AfterMASH (1983) s01e11 Episode Script

1
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What to wear?
What to wear?
I guess that's what happens when you're a
clothes horse.
Honey, it's only volunteer work.
I want to make a good impression.
You can make too good an impression.
And the guys at the hospital, believe me,
they're very impressionable.
I'm sure they're all gentlemen.
Forget they're gentlemen.
Forget they're men.
They're extra patients.
That's why we need you.
Extra patients mean extra hands.
And the more I think about this out loud,
the less I like it.
Look, uh, honey, why do you want to be on
your feet all day?
Why not take it easy and stay home?
Take it easy?
At home, all I do is clean this place,
scrub the floor.
Yeah, but that's on your hands and knees,
not on your feet.
Ah, you're jealous.
These guys have very little exposure to
women.
Then they can expose themselves to me.
Remember what you wore the first time I
met you?
That ragged old dress, all dirty,
my shoes were socks, yuck.
Do you still have that outfit?
No.
All right, fellas, line up here.
Come on, now, picture time.
Let's put the bigger fellas on each end.
That'll give us a nice pipe organ look.
Now, there's an artist at work.
Let's shake it, guys.
This turns out we'll send it to Hollywood.
Yeah!
All right, hold it now.
And don't you shorter people try to look
any taller.
One.
Malfa Francis.
Two.
Three.
Yes.
Thank you.
I'll take half a dozen.
Bill it to a county.
Morning, all you ex-heroes.
I am, of course, a man who needs no
introduction.
Mike D'Angelo, administrator of your VA
hospital.
And it befalls me to welcome all you
bladder patients to your yearly annual checkup.
For the next three days, we'll be behind
you for bladder or for worse.
Those who got it, explain it to the others.
I know you boys are anxious to settle in and
unpack your joy buzzers and whoopee cushions.
But first, I'd like to introduce the
playground supervisor, as it were,
our new chief of staff, Colonel Sherman
Potter.
Don't worry about being funny.
In my case, it just comes natural.
Thanks for taking the pressure off.
Man, you all know the routine.
We'll start by asking the usual questions.
We're looking for any changes since last
year.
Next, the physical exam, followed by the
dreaded probe through your privates, the cystoscopy.
Yes, we know that's no picnic.
But you can stand anything once a year,
as I often tell Mrs. Potter.
Then we'll keep you here for a day or two.
Just to make sure there are no infections.
We'll try to be gentle.
You try the same.
Thank you.
Bladders dismissed.
Morning, Colonel.
Sir.
Morning, Doctor, uh Pfeiffer with
a P. The P is silent, as in swimming.
I remember him.
I just forgot.
Question, Mike.
Love him.
Why all these post-op bladder checks at
the same time?
It puts a strain on the lab, on the staff?
Well, it is the hard way, but it is the
government way.
And the government way is the American
way.
And that's what each and every one of
these boys fought for.
Thank you, Mike.
That's even better than an answer.
Heck, those boys all look forward to this.
Gives them a chance to let their hair and
their pants down.
You know how many meetings I have today?
Forget them.
Half the time I send Alma Cox.
This will surprise you, Colonel.
People are just as happy to have her there
as me.
You need an Alma of your own.
Someone who knows what goes on,
makes a nice appearance.
My Alma's cleaner.
Try to attend as many meetings as you can.
Down the street.
Can it.
I've had to see.
Money in the morning too.
Oh, oh, oh.
Well, it's a bit loud, perhaps later when
you're all in the shower.
Not bad, but I'd like to drain the
adenoids on that tenor.
Here's a message from Chaplain Father
Mulcahy.
Oh, listen to this.
San Gennaro Festival will be celebrated
tomorrow in the day room.
There will be refreshments.
When you write it out, it doesn't seem
like anything.
But when it comes from the speaker,
Wow.
Ah, the VA.
A veritable feast of experiences for the
enthusiastic young medical.
How I envy you.
You can give it to me straight, sir.
30 cystoscopies and the work-ups.
You'll assist Dr. Lewis.
30 bladders?
I know.
When you've been up one, you've been up
them all.
