Best Medicine (2026) s01e11 Episode Script

1
[Martin] Get out of here.
Previously on "Best Medicine"
[Mark] Are you Martin's parents?
I'm his best friend.
[Sarah] Why are you here?
I've decided to sell the house.
- My house?
- My house.
It was left to me.
I'm the eldest son.
[laughs] I'm going viral.
Is this what you're
going to do with your life?
- What?
- Be a garbage person?
Really makes you think
doesn't it, doc?
What am I dedicating my life to?
I've loved Louisa since
I was 12 years old.
- She's perfect.
- No. Nobody's perfect.
The only mean thing that
she's ever done is break up
[sighs]
- [Louisa] Maybe we could
- Get together for real date.
- Martin, and now, exhale.
- [gasping]
[Mark] Hey, Martin, buddy.
Not sure if you're here yet,
but
Um, I'm going to call
you back, buddy.
[Martin] We were both riding
the adrenaline of the moment,
but I'm happy to pretend
it never happened.
- Good night.
- [door slams]
[soft music]
[whining]
You don't think
he looks depressed?
I think he looks like a dog.
Whatever he's feeling
can be solved by sleeping,
eating, pooping or
destroying a pair of my shoes.
[pensive music]
What's got them so interested?
I have no idea.
[indistinct chatter]
- [thermometer beeps]
- It looks like you have the flu.
- So, you and Louisa, huh?
- I beg your pardon?
I mean, I get why you like her.
She's a ray of sunshine.
But you?
- [George] Here you go, babe.
- Thank you.
So, you and Doc Martin, huh?
- I did not see that coming.
- Like, at all.
Uh, excuse me?
So to manage your flu symptoms,
you need to hydrate and
take pain relievers as needed.
You know who needs
pain relievers right now?
Sheriff Mark! Whoo-hoo!
Come on, up high, baby!
Up high, yes!
I think it's great.
Love can come at any age,
you know?
What?
It's the flu, Mr. Collins.
- Any questions?
- Who initiated the kiss?
How passionate are we talking?
[Geneva] How did he kiss?
I picture a turtle eating
a piece of lettuce. [slurps]
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
[gasps] Absolutely not.
[Mark coughs]
- What's this?
- Ticket.
Your car's parked in the red.
I parked exactly where
I always have, since I got here.
I turned a blind eye before,
but those days are over.
Mark, it's for $50.
Let me just go out and move it.
Sorry. Some mistakes can't be
just moved back!
- What?
- What?
Mark, since when do you go out
giving tickets like this?
Since when do you care nothing
about rules and decency?
Okay, I have no idea
what's going on right now.
Yeah, I mean, neither.
Not after what I saw
in the parking lot
at the hospital.
Wait, what?
You saw that?
Yeah.
It might not be a crime,
but it doesn't make it right.
You want me to close the door?
You don't have to.
[door slams]
[theme music]
- [liquid pouring]
- [door opens]
- What are you doing here?
- [door closes]
You don't have to flu
like everyone else, do you?
Nope.
But, word around town now is
that you
and a certain adorable
Not you, too.
This is a nightmare.
[stammering] Is there
privacy anywhere?
In Port Wenn?
[whispers] Not really.
- So, what happened?
- Nothing.
[intriguing music]
All right, fine.
After a very long day
tending to Peter Cronk together,
the natural bond people feel
in a crisis boiled over.
- And you and Louisa kissed.
- Mm.
Well, good for you.
You've been carrying
a torch for her
since you laid eyes on her.
What did you do wrong?
Nothing, why do you
assume that I
- Come on, what?
- Nothing.
- Tell me.
- [Martin] No.
Martin.
I may have suggested that
we pretended it never happened.
Oh, my God. Why?
Spare us both the trouble. I
Martin, is that how
you really feel about love?
Or were you just trying to blow
the whole thing up
to protect yourself
so you wouldn't get hurt?
Well, either way,
very insensitive.
You're gonna have
to apologize for that.
ASAP.
[sighs] I have to go see
George and Greg.
Apologize, Martin!
[door slams]
[coughs]
Miss Michaud
You can call me Savannah.
You have fever, aches,
and fatigue.
It sounds like the flu.
Are you sure we shouldn't be
talking about
that little patient?
He's running on
a very low frequency.
No idea what that means.
Well, your dog is depressed, obviously.
Well, for starters,
he's not my dog.
I'm with the patient.
Please go now.
- Elaine! Open.
- [door opens]
- What?
- Get him out of here.
[door closes]
[Elaine] Buddy, come on.
- Come on. Okay.
- [thermometer beeping]
[Martin]
You have a little fever.
Eh
Yep, lymph nodes are inflamed.
