8 Simple Rules (2002) s01e11 Episode Script

- [Rory] Hey, Dad.
- Down here.
Is it OK if I go skateboarding
with some friends?
They drained the pool at the rec center,
makes an awesome half-pipe.
Sure, just be back by
Before your mother gets mad at me.
- Hey, honey.
- Hey.
I appreciate you doing
Thanksgiving shopping.
- Yeah.
- Hey, where'd Rory go?
He went skateboarding
with some friends.
Did he bring his kneepads, helmet,
mouthpiece and wrist guards?
Yeah.
More kids come into that emergency
room and they forgot their
- Uh, where are the eggs?
- Ooh, eggs.
How could you forget?
I put 'em on the list.
Ooh, list, you know, I
Here, I forgot the list, actually,
but I figured if I walked around the
store I'd remember the important things.
Like a nutcracker?
No, that was by the cashier
and I remembered
that you wanted walnuts
for your Waldorf Salad.
- So did you pick up the walnuts?
- Ooh, walnuts.
I am not gonna get mad today.
We just have too much
to be thankful for this year.
Yeah. Like your parents
are staying in Sarasota.
Paul. Yeah, you got me there.
Wait a minute. I'm bored.
You wanna have some fun?
Yeah.
Why'd you do that?
Let's make my Dad think
we were fooling around.
I don't wanna have fun.
I don't wanna have fun.
Wait. Wait.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What happened to the
"no boys upstairs" rule?
- Oh, I waived it for Jason.
- Cate, did you know about this?
Oh, relax.
They were only up there a minute.
What can happen in a minute?
[laughs, then coughs]
Kerry, you know the rules.
No boys upstairs.
God, it's freezing in that basement.
Hey, Kerry, Jason.
Hey, guys.
Um, Jason, do you know Kyle?
Yeah. I think you shoved me
into a locker once.
Oh yeah. What up?
What is going on in this house?
What were you two
doing in the basement?
Relax, Papa H,
we were playing Ping-Pong.
We got rid of the Ping-Pong table
a month ago.
Oh, well it was hard to see
with the lights off.
Why are you getting all bent?
The rule is no boys upstairs.
We were in the basement,
which, look it up, is downstairs.
Ipso facto, no rule breakage.
I need lip gloss.
OK, Bridget,
you've raised a valid point.
So this is the new rule.
No boys upstairs, downstairs
- Dad, wait!
anywhere until after the holidays,
which includes Christmas,
New Years, Fourth of July,
and for good measure,
Ground Hog Day.
Can they come for Thanksgiving dinner?
I applaud that you
would even ask me that. No.
OK, Daddy.
Can they come Thursday?
- Morning.
- Morning.
Isn't that the sweater
I got you two Christmases ago?
Uh-huh, I like it now.
Oh. Uh, could you give me the tank top
in your backpack.
OK, you.
You got me.
- Now give me the other one.
- Oh, God, that is so unfair.
Oh, get down here.
And don't take off that sweater.
I cannot go to school in this.
It's a grandma sweater.
- I thought it was really cute?
- Yeah, on someone named Nana.
I am not in the mood for this today.
Your dad had me up half the night.
[both] Eww.
Tossing and turning.
[both] Eww!
- He couldn't sleep!
- Oh!
If you guys are smart,
you'll be nice to your dad today.
- There's a lot going on at work.
- Hey, we're always nice.
Dad's the problem. He won't let our
boyfriends come for Thanksgiving dinner.
He's the one who says we should
feed the homeless. We don't know them.
- Morning.
- Hey, honey.
So you ready for your breakfast meeting
with your new editor?
If by ready you mean panic stricken
with writer's block, I'm ready.
Aw, good for you.
- You don't listen to me, do you?
- Oh, love you, too.
Come on, girls.
You don't wanna be late for school.
I gotta have a good day today.
That's a cute sweater, Beach.
Nana has one just like it.
Cate, he never showed. Some newspaper
editor; can't even make a deadline.
I waited 45 minutes for the big jerk.
- Paul Hennessy?
- Yeah.
- Nick Sharpe. Big Jerk.
- Don't call him that, honey.
