The Upshaws (2021) s01e10 Episode Script

Damn, I missed this place.
Was this porch always here?
You were here yesterday.
Can you let a man process?
You sure?
Yeah.
Excuse me, sir.
- Ladies, Daddy's home!
- Daddy!
How y'all doin', man?
Daddy! I saw a cloud
that looked like you.
But then the wind made it
look like a cloud again.
Welcome home, Dad.
I would be happier to see
you if it was next Friday.
Gotta cover the spread.
You guys, get ready for dinner.
Here. Take this upstairs for Daddy.
Uh, nope, you're in the basement.
I ain't sleeping in the basement.
It smell like the basement.
Well, that's what's happening.
Man, I thought y'all worked things out.
I'm six and this is a full toolbox.
What kind of okey-doke shit is this?
I thought I was back in.
Bennie, this was your idea.
You asked to be let back in here
for the girls, and I let you.
But back in ain't "back in."
I shouldn't be standing here for this.
Look, you seemed to get it, all right?
But if you was just saying some
shit, this ain't gonna work.
No, no, the basement is cool.
Lucretia, go downstairs and
scare all your rat friends away.
You know what?
You shouldn't be in the basement.
Let me upgrade you.
Uh, I don't smell waffles.
Uh, good, then you
ain't having a stroke.
But, Mom, it's Waffle Saturday.
Well, I'm sorry, girls, but it's
about to be GMAT Monday.
Now, let's see. We got some cereal.
Uh, I think we got some
milk Oh, wait a minute.
I don't have to do bad all by myself.
Hey, Bennie!
Come up here and feed these kids!
What y'all want?
What are you doing coming from upstairs?
You ain't got roaming privileges.
I slept in Maya's room last night.
That's not what we
Been here 12 hours and already
What the hell?
Girls, your father and
I need to discuss
Christmas.
"Bennie Upshaw, I can't keep
telling you this stuff."
"But I'm bad with my words."
Kiss, kiss, kiss, hug, hug.
Blast music in your bedroom like
it's not obvious what you're doing.
Yeah. And quit locking the door.
Other people might want
to come in and dance, too.
Well, we don't need to
talk about Christmas.
Because your little six-act
play just got it cancelled.
You mean we don't get to unwrap
a orange and a toothbrush?
And I found the line, my bad.
Yeah, Maya had a bad dream.
She came and got me, and I dozed off.
Why didn't she come and get me?
'Cause the dream was about you.
You ate her.
Great. So now I'm the boogeyman?
Man, it's
It's this test, I'm so
stressed out all the time.
- All right. I'll talk to her.
- No, hey
You need to focus, okay?
I'mma take the kids down to the shop.
You can have the whole
house to yourself.
- Seriously?
- Yeah.
Wow, that would help. Thank you.
And don't sweat that dream stuff.
Maya loves you.
Thirty-seven hours in labor
with that parade-float head.
She better love me.
Ah.
Give you a lesson on how to
change a tire, young lady.
Why? Won't the Triple-A guy know how?
You not about to be standing
on no hot-ass highway
waiting on Triple-A.
Duh. I'll wait in the car.
I'm not tryin' to sweat my hair out.
Girl, pay attention and learn
this so you can marry for love.
Hey, Bennie. Hold up real quick.
The compression on this
Pontiac, I can't get it.
You check the piston rings?
And the valves. And the head gasket.
Does it have gas?
Please, young lady.
We professionals.
Ah, that's a good one.
"Does it have gas?"
I'll be right back.
Check the gas.
Oh! Well, I'll be damned.
Ah, yeah. What y'all doing?
Maya's telling my fortune.
- You picked four.
- Okay.
One, two, three, four.
"You will lose all your money."
Uh-oh. Guess I better
ask for overtime, Bennie.
Hey, baby.
New shoes?
Red bottoms?
Those are expensive.
I'm not trying to clip your wings.
You know, get the shoes, yeah, yeah.
I love Hello? Hello?
Damn!
I was saving that money
for a colonoscopy.
Unless I don't need it.
Oh, you need it.
Why does your machine give
out pads and Almond Joys?
That's your Aunt Lucre
Wait a minute. You're having
your female situation?
Period, Dad. You can say period.
Do you know what to do?
Do we need to google it or what?
