The Venture Bros (2003) s01e10 Episode Script

Well, if it isn't the late
Dr. Thaddeus Venture.
I'm glad you're still
hanging around.
I wanted to thank you for finding
Grover Cleveland's
presidential time machine for me.
I'll give him your regards.
Take your time, Monarch.
'Cause the minute you finish
your little speech, I'm gonna kill you.
What are you, Obi-Wan Kenobi?
Just look at you schmucks!
I don't think I'm the one in danger here.
Considering the sad fact
that right below you
flows the mighty Amazon
teeming with the most
gruesome fish to ever
- The piranha!
- No!
- The shark?
- No!
- The piranha?
- No!
And shut up.
This isn't a quiz.
Now, where was I? Right.
The dreaded candiru,
a naughty little fish
with a penchant for
swimming up a man's urethra
to feed on the damaged tissue
of the pitiful mass of flesh
you once called your penis!
That is a total myth!
There is no such fish.
- Is too!
- No, there isn't!
- Time-out!
- What?
Time-out!
I'm really hurt!
This isn't freeze tag.
You can't do that!
I'm serious.
I really feel sick!
Don't even think about ralphing on me.
Where are you hurt, boy?
I don't want to say.
- Oh, great.
- Dean?
My no-nos hurt.
What the hell are no-nos?
That's the super adult term
my teenage sons use
to refer to their genitals
in public
in front of their father.
Well, duh! You all should be feeling
the sting in your nethers
for in seconds, the dreaded candiru
will seek out the tiny
The kid's really hurt. Let him go.
Why?
I'm about to kill all of you anyway.
What's the point, really?
Because you have to!
In 1969, the Guild of Calamitous Intent
enacted an addendum to article 47
of the Unusual Torture Act.
So let's cut the monkey business.
- Go, Dad!
- Yes, go, Dad.
And what's more,
you arrogant little trouble-maker
you have to let us all go.
How the hell do you know that?
Check it out for yourself.
Maybe I will.
You don't know when to stop
with all this, do you?
You just keep pushing my buttons!
You're my arch enemy!
That's what I do!
That's my thing!
All right, fine.
I have a Guild of
Calamitous Intent handbook
in my glove compartment.
I'll be right back.
Don't go anywhere.
Well, I think that's settled then.
We meet back here in two days.
I keep the big one as collateral.
But what if Dean dies before then?
Then I kill this guy.
The Guild of Calamitous Intent
which, incidentally, I only joined
to get the full-dental
and partial health package
has this pretty cut and dry.
I have to kill him.
Those are my orders.
I'm not even going with you.
What do you mean
you're not going with me?
I'm a bodyguard.
You have your orders, and I got mine.
OK, then, guard him!
No way!
The addendum to
the Unusual Torture Act
is also called Rusty's law.
They used to call my dad Rusty.
How do you think your father
knew everything about it?
Because he's a genius super scientist.
I like to dream, too, Hank.
But face it, your grandfather
really did a number on your old man.
God, what a pro!
I wish I was old enough
to hate him when he was alive!
Now, that was an arch enemy!
I never met my grandfather.
I never even met my Mom.
Hank, what would you say
if I told you that your mother
- was someone you've met before?
- What?
And what if I told you that your father
is not your real father?
Hank!
Hank!
I am your real father!
No way. No way!
That's not true!
Psyche! Ha, sucker!
You were all, "Oh, Daddy,
you're my Daddy!"
You are so gullible.
What is that like?
Hey, can I have your pudding?
Um, no. I'm so saving that.
You really have to hold that
so close to my face?
I mean, where am I gonna go?
Yeah, dude, ease up on him.
It's not like that's loaded or anything.
Aw, what are you?
Some sort of an imbecile?
Why would you even do that?
Did you lift anything heavy?
I told you, it's not a hernia!
Were you rough-housing
with your brother?
No.
Oh, dear God.
You two haven't been experimenting
with inappropriate touching?
No! Gross!
I know you've been seeing a lot
of that little tramp who lives next door.
Lord knows what kinds of
diseases that hussy carries.
It's getting worse!
Dean, I don't want you hanging around
with Triana Orpheus anymore.
I don't approve of the way she dresses.
Girls like that are usually on the dope.
Dean, have you been
shooting dope into your scrotum?
You can tell me! I'm hip!
Dad, why are you doing this?
I don't know what I did!
Suddenly it just felt like someone
kicked me in the rocks
and they never took their foot away!
All right, Dean, you're gonna
have to pull down your pants.
I have to palpate the region.
Please, Dad, please, please,
please don't feel me up!
I'm going to palpate, Dean.
This isn't any fun for me, either.