It's all right, I am, and I am so sorry
for missing breakfast.
- Family emergency.
- Everything OK?
Oh, fine, fine.
Everything's fine.
It's just
God, you got no idea what it's like
being the father of teenage girls.
[chuckling]
And Jenna, who I caught sneaking out
to get her belly button pierced at
The Navel Station?
- That's the one.
For 20 bucks a month, Vinnie,
the manager, will call you
- anytime one of them comes in.
- Outstanding.
I gave up being a foreign correspondent
to spend more time with them.
But sometimes,
I miss the serenity of Baghdad.
I gave up sports writing
for the same reason.
Don't get me wrong.
I love my girls, dearly.
- How many?
- Four.
Four? I only have two,
although it seems like four.
That means you'd have eight.
Cate, Cate, look what I found
out in our yard.
- Put them down!
- Dad, you're hurting Jason!
I told you, if you feed them,
you'll never get rid of them.
Bye-bye now.
Uh, is that why you brought 'em in,
so you could kick 'em out?
Uh, yeah.
If this is what happens when I
bring a boyfriend over to our house,
I'm just gonna find ways
of seeing them behind your back.
[laughs] Yeah.
I should start doing that too.
So, she said, pretending she lived
in a normal house, how was your day?
It was great. Nick and I spent
lunch at an indoor driving range.
- Oh, did you pick up the walnuts?
- Ooh, walnuts.
- This is the worst day of my life.
- Rory, what happened?
We were having a great time
skating.
Were we wearing our helmet, kneepads,
wrist guards, and mouthpiece?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
And after, we went to this girl's house
and her dad came home and went psycho.
What do you mean psycho?
He was screaming and calling me names
like, "You little punk."
Then he grabbed me by my shirt.
- What?
- He put his hands on you?
- I'll kill him!
- Easy, girl.
And the worst part is, I left my
skateboard and I'm afraid to go back.
The nerve of that guy.
What did you do?
Nothing. He just went nuts.
He's a psycho dad.
He messed with the wrong Hennessy.
I got half a mind to
punch his lights out. I'm going.
- Get him, Dad.
- And you're going with me.
I got a lot of homework.
Rory!
Looks like nobody's home.
Let's go.
No, wait, I know you're afraid, Rory,
but this guy has gotta apologize to you.
Nobody treats you like that.
Oh, hey, Paul, what are you, uh?
You!
Hit him, Dad!
This puts me in an awkward position
of being a concerned parent, a friend
- My employee.
- Employee, yes.
- Can I have my skateboard back?
- Timing, Rory.
Skateboard? I don't know
about any skateboard that you
or any boy that I catch
with my daughters leaves over here.
I also don't know anything
about a scooter, a couple of bicycles,
a '98 Honda 750 mint condition.
- Daddy, can I go to the mall?
- No, Jenna, you're grounded.
- For what?
- For going to the mall.
That was Amanda's fault.
She had to go to the mall
to buy Melanie a present,
like that's gonna make up
for leaving play rehearsal with Tyler.
Yeah, right, Amanda.
Sweetheart, can we
talk about this later?
[scoffs] You never listen to me! God!
- Sorry about that.
- No problem. It's like Muzak.
Anyway, so Rory came home
very upset because some father,
apparently you, uh, threw him
out of the house for no reason.
No reason?
How about I walk into my kitchen,
find your son kissing my baby girl.
- You left that part out.
- Oh. Yeah.
I'm sorry it was your kid, Paul.
But my experience tells me
that all boys are after one thing.
Their skateboards.
- Michelle, are you?
- I hate you.
Michelle. My oldest.
Pretty.
So, Rory, is it true,
what Mr. Sharpe said?
- Yeah, but
- I can't believe you lied to me.
- Dad.
- Not a word until we get home.
- [girl] Dad!
- [Paul and Nick] What?
Sorry.
Tell Michelle to stop
using my hairbrush.
I don't want her disgusting dye in it.
Michelle dyes her hair?
No, Dad. That shade of brass
runs in the family.
This is getting eerie.
Well, happy Thanksgiving, everybody.
This is a little out of the moment,
but what do walnuts mean to you?
Oh, my God, walnuts.