Okay, just FYI.
Understanding animals
is literally my job.
Oh, yeah? And what job is that?
I own a traveling petting zoo.
- And in my expert opinion
- Oh, expert?
Really? Is there a petting zoo
college somewhere?
Mm. It's called nature.
I'm sorry.
Do you seriously not see
how sad your dog is?
Thank you,
random zookeeper person.
But wh-what's coming
out of your bag?
[all screaming]
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God. What?
It's crawling on my legs!
- It's so gross!
- What the hell is going on?
That's so vile!
[indistinct shouting]
Got it.
Fleas, just as I suspected.
Fleas? That's it!
I'm out of here.
I'm sorry. Fleas are
a public health hazard.
And as much as I hate
to say this, which is a lot,
until we can prove we're
not carrying them out,
- no one can leave.
- Oh, my God.
I am torching this place
on Yelp.
[tense music]
[bell dings]
The gossip about Mark and I
had to finally die down,
and now everybody
is talking about me again.
People are awful, so nosy.
- No boundaries at all.
- Thank you. Thank you.
- What did happen?
- Was it really just a kiss?
I bet Dr. Fussypants is
a real tiger under that suit.
Ah!
[door slams]
Well, I hope you're happy.
- [vacuum machine whirring]
- [clears throat]
This feels excessive.
No, first install the shower
with dish washing soap
was excessive.
Again, dish washing soap
kills fleas
as does putting your clothes
in the dryer.
- It'll be done soon.
- How soon?
Today's the deadline to turn in
my audition for Juilliard.
Al is recording it later.
So I really need to move
this along.
Audition, huh?
What monologue are you doing?
Ah, I'm a thespian myself.
That's right.
Yeah, you were so great
as the Mad Scientist
in the Blood Factory.
Oh, stop. Stop.
Um, I'm still working
on my monologues.
Well, break a leg,
as we actors say.
I put the clothes in the dryer
37 minutes ago.
Feel free to check
if they're done.
[groans] Answer the phones.
Show up on time.
Now I have to vacuum
and do laundry.
When did I become
Act One Cinderella?
If I were to let her
to Juilliard,
do you think you could
start tomorrow?
All right.
I can't even have a personal
moment with someone
without the whole town
blabbing about it.
I know. I'm so sorry about Greg.
He really should have
known better.
I'm just going to stay in here
and avoid people like that.
Oh, my gosh. These little
puddings are like crazy.
- Would you like a spoon?
- [Louisa] No, thanks.
I just don't know how
everybody knows already.
That is my question.
Well, maybe Martin told someone.
Doesn't seem like
the bragging type.
And definitely wasn't
something to brag about.
Really? Why? Never mind.
I don't know why
I would be interested.
I just don't know how else
everyone knows so fast.
You know?
I guess I should call him.
- Can I have
- Oh, oh, yeah.
- Yeah, of course. Of course.
- Yeah, yeah.
And you sure you don't want me
to get you a spoon?
- Okay.
- [door closes]
Hello?
[Louisa] Did you tell someone
about what happened between us?
Because everybody at
the Salty Breeze knows.
Of course not. I would never.
It was Mark.
Apparently, he saw us.
Mark saw us?
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, God.
Oh, God. Uh, this is a disaster.
Mark saw us
and everybody's talking?
So much for pretending it
never happened, huh?
Yes.
So, about that.
Oh, gosh. It's freezing in here.
I'm sorry.
Where are you right now?
Hiding in the walk-in.
So, you know, I'm super happy
about how this is working out.
Well, uh, a hippie infested
my office with fleas.
Okay.
- Stay warm in there.
- Yeah, um
Good luck with the fleas.
- Uh, Mark
- [line disconnects]
- [indistinct chatter]
- [Elaine clears throat]
Everyone, please
get on your clothes
and then leave as soon
as humanly possible.
Having a strange feeling
I've had this
conversation before.
Oh, are you like a psychic?
And Deja can be a sign of
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- Oh, oh
A seizure.
[clamoring]
Stop!
Everybody stay put.
[tense music]
[Liam] Is he texting?
- Is he texting somebody?
- I thought he was a doctor.
- No one can leave.
- [Gilbert] Why?
- What's the problem this time?
- Don't panic.
But this woman has lesions
that look like buboes.
Uh, it's Labubu, boomer.
What the hell's a buboe?
Doc, she has the plague?
[all clamoring]
[intense music]
As soon as possible, thank you.
If I could have
everyone's attention.
I can't breathe. The plague
is closing my throat.
It's definitely not.
The health authorities
are sending
a bio-hazard team for Savannah,
but they're coming from Boston,
so it's gonna be a while.