Do you want me to get H.E.L.P.eR. To do it?
Is that better for you?
A doddering old robot
with cold, steel claws.
Is that what you want?
I want a doctor!
Are you gonna get the phone or what?
What is wrong with you?
Why don't you ever flush?
It's like a bucket full
of payday bars in there.
Come on, fella,
you're blocking the screen!
Is it so hard to pull a handle?
Oh, now, where could
I have heard this before?
Could it be I read it, like
about a thousand times
in those passive/aggressive Post-its
you put all over the camper?
Those aren't passive/aggressive.
They're informative.
Are you going to get the phone or not?
Can't.
I'm apparently doing a drive-by mission
for the yardies over here.
Conjectural Technologies.
Master Billy, boy genius, speaking.
Billy, you gotta do it.
How can we make your tomorrow better?
Well, l
I guess it's theoretically possible.
Billy, if you push the start button
- you can see my stats!
- Yeah, uh-huh. Sure.
I am awesome!
OK, sure.
But then there is my rather steep fee.
OK, then. All right.
Bye-bye.
"Bye-bye"?
Well, he said it first.
It just slipped out.
Well? Do we have a job?
Brace yourself.
That was Dr. Venture.
Get out!
I will not.
And there's more.
It seems that
his son has a mysterious malady
and he needs the help of
Conjectural Technologies.
Way to go, Billy.
Did you tell him that you needed
the aid of a certain computer technician?
You're in.
Did you ask for some extra cash
to refuel the helicopter?
We don't have a helicopter.
Venture doesn't know that.
High five!
I don't think so.
Man, this is the coolest book ever.
There's a guy in here
who guards his headquarters
with robot cheetahs!
Oh, yeah.
The Zoocreeper.
Oh, hey, am I in there?
Uh nope.
"M" for Monarch.
Try "T" for "The Monarch!"
Nothing.
So where are we going?
Towards the blinking light.
We fly by radar alone.
The location of my flying cocoon
is highly secretive.
Even I don't know its whereabouts.
It may well be floating over the moon!
- Really?
- Maybe.
Or even deep below the earth's crust.
Hey! It's the Grand Canyon.
Or it might be in the Grand Canyon,
hovering where everyone can see it.
Sure. Yeah.
Wouldn't rule that out.
Plausible.
Surprise!
Crap! An ambush!
My bad. Sorry, everybody.
Sorry. My bad.
Now, before you tell me what
a jolly good fellow I am
there are some people who
I would like you to meet.
Someone got him Brock Samson?
Now I feel like a tool.
What'd you get him?
I made him coupons for one free washing
of the Monarch-mobile
and one free back rub.
Aren't those your jobs anyway?
Yeah, but these are coupons.
All right, now
let's see what all this fuss is about.
Dean, you wanted a doctor,
and Billy is one of the best.
Now drop those pants, mister.
Actually, this is more of a job
for a urologist.
Billy is more of a neurogeneticist.
Yeah, but this kind of thing
should be a walk in the park.
A walk through a park
with genitals for trees.
And hair for grass.
Oh, I'm sure that put him at ease.
You two might want to work
on your bedside manner.
Dr. Girlfriend
I'm coming in with some cake,
and a little surprise for you.
Come in, sweetie!
I have a little surprise for you, too.
For he's a sexy good fellow
Oh, sweet mercy!
Dr. Girlfriend!
Won't you come over here
with me for a moment?
Oh, I guess
the muscular one is all right
but the boy is just going too far.
Can't we just use the puppet again?
No, no. Sweetie!
This is Brock Samson and Hank Venture.
I captured them.
- Did not!
- Did too!
I think you better give us
a place to bed down.
Kid here gets kind of wiggy
if he doesn't get enough sleep.
Of course.
I treat my captives as kings.
You'll be given
the grandest of accommodations.
It will be a far cry from sleeping
over Dr. Venture's garage
like so much Fonzie.
Hey, you put me in a stinky old jail cell
last time I was here.
You broke my heart, Hank.
Come on, there, fella,
you could have a real problem.
With your lifestyle, who knows?
Could be an implant or a space virus
A parasite.
Sure. Parasite,
growing larger by the minute.
It probably wants to eat your brain.
OK, OK! But I don't want you to look.
Fine. I'll go behind the screen.
All right.
Let's see 'em.
I don't want to show my junk
to a little boy.
Oh, come on!
You said you wouldn't look!
I'm not looking!
Billy, 'fess up to the boy.
He's been pulling that boy genius crap
for at least the twenty years
that I've known him.
Well, nobody's really that impressed
with Master Billy Quizboy, adult genius.
Like a speech impediment
and growth hormone deficiency
qualifies you as a boy genius.