- Dad, this is totally unfair!
- I don't wanna hear it.
You didn't hear my side.
- What is going on?
- Dad's mad at the boy for a change.
Kerry, knock it off. Although
I should get a camera. Paul?
- Get him, Ground him.
- Tell him you didn't teach him
- to act like this!
- Make him put on a different top!
Bridget, Kerry, not now.
This isn't cute.
Rory was caught kissing
my boss' daughter.
I am having the best day ever.
I didn't kiss her, she kissed me.
- [both] Eww!
- I didn't even like it.
- I told you.
- I knew it.
Girls! All right, Rory,
tell me what really happened.
Well, Katy and I were just talking and
out of nowhere, she plants one on me.
My mouth was full of cocoa.
I burnt my tongue.
Then Mr. Sharpe walked in
and went crazy,
screamed at me,
and threw me out of the house.
So I guess Nick jumped to conclusions
and so did I. Rory, I'm really sorry.
Thanks, Dad,
but he still has my skateboard.
Maybe I can ride your apology
over to his house and get it.
You know, I can't believe that Nick.
After Thanksgiving, I am going over
to give him a piece of my mind.
What kind of man
would do something like that?
What? Cate?
Officer down, need backup.
Kyle can't hold my hand without you
thinking that he's a sex maniac.
God forbid Jason puts his arm around me,
you've got me pregnant and dropping out.
- Which would never happen.
- Of course not.
Kerry's so smart she could graduate
high school if she had two babies.
It's no wonder you and Nick are
so close. You're both psycho dads.
Don't compare me to him. Nick judged
Rory without even knowing him. Cate?
Are you even listening to yourself?
When have you ever taken the time
to get to know any of the boys
Kerry and Bridget
have brought over here?
Oh, I know them.
I get inside their heads.
I know what they're gonna do
before they do.
This isn't helping your
psycho dad defense.
Trust me, it [stammers]
It's completely different.
No, it isn't. It's exactly the same
as what Nick did to Rory.
- Yeah, Dad, Mom's right.
- You hurt our little brother.
- Oh God, I am a
- Say it.
psycho dad.
Cool. Say it again.
Good morning,
Happy Thanksgiving, everybody.
[mock coughing] Psycho dad.
Uh, remember our discussion about
having guests over on Thanksgiving?
Oh, happy Turkey Day, Papa H.
You can call him Papa H, too.
I know, I know, I'm just
waiting for the right moment.
We decided to help you
by inviting Kyle and Jason over
so you can get that chance
to know them better.
Well, you know,
I was just kinda thinking
that I'd get to know the lads
over time.
That time being after Thanksgiving.
[mock coughing] Psycho dad.
Beach, Care Bear, you know, we always
do pancakes and parade in our PJs.
You know, only stuff
that starts with P.
Like puh-psycho dad?
Don't worry, we can leave, Papa H.
See, it just sounds stupid
coming from me.
Look, I'm flexible.
Adopt, adapt, improve.
Sherlock Holmes. Never mind.
OK, since you guys are both here,
maybe we can use this chance
to get to know each other better.
- So, Kyle, how's school this semester?
- Pass.
- You can't pass on the question.
- I'm not good at school.
- Maybe the next one's about sports.
- [Paul] OK.
What's up, Jason? Do you do sports?
Can I have the school question, sir?
It's come to my attention that I've been
a little rough on you guys
and from the bottom of my heart,
I'm sorry.
So, Daddy, can our boyfriends
stay for Thanksgiving dinner?
Sure.
Hey, you can't imagine the fun I had
shopping on Thanksgiving morning.
I almost lost a hand in the nut bin.
This is enough for a family of five.
- Uh, Cate.
- Oh, and the boys are over.
Well, good for you.
- And they're staying for dinner.
- [chuckles] And
you're going back to the store.
Did you get the whipped cream
for the pumpkin pie?
Uh, yeah.
Did you get the pie?
None of your business.
Uh, I need help setting the dining room
table. Where'd the girls go?
- I thought I saw them go upstairs.
- OK.
Into their bedroom, with
Jason and Kyle, could be mistaken.
Bridget, Kerry, everybody downstairs.