Sir, as it is, I'm underpaid, overworked,
underfed, and overtired.
Understood.
When I was a resident, I wanted to kill
the doctor in charge who dumped everything
on me and then said, see you later,
see you later.
Did you have a minute, doctor?
If I had a minute, I'd become a lawyer.
You can always tell an Air Force vet.
That's right, encourage him.
You might want to fly one yourself,
Mr. Krause.
Your x-rays are negative.
Your back is fine.
Oh, yeah?
Then how come I can't move?
Does that X-ray feel what I'm feeling
right now?
Well, there's really no medical reason why you
Don't give me medical Who's inside this back?
Me?
Me or you?
Yeah, look.
Look all you want.
You can't take a picture of paint.
The hell do you know?
You're a kid.
Second team.
Rookie.
Oh, I understand, Mr. Krause.
You've been given some good news.
You need some time to yourself.
When you come back, I hope you're somebody
else.
I fed the kids dinner.
We had city chicken and cream corn.
We listened to the radio.
Then I put them to bed and gave them a
kiss for you all.
And now I'm through for the day.
It's the nights that are the longest.
Alone, wanting your arms around me,
your hands
not for doing.
Better gets better soon.
How's it going, Addie?
Oh, very good.
I bought shaving cream for Mr. Sims,
uh, pipe tobacco for that sailor over
there, and then I just read a dirty letter.
I knew I shouldn't have let you come here.
It's done.
Nothing to worry about.
Now I have to go give a man a bath.
What?
Just kidding, you silly goose.
Hey, Klinger.
Pete Sachs.
Where's the dress?
The high heels?
You're out of uniform.
Pete Sachs, son of a gun.
What are you doing here?
Go ahead, lady first.
I'm working with the colonel.
He set me up, Colonel Potter.
How about that?
Is there anybody from my old unit up here?
You're the first.
You're okay, aren't you?
Okay?
I'm terrific.
Ask my girlfriend.
Ask my other girlfriend.
Ask them both.
Ask my wife.
I just get a little work done on my leg,
that's all.
You know, this hospital has a touch football team, too,
just like over there, only not as exciting as Korea.
No landmines.
Oh, how we used to cream you guys,
huh?
Hey, there's a great game Saturday.
Mizzou's playing Oklahoma.
Wonderful.
We'll listen to it together.
Listen to it?
We can see it.
I'm wired into special services.
I'll swing some tickets, we'll smuggle you
out of here.
Just like Korea.
You need something, go see Klinger.
I could get anything in Korea, but out.
I'll let you know tomorrow about the
tickets, but the smart money says I get them.
Terrific.
By the weekend, my legs should be ready.
Good.
What do they got to do to your leg?
Try it on.
I like it snug.
Oh, you didn't know.
Two days before I was supposed to ship
out, I got a little going-away present.
Oh, Pete.
Hey, other than that, I came home in one
piece.
It's not too bad.
I only have to buy one shoe.
And you don't know how much easier it is
to dance now.
One, one, one, one, one, one.
Yeah.
Well, listen, I got a ton of paperwork to
finish.
I'll see you, okay?
50-yard line.
But I'll settle for the 40.
Colonel, what would you say is the
condition of this back?
Snap quiz, huh?
Yes, sir.
I was always pretty good at these.
Hmm.
Lumbo sacral area looks okay.
No evidence of spasm.
It's a trick, right?
This is a beagle I'm looking at.
Well, sort of.
It's Kraus.
Good.
Tell that loudmouth snark he's okay and
goodbye.
Not so easy.
He's yelling and screaming he's in agony.
First time I ever got my head chewed off
for bringing someone good news.
Could be you brought him the worst news he
could get.
Doctor?
There is a species called
Humanus malingurus, and they
want a clean bill of health
like Dracula wants a mirror.
Doesn't want to screw up his disability.
Along with the monthly checks and periodic
stays at the Persian Tropicana.
You just hand in your medical findings and
let the evaluation board decide on his disability.
And stay away from him.
That kind is trouble.
I've been around foot fungus that's more
pleasant.
Onward and downward.
Start your bladder interviews.