Don't forget the huge head.
I copped to it.
Now you guys are just
ganging up on me.
Could we just do this, please?
Holy mackerel!
I am not prepared to rule out
the parasite hypothesis.
The boss is wicked excited
that you're here to celebrate his birthday.
What'd you guys get him?
Well, I have a Razzle in my pocket.
I could give him that.
First it's a candy, then it's a gum.
So that's like two gifts.
You have no idea
why we're here, do you?
Big birthday bash, what else?
Yeah. That's it.
Well, it doesn't look like
the Monarch needs anything.
He's got a flying cocoon
sharp henchmen
in peak physical condition.
He's got it all.
Morning, sleepyheads.
Heh, wish I had your life,
sleeping all day.
So, I trust you found
the lodging provided to be agreeable?
I had to sleep in my clothes.
Now I feel gross wearing
them two days in a row.
You're kidding me, right?
That's the only outfit
I've ever seen you in.
Well, it doesn't mean I never wash it.
Fair enough.
Number Twenty-Seven!
Get the kid a change of clothes.
How about you?
You OK?
I didn't sleep in my clothes.
Twenty-Seven!
Burn his sheets!
Gentlemen, welcome to the heart
of the Monarch's lair
the living nerve center
of my ominous body.
This is where it all happens.
Relax
and enjoy the show.
Are you going past the fridge?
Can you get me a Fresca?
Well, what do we usually do?
You make some "I'm gonna
get Dr. Venture" speech
and then, you know.
Well, we can't do that.
Man, this is sad.
Crap, you scared me!
Don't you have nothing else to do
but harp on Dr. Venture?
Why haven't you tried
the world domination thing?
You afraid of the big leagues?
Please, how stupid do I look to you?
World domination.
I'll leave that to the religious nuts
and the Republicans, thank you.
But I wouldn't be so quick to judge.
The Monarch has his hands
in many sinister soups.
It's just an off day.
I thought my birthdays were lame.
Well, the good news is
you don't have a parasite.
The bad news is that
you have a condition
known as acute testicular torsion.
- What does that mean?
- Well, in a nutshell no pun intended
your balls pulled a one-eighty.
In a way, you're kind of lucky.
It only happens to one in four thousand.
It's like you won the genetic freak lottery.
I blame myself.
Oh, there's nothing you could have done.
I could have fixed this
in the prototype phase.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
Raising a son is an experiment
no scientist is prepared for.
That's beautiful, Billy.
Thanks. I just came up with that.
Come on! They have one female
servicing a large group of males.
That implies a species that lays eggs.
Oh, my God, you're crazy.
They are so obviously mammals!
Please! She'd be in estrus
24/7 if she didn't lay eggs.
Smurfs don't lay eggs!
I won't tell you this again.
Papa Smurf has
a [bleep]-ing beard.
They're mammals!
Well, what happens now?
We have a couple of options here.
We can do nothing.
It'll probably keep swelling
and let me tell you
that beach ball
you're packing down there
can't afford that.
Or I could perform orchiopexy.
That means he wants
to operate on you
and you know, tie it down.
No way! He's not gonna operate on me!
Dad, can't you fix this!
Aren't you a doctor?
Make it go away! Please!
Take it easy, Dean.
Well, what happens if we wait?
That's not so good.
My guess is that in a couple of hours
your son's testes
are going to die, then atrophy.
Think raisins. Or better yet
you know when you're eating peanuts
and you crack one open
and the little nut is all dark
and crammed into one corner
You're finished, right?
As for untwisting them,
I don't know which way they spun.
Unless you're that guy from INX S
and that's, like, your thing
the pain would be excruciating.
All right!
Let's just get this over with.
Nurse, prep the patient
and shave the region.
Nurse? You said
I was your technician.
Do you have to shave it?
I just grew those.
Distress call from cellblock "C."
Excellent!
Put it up on the big screen!
I want the captives to see it.
Where's the big guy?
He's gonna miss this.
Boss, there's a monster down here!
I think it was two ninjas taped together
to make one giant ninja.
I saw it climb the wall.
It was a giant spider!
See? Now we're talking here, huh?
Giant spider in the cocoon.
Where's Samson?
I can't believe he's not here to see this.
All right, what happened?
And one at a time.
We're standing here talking, right?
Then suddenly something
cuts number Forty-Three's tendon.
It was horrible.
Oh, his calf muscle rolled up
like a window shade!
He just kept screaming till he passed out.
Party's over, Monarch.
It's time I shut down
this little tree fort of yours.
Brock Samson.
I had a hunch you were behind this.
Your arrogance will be your undoing.
I will get you, Brock Samson!