So you wait until they're in their
bedroom before you rat them out?
Yeah.
- What?
- Get down here. I I missed you.
All right, guys, you can use those busy
hands to help me set the table.
[doorbell rings]
- Hi, Paul.
- Nick.
So, love your column for Monday.
I haven't written it yet.
Well, I've got a feeling
it's gonna be a good one.
What's this really about, Nick Sharpe?
I, uh, I thought
I'd return Rory's skateboard.
Hey, buddy.
This isn't my skateboard.
My skateboard's all beat up and
Yeah, this one's mine. Thanks.
- Well, that was very nice of you.
- Not really, I need to apologize.
I found out that Katy was the one
who initiated the kiss.
Katy, my, um baby.
Well, at least your baby
was honest with you.
- No, her sister ratted her out.
- Of course.
I really appreciate you coming by.
My baby.
Hey, are we OK?
'Cause, you know, with the girls,
I don't get out much,
so I think you're my best friend.
We're good.
OK, good.
All right, I gotta be going.
Could I see what a boy's room
looks like?
Thanksgiving.
Some other time.
- OK.
- You know what, though.
You don't really want to go home,
do you, Nick?
Not really.
We fathers,
we need to support each other.
I've practically become this
- Psycho dad.
- You're the psycho dad.
- Sorry. I'm a little sensitive.
- No.
That's what my girls call me.
You can't let your girls get to you.
It's just every time I give my
girls an inch they take a mile.
[Kerry] Go on, Jason, sit at the head
of the table in my dad's chair.
Go on. Sit in my dad's chair.
Well, maybe your girls are different.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Yeah, right.
- Uh, where do you think you're going?
- To play Ping-Pong.
No. Everybody! Come here, I have an
announcement. Kerry, Jason, right here.
You know how you two girls have
helped me open my heart
and welcome others into my home?
Well, it didn't take.
You and you, out!
- What?
- You can't do that.
That which was done is now undone.
The king is taking back his castle.
Uh, Sire, prithee a word?
The girls are walking all over me.
Honey, you cannot invite those boys
and then uninvite them at your whim.
The girls will think
Think what?
That I'm some sort of
- A psycho dad!
- You're the psycho dad.
No, I'm sorry.
Paul, those boys are somebody's Rory.
What happened to
getting to know them a little better?
Fine. I'll get to know them better
before I toss 'em.
I'll start with Jason.
Jason, come here.
Can't you start with Kyle?
Look, Jason, how come you're not with
your family on Thanksgiving anyway?
Well, Thanksgiving weekend's
a really big deer-hunting weekend.
My dad and my brother always bring home
these bucks and I'm not really into it.
I'd kinda rather not be there.
Oh. Well, OK, Jason can stay for dinner.
Thank you, Daddy.
All right, let's eat, dear.
No, no, I meant turkey,
I meant let's eat turkey, dear.
Not
not Bambi.
OK, let's eat.
Dad, Dad, you forgot Kyle.
Thank you, Rory.
OK, Kyle, I guess to be fair, why aren't
you with your family Thanksgiving?
Because, well, because my family
never has Thanksgiving dinner.
Never?
- Well, it is an overrated holiday.
- Paul!
All right, no, wait, OK,
Kyle can stay for dinner.
But, Kyle, son, I've known
your dad for years and years,
I can't believe you guys
don't have Thanksgiving dinner.
I know. My mom usually serves the turkey
around 2:00. It's more like lunch.
[doorbell rings]
I'm gonna go get that.
- Thank you, Daddy.
- Yes, thank you.
- You are so not a psycho dad.
- Do I detect gratitude?
What do you know,
and on Thanksgiving yet.
You know what I'm thankful for?
[Cate] Mom! Dad!
What are you doing here?
- Nana.
- Grandpa.
Presents!
This is a masterpiece
of form meeting function.
It weighs only six ounces, yet has
the crushing power of a Bengal tiger.
[Cate] Paul, come look at the pictures
of Mom and Dad's new condo in Sarasota.
Don't leave.
The boys are in the middle of a story.
Guess how much I paid for this baby.
Go on, guess.
Ballpark figure.
Take a crack at it?