while he's out here eating feet!
God damn it!
Sorry I lost faith in you for
two seconds back there, sir.
- Never again.
- No, no, that's bullshit, guys.
It was a vendetta.
I hunted Bunyan
because I hate him.
And I hate even more
that people like him
and think he's hot.
It's driving me nuts.
I guess we should take
this proof to Beverly,
regroup with her team.
We got the team right here, sir.
Let's go get his ass.
I mean, how far up do
you think it goes, Roger?
All the way to the top, man.
Curtis did some shit
that Bunyan knows about,
and now Curtis is trying to kill
him to keep him from talking.
- Bunyan: Looking for tree?
- Paul!
Paul, oh, my God, man,
come with us.
We know the truth.
We're here to protect you
from Curtis!
Spoiler, though I'm evil.
Oh, no, my boots!
Oh, no! Oh, Jesus!
I just wanted to feel
a sense of belonging ohh!
Still delicious.
Banks: You sick fuck!
We finally got you, Bunyan.
Your reign of terror is over.
Gonna call your bluff
on that one.
Huh? Aah!
Damn it, this hatchet sucks!
- We should have armed up better!
[ Laughs ] Aah!
You think your
herbicide still works?
- Trees adapt!
- O'Doyle! A little help!
Tinderbox!
Agh! I just grew those!
[ Roars ]
Go ahead! Eat me!
I will tear you up inside!
Ugh! Sour flesh!
You're done, Bunyan!
This shit is personal!
You think I am Bunyan?
I am tree!
Bunyan's head was raw power.
So we claimed it.
We gave him a body
and used him as our puppet.
Hey, Bunyan!
Puppet this, dick weed!
What? No, no, no, no! No!
Argh!
[ Coughing ]
We trees tried everything.
Thought if we gave people fruit,
they'd spread our seeds
in their shit,
and we'd make it to outer space
with the astronauts.
Oh. But instead we got
bulldozed, turned into houses
for tree killers.
You motherfuckers
are destroying everything!
Add one more killer
to your list. Yah!
[ Screaming ]
Now you know who we are.
If we could,
we trees would eat you all!
We will get you
[gags] next time
Whoa.
- Took a very specific turn at the end there.
What am I supposed
to do with that info?
We need trees to survive.
Also, holy shit, Finch
was not lying about the goo.
Sir, we have the proof.
We can show the world Bunyan was still a murderer.
- And if we don't?
I mean, for the first time
in forever,
both sides of the aisle
are united against you.
Right now they're
planting trees,
but who knows what else
they might get done.
But I don't want you
to get impeached,
so, bad decision.
Please tell me you're remote-
controlling this one, Banks.
Negative, sir.
Oh, man. I've seen
that face before.
Yeah. She's pissed.
- That's kind of the look I always get.
Beverly.
I saw the smoke.
Wasn't expecting to see
his damn head cut off again.
I see you made your choice.
All right, I want a tight ship
on this clean up.
I'll be overseeing every detail.
Let's tag and bag people!
Yes, ma'am, standard T&B!
Sir, what are we gonna do?
If we don't tell people,
you're gonna keep
looking like the villain.
[ Sighs ] Leave it to me, Banks.
I know exactly what to do.
It's horrible. I know it's horrible.
- That's what I heard.
Ugh, the worst.
I didn't vote for him.
[ Clears throat ]
My fellow Americans.
As many of you know,
I killed Paul Bunyan.
Again. Any questions?
Stuckey?
- Why did you kill Paul Bunyan again?
Because there's no place
for fear in this country.
Munson.
- So you do think Bunyan was still evil?
Yes. Good looking redhead in
- My name is Robert.
You've got all sides
of the aisle united against you,
and all you have to say
is "Yes"?
Pretty much. Gigi.
Are you aware the Lincoln's Hat
bill just passed unanimously,
with an additional 10 billion
in eco-friendly legislation?
Yeah, I heard. The hat's dumb,
but I respect the votes.
That's all the questions
for now.
God bless America, and I'll see
your asses on Battleswag.
Good-bye!
- [ Reporters clamoring ]
That was brutal, sir.
Yeah, nice work.
Thanks, guys.
Listen
if this shit goes sideways,
I want you to know
it's been an honor.
I don't regret a single day,
Mr. President.
I've got a few I'd like
to take back,
but, hey,
there's always tomorrow.
[ Chuckles ]
[ Bill Withers' "Use Me" plays ]
They keep trying to tell me ♪
All you want to do
is use me ♪
Ah-huh, but my answer ♪
Ah-huh ♪
Yeah, to all
that use me stuff ♪
I, I, I ♪
Yes,
I wanna spread the news ♪
That if it feels
this good gettin' used ♪
Oh, you just keep on
usin' me ♪
Until you use me up ♪
♪♪
Until you use me up ♪
♪♪
My brother ♪
Sit me right down,
and he talked to me ♪
♪♪
Good girl, Boo Boo.
Did you get any of that?