Over there.
Don't worry about it, Doc.
We'll narrow it down to three and have a
runoff.
Don't test me.
I can easily turn this into a prostate
exam.
There.
Over there.
Okay, Doc.
I'm yours.
All right.
In the last year, have you passed blood,
been fatigued, loss of appetite?
You're in good shape, Phelps.
Phelps.
Doc, I'm Mercer.
Then who's Phelps?
What do you mean I don't get lunch?
It's not on your chart, sir.
Oh, you need a prescription to get food
around here?
I don't make the rules.
Oh, I'm too busy.
Up to your elbows in bedpans,
I That's not called for, sir.
What's the problem here?
This patient wants lunch in bed.
He's not authorized.
What moron decided that?
I am the moron in question, sir.
You are able to get to the cafeteria for
your meals.
How?
On my hands and knees?
Well, that's usually how we return from
there.
These other guys are getting their lunch
in bed.
Hell, half of them never seen action.
That squatty one from Freebird fell over a
barbecue.
Mr. Krause, those men are not ambulatory.
They'd change places with you in a second.
Come on, it's a nice day.
Get a seat by the window.
Watch the cook's trap today's special.
I tell you, you're gonna love it.
Save it, Doc.
I'm not going to the cafeteria.
Then you're not eating.
You're gonna regret this.
Just one phone call and I'm cutting you
off at the knees.
Nice choice of words for a veteran's
hospital.
Are you okay?
Why do you ask?
Sorry, Krauss finally got to me.
Yeah, great personality.
With a face only a proctologist
A proctologist could love.
We better get started, Gorsy.
Why don't you get up on the
It's still a little heavy.
Hmm, must be the scale.
At home, I'm 126.
On the table?
Like to do your own cystoscopy?
Maybe next year.
Isn't that jerk got under your skin?
Sure.
But listen, life is a battle.
On a battlefield, we understand this,
but who expects trouble in a hospital?
Take me.
In the VA, Lexington, Kentucky,
there's this nurse, Mary Lou Shelton.
Used to give me baths three times a day.
I mean, guys are begging for aspirin, but
she's got the curtains around my bed washing me.
Don't stop now.
Well, the bubble burst.
One little fink said he hadn't been bathed
in two weeks.
I'm so clean, I shine, and this guy's got
people writing their names in his skin.
Well, that was the end of Mary Lou,
which I never seen her again.
Somebody told me she went into show
business.
Took the name Roxanne.
Bunch of pigeons used to peck her dress
off.
So in a hospital, you're gonna bunk into
every kind of person there is.
99% are great, but that
1%, the rotten ones, well, you
just gotta let it roll off your
back like a duck to water.
Well, everything seems fine, Gorsy.
Now, in a little while They'll
sedate me and take me to OR.
Where Dr. Lewis and I will do the deed.
Are you feeling better now?
Pigeons can do that?
Next time, come see me sooner.
Mr. D'Angelo?
Just a minute, Bonnie.
I'm in cuticle country.
You know, to this day, people mistake me
for a surgeon.
It's the hands.
Strong, yet tender.
They were almost doctor's hands.
Why did they have to write everything in
Latin?
Washington is calling, sir.
Spokane?
My sister?
Iris Ann?
Take a message.
No, Washington, D.C.
Congressman Pendinsky's aide, Mr. Clark,
he wants to talk to you personally.
Then why isn't he talking to Alma?
She's not in, sir.
You promised to take part in Huck Finn
Day.
Miss Cox is out on a raft with the mayor.
All right, all right.
I'll take it.
I can hang up and say it was an accident.
No, no.
As long as you took it, I'll take it.
Mr. Clark, how's everything in the cradle
of freedom?
Doctor who?
Pfeiffer?
No, I don't think so.
Oh, with a P?
Yes, we've got him.
He what?
When?
No, I had not been informed.
I assure you, sir, I am on top of everything
here, but occasionally staff will go under my head.
Oh.
Does the congressman know about this yet?
Well, why don't we not bother him with it?
I could just nip it in the bud right here
on the spot.
I appreciate that.
Gosh, I'm happy you called.
