Stuart Fails to Save the Universe (2026) s01e10 Episode Script

1
(SUSPENSEFUL INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- Where the hell are we?
- KYLE: Nowhere.
- (MUSIC FADES) ♪
- What do you mean "nowhere"?
- You know somewhere?
- Yeah.
This ain't that.
- How can we be nowhere?
- (SIGHS)
Well there's this thing.
I don't know quite
how to explain it
other than as a, uh,
swirling ball
of omnipotent cosmic shit,
and it really doesn't like you.
But it doesn't know me.
It does. It does.
It knows everything.
It It trapped you
- in the comic book.
- (INTRIGUING MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
KYLE: And when you got out,
it moved the whole store
to where we are now,
which is where we aren't
because it isn't.
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
Why does the ball of shit
not like us?
That's gonna require
a little show and tell.
Ooh, fun. (CHUCKLES)
(MUTTERS SOFTLY, CHUCKLES)
- Fourteen billion years ago
- (MUSIC RISES) ♪
- there was nothing.
- (MUSIC FADES) ♪
A picture of nothing.
Very helpful.
I I couldn't imagine it.
(SHUSHES) Go on, Kyle.
- Uh, nothing except for
- (INTRIGUING MUSIC RESUMES) ♪
a consciousness,
which our brains perceive
as the aforementioned
swirling ball of shit.
- I can't see.
- (MUSIC FADES) ♪
- (QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- Thank you.
- Uh, then came the Big Bang
- (MUSIC RISES DRAMATICALLY) ♪
which led
to the creation of everything.
- Appreciate it.
- KYLE: Uh-huh.
What does any of this
have to do with us?
Honey, he's getting there.
- Thank you.
- (INTRIGUING MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
The consciousness was deeply
unhappy about creation.
It hated everything about it.
Uh, the planets, the stars,
uh, salsa dancing. (CHUCKLES)
Vaseline, everything.
It missed the peace and silence
of infinite nothing.
I get that.
- What do you mean you get that?
- (MUSIC FADES) ♪
You ever been to Costco
on a Black Friday?
It can be very upsetting.
- I'm confused.
- (QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
This consciousness
caused the Big Bang?
Oh, yes, and if you meet it,
don't bring it up.
It's a sore spot.
Once again,
what does any of this
have to do with me?
- (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- You broke this quantum thingy,
which opened up
a crack in reality,
allowing the consciousness
its first opportunity
to pull the plug
on the whole deal.
"The whole deal"
being the universe?
Every universe, every molecule,
- every atom, everything.
- (MUSIC FADES) ♪
So, it's trying to keep me
from undoing what I did
- so it could undo what it did?
- Well put.
(STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- (MYSTERIOUS MUSIC STING) ♪
- What was that?
- What was what?
- (HESITATES)
(WITH RHOTACISM)
Waughter. I heard waughter.
I didn't hear anything.
Wait, so we're trapped
here forever?
- Uh, no, no. Forever is a time.
- (SOFT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- We're here always.
- (MUSIC FADES) ♪
Well, at least we got
lots of stuff to read.
- (STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- Okay. None of you heard that?
- (GASPS) Ha!
- (STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- Ah, there it is again!
- (COMICAL MUSIC STING) ♪
(THEME SONG PLAYING) ♪
Stuart tries
To reset our lives ♪
But he fails
To save the universe ♪
He's our only chance
And he tries and he tries ♪
But he fails
To save the universe ♪
Stuart fails ♪
(THEME SONG CONCLUDES) ♪
- Oh, my God.
- (QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- STUART BLOOM: What have I done?
- What's the matter?
What's the matter?
If Kyle's right,
- I'm responsible
- (MUSIC FADES) ♪
for the imminent destruction
of everyone and everything
that ever was and ever will be.
- Anything else?
- (COMICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- What else is there?
- Never mind.
(GROANS) How's this happening
to me? Denise
(SIGHS) I'm a simple man.
I wake up in the morning,
put on one of my two pairs
of pants, and go to work
in a comic book store
that's never made a dime.
Except for the year
I set it on fire
and collected the insurance.
- Are you done wallowing?
- Don't take that away from me.
It's the only thing I do well.
- (GROANS)
- (MUSIC FADES) ♪
Enjoy.
- Wait, how did I get here?
- (INTRIGUING MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Kyle explained it,
the swirling ball of shit.
No, this room.
How did I get in this room?
I don't know. You walked?
I don't remember walking
in here.
Well, there's clearly a lot
of things you don't remember.
- What's that mean?
- You don't know?
I'm not gonna tell you.
STUART: Huh?
(GROANS) Hello, fetal position,
my old friend.
- (MUSIC FADES) ♪
- (STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- (SIGHS) Why do I even bother?
- Problem?
Your BFF forgot my birthday.