Numbers Eighteen, Thirty-Eight,
Forty, and Thirty-One
Secure the prison level.
Engineering, I want
a steady stream of cyanide
pumped into the vents
of section one through four.
Move!
Oh, and Brock?
- What?
- Thank you.
No, please, no! No!
Release the butterflies!
OK.
Whose job was it
to feed the butterflies?
Way to go, Billy.
Nice job.
And that knot you tied,
what is that, a sheep shank?
Yeah, it's my signature.
It sure makes a statement.
High five.
Come on, would you
stop with that? Really.
Brock is totally wailing on you guys.
The screen says you just lost another unit.
Nonsense!
He's in my world now.
The cocoon's internal defense system
was designed by a genius
me!
We're merely toying with him,
drawing him out.
Let him take as many pawns as he needs!
Hey!
- Hey what?
- Can I try that on?
It's all pinned to the cowl.
Kind of a pain in the ass to get back on.
You scream, I'll break your neck.
You understand me?
You're going to take advantage
of me, aren't you?
Well, be quick with it.
To be honest with you,
I never really considered that.
Why not?
Just didn't.
Well, I'm not gonna beg.
What happened to my underwear?
You can't wear underpants
until we remove the dressing, sweetie.
What's going on?
What are all those people doing here?
I thought you might
need some cheering up!
I've brought you a Zuni fetish doll
for being such a brave little trooper.
I do hope you don't
already have one.
You're good as new,
maybe even better.
I hooked you up with
the complete package
if you know what I mean.
I don't.
A warm freezer pop.
How thoughtful.
I saved these for you.
I was gonna tape them
in a scrapbook, but here.
They're your pubic hairs.
Thanks I guess.
Hey, Triana.
Kiss him.
That would be so cute.
Aw, sweet.
So tell me, is this the most
humiliating moment of your life, or what?
Easily.
Let the girlfriend go!
It's me you want.
Give me the boy, Monarch.
The boy's with me now.
He has tasted the fruits
of supervillainy
and found them sweet.
- No, I haven't.
- OK, fine!
Give me the girl
or your precious Hank Venture dies!
Monarch, we have transmission
from the Venture compound.
It's your father!
Everybody scramble!
Uh, act like nothing happened.
Hold that transmission.
Get these corpses out of here!
- Hello. Come in, Monarch.
- Go, go, go!
This is Dr. Thaddeus Venture.
What is your status? Over.
- And who may I say is calling?
- Down, down!
You know damn well who I am.
I just said this is
Dr. Thaddeus Venture.
Now put the Monarch on.
Yes! This is the Monarch.
Everything is super great
and normal here.
- What are you talking about?
- Has your son died yet?
Or was he faking it?
No, he had a legitimate
medical condition
and that's been solved.
My testicles spun around.
Hey, Hank. I had emergency surgery.
Dean, Daddy's talking now.
I'm ready to finish this
business with you now
so if we what?
Is that blood all over you?
What's going on over there?
Oh, this?
This is jelly.
We were just enjoying a gift pack
of assorted jams and preserves.
Yummy!
Brock! Hank!
Everything is fine, Doc.
- We just had a little
- Party!
- We had a birthday party.
- Hey, Pop!
- Is that true, Hank?
- I guess. Hey, Dean!
Hank, I had my pubes shaved.
I'm gonna put them
under my pillow for the tooth fairy!
Did the doctor see
that creepy dog dork of yours?
Hank, don't brag to your brother
about your circumcision.
And what are you wearing?
It's the Monarch's crown!
We had a party.
Look, this is ridiculous.
I'm taking Dean
back to the Amazon
as per our arrangement.
Over and out!
Well, if it isn't the late
Dr. Thaddeus Venture
blah, blah, blah.
Come on, get to the end part.
I can't feel my hands.
Very well, Dr. Venture.
I, too, am anxious to see
you severely mangled
for below you swims the dreaded candiru,
a naughty little fish
with a penchant for
swimming up a man's urethra.
Come on, just do it.
Oh, you're real fun.
Cut the rope!
And let them feel the sting of the Monarch!
Time-out!
Go Team Venture!
Testicular torsion
isn't just something on TV.
It's a real problem.
Testicular torsion occurs only in males
usually under twenty-five years of age.
If you're experiencing
sharp pains in the scrotum
swelling in one or both testes,
or even blood in your semen
your genitals are most likely dying.
That's right, Doc.
So if you want to keep them,
you need to seek medical attention
as soon as you experience pain,
like Hank and Dean here did.
So don't be a jackass.
Go see a doctor.
If you want to keep your testicles healthy,
remember these three words:
Stop
Touch
And tell.
To find out more about testicular torsion,
you can look in special medical books.
Or on the interweb.