Bye, Mr. Clark.
Bonnie?
Yes, sir?
Give me Dr. Pfeiffer.
Potter.
Uh, Potter or Pfeiffer?
Potter, not Pfeiffer.
Yes, sir, Potter.
What time does Alma dock?
Not till tonight.
This is the last time I'm going to let her be
somewhere else being me when I need her here being me.
Yes, sir.
Battle.
Chipped a nail.
And over in the National League, the news today
is Stan the Man is holding out for a $1,500 raise.
Lots of luck, Stan.
Meanwhile, on the college front,
the Tigers will be snarling this Saturday
as they take on Bud Wilkinson's Oklahoma
Sooners.
I've got my tickets.
Father Mulcahy.
Oh, good afternoon, Pete.
Big game tomorrow.
My money's on the Sooners.
Have you seen Klinger?
I was supposed to meet him here today.
We were both in the line in the cafeteria
earlier.
I was going to have the meatloaf,
but there were like little eyes in it.
I assumed they were olives, but I didn't
want to chance it, so I opted for the
chicken fried steak, and I'm hoping for
the best.
What about Klinger?
He had the meatloaf.
Loves the danger, our Max does.
I don't understand it.
He was supposed to come by and tell me if
he got hold of some tickets.
Well, you know better than to give up on
Max.
He always comes through.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I think the
warranty has expired on that chicken fried steak.
Pfeiffer is a very conscientious doctor, Mike,
and this Krause is practically psychopathic.
He's abusive to nurses, rude to his fellow patients,
to meet him is to want to do an autopsy on him.
He's a veteran, wounded at Anzio.
The Germans couldn't take him either.
And, and here's the big and, he's got a line to
Congressman Pendenski, as in Veterans Affairs Committee.
You mean just because this nutcase pulls on his
congressman's tail, we deliver Pfeiffer's head on a plate?
You're starting to grasp it now.
Of course, we'll have a board meeting
first.
I want detailed but perfunctory statements from
both the offended patient and the offending personnel.
And I suppose you wanted yesterday.
First thing.
You made the right choice today, Max.
The meatloaf obviously agreed with you.
Are you kidding, Father?
I'm having this to push it down.
I saw Pete Sachs in the day room.
He said you were going to see him today.
Yeah, well, that was before I knew how
busy I am.
Too busy for an old friend?
A war buddy?
It's a big war, Father.
If I did nothing but go see old war
buddies, I'd have nothing but friends.
You have to start stopping somewhere.
You realize that doesn't make any sense.
I don't have time to make sense.
Does this happen to have anything to do
with his leg?
Hell no.
What kind of thing is that to say?
It's not his fault.
It's not your fault either.
Father, we've seen truckloads of guys like
that.
But this was Pete, another MASH guy.
We played football together.
He was a hell of a man.
And my guess is, he still is.
Dr. Feller, Dr. Lemon, Dr. Wynn, or two
Refusing me meals in bed was typical behavior
I have been subjected to by this student doctor.
Student doctor?
Quiet.
He has accused me of faking my pain and
has been generally rude, arrogant, and insulting.
Is that all?
One more thing, you big dummy.
Get this straight.
This is the Veterans Administration,
not the Residence Administration.
Now your name is going to be in a file in
Washington.
A file is a wave.
You're not supposed to make waves.
You get thrown out of here, you'll be
poison at every other hospital.
The only surgery you'll end up doing is on
trees.
People like Krauss want lunch in bed.
You give them lunch in bed.
They want dinner on the ceiling,
get yourself a ladder.
In other words, eat crow.
I find a little ketchup helps.
Hey, Klinger!
There you are!
Oh, Pete, I'm sorry.
They run like tail off.
Sometimes I'm on two floors at the same
time.
You're busier than a one-armed paper
hanger.
No, no, no, I didn't mean that.
So did you get the tickets?
The tickets.
I don't know if I can.
And if I can, I don't know if I can get
out of here.
And if I can get out of here, I don't know
if I can get you out of here.
Well, if you're too busy, do you think you
can swing one ticket?
If I don't take you, how are you going to
get there?