You do realize
he's got a lot on his plate,
what with the end
of the universe and all?
I already heard that from him.
I don't need
to hear that from you.
- Want me to talk to him?
- Absolutely not.
Don't you say a word.
Denise, Bert,
you wanna have your minds bwown?
- We are in a comic book store
- (PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
floating in nothingness while
an omniscient consciousness
is about to destroy
everything that exists,
so the bar for mind-blowing
is pretty high.
Evewything we've been through
- (INTRIGUING MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- is in these comic books.
Here's "Cow Stomachs."
Here's "Paradise World."
We're kind of the assholes
in that one.
Here's one where Gawwy dies.
- Here's another one where Gawwy dies.
- (MUSIC FADES) ♪
- (SIGHS) Gary.
- BARRY KRIPKE: Mm.
- (QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- Denise, I want to apologize.
Hmm, really?
What do you wanna apologize for?
- (MUSIC FADES) ♪
- (HUMMING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY") ♪
- Ow!
- (STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- (QUIRKY MUSIC RESUMES) ♪
- Uh, check it out.
Your wittle trip
to the nuthouse.
Here's a good one.
You're all underwater.
- You got gills.
- We were never underwater.
Huh.
Maybe it hasn't happened yet.
Let me see that.
You punched me in my flu shot.
- Sorry.
- (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
- (STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- (ECHOING SLAM)
(LOW OMINOUS RUMBLING)
The hell?
- (RUMBLING STOPS)
- (BREATHES HEAVILY)
- What?
- (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- You didn't see that?
- See what?
I don't know, something's wong.
Yeah, I feel like
I'm wosing my mind.
It happens as we get older.
- Speaking of getting older
- (COMICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- What is that sound?
- (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC BUILDS) ♪
(STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
- (BERT KIBBLER CHEWING)
- (QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
What are you doing?
- Eating a dumpling.
- (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
No, you're eating the skin.
I don't like the insides.
The insides
are what makes them dumpwings.
Would you like my insides?
- Okay.
- (STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(SIGHS)
What are you looking for?
Eh, it's a long shot,
but something that shows
where we are and how we get out.
Can you leave?
I don't know.
What do you mean,
you don't know?
How can you not know?
Best guess, willful ignorance.
(STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- Whoa, what was that?
- Thank you.
What was what?
There-- There's people waughing.
Yeah, but kind of fake laughing.
Did you hear anything?
(MOCKINGLY)
No, I didn't hear anything.
Denise, come on.
Are you gonna tell me
what I did wrong?
I can.
But I won't.
- (STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- Again?
BARRY: I am reawwy freaking out.
- (ECHOING SLAM)
- (LOW OMINOUS RUMBLING)
Holy shit.
- Now what?
- You don't see this?
The whole store changed!
It's gone all bright!
That wall disappeared.
(RUMBLING STOPS)
I see a wall.
Let me run something by you.
If the store exists
outside of space and time,
are we getting older
or do we stay the same?
Hey, hey, man. I just work here.
That's a good question.
Are we frozen at the age
we are now? No more birthdays?
Oh, look who's suddenly
aware of birthdays.
(STUDIO AUDIENCE GASPING)
Can somebody explain to me
what's going on with her?
You forgot her birthday.
That's what this is about?
With everything
we've got going on,
she's upset about her birthday?
It does feel superfwuous
to the main story.
(STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Okay, now I, too,
am freaking out.
Here's a fun wittle question.
Where did this food come fwom?
Oh, Szechuan Palace.
Uh-huh. And how did it get here?
Uber Eats, DoorDash,
one of those.
Sure, sure. And they dewiver
to comic book shops
that exist
outside of time and space?
Maybe Postmates.
(STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(SOBS, BREATHES DEEPLY)
- Denise.
- (DENISE SNIFFLES)
I don't want this
to sound insensitive,
but isn't being trapped
by an evil omniscient entity
in a cosmic void more important
- than your birthday?
- (STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- I guess it is to you.
- (STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Denise, listen to me.
I love you,
and I will do anything
to make you happy.
- Except remember my birthday.
- (STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Uh Let me try again.
- Denise.
- Yes?
Happy birthday.
That's it?
To you ♪
- (STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- Happy birthday to you ♪
- Please stop.
- Sorry. So, are we good?
Do you think we're good?
(GROANS) Yes?
(STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(GROANS) No.
(STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- Any food left?
- Dumpling meat.
(STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Is it too late
for a surprise party?
- (STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- Is this still birthday cwap?
- Oh, shut up, Kripke.
- Hear me out.
How do you know
it's your birthday?
What do you mean, how do I know?
- I know.
- Really?
What day is it wight now?
Monday, Tuesday?
- Um
- While you mull that over,
Bert, say something funny.
Two peanuts were walking
down the street.