The plague would probably kill
all the old people first, right?
Ghoulish question, but
brings me to my next point.
This type of plague
doesn't spread
easily from person to person,
but from fleas
and infected animals.
And if antibiotics are taken
within the first 24 hours,
outcome is very good.
Kind of sounds like
if that bio, whatever team
doesn't get here in
24 hours, we're all screwed.
Yeah, screwed, as in dead.
Wait, so you're the only doctor?
There isn't anybody better
who, like, knows
how to deal with diseases?
Well, I went to medical school,
so I, like, know about diseases.
But, yes, I'm it.
But we're fine.
No need to panic.
- [indistinct chatter]
- Panicking.
[intriguing music]
Doc, what are you doing?
Looking for clues
just to where Savannah
and her flea-ridden purse
have been.
[rattling]
- Damn it.
- What?
She was at the Salty Breeze,
which means people over there
have been exposed,
and I need to get in touch
with them.
We don't have to change back
into the little gowns, do we?
'Cause if I'm gonna die
of the plague
- You're not.
- I'm dying with my pants on.
- Right.
- And I've always said that.
[door closes]
Hey, guys, what you want
to talk to me about?
- [George] Well
- Wait a minute.
What's going on back here?
[George] Doug claims
he found a baby fox
and is nursing it
back to health.
I wish he'd take it
somewhere else.
It's making Brisket
very anxious.
I get that. It's kind of
a rabbit-eared devil Chihuahua.
Makes me a little nervous too.
Listen, Sarah, we have
a small confession to make.
You cheated poker night.
You think I don't know?
[Greg] Oh, but not that.
We are the ones
showing your house.
What?
Your brother saw that Greg
is a realtor in the area
and asked us to convince you
to accept his offer
since we're friends.
Oh, some friends you are.
Did he tell you what
the terms of his offer is?
Sell a house out from
under me, and I get 20 percent.
Thank you so much,
Your Lordship.
We thought at least
if it was us,
we'd look after
your best interest.
Yes. By kicking me out
of my own house.
Listen, I hate to bring it up,
but your brother says
you don't have much
by way of retirement savings.
Yeah, well, you know
how it is, lobstering.
You have a good year
and then a bad one.
So maybe you should let us
show the house.
There's a couple who wants
to see it today.
Fine, fine. Fine.
So any intel on what happened
between Louisa and your nephew?
She's hiding in the walk-in
right now, very upset.
You are not getting
the hot goss.
You two are off
the hot goss list.
- Why me?
- No, no, no!
- You can't do that.
- stay on.
[phone ringing]
- [phone beeps]
- Hello.
Aunt Sarah, listen, there could
be a crisis at the Salty Breeze.
Oh, you bet there is.
Louisa is hiding in
the walk-in refrigerator.
When are you gonna apologized
to her?
Never mind that.
A patient here,
a woman named Savannah
She was recently
at the Salty Breeze
and she's exhibiting
plague-like symptoms.
The plague?
Like, bring out your dead?
That plague?
Get that volume all
the way down. It's fine.
Bubonic, yes, the very one.
Wait.
What's that behind you?
Oh.
Doug's got a baby fox,
don't ask.
- Hold the phone closer to it.
- Sure.
Greg, stay here, please.
[suspenseful music]
[Martin] Look at those ears.
That's a North African
Fennec fox.
Doug, where did you
get one of those?
Funny story.
[all] Whoa.
[Sarah] Oh. Oh.
Wow. What's wrong with him?
For starters, his face is
in a bowl of oatmeal.
Now, pull him out
and make sure he's breathing.
- Okay.
- Whoa.
[Martin] Hold the phone closer.
- Let me see his neck.
- Oh, good Lord.
What are those?
Do you promise to remain calm?
Wait.
Is this is the plague?
[all clamoring]
I didn't even want to
eat here today.
- Uh, excuse me.
- [Martin] Everyone listen up.
- [Sarah] What do we do?
- A bio-hazard team is coming.
Until you have all been tested
and the plague has been
ruled out, no one should leave
the Salty Breeze. Understood?
But we can still take
walk-ins, right?
- [phone beeps]
- [grunts]
[all cheering]
[Mark] You get a sandwich!
- You get a sandwich!
- Mark! What are you doing here?
Bringing people something to eat
because I knew
you wouldn't think about
that because you don't think
about people
or their feelings.
[indistinct murmuring]
Mark! Mark, we haven't
had a chance to fumigate
since you left,
just some vacuuming.
So, congratulations.
You've now potentially
exposed yourself
to plague-carrying fleas.
It's probably fine.
Well, now you can't
leave until you've
been cleared by
the health authorities.
- Good.
- [box thuds]
[intriguing music]
Mark, would you like to talk?