You do know this isn't
my first time, right?
Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Do you need something?
Some tea? Some aspirin?
I don't have a hot water bottle,
but I can heat one of
'em mufflers up for you.
Dang, Dad, I'm your daughter,
not your Camaro.
Yeah, I love you just as much.
This test is so stupid.
Who cares what assiduous means?
It means like constant.
I said, "Who cares?" not, "Who knows?"
Uh, I'm here to do you
a favor, so reel it in.
Gonna take the girls for the day.
- Bennie took them this morning.
- Oh, Lord.
Let me go get them kids from the track.
They're at the shop.
Oh, great, he'll probably lock up
for lunch, forget they're in there.
Poor little hot-boxed babies.
I'm trying to cut Bennie some slack,
so should you.
Uh-uh, no, don't cut him any slack.
I see what's going on.
Spending time with the girls.
That assiduous asshole is trying
to win the separation battle.
See, that's how you
use it in a sentence.
You got a lot of theories for a
woman with two body pillows.
- Hey.
- Hey.
What's wrong, baby?
I'm worried about telling
someone I'm gay.
Do we have to go through this with
every human you've ever met?
Just pin it to your Twitter.
Sorry. It's a journey.
Tomorrow's my ten-year
high school reunion.
Now, how is that possible?
Shit, I just went to mine.
- Skip it.
- No, you should go.
I really enjoyed seeing my old friends,
seeing what everybody looked like.
Really looked like.
Older and wider. Skip it.
I'm into the reunion, it's just
Monique Robinson might be there.
Oh. I loved Monique.
Oh, you guys were so cute together.
Why didn't that work?
Uh, they wanted to sleep with other men.
That's the problem.
See, we kinda hooked up on Grad Night.
Sleeping with Monique is how
I knew for sure I was gay.
Never tell her.
The wokest woman in the world
would run you down with they car.
No, she doesn't know.
I kind of ghosted her.
I'm not proud of it. I loved her.
Just not in the way that she thought.
Well then, baby, that's a reason to go.
Shit, clear the air.
And show up as you.
But that'll be weird.
You think she's the only girl
to sleep with a gay dude?
We've all done it at least once.
Larry Gibson.
Albert Holmes.
Albert Holmes wasn't gay.
Albert Holmes taught me contouring.
He and his husband live in Phoenix.
Well, all right! Good for you, Albert.
Is he still playing football?
You know, he's coaching now.
Yes. Any of this helping
I hope he went to get string,
because we are dropping pearls.
Okay, my turn.
Never have I ever broken Mom's
stuff and then blamed a kid.
Drink, Dad, we know you hated that urn.
No, I hated your Aunt Bessie.
She pulled a pistol on me.
But you got me.
That's cold. We lost our
computer privileges
and I had to sweep up Aunt Bessie.
Maya, you're up.
Never have I ever been to Narnia.
You still don't get the game, do you?
I thought we were just having sodas.
No, you drink when there's
something true about you.
Oh, okay.
Never have I ever
had a crush on a boy.
Aaliyah drank.
She likes Marcus.
I know where you sleep.
Okay, come on, now,
this is why we doing this.
Okay, yeah, let me see him.
Damn! Your phone look like
it been in a drive-by!
It hit the coffee table
when Mom threw it.
- Is this boy anything like me?
- Not at all.
Yeah, keep it that way.
That's for you.
Oh.
You setting it down so carefully.
Is anything in there tickin'?
I thought we turned the page, but okay.
There you go. Lightbulbs, by the way.
We're playing a drinking game.
Yeah, with soda. I'm
not that fun of a dad.
Play with us, Bernard. I got a good one.
Okay.
Never have I ever got arrested.
I'mma need another soda.
- Bernard!
- Shoplifting.
Now I ain't proud of it, but
I really needed that Mucinex.
Oh, damn! My boy!
I like what we doing. Y'all fun.
We know.
Look at this.
Acting like the Winslows or something.
Y'all make me sick.
I finally watched Moonlight.
Oh, God! Come on.
Tell you, it must be hard having
a sister who's always right.
It's hard having a sister
who has a spare key.
I went by the shop today.
Bennie took the lead with the kids.
They were laughing, sharing, bonding.
I'm fine with that.
No, no, no, it was bleak.