One was a-salted.
(STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Check out the back page,
Cowumbo.
(STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
"Stuart Fails
to Save the Universe,
a new comedy coming
to CBS this fall."
- What's CBS?
- It's an old TV thing,
- not the point.
- (STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Somehow, we're in a sitcom.
I thought we were
in a meaningless void.
- Same thing.
- (STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And Denise's birthday
is the stupid B-story.
Don't call my girlfriend stupid.
- (STUDIO AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING)
- Huh?
Look at the wall
that isn't there.
(WIND WHOOSHING SOFTLY)
Where'd it go?
How can there not be a wall?
Better question,
what's behind where it isn't?
Somebody should find out.
- What are you looking at me for?
- (STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Because for some
incompwehensible weason,
- you are the star of this show.
- (STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Okay.
(SIGHS) Okay, uh,
I guess then, uh,
it is up to me.
(WIND WHOOSHING SOFTLY)
Stuart, wait.
We don't know what's out there.
Only one way to find out.
- I love you.
- I love you too.
- (BOTH KISS)
- STUDIO AUDIENCE: Aw.
(BREATHES SHAKILY)
Oh, my God. What's happening?
I'll tell you what's happening.
- You are back on the market.
- (STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
You're such a creep.
Well (CLEARS THROAT)
guess it's just you
and me, buddy.
- Nope.
- (STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Well, guess it's just
- you and me, buddy--
- Nope.
(STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- Kind of hurts my feelings.
- (STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- (LAUGHTER FADES)
- (MICROPHONE FEEDBACK SCREECHES)
MARK SWEET:
Ladies and gentlemen,
are you ready to meet
our cast one more time?
- Come on.
- (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING, CHEERING)
Let's blow the roof
off this place.
You're gonna let them know
how much you love the show.
Rise to your feet.
Make a ton of noise.
Let's meet our amazing cast.
Playing Barry Kripke,
huge hand for John Ross Bowie!
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
As Bert Kibbler,
the hilariously funny
- Brian Posehn!
- (AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
(MOUTHS) What the fuck?
MARK: You know her,
you love her,
- as Denise, Lauren Lapkus.
- (AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
And the star of our show,
the guy who fails
to save the universe,
our very own Stuart Bloom,
the one and only,
- Mr. Kevin Sussman!
- (AUDIENCE CHEERING)
This can't be happening.
Let's get out of here.
Thank you, guys, for coming.
(IN DISTANCE) Uh, we hope
you guys had a great time.
We certainly did.
LAUREN LAPKUS:
We do this for you.
JOHN ROSS BOWIE:
But also for the money.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
BRIAN POSEHN:
Good night, everyone. Drive safe!
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
(DOOR CLOSES)
What is all this?
Are we dead?
Or maybe we were never real.
Of course we're real.
Figments of the imagination
- don't have irritable bowel syndrome.
- (LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- You too?
- Yeah.
Hey. What do you do for it?
You have to learn
to manage stress,
and it sounds counterintuitive,
but you actually want
a little less fiber.
- Intewesting. I'll try that.
- Oh, my God. Will you two stop?
We just walked past actors
who play us.
That has to be more pressing
than the quality of your BMs.
You're right.
I mean, I don't wish
what happens to me
in the bathroom
on my worst enemy,
but you're-- you're right.
Well, at least
we have each other.
(GROANING) Yes, yeah.
So, now what?
- (MYSTERIOUS MUSIC BUILDS) ♪
- I don't know. (SIGHS)
But I have to believe the answer
is out there somewhere.
- (MUSIC FADES) ♪
- In Burbank?
Or Studio City.
("SPRAWL II"
BY ARCADE FIRE PLAYING) ♪
They heard me singing
And they told me to stop ♪
Quit these pretentious things
And just punch the clock ♪
BARRY:
Do bananas count as fiber?
STUART: Oh, absolutely.
Sometimes I wonder
If the world's so small ♪
That we can never get away
From the sprawl ♪
Living in the sprawl ♪
Dead shopping malls ♪
Rise like mountains
Beyond mountains ♪
And there's no end in sight ♪
I need the darkness
Someone, please cut the lights ♪
- (SONG STOPS) ♪
- (DRAMATIC MUSIC STING) ♪
(WARBLING WHOOSH)
THE ADVERSARY:
I gave you one job.
(STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- (SONG RESUMES) ♪
- We rode our bikes ♪
To the nearest park ♪
Sat under the swings
And kissed in the dark ♪
Sometimes I wonder
If the world's so small ♪
That we can never get away
From the sprawl ♪
Living in the sprawl ♪
Dead shopping malls ♪
Rise like mountains
Beyond mountains ♪
And there's no end in sight ♪
I need the darkness
Someone, please cut the lights ♪
(SONG CONCLUDES) ♪