No.
Yes. I would like to talk.
Is there anything
you'd like to say to me
that actually makes sense?
Nope. I got nothing
to say to you, man.
Okay, fine.
And you can go back out.
[door closes]
Okay, I actually do have
a couple questions.
Well, this should be fun.
How long has it been going on
between you and Louisa?
Have you been dating
all this time
and just laughing at me
behind my back?
Are you two going to get
married and have
little doctors,
schoolteacher babies?
Are you hoping that I die
so you guys can just dance
on my grave?
Mark! Mark, I assure you,
Louisa and I were not
and are not together.
So, if we're done here, I have
a plague outbreak to deal with.
Yeah, but you didn't say that
you won't be together, okay?
'Cause I can just see through
that little game of yours,
you are not gonna
seek the future
past Sheriff Mark Mylow!
The plague?
I go into the walk-in
for an hour
and come out to
the literal plague?
Yeah, makes you think,
doesn't it?
About our mortality.
[Greg] It makes me think about
getting our affairs in order,
updating our wills,
double-checking the DNR.
- Boring.
- Right.
Who wants a shot? On the house.
- Now we're talking!
- Oh, sure.
First sign of a crisis,
and everyone drinks for free.
Well, if we're going to die,
let's die at a party.
This is my kind of plague.
Free booze with my special lady.
Ooh, that's what
I'm talking about.
Let's toast to living life
to the fullest.
[George] To no regrets?
- To do not resuscitate.
- Oh, stop!
The plague?
Are you serious?
It's a possibility,
but we caught it early
and we're treating it
with antibiotics.
- So you should be okay.
- Wow.
You know, I had my cards
read recently,
and the reader said
that something bad
or not so bad
could or could not happen.
And now look at this.
It's crazy, right?
You better not be
interrogating someone,
'cause I'm the one
who does the interrogating.
Who are you?
We'll asks the questions here!
Go ahead. Ask your questions.
Doug over at the Salty Breeze
has been exhibiting
similar symptoms.
Have you had any recent
interactions with him?
Doug? Doug?
Dougie. Dougie.
Doug. Doug. Doug.
Mm, no.
That name does not ring a bell.
I don't believe you.
I don't believe anyone anymore.
You know, stop trusting
and you start rusting.
Think about it.
- Have you been abroad lately?
- You know what?
Actually, I did go
to Morocco recently
for a yoga retreat. Namaste.
Mm-mm. And that's where you
got the Fennec fox?
What's a Fennec fox?
And anyway,
it's probably just like
a regular fox,
but with bigger ears.
You just said you didn't know
what a Fennec fox was.
So how would you know that
Fennec fox has that big ears
if you don't know
what a Fennec fox is?
Don't you lie to me, Savannah!
Okay.
Thank you for your help, Mark.
- I'll take it from here.
- Okay.
Hey, I think I rattled her cage
pretty good.
She's going to crack soon.
All right?
Hey. But I'm still mad at you.
Okay, thank you.
- I'm still mad at him.
- Okay, I got it.
Thanks, Mark. I got it.
- Wow!
- [door closes]
There's some roiling tension
between you two.
What's go on on there?
Just admit you smuggled
the Fennec fox
and sold it to Doug,
so I don't have to bring back
the emotionally
unstable sheriff. Okay?
Fine! But if you think
you can make a living,
charging five-year-olds
to ride ponies, think again.
I don't think that.
I don't know why anyone
would think that.
- But the fox you trafficked
- Fox?
Mm-mm. I call it exotic
animal re-homing.
Whatever. It likely has
plague-carrying fleas
that multiplied and migrated to
the other animals in your zoo
and then spread to you
and now to Doug.
Look, I'm not a monster, okay?
I'm just trying to find
loving homes for these animals.
They carry stress in
their bodies just like we do.
You really feel
like you're holding
onto a lot of stress,
too, my dude.
The only way to let go
of stress is to open up.
Well, I wouldn't open up
too much
unless you have
a lawyer present.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I need to let the town know
about the mess you've made.
Elaine, we need to make a PSA.
- A what?
- A public ser
A video telling the community
what's going on.
Okay, we'll post it
to your social media.
Oh, now you like
my social media.
Elaine, please.
[clears throat]
- [upbeat music on stereo]
- [man 1] There you go!
I regret never making time
to visit my sister in Florida.
Uh, you called your sister,
and I quote,
"A joyless iguana with
a Chardonnay problem."
[laughter]
I also regret trusting George
to keep our
conversations private.
What about you, Louisa?
But is there anything or anyone
you'd be sad to miss out on?
Really, really? [giggles]
With everything that's going on,
this is what you're focused on?