I'll drive.
How do you think I got here?
You drove?
You drive?
I did.
I do.
Don't you?
I can't afford a car.
I got to walk every place.
You've got two legs.
I've only got one.
Yeah.
Hey, you can't have everything.
I think I know where there are two
tickets.
Evening, Dr. Lewis.
I've just had the greatest eight hours off
in my life.
Packed it all in.
I slept, I ate, I even folded socks.
Doesn't get any better than that.
What's up?
Pfeiffer, one of our patients died this
morning.
Gorsy.
Bacteremia with septic shock.
Gorsy, what?
We tried everything.
Pushed fluids, antibiotics, vasopressors.
He died?
The cystoscopy killed him?
Even in the simplest procedure,
there's always an element of risk.
There's that small percentage you're going
to lose.
I did it.
I killed him.
An infection killed him.
It happens.
Dinner bell, kids.
Let's get some hot chow up here.
Hot chow?
Yes, of course.
Absolutely.
Your chow must be served hot.
Hey, what the hell's going on?
Let's make way.
Hey, Congressman Frank, you're crazy.
What are you doing?
Make way.
Make way.
You want food?
I'll get you food.
Oh, hot food.
Doesn't that sound terrific?
Gangway.
Gangway.
What do you mean?
Let me up.
Let me up.
Watch out.
Nice to see you.
Set up for Mr. Krause, please.
Set up for Mr. Krause.
Okay.
All right.
You win.
I'll get my own dinner.
No, no, nothing's too good for a poison
flannel.
Come on.
Protein, good for the fat.
Tartar sauce?
Of course, tartar sauce.
Tartar sauce.
Chicken chow mein.
I don't care.
Chicken chow mein.
And I don't All right, you said
you wanted your meals in bed.
Eat.
Eat.
All right, doctor.
Hold it right there.
I want him arrested.
What the hell do you think you're doing?
Oh, I'm going to sue.
Shut up.
You shut up.
Of course, he died.
So what?
They didn't tell you about dying in
medical school?
Were you out that day?
The biggest fact of life is death.
To cope with it is a prerequisite for a surgeon,
which you came so tantalizingly close to becoming.
Never mind your name in a file.
This action is a tidal wave, Mr. Pfeiffer.
Let me through.
Get that crutch out of my way.
What's going on?
Dollars to donuts.
There's not supposed to be a bed in here.
Are you in charge of this nut house?
Why don't you let me handle this, Mike?
That way you won't have to handle this.
I'm sorry, Colonel.
I'm not a doctor, but I can see this man's
got a chest full of chicken chow mein,
and I want to know why.
Good, D'Angelo.
Who wants to know?
Crows.
Congressman Pendenski?
I call him Fred.
Oh, God, not another report.
Offended patient, offending personnel,
witnesses?
What kind of witnesses, sir?
You.
You were here.
You were all here.
I didn't see anything.
Did you see anything, Bertie?
No.
You know what they say, Mr. Crows.
No corroboration, no altercation.
What?
You have no witnesses.
This didn't happen.
Ooh, you've got a noodle in your ear.
Captain, what the hell are you talking
about?
Now, now, sir, there's no reason for potty
mouth.
Don't go away.
We'll be right back.
Good night, Colonel.
Any instructions?
Yes.
Have a dull, boring night shift.
See you tomorrow, Doctor.
I sure like that better than Mr. Hold that
elevator.
Colonel, may I ask you to give me a lift?
I'm walking, but you're welcome alongside.
Fine.
Doctor, let me see if I've got this straight.
No bathing or showering for a week.
And don't turn your head in either
direction.
And by all means, don't nod.
Gotcha.
Shall we?
Is my hat on?
Yes.
Then we're off.
Wednesday, meet an advertising man who's
fed up with his job, his family, and his wife.
Dick Van Dyke is a dropout father
Wednesday.
May I have your credit cards?
Later on Ember Point NAS tonight, Hillary's plans
to regain Glenn's love take an unexpected nosedive.
But first, when a henpecked husband checks
into the inn, Dick goes out of his mind on Newhart.
Next.