Look.
Oh, heavens, no!
They almost look like a family.
That's what they sounded like, too.
You need a hobby.
so then I said, "Girl, please,
PAYDAYs taste like
peanuts and wood glue."
What's all this?
We went grocery shopping.
I see that.
But do you see it?
Bernard, you staying for dinner?
Nah, I'm just borrowing
a suit for the reunion.
Oh, you decided to go.
Yeah, he talked me into it.
I'm just gonna go and leave
early if things get weird.
You mean like if that
Monique girl shows up?
Yeah, that would make it weird.
Yeah, boy, you got my genes.
Better than your Larrys!
- The hell does that mean?
- It's a whole thing.
You had to be there.
Mmm. They got their own language.
Guys, dinner's almost ready.
Chicken and rice.
- We already ate.
- I'm stuffed.
Hey.
Stopped at The Rib Shack.
Got you that number
three with a biscuit.
We can have chicken and rice tomorrow.
They used to love your chicken and rice.
Shut up.
All right, fine. Lose your family.
They had a nice day together, all right?
Nothing is different.
I am not losing my family.
Gonna borrow this one.
Oh, yeah, boy. Hell, you gonna
kill 'em with that one, son.
- Thanks, Pop.
- Yeah.
"Pop"?
Mmm.
First your family, now this biscuit.
Ah, finally.
Good morning, my wonderful, sweet,
beautiful firstborn baby girl.
Mom, have you been drinking
your "happy coffee" again?
No. But I got this!
You fixed the screen on my old phone?
So I snuck into your room
this morning, took your phone,
drove to the mall when the
screen repair place opened
What you mean, your old phone?
Where'd you get that?
Mornin'!
Boy, that water heater leak,
it's better than an alarm clock.
Our daughter stole a phone.
Why did you do that? I just
bought you a phone yesterday.
You bought You bought
You bought?
Aaliyah, sweetie, it was
from the both of us.
I forgot to tell you.
This one is hella great.
I had to keep my old one plugged
in all the time like I was Amish.
Thanks, Dad.
We said no new phone until next year.
Did you see how cracked that shit was?
One phone call and the
girl loses her ear.
You should've told me you were doin' it.
Yeah, and you should have
told me about her period.
And about that boy.
Oh, so what, I didn't
tell you about Bryan.
Who the hell is Bryan?
She's into Marcus.
No, no, he's dating Jennifer.
She dumped him at a field
trip. Where you been?
Studying.
Building a better life for this family.
Babe, you've been holding it down.
Let me do my part.
Well, can I at least give Maya
this stuffed giraffe, huh?
Or did you get her a petting zoo?
Best gift ever!
My daddy loves me.
It's from the both of us!
- Movie!
- Rhymes with "Flack Fanther."
Dad, can you at least try not to cheat?
What? Wakanda Forever.
I got it! Frozen.
How is she beating me?
Charades! Hey, my jam!
Uh-uh. Back upstairs.
But that's my jam.
You have schoolwork, young lady.
I don't live here. Why am I talking?
No, they're right. You do
have a test tomorrow.
But I already studied it all.
Here. You can be on our
team if you can tell us
"Running at the same rate,
six identical machines
can produce a total of
33 widgets per hour."
"At this rate, how many widgets
could 14 machines produce
in three hours?"
- She don't know.
- No.
Obviously
we can conclude
given the numbers
Just keep it down!
I said keep it down!
- You better fall already.
- I'm not built for this.
Hey, it's me.
Hey, girl, let me call you back.
Cree, you were right about the kids.
I know, sucks, huh?
I'll see you tomorrow.
I mean
Cretia, all day, I have been
listening to them laugh
while I'm stuck memorizing
data analytics
and organizational behaviors.
I mean, I
I know my kids like me.
At least, I think they like me.
And Man, with everything
that's going on,
I mean, what if I pass this test, right?
I pass the test and then
there's grad school,
and then I gotta worry about
Bitch, are you downstairs right now?
I'm working it from the inside.
I'm like a mole.
Right foot red.
Look, it's right foot red, I gotta go.
All right, y'all about to see years
of physical therapy in action.
Bernard.
What, you gonna try and dip
without saying anything?
- You ain't changed a bit.
- Monique
Girl, they got you right
in the front. What's up?