Our school is closing.
Which is a-a huge blow
to Port Wenn.
Not to mention my career.
I mean, I have no idea what's
happening in my life next.
Oh, oh, we might all have
a disease
that killed half of
Medieval Europe.
So, you know, sure,
we can just discuss my weird
kiss with the town doctor.
When you say "weird"
- Yeah, how's that
- [George] We want clarity.
[grunts]
Port Wenn is a fishbowl,
and I'm tired of being
a goldfish.
- Are we recording?
- [Elaine] Yes.
Why are you looking
at the Okay.
Ready? A go.
Hello.
Doctor Martin Best.
Here in Port Wenn
where we appear to be
having, having an outbreak
of bubonic plague.
Now, there's no cause for panic,
but if you're experiencing
flu-like symptoms, along with
painful swelling in your neck,
armpits or groin area
or unusual lesions or sores,
please come see me
or another health care
provider immediately.
Just 'cause I'm stuck
at the doctor's office,
don't get any ideas
about committing any crimes.
Please share this post widely,
Elaniacs, who could save a life.
Was that a collab
or a cry for help?
Elainiacs?
She's worse than the plague.
- Let those three die.
- Yeah, question.
Shouldn't we consider other
disease vectors like dirt?
- I hate the internet.
- [knocking on door]
[Al] Elaine!
Hey, no, don't!
- Stay there.
- The plague?
- Are you okay?
- Yeah.
I don't know.
This is weird, but I'm fine.
I, um I, I brought you lunch.
- Thank you.
- [Al] Uh-huh.
Mark brought us sandwiches, too.
I'll take it. His were very dry.
Hey, listen.
So I speed read
this acting book,
and it said to track
the emotional beats
of a monologue.
So I got your monologue.
I started tracking
the emotional beats of it.
Actually, I-I don't think
I'm gonna get to it
What? You have to.
I-I looked,
and there's no extension.
We'll have to do it today.
Al, l-look around.
I'm in a crisis.
I was thinking we can, we can
shoot through the window.
Al! Seriously, just let it go.
- Okay?
- No.
Look, this is all you talk about
when you go to school
in New York City.
Okay? Let me help.
I don't want your help. Okay?
If you like the idea of school
in New York so much, you can go.
[man coughing]
- Fine. Bye.
- Bye.
Leave the lunch!
Are you guys fighting?
[upbeat music on stereo]
Thank you.
- Cheers.
- [glasses clinking]
For a woman in a plague house,
you're looking awfully pleased
with yourself.
I'm feeling very pleased
with my life.
Plus, you're stuck here with me,
so you can't show my house.
[chuckles]
No such luck.
We have someone showing it
for us.
- Who?
- Old man Collins.
- Damn it all.
- Mm. Doug!
Mm. You good?
Whoa.
I was really out of it.
Doug, I've got something
really important
to tell you
and it might be scary.
I'm not going to be a dad, am I?
What? Oh, I don't know.
- You might have the plague.
- The bubonic plague?
- Mm-hmm.
- How did I get that?
Doc said it must be some animals
owned by some woman
named Savannah.
Oh, no.
Savannah's got the plague.
- Where is she?
- Doc Martin's office, why?
She needs me.
- [Greg] Doug, stop!
- Excuse me!
You're not supposed to leave.
Hi, Je Jeb?
[Jeb] Hello?
Jeb, it's Sarah.
[Jeb] Well, I can't talk now.
I'm showing a house for Ken.
- You mean Greg?
- Yeah, Greg.
Listen, could you do me a favor?
Where is she? Where's Savannah?
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
slow your road, Chief.
Doug, what are you doing?
You shouldn't be
running around town
with a plague-infested creature.
Don't you call my Savannah that!
I'm talking about Wait.
Your Savannah?
Have you and Savannah
been intimate?
That's a clinical way to put it.
That's, Doc, clinical, no heart.
- Clock it, Markie.
- Period.
Well, go on.
I met her on a website
for enthusiasts of unusual pets,
but I only took
a few encrypted texts
for me to realize that
she's my soulmate.
That's what you said
about my wife!
Oh, hey, Gil.
Good to see you, man.
So the answer is yes.
You two have been intimate.
Come with me.
[intriguing music]
Savannah, my love.
Let's not go crazy. [chuckles]
Are most of your painful lesions
in your groin area?
Oh, yeah, do you want to see?
No, no, no. Nope.
- I take your word for it.
- [Savannah] Right.
Now, you might actually have
a sexually transmitted
infection called LGV,
which has similar symptoms
to the plague.
Must have been that guy
from Bonnaroo.
Luckily, it too can be treated
with a course of antibiotics.
Sorry, Doug.
Come on.
Doug, your last girlfriend
gave you breasts.
This one gave you a disease
similar to the plague.
As your physician,
I feel compelled
to say make better
dating choices.
I gotta say the vibe
at the Salty Breeze
was way better.
Elaine, we need to make
another post.
- On it.
- [clears throat]
[clears throat] Hello, everyone.
This is Port Wenn
Public Safety Officer Elaine.
It's not your title.
With an important update.
Hi, everyone. Doctor Best here.
So, the situation is evolving.
And we're still waiting
for the bio-hazard team
to arrive to confirm.
But at the moment,
my assessment is,
we are not having
a plague outbreak in Port Wenn.
Thank you.
But still don't commit
any crimes.
Doc, have you ever thought
about being a hair model?
'Cause the camera actually
loves your hair.
- What? Really?
- Loves it.
Hey, if it's not the plague,
what do you think it is?
Uh, I can't say.
Confidentiality.
There can't be
that many diseases
that have plague-like symptoms.
Yikes. That looks uncomfortable.
[upbeat music on stereo]
[laughter]
So, good news.
Martin just posted
another video saying that
it looks like there's
no plague outbreak after all.
So, all we have to do
is just hang out here
for a little bit longer.
Get tested just to be sure.
That's great.
You seems less than thrilled.
I
I just feel disappointed about
where my life is right now.
So
Well, this may be controversial
given the day that we've had.
But when I'm feeling well,
do you know what makes me
feel better?
Besides, umbrellas and drinks.
Okay, then I give up.
Watching animal videos.
- Huh?
- Mm-hmm.
Not what I was expecting.
Hey, hey, hey,
otters holding paws
while they float on their backs,
pudgy marmots doing
goofy marmot things
in Alpine meadows.
My favorite is this
wolf den in Acadia.
I defy you not to
be transported.
- This is a twist.
- Should we watch once?
I mean, after that,
how could we not?
You know I got
it queued up already.
I'm serious.
- Okay.
- Okay, here we go.
[gasps]
[screeching]
[laughs]
[George] Okay,
that is Wolf Blitzer.
We love him. And this one
- Oh
- [sniffles]
No. Is-is this a bad choice?
No, no, no. It's perfect.
Okay. Okay, well
Let's watch this the right way.
[Louisa chuckles]
Okay, so I said,
that's Wolf Blitzer.
- Wolf Blitzer.
- We don't like that one.
Okay. But we love Wolf Blitzer.
We love Wolf Blitzer.
[laughter]
[intriguing music]
Sorry to intrude, but I'm
sensing some inner tension.
Whoa, you really are psychic.
People do say that.
But really, we're all just
animals who think
we're better at hiding our own
stress than we actually are.
I've barely worked
on my audition.
I don't know.
I'm, like, too scared, I guess.
Fear of failure? I get that.
I hated taking tests in school.
Why do you think I turned
to a life of crime?
Yes, crazy animal lady!
So hot.
Actually, I'm more afraid
of success.
I mean, what if I crush
this audition?
And Juilliard is like,
"Holy crap!
We have literally never seen
anyone act so good."
Then you move to New York City
and you follow your dreams.
Barf, so basic.
Do you mind?
Then I would have
to leave Al behind.
Is Al your boyfriend?
You know, we have this idea
that life has to be either or.
We can only have one good thing.
But what if
the universe is like,
"No, you can have
all the good things?"
So I could have Al
and Juilliard?
Yeah, or in my case,
beat this crazy STD
and the federal wildlife animal
charges that I'm facing.
Yeah, no fingers crossed
for the both of us.
- [door closes]
- I saw your video.
Hey, no offense, buddy,
but you're not looking
too good right now.
Um, doc?
Glendon. You shouldn't be here.
Oh, I'm growing nipples
on my neck.
Okay, maybe you should.
Have you had intimate contact
with this woman?
Doug or both?
Are you suggesting
I had some kind of
woo-woo three-way
with those weirdos?
Hell no!
Rules out the STD.
I get it.
Have you visited
the petting zoo, maybe?
I mean, uh, I don't think so.
This isn't a hard question.
I might have taken my son.
Isn't Glendon Jr., like, 17?
Fine. I went alone. Okay?
I like petting the goats.
Soothing.
Exposure.
Buboes.
We might be looking at
a plague outbreak after all.
- I concur.
- [Mark] Um, hey, Doc.
Bad news. Bio-hazard team
got in a fender bender
and said they're gonna be
delayed by a couple of hours.
- What?
- Okay.
Didn't you say the longer
it takes those guys
to get there,
the more dangerous it gets?
Great. Now it's text my mom
back until I'm going to die.
- Thanks a lot.