Why you ain't call me back?
Oh, goodie.
Making it my fault.
That's the play here?
Play? I don't need no play.
I was an asshole. Am an asshole.
Bernard, despite what some
people here might believe,
high school was a long-ass time ago.
Still, you should know why I dipped.
I just figured it's 'cause you were gay.
You knew?
Suspected.
I mean, those eyebrows.
They're natural.
Well, there you go.
I guess every woman sleeps with one.
Well, if you knew I was gay,
why would you sleep with me?
I mean, look at you.
And I really liked you.
I lost a friend that night.
Any chance I could make one now?
I wouldn't be mad at a drink.
Don't you have to hand out name tags?
They know who they are.
- So, what do you do these days?
- I'm a cop.
Damn, and I thought I was conflicted.
I know, right?
Some days, I just wanna
pepper spray myself.
Don't trip.
There's crickets in the basement
shower and they aggressive.
Maya wants you to read her a story.
Apparently, you do good voices.
I do voices, just
They're not right.
That's 'cause you don't
commit to the role.
I think you should go back
to the shop tonight.
I wasn't sold on you coming
back and I think we rushed it.
That's that test talking.
No, it's me talking.
You're just You're too
much drama right now.
I mean, maybe we could try
again in a month or so.
I got a different idea.
Get the light, baby.
Get your ass out that bed!
These are our good sheets!
Dad, are you coming?
Your daughter wants you.
- What's the matter with you?
- Nothing, all right?
You win. You win the separation.
Win? I didn't even ask
for no separation.
You put me in the basement!
Well, it worked out for you.
Because now they're against me.
Ain't nobody against you.
You think I don't see you?
Huh? You think I don't
see you with the kids?
What? Grocery shopping? Playing games?
Asking about their lives?
Mmm. So you admit it.
Admit
No. Not gonna do this. Nope.
You're not suckering me in.
You don't have any idea how
shitty it is to get yelled at
by a woman who don't
want you to improve.
Oh, this about to be that
premium Bennie bullshit.
I told you I was going
to make it different.
I made it different,
and you can't handle it.
Oh, baby, I would love
for it to be different.
If it was for the right reasons.
No. Because if I come correct,
you have nobody to blame for
your life but you, sweetheart.
You need me to be a mess.
- Get out.
- I'm getting out!
I'm gone!
And not to never come back!
Look, I don't even deserve this shit!
You don't even appreciate
what I'm doing!
I would appreciate it
if you got the hell out!
I don't even know why I let you back in.
'Cause you a mess, too.
And we the only people
that we can be with.
Who says I wanna be with you?
Then why we 'bout to have sex?
I'm on top!
- Daddy!
- Daddy's asleep!
Go to bed!
Oh, yeah, Gina. I'm on it!
You still feelin' it from last night.
You got that aftershock.
No. The answers, they're clicking.
Mmm.
Ask me how many widgets. 231.
Oh. Sexy.
You on top of me and that GMAT.
I guess I just needed a
little something to relax.
Watch that "little" stuff.
Right, that's enough now.
I have to get ready.
I'm about to put my foot
all up in this test.
I failed.
Didn't you hear her? Stop pouring.
It was already open. You want
me to wait for it to go flat?
I'm just gonna get rid of this.
Mom, are you okay?
We were super quiet so you could study.
I know, thank you. It's not your fault.
Maybe you're just a bad student.
You can blame me, it's fine.
Cheers to that.
No, Bennie.
It's not your fault. It's nobody's
fault, all right? It's life.
It happens.
But you know what?
I'm gonna take it again.
And again, and again, until I pass it.
Just gonna keep this for next time.
Don't you gotta pay every time?
I'm with you, though.
Gotta say, you have a really
good attitude about it.
You been in my pills?
No.
No, I just
It took me a minute to get here.
When I was driving home,
I started thinking about
who was waiting for me.
And I realized
Damn, Cretia, I'm talking.
Put that down!
I know the last few weeks
have been crazy.
But this right here is what's important.
As long as we got each other's backs,
can't nobody touch the Upshaws.
Baby, you know I got your back.
Your fronts, your sides.
Your bottom, your edges.
Is this where Bennie Upshaw lives?
Um, who's asking?
His daughter.
Nigga, really?