- Nobody is going to die.
Hey, we just need to stay calm
and in control of the situation.
Is that clear?
Um, has anyone seen the fox?
- What?
- My mom was right.
I lacked the emotional
maturity to own a pet.
- You need to find that fox.
- [whistles]
[Martin] You're gonna be fine.
But if you need to pet
a baby goat
Oh, shut up.
Doc, we got more incoming.
I'm not feeling so hot.
I'm like, "Is this the plague?"
My daughter's like,
"Go find out, dummy."
[coughs]
I just feel like ass.
You know, like a general
all over assiness.
Mark, text your mom
at the pharmacy.
Tell her we need more
antibiotics, rapid flu testing,
any IV bags
she may have on hand.
Have a leave them out front,
then go run down and get them.
- Got it?
- On it, no problem.
Elaine, we need to update
the public.
Ahem. Excuse me, Dr. Best here.
A small update on
the previous update,
but not you. Yes.
To reiterate, please
disregard my previous post.
We are having an outbreak
of plague here in Port Wenn.
[Elaine] Also, Al,
if you're watching, I am
sorry that I was so crabby.
That was not about you.
I do want to go for it
and I really need your help.
Okay. Bye.
First we're gonna die,
and we're not gonna die.
Now we're back to dying.
Make up your mind already.
- Will you, doc?
- Boo, that guy sucks.
We're all symptom free for now,
so I think we should just
What?
- Stay calm.
- I'm calm.
I'm calm.
[doorbell ringtone ringing]
[Louisa] What is
It's Greg's real estate phone.
Hi, Greg Garrison Realty.
This is Greg speaking.
How may I help you find
the home of your dreams?
I see.
- Well, that is
- [slurping]
Okay.
- Well, thank you very much.
- Who was that?
The buyer is looking
at Sarah's house.
Jeb Collins told him the house
was full of fleas with plague.
I wonder why he would do that.
Beats me.
Oh, fine.
I paid him off to bad mouth it.
Excuse me, if I'm going to die
of the plague,
I want to do it in my own house.
Nobody's pushing me out.
Well, except possibly death.
Right. Point taken.
You know what I think
we could all use right now?
- A wolf-den video.
- A wolf-den video
- Ooh!
- [George] Yes.
- Fire it up.
- [George] Yes.
- Okay.
- Did you get the antibiotics?
Yeah, I got you. Sorry, y'all.
All right.
Okay, everybody, listen up.
We're having
a lot of people come
in right now not feeling well.
Now, most of you probably
just have the flu,
but some of you might
have the plague.
So here's what
we're going to do.
Who here is having fever,
aches, and fatigue?
Okay. Now you're going to
take rapid flu tests
out here in the waiting room.
Now, who has swollen
lymph nodes under your chin,
possibly in your
armpit or groin?
Okay. If you have any of those,
you're going to come
into the exam room
we're going to give you
antibiotics right away.
Now, you are not contagious,
and we will take care of you.
I'm just here
for night-time gas.
Noted. Let's go.
[door closing]
Al, what are you doing here?
Do you have plague symptoms?
I don't care about the plague.
- Famous last words.
- Came back.
Thank you. I'm so sorry.
Honestly, I was just afraid
of my own awesomeness.
I forgive you.
But we have to move fast.
We only have a couple hours
until the deadline. All right?
- Did you memorized your speech?
- Yeah, I'm off book.
Sick. I have no idea
what that means.
Okay. Who wants to be
in a movie?
Or a-a very low budget
audition video?
I might be available.
You're not thinking of doing
this in here, are you?
[soft music]
Why not?
I'll go deal with the plague
while you put on
your little show.
[Elaine] Hi, I'm Elaine Denton,
and I will be performing
Olga's monologue
from Anton Chekov's
"Three Sisters,"
which is a play
that I have read.
Ahem.
It almost seems
as if a minute more.
And we'll know why we live.
And why we suffer.
If only we knew.
If only we knew.
What difference does it make?
What difference does it make?
[soft music]
If only we knew.
- [phone beeps]
- And cut.
[applause]
Elaine, you're so good.
Should I take my line again?
No.
I think we got it.
- [laughs]
- [all] Ooh!
Oh, my God.
Look, he's so cute.
Oh, my kittens.
[chuckles]
[Sarah] Oh, look at that one.
[chuckles]
Oh.
The mother child bonded.
So primal, so deep.
I mean, why would
a lady wolf ever not want
to have that experience?
Guy wolves come and go,
but the bond
here with wolf baby,
that's, that's forever.
I mean, not having a wolf cub.
I mean,
she'd probably regret that
for the rest of her wolf life.
[soft music]
What?
Are you wanting a wolf cub?
What? No.
I Why would you?
I mean, maybe.
Okay. I don't know.
I'm gonna say something to you,
and if I'm overstepping,
tell me to buzz off.
Okay.
If you ever decide
to have a baby on your own,
I will be there for you.
Cooking, babysitting,
whatever you need.
We'll all be there for you.
Of course. All of us.
Oh, always, honey.
Even when we're nosy
and annoying,
we are friends.
You guys!
[intriguing music]
That took you a while.
Everyone in this room
needs to be tested
along with a few people
down the street.
Understood. We've already got
team members over there.
We'll get a testing station
set up ASAP.
Come in back.
First, I want you to check
on my patients with lesions.
Some of the ones out here
might have the plague.
Some of them might
just have the flu.
But everyone out here
needs rapid tests for plague.
[Sarah] Okay, folks.
I'm headed home
soon as they clear me.
Ooh, I gotta go sleep it off.
Same. My nerves are shot.
You could settle them by
helping me prep for tomorrow.
Sweetie, after the day I've had,
I'm in bath-and-a-nap territory.
Am I crazy to say today was fun?
- Yes.
- Fun. First, we're dying.
Then we're not dying,
then we're dying.
Now we're not dying.
- [screams]
- [knife thuds]
[dramatic music]
- Another drink, anybody?
- Drink's on the house.
Let me call animal control
real quick.
Oh, hey, thanks, doc.
You know, despite being trapped
in the paradigm
of Western medicine,
I would have been
in real trouble
if I hadn't come to you.
I think you are in real trouble.
Your fox did give six of
our townspeople the plague.
Yeah, well
If I may,
I think your dog is sad,
because he doesn't know
where he stands with you.
He's like, "Am I his dog?
Or am I not?"
He's not.
Mm. I don't believe you.
And neither does your dog.
You know, you should admit
that you
actually care about whoever
it is that you care about.
- At least to yourself.
- Uh-huh.
You should pursue a therapy
degree while you're in jail.
Maybe I will. [chuckles]
Anyway, thanks, Doc.
Hey, do you know any lawyers?
[soft music]
Bye, sheriff.
Bye, Savann.
[door closes]
It's always like that, huh?
You're not even gonna apologize.
Look, Mark,
I understand you're upset,
but I don't know
what I actually did
- Am I your friend?
- Excuse me?
Do you consider me your friend?
Yes.
Okay.
Well, when you're friends
with someone
and you start having feelings
for their ex,
you gotta give 'em
a heads up, doc.
It was just something
that happened.
I know. I know.
Like, a one-time-
heat-of-the-moment type thing.
It meant nothing.
[chuckles]
What?
You kissed Louisa
and you think it meant nothing?
You're not just lying
to me, buddy.
You're lying to yourself.
I'll see you later, okay?
[slow music]
[instrumental music]
- Thanks for meeting me.
- [Louisa] Sure.
I mean, what a day.
[laughs]
In fact, it gave me
a lot to think about.
About what?
Um
Just
Oh.
Um
What are the odds
of an exotic animal,
not even from the continent,
showing up in a small town,
and causing
an outbreak of plague?
- Wait, wait, what?
- Low.
- Oh.
- Very low, vanishingly low.
And there are lots of things
about life
that I might not understand
as well as I thought.
I-I don't know why I sometimes
say obnoxious things.
- Martin, you don't
- Please, I
You know, another surprising
thing about life is that
sometimes other things
with incredibly low odds
can also happen.
[soft music]
Nice things.
Things between two people.
Martin, please. I
- I've been thinking, too.
- Hmm.
And
I think this town is
too small for us to date.
Even if it were a good idea,
which I don't think that it is.
- Oh.
- You're a great guy.
Oh. You-you don't need
to explain anything.
No, I just, um, and we
have this crazy push and pull,
which is exciting
and also frustrating.
And, uh, I just don't think
I have a bunch of time
for a drama
right now, because
I want to have a baby.
[chuckles]
Oh, God, not with you.
Not with I
Not what I was saying,
just, uh, just, uh, a baby.
Hmm. Hmm.
I wish you luck with that.
I do.
- Have a good night.
- Okay.
When nobody knows
What kind of fool
I was before ♪
Setting out on my own
Bringing nothing along
Just turn off the lights
before I go ♪
When nobody knows
Nobody knows
Okay, Copernicus.
Let's go for a walk.
The way that
I always lay you down ♪
'Cause nobody knows
Come on.
[door closes]
I know I've been alive
to hold it ♪
I'll learn that lesson
on the go ♪
But one door opens
Another's gotta close
I'll go as far as I can see
To make some better memories ♪
To get to where you go
you gotta